Friday 17th April 2026
Blog Page 1104

Florio: a Poet’s Dream

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Sunday of 0th week is an odd time. I feel I should be working, but also, it’s the weekend, I’m hungover from a bop I happily cannot remember and – most importantly – I’m lazy. One part of my day has featured intermittently in most of my Sundays in Oxford: Magdalen’s Florio Society. A poetry discussion group, informal, typically with alcohol, it would not be an unusual scene across Oxford. There is, however, one extraordinary difference: the poetry being discussed is very much contemporary; so contemporary, in fact, that frequently the first time it has received audience is in that very room – it is the attendees’ own.

The society goes back at least as far as 1956, and some of its members have gone on to achieve notable literary success (former members include Adam Thorpe, James Fenton – even the politician John Redwood). Its guests have included authors of the highest rank: Auden, Pinter and Murdoch have all attended. The Society is named for an old member of the college, John Florio (1553? – 1625), known best for Italian translations and whose work Shakespeare used as a source for ‘The Tempest’. The notion of translation is peculiarly apt: the society takes pride in, and frequently achieves, clarity of expression. This poetic imperative lends itself, so far at least, to a high quality of poetic expression from all submitters.

I may be the exception to that rule. I write poetry infrequently and the idea of ‘creating’ is a terrifying one. Too often I fear my ideas might be too shabby, maybe even too clichéd to bear any kind of scribal effort. I did, however, produce a poem for Florio this time around (this Sunday). It’s not published here – I’m not sure it will ever again see light of day – but it was immensely worthwhile to elicit a response from others whose poetical abilities far exceed my own. And I’m not just talking about that third-year English student who’s notoriously bright; alongside we pretentious, high-minded undergrads, the evening is frequented by Magdalen’s Emeritus Fellow, John Fuller: he is a renowned poet in his own right, and to have your own work critiqued by a poet (and former tutor) of such acuity is an immensely thought-provoking experience. To be able to criticise his poetry, most of which is unpublished, is also a powerful leveller – first and far-too-many years share in a unitive anonymity where ‘contextualising’ a work is an impossibility.

This anonymity is a tool I should stress more clearly: the discussion requires no admission of authorship. Katie Mennis, a first year Classics & English student, attests, “I would not normally let just anyone read something I’d written – in Florio, I don’t have to worry. The atmosphere is relaxed enough that I’m not afraid just to send something in – and no one knows it’s me. It’s also a great learning experience; it usually points out where I could be syntactically stricter, and so helps my writing overall.” Attitudes like this are, I’d expect, common across those who go.

Each week is loosely grouped around a theme. This is almost invariably ignored, unless it can somehow be related to what a poet wanted to talk about anyway. However, the poems do share something in common: they ache to be read, and read aloud. As no one author has any claim over any poem, each time someone elects to read, the poem is lent an oral depth which transfers naturally into discussion. It is this discursive element which makes Florio so powerful – it is more like a conversation – the poems merely starting points.

Day Festival

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Models: Ella Cattle / Izzy Taylor

Makeup & Hair: Brothers Oxford

Styling: Roseanne Finn

Creative directors: Roseanne Finn / Aini Putkonen

Photography: Jasmine B Photography

Ray’s Chapter & Worse: 2nd week

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This week I had a revelation. Whilst cycling back from rowing, just before I was due to go into the Choffices (Cherwell Offices for the uninitiated) to edit the paper, and planning my review of a play I’d seen the previous night to be published tomorrow, it suddenly hit me. Since coming to Oxford, I have been imbued with magical powers. Maybe it was passed on to me through that most mysterious of ceremonies, Matriculation (if you didn’t drink the fresh blood from the skull of the Tab you’re not properly Oxonian), or maybe I’ve just inherited it through osmosis by living here. As well as struggling with a world class degree, I am also juggling the positions of Treasurer of OUCB, Deputy Editor for Cherwell, writing weekly blogs, rowing in the college boat club, publishing a college pamphlet, being Lord High Master of the Croquet, the statue of Bodley in the Bodleian Library every Thursday, and the Vice-President Majestic Wizard of Iffley (work out which of those is false for yourself). I’m not trying to show off, I’m merely highlighting a glaringly obvious fact: that Oxford encourages us to take far too much on, in far too short a space of time.

Oxford is, you may have noticed, a truly beautiful and fascinating place, full of equally beautiful and fascinating people. There are so many opportunities, so many chances to make friends and network, to try out and hone new skills. You can prove yourself through work, and to commit and become part of a team outside of studies in a myriad of ways. For those of us with exams this term, the temptation is to shut yourself away in a library and surrender your life for that gleaming mirage of a First- and for those of us without exams, there is the chance to fill up the diary with exciting commitments. With so many diversions at every footfall, how could you think to waste even a single second here?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Philip Larkin can write better poetry than me. He can stop and think- he remembers to breathe. As for me- well, after dashing up to the Choffices and desperately proofreading articles for four hours, I was sentient only enough to drag myself home to bed. I had no time to think over the day, to reflect on who I’d met or what I’d done- I can’t even coherently plan for the week ahead, as I end up throwing myself out of bed each morning to impale myself on the next commitment. That’s not what poetry is about- and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s how one should ‘do’ Oxford. It’s just not humanly possible to fit it all in- the degree, the Blue, the social life. Reading this poem, ‘The Trees’ by Larkin, reminds me that sometimes it’s important to step back, and to let yourself think- only then will you be able to process things, let alone write poetry. As Larkin writes, ‘begin afresh, afresh, afresh’- maybe I won’t go to the AGM of the Majestic Wizards of Iffley tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just go for a walk instead.

The Trees by Philip Larkin

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too,
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

Passengers left blinded by loud Ryanair decor

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Waking up at 4am and trekking across the country to Stansted is always a bittersweet feeling. Yes, you’re going on holiday but at the same time you’ve only had four hours of sleep and are fed up with the cheerful taxi driver’s incessant attempts to make small talk with you. As if this wasn’t bad enough, you then arrive at an airport.

Everything, except for the glaring billboards, is grey; the floor, the walls and the face of the airport security man asking if you have “any liquids or gels”. Your sheer exhaustion is reaching its peak when all of a sudden a burly man feels you up just because you forgot to take off your belt. They poke around in your bag with what looks like a magic wand but instead of pulling out a rabbit they conjure up some nail scissors and then throw them away. Finally, its over and you make your way through to the terminal to try and buy a coffee. Except you can’t buy a coffee, you can only buy a frappuccino, triple shot, skinny, flexible, rotund latte made with the tears of fucking orphans. Okay, so the frappuccino is actually pretty good and you finally find somewhere to sit down and flick to the ‘off the beaten track’ section of your Lonely Planet guide that other tourists have obviously never read.

Just when you have finally recovered from the traumatic ordeal that was fighting your way through the airport you are hit with yet another discomfort utterly worse than anything that had come before: the colour scheme of Ryanair. It’s almost as if they are trying to trick you – as when you enter the plane you are greeted with an acceptable undulant dark blue that is neither inspiring nor offensive. However, once you pass the first seat the horror manifests itself in the brittle plastic sheaths that shroud the cramped seats and it is inescapable. Yellow is everywhere, in your face, up your nose – it’s practically undressing you. You would never normally wear Ray Bans inside but desperate times call for desperate measures.

To add insult to injury you realise they’ve ripped the seat pocket out as well just so they can offend you with more yellow. Ironically, they’ll be the ones regretting that decision when you can’t find a sick-bag to throw up in. Seriously, who is Ryanair’s interior designer? Or did they just ask a child to name two colours and then went with that. They’re Irish. They could have gone with a nice palatable green but instead decided to bombard you with a yellow that is brighter than Ra himself.

To escape the yellow, you decide to glance at the menu and are shocked to see that a bottle of water costs two quid and a cheese and pickle sandwich is hitting the five pound mark. If the colour scheme hadn’t already put you off your food this menu most certainly will; not only is the quality of the food terrible but it also costs an arm and a leg.

All annoyances aside you gradually find yourself drifting off to sleep, and although you’ll probably have nightmares, it’s a deserved rest after an arduous day. But with a jolt you are awoken; the plane has landed! It was not exactly stress-free but you can now at least think about enjoying your holiday. Just as you’re beginning to forgive Ryanair, your senses are subjected to torture once again when the not-so-bad-landing is followed up by a screeching trumpet fanfare and ripples of applause. If you had had your eyes closed you might have guessed that you’d just gone to see your eight-year-old son’s orchestra, but alas it was just awful ending to an awful flight. Next time I’m flying Easy Jet.

Review: Hush – a cat and mouse fight to the death

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THREE STARS

When a streamlined one-hour 20-minute picture can fully transport its audience into a situation, even one as brutal and unusual as the heroine Maddie’s, you know the film is doing what it’s supposed to.

Hush is Mike Flanagan’s impressive follow-up to his mind-bending but ultimately unsatisfying Occulus (2013). The premise is simple enough: a young woman is subjected to the home invasion of a mask-wearing knife wielding maniac. But here’s the hook – the victim is deaf. Queue a cat-and-mouse fight-to-the-death with an abundance of tension.

Home-invasion in horror is a sub-genre that seems to have been banging its head against a brick wall for a long time. Directors have tried to innovate but to little avail. All they’ve really offered is an assembly line of the same narrative in slightly tweaked contexts.

But this hasn’t stopped audiences coming back for more. Insidious was the highest grossing horror film of 2015 and the Sinister trilogy has been incredibly successful on a commercial level. Yet the appetite of the horror fan for fresh, contributions to this sub-genre has not been truly satiated.

Hush, however, may be just thing the horror community is looking for. It gives people something much more conceptually stimulating and consistently thrilling. This is probably the most exciting addition to the Blumhouse conveyor belt of low-budget horror, a production studio responsible for the likes of Paranormal Activity and Sinister. Whilst the material is not the most original – a similar premise is seen in Wait Until Darkness (1967) – it provides the director (Mike Flanagan) and writer (Katie Siegal, who also plays the protagonist, Maddie) a plethora of interesting directions that they exploit from the outset.

The film also negotiates established horror conventions. The most striking subversion of trope is in the protagonist herself who doesn’t fit the stereotypical female victim. She’s a real person figuring out how to stay alive and outwit the villain. Her formidable desire to survive makes for a gripping viewing experience and a refreshing, modern take on the damsel in distress stock character. The film also pays tribute to Michael Haneke’s Funny Games in that the director knows exactly what the audience will be screaming at their screens and when they’ll be screaming it. It gives the film a wry self-consciousness that distinguishes it from most mainstream horror.

Hush is not the best horror you’ll ever see, nor will it be the best film you’ll see this year. But Netflix subscribers will find it a thoroughly entertaining, fast-paced and ultimately intelligent film that will probably thrill more than chill.

Easy Kitchen-Free Recipes

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First year at university can be hard. Away from home, clueless freshers are forced to fend for themselves, getting to grips with the unusual customs of Oxford, engaging in painful small talk with other newbies and formulating sentences in tutorials when their eyelids are visibly drooping. Meals can become something of a chore; the temptation to avoid hall, where there is an expectation to socialise and appear presentable, mounts higher as the term goes on. Unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with kitchens, so these simple recipes will enable you to immerse yourself fully in the lifestyle of a hermit. With the humble kettle, iron or toastie maker, fine dining is not as out of reach as you might think.

Vietnamese Summer Rolls

Ingredients: rice paper (buy at Lung Wah Chong Chinese Supermarket – look out for it en route to Wahoo), 1 packet vermicelli noodles, 1 packet of prawns (OR surplus pork from Mission Bur- rito since the meat to rice ratio is a bit absurd), 1 packet shredded carrot, lettuce, coriander, sweet chilli sauce, soy sauce, kettle.

