The nominations committee of the University of Oxford has proposed the counterterrorism expert Louise Richardson as the University’s next Vice-Chancellor. The OxStew understands that expertise in terrorism and security matters was a key criterion for the committee, in light of recent ‘terrorist’ acts by gangs of left wing anti-austerity students. These acts include holding protests every now and then, endless meetings, and the aggressive use of jazz hands.

Jason Akehurst, an expert in ‘terrorism’, told The OxStew, “Ever since the government started trying to pass the Counter-Terrorism and Security Act 2015, everyone has been scared shitless. Universities across the country have started seeing terrorists everywhere – so much so that they have started redefining what terrorism actually is.

“The University of Oxford is perceived as being particularly at risk, due to the presence of ISIS at the University which authorities are concerned is radicalising students by spreading their dangerous hipster ideology.”

The last straw really was when students started questioning Andrew Hamilton’s salary. How students could criticise the pay gap between the highest and lowest paid at the University is beyond comprehension. Clamping down on any students who question this really ought to a priority for the next Vice-Chancellor.”

The Oxstew understands that the University is also currently considering the purchase of several drones and Kevlar gowns, in order to bolster the University’s security capability. In addition, documents have been leaked to The OxStew revealing that Richardson plans to convert Exam Schools into a new secret service headquarters for the Oxford University Security Service (OUSS) if appointed, which, yes, is a real thing and, no, is not the Oxford University branch of the Waffen SS.

Giles Ashwood, a privately educated communist and ‘student activist’, commented, “It’s no surprise that we have the University on the run, considering all the protests we’ve organised recently that are attended by the same very small group every time. If we just organise one more poorly attempted demo, the University will have no choice but to give us what we want.”

“Maybe the University has concluded that we’re terrorists as a result of our excessive use of militaristic language when it comes describing things, despite us all being anti-war vegans. We’ve been talking about ‘fighting’ and ‘resistance’ against austerity for years, and yet only now is how hip and radical we are being fully recognised. In any case, there’s only one place this battle will be won and that’s the streets!”

A spokesperson for somebody commented, “I am delighted that Louise Richardson has been nominated as Vice-Chancellor and hope that she will continue this great university’s tradition of having shit library hours on weekends. Being extremely well paid is both challenging and rewarding and I wish her luck in her new role.”

On Thursday evening, St Catherine’s College JCR unanimously passed a motion to purchase a guillotine, as part of the JCR’s ongoing dispute with the College. The motion follows an earlier decision by the JCR to launch a revolution against College, in response to a dispute over how the JCR’s budget is managed. The OxStew understands that the JCR President brought the motion following thorough research into the range of guillotines available, by searching for the term ‘guillotine’ on Amazon. The guillotine, which requires self-assembly, was purchased by the JCR by spending all the money that other JCRs have so far donated to their cause.

St Catz JCR President Jack Hampton commented, “We thought that this would be the most appropriate way to spend the money that JCRs have so far donated to us. Let me reassure all those concerned that we have absolutely no intention of paying back the money loaned to us by other JCRs.”

However, Hampton denied that the JCR planned on using the guillotine to behead people any time soon. Hampton told The OxStew, “If we were to use it to execute anyone, it would have to pass in a GM first. Having a revolution is no excuse not to respect JCR procedure. The purchase of the guillotine is just a precautionary measure; at the moment we only plan to use it to cut pieces of A3 paper into two sheets of A4 paper. “

We’re also currently in negotiations with a theatre company to buy some spare props and costumes from a recently finished production of Les Misérables,” Hampton added. (The OxStew would like to remind its readers that Les Misérables is not, in fact, set in the French Revolution, but rather the Paris Uprising of 1832.) When The OxStew asked Hampton whether frivolous expenditure along similar lines might be why the College may be seeking to take tighter control of JCR expenditure, Hampton responded that if that was the College’s opinion they would have a good use for the guillotine after all.

Meanwhile, many members of the St Catz JCR are discussing whether to adopt a policy of socialism in one JCR or seek to spread the revolution to other JCRs. The OxStew understands that self-identifying Stalinist and Trotskyist factions are already arising within the JCR, as a result of this debate. One self-identifying rugby lad commented, “Who gives a fuck?”.

In other news regarding post-revolutionary life at St Catz, The OxStew understands that at a recent dinner knives were initially withheld from students until the high table had been seated. When asked whether this was to ward off any potential assassination attempts of College officials, the College declined to comment.

Russell Brand was unavailable to comment.

St Catz JCR President Jack Hampton is currently urging all students who are sympathetic towards the JCR’s cause to purchase T-shirts reading ‘Jack for OUSU’ to fund their campaign. Students also wishing to contribute to the JCR’s hardship fund can donate by visiting ready4jack4chang.org.

The OxStew understands that a prominent Conservative at the University is to propose a motion at OUSU Council to hold a referendum on whether to make owls compulsory in exams. The proposed motion also seeks to mandate OUSU to campaign for all students to be required to buy wands from Ede & Ravenscroft in order to attend matriculation. Matriculation is the ceremony in which students formally enter the University of Oxford.

The OxStew spoke exclusively to Matthew Jacques, the conservative in question, who intends to bring the motion. Jacques commented, “Only by allowing students to bring owls with them to their finals will we convince Oxford students to wear subfusc forever. My hope is that Oxford students will be so preoccupied with preventing owl droppings getting on their exam papers that they will never have the temerity to question the existence of subfusc ever again.

“I’d also like to highlight the very strong access arguments for introducing owls into the exam regulations. Everyone wants to go to Hogwarts, and if we can make Oxford more like Hogwarts, applications from all schools will increase dramatically.

“The world of Harry Potter is essentially a celebration of Britain’s elite educational institutions anyway. By invisibly cloaking ourselves in the mythology of the Harry Potter series, we could continue our quaint and outdated traditions forever.”

When confronted by The OxStew about whether this was a cynical attempt to manipulate the emotions of the thousands of Oxford students who are fans of the Harry Potter series, Jacques declined to comment. Since word of Jacques’ proposal has got around, The OxStew has heard numerous reports of students belonging to the Oxford University Quidditch Club pretending to fly at University Parks. OUSU has since released a statement condemning their actions.

Harry Potten, a self-proclaimed expert on access, praised the idea of bringing owls into examinations, “I think making our exams more like Harry Potter could work ‘magic’ for access. If I had an owl, I’d bring it with me all the time to hall.”

Meanwhile, a helpful Morris dancer, who just happened to be passing by, suggested that students instead dress like them and attend their exams in blackface. “Just as subfusc isn’t elitist, blackface isn’t racist. It’s only a tradition after all! Since when have the historic associations of particular forms of clothing been relevant to how they are perceived?”

On hearing of the motion, Emma Watson, star of the Harry Potter film franchise and a former visiting student at Oxford, entered the debate by posting on her Twitter. “Glad I’m not @ Ox now. Enough people shouted ‘10 points to Gryffindor’ at me before, dread to think of sodding owls & wands.”

Christians have voiced anger over “unacceptable” levels of noise at a number of balls held in Oxford over the weekend (Saturday 9th May – Sunday 10th May). Christians from Balliol, Brasenose, Keble and St Hugh’s have all been affected by disruptive students having “unacceptable” levels of fun.

College balls are massive parties organised by incompetent Oxford students at their colleges. The OxStew understands that their inherent excess is often camouflaged beneath exotic themes – Monte Carlo and other tax havens are particular favourites – of which right on leftie students temporarily halt their moral disapproval.

Following the balls, some have accused students of rank hypocrisy for complaining about a Christian event running from 11am until 12.45pm, but failing to take issue with balls running from 7pm until 2am in the fucking morning.

Jesús Franco, an angry Christian and finalist, commented, “Let me get this straight. When we as a community of Christians try to bless this city by playing Joan Osborne’s 1995 hit ‘What If God was One of Us’ on repeat, we’re disruptive. But when students want to get really pissed and wear black tie ‘ironically’, whilst pumping out ‘Blurred Lines’ on loudspeakers that’s okay. It’s okay to get annoyed at noise made by Christians, but at least express some disapproval when a bunch of posh dickheads get together to make noise as well.”

The OxStew could not reach any finalists for comment, as they were all still too hungover. However, one Balliol fresher told The OxStew, “Leave me the fuck alone, it’s one in the afternoon and I’m still hungover. Can you get me a bucket? I think I’m going to be sick…”

There were also complaints from hordes of angry Morris dancers who gathered outside Oxford colleges in protest at not being invited to provide entertainment at the balls. Harry Valentine, a spokesperson for the English Defence League of Morris Dancers, commented, “Morris dancing is a traditional English tradition. I find it staggering beyond belief that Oxford students would not want us at their balls, providing entertainment. We always get such a good reception from students when we dance for days on end outside of the Rad Cam.”

Valentine continued, “Oxford students not wanting us at their balls is yet another triumph of the politically correct liberal elite, and is exactly why we need Nigel Farage to stay on as UKIP leader.”

