Friday, May 30, 2025
Blog Page 1289

Creaming Spires: 2nd week Michaelmas

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The other day I met a Judger. I was at a house party where vodka flowed, music rocked, and hot guys kept on popping up like you-know-whats when Jennifer Lawrence walks into a room. Someone had the great idea to turn a bedroom into a nightclub, so that’s where the cool kids charged, me leading the brigade. As soon as the hipsters got removed from music controls, Rihanna’s sexy beats filled the space. After a while of intense dancing with that night’s love of my life — can anyone dance differently when ‘S&M’ is on? — I whispered an invitation. Naturally, it was accepted (and I wouldn’t tell you if it wasn’t because megalomania). And at that point she pulled me aside and delivered the blow.

“What are you doing? Isn’t that a bit slutty?” Now, as an openly promiscuous lady I’m not surprised by this stuff when it comes from narrow-minded people I don’t care about. Normally I would give her a superior look and get on with my fun. Or I would say something involving “independence”, “feminism”, and “I will beat you with a riding crop”. In my world view, people should have as much or as little sex as they want and it’s nobody’s damn business. If you have consent and condoms, do as you please. But I liked this girl, and she was someone whose good opinion I cared about.

Instantly, I started to re-evaluate the evening. Yes, he’s hot and smart and funny and oh boy doesn’t his ass look good in those jeans. Yes, he’s smiling at me in this sexy, sexy way and I want to see him naked right now and I want him to do things to me that I can’t talk about, even in a public sex column. But what about people? I suddenly realised that if we leave together, we’d be noticed by the entire party. What about reputation? Respect? Gossip? Oh god I hate gossip. No, I want no gossip. Better stay here, sip my wine and let Her see that I am a decent member of society who’s definitely not going to be orgasming tonight.

The existential crisis lasted a full five minutes. I began to doubt my entire life and started considering a convent. What saved me was his worried look and my reverence for my own libido. Do I want him? Yes. Will I lose all respect for myself if I listen to a judgemental bitch instead of my own instincts? Hell yes.

So I left with the man and didn’t regret a thing. Her good opinion no longer matters, because she’s lost mine.

Colleges divided as free education debate marches on

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Several colleges have now passed motions to support student attendance at the national demonstration against tuition fees in London, following a similar move by Balliol JCR last week.

Hertford, Worcester, Regents’ Park, and Harris Manchester have passed the motion to send students to the demonstration, while Exeter, St John’s, Wadham and Somerville, amongst others, will vote on similar motions on Sunday. However, not all colleges have accepted the idea. A motion in Jesus College, which would have granted the JCR’s support to OUSU’s £200 involvement in the Free Education Demo failed, with eleven people voting against.

Alexander Proudfoot, Vice-President of Jesus JCR, said, “we discussed the motion in a fair amount of detail and the prevailing opinion, although some did disagree, was that whilst the JCR supports many sections of the [OUSU] motion and a lot of the sentiment behind it, the wording was too loaded on many issues and the motion had too much bound up in it for us to agree with it in its entirety.”

He added, “we made a note, and voted in support of this note, that although we do not support this OUSU motion we are critical of the current fee system, current government policy towards higher eduction, and are supportive of student activism.”

Hertford, meanwhile, will be donating £150 towards travel costs from its political campaigns fund to take students to the demonstration on November 19th, up one-third from the £100 originally requested in the motion.

The motion, proposed by second-year English student Charlie Jarvis, cites a recent decision abolishing tuition fees in Germany in comparison with speeches by several MPs and Andrew Hamilton, the University Vice Chancellor, calling for uncapped or raised fees, arguing that that, “either our system is going to continue down the road towards an American-style model of private universities with uncapped fees, or we can take it closer to a German model of free, public and accessible education.”

The motion, which is being used in many colleges, characterises the NUS’s policy as “a campaign for a new deal for education, that is free, publicly-funded, accessible, and funded by greater progressive taxation and clamping 

down on tax avoidance”, and claims that, “in order to fund tuition fees, the Government can now expect to loan in excess of £10 billion per year, much of which it will never recover. Fees act as a deterrent to access, making education seem unaffordable to some.” It also points to recent successful campaigns by the NUS, such as last year’s cancelled sale of the student loan book.

Hertford JCR President Josh Platt explained, “We had a brilliant debate in our JCR meeting about free education on Sunday, in which absolutely loads of people were able to express their views. I think this shows how important it is for JCR representatives to have proper consulation with their members before going to OUSU Council; I now have a much clearer idea about the stance Hertford wishes to take, and I’m looking forward to presenting those views to the rest of the student community at the University. Hertford’s JCR is very keen to send a strong message to the government; the status quo is not acceptable, and whether it be through free education or a different funding formula for higher education, there is now a need for major change in higher education policy in this country.”

Charlie Jarvis, who proposed the motion, said, “It is crucial that we join the fight against the marketisation of our education system, and I believe the NUS are the right people to lead us in this. It was fantastic to see such a huge turnout at the meeting, and the debate was really lively and inclusive. A good £150 was pledged to support students attending demo on November 19th, and two of Hertford’s three votes at OUSU will be used to support the policy when it is debated again at Council next week. Despite a difference in opinion on the details of the motion itself, what appeared unanimous was the dissatisfaction with the path down which the current government is heading with regards to higher education.”

OUSU Disability Officer James Elliot, who first put the motion to OUSU, said, “I’m delighted that several more JCRs have joined the fight for free education by pledging support. This is a great time for Oxford students to be discussing how education should be funded, its place in society and how we fight to scrap the current system of fees, privatisation and debt.” 

Cocktails with Cai

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After last week’s appallingly mainstream choice, this week’s cocktail is one shrouded in mystery, and its origins remain unknown. Yet another delightful import from the days of Prohibition, the Jