Sunday 12th April 2026
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Should subfusc remain compulsory?

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Should subfusc remain compulsory?

Yes

Tom Barrie

To some, the crux of the subfusc referendum comes down to whether the passionate voices of the few should outweigh the more casually-held opinion of the many. Those in favour of subfusc currently outnumber those against it on the respective Facebook campaigns seven to one, yet the reasons offered by the ‘No’ campaign, ‘Subfusc OFF’, seem more profound than those offered by their ‘Yes’ equivalent, ‘Save Subfusc’. After all, who would keep an oppressive, uncomfortable and backward practice simply because it had been around for a long time?

I’m not going to bang on about tradition and history – these points have been made over and over again, and by people more eloquent than me. By now, I think we’re all pretty familiar with the arguments on either side of the debate. Instead, it’s more worthwhile to look at the validity of the arguments already presented, and then perhaps introduce one or two fresh points to think about.

Subfusc has been called elitist, but I’m not sure where this idea comes from. Keeping things in perspective, it’s a gown and a suit or dark clothing; the only elitist thing about it is that yes, you have to go to Oxford to wear it. If that’s an issue, then surely the logical conclusion of that argument is to abolish entrance standards? It’s a hallmark of the academic elite, fine, but isn’t that what we’re all here for? Many have claimed that subfusc puts people off applying to Oxford. Personally, I’ve never been presented with any evidence for that. Anecdotal evidence is well and good, but equal numbers have been vocal about the romance and history of the place driving their desire to come to Oxford; that argument cuts both ways. As a side note, when you leave and get a job in the real world, chances are you will have to wear a suit or similar smart clothing in similar high-pressure situations, and you’ll probably have no say in it. We should not, then, be bullied by media stereotypes that paint us as ‘snobs’ when we are not. Why pander to the tabloids who will simply find another reason to hate us the day after we abolish subfusc? Already the Daily Mail is reporting on ‘Oxford set to scrap academic dress’ with comments to the tune of “These kids can’t think of anything better to protest, after mummy and daddy buy them their way in.” There’s no logic to it.

It’s been claimed that subfusc is physically uncomfortable, which would have more merit if everyone didn’t just take it off as soon as they get into the exam room. The only rules are that you wear it in and out of Exam Schools (I bet you didn’t know that, freshers).

The No campaign has been conducted eloquently and passionately, but doesn’t account for practicalities. Those in the No campaign claim that if people still wanted to wear subfusc, they could – it wouldn’t be banned, merely optional. However, this argument doesn’t account for the fact that nobody will want to wear it if it becomes optional – after all, nobody wants to be the kid at school who came in wearing uniform on home clothes day. Similarly, when you’re sporting subfusc in that big white tent before Prelims, the last thing you want is for everyone around you to be staring and thinking “prick”. The idea of choice is a fallacy. All this decision would do is replace one form of judgement with another – rather than a perceived divide between Oxford and the outside world, there would be a split within the student body, as everyone becomes anxious about what values they’ve chosen to endorse through their clothing.

Subfusc is visually levelling. Psychologically it has different effects on people, but not only negative ones. There are those who value the stability and uniformity of it, allowing them to focus on the tasks they face.
Moreover, there’s so much to be improved regarding mental health in this university that one might question whether OUSU ought to be expending so much time and effort on this campaign (which, incidentally, mandates the University to do precisely nothing) when resources could be used to assuage issues elsewhere. This is by no means a “we face bigger problems so let’s ignore this one” argument. Rather, it’s a suggestion that we fix what is most broken first, and deal with the semantics of clothing second. Abolishing subfusc is too small a step to take in addressing so large an issue.

Let’s keep this in perspective, then – it honestly doesn’t matter that much. These are, after all, just the clothes you wear in your exams. Just keep in mind that once you get rid of a tradition, you can never bring it back. Oxford has been dragged, kicking and screaming, into the present day over the last 40 years. At times, reactions from the establishment to this modernisation have been embarrassing at best and prejudiced at worst. There’s still a huge amount to be done to ensure the inclusion of every student at this university, and to make everyone feel welcome and encouraged to apply.

Subfusc just doesn’t come into it.

No

Bethany Currie

I have a confession: I actually kind of like subfusc. The 30 seconds I save on choosing what to wear does feel like a real coup on exam morning as I trot off to Exam Schools, reassured and comforted by the fact that anyone who sees me in my old-fangled (but suave) get-up immediately swaddles me in kind thoughts of sympathy and solidarity.

