Once upon a time – cue the old-timey film reel sound – movie theatres were the hallowed halls of weekend plans. You’d get dressed, overpay for corn, and sit next to strangers who didn’t understand the concept of “silent mode.” But now? People would rather rot in sweatpants on their couch than deal with that sensory assault. Why? Because streaming came in, kicked the popcorn bucket over, and said, “You still watching?”
Welcome to Streamlandia
Theatres are emptying faster than your will to live during a Marvel post-credit scene. Remember when movies used to be events? Like, real cultural moments? Now the average film release has all the impact of a fart in a hurricane. Netflix, Prime Video, Disney+, and even artsy things like Mubi and Criterion have weaponised convenience. People would rather fire up a browser and click “play” than engage in combat for a parking space and a seat that doesn’t smell like warm regret.
Many people would rather pick up a Visa gift card on Eneba and subscribe to a streaming service than go to the movies, wait in line, pay for parking, and suffer influencers screaming “CHICKEN JOCKEY” while filming their reactions for their 14 views.
Scorsese Said What We’re All Thinking
Martin Scorsese – yes, the guy who basically invented “cinema” for men who say “cinema” a lot – has had it. He’s tired of spandex-fueled CGI rollercoasters taking up all the oxygen in the room. He wants storytelling, nuance, human emotion… not Thor swinging his hammer while the goat representing the entire Taika Waititi’s personality screams on the screen.
And you know what? Marty’s watching movies at home now. Because even he can’t handle the modern audience scrolling TikTok mid-scene. If the guy who made Goodfellas says the theater experience sucks now, we’re not going to argue.
Theaters vs. Couches: Is There Even A Contest?
Let’s do the math. Couch: soft. Snacks: already paid for. Bathroom: ten feet away. Audience: mostly your cat. Now compare that to going to the movies: £8 ticket, sticky floors, and a bloke named Humphrey talking about his ex during the climax.
Sure, theaters still pull in crowds for big-budget spectacles – Avatar 2, Barbenheimer, IMAX, Dolby Atmos, explosions vibrating your soul, that whole thing. But it’s not the default anymore. It’s a special occasion, like your friend’s wedding or remembering to floss.
But really, why rush out? In two weeks, the same film will be on streaming, where you can pause to argue about plot holes, Google the actor’s entire dating history, and eat an entire cheesecake in sweatpants without judgment. Delay gratification? In this economy? Please.
So, Are Theaters Dead?
No, they’re just… undead. Kind of like a zombie: technically still here, but mostly dragging themselves forward out of stubbornness and nostalgia. Streaming hasn’t killed theaters – it’s just made them wildly inconvenient by comparison. Think of it as a breakup where one partner moved on to someone hotter, cheaper, and more emotionally available. (Hi, HBO Max.)
Streaming didn’t commit murder – it committed social manslaughter. Theaters are still breathing, but barely. Maybe someday they’ll reinvent themselves. Maybe not. Until then, we’ll be on the couch, watching a Romanian indie film while eating peanut butter out of the jar. Alone. Like a civilised person.
