Wednesday 18th June 2025
Blog Page 1117

Celebrity Children Restored my Faith in Humanity

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Celebrity children are literally the best thing. Like, the best. Hailing from the hip-happening streets of Hollywood’s gated communities, these cutie patooties are quite clearly the most highly evolved type of human imaginable. Imagine having nothing but the DNA of two gorgeous, pouty famous people replicating inside you forever and ever ad infinitum! Imagine being super fucking wealthy and infallibly popular just ‘cos everyone wanted to bang your dad in the 80s! What an honour, what a way to live!

When first-generation celebs have babies, they bestow a gift upon the world. They’re creating an ideal of what human beings can and should be. New ‘normal’ (not on my watch!) parent: look down at your own troubled tyke and realise all the ways in which that little scamp will never ever, not even once manage to measure up to a second generation Barrymore or third generation Arquette. And it’s all on you and your poor life choices, you crusty, infamous, asymmetrical mess. LOL!

No wonder the world’s gone celebrity baby crazy. In these dark times of moral relativism and overstimulated apathy, we need these bright young things just to make it through the days. Personally, I know that if I have had an awful time at work, if I’ve fought with my loved ones, or if Mercury’s in retrograde, I just gotta know what’s up with Patrick ‘Pattyboy’ Schwarzenegger or Kate Hudson. Even an update on Bryce Dallas Howard will do if I’m really in a pinch. I’m serious! Just let me know that these glowing, dewy-skinned beacons of humanity have had a great day grabbing lunch at Nobu and maybe stopping by a Wholefoods on the way to the gym. How’s Dakota Johnson doing? Well, I hope! When I know that these more highly evolved beings are doing fine, it gives me a content feeling inside and makes the ceaseless suffering of my disgusting existance seem worthwhile. They help me just get through the days. Shoutout Gavin and Gwen, cos lil’ Kingston Rossdale and his bleached crop of hair saved my life! I wonder how he feels about Blake Shelton?! What a fascinating kid!

The best thing for me about 2015 has been that we don’t even really care who the famous parents are anymore. Literally any former C-lister’s spawn will do. Sure, we’re still obsessing over Willow and Jaden Smith, who are the offspring of two bona fide A-listers (even if one of them mostly just works in TV, blech!). But now we also get to worship Bella and Gigi fucking Hadid! These ladies are my girls! Well, technically not, ‘cos they’re actually Yolanda Foster’s girls, but I like to feel that Yolanda can rely on my protective gaze to stay trained on these lovely young ladies whilst she’s off doing whatever ex-models do. Imagine being the daughter of a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. It’s almost too much to fathom. The first time the world got some good quality, clear pap pics of Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid hanging out, I literally had to stop for a hot minute ‘cos I couldn’t even breathe.

OMG, remember The Simple Life? That show was the best! When Paris and Nicole pretended to date those small-town hicks I totally lost it! Just imagine?! Gross! Ahahaahahaaaaa!

Ooops, I’ve wandered from the point! Soz. The roundabout point is definitely that given the proven track record of celebrities to produce super hot, super chill kids with sass and panache, what the hell are we doing allowing these deified beings to mate outside of their own superior gene pool? I reckon once a hot young celeb has had their fill of the limelight we retire them to safari parks, where they roam the landscape procreating with one another as us normals gawp on from our jeeps (which are locked to protect the celebrities from us, rather than us from them). That way we get to feel bad about the boring, repellent sex we’re confined to in our mortal lot, whilst ensuring that our glistening, long-limbed overlords are safely entrenched as constant reminders of our inadequacy.

I’d also like to add the caveat that none of this applies to Angelina Jolie, who I’m not convinced is not just a nipped and tucked Jon Voight, star of Holes. Anyway, her kids just seem a bit boring really. Sure, they’ll be hot and live a charmed life, but they’ll also have seen things, you know? In my opinion, she should’ve banned them from going on any of her humanitarian missions. Why sully perfection and light with such darkness, Angie? Let celebrity babies SoulCycle in peace goddammit!

And you, Brad – you’re just gonna stand by and let her rob your kids of their God-given sense of entitlement? Jeez

Between Paris and Oxford: climate change in 2015

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With talks ongoing at the COP 21 in Paris this week, now seems like a good time to talk about one of the most pressing issues of our generation: climate change.

Indeed discussion of this issue has not been confined to Paris; November saw the annual Oxford Climate Forum – a student-run conference that invites leading thinkers, campaigners, journalists and academics to discuss climate change and its effects. The theme of the forum this year was ‘climate connections’, with a focus on why everyone should be thinking about this issue, not just activists. A range of people spoke throughout the weekend, from lawyers working for ClientEarth to veteran Friends of the Earth campaigner Tony Juniper, to venerated diplomat and academic Sir Crispin Tickell. This conference brought together this disparate set of people behind a common banner of concern over our warming climate.

