Wednesday 6th August 2025
Blog Page 1087

Summer school scandal

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Cherwell has learned that Varsity Education, criticised by members of the University last year, is continuing to off er a controversial £3,595 course and is advertising academics’ involvement without their knowledge or consent.

Varsity Education advertises itself on Twitter as being able to “hone your interview and application skills so you get into the University that you’ve always dreamt of,” as well as off ering “inside knowledge” if you enroll on their two-week course, which allows students to attend classes and workshops to develop “key skills”.

Cherwell published an article in February 2015 about the company, which was hosted by Pembroke College and which highlighted concerns over access to the University.

Pembroke is no longer involved with the company, although it continues to use photographs of Pembroke in its marketing and promotional video.

A spokesperson for Pembroke told Cherwell, “Pembroke expects all former clients of our conference and events business to update their publicity visuals to refl ect new locations as and when possible, and to remove all written references to Pembroke College on the termination of any agreement. We do not comment on the details of individual commercial relationships.”

St Cross College told Cherwell that it is considering hosting Varsity Education’s Oxford Summer course.

The College said in a statement, “Varsity Education is a potential commercial client of St Cross for summer 2016. Discussions have not yet been finalised. Our facilities are hired by them on a normal commercial basis, as with any other client, and St Cross is not involved in the organisation of their programmes.”

With regards to “inside knowledge”, Varsity Education lists the heads of the various subjects it off ers on its website, a number of whom are academics or tutors at both Oxford and Cambridge and whom it says “delivered key seminars to our students and had overall responsibility for the design of the course”.

When three of these “academic heads” from Oxford University were contacted, however, they suggested they were unaware of the extent of the position they held.

Dr Josephine van Zeben, a tutor in EU and Public Law at Worcester College listed as “Academic head” of the English Law course, told Cherwell, “I was not aware that my name, without my permission, was being used on the Varsity Education website… I have no link to Varsity Education in any capacity and have instructed them to remove my name from their website.

“My involvement with [Varsity Education] was restricted to providing four one-hour lectures on public law during a one-month period. At no point during that time did I speak to students about the admissions or interview process at Oxford. Nor would I have agreed to do so, if I had been asked to.”

Dr Lisa Walker, a tutorial fellow in Medical Sciences at Balliol, said, “I think the question here actually revolves around what the “Academic Heads” of the subjects actually know about the organisation. In my case, nothing. I had very little notice – I was asked to fill in as someone had apparently dropped out and they needed someone urgently.

“I confess to having been surprised to find my photo and blog on this website. What they have on there is not inaccurate – they have lifted it straight from the Balliol website.”

In addition to these, Dr Sally Bayley, an English tutor at Balliol and St Hugh’s listed as the “Academic head of English”, commented, “I only taught for the Access part of the course, in the fi nal week, where I spoke to kids from all over the country who had been given sponsored places. I can’t comment on anything else, I’m afraid, because I wasn’t part of it.”

On the issue of the company’s contract with Pembroke, James Gold, the director of Varsity Education, told Cherwell, “The contract between and Pembroke College was only ever an annual agreement. It is incorrect to say that either party terminated the contract. We use photos we’ve taken of our past courses to give prospective students a better idea of what to expect.”

“Most of our students come from overseas and haven’t visited Oxford previously. We don’t make any mention of Pembroke on our website and students are aware that we are not based in Pembroke in 2016.

“Our students do not usually have access to the expertise or admissions guidance provided to those studying at selective schools in the UK. Attending our course is one way in which overseas students can gain the same insight already offered to students studying at top UK schools.

“Many other education companies, most of which are run for-profit, operate similar programmes within Oxford colleges and have been doing so for some years.

“Varsity Education is a non-profit company limited by guarantee. This means that we do not have shareholders and we aren’t allowed to distribute profits. The company’s articles of association require us to promote British higher education internationally and to provide students from disadvantaged backgrounds with equal access opportunities.