OUSU President (2016/17) Jack Myers pleaded with students, “Please, please, please no one tell the Daily Mail that Oxford students still have black tie balls. It might raise questions about whether events that cost close to, and in some cases over, £100 to attend are the real access problem in Oxford, rather than a piece of black fabric with a Latin name that everyone has to wear in exams.”

The new royal baby, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge, has announced that she will take up a place at Wadham in the near future.

In a break with royal tradition, the Princess, who is fourth in line to the throne, declared her intention to apply to the leftist college, telling Cherwell, “In my six days spent as a member of the British royal family, my eyes have been opened to the evils of consumer capitalist false consciousness that have been fed for centuries to the proletariat by the exploitative bourgeois intelligentsia. Conversing with my private staff , I realise now that embedded power structures within Western society have oppressed anyone who is not a cisgender heterosexual white male, including this staff; all 37 of them.

“I intend to use all means within my power to smash capitalism, the greatest bastion of inequality and prejudice that humanity has and ever will face, just as soon as I have learned to walk. I’m told I will fit right in at Wadham.”

Officially, the Princess will complete an MPhil in Women’s Studies, but sources within the royal household indicate she is still tempted by Oxford’s MSt in Economic and Social History, which will allow her more time to protest outside the Union, or travel to Cuba and obtain a degree from the University of Havana. The Queen is reportedly unconcerned about her left-leaning great-grandaughter, with Buckingham Palace insiders suggesting her reaction amounted to a simple expression of “Fuck it”.

In the past, the royal family has been no stranger to educational controversy. Prince Harry was embroiled in scandal in 2005 when it emerged that his art teacher had completed his A-level art pieces, whilst the fact that Prince Charles was accepted by Trinity, Cambridge at all raised eyebrows and questions of the College’s integrity.

Wadham student Niamh McIntyre commented, “I think it’s really great to see students from all backgrounds expressing an interest in issues surrounding both the rights of women and indeed other oppressed minorities. Princess Charlotte is no exception, and I for one will readily welcome her into Wadham SU.

“I can’t wait to read her first post on Cuntry Living.”

When asked for her thoughts on recent revelations about Vice-Chancellor Andrew Hamilton’s £424,000 salary, the Princess was typically diplomatic in her response, telling Cherwell, “To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency; to forgive them is cruelty. Pity is treason.

“Viva la revolución.”

Middle Eastern terrorist group Islamic State has hailed the decision of student-run magazine ISIS not to change its name. Last term, Oxford magazine ISIS ruled out any suggestion that it would change its name in light of its unfortunate shared title.

Praising the magazine, established in 1892, a spokesperson for the Islamic State told Cherwell, “We thank the magazine for holding steadfast despite the unwarranted pressure to change its name. This decision will clearly do much to raise the profile of Islamic State. After all, ISIS represents the caliphate’s longest-running independent namesake.”

The Islamic State spokesperson, dubbed ‘Journo John’, thought to be acting as the group’s press officer and image consultant, continued, “This development firmly establishes the axis of IS influence – from Mosul, to Tripolitania, to Chibok and St Aldates.”

In the same statement, the Islamic State expressed its support and admiration for the reserve Oxford Blue boat Isis, which swept to victory against Cambridge in last month’s Boat Race, and also ruled out any suggestion of a name change last term.

Journo John continued, “The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant feels that it shares many values with Isis, not least perseverance, endurance, and a pervasive inferiority complex. With a look of exultation, he added, “Clearly sharing a name with a crew that many thousands of British students look up to as second-best will do much to further our campaign for radicalisation of the youth in Western Europe. Besides, I’ve always considered myself something of a Dark Blue.”

Meanwhile, Syrian President Assad has pledged a “merciless onslaught” against the magazine and rowing crew. In a statement released yesterday evening, the Syrian government denounced Oxonians for “furthering the cause of Islamic extremism through the flagrant inflexibility Syria has come to expect from Oxford societies”.

Kurdish forces fighting IS were more laid back in their approach despite the magazine’s decision. “Personally, I am a light blue,” General Barzani told Cherwell from the front line. He continued, “But I don’t hold it against the Isis crew. They won the race fair and square. The river did indeed flow Dark Blue.”

ISIS editorial staff and Oxford University Boat Club declined to comment on the issue. 

Oxford City Council is struggling to cope after a sudden influx of student registrations to vote, sources within the Voter Registration Department have confirmed.

Reports suggest that the council was suddenly inundated with thousands of new applications last week, as students came to the realisation that democracy might actually have an impact on their lives.