But a lot of people really don’t like subfusc and for a multitude of different reasons: it smacks of archaic elitism, it can be really physically uncomfortable, gendered dress codes should be a thing of the past, it is weirdly restrictive (black socks only, please), completely random (no one else in the world ever chooses to rock an arbitrary black ribbon) and it functions as a stereotype primer that can negatively impact the marks of less privileged students and contribute to an exam atmosphere that allows men to consistently perform better than women in finals.

If you like wearing subfusc, then that’s cool, but personally liking subfusc is not a reason to vote ‘Yes’ in this referendum.

Voting ‘No’ allows other people to have the same level of comfort that you might feel in subfusc. Indeed, making everyone feel as comfortable as possible in exams should be our priority.

We all know that exams at Oxford can be truly horrid, and as students we should commit to making them as manageable as possible, and voting ‘No’ in this referendum is one easy way to cast off one small piece of horridness for a lot of people.

In fact, voting ‘No’ in this OUSU referendum is exactly how we communicate to the University that the status quo should change so everyone can be comfortable.

If the vote comes out as ‘Yes’, then we as a student body have endorsed the way things are at the moment, making any change in the near future pretty inconceivable. We shouldn’t be using our votes to force people to wear things they don’t want to wear, so we should vote ‘No’ rather than ‘Yes’ in this referendum.

Personal stylistic choice can’t really come into it for us anyway. If the referendum goes against subfusc, then that only binds OUSU to change its policy and campaign to make it non-compulsory, it has no binding impact on the decision-making bodies of the University.

The structure of Oxford’s committees can seem utterly impenetrable, but it does mean that the rule might not be changing overnight, and might not actually affect any of us currently here.

And while subfusc just seems pretty funny to us when we are here, content in our knowledge that we don’t wear it every day, we can’t ignore the media’s capitalisation on the association of Oxford with elitism. The Daily Mail branded Ed Miliband a “Tory boy” because of a picture of him wearing white tie at Oxford – but that picture of him wearing white tie was actually just him in his matriculation subfusc. We can’t pretend that the construction of such stereotypes is neutralised by our repeated chorus of “oh but it’s not really like that here”.

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This stereotype can be well tempered by access work when prospective applicants can come down to Oxford. Then we can counter the public perception by introducing real Oxford students, standard folks going about their day in sports kit or wavey garms. However, it is really hard to counter these stereotypes in access work in communities outside of Oxford.
A lot of schools with students who would be amazing at Oxford can’t make the trip here because of time or money, and the challenge posed to access work outside of Oxford is far higher. It is just one person’s word against an ingrained cultural stereotype, and a lot of the time students who I talk to don’t find it that convincing.

The Oxford into which subfusc was introduced was not an Oxford made for everyone, but that is exactly what we want Oxford to be in the future. We can big up academic excellence and passion as much as we want, but if Oxford is going to be accessible to everyone then we need to ease off on our cult of tradition. Yes, the cultivation of community identity can be wonderful, but not when we are excluding members of our community who are actively telling us that we are doing it wrong.

So if you care about choice and comfort in exams, access, or both, you should be voting ‘No’ to compulsory subfusc.

Lord Chris Smith on LGBTQ rights and politics

David Parton
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Lord Chris Smith on LGBTQ rights and politics

For LGBTQ people interested in British politics, Lord Smith is something of an icon. Given the state of contemporary British politics, it’s often hard to find a role model, but for me, Chris Smith is worthy of the label.

One of the standout moments of his career was his decision, in 1984, to come out as gay. “I’d already decided that at some stage I ought to say something publicly about being gay, partly because I thought it was the right thing to do, and partly because I didn’t want to be hounded by the press, and the obvious way of removing that sort of danger was to remove the story by being completely open. So I decided I was going to do it, and the moment came in 1984 when I went to speak at a rally in Rugby, protesting about changes in employment policy towards LGBT people from the city council. I thought, here’s the moment, because what I’m trying to demonstrate is that it’s possible to do every bit as effective a job as an MP being openly gay as it would be being an employee of Rugby council. So I did. I stood up in front of a room of 1,000 people and I said ,“My name’s Chris Smith, I’m the Labour MP for Islington South and Finsbury, and I’m gay.”’

It is perhaps all too easy to perceive such an act through the lens of liberal Oxford, but such a groundbreaking accomplishment truly changed the face of British politics at a time when general public sentiment was firmly homophobic. Such attitudes only got worse in the 1980s. I asked Lord Smith about his response to the Thatcher government’s introduction of the homophobic Section 28 in 1987. “I was marching, making speeches, going to rallies and of course, speaking about it in the House of Commons. I’m pleased to say the Labour opposition opposed it officially, along with those of us who were on the back benches. It then took a Labour government to subsequently get rid of it.”