“We achieve this through using the surplus made by the company to fund scholarship places which are open to academically gifted students from non-traditional Oxbridge backgrounds.

“We aim to make at least 25 per cent of the places on our courses available as fully-funded scholarships. Many of our scholarship students have gone on to successfully receive Oxbridge offers.”

A spokesperson for Oxford University commented, “Oxford University is aware that organisations approach our students and staff to work for them, and may use college premises (just as academic conferences and other summer events lease college rooms and facilities.)

“The University does not endorse any commercial operations or publications offering advice or training on our admissions process, nor do we guarantee the accuracy of any such company’s information.

“University admissions staff are always clear to emphasise to prospective students and parents that Oxford University provides an enormous amount of information, all for free, about the application and admissions process.

“This is the most up to date and accurate information students will be able to find, and we make every effort to answer any questions through Open Days, printed materials, the website, and our dedicated admissions enquiry line.”

At the time of publication, the Varsity Education website continued to display full profiles of the academics contacted by Cherwell.

Christian Union photo causes stir

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Oxford inter-collegiate Christian Union has run into trouble over the photo used for its ‘Everything in Colour’ series of talks. The photo depicted the Holi Festival, which is also known as the festival of colours or the festival of love.

Holi is of religious significance to Hindus and is celebrated for 16 days at the end of winter. Much like the Jewish New Year, it is a time to address past errors and debts and start anew with those in their life.

Some students who noticed felt that the Christian Union was appropriating the festival, despite its deep religious and cultural significance, just for its aesthetic aspect. The image choice received discussion on the Facebook race discussion forum Race Matters.

Shortly after this was brought to their attention, the Christian Union changed the event image and the picture in its other media.

When contacted, the group told Cherwell, “It was brought to our attention on Monday evening that the photo on our posters and social media branding is a picture of the Holi Festival in London. We did not design the posters ourselves, but asked a design company to create posters with colourful backgrounds. Foolishly, we didn’t think to check what the photo was of. We know this was wrong and ignorant, and we apologise for the insensitive and misguided use of imagery. In particular, we apologise to any Hindu people who have been offended by our use of the picture.

“We have individually apologised to those who have been in contact with us about the mistake. We also immediately re-branded our media when we discovered our error – our Facebook pages, Instagram and event website no longer use the image.”

A St John’s first year in the Christian Union told Cherwell, “I think it would be a real shame to let what is essentially an accident mar coverage of what has been an impressive logistical achievement by the CU. I’m sure the design was done with the best of intentions.”

Oxford “animal experiment capital" of the UK

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Anti-Vivisection group Cruelty Free International has described Oxford as the “animal experiment capital of the UK,” after it released figures showing that the University carried out more tests involving animals than any other institute.

Oxford University tops a list compiled by the organisation. The University used 226,739 animals in experiments in 2014, a figure obtained through a Freedom of Information request. Cruelty Free International claims most of the experiments seem to be “driven more by curiosity” than a focused attempt to address any particular illness.

Dr Nick Palmer, Director of Policy at Cruelty Free International, told Cherwell, “According to the figures, Oxford conducted more animal experiments in 2014 than any other university in Britain. Despite more and more universities recognising this isn’t the way to do research and reducing the number of animals on which t h e y test, the stats we have obtained show that Oxford University’s figures are increasing – up by 19 per cent from the previous year.

“While the University spokesman asserts that they are seeking ways to reduce the numbers, this appears to be failing spectacularly, and in the absence of a coherent government strategy to reduce the numbers of animals used in experiments, it is difficult to see how this trend will sustainably reverse.

“Universities rarely need to conduct experiments for legal reasons and the majority of experiments take place because they are considered ‘interesting’. While universities often present their research as important strides in understanding what might help future medical research, most experiments appear to be driven more by curiosity than by a focused attempt to address any particular illness, as our example shows. This flies in the face of public opinion, which is very sceptical about causing suffering to animals in laboratories.”

Cruelty Free International released an example experiment from Oxford University in which monkeys were anaesthetised and head-holding devices were surgically implanted in their skulls, then restrained in chairs and “deprived of water before each test session” so that they had to work for small juice rewards. The experiment aimed to reveal more about how the brain makes rewardbased decisions.

Mice, rats and fish were the animals most experimented on, with pigs, monkeys and guinea pigs also on the list. A spokesperson for Oxford University said, “Oxford University is determined to carry out research using animals to the highest standards. Each researcher is trained and examined before being able to request a Home Office license. Each trial is designed to minimise the number of animals used and is reviewed and approved in a very similar way to a clinical trial in people. Animal care, including veterinary care, is provided around the clock. We are clear that no procedure using animals should be undertaken lightly and staff will challenge any behaviour that risks falling below the high standards we set ourselves.

“We are committed to replacing and reducing the use of animals wherever possible and to refining procedures to reduce the pain caused. We are not yet at a stage where animal research can be replaced altogether. Research using animals continues to provide important insights, whether into the effects of heart disease or the development of vaccines for major global diseases like malaria. Work with non-human primates has given us vital information about how the brain works, allowing us to understand better the effects of sudden damage like stroke and degenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s.”

Jennifer Clements, President of Oxford University’s Animal Ethics Society, commented, “I don’t speak for the whole society, but I suspect very few members were surprised by the findings of Cruelty Free International. There are regular student protests outside various labs in Oxford, and whilst the society is academic in nature, we are regularly asked about protest opportunities at our Freshers’ Fair stall. I personally know several students in Bio-medicine and Psychology who are committed to minimising the use of non-human animals and are practising vegetarians and vegans. I’ve made these points in order to emphasise that many students reject the University’s unethical practices regarding non-human animals.

“I do not know the truth about the claim that most non-human animal experiments are designed for intellectual reasons, rather than direct medical benefit, but I have found from experience that claims that non-human animals are only experimented upon for medical discoveries are often thrown out as a way to stall intellectual debate on the topic.

“Such tactics are often used to present animal activists as extremists who do not care about human suffering, and so undermine their credibility rather than rationally challenging their arguments.

“Oxford University has many terrible legacies, and unfortunately its appalling treatment of animals continues to this day.”

Flags galore for LGBTQ February

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Christ Church and Regent’s Park are the latest Oxford colleges to fly the LGBTQ flag for LGBTQ History Month.

The LGBTQ flag will be flown in Christ Church’s Peckwater Quad for the whole month for the first time. The proposal was agreed to by the college’s Governing Body. Luke Cave, Christ Church JCR President, commented, “As a JCR, we’ve been pushing towards flying the flag for a number of years now and there has always been a backing of support from the JCR, GCR and SCR. We have only secured the LGBT flag to be flown for February 2016 on a trial basis, but are looking to expanding this to other flags and for more years to come.”

Christ Church LGBTQ+ Welfare Officer Molly Moore was also proud of the achievement, saying, “The past week has been a turbulent one for LGBTQ+ people in Christ Church, with certain individuals exhibiting quite discriminatory attitudes towards queer people, and especially queer women. However, that we have been given permission to fly the rainbow flag for the entirety of February is an overwhelming victory at such a traditional college, and is testament to the efforts of the LGBTQ+ community over the past few years to create significant change in the way our college deals with LGBTQ+ issues. This public display of support is of great importance to the LGBTQ+ community and is just one step towards making Christ Church a more accepting, comfortable and welcoming place – something so many of us would like to see!”.

At Regent’s Park, a referendum was held by the JCR to be presented to the College as a case for flying the flag. Previously, the flag policy at Regent’s held that only the college or UK flag could be flown from the flagpole. This year, however, the JCR achieved a compromise whereby the flag would be flown for the last week of February if a referendum was passed in favour of doing so. Such a referendum would need to be yearly.

