They say you should leave Oxford with a first, a husband or a blue. Which one would you choose? Liz Williams graduated from Oxford this year with a First and a husband. She met her beau at a ball in Hilary of first year, and he proposed in Trinity of third year. “We got married just after Finals so we did a lot of the preparation for the wedding while revising. It was nice to be able to flick through bridal magazines as a break from law revision. I usually revised in the day and planned for the wedding in the evening; having a wedding to look forward to was really useful to off-set the stress of Finals.”
Liz explained how she and Harry had always wanted to get married, but that it was her year abroad in Germany that decided the time frame. “I could see it coming but I wasn’t sure exactly when he would propose.” Though her friends from Oxford found it odd as a concept to get married so young, Liz told how friends in Germany were really shocked. “Possibly because those who go into higher education there stay in education longer, so marriage is put off till later”, she explained. While her friends were celebrating the end of Finals by going travelling in exotic countries, she spent the summer in a cottage in Warwickshire with her new husband. “We got married in August and by then it was pretty expensive to go anywhere too crazy.”
Gabriel Martindale proposed to his girlfriend in Trinity of third year, on a punt in Magdalen’s river by Batwillow Meadow. Gabriel and Dina had been going out for a year and a half; they got together in Michaelmas of his second year and her fourth year. “Some of my friends were very surprised we had got engaged, some were less, and some wondered why it took so long,” he said. “I didn’t want to get married till after I finished my degree, although my wife points out that I did not help much anyway so it would not have made a difference!”
“I think it’s sad that more people don’t get married, even when they know they are in love,” Gabriel explained. “But we wanted to prove that it was possible to get married – to show you can have a nice wedding on a modest budget. Getting married so young will continue to be the exception unless there are any massive societal changes.”
But not everyone waits till after finals to tie the knot. Bryony Collins, who also graduated from Oxford this summer with a First in Archaeology and Anthropology, got married at the end of first year. She met Rusty, now aged 35, during her gap year in New Zealand, and was already engaged when she matriculated at St Hugh’s back in 2007.
“We arranged the wedding during my first year, and did most of the planning in Trinity, which was a nice diversion form prelims revision. I was split between revising really hard and being super excited about Rusty coming to England and the wedding.
“Most people at college viewed me as ‘the one who got married’ and some people found it really strange. But everyone from my course was really accommodating. We had to go on a two week excavation dig, and at that time Rusty had just moved to the UK with nowhere to live. I asked my tutor if Rusty could come on the dig too, so he came with, and actually did the dig with us.”
Though Bryony lived in Hugh’s accommodation for her first year, she lived out with Rusty during her second and third year. “Obviously living with Rusty made a huge difference to my time at university, but I preferred it. I lived with him in Oxford all year round, so it really felt like my home, and it was nice to get away from the crazy, intense atmosphere of college.
“I definitely did not go out as much as most of my friends but that would have been the case anyway, as I’m not that fussed about the nightlife here. I was part of the trampolining club, so went out on crew dates and socials in my first year, but not as much after I was married. I know most people wait at least until after they have graduated if they want to get married. But for us it was the choice between getting married and living together in same country, or spending three years going back and forth between England and New Zealand. We were already engaged so getting married didn’t feel like a massive step.”
Scott Berry is one of two second year PPE students at Wadham to be engaged. But Scott’s situation is even more unique: he lives with his fiancée Dani and baby daughter, Maddie. Scott and Dani met when they were seventeen, and started going out when they were eighteen. In November, when Dani was a few months into her first year at Sheffield University and Scott was on his gap year, they found out that Dani was pregnant.
“Dani did not get pregnant on purpose but we decided to keep the baby. Both our parents were really shocked when they found out, but now they have come round to it all. Wadham have also been really helpful; one of the first people we spoke to was the Wadham Admissions Tutor, who sorted out a college owned apartment for us in Kidlington.”
However, Scott described how in other ways the college has not been as supportive: after problems with student finance, as Maddie was born after the applications were due in, the Domestic Bursar threatened to kick Scott, Dani and Maddie out of the flat.
Scott said, “Having a baby has definitely changed things, but then this was inevitable. Its harder to make friends if your living out of college in your first year. The main thing is time – I want to spend time with my family and see my daughter growing up. Even though part of my life is very different to others, I still have a lot in common with other students, I’m still at uni studying for my degree. People at Wadham tend to be surprised but not judgmental”.
Scott explained how having a child has much more of an impact than just being engaged. “There’s a sense in which I wish I could be a normal student, be able to go out till late and not worry about getting up when Maddie cries at 6a.m. But I would never sacrifice Maddy and Dani for it.”
The average age at which people get married continues to rise. In 1961 the average age for first marriage in England and Wales was 25.6 years for men, and 23.1 years for women. By 2000 this rose to 30.5 for men and 28.2 years for women. But given the number of students at Oxford who have long term partners while at university, it is perhaps surprising that there aren’t more Trinity proposals on punts, mid-finals wedding planning, and post-finals wedding celebrations. So why isn’t everyone doing it?
There is a lot of social pressure not to get tied down, as well as financial pressure, what with student loans to pay off and an unstable job market. Many people do not want to rush into things like buying a flat together and opening joint bank accounts. Some even say you are ruining your life to get married when you are so young, and would never even consider it. Graduates often want to become established in their careers before they turn their attention to marriage. Perhaps it is also the strange atmosphere at university that makes it hard to export a relationship straight from Oxford into the real world. There’s quite a big gap between bringing your boyf to your college bop and bringing him to your corporate client dinners. Getting engaged, married and having a baby will almost certainly remain the exception while at uni. And perhaps its best that way.