However, it has to be noted even by Labour party members such as myself, that the Conservative party of Section 28 is not the same party as the Conservative party of today. “I don’t want to be ungenerous – the Tory party has changed, enormously. Back in the 1980s, and early 1990s, the Conservatives were using lesbian and gay issues as a stick to beat the Labour party with. One of their famous posters was a photograph of the book Jenny lives with Eric and Martin which featured a child living with a gay couple, and beside it, “Labour’s Education Policy’. You don’t do that in a national election campaign unless you see this as ‘wedge issue’, as they call it in America, to try and motivate a particular portion of the electorate.” Such political discourse now seems alien to us millennials, and constantly throughout my interview with Lord Smith I was considering just how privileged I am, as a gay man now, interested in British politics now, when as recently as 25, 30 years ago, my very existence would have been the subject of national vilification.

On the topic of LGBTQ rights in general, Lord Smith commented that he thinks there is “still some progress to be made on transgender rights. I think most of the legislative change on LGB rights has been achieved. There’s still some bits of tidying up of old legislation that’s needed and there’s still quite a lot of administrative change that’s needed, but I think where the big issues are that there’s a huge job to be done in terms of overseas work, particularly in Commonwealth countries. Here in the UK, I think the big LGBT movement now has to be in relation to public attitudes, the way in which society views all of this rather than in specific legislative change”.

Another defining moment in Lord Smith’s career came towards the end of his time in Parliament, when he became the first MP in Britain to announce his status as HIV positive. “Announcing it was in many ways, more terrifying than coming out as gay,” says Lord Smith, “Largely because there’s still a lot of prejudice around, and because something relating to individual health is a very personal thing, it’s actually quite difficult to talk about in public.

“The thing that prompted me to do it was Nelson Mandela. When his son died of AIDs, he made this speech, saying one of the problems we have with HIV and AIDs is that we keep it a secret. We need to be much more open about it. And I just thought, perhaps I can do a bit of good, so I decided to talk about it. I had messages after that from huge numbers of people from around the country, saying this had given them hope, because one of the things I was saying was that it is perfectly possible to be HIV positive and lead a very full, very worthwhile, very active life as a contributing citizen. You don’t need to see this as the end of the world.”
Lord Smith then disclosed that shortly after announcing his HIV positive status, he received a message from Nelson Mandela asking him to telephone him, where Mandela then personally thanked Smith for being honest.

I asked Lord Smith, what his proudest achievement was during his impressive career, and he replied, “Undoubtedly, it would be the introduction of free admission to all the national museums and galleries when I was Culture Secretary. It has been incredibly popular, and you only have to go to the Natural History Museum on a Bank Holiday Monday to see parents and kids queuing up around the block to go in to enjoy what’s inside. The benefit that comes from all of that, is enormous.”
As our interview drew to a close, I reflected on my respect for a man who has been truly groundbreaking in smashing the ‘gay glass ceiling’ and helping to change the attitudes of this country. Progress that I now take for granted every day.

Giving the thoughts of a Don: bad faith

Dr Anil Gomes
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Giving the thoughts of a Don: bad faith

Here’s a depressing thought that sometimes occurs to me: someone I teach may, one day, end up in a position of elected power. It’s not an unreasonable fear. The Houses of Parliament are stacked with former Oxford PPE students, shiny-faced and slick of hair, trumpeted by the University as proof of our continuing excellence. Many of our students seem halfway there already, constitutionally incapable of taking any stand on a position that matters. How long before one of them makes the journey from my tutorials to elected office?

The thought should be alluring. It offers philosophy, that most insecure of disciplines, the promise of political relevance. (‘Oxford Philosophy: shaping tomorrow’s leaders today.’) Plato tells us that politics needs philosophy, for “until philosophers rule as kings or those who are now called kings and leading men genuinely and adequately philosophise, that is, until political power and philosophy entirely coincide… cities will have no rest from evils”. The thought is that philosophy teaches wisdom, or at least the love of it, and the philosopher – wise and careful as she is – governs with an enhanced understanding of that which matters.

What a consoling thought! Perhaps the Russian philosopher Jan Sten thought as much when Stalin appointed him as his tutor. But three years of tutorials on Kant, Hegel, Fichte and Schelling seems not to have improved Stalin’s governance, even if one can’t help but sympathise with his frustrated query, familiar to any first-year philosophy student, “Who uses all this rubbish in practice?” Nor was the appointment a good one for Sten. Stalin derided him as a desperate sluggard, and he was eventually pronounced a lickspittle of Trotsky and shot.

This wouldn’t matter if philosophy were simply neutral. I once argued for the election of a philosopher rather than an economist to a Research Fellowship on the grounds that the philosopher at least would do no harm. (I was ignored.) But things may be worse. Prime amongst the ‘transferable skills’ so lauded by philosophy’s proselytisers are those of drawing careful distinctions, of paying attention to small but subtle differences between cases.

The development of these skills is thought to be central to a philosophical education. (‘Oxford Philosophy: training tomorrow’s thinkers today.’) And when used effectively, they allow a clarity of thought shocking in its brilliance and precision.

But they sometimes lapse into institutionally sanctioned pedantry. And when they do, they have analogues in a particular kind of self-deception, that involved in rationalising our bad behaviour. It is easy for a philosopher, trained in the making of distinctions, to distinguish lying from reticence, as Kant did, when writing to a suicidal correspondent. Lying is contrary to the moral law, he claimed; reticence on the other hand…

Here is one use for philosophical thinking: to draw distinctions that make one’s immoral conduct seem permissible, even praiseworthy. It is the kind of thinking which justifies claiming light bulbs on expenses or pressuring one’s spouse into taking one’s speeding points.

It is as if philosophy provides the tools which enable us to do all that we do whilst looking in the mirror and saying: yes, you’ve done good.

Let’s all play Cuppers Croquet

Jack Mccabe
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Let’s all play Cuppers Croquet

Even by the standards set by the Oxford sport scene, croquet is a silly sport. This summer sees the return of teams of eager students attempt to hit balls through hoops (not the basketball kind) by swinging a mallet (not the camping kind), all accompanied by the gaze of bemused tourists and the smell of badly mixed Pimm’s.

Still, the popularity of croquet continues to remain astronomically high, with over 400 teams and 1,600 contestants entering the com­petition in 2015. As such, the competition once again retains the crown of the most popular sporting event of the whole year. Croquet Cup­pers even claims to be the biggest collegiate sporting event in the world, attracting novice and seasoned talent alike.

With such a wide range of skills and abilities over such a vast number of teams, it is difficult to identify any runaway leaders this early in the season.

Captain Christopher Miller of Magdalen firsts enters the competition as the top seed, continuing a strong tradition of Magdalen croquet which builds on last year’s captain Peter Batley’s cup-winning team and sees them field 26 separate teams this year, though even this pales in comparison to last year’s 44 from Worcester.

Balliol also field a group of strong teams, built more off the back of their ‘great lawns and equipment rather than any actual merit,’ as one (clearly jealous) anonymous college captain says. Though there are seven rounds to go, what is clear from the opening stages is that the use of a handicap system (in league and Cuppers) allows newcomers to develop and gain confi­dence rapidly, with many teams of freshers now happily threatening more experienced groups.

The large number of freshers starting can be attributed to the sustained and effective efforts by the Oxford University Croquet Club to prevent people from being turned off by its apparent ridiculousness. The club encour­ages newcomers of every ability to start this engaging, skilful and sociable sport. With the lowest membership fee of any sport (£11 for the term, £23 for the entire summer with usage of full-size lawns and championship-grade equip­ment) and well-attended beginners demonstra­tion sessions, it’s no surprise so many people play croquet when they first get to Oxford.

“Weirdly,” explains OUCC President Mark van Loon, “what keeps people playing after that ini­tial first few games is how tactically aggressive it is – I like to think of it as a more sociable and relaxing type of chess.”

Though there is obviously a large step up between newcomers and the University team, Mark is keen to stress that the process from novice to University standard is something which can happen fairly quickly.

He tells me, “Cuppers is great for getting people involved and teaching technique, but a lot of people gain more experience by joining the university team at any level and learning how to plan their attack.” With good university players often able to limit their opponents to only one or two shots a game due to the lack of mistakes, “taking chances and staying cool under pressure is key.”

The University team seem to take this advice particularly on board, topping the local league consecutively (and earning entrance to the na­tionals) as well as winning the last ten varsity games on the bounce. With many university team members going on to represent the UK at the world championships, this type of domi­nance makes sense.

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However, looking forward to this year’s match against Cambridge at the Hurlingham Club, London, van Loon is far from complacent. “We’ve lost some fantastic players this year, including previous president Harry Fisher, but we’ve been training hard and have some great talent,” including emerging star Martin Lester and a host of enthusiastic new members.