Ed Hackett, Regent’s Gender and Sexuality Officer, said, “Like many of us in the JCR, I am delighted that College has taken the almost unanimous result of our referendum into account, and has shown that it is willing to represent the wishes of its student body. The very high turn out (72 per cent – an impressive figure for any student referendum) is also very encouraging, and just goes to show that Regent’s is not only a very tolerant and accepting place, but is also a college where the students truly care about the community they are a part of.”

Catz JCR recently passed a motion pledging to fly the flag for the whole of February from this year onwards. JCR President Sarah White said, “I’m chuffed with the decision made by Catz college members to fly the rainbow flag for the entire duration of LGBTQ history month. It was a united decision, with a joint proposal from the JCR and MCR agreed to by the SCR and college staff. It’s brilliant that absolutely everyone is on board with making a visual statement of support for the LGBTQ+ community.’’

Christ Church and Regents’ follow many other colleges in Oxford who fly the flag in February, including Wadham, Oriel, Magdalen and Balliol.

Cambridge to introduce entrance tests

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Cambridge University has announced plans to introduce entrance exams as part of its application process in a letter to UK schools and sixth forms this week. School leavers will now have to sit one to two hour exams either before or at their interview, in a similar style to exams sat by Oxford applicants. Dr Sam Lucy, Director of Admissions at Cambridge, told schools that “no advance preparation will be needed, other than revision of relevant recent subject knowledge where appropriate”.

A Cambridge spokesperson told Cherwell that the decision was taken after the government’s move to scrap the AS qualifications for students sitting their exams in 2017. The University has been critical of government exam reforms, having voiced support for the AS qualification, and claimed that AS level results are the best indicator of A-Level success in a majority of subjects.

When Cherwell asked Cambridge whether the move was in response to a report condemning Oxbridge for failing to improve access to students from state schools published in December, a spokesman for the University responded, “We have the expertise needed to devise assessments which are appropriate for academically gifted Year 13 students from all backgrounds. This decision runs in parallel with our ongoing and extensive work to widen participation. We have consulted teachers from state schools and colleges and taken on board their constructive feedback.”

Response to the entrance exam has been mixed. Niamh Ryle, a Cambridge undergraduate, told Cherwell, “The current at-interview assessments run on a college-by college, subject-by-subject basis are more difficult to predict than entrance tests or AS exams and thus a much fairer measure of academic potential. Preparation for the new application process will be available to the wealthier students whereas those at state comprehensives will not be able to afford it.”

Eleanor Smith, who reads Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic (ASNAC) at Clare College, told Cherwell, “I can’t say the decision thrills me. With ASNAC, what subject knowledge could they possibly be testing? If they were testing based on knowledge, it would depend heavily on the books you’ve read, some of which are pretty expensive. One of the things I liked about interview was that it gave me the chance to show skills in a setting which was more like a conversation.”

However, Katherine Griffiths, a Cambridge offer-holder, argued that standardised admissions test would lead to greater fairness for candidates. “At the moment, it seems unfair that some candidates have to sit a test at their chosen college at interview when other candidates have no test at all. This surely means it’s difficult to judge candidates equally and fairly when you have different amounts of information from each candidate.”

Sir Peter Lampl, Chairman of the Sutton Trust, which works to improve social mobility, told the Financial Times, “Cambridge should be aware that tests could present a disadvantage for lowand middle-income students as there is a thriving market in private tuition for the extra admissions tests used at Oxford and Cambridge.”

The courses which will have pre-interview assessments are Anglo-Saxon, Norse, and Celtic, Asian and Middle Eastern Studies, Chemical Engineering, Economics, Engineering, English, Geography, History, Human, Social, and Political Sciences, Medicine (BMAT), Natural Sciences, Psychological and Behavioural Sciences, Theology, Religion and Philosophy of Religion and Veterinary Medicine (BMAT).

There will be at-interview assessments for Architecture, Classics, Computer Science, Education, History of Art, Land Economy, Law, Linguistics, Modern and Medieval Languages and Philosophy.

