Due to popular pressure, the Foreign Office has announced that it will be filling all of its diplomatic roles with self-styled business man and spokenword artist Nigel Farage. After the election of Donald Trump as US president, Farage was appointed as the British ambassador to America on the advice of several expert Twitter consultants, including @BritzJobz4 and @BravoBoobZero.
After the resignation of EU ambassador Sir Ivan Rogers, the Foreign Office announced that Farage would be taking on this role to help smooth the Brexit process.
The Foreign Office spokesperson Joanne Unbright said: “After public consultation we have decided to appoint a firm Brexiter as EU ambassador, largely because their unpopularity in the European Community will save tax revenue through a reduction in social engagements. Brexit means Brexit, after all.”
Several hours later she issued a further statement:“Sod it, Farage can take the lot. China, Australia, the UN. Who doesn’t want to see Farage try to negotiate a trade deal in the Congo? Or anywhere, for that matter.” After clarification from Downing Street, the press reported that this in fact meant the Farage is to be appointed ambassador to all 195 recognised nations, all global institutions and placed in charge of all economic negotiations.
In his new positions Farage will receive a sizeable salary, which he has chosen to draw primarily in pints of Ruddle’s Best County Bitter (allegedly around 300 pints per day) and packs of Benson & Hedges. He told Reuters: “What’s best for Britain is best for me and I’m excited to have such a pivotal role in re-forging Britain’s place on the world stage. It’s a bit like the war, isn’t it?”
Approached for comment whilst in America building new ties, Boris Johnson said: “Farage is a man that I can do business with. We played a game of charity cricket once. He was out for a duck and then we went and shot a pheasant in a Wetherspoons car park. What a pity that Mrs May confiscated our bails.”