For OUCC, the future is very bright. For a sport which is barely played anywhere else in the country, the team has made a fantastic effort to include people from all colleges, years and backgrounds and are reaping the dividends, drawing upon a range of players and building a consistently competitive and strong team.

Eight places to play croquet in Oxford

Jamie Huffer
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Eight places to play croquet in Oxford

It’s summer time, and the living is easy, espe­cially when most of the Oxford summer is spent on the croquet lawns. Though the sport itself is relaxed, the rivalry between colleges for the greatest, most manicured, most pristine cro­quet lawns is fierce. To resolve, once and for all, the most heated source of competition between colleges, I present to you the top eight places to play croquet in Oxford.

Straight in at number one are the Trinity Lawns, which, and there’s no two ways round this, are spectacular. If you are able to break in through the vaunted blue gates from Broad Street in order to bask on the lawns for an afternoon of croquet and Pimm’s, then count yourself lucky. If you haven’t, then make sure it’s at the top of your Oxford bucket list as it is truly the place to play.

A close second is Oriel Third Quad. Perhaps the most enclosed croquet quad in Oxford, its ur­ban atmosphere undoubtedly adds to the pace of the game. Midday crowds are normally in the double figures so there’s no room for error. A tree and manhole cover ensure only the best can win.

Next up is Queen’s Front Quad. Tucked away behind the huge queues at the Queen’s Lane bus stop, is – surprise, surprise – Queen’s, one of Ox­ford’s stealth High Street croquet havens. If you are lucky enough to be at Queen’s, or if you have friends that are, then you will certainly know that once you disappear into their Front Quad, the surroundings are stunning. On a sunny afternoon, when the sun hits the Quad’s huge arches, which are so sexy that they would give the Romans college envy, there is nothing better to do than knock some plastic balls through some metal hoops.

For a more bucolic take on croqueting, Mer­ton has you covered. Nestled between the green and pleasant lands of Merton Field and the not-so-satanic cobbles of Merton Street, one finds the battlefield that is Merton’s croquet lawn, sited on the appropriately named Mob Quad. Here, the perfectly manicured lawn masks the emotional scars and wounds suffered in the fierce revision-break matches over the centuries. Luckily for Mertonians, their library is a mere five metres from this modern day Colosseum, which makes tactical and theoretical croquet-based mid-match research most convenient. This training ground has seen the likes of James Flannery – Croquet Cuppers King himself – refine their talents on its grassy verges. Those pitted against any Merton team in the next stage of Cuppers… be prepared.

It should come as no surprise that St John’s makes the cut, given they have so much money they have no idea what do with it. Luckily for you, the croquet-mad public, word has it that they have invested a serious amount of £££ in creat­ing a state-of-the-art croquet facility within the walls of college. Also, I have it on good authority that they’ve installed under-soil heating to en­sure that Johnians have the Cuppers advantage of year-round croquet. Watch out world: they mean business.

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From one kind of excess to another, in at six is Christ Church. We get it, Christ Church, your college is pretty cool, and your meadow isn’t half bad either. Their croquet lawn is, as you might expect, pretty fantastic too. So if you get drawn against a Christ Church four in the final rounds of Cuppers, you ought make the most of it by, at the very least, recreating the notorious Bulling­don Club photo – let’s be honest, you needed a new cover photo anyway.

For the more danger-inclined, our penultimate croquet lawn of choice is the Gladstone Link. I may have lied about the low-stakes croquet be­fore: nothing screams high stakes like avoiding an army of angry finalists and librarians as you set up a unique hybrid of crazy golf and croquet in order to harness the true purpose of the Glad­stone Link’s moving bookshelves. Mr Gladstone himself would certainly have approved.

And rounding off the list is Worcester. Because Emma Watson played croquet there. Probably.

Shake it off: Magdalen win Dancesport Cuppers

Rachel Evans
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Shake it off: Magdalen win Dancesport Cuppers

On Saturday morning, students from across the Oxford colleges, armed with sequins and sass, filled out the floor at Iffley Road gym to compete in this year’s Dance Cuppers, coordinated by the Oxford University Dancesport Club (OUDC).

The competition got off to an energetic start with couples taking to the floor in their eye-catching sparkling dresses and tight shirts. Couples from each college, comprising of at least one inexperienced dancer, competed in fast-moving heats. The competition began with an elegant waltz, but there was a quick change of pace and music as the Cha Cha Cha competitors delighted the numerous friends and family who came to show their support.