What was striking about this event was the sheer diversity of views on offer from the speakers. Considering that all the speakers had the same goals in mind, namely decreasing emissions and limiting the warming of our climate, there was a surprising lack of consensus. This debate isn’t over whether or not humans are causing climate change. For all serious scientists and observers, that question was settled long ago. Instead the discussion continues over what the best agenda for action is.

Kirsty Gogan, founder of Energy for Humanity, maintained that nuclear energy is vital for efforts to decarbonise our global economy and that we can’t rely on theoretical improvements in renewable technology to meet the growing demand for energy. In contrast, Tony Juniper, when asked about the nuclear industry, dismissed it as “irrelevant” without hesitation. He professed that it is too expensive and too slow to develop for it to be of any use. However, despite these differences of opinion, there are things that everyone agrees we could be doing now to try and meet the, possibly unsafe, target of 2°C warming. These include developing renewable energy generation capacity as quickly as possible and stopping the policy flip-flops that prevent progress in this sector. As Nina Klein, the coordinator of this year’s forum, commented, “I think focusing on the issues which are debated has allowed politicians and businesses to stall year-on-year. Now we are in a position where it is going to be a much more significant challenge to implement these changes soon enough and feel their positive effects.”

There also appears to be a polarisation of opinion regarding the rhetoric surrounding climate change. George Marshall, a co-founder of the charity Climate Outreach, insisted that much of the current dialogue surrounding climate change is unhelpful and actually drives people away from being interested or caring. Climate change rhetoric grew out of the environmentalist movement, but this wasn’t inevitable. It could have grown out of academia, economics or a range of other areas. Environmentalism is fundamentally tied to left wing views and opinions and the fact that climate change is so embedded within this movement has meant that conservatives have almost automatically been alienated. Without engaging conservatives, the movement has a much tougher job of forcing significant action in the UK and around the world.

The same goes for corporations and big business, especially the fossil fuel industry. Confrontational slogans which cast these organisations as the enemy only serves to push them further away. As the Forum committee put it, “we have to make the climate change story personal to different people based on their values so it engages them”.

George Marshall’s opinion showed a deep divergence with the viewpoint that Bill Mckibben revealed during his recorded video. He asserted that we need to ‘break’ the power of the fossil fuel industry and on more than one occasion thanked the audience that we were on his side in the ‘fight’ to save the planet.

For a movement that professes to be safeguarding the future of the planet and humanity itself, are these differences in opinion detrimental to the communication of their message? Just as divided political parties will struggle to get elected, surely divided activist movements will experience the same problems. It becomes very easy for governments and lobbies unsympathetic to the cause to cast those campaigning to make changes on emissions and climate change as confused and at odds with each other. It then becomes much easier to justify inaction.

The other major theme of the conference was the COP21 Paris Climate Conference that is taking place this week. The Conference’s attitude towards the talks was one of cautious optimism. Many were stung by the unmitigated failure of the international community to reach any kind of agreement during the last COP talks in Copenhagen in 2010. The disillusionment that followed has still not quite gone away among this community so it seems like they will not let themselves hope for a significant agreement lest they are disappointed again.

As the committee commented, “we believe the forum has helped raise a greater awareness of the effects of climate change, that it goes far beyond polar bears or a distant future and it is affecting real people all around the world today. We hope that holding the forum means that when the students go on to be the next generation of leaders we will one day have world leaders who consider climate change and give it the appropriate significance in their decisions and plans for the future.”

With talks ongoing at the COP 21 in Paris this week, now seems like a good time to talk about one of the most pressing issues of our generation: climate change.

Indeed discussion of this issue has not been confined to Paris; November saw the annual Oxford Climate Forum – a student-run conference that invites leading thinkers, campaigners, journalists and academics to discuss climate change and its effects. The theme of the forum this year was ‘climate connections’, with a focus on why everyone should be thinking about this issue, not just activists. A range of people spoke throughout the weekend, from lawyers working for ClientEarth to veteran Friends of the Earth campaigner Tony Juniper, to venerated diplomat and academic Sir Crispin Tickell. This conference brought together this disparate set of people behind a common banner of concern over our warming climate.

What was striking about this event was the sheer diversity of views on offer from the speakers. Considering that all the speakers had the same goals in mind, namely decreasing emissions and limiting the warming of our climate, there was a surprising lack of consensus . This debate isn’t over whether or not humans are causing climate change. For all serious scientists and observers, that question was settled long ago. Instead the discussion continues over what the best agenda for action is.

Kirsty Gogan, founder of Energy for Humanity, maintained that nuclear energy is vital for efforts to decarbonise our global economy and that we can’t rely on theoretical improvements in renewable technology to meet the growing demand for energy. In contrast, Tony Juniper, when asked about the nuclear industry, dismissed it as ‘irrelevant’ without hesitation. He professed that it is too expensive and too slow to develop for it to be of any use. However, despite these differences of opinion, there are things that everyone agrees we could be doing now to try and meet the, possibly unsafe, target of 2°C warming. These include developing renewable energy generation capacity as quickly as possible and stopping the policy flip-flops that prevent progress in this sector. As Nina Klein, the coordinator of this year’s forum, commented, “I think focusing on the issues which are debated has allowed politicians and businesses to stall year-on-year. Now we arein a position where it is going to be a much more significant challengeto implement these changes soon enough and feel their positive effects.