  1. Lay out all your ingredients and an empty plate on which you will construct
    the rolls
  2. Boil the kettle and pour the water intoalargebowl
  3. Soak one sheet of rice paper until soft
  4. Place on the plate and quickly blot with paper towel if necessary
  5. Pile on all your ingredients
  6. Fold and roll into a mini burrito shape. Serve with more sweet chilli or soy sauce

Heated falafel wraps

Not even going to pretend that these are nicer than the wraps at El Mexicana but they will prove how creative you are.
Ingredients: 1 packet of burrito wraps, 1 tub of hummus, 1 packet of falafels, 1 packet cherry tomatoes, 1 packet coriander, lettuce, 1 packet halloumi, tin foil, iron

1. Chop up all the tomatoes, coriander, lettuce and halloumi

2. Lay a burrito wrap down on one half of a sheet of foil and fold the other half on top of it to sandwich the wrap inside

3. Iron the burrito
4. Place all the ingredients inside
5. Wrap it up in the same way as you did for the summer rolls and then wrap the foil tightly around it so nothing spills out
6. Iron it again – particularly aim to heat up the halloumi. Remove foil and serve
NB: The heating of the wrap may make it seem that I have merely added unnecessary complica- tions to an ordinary cold meal. However, the use of an iron elevates this dish by softening the hal- loumi and validating your decision to bring an iron to uni in the first place, since your clothes are rarely washed let alone ironed for the 8 week long duration of your stay in Oxford.

Vegetarian Brunch

Like a classic fry up but without meat because toastie makers rarely reach temperatures high enough to make that a safe option.
Ingredients: 1 packet mushrooms, 1 packet cherry tomatoes, 1 egg, butter, sliced bread, coriander, toastie maker.

  1. Turn toastie maker to the highest temperature and put a knob of butter on one half of it Crack an egg into the dipped plate of the toastie maker

2. Close the lid as much as possible, without cracking the yolk. You may need to prop the lid in place

3. Leave for about 3 mins (assuming your toastie maker is as ineffective as mine)

4. Add a knob of butter to the other half of the toastie maker. Add chopped up mushrooms and coriander

5. Close the toastie maker again and leave for 2/3 more minutes

6. Chop up tomatoes. Add these to the mush- rooms and leave for 2/3 more minutes – the egg should still be cooking away

7. Put a piece of bread on top of the mushroom/ tomato mixture – this will allow all the tomato juice to soak into the bread and taste yum.

8. Hopefully the egg will have cooked by now – check this very carefully Remove egg and fully close toastie maker to toast the upper half of the bread for a few minutes

9. Put everything on a plate. Serve with more coriander to make yourself feel fancy.

Bon appetit.

Pub Review: Wetherspoons

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One of the benefits of being a linguist is the rich wealth of opportunities to travel and to see what the world holds be- yond these green and pleasant lands. Based on my brief travels I will not deny that the food in Italy is better, Germany works smoother and that given the choice between a cold February night in Oxford and sunnier climes… you get the picture. Despite what Nigel Farage may have you believe, there are some things that are better abroad.

This brings us to the subject of this article, my beloved Wetherspoons. Any Brit abroad – from the Hong Kong expat to the trashed lad in Magaluf – will tell you that there is just nothing quite like a good English pub. The decor, the line of ales, the welcoming fire smouldering 11 months of the year… there are no rivals. And while it’s true that The Four Candles may not be to everyone’s taste it certainly does tick the majority of boxes. From the buoyant atmosphere to the cheap beer, sometimes all that will do is a ‘Spoons sesh’, and this Oxford gem will not let you down.

Let me tell you why. Everyone these days is grasping for aconcept, an aspiration to set himself or herself apart from the pack.The trouble with this is that during their desperate efforts to do precisely that they become even more anonymous; through trying to be individual and edgy they become so much blander. How many pubs in Oxford market themselves as older and more historic than- what seems like time itself? How many bombard you with constant invitations to weekly pub quizzes? How many brag about the biggest and best selection of craft beers? Too many is probably the answer to these questions, is it not?