After heats in both the Quickstep and Jive, tensions grew as the high-profile judges made their decisions asto who would go through to the next round of heats. Competitors were given some time to cool off as demonstrations were given by both the Komrades, the OUDC’s Rueda dance team, and the OUDC’s rock and roll team, who performed some high energy and captivating routines.

As the couples were whittled down the competitors became more and more enthused to make it to the critical final. The kicks got higher. The turns got faster. The stakes had been raised. The pressure was on as the finalists were announced. The spotlight was on the remaining six couples who battled it out for the title of each of the four dance styles.

The competition was fierce as experienced, inexperienced, male-female partnerships and female-female partnerships each put their own twist on these classic dance styles. However, competitors and spectators had to wait a bit longer to find out who the winners were as the OUDC’s more experienced dancers gave the audience a treat in performing some varsity standard routines.

Finally, the winners were announced and the all-important presentations were made. Magdalen had a brilliant day, winning both best A team and best overall team with a total of 109.5 points. Keble – last year’s runners up – came second with 73 points and Jesus came a close third with 72 points. Andrew Everall and Seana Moon White represented the fantastic turnout of inexperienced dancers winning the best inexperienced couple. Individual congratulations must also go to Dan Bright and Ellie Shearer who won the open Rock and Roll, and to Konstantin Goncharov and Eliza Casapopol who won the open Salsa.

It is fair to say all who participated and watched the competition left with a smile on their face and a skip in their step.

Creaming Spires TT15 Week 4

Anonymous
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Creaming Spires TT15 Week 4

There are, roughly speaking, two conversations you have on Grindr. The first kind is the one you have earlier on in the evening, or when you’re just starting off. You pick profiles with wholesome names like ‘student’, ‘Tim’ or ‘hey there’, and engage in polite chitchat about what he studies, what you’ve been doing today and what films you’re both into. The key thing, however, is that while you’re both there to fuck (it is, technically, possible to be on Grindr and actually be looking for honest-to-goodness coffee dates — I’ve even been on one – but we shall set these aberrances aside), in this conversation no-one must be the first to put sex on the table. 

So, with strategy that would put UN negotiators to shame, it is crucial to be the first one to ask, ‘What are you looking for?’ That way, he has to be the one to bring sex (Grindr lingo: ‘fun’) into the picture, and you can finally drop the worry that you were revealing your harlot ways to an innocent young man who just wanted a gym buddy. 

The other conversation one has on Grindr is the one you have once you get frustrated with that delicate dance. Maybe you take your face off your profile, maybe you shrug and throw caution to the wind. ‘Horny?’ you message every likely candidate (the pool getting older as your standards drop through the night) within five minutes’ biking radius. Exchange a few photos to confirm he has the anatomy you’re interested in and head on over. 

You meet. Horny optimism encounters sober reality, and with no roadmap we revert to the manners our mums taught us, offering drinks and (no, really) sometimes even shaking hands, with a few strained words about the weather outside. Finally you work up the mettle to lean over and make out with this stranger you met two minutes ago, and like a skydiver’s leap it falls into place from there, and – bonus – since you don’t have to care about each other, you can be as selfish as he’ll let you be. Half an hour later you’re back on the street, slightly stickier, lighter on your feet, and wondering if everyone recognises that smug just-got-rimmed expression on your face. 

The vinyl to Grindr’s MP3, gay saunas are an institution many people don’t know still exists. Think men wandering around darkened corridors in only towels (with cheaper or free entry to under-25s, this genuinely isn’t Night of the Living Dead), generally with some sort of steam room, jacuzzi and mattress-sized cubicles (‘cabins’) for privacy. No pretences of delicacy here; it’s all on show: eye contact or a gentle grope as you pass is the favoured statement of intent, and if you’re going at it in a public space you’ll probably look up to find yourself in an impromptu orgy (note: saunas ruin you for Never Have I Ever). Finished, shower off the encounter and find someone new. 

Romantic dry spells I know all about. But going without sex? Sorry: not my style.

When Ms, Miss and Mrs don’t work

Millie Mcluskie
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When Ms, Miss and Mrs don’t work

Unless you are particularly qualified, a Doctor or a Professor for example, you will have to choose your title from a binary mix of Miss, Mrs, Ms or Mr. Not only is the gender specific nature of this selection restrictive for those who do not identify as male or female, but the choices for those who do identify as female are contingent upon their relation to a man. 

A man will almost always be ‘Mr’ – regardless of marital status. A man’s title stands alone, as does he himself. But as a female, I must be addressed according to my relationship, or lack of, with a man. I must be identified as either single and up for grabs, or as married, a man’s possession. Have we really not moved on from the time when women were so subordinated that they could only be referred to in relation to men? 