There also appears to be a polarisation of opinion regarding the rhetoric surrounding climate change. George Marshall, a co-founder of the charity Climate Outreach, insisted that much of the current dialogue surrounding climate change is unhelpful and actually drives people away from being interested or caring. Climate change rhetoric grew out of the environmentalist movement, but this wasn’t inevitable. It could have grown out of academia, economics or a range of other areas. Environmentalism is fundamentally tied to left wing views and opinions and the fact that climate change is so embedded within this movement has meant that conservatives have almost automatically been alienated. Without engaging conservatives, the movement has a much tougher job of forcing significant action in the UK and around the world.

The same goes for corporations and big business, especially the fossil fuel industry. Confrontational slogans which cast these organisations as the enemy only serves to push them further away. As the Forum committee put it, “we have to make the climate change story personal to different people based on their values so it engages them”.

George Marshall’s opinion showed a deep divergence with the viewpoint that Bill Mckibben revealed during his recorded video. He asserted that we need to ‘break’ the power of the fossil fuel industry and on more than one occasion thanked the audience that we were on his side in the ‘fight’ to save the planet.

For a movement that professes to be safeguarding the future of the planet and humanity itself, are these differences in opinion detrimental to the communication of their message? Just as divided political parties will struggle to get elected, surely divided activist movements will experience the same problems. It becomes very easy for governments and lobbies unsympathetic to the cause to cast those campaigning to make changes on emissions and climate change as confused and at odds with each other. It then becomes much easier to justify inaction.

The other major theme of the conference was the COP21 Paris Climate Conference that is taking place this week. The Conference’s attitude towards the talks was one of cautious optimism. Many were stung by the unmitigated failure of the international community to reach any kind of agreement during the last COP talks in Copenhagen in 2010. The disillusionment that followed has still not quite gone away among this community so it seems like they will not let themselves hope for a significant agreement lest they are disappointed again.

As the committee commented, “we believe the forum has helped raise a greater awareness of the effects of climate change, that it goes far beyond polar bears or a distant future and it is affecting real people all around the world today. We hope that holding the forum means that when the students go on to be the next generation of leaders we will one day have world leaders who consider climate change and give it the appropriate significance in their decisions and plans for the future.”

Preview: Proximity

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I have to start by admitting I know nothing about contemporary or classical dance. I was however fortunate to be invited to the run through of this very different offering at the BT. It is not often we see shows dedicated solely to showcasing dance. In part I guess this is due to a scarcity of dancers in Oxford, but also because of a scarcity of audience. Being myself part of the philistine mass, I was apprehensive about the prospect of finding words or indeed even thoughts to apply to what I was to see.

The question of relating to an audience is one which is central to choreographer Emily Everest-Phillips’s approach. Indeed when I confessed my ignorance, I was even reassured, that this was precisely what they wanted from a previewer. Fortunately I was also given an impromptu dance lesson – the insights from which I hope will make this preview a little better than an exercise in the blind leading the blind.

The first thing I learnt is that dancing is really very difficult. I was instructed in the execution of a sort of pectoral thrust while pulling one’s open palmed hands backwards. The result was akin to Disco Stu’s pelvic solicitations. But I gleaned something of the nature of the sort of expression dance affords. The choreographer gives you a movement, and then you mirror this movement while imbuing it with an expressive embellishment of your own. Thus what in Maddy Walker’s capable performance became an enigmatic and ethereal whisper was in my rendition a sort of mathematically constructed pick-up line.

The sense that the interplay of gestures is equivalent to constructing a phrase was confirmed when I was told the audition process was designed to initiate a conversation. The dancers were given some moves and then asked to dance with each other in the hope of a dialogue emerging. This sense of conversation was I think most clearly seen in how the dancers used space and time in relation to each other. In the opening dance, the pair engaged in a persistent game of moving behind and in front of each other in small and subtle ways. They sort of mirrored each other but along both the x and y axes. This created an almost contrapuntal relation between each other in space. The connectedness but also fragility of the relation between the two was thus very eloquently expressed in this shifting and mirroring of positions. 

Mirroring was not the only type of relation expressed however. In another piece, one of the two dancers started on the floor and moved slowly while the other moved frantically on her feet. By the end the one who started on the floor was dancing and the one who started by dancing was lying on the floor in the same spot as her counterpart. Asymmetry seems to be just as an important a relation. But what I think both this symmetry and asymmetry have in common is a very architectonic concern for balance and harmony. From what I saw, this architecture was concerned with constructing a sense of oneness. This oneness came about by either conclusively separating or uniting the pairs. In this regard, I was reminded of intertwining musical strands searching for a definitive synthesis in a fugue. I think the im/possibility of unity (such as in a fugue) is what happens in the space between two bodies in close proximity to each other. It is this which I think the production is trying to get at. 

This reading however forgets the other side of the story. The dances were not a formalistic staging of spatial relations; this was after all a conversation. The dancers were smiling a lot; they were enjoying it in a way that suggested more than just the delights of Cartesian geometry. The best expression of this I think always came about 75% of the way through the routines. It’s the point at which the dancers, having already impressed with their ability, somehow kept on going. This excess of energy is very compelling for you wonder: how and why can they keep going? This I suppose is the content that corresponds to the form, the drive and the energy that informs the expression of their carefully choreographed movements.

In the attempted synthesis of form and content, some moments really take your breath away. I’m still not precisely sure what is being said. It is  however being said in a way that suggests so much, tenderness, fragility, violence and poetry. It is indeed very compelling and strangely moving. All in all, I very much look forward to seeing if as Hegel said of love, the production can ‘propound and resolve the contradiction’. If the dances will ultimately manage to move from the proximity they seem describe to the unity they seem to be toying with. 

Or the above is a load of nonsense. In any case it’s certainly very enjoyable to watch and I highly reccomend you go and watch. 

The problem with cultural appropriation

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People throw around the term ‘cultural appropriation’ a lot, and discourse about it has reared its bindi-wearing head in Oxford again recently. Lincoln publicised its ‘New Orleans’ themed ball last week, after earlier this year LMH themed a bop ‘Arabian Nights’. Pembroke put on an ‘Indian Summers’ ball last Trinity and Queens have announced their ‘A Night on the Orient Express’ ball theme. There has been criticism, much of which has been quite sympathetically heard by planning committees (even if little real action was taken in consequence), and a vast amount of confusion and angry debate over exactly what the problem is.

Let me make it clear: cultural appropriation, at its most basic level, is the use of elements created by one culture by members of another. The problem is that in some cases – especially when there’s an imbalance of power or strength between those cultures – there can be negative consequences, and it’s this that the term generally refers to nowadays.

The point I’m getting to is simple. Interaction and exchange between cultures is a beautiful, exciting, important thing. There are reliefs of the Buddha being guarded by Hercules from ancient Afghanistan; the remembrance poppy hijab is a thing and a great one, or how about ‘Bride and Prejudice’, the London-made Bollywood take on Jane Austen?

Breaking down perceived barriers between cultures is clearly a wonderful thing. More importantly, though, it could not be more necessary in today’s political climate: division is a weapon of war in the hands of only the most deluded and hate-loving groups, and benefits no one except them. Cultural division and closed-mindedness is also, unsurprisingly, one of the greatest generators of the pitiable individuals who join these blinded groups.

The problem is that interactions between cultures are not always positive and healthy; when there is an imbalance of power between societies, and when it’s assumed that one culture is somehow superior to another, they can easily cause great harm. Not all interactions between cultures generate understanding, and cultural appropriation is the opposite of friendly, respectful, curious cultural exchange. However, as the exceptionally respectful, open-minded and humble white guy who started yelling at me on the Race Matters Facebook page a few weeks ago made all too clear, coverage of this issue can have a lack of focus on exactly how cultural appropriation is destructive, how it actually causes harm.

You can break it down into two parts: repeated personal hurt, and the perpetuation or reinforcement of often invisible, awful ways of seeing the world and other humans.

The question of personal harm is easier to explain. People of colour in Europe are forced to abandon elements of their culture or cultural heritage, to assimilate, simply to survive – they can’t risk the employability bias against them being made even worse, for example, or may even be afraid of direct physical violence: ‘Go back where you came from’ attacks have not disappeared. In a climate of increasing Islamophobic attacks against Middle Eastern and South Asian people of all religions, the situation is darkening for many. Immigrant communities shame those who haven’t assimilated enough yet: the worst insult I could offer my Dad when he buys a new pair of shoes is that they make him look like a ‘freshie’ (fresh off the boat, that is).

When white people – meaning no harm – wear bindis, saris, decorate themselves with Hindu symbols, the message we hear is clear: ‘We can wear these things and enjoy them, be praised for them.’ How is that supposed to feel, when we have been forced by prejudice to abandon these things? To feel ashamed of them, and hate ourselves by proxy? Yet you can toss them on and toss them aside whenever you wish, free only because of your skin colour.

People of colour suffer a barrage of trauma, from physical violence to micro-aggressions like these. Cultural appropriation, however well-intended, however un-thought-through, can be yet another blow on vulnerable minds. I understand that no harm is meant, but this is hurting us. We are not just ‘offended’.

