Run, jump, praise the Lord. Hallelujah!
Over the years, Univ has come to boast the highest pedigree of porters, many of whom have earned themselves as much acclaim as the College’s impressive alumni. There’s Fred, whose retrospective account of his time as head porter, Fred of Oxford, is nestled among the dusty tomes of Univ library. Then there’s the legendary Douglas, who enjoyed such a close rapport with the students that he would offer them personal advice and could predict their future careers. With this in mind, I have high hopes of the current porter being a font of knowledge regarding all manner of student deeds and misdeeds. Yet, sadly for me, the lowly gossip-gleaner, his professionalism and loyalty prevent him from revealing any of the student scandals to which he’s been privy.
One story he does tell me suggests that the porters have quite a lot of fun at our expense. A few years ago, there was a porter-led campaign to "crack down on running in the quads". All those students guilty of anything beyond a brisk walk were fined two pounds. The head porter at the time calculated how many minutes it took to walk from the lodge to different buildings in the College. When a student, locked out of his room, came to the lodge to retrieve his spare key, the porter would insist that it be returned in what he knew to be half the time required. He would then amuse himself in watching that hapless student sprint back to the lodge at full speed, only to be greeted by a two-pound fine. Lest we doubt the altruistic motives of this porter, he assures me that the money was put straight in the charity box.
The Univ porters’ sense of humour is confirmed by another story, this one involving a former head porter who was close friends with the chaplain. This duo would often try to outwit each other with pranks, the most memorable incident occuring during Freshers’ Week a couple of years ago. As is usual, the head porter gave his introductory speech to the Freshers, which was due to be followed by the chaplain’s own address. In his speech, the head porter told his audience to stand up, raise their hands in the air and shout, "Hallelujah", when the chaplain was introduced. Sure enough the chaplain was greeted by the entire body of Freshers with a rousing cry of "Hallelujah!"
Despite my wheedling, the porter staunchly refuses to let slip any student exploits, saying that it would be a breach of trust. Yet the glint in his eye assures me that there are one or two anecdotes worth telling. We’ll have to wait for the memoirs.