Even Ms has bad connotations – it seems evasive, a product of this social conditioning that a woman should be married, intimating that Ms is a way to cover up one’s spinsterhood. It is for Misses who are ‘too old’ to be a Miss; and here lies the ageism suffered by women regarding their relationship to men, not endured by men themselves. When a boy comes of age and crosses the threshold into adulthood, he gets to upgrade his title from Master to Mr immediately, on the principle that he is now a ‘man’. He is independent and acquires the superiority of the title ‘Mr’ on account of his age alone. On account of himself, alone. A single man in his forties is a bachelor, a word with all sorts of glamorous connotations – bachelorhood is a choice, a lifestyle, a freedom. Yet the female equivalent, spinsterhood, is reminiscent of decrepit old ladies hoarding cats or snakes or mothballs. 

It is a situation in life that women do not choose, apparently, rather like being picked last in PE lessons, or in this case not being picked at all. And again this antiquated approach to relations between men and women – the latter relegated to passivity – is reinforced by the titles we must pick from – available, taken, I’d rather not say. 

And for those who do not fit the gender binary, there is a wide array of titles – Ind, Misc, M, Mx, Pr – but how often do you see them in the drop-down box for your delivery address? 

There are so many of these gender-neutral titles, yet so few are widely recognised. People are not giving enough attention to the significant portion of our society that does not play by the antiquated and intolerant rules of the binary system currently still in place. Our failure to progress beyond these conventions makes me wonder whether we need titles at all. 

Hasn’t society moved on from the days when a title was a necessary formality? In many professions, being on first name terms is considered positive behavior and the terms Mr, Mrs, Ms etc genuinely provide little added information about a person. There is a strong case for saying that titles are indeed redundant. 

In an atmosphere of greater acceptance of identities that do not conform to the patriarchal norms of a male dominated society, isn’t it about time that we rid ourselves of the titles that restrict us to gender binary roles? Moreover, the continued use of Miss and Mrs consigns those who do identify as female to the patriarchal ideal of a woman as a man’s property; whereas men get upgraded to Mr simply on account of their age. In fact, we hardly hear the distinction between Master and Mr these days – if men can drop this ageist approach to prefixing their name, why can’t women do the same without even more offensively differentiated titles? Why must women be referred to only in relation to men? 

Our society has started to progress out of the patriarchal dark ages to see gender in a more enlightened, open minded and less binary way. There is much more awareness of female emancipation and transgender identification and the more we talk about and engage in this discussion the better.

Athletes fall at final hurdle

Alex Howard
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Athletes fall at final hurdle

Despite Cambridge’s home advantage, spirits were high in the Oxford camp as their athletes travelled to Wilberforce Road for the 141st varsity match. Having regained the trophy last year after a barren spell, the men were hoping to repeat their success, whereas the women looked to overturn a three match losing run, though both knew the result hung finely in the balance.

The day started well for Cambridge, as was expected, as GB hammer thrower Michael Painter led in his favoured event, which proved to be the first of his three wins on the day in the throws. Oxford responded well, though, as captains Sam Trigg and Montana Jackson led from the front with victories in the long jump. Both would follow this result up with further wins, Trigg with a match-record leap of 15.37m and Montana with victories in both the 400m hurdles and the triple jump. In the latter of these, he produced a huge personal best to break 12 metres for the first time and record a place in the top 100 of UK all-time jumps.

President Adam McBraida then continued to provide an example to the team with a victory and Blues standard in the 400m hurdles, despite a brave challenge from Alastair Stanley of Cambridge, who finished only a fraction behind. It was at this point that the first major upset of the day occurred, the first of many marginal battles that Cambridge would unfortunately come out on top in, as Billy Pinder took a hard-fought victory from the front in the 800m, edging out Louis Rawlings in the home straight by 0.07 seconds.

After this, Cambridge started to build momentum, as they subsequently took victory in both the men’s and women’s 100m and 400m, with Alice Kaye and Barney Walker winning excellent 400m races. The victorious Walker was able to avenge his infamous fall five metres from the line in 2014.

The Light Blues then took the narrowest of victories in the men’s 100m, with only the width of a vest separating Isaac Kitchen-Smith from victory, as well as in the high jump and the pole vault. In the high jump, both events were lost on countback, as jumpers from Oxford and Cambridge both cleared the same height, and the same was true in the women’s pole vault, with captain-elect Sam Rawlinson sadly denied victory.

