Wednesday 13th August 2025
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Interview: Robert Douglas-Fairhurst

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Reading the initial chapters of Robert Douglas-Fairhurst’s Story of Alice, one may rightly shudder at the quaint, mawkish-sweet encasement of the former Alice Liddell. An apparent ‘inspiration’ for Lewis Carroll’s celebrated protagonist, Douglas-Fairhurst presents the ageless ‘Dream-Child’ as a person of particular tragedy. “Crumpled and confused” by persistent associations with Wonderland, this genuine Alice emerges as a prisoner – a figure fettered to a fictional fame. Her literary correlate, resisting the assertion that she is “a sort of thing” in The Red King’s dream, touches on a similar anxiety. A probable cipher for authorial agency, this slumbering monarch addresses the dread of imagined existence, exploring the fear of a lost control. Concerned with the invasion of reality by fiction, I shared some of these impressions with Douglas-Fairhurst himself.

“Another reason for her looking ‘crumpled and confused’ may simply have been that she was fairly old (she celebrated her 80th birthday in New York)” he replies “but it’s certainly true that in her later years she was a reluctant celebrity. It’s not hard to understand why. Although she’d experienced much since the famous river trip in 1862, including the loss of two of her three sons in the muddy trenches of WWI, all anyone wanted to ask her about was an event that had happened when she was ten years old. So although she sometimes shyly signed herself ‘Alice in Wonderland’, she might have had mixed feelings about a fictional creation that in some ways had overshadowed her real life. In some ways she was doomed to fame.”

On the weight of this reputation, he continues: “If you’re asking whether someone might regret creating – or being turned into – a different version of themselves, made out of paper and ink rather than flesh and blood, then I think the answer is probably yes. Carroll sometimes returned letters addressed to ‘Lewis Carroll’ with ‘NOT KNOWN’ written across the envelope, and told one correspondent that ‘My constant aim is to remain personally unknown to the world’. It’s as if he wanted to keep his literary avatar safely hidden away from the mess and fuss of the real world. That’s one of the reasons I had doubts about whether or not I should subject him to another biography, as it would undoubtedly have made him squirm with embarrassment and annoyance”.

Biographies of Carroll can certainly prove contentious. He has appeared as a daydreaming mathematician, Victorian Humbert Humbert and even Jack the Ripper. One of these guises remains something of an ‘elephant’, haunting perceptions of the writer to the present day. With Wonderland’s 150th anniversary occurring this year, BBC Two’s The Secret World of Lewis Carroll (dir; Clare Beavan) was broadcast in late January. Earlier this month, Edward Wakeling’s acidic reservations about the documentary became the subject of a Times article by David Sanderson. Sanderson writes: “The BBC spiced up a documentary on Lewis Carroll and ‘lied’ by including a nude photograph he had purportedly taken of a young girl, it was claimed yesterday by an expert on the author”. As the programme’s historical consultant, it was inevitable that Douglas-Fairhurst would have some opinion on the matter.

“I know that a number of people were annoyed by the decision to include the photograph, as there’s no definite proof that it shows Lorina Liddell or that it was taken by Carroll. But (and admittedly I was the programme’s historical consultant), it’s interesting that someone had already attributed it to him. And that probably says more about us as it does about him – it shows how far he has become a lightning conductor for all our fears about childhood and sexuality, and it is worth asking ourselves why. Of course, there are fans of Carroll’s who see such questions as irrelevant muckraking. Perhaps that’s because when we talk about the Alice books we are also talking about ourselves, as these are some of the books we remember most fondly from childhood, and that makes it hard for some readers to hear anything potentially awkward about Carroll without it being experienced as a personal assault.”

Yet, is there not something inherently “awkward” about Carroll’s writings? His ‘Easter Greeting to Every Child who Loves Alice’ (1876) speaks of an inclination for “mixing together things grave and gay”, aspects of joy being balanced by the acknowledgement that “Echoes fade and memories die”. His association of children with seasonal brevity is wedded to a discourse on death.

“The saddest part of the Alice books is probably the underlying reason Carroll had for writing them. This seems to have been something more or other than simply the desire to entertain small children. Ultimately I think he wrote stories for children for the same reason that he took photographs of them: it was a way of creating little bubbles of fantasy in which they could be protected from growing up. In one of his letters, Carroll wrote that ‘There are few things so evanescent as a child’s love’, but turning them into stories or fixing them into images meant that he would never suffer the otherwise inevitable betrayal of them growing up and leaving him.