“The situation is dire,” Hugh Gradgrind of the council’s Voter Registration Department told Cherwell. He continued, “My office is literally buckling under the weight of these new applications. We received about 12,000 last week, the vast majority from Oxford colleges. Budget cuts have exacerbated the issue; we simply no longer have the man-power to process all these registrations.”

Staff at the Voter Registration Department have reportedly been working around the clock in an attempt to register the new voters in time for the election.

“Clearly this must mean that students have taken a sudden, giant leap away from apathy,” student commentator Joe Smiles remarked. “It’s good to see that students are awakening from their WKD-induced inertia, and starting to realise that voting is a civic duty”.

Another historian recounted their realisation that voting could make a difference. “I remember it vividly. It was 1am and I was on the Park End cheese floor, when suddenly it came to me, like an epiphany,” second year Pembroke student Jeremy Hacksworthy recounted.

He continued, “I don’t know if it was the Jägerbombs, or the S Club 7, or perhaps a mixture of both, but suddenly it hit me, in my bleary-eyed vodka-fuelled haze, like a divinely-inspired vision: if I vote, especially in a marginal seat like Oxford East, I might actually make a difference, I might actually change the course of the election.”

Senior sources within the Oxford Conservatives have expressed dismay at the news. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a senior campaigner told Cherwell, “Our campaign strategy in Oxford revolved almost entirely around a goodly portion of students being deregistered. I remember chinking glasses when we heard OUSU despairing at low registration. Now all our efforts are in ruins.”

Academics have also reacted more negatively. “Typical Oxford students,” complained an Oriel lecturer. “Why is it that they must always leave submissions right up to the deadline?”

This letter was sent in response to Jan Nedvídek’s article discussing the Human Rights Act.

Sir,

In his comment piece of 6 June 2015 (Strasbourg having a say on British civil liberties), Jan Nedvídek states that “any judicial decision made by the Supreme Court in London can be overturned by the Strasbourg court”. This is incorrect. The Strasbourg Court is not an appeal court and the Supreme Court is the final arbiter of UK law. The Human Rights Act is clear: British courts are not required to follow the judgments of the European Court of Human Rights blindly – they must only ‘take account’ of them. Domestic judges can, and often do, depart from Strasbourg case law to take account of the United Kingdom’s own laws and traditions. In a number of recent cases, including on whole life tariffs, the Strasbourg Court has revisited and refined its earlier judgments following detailed reasoning on an issue by the Supreme Court applying the HRA.

Repealing our HRA would only make matters worse – Strasbourg judges would be denied the chance to consider a British interpretation of European Convention rights. Before the HRA, British courts had no say in human rights decision-making, and British claimants had to take their cases to European Court instead. One of the main reasons for the HRA’s creation was to end the cost and delay of the long road to Strasbourg. Under the proposed “British Bill of Rights and Responsibilities”, if people’s rights cannot be enforced properly by UK courts, they will have to take claims to Strasbourg – taking us back to the bad old days of decade-long waits for justice and sky-high costs.

The common law has a proud history of protecting fundamental rights, but when Parliament legislates to override common law rights or oust judicial oversight, the common law provides no recourse. The nature of the cases taken to Strasbourg before the HRA came into force show the inadequacy of common law rights protection – from the criminalisation of homosexuality and the ban on gay people serving in the armed forces, to the lack of a legal framework governing the actions of the security services and corporal punishment against children. But far from being an alternative to it, the Convention gives hard-edged protection to many common law values.

There are also huge benefits to being part of a multilateral system that protects human rights – not least the wisdom that Strasbourg judges have brought to recent cases against the UK relating to indefinite retention of innocents’ DNA; discriminatory stop and search without suspicion; and the right of a British Airways employee to manifest her religion by wearing a small cross around her neck.

Mr Nedvídek also states that the Government’s policy “does not eradicate human rights”. This is true – but, according to former Justice Minister Chris Grayling’s October strategy paper, it will limit the use of human rights law to the “most serious cases”, with “trivial” cases struck out of court and re-draft the meaning of substantive rights – an unambiguous statement of the Government’s intent to end the universality of human rights and let partisan politicians decide which rights we deserve, and whose matter most.

The HRA was introduced with cross-party support in 1998. It enshrines into law the European Convention on Human Rights, Winston Churchill’s post-war legacy, drafted by some of our greatest legal minds. It is one of the few laws that requires the state to protect our safety and national security, and it has let countless ordinary people – soldiers, survivors of rape, domestic violence and slavery, bereaved families, journalists – hold the state to account.

Cherwell readers can learn more about those the HRA has helped, and why we are fighting to save it, at saveourhra.org.uk.

Yours faithfully,

Bella Sankey

Director of Policy, Liberty