Also in the pole vault, while recovering from wrist surgery following a freak training accident, GB international Rowan May vaulted using only one hand to obtain his full blue, clearing a highly impressive 2.80m. Having been injured for varsity in both of his first two years, Rowan will be hoping to arrive next year fully fit, at his best a 5.25m vaulter.

Oxford then started to re-gather their momentum, but sadly it would be too late to salvage either the women’s or men’s match. In the 1500m, Will Christofi led a hard race from the front for a big PB and a full blue, only just being overhauled by one Cambridge runner who used his finishing speed having been dragged round. Adam McBraida returned to the track for the 200m hurdles, an event that he has made his own the last few years with four successive wins, to take a commanding victory and a second Blues time of the day. George Gundle followed this with a big PB in the 200m flat to avenge his 400m defeat and end a highly prolific Varsity career on a high.

Of particular note in the women’s match for Oxford was Grace Clements, a Commonwealth Games bronze medalist in the heptathlon, who provided strong performances in multiple events in the field, competing against the university where she was an undergraduate.

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Also playing a vital role was Anna Niedbala, who produced a dominating performance in the discus for a comfortable victory. Such performances would sadly not be enough to overturn a terrific Cambridge performance across the board, but provided two varsity matches which many claimed to have been the highest calibre that they had ever seen. The effort that every single athlete put in to their event is typified by Dani Chattenton in the women’s 2000m steeplechase, who briefly fainted with exhaustion at the end of her race, having being pipped for the victory and within a second of the Blues time.

Strong performances would also sadly see Cambridge take both seconds matches in a very closely contested competition. This was despite particularly notable efforts from Ralph Eliot (200m and 400m winner) and Adam Speake (1500m winner), both competing in their last varsity match of prolific Oxford careers.

How to… Defeat fifth week blues

Bex Watson
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How to… Defeat fifth week blues

A gargantuan monster unfurls from its tightly-kept foetal position, and rises its drowsy head, bearing saliva-soaked fangs which reek of lethargy and drunken arguments. That’s right. 5th Week is approaching. 

I don’t know what it is about 5th Week. I don’t know why, or what, or who, or where, or how. But I do know that 5th Week is not for the merry. 

Now over the last few thousands of years, Oxonians have developed several coping techniques for 5th Week Blues. I don’t have time to go over all the tried and failed remedies, instead I come with one new tactic.

So. Right now it’s Friday, which means you’ll be limbering up for 5th Week, and all the tears, pain, exhaustion, and indulgent complaints it entails. At least you think you are.

But of course if you follow the magic words which you are about to read, inscribed upon this good-quality thin material derived from dried pulp with wood n grass n ting in it, then you will never step anywhere near aquamarine, navy, turquoise, teal, or azure. 

You’re going to need to buy some supplies. Your shopping list is as follows:

1. An A5 Diary, where two pages map a week‘s worth of time. 

2. One new black fine-tipped sharpie

3. A pack of five Tesco’s Finest Belgian Deluxe Triple Chocolate cookies

4. Monster Munch

5. An eraser/rubber

So you’ve done your shopping, and you are now sitting in your room. Unpack all your shopping and lay it beside you. Pick up the A5 diary, and turn to the double-page spread which depicts 5th Week. Pick up the rubber. Fiercely rub across the whole page, imagining that you are obliterating the week. This is what some people like to call a metaphor. Never underestimate a metaphor. 

(If at any point someone tries to interrupt you, pick up a pack of Monster Munch (placed handily beside you as I instructed), and throw it instantly at the particular acquaintance who is trying to socialise with you. This will naturally dispel them with ease, either due to the acutely queasy fumes that Monster Munch emits, or the strange fanatic reaction of those Monster Munch obsessors. Who will grab the pack, and scarper, to eat away their soul in peace.)

Once you feel you have sufficiently metaphorised the week, brush the rubber shavings into a neat pile and then rush to the nearest sink and wash wash away. There can’t be a shaving in sight. 

Now obviously the 5th Week is still there. Don’t worry. Use the sharpie and make quick and aggressive swipes across each day’s dated titling. Ha! Fuck you 5th Week. As we know Sundays mark the beginning of the week in Oxford (what is that even about), so at 11.55pm on Saturday, clutch the diary to your chest and chant the colours of the rainbow over and over again. DO NOT SAY BLUE. It’s probably best not to say Indigo either. You can never be too safe.

With good luck, and the right spiritual spheres, life should zoom straight on to 6thWeek. I hope all is more pleasant over there for you.

Oh, and the cookies are for me, as a thank you present. You know where to find me.

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