This is one of the interesting differences between photographs and stories. When Carroll took a photograph of Alice Liddell, it was like pinning a butterfly to a board – she would never change unless the image faded over time.  Put her in a story, on the other hand, and he could keep her the same age while also bringing her to life in speech and movement. She could be ‘still’ like Tenniel’s illustrations, but also ‘still’ in the same way that a river is still – always on the move, still going.”

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Evidently, Carroll proves a complicated character to interpret. Douglas-Fairhurst’s reference to letters raises a question about this interpretation itself: about the borders between biography and invention – Is it folly to judge Dodgson’s mind through the prism of his fictional work?

“That’s a good question. I think there’s always a danger in treating fictional works as disguised confessions, but I also think that the Alice books – perhaps because they are supposed to be a journey through Alice’s unconscious mind – allowed Carroll to explore parts of himself that he would never have felt able to without the alibi of fiction.”

Combined with Carroll’s own desire for privacy, The Story of Alice necessarily treads on the threshold of risk. With the fragile nature of the subject matter, the personal inspirations are worthy of note.

“I thought long and hard about whether to talk explicitly about the person it’s dedicated to – Conor Robinson, a dazzlingly talented English student at Magdalen who died after an accidental fall in Michaelmas 2013. There were a couple of paragraphs I put in and took out several times. In the end I decided to include them, because The Story of Alice would have been very different without what was a very sad time in many people’s lives. It’s probably why so much of the book is about how we grow up and what happens if we can’t. It was only after I finished it that I realised that in some ways the whole book was an act of mourning.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is a story I knew long before I knew how to read, and the more I talked to other people about this the more I realised that this wasn’t just a personal quirk. Over the past 150 years the story has become a modern myth – one that is forever being reinvented, and one that slips out of our grasp whenever we try to pin it down. I suppose I wanted to find out why “

The reference to a “modern myth” is interesting. Indeed, it is true that Alice is often first known or experienced through adaptation and retelling. My preferred film version, directed by Jonathan Miller in 1966, sheds away the cloth of fantasy to render every character human. In contrast, Douglas Fairhurst sees the ‘cartoonish’ as intrinsically vital.

“I love the Miller for its druggy haze and the Svankmajer for its sheer weirdness, but my favourite adaptations, though, are probably the 56 very early films made by Walt Disney in the 1920s, when he started by dropping a real Alice into Cartoonland, but soon realised that the jokes were better when human beings weren’t getting in the way. And overall I suppose my feeling is that it’s cartoons that come closest to the mad inventiveness of Carroll’s Wonderland, a place where nothing is but thinking makes it so.

There are endless cultural sequels and echoes and offshoots, which you can see in everything from John Lennon’s lyrics for some the greatest hits of The Beatles (‘I am the Walrus’ or ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’) to fashion items like the ‘Alice band’, but the most significant work is probably Disney’s 1951 cartoon. It’s not as sugary-sweet as some people think – I think Dali had a hand in it somewhere – but it probably fixed an image of Alice in the popular mind just as much as John Tenniel’s original illustrations. Along with Tim Burton’s recent film, it’s one of the main reasons that far more people know the story of Alice than have ever read the books.”

Alice is something of a protean beast – larger now than Carroll’s work itself. So far, the year’s anniversary has been a varied affair, crafting a Wonderland in perpetual shift.

“I agree it’s been hugely diverse already – sometimes cosy, sometimes surprising – in a way that’s perfectly in tune with Carroll’s own writing and personality. And there’s still a lot more to come, including the new Damon Albarn musical wonder.land in Manchester and then at the National Theatre. I sat in on a rehearsal today and interviewed the creative team for a piece in the programme, and I think it could be very exciting. Wonderful, even”.

When questioned on what he was “working on” currently, Douglas-Fairhurst offered this reply: “My abs.”

Carroll, a known athlete and strongman, would certainly approve.

All work and no praise makes Jack a dull boy

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The campaign for a reading week in 5th week points to a much deeper problem with the working climate at Oxford. Of course we’ve all heard it before: the well-touted big fish/small pond, little minnow/big ocean dogma that encompasses us all. Most of us had their egos hyper-inflated to get us this far, whether you were primed for Oxbridge application in a class of 12 or whether your acceptance made local headlines.

As a second year I have reached a certain degree of cynicism about my position as an undergrad at this university. As such I am already the smallest and peskiest of my tutors’ duties – they are here to do research, sometimes lecture, look after grads, and then teach us. More often than not we insult them and their time by handing in work that we dashed off forty minutes before the deadline for no particular reason (but also, mate, because I was so hungover). We are young, intellectually immature, and our degrees are sweeping taster courses at the end of which – infancy of all infancies – we sit exams.

And yet – most of us are here for eight weeks a term, three terms a year, for three/four years. In three years I am expected to come to grips with 1500 years of English literature. How could I possibly? Then again, with its compulsory Old English paper, it is the most rigorous English course in the world. When I leave this place at 21, myself and my peers will have the most wide-ranging knowledge of English literature out of anyone else our age.

Oxford is a dichotomous place: the demands made of you are nigh impossible to fulfill, and yet we must recognize quite how much we do achieve in the little time we have. The powers that be can try as they might to take Oxbridge of its pedestal, but the fact  remains that its graduates will always have a premium on the job market because of what the climate here trains them to do: I will leave this place with a fairly superficial knowledge of the afore-mentioned 1500 years, but more important is the ability that Oxford has given me, of producing under pressure; the ability, we might say, of bullshit. All those essays you dashed off hungover and forced your poor tutor to wade through, your poor tutor who has waded through generation after generation of people talking about Milton’s satanic sympathies; every single one of those essays will have prepared you for the ‘real world’, where you will be asked to come up with something, anything, as quickly as possible.

My time at Oxford has gone in peaks and troughs. My fresher year was a blur of alcohol-induced magnanimity and skimming through Prelims because I felt justified in not caring – I’d busted my gut to get myself here and I was determined to enjoy it. Second year came and the change in pace was remarkable: my workload, although still heavier than at any of my friends’ universities, was far more humane. Gone were the days of biweekly 3,000 word essays plus commentary and presentation – a baptism of fire, the cruelty of which I am only starting to register. The rhythm was now one of a single essay, and of working myself into a crescendo of stress over the course of a five day period to get it in on time with my integrity intact. I fell into a rhythm of giving myself three days for reading and two for writing. Consequently I submitted work that had promise but was lacking in depth – my tutors accused me of making sweeping generalizations and of not knowing having contextualized.

My fifth term at Oxford hit, and with it a much worse case of the blues. I have heard the testimonies of relapses into eating disorders, struggles with depression, bipolar disorder, suicidal tendencies, and alcoholism. In my case it was a much simpler case of feeling that I wasn’t erudite enough, that I didn’t spend enough time working to justify how little I did outside of my degree, and that I didn’t socialize enough. Days would dribble away and I would hate myself for it. Essay after essay that I had tried so very hard at were handed back with not even a cursory ‘well done’.

I think it telling that Oxford, historically, is founded for the privileged, male population coming out of boarding school, where the dominant mentality is one of all hardship being ‘character-building’. Even the name of the problem – the ‘blues’ – trivializes it. Here lies the issue: mental health at Oxford is treated too lightly. It is expected that everyone get ‘the blues’ regardless of whether they have been medically diagnosed with a mental condition. It is something you are expected to ‘get through’.

But it’s not just a 5th week issue. It builds over the course of term where there is no try, there is only do, and what you do is never good enough. A reading week in fifth week would not  be enough to help those who struggle with serious conditions to consolidate for the next half of term, nor would it shake the feeling of inadequacy that most of us feel. As superegos, we were conditioned with praise. It is the language we respond to and flourish under. It would do us all some good if we started to get some.

In defence of the Human Rights Act

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Jan Nedvídek wrote here in defence of Conservative proposals to repeal the Human Rights Act, explaining how, before getting “all angry and agitated”, we should take time to pause and appreciate the facts. However, his piece fails to situate the potential revocation in the wider context of Conservative plans regarding civil liberties: when considered in this manner, concern is a justifiable (and necessary) response. 

Jan claims that the government is not proposing to “scrap” any human rights, and that the policy has “nothing to do with rights and liberties”, and that it is simply about “changing our relation with the European Court of Human Rights”. False; false; partially true.

Firstly, it is true that scrapping the Human Rights Act would not see a deletion of the concept of any of our fundamental rights; however, it creates the space for them to be modified, reduced, and made contingent upon the State’s will to provide them. Essentially, this removes the core pillars of human rights, namely their universality and indivisibility. A British Bill of Rights would give the state stronger interpretative provisions of what rights are, and the ability to change the threshold of classification as to what constitutes ‘serious’ matters. The Conservative manifesto promises that this will allow UK courts to strike out ‘trivial’ cases, yet procedures already exist to determine whether a case constitutes a rights violation. If a case meets the existing criteria – that is to say, it is classed as a contravention of human rights – I am unsure of quite how it could be labeled ‘trivial’.

Secondly, the Bill of Rights would incorporate the rights included in the European Convention, but “clarify” them to “ensure that they are applied in accordance with the original intentions for the Convention and the mainstream understanding of these rights”. What gives the Tories the just mandate to arbitrate the ECHR’s intentions? Furthermore, since when was appeal to the “mainstream understanding” a legitimate, sound and fair basis for the judgment of what rights are? Political philosophers have written for centuries about the dangers of the tyranny of the majority. While Jan will undoubtedly recoil at my use of such polemic language, surely you can understand my concern at the thought of vesting rights in subjective interpretation.

Thirdly, the proposed change in relationship is to “break the formal link’” between Strasbourg and domestic courts. Currently, Section 2 of the Human Rights Act requires that courts “take into account” judgments of the ECHR: the Tory claim that the ECHR can “force the UK to change the law” is only true insofar as Parliament must respond to judgments and align domestic legislation with international legal provisions. When, in the context of universal human rights, is harmonizing domestic penal codes with international legal standards a bad thing? The manifesto’s promise to “break the formal link” removes Parliament’s obligation to consider European Court judgments, the implication of this being that the UK has a mechanism to avoid international accountability for its human rights violations.

Finally, Jan states that “to claim that there is correlation between one’s membership of the ECHR and the extent to which civil liberties are protected is quite frankly factually incorrect”; quite the opposite, in fact. There may not be correlation between the enjoyment or realization of civil liberties and State membership of the ECHR, but it provides a mechanism by which individuals can hold their governments to account, facilitating appeals to an international body which can then mandate changes within the country. And, as an aside, Strasbourg is not a “foreign court”, it is an international one, with legal provisions and territorial jurisdiction that we signed up to. The European Court is our regional authority on human rights: to distance ourselves from that is to undermine the concept of universal human rights

The crucial weakness of Jan’s argument – and indeed my counter-argument – is that we do not have the draft for the new British Bill of Rights, and so cannot comment on what is in it. Notable is that Cameron reneged on his promise to publish it prior to the election, a move undoubtedly linked to the virulent criticism that the policy has faced from civil society and party members alike. However, in the absence of the Bill itself, we can briefly (this list is by no means exhaustive) situate it in a wider context:

  • The current ‘Prevent’ strategy, revealed in 2014, has faced criticism for stigmatizing minorities, while Liberty Director Shami Chakrabarti noted that it ‘transform[s] us all into suspects – leaving the public no safer and everyone a little less free’;
  • Home Secretary Theresa May indicated that she was ready to revive plans for the Snooper’s Charter, which faced international condemnation;
  • David Cameron’s stance against encryption and privacy online caused international uproar, noting his willingness to endorse mass surveillance;
  • Reports of Justice Secretary Michael Gove and Theresa May’s willingness to remove the UK from the European Convention on Human Rights have emerged, in which they refer to withdrawing as the ‘only solution’;
  • The Bill of Rights would limit the territorial scope of rights protections, making them the preserve of the British and ensuring that ‘British Armed forces overseas are not subject to persistent human rights claims that undermine their ability to do their job’ (if that doesn’t set off alarm bells, I’m unsure what will).

Nobody is claiming that human rights “didn’t exist” before 1998, nor that this policy entirely “eradicates” our civil liberties. But I’m angry, I’m agitated, and crucially, I’m concerned about what the future may hold for human rights in Britain. What’s more? I think you should be too. 

Mental health first aid: the basics

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Imagine you’re walking along Magdalen Bridge, and you find an elderly man passed out on the floor, unresponsive and not breathing. What do you do? Basic life support is an important skill that does save lives in an emergency. It’s increasingly being taught in courses at school and organisations, especially for staff, and has even been featured on TV adverts. So you’ll probably know to call 999 and to give 30 compressions (to the tune of Bee Gees’ ‘Staying Alive’) and two rescue breaths (then repeat, obviously). But how about a different emergency situation?

Imagine you’re walking along Magdalen Bridge, and you fi nd a man having a panic attack, and through the hyperventilation, he tells you that he was going to jump off the bridge. You see that he has wounds – not at all life-threatening – on his arms, and it looks like he’d been selfharming. What do you do? Very few people would know what to do or to say to someone experiencing acute distress, clinical depression, self-harm, or attempted suicide. Maybe it is due to a lack of education or knowledge. Perhaps its roots lie in the British stiff upper lip. One thing for sure is that mental health stigma still exists; people don’t want to talk about Churchill’s metaphorical Black Dog.

A person who is unresponsive and not breathing requires immediate life-saving basic life support; there is no doubt about that. However, mental health illness constitutes a huge burden of disease. Not only is it the leading cause of disability worldwide, but in the UK, mental health problems affect about one in four of the population in the course of a year. In Britain, mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental health problem. To some, mental health problems may seem unworthy of notice; it is not often that we hear of people with a terminal mental health condition. But mental health conditions do cause death.

Currently, the largest cause of death in 15-34 year olds is suicide, and this is largely due to mental illness. We carry on our mundane, daily lives, and we’re worried about not falling off our bikes on the High Street right behind a Brookes Bus emitting unhealthy amounts of greenhouse gases. We’re worried about getting too drunk and falling into the river and drowning (maybe). And yet, statistically speaking, people in our age group in the UK are most likely to die by suicide, due to a mental illness. Let’s remind ourselves that suicide is a fatal symptom of a mental illness.

Even if we ignore (just for a second) the fatal aspect of mental health conditions, let’s not forget the anguish and suff ering that people with mental health problems deal with. There must be something that we as a society can do to reduce stigma, improve understanding of mental health, and help those in need.

This is where mental health first aid (MHFA) comes in. One defi nition of MHFA is “the help provided to a person developing a mental health problem or in a mental health crisis” or “the first aid given until appropriate professional treatment is received or until the crisis resolves”. This is exactly the kind of thing that will help to reduce deaths by suicide, and decrease the burden of mental health problems overall. While I appreciate that basic life support skills and CPR are extremely important for people to know, given that mental health problems are more commonly encountered than heart attacks in our age group, I wholeheartedly believe that everyone should be able to receive MHFA training, especially our peer supporters and welfare officers in common rooms, colleges, and the University. It is exciting that there are now many organisations that provide mental health first aid training, with the most prominent being MHFA England, developed and launched under the Department of Health in 2007 as part of a national approach to improving public mental health.

The training is designed to teach you to spot the early signs of a mental health problem, be able to help someone experiencing a problem, help prevent someone from hurting themselves or others, guide someone towards the right support, and to help someone recover faster. The standard course provided by MHFA England is across two days and goes through the basics of mental health, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression, and psychosis. There’s even a threehour version (MHFA Lite), so there’s really no excuse about not getting at least some mental health first aid training under the belt.

Let’s face it, university life is stressful. It’s worse now for students than ever before (probably aside from times of conflict/war). There’s more to learn, especially for the scientists, and then there’s the influence of technology, mass media, and social media.

It’s time we actually had mental health first aiders in our organisations to prevent burn out, especially for whom it could have so easily been preventable. MHFA will not just help to treat people with mental health problems, but it’ll also help to produce a more compassionate society and decrease the stigma surrounding mental illness. What more could you want?

I’m not saying it’s a cure-all for all mental illness, but so much more needs to be done on this front, and finally we have a viable, sustainable, and cost-effective solution.

How to…Escape Park End

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There are many things that one regrets in life. Not brushing your teeth after a night out. Forgetting to buy milk. Ignoring emails about overdue books. Touching your eyes after chopping onions. Not telling your cat you love them before your mum takes them to the vet to be put down because of their twisted gut. Sure, regret plagues the everyday schedule of an everyday human.

But regret is served up in different portion sizes. And Park End is an All-U-Can-Eat buffet. Despite this unquestionable and well-known fact, and due to the fact that humankind is programmed to hate itself, from the occasional Wednesday to every Wednesday, we find ourselves there.

“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. How the FUCK did this happen?” you roar. But the cry is lost. Lost in the air which is already brimming over with thousands of similar cries. The air in Park End sucks everything out of you, starting with your sobriety and ending with your soul. And that is why, for my final ‘How To’ of this term, I leave you with some crucial advice. Advice that you will need for the next however many years you have left in Oxford.

If someone invites you for a night out at ‘Lava & Ignite’, DO NOT GO. This is Park End’s alter-ego. It exists under two names so that it can morph into something different. When you decide you hate Park End, it morphs into Lava Ignite, and vice-versa; back and forth it flings its identity. The metronomic swing acts as hypnosis for your foolish mind. The first rule is to always say no to either. I don’t care if it actually sounds quite exciting, like a little volcano bubbling. Lava burns. Remember that. There is a reason that the anagram for Lava Ignite is ‘A Giant Evil’.

The nine circles of hell are compacted into the three floors of dance. Rules of three and all that. Bad music swiftly loses its genre, and so the three floors are unrecognisable from each other. But Gluttony, Wrath, Violence, Lust – you’ll catch ’em all. Like a dystopian Pokemon. Dante describes it best, “I saw multitudes / to every side of me; their howls were loud / while, wheeling weights, they used their chests to push. / They struck against each other.” The parallel is unquestionable, as you shimmy amongst infinite carnal malefactors.