This announcement follows The Social Mobility and Child Poverty Commission’s finding that Oxbridge places are “out of reach of most locals.” Not one pupil eligible for free school meals in Cambridgeshire was accepted into Oxford or Cambridge in 2014, and no such Oxfordshire pupil managed it in 2013.

Merton JCR to keep Yorkshire ties

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At Merton’s last JCR meeting on Sunday of Third Week, a motion was proposed in Latin to withdraw the JCR’s affiliation with Sheffield Students’ Union. The motion did not pass.

Oliver Pateman, who seconded the motion, said that he and Sam Banks, who proposed the motion, had wanted to “resolve the inconsistency” of Merton JCR’s affiliation with two different student unions.

“In the case of OUSU, we have representation at OUSU Council, the right to vote in OUSU elections and the opportunity to get involved with and support OUSU campaigns among a whole gamut of benefits and responsibilities we get from OUSU membership,” Pateman stated. “By contrast, our ‘affiliation’ with Sheffield has brought the Merton JCR nothing other than a trip for two of its members to their SU bar while on an incidental visit to see a friend. We thought this disparity ought to be resolved by the [meeting].”

He added that he and Banks had “decided to write the motion in Latin as a bit of a joke”, as there was no requirement that that a JCR motion had to be written in English.

However, the majority of students present at the meeting did not support the motion and voted against it. Daniel Schwennicke and Toby Adkins both opposed to the motion being written in Latin, noting that it sounded pretentious.

Noting the “mood of the JCR that evening,” Pateman said that he does not anticipate similar motions regarding the Sheffield SU in the future.

“I think people find our ‘affiliation’ with Sheffield funny and unobtrusive enough in general to not be worth changing, which is why our motion struck the JCR as a bit of a waste of time,” Pateman said. However, he emphasised that he and Banks “did it with the best intentions, neither as a slight to Sheffield SU nor to the members of the Merton JCR who voted to affiliate initially.”

Taking Somerville to the bank

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Mary Somerville has been short-listed to appear on the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) ten-pound note. If successful, she would be the only woman honoured on a Scottish banknote other than the Queen.

Somerville, a nineteenth-century Scottish scientist after whom the Oxford college is named, will be up against the physicist James Clerk Maxwell, whose study of electromagnetism inspired Albert Einstein and Thomas Telford, the civil engineer known as the ‘Colossus of Roads’.

Somerville is credited with a crucial role in the discovery of Neptune, thanks to her writing on a hypothetical planet interrupting the orbit of Uranus.

RBS is inviting votes via its Facebook page until 7th February, after asking the public for nominees in the field of science and innovation.

This was advertised on Cuntry Living, encouraging members to vote for Somerville, who “made a name for herself at a time when women tended to be de facto excluded from most scientific institutions.”

RBS’s decision to shortlist Somerville follows controversy from the Bank of England’s decision to place the prison reformer Elizabeth Fry alongside Winston Churchill on the £5 note from 2016.

RBS’s chief marketing officer, David Wheldon, told the BBC, “The strength of our shortlist is indicative of the significant contribution that Scotland has made to the field of science and innovation.”

“I look forward to finding out which one of these great figures is chosen.”

It’s not them it’s their..

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It’s not them… it’s their pun rejections.

The date was going so well, and you made me feel like an idiot. Puns are a huge part of my life, and here’s why.

The smirk. The wide, facile grin. The eyebrows raised in expectation of laughter and applause. This is a person who has just made an awesome pun. They look pretty damn selfsatisfi ed and they have no right to be. They look like they just disproved every scientifi c theory ever made, as if by their feats of wordplay they’ve rewritten the very laws of physics. If they’re going the whole hog, they point fingers to provide quotation marks, punctuating what they undoubtedly believe has surely just been a hideously, disgustingly, good pun. This article was always going to be ‘foggy’, but before I’ve ‘mist’ the point, let me just say: I love puns. I bloody love them. Puns make me happy. Whether they are genuine attempts at original humour, clear parodies of what has come before, or just utter fails, puns have the awesome and unifying power to bring the world together. Laughing at, laughing with, and laughing in disbelief that anyone was bold enough to say that uncool pun – it’s therapeutic. It’s like that guy I saw last week who wears a bicycle helmet shaped like a pig’s face. I respect you. You are self-aware. You know you’re a tiny bit dorky and you totally own it. I will love you forever.