What I’m trying to point out is that Spoons wants nothing to do with this fruitless arms race.

Zilch. Nada. It’s just Spoons. The Four Candles is no different to any of its Spoons brothers, dependent and consistent. That is not to say that it is without its charms. For a start, there is no music. Maybe I’ve become an old man since arriving here but nothing beats conversation, and when you look around the stylishly lit interior I have to say that there are more people pissing themselves laughing than just about any pub I’ve ever been to. The place is big too, meaning there’s always room for a big group and making it the perfect place for a pre crewdate stop-over, or for some Dutch courage before hitting the Park End cheese floor. I’m sure that most people reading this will be aware of the Spoons phenomenon, but sometimes you just have to be reminded of those little things in life. Go show Spoons some love.

The Oxonian Dandy

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With Trinity collections a definite thing of the past, as an auburn sun sets once more over the rusty rooves of our handsome city and the teasing breeze tickles the sandstone bricks, every young gent asks himself the same question: Is it too cold to unship my quarter-length chino shorts?

Last week, we looked at the ways to best stand out with colour. This week, we examine not so much the ways in which we tint our outfit, but rather the ways to assemble it. Sadly, not every outfit can be practical for the modern chap – and thus the above question – much to the benefit of wardrobe liberty, becomes redundant. Gone are the days when the waffle greatcoat would be neglected on the coat-hanger during a particularly fiery August. We live and dress in a progressive age. One must not spurn one’s Geox sandals just because it’s below freezing, and, similarly, the choice of a mackintosh must not be merely motivated by the promise of a shower: this week, we break down the oppressive traditions of weather-driven dressing.

The true Oxonian Dandy will pick his outfit irrespective of the weather, and, for those looking to free their style from its meteorological confines, layering is a concept that must be at the forefront of the mind when stood musing in front of the wardrobe before a 9am. Don’t leave behind your scarf if it complements the Givenchy turtleneck you happen to have chosen just because the weatherman has prescribed the factor 50.

Though we interact with the world at present, nonetheless we base these same undertakings on events of the past. A poignant reflection of this would be to enact a glancing twist on that 90s staple of the short-sleeve T atop a contrasting long-sleeve. Shake it up by instead donning a ‘beater. Remember what I said last week about colour! I would advise a lilac lavender combination, here. Or, if you wanted to give your countenance a sporty undertone, dig out the rash vest from the catacombs of the commode.

Another look of the future (one to watch out for on the late spring catwalks in Milan) is the twinning of spray-on skinny jeans and a truly bulging puffer. You want to look as top-heavy as you possibly can. You aren’t going to be able to achieve the required appearance of wadding without packing out the under-layers: I’m talking vests, at least one jumper, a fleece and maybe a sweatshirt if you’re really going for that seam-splitting rotundness.

Despite my eternal misgivings on the constraints weather imposes upon fashion, since the summer is drawing ever nearer, I will offer a quick final word or two on lawn-party chic. The most important forethought of a successful outfit for such an occasion is most certainly making sure your top layer matches the sludgy hue of the drink you’ll most certainly be knocking back: Pimms. With a mud-brown or toffee cable jumper, you’ll never worry about the inevitable spillage. If you’re looking to emulate the smoothness of melted caramel, put a few cocktail sticks in your pocket for skewering strawberries.

Next week we’ll be trying to bridge the gaps between smart and casual.

 

Top spots in the Covered Market

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  1. Georgina’s Cafe

This cute cafe is hidden upstairs in the market, with a pink sign downstairs leaving the only clue to its presence. It’s especially good for the all-day breakfast, which consists of bagels, omelettes and pastries, but also serves tasty potato skins, quesadillas, and wraps for lunch – alongside many many cakes.

2. iScream

This gelateria originated from an inspiring trip to Tuscany and serves easily the best gelato in Oxford – if not as good as the actual Italian stuff. The range of gelato on offer is mouth-watering, with the current menu introducing inventive creations like bubbly (bubble gum), biscotto (cookies and cream) and pistacchio (pistachio, unsurprisingly!), alongside classic flavours such as cioccolato (chocolate), nocciola (hazlenut) and fragola (strawberry). All their ingredients are top-quality too, free-range, organic and freetrade wherever possible.