Wait. Hang on. SEE! LOOK AT ME! I haven’t even begun to properly advise you yet. Park End can entrap you even beyond its perimeters. But that’s fine, because my advice is simple. As Taylor Swift flings herself, like a leech, onto your face and sucks, as ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ stings your leg like an unrelenting jellyfish, do not prod it with your finger, or get a friend to pee heroically on your leg. As ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ slices through your soul, RUN. Run as fast as you can. Don’t look back. Don’t stop as your friend shouts, “Wait, I love this song.” Sprint as fast as your stung legs can take you. And only when you have swallowed your last chicken nugget, brushed your teeth, and snuggled under your duvet, are you free.

Diary of a…Student Journalist

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I wake up at 4pm. My throat is burning, my head throbbing, my lips cracked. Around me are strewn my clothes from the night before; I stagger out of bed and squint in the late afternoon sun. No: this is no post-Bridge hangover.I haven’t been to Bridge all term. Nor is it essay crisis exhaustion. This, my friend, is the delightful morning of regret that comes after Cherwell print deadline, 3:30am every Thursday.

I make it back into the offices for 5pm., running to Tesco to grab cookies, crisps and other such cheap sugary snacks with which to ply our contributors at conference. Cherwell Conference is the weekly meeting where all the staff get together to review the week’s issue, which has (theoretically) been delivered to colleges, libraries and coffee shops around Oxford that morning. In order to motivate people to come, the other deputy editors and I (there are four of us) buy snacks, though attendance dwindles towards the end of term. We sit; we eat; the senior editorial team makes in-jokes; everyone else pities us and our train-wreck social lives.

The week after Conference is pretty simple. Much of the role of a dep is problem-solving, and answering the million shitty questions that no one will ever notice unless we get them wrong. Is it libellous to accuse someone of voting UKIP in the gossip column? Probably not, but it might be a bit mean. Is Sport allowed to make a joke about the Taliban in their coverage of an OUCC tour to Afghanistan? 100 per cent never, ever. Have we compromised Fashion’s creative vision by tweaking their photoshoot? Probably; oh well. Do we write ‘12-year-old’ or ‘12 year-old’? Literally no-one knows, nor cares. All of these are real things we’ve dealt with over the last eight weeks.

Every deputy editor has to come in for one day between Saturday and Wednesday and supervise certain sections of the paper laying-in (i.e. creating their pages on Adobe InDesign, ready for printing). This, in practice, involves arriving at the offices to find them empty, desperately firing off passive-aggressive Facebook messages asking when section editors plan to come in, and then sitting back with a Pret coff ee, a hangover and an essay to write, and waiting. Nonetheless, it’s a good way to meet people, and as long as they don’t make the mistake of calling you their ‘boss’ (again, something that has happened this term), you make friends quickly. The different sections surprise you, and undeniably have diff erent vibes depending on the people in each one. Some people arrive, put their articles in and leave within an hour or two. Other spend days creating the perfect spread, only for it to be torn apart at the whim of an editor. Everything is always in flux; not a single article will be printed exactly as it was originally written.

By Thursday, we have come full circle – midmorning, the editors, news editors and deputies begin to trickle in to complete the paper. Each of the 32 pages has to be proofread with a fine-tooth comb by at least four different people; every image checked for the right quality and every news article checked for defamation. Editorial decisions are discussed, and everyone’s opinion matters, but ultimately the editors have the final say. From lunchtime to the early evening, spirits are high. Then we take a break and eat together in town. The paper’s probably halfway done by midnight. From 11pm. to 3am., we feel like death. After we send the paper off to be printed, I cycle home past people coming back from nights out, and slump into bed. On to the next issue

In Defence of: Celebrity

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Kenneth Branagh dons his best fast-talking, over-gesticulated, hopelessly neurotic Woody Allen impersonation in Allen’s dissection and satire of modern celebrity culture. In fact, Branagh’s impression is so uncanny it’s a wonder Allen didn’t simply cast himself as the lead, as was custom in his earlier films. It’s often bracketed along with Allen’s “unsuccessful” forays into light comedy, but Celebrity is a biting and brutal observation of the lengths some people will go to in order to secure fame and fortune.

It’s as star-studded as the world it depicts, packed with red hot cameos from the likes of Leonardo Di Caprio, Charlize Theron, and Melanie Griffith, all appearing in hilarious sketch-like segments as ridiculous carica- tures of materialistic and vacuous superstars. Branagh is entertainingly annoying as Lee Simon, a celebrity journalist fighting his way to the top, and Judy Davis is on fine form too as his unraveling ex-wife, Robin (who strangely also seems to be playing Allen, albeit a female version). Robin’s journey is the precise opposite of Lee, who squanders any fruitful opportunities for fleeting sex as well as his constant quest for his own 15 minutes of fame. Robin, on the other hand, swaps her neuroses and insecurities for a complete makeover transformation and romance with TV producer Joe Mantegna, leading to her own successful talk show. She puts her own happiness first, rather than trying to please everybody like her ex-husband.