Cultural appropriation as a source of micro-aggressions is not all, however. It is ugly to think and difficult to accept, but it’s true: contemporary Western culture normalises whiteness and assumes European superiority. I desperately wish that wasn’t true, but the proof is everywhere. Black, Asian and minority ethnic people are wildly overrepresented in British prisons, low-income groups and practically every other marginalised group. They are equally under-represented in university and school syllabuses, high-status jobs and the media that saturates our culture.

One of the patterns of thought that sustains this is strongly linked to cultural appropriation. Non-white, non-European cultures are seen through an orientalising lens: we see them partly as a compressed, reduced stereotype of what they really are, and part of our perception of them is that they are Other, different, not normal. By homogenising and reducing the thousand cultures of a region with a population greater than Europe, comparable cultural heritage and arguably more cultural diversity to a party theme or costume, for example, we are reinforcing these outdated narratives.

What’s the problem with that, then? The charming young man from Facebook phrased it rather more strongly, but it’s an important question. Keeping stereotypes alive, continuing to see foreign cultures as exotic and mostly sources of exciting aesthetics, strengthens two things. First is the dehumanisation of people of colour – stereotypes encourage us to see people as caricatures, as essences, not as actual individuals or humans. When and if a group is already marginalised, that is toxic.

Second is the subtle perception – underlying too much Western thought even today – that non-European cultures are not as culturally rich, diverse, important as European cultures; in short, that non-white cultures – and inseparably from that, non-white people – are somehow inferior. If you cannot see how dangerous, oppressive and violent this idea is, then you have completely lost the plot, and I am afraid.

Reconsidering Israel

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“We welcome every drop of blood spilled in Jerusalem,” President Mahmoud Abbas, the leader of the Palestinian National Authority, said on September 16th. “This is pure blood, clean blood, blood on its way to Allah.”

The attacks might not have come immediately after Abbas’s words, but come they did. Since the beginning of October, Palestinians have initiated over 65 stabbings, mostly in East Jerusalem, eight shootings and eight car rammings. Over a dozen Israelis have been killed, and more than 150 wounded. The shooting dead of two Palestinians by Israeli forces, after one of them allegedly stabbed a policeman, on November 30th reflects a much broader problem.

Maybe you’ve seen some of the videos: a man mowing down civilians, then hopping out of his car to continue chopping at one with an axe; two teenagers boarding a quiet bus and stabbing an 80 year-old woman in the neck; an encouragement released by Palestinian authorities that depicts a man heroically chasing down and killing two caricatured Jews.

But probably not. Instead the media response has been subdued, and reporters have taken measures to present an equivalency between attackers and victims. Headlines especially, do not paint a representative picture. CAMERA, an organisation that focuses on pointing out biases in Middle East reporting, points to examples: CNN’s “Palestinians shot boarding kid’s bus”; BBC’s “Palestinian shot dead after Jerusalem attack kills two”; the Wall Street Journal’s “Two Palestinian Teenagers Killed, Two Injured by Israeli Police.”

In none of these does the reader get a clear picture of what actually occurred: that armed Palestinians tried to board a bus and kill its passengers; that a man was shot after he killed two Israelis; that the teenagers, one of whom had just stabbed a 13 year-old on a bike, were killed because they were attempting themselves to kill policemen and passersby in the street.

All this serves to epitomise what is a greater bias in the media and the international community—one that castigates Israel and often glosses over or downplays Palestinian wrongs. A poorly conceived comment by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that called the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem the instigator of the Holocaust rather than just an instigator was lambasted across the globe. The fact that the Palestinian Authority, under its law of the prisoner, pays the salary of Palestinians who have committed violent acts against Israelis flies mostly under the radar outside of in Israeli journalism.

It would be folly, of course, to attribute this imbalance to anti-Semitism. Anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism are often assumed to be closely linked, and while it is probably true that at least some Western commentators opposed to Israel are also anti-Semitic, the large majority certainly are not. Israel is, undeniably, a flawed state and rightfully warrants censure at times.

Actions such as their expansion of the West Bank settlements and racist statements by government figures like the former Foreign Affairs Minster Avigdor Lieberman deserve all the ire they have provoked. They are indicative of a right-wing government under Netanyahu, a highly abrasive figure himself, which has worked less hard than many of its predecessors to protect the rights of Palestinians and Israeli Arabs.

But we also need to understand the circumstances that have brought Likud and the Jewish Home, among more conservative parties, into power. They are circumstances that should be eminently understandable to us in the wake of the horrific attacks in Paris: those of being unsafe in one’s own home, under siege, with the threat of death poisoning the air. And for Israel, such a position is augmented all the more by an existential threat—one that has existed since its conception. A slip-up, and the Israeli state has the potential to be no more.

Look, too, at how France has responded to one terrorist attack: with the declaration of a state of emergency, a bombing campaign, and a surge in Islamophobic sentiment, towards both French natives and Syrian refugees. The doctrine of state security has superseded all others; one would not be amiss in surmising that any action that President Francois Hollande could take to secure French safety would be welcomed by most of the electorate.