So you know what gets me down? People who think they’re better than puns. I am firmly of the belief that absolutely no-one is better than puns. ‘Pun’-ctual laughter after a pun is obligatory. No matter the quality of the pun, no matter the speaker, it is an unwritten rule that one should at least giggle scandalously. I Kant speak on the philosophical necessity of puns, but they seem to me to be the glue which binds all human interaction together.

Puns are so fluffy and innocent, like that fresher who shows up to Oxford on the first day with colour coded pens and notebooks. And what’s more, they’re so easy to slip into any conversation. If you suffer from a lack of conversation topics and comedic skills, you can tell a pun knowing ‘full well’ that it will a ‘fountain’ of humour because if it goes wrong, you can pretend that you never meant for it to be funny. That your punnery was more ironic than a clothes press. If your audience is unreceptive, you can simply roll your eyes and everyone will love you for your faux-nerdiness. Do this, and everybody wins.

Let me tell you a story, dear reader. It was my first date with a lovely chap. He had a charming complexion and lots of thick, fluffy hair. We went to a pseudo-trendy restaurant with absurdly small portions and everything was going well. We chatted about out grandmothers, how much we hate people who say “therefore” in regular conversation, and the political issues in Syria. When the dessert came, I was happily scarfi ng down my sticky toff ee pudding and thought out one of my best puns.

The everlasting, most sacred bond of communal humour relies on all participants laughing at bad puns. I’m not going to set too high standards: even a groan whilst smiling, or an indulgent sigh with a tiny chuckle is enough to support this bastion of human experience. What one must never do is pretend that the puns aren’t funny. That is an act of treason. You are rebelling against the many gods of dorky, lexical-inspired humour, everywhere. I did not appreciate my date’s reaction to my punilariousness. He frowned at me and awkwardly changed the subject. At this point, I really wasn’t at all certain that the rest of the date would go to well.

Who are you trying to impress? Why are you trying to be cool? You’re not the cool cucumber you think you are. I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re not Kimye or Zayn Malik. You don’t even come close. We all know puns are funny. Good puns are funny and bad puns are funny. It’s impossible for a pun not to be funny. So just do yourself a favour and have a cheeky chuckle at that poor person who has put herself out there like a beautiful, radiant sunflower in the conversation, rather than lopping off that sunflower and consequently destroying all happiness in the world. Water the sunflower. Allow it to grow. Only good things can come from spreading the positivity that puns provide.

My pun was destroyed by you. You have not only off ended puns as a principle, but you have eff ectively eradicated any possibility for a second, or dare I say, third date. I wish you well Mr. Scrooge. Thanks for dampening my life. Respect humour. Respect human society. Respect yourself. Love puns.

A letter to…

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I remember first meeting you very clearly. As a nervy, young fresher I was very conscious upon first entering the library that I was entering another kingdom. Your kingdom. As you led me and my classmates on a tour through the labyrinth of musty shelves of ancient books and graffiti-laden desks, it became terrifyingly clear that you were the only person that truly held power in this insane otherworld where hopes of going on a night out at Bridge go to die. Fluent in the Dewey Decimal System, you rattled off the numbers and letters inscribed on the slowly deteriorating spines seemingly uttering some kind of occult devil-speak. You mystified me and terrified me at the same time. Were you born here, in some enclosed corner of the Law section?