It’s more than just an exploration of celebrity; it’s about the different paths we choose to take in order to achieve our goals. It’s about integrity, morality, and veracity. It’s about being true to one’s self and not being afraid to say “no” sometimes. In spite of its glossy façade, Celebrity is, perhaps surprisingly, actually one of Allen’s most poignant philosophies. 

Creaming Spires TT15 Week 7

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Those reading this column regularly will notice the pattern. Member of the LGBTQ community gets Grindr, has either shit or great sex, then leaves. Of course there’s no problem with that. I’ve had a lot of great (note not shit, as I carefully vet my recruits) sex that way. But, dear readers, there is also the good old fashioned club hookup. Cast your eyes back prior to Android phones. In the misty shades of the past there lies an age where dick pics could only be sent through an expensive SMS or through the post. I’m talking about the club hookup, which is still alive and well in Oxford.

Forget Bridge, Parkend and Wahoo. If you want sex (and can’t wait until Plush comes repeatedly on a weekend), then Cellar and Kiss bar are the place to be. With the death of Babylove (rest its grimy soul), we all needed somewhere to go and be as edgy/ horny as fuck.

And in fair Kiss, we lay our scene. Unlike Grindr hook-ups, get enough overpriced cocktails in you or cheap vodka snaffl ed in your friend’s bra and you don’t have to put up with awkward chit-chat. Lock eyes, dance in a sultry manner, lay a hand on a guy’s waist and hey presto, you’ve pulled. Although in this case, it was more stagger aimlessly, bump into someone and then end up being straddled by them in the corner of the club. Oh, and only remembering this actually happened to you when someone sconces you at crewdate and everyone laughs when you don’t stand up.

Straddling complete and after a few drunken rounds upon the dancefl oor, you’re raring to go. Thrusting into a taxi when you’re struggling to remember someone’s name and hurtling into some far-fl ung fi eld is far more exciting than checking how many feet away your Grindr Romeo is.

Plus, I’m a gent. I give the guy my coat because he’s cold. Which the guy responds to by hurling himself out of the taxi onto the pavement outside his house, whilst throwing the contents of his stomach onto my beautiful denim in the process. From this point onwards, it’s merely damage control and hoping the guy hasn’t got alcohol poisoning. After a few more chuns in his neighbour’s garden and earcrushing shouts, we finally get into his house. Far from the fuck I imagined, I’m now holding a cup to puke into as he refuses to leave his bed. Mother Theresa would be proud of my chastity and charity.

Finally, a click at the door. His housemates have returned and my babysitting has come to an end. I plan my escape. Except, it’s 3:30 a.m. I have no money and am an hour’s walk from college. I am resigned to spending the night in the den of puke. Finally relieved from my duties as carer, I get to sleep. Yes, it was an ordeal and a great deal more traumatic than a Grindr hookup, but the ‘sorry I vommed on you’ blowjob I got the next day was still pretty good.

Why I Refrigerated My Poo

Want to make big bucks quick? The secret to getting three grand in two weeks? The answer is poo. I just fi nished a fortnight-long clinical trial investigating enteric fever (that’s typhoid to you) and I am £3,640 the better for it.

The procedure is simple. You are infected with either Salmonella enterica typhi or paratyphi, and for the next 14 days you go to hospital, hand in stool samples, and have blood taken. Occasionally you drool into a test tube. You keep your shit (yes, literally) in the fridge in a little cooler bag and notify your housemates that they really don’t want to be stealing anything from your shelf. You can’t make food for anyone or let anyone eat your faeces, but they didn’t mention any limitations on blowjobs.

Yes, I did have to sign a piece of paper to confirm that I understood I may die, but so what? I had one day spent sweating in bed, and then had to come home early from a hip’n’hoppin’ Cowley house party because my back hurt and I felt like a pensioner. Other than that, there was not much of an impact on my life. I mastered the art of timing my coffee-drinking to my loo breaks so that the nurse would exclaim ‘Hot off the press!’ with jubilation. The crooks of my elbows looked like heroin colanders. I got the quads of a champion from cycling to Headington every day.