It is this mood that has driven Israel to the feelings of isolation and anger that pervade the public space. This mood, but magnified by what is perceived as discriminatory international opprobrium—between 2006 and 2015, the United Nations Human Rights Council published 62 condemnations of Israel, more than on the rest of the world combined—and by repeatedly spurned attempts at peace—like in the 2000 Camp David talks, where Ehud Barak offered Yasser Arafat an almost complete reversion to the 1967 borders just to have Arafat walk away from the table without a counteroffer.

Israel must hold itself to a higher moral standard than its enemies, and so ought the rest of the world—it does have advantages that put it in the driving seat, relative to the Palestinian Authority, and as a country with the same values as most Western democracies, it cannot forget its calling to be liberal and fair to all.

But nor can we forget that Israel has taken long and hard measures time and again to be as perfect a democracy as it possibly can, given the constraints upon it; even now, it provides hospital care to Palestinian assailants. And before we jump to criticise, we must keep in mind how the United States, or the United Kingdom or France would respond to a constant security threat—and question if we really think that Israel has done any differently than the best among us would have done.

"NHS crisis? What NHS crisis?"

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“There will be no NHS crisis this winter.”

The Business Secretary, Sajid Javid, made this bold claim recently on Question Time. It was met with unconvinced jeers from the audience, and how can you blame them? We are regularly told about deficits, cuts, increased waiting lists, targets not being met… the list is almost endless. We hardly ever hear anything good about the NHS. The idea that there won’t be an NHS crisis this winter doesn’t seem plausible.

Why does the NHS seem to be in a constant state of paralysis? The biggest reason is that it is underfunded. The government denies all charges; their critics protest otherwise. The government uses one set of statistics justifying their record; their critics use others condemning it. Consequently, we’re all left confused and unsure who to blame.

We can get a better idea, however, if we closely compare the government’s claims with the reality. Let’s take a few of their statements in turn.

“I can today confirm the NHS will receive – in addition to the £2bn we’ve already provided this year – a further £8bn. That’s £10bn more a year in real terms by 2020” (George Osborne, 08/07/2015)

This is correct. The Stevens’ Plan called for at least £8bn of real-terms spending into the NHS every year, and this is what the government are doing. They also just agreed to frontload £3.8bn of the money, which will help alleviate the pressure this winter. So does this mean problem solved? Not exactly. Despite increased spending, new figures reveal that the NHS’s overall deficit has increased to £1.6bn, and is predicted to rise to £2.2bn by the end of the financial year. Of the total 239 NHS England trusts, 156 of them are in the red. This is the biggest deficit in the NHS’s history. While the government are telling us they are increasing spending into the NHS, the reality is that the NHS deficit is getting bigger.

“Every penny we do not save on welfare means savings we have to find in the education budget, the policing or the health budget” (David Cameron, 28/10/2015)

This is also correct – but it’s sneaky. It is true that the government are not making any direct cuts into the NHS, but this statement gives off the impression that there will be no cuts in the NHS whatsoever during the course of this parliament. The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. The government are calling for the NHS to make £22bn of ‘efficiency savings’ by 2020 – just another way of saying “we’re not going to cut it, but we want you to”. A significant proportion of the NHS’s deficit is due to the cost of contracts with the private sector. Last year, for example, NHS trusts paid private agency firms £1.8bn because they didn’t have enough of their own staff – around double what they planned to pay. Considering they paid £900m more than they wanted to, and the deficit is £1.6bn, this is a significant factor. Deficits mean cuts, and cuts will hurt patients – even David Cameron is now complaining about the impact of cuts in his own constituency.

“We got rid of 20,000 bureaucrats in the NHS and put that money into 9,000 more doctors and 7,000 more nurses” (David Cameron, 02/04/2015)

We hear this line every week from David Cameron at PMQs. Yet NHS Workforce Statistics provide a slightly different picture: since 2010 there have only been 7,293 more doctors and 6,434 more nurses. Not exactly a rounding error. Also, proportionally, the number of doctors has increased by 16%, while the number of nurses has only increased by 2%. Is a 2% increase in nurses enough over 5 years? Since the NHS is increasingly relying on private agency firms for nurses, it doesn’t look like it. And since the employment of private agency staff seems to be having a negative effect on NHS finances, the lack of NHS nurses is an important part of the bigger problem. If the junior doctor debacle continues any longer, we might also have a lack of NHS doctors.

Of course, the problems facing the NHS are not all down to government policy. Britain has an ageing population: the number of over-65s is expected to increase by 12% by 2020. Increasing levels of child obesity and the rising consumption of alcohol and cigarettes are creating new problems. In addition, whereas in the past the NHS just had to cure ailments, it is now expected to provide additional services relating to mental health, social care, maternity, contraception, and much more. The crisis cuts far deeper than just government policy, and it would be naive to think otherwise.