3. Alpha Bar

Situated in the middle of the north entrances to the market, Alpha Bar offers some amazing lunchtime salads served in takeaway paper boxes with recyclable wooden forks for around £5. All the food is organic, locally-sourced and fair-trade (where possible), and everything is prepared daily in the nearby kitchens. You can expect falafels, roasted veg, goats cheese, smoked mackerel, mixed wild rices, chicken caesar, homemade hummus… the list goes on. The best part? You completely create your own salad; you choose exactly what you’d like and watch it being made in front of you. Fresh, healthy food at its finest.

4. Nectar

Just down to the left of the Alpha Bar is this cold-press juice, smoothie and frozen yoghurt bar. The drinks are quite expensive, costing around £2.50-£4, but the selection is really varied and delicious. Everything is made to order, including standard juices, like orange, apple and carrot, smoothies like the “forever young” (blackberries, strawberries and mango) and a whole array of juices (the lemon and mint is particularly good). They even present an assortment of “boosters” to add to your drink, such as spirulina, goji berries and maca.

5. Bonner’s Fruit and Veg

Although not a café or drinks bar, this family-run business definitely deserves a mention. They sell a great range of fresh fruit and vegetables, all in season and artfully displayed up to the ceiling. The servers are really helpful, ready to find anything you can’t and weigh the perfect amounts out. A much better option than Tesco/Sainsburys for sure – it’s cheaper, and gives the ideal occasion to shop locally too.

 

Woman claims to be at Oxford, scams parents for £250,000

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A heroin addict has been convicted of conning her own parents out of £250,000 by telling them she was studying for a DPhil at Oxford.

Nicola Boardman, now 34, has been lying to her parents Frank and Marilyn for four years about fictitious research and living expenses supposedly incurred while studying for a degree in Social Sciences at Oxford.

Rather than putting it towards academic study, she spent the money on heroin, lavish holidays, and a £10,000 wedding ceremony in London to which her parents were not invited. She pled guilty to fraud on April 20 at the Truro Crown Court in Cornwall, and was sentenced to three years and four months in prison.

In his statement to the court, her father Frank said, “I personally have been deprived of my retirement that I have worked hard for, for the last 40 years.”

Indeed, the parents sold their home after their daughter promised that her expensive pretense of research would yield a three million pound payout when it was finished, an unusually high sum for academic work.

Boardman went so far as to tell her parents that she’d had a stillborn child, when in fact she’d chosen to abort it, and held a fake ash-scattering for the baby. She eventually revealed to her parents that she had relapsed into her teenage heroin addiction, but continued to conceal part of her other uses for their money.

This deception apparently began shortly after Boardman graduated from Camborne College, part of Plymouth University, with a first class degree in Social Sciences.

After graduation she told her parents that she wanted to continue into graduate study, and convinced her father to drive her to both Oxford and Cambridge for interviews, though in fact she had applied to neither university.

Boardman then told her parents that she had been accepted to both, but chose Oxford. This deceit lasted for over four years, during which Nicola Boardman forged email correspondence with academics and evidence of her research in what the judge described as a “prolonged” and “sophisticated” operation.

Rose Atkinson, a Physicist at Keble told Cherwell , “I’m actually at Oxford and my parents won’t give me 250k!”

Dan Mangles, an engineer at Keble, told Cherwell he believed “that the parents were easily deceived, and that the daughter put up an incredibly effective (and probably emotionally draining) deception.

Given that the daughter apparently had a really broken relationship with them, I think it was incredibly careless of them to trust her with the money when they didn’t have any real trust emotionally.”

Others were more impressed by Boardman’s thoroughness – Ben Steward, a historian at Lincoln told Cherwell, “It must surely have been quite a comprehensive effort even to give [her] some chance of succeeding in their deceit, as it’s no trivial matter to lie about!”