I looked you in the eye briefly as you explained the concept of the Returns Box. I’m not sure what I saw. Late for the library induction, and a friend of mine sprinted in through the doors knocking over a stack of recent library acquisitions as he went. The noise was thunderous but this wasn’t the worst part. In his sweatily nervous hand he clutched a paper cup filled to the brim with disgusting vending machine coffee. Drilled into our skulls from the moment we entered her compound was the rule banning food and drink in the library. We knew this was one of the great taboos. My heart leapt in fear, wondering what goddess-like judgment you, the regina bibliothecae, would pass next. Hoping against hope that you would spare him, I watched in terror as he tripped, his foot catching on a roll of carpet, and the coffee in his hand spilled out over the floor.

I knew it was over. For him, and maybe for all of us. You trembled with rage. I thought I could smell brimstone. I vowed to myself that I would never bring myself into your displeasure, no matter what. But oh, how quickly that promise went out of the window! You may have terrified me in freshers’ week but after the experiences I have had here, I know there are fates worse than library fines and meetings with the Dean. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve brought a mug of tea into the library to dull the chronic ache of an essay crisis.I’ve sat proudly at a desk in full view of your office with a muffin from hall disappearing from its grease-paper wrapping into my ravenously hungry mouth. I no longer fear death. You can’t touch me anymore. The library in which you reign supreme is only a small part of a small town in a small country, in a huge, huge world. I saw you leaving the library once, and as you walked out of the door you seemed to shrink and wither. Outside of the labyrinth, you’re as weak as the rest of us, and we all know it. Was all this a bit much? Perhaps. But you’re the expert; you would know 

Creaming Spires HT16 Week 3

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Losing your virginity is scary. Being a male I had the classic fears: finishing too soon, not being able to please the girl, or looking like Will from The Inbetweeners. I was, however, not worried that my cock would deflate like a balloon or that my cousin would block me on Facebook. This might take some explaining. Nobody goes to a family party expecting to get laid. This is precisely what I managed. When you have cousins who own a farm and are having 300 guests to a party for a joint 18th and 21st, things are obviously going to be a little different. Picture a rural village in the south of England, a tent city, two bands, a marquee and a fucking great big fire pit and you get two things: disgusting white privilege and a whole lot of chaos. A lot of the night was a blur. Occasionally I will hear a piece of music or smell a certain aroma and be thrown into a flashback like a USveteran from Vietnam (You don’t know, man. You weren’t there). I do, however, remember Sophie sitting next to the fire. She was beautiful, clever and musically talented. She was also my cousin’s best friend. I went to dance with her. Jalfrezi breath and a semi pushing through your trousers had never been so attractive. Nothing could go wrong now. Sophie and I found our way inside and ended up on a sofa. Her eyes – all four of them – stared into mine as we spoke. We started to make out. This was at the stage in my life where I still thought that the aim of kissing was to lick the uvula.

We found our way back to my tent and soon, the petting grew heavier. Foreplay intensified. Grade eight on two musical instruments and I am confident on my fingering abilities. I won’t go into a Fifty Shades of Grey level description like an immature 12-year-old boy trying to write erotica, but I think she kind of enjoyed it (but my optimism may be straying from reality).

“Do you have a condom?” The words of the last five years of wet dreams have been uttered. I pull out my dubious wallet Durex. That one from sex-ed class in year nine. It’s been sitting, waiting. As I eased what I now call “slender man” (tall and gangly) into her I tried not to exclaim, like McLovin from Superbad, “Its in!” Forget finishing too quickly, or actually maybe that is a hefty imperative. Eventually the condom came off. I didn’t trust it. I did the one logical thing and went to my cousin to ask her for a condom…to fuck her best friend. I’m not really sure how but I found one.

We continued but were faced with the same stamina-based issues as before. As the sun came up, we didn’t see an explosion like the Hindenburg disaster but a bouncy castle slowly deflating. There are few things as awkward as eating breakfast with your family, your cousin and her best friend who watched as your cock went floppy. I don’t know if that counts as losing your virginity. The one thing I certainly lost was my erection. My cousin did write to thank us for being there. Her little section to me said: “Thanks for coming (to the party that is, not on the sofa)