But we should not ignore the role of government policy, because the rhetoric is not matching their actions. When the government tell us they’re increasing spending and increasing the number of doctors and nurses, they’re not really addressing the question. And when they tell us they’re protecting the NHS from cuts, they’re not really telling the truth. The “strong economy, strong NHS” sound-bite is meaningless. The NHS will not just be in a crisis this winter – it is in a crisis right now. 

Milestones: Leonardo DiCaprio’s head

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I get heart palpitations when I look at DiCaprio’s Wikipedia page. When I realised he has an entire separate one for his glistening filmography, my mum had to resuscitate me (the doctors said I was technically dead for seven minutes). No other actor can boast a trajectory like Leonardo’s: Critters 3, The Quick and the Dead, J. Edgar, and The Glorification of Cocaine and Investment Banking: I Know He’s a Bad Person but Am I Still Allowed to Empathise with Him? – he’s has a perfect record, always moving from strength to strength, and hasn’t had a single duff movie in his career. He is, I don’t hesitate to say, an actor so good that he has become a cinematic aff ront to the supremacy of God.

What’s that I hear his detractors (both of you) say? “Oh, Mr Culture Editor, but he’s never won an Oscar!” you shriek with captious, selfsatisfied smugness, like a child who’s just become aware of his own genitalia and wants to show off about it. Well, here’s some news for you from the inside of the world of culture (where I live): the reason they haven’t given Leonardo an Oscar yet is because they’re going to rebrand the Oscars as ‘The Leonardos’ after he dies. Now shut up and cry at the ending of Titanic like the rest of us.

So just what is the secret to Leonardo’s success? How can someone be so admired, so consistently plied with awards, so universally adored, that the words “Do you like Leonardo DiCaprio?” have become an idiom synonymous with “Is the Pope a Catholic”? How can any one person have become so mega-famous they have had to devise a series of elaborate disguises to avoid the paps, including wearing ridiculous masks, hiding his entire upper body in umbrellas and covering his face with tissues (Google ‘Leonardo DiCaprio hiding from the paps’ and thank me later).

Now, in a Cherwell exclusive, I wish to share with you a theory I have developed over the last few years working in close collaboration with the Film Studies department at Columbia University, as well as the Phrenology Department here in Oxford (surprisingly the only one remaining in the world), about the truth behind Leonardo’s juggernaut-like career.

Much like Samson’s hair, Leonard’s power lies entirely in his head – and not just in the sense that if you cut it off he will die. Through a careful comparison of the size of Leonardo’s head across his entire movie career, we can see a defi nite trend: Leo’s head has grown constantly as his career has developed, always in direct proportion to his acting ability. Soon, our researchers predict, his head will in fact become wider than his shoulders – it is at this point, the research indicates, that Leonardo will deliver an acting performance so powerful that merely watching the opening sequence could prove fatal, as anyone who watches it will shed so many tears of both joy and sadness their body will become dehydrated and hyponatremic, and they will shrivel up into a raisin-like shell of a person.

The more apocalyptically-inclined proponents of this theory have on occasion expressed their concerns that Leonardo’s head will one day become so large it may in fact cause a global disaster, as if the moon or another planet-sized extraterrestrial body were to collide with the earth. But even should this happen, there is always a silver lining: one man’s apocalypse is another man’s hope for a long overdue von Trier-DiCaprio collaboration. So there you have it: Leonardo’s continued success can be assured so long as his body continues to deposit fatty residues on the sides of his skull. Much like Gatsby, we live in hope.

Ditch the diet this January

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The period of December to January takes up only a little time, but marks a huge shift in mentality. December is the month for embracing gluttony, and we are encouraged to eat and drink to our hearts content. And then a little more. The point is to be not satisfied, but overstuffed.

Yuletide cheer and gorging fall away sharply on the first of January. People wake up, shake off their hangovers and grab the pair of running shoes they haven’t seen since this time last year. January is the month where diet culture takes over more than any other. New Year’s resolutions have homogenised lately, with a huge proportion of people holding the same goal: lose pounds, lose inches, lose lose lose.

Glossy magazines and advertisements telling you how perfect life will be at the end of your weight loss, are enticing. They promise, in a word, happiness. And that’s what we all want, right? But a certain number on a scale or the size of a dress doesn’t magically transmute into contentment. Magazines show dieters (usually celebrities; people who the rest of us admire) as ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures, but it is difficult to reach a point where a person is ‘finished’ with weight loss. The rush of a fad diet can, for a small proportion of people, spiral out of control.

That is a genuinely life-threatening scenario. But the effects of fad dieting on the majority of people are also incredibly dangerous, and for the most part ineffective. Sure, you’ll drop a few pounds. You might drop a dozen. But the majority of it will be from water, which is lost as you eat less and become dehydrated. You’ll be tired and malnourished. But of course, you’ll be smaller and therefore ‘happier’?

Not quite. The majority of fad dieters regain any weight they’ve lost, and even a bit more, after the diet ends. Severe restriction isn’t sustainable. It will just make January colder and more miserable as you try to cope with the freezing temperatures without adequate fuel.