Typhoid and paratyphoid are bacteria that have been rendered largely obsolete in countries with well-maintained modern plumbing. It represents a specific danger to children under the age of five, so the study is carried out by the paediatrics department of the Oxford Vaccine Group. You carry typhoid and paratyphoid in your gut, so the trial begins with an endoscopy, which is the opposite of a colonoscopy. You go into the JR at 7am and have a cable pushed down your throat, through your stomach and into your small intestine. 15 tissue samples are then taken from your gut lining (which you can’t feel). After the endoscopy, you have a 45-90 day period in which your gut recovers, and then you start the trial. It was probably the most unpleasant part of the whole thing – picture me foetal, sedated, retching sleepily over the clamp strapped around my head that keeps my mouth open for the cable.

On the challenge day – the day you get infected – they take a coke can’s worth of blood and make you do a bunch of shots out of a test tube. You get a funpack of a diary card and a crappy thermometer that takes about five minutes to read your temperature. You record your temperature twice a day. Simple. As soon as you start showing symptoms they start you on a two-week course of antibiotics that they know will clear you. This study has been going since 2009 and in 173 participants, they have never had a single hospitalisation for severe symptoms.

The worst part is probably your friends’ reactions. It is a legal requirement to tell your household, but of course word gets out when they bitch about it amongst themselves. You get comments at formal hall shadowed by a shake of the head and a ‘tut-tut’ of “She’s put a value on her body” and “I can’t believe you’d choose to have an endoscopy!” I even once got the accusation of “You’re not doing it for the good of humanity though, are you? You’re just doing it for the money” – of course I am. What do you expect? Or rather, I am humanity, and I’m doing it for my own good. I’m going to need seed capital if I’m going to save the world one day, you know. Better still is the introductory line, “This girl keeps her poo in the fridge!” – pause for the big reveal – “Because she has typhoid! On purpose!” And? For two weeks of pooing into a cup I walk away £3,000 richer and y’all can suck it.

And the best part? They’re still recruiting.

Letterman: The last of his kind

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Across the Atlantic, television is in mourning. Black curtains adorn the windows of the Ed Sullivan Theatre on Broadway. The last remaining legend of the small screen has passed on; the last of his kind, we will not see his like again in our lifetimes. A true giant of late night entertainment has been felled. David Letterman has retired.

Eulogies have poured in from the great and the good. Conan O’Brien urged viewers to actually change channel to watch the final Late Show. Jimmy Kimmel’s ode to Letterman was so emo- tional he had to restart it three times. Jimmy Fallon credited Letterman with creating the late night talk show format as it currently stands. Jon Stewart capped it off by calling Dave the greatest talk show host of all time. High praise, indeed the highest praise possible, for a man who started his professional life as a weatherman.

For those of you who don’t know who David Letterman is, or don’t understand why his retirement is so monumental, just remember this; he hosted the same late night talk show on CBS for 22 years. That’s longer than most of you reading this have been alive for. Add to that the 10 years spent hosting Late Night and Letterman becomes the longest-running talk show host in American television history.

For many viewers, Letterman’s show has been the staple of American television. He was there in the aftermath of 9/11, providing a brief moment of normality to an American audience still reeling in the chaos. He was there after a quintuple bypass heart operation, visibly emotional as he thanked the team of doctors that saved his life. He was there, publicly apologising to an audience of millions in his admission of sleeping with members of his staff. The memorable moments continue: Cher calling him an asshole, Joaquin Phoenix’s performance art car-crash interview, Drew Barrymore flashing him. As you might imagine, 30 years on the air produces quite a highlights reel.

Admittedly, Letterman’s style has been criticised for not so much maturing with age as fossilising. Whilst Jimmy Fallon plays ‘Wheel of Musical Impressions’ with Christina Aguilera, and James Corden parodies the entirety of Tom Hank’s filmography in six minutes with Hanks himself, Letterman is sat behind the same desk, asking the same sort of questions, with a sardonic wit that’s unchanged since a time when the Berlin Wall was still standing.

His retirement comes as the final earthquake in the recent tectonic shifts in the world of American talk show television. Jay Leno’s retirement from the Tonight Show, for the second time, was equally monumental, giving his replacement Jimmy Fallon the space to monopolise on comedy segments that have vast YouTube audiences. Craig Ferguson, who hosted the show that followed Letterman’s for ten years, was replaced by essentially unknown Brit James Corden. And now we have Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report fame, stepping in to the largest shoes imaginable in the late night world as Letterman’s successor.

Letterman is a relic from an era that has long ceased to exist. Much closer in image to Johnny Carson than to the modern, energetic, unrelentingly enthusiastic breed of talk show hosts, Letterman is very much the last of the old guard of television royalty. None of the current talk show hosts will still have their shows in 20, let alone 30, years. The world of television is too jittery for one person to endure for that long again.

Watch the final Late Show if you can. As much as it’s simultaneously funny and moving, it is now also a piece of history; a monument to a man whose stature and legacy we will not see again.