New Year’s resolutions can be wonderful. They can cause you to make a real change to your life, or to others. Don’t do what everyone else does. Use them to develop a passion or save the world, rather than try to make yourself less.

 

A view from the Cheap Seat

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Regular readers will know that this column is the space in Cherwell where one can find some of the dodgiest and (we like to think) most inventive satire in the paper. Our strategy is simple – we fabricate some sort of document whose patent absurdity, while fictional, is symptomatic of some element of stage life deserving humor.

It’s an easy and some might even say cowardly form of writing, for it risks no loss of its own and yet induces loss on another. In spite of how facile our position as satirists is, we do not have have any vitriol or ill intention towards our subjects.

But in the midst of cheap laughs, one thing we often neglect is the extraordinary effort and dedication that happens behind the curtain in the stage world. This Michaelmas has been an extraordinary term as regards the ambition and sheer bravery of many productions. The stress and pressure many endure from investing months of personal and creative energy into a project that represents an ideal worth fighting for, is truly admirable. This is to say nothing of the financial risks that this artistic bravery entails. As reviewers we have some small input in making people come and see shows. We have at points failed to bring out reviews on time and to attend every preview we have kindly been offered. For this we apologise and sincerely hope that whatever financial and or intellectual significance we possess has allowed everybody’s future endeavours to happen. 

We do not conflate the aesthetic with our sense of ethic. But we hope our reviews have done at least some justice to the work that goes on behind the curtain. Neither do we believe our endorsement represents a vindication or culmination of these extraordinary efforts, but we hope we can at least indicate to our readership what amazing things happen in Oxford. Tellingly, it’s perhaps what happens under our noses everyday that is also one of the most incredible things one can see on any day. Here’s to Hilary 2016.

Don’t forget your Valuables

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Do you remember the end of that summer before you came to university? You leave school behind and with it all the people and friendships you have forged since you don’t know when. Yet you were looking forward to a new chapter and – dare I suggest – you might have even felt like setting off on a journey to find yourself. And amidst all those high thoughts and expectations lies the naked truth that things will change. 

In Valuables, Ben Ray picks up on exactly this. Wales, today: four more-or-less close friends are on the verge of what comes after school. And he cuts right to it: what are the valuables? Is it, as Daniel would have it, the beauty and eternity of poetry, for which it is worth getting entangled with research into a supposedly Shakespearean folio he finds in an Oxfam bookstore? Is it, as the insecure but good-hearted Nye discovers, religion? Or is it, as the worse than lay-about Richard has to learn, drugs and all that comes with them? As so often in life, the boys are all wrong, and so it is a girl who supplies the fourth wheel to this wagon of self-doubt. Emma, as she is called, keeps the threads of their friendships somehow together.

It is she who sets the pace of action in this play and so she deserves special attention. Her character is always on the verge of the stubborn nine-year-old while at the same time portraying a forceful realism that pays tribute to the immense advantage of maturity that – let’s face it, boys – girls often still have even at our age. In dialogues of often cunning comedy, she keeps Daniel in check when it comes to his obsession with poetry and it is she who always rebuilds the bridge between the boys when they are about to lose each other. 

Yet it was more in the individual scenes rather than in its whole that the play was able to shine the most. Special commendation must go to the brilliant rendering of literary, theological, substantive (yes, as in drugs), and veterinary interests in an enticing quartet that showed how these seemingly contrary struggles with finding oneself all come down to the same risk and pleasure of losing oneself in something you really care for. 

The core cast, Leo Danczak as Daniel, Cara Pacitti as Emma, Haniel Whitmore as Nye and Turlough O’Hagan as Rich, must be applauded on a harmonious performance. Particular praise goes to Turlough O’Hagan for walking the fine line between tragedy and comedy on which the character of Richard forced him. Cara Pacitti displayed with passion her very coherent and convincing take on the crucial character of Emma, notwithstanding the occasional slip.

But just as much as individual scenes stand out, credit for which should be given to the direction of Mischa Cornelia Andreski, the evening as a whole couldn’t always live up to them. We witness a real spark of genius in a scene that has Daniel and Emma almost find their love for each other, when Daniel’s real ‘valuable’ – Shakespeare – tragically prevents this. But the enormous dynamic of this scene blows out, not least because of a lacking build up. Similarly, we seem to merely scratch at the surface of theology with Nye and Richard, whose relationship verges on the homoerotic and complicates the play with no particular purpose.

Valuables is not the least afraid to literalise – in a book, a crucifix, a chippie in south Wales – questions that are not easily grasped even in theory. What are we to make of the places we leave behind and what is valuable enough for us to move on with? As we should expect from a good play, we are never given a clear answer to this question. Instead the play ends on the restoration of the tranquilla ultima. It would be foolish to disclose the nature of this, however, because every one of us has their own experience of this ‘calm at last’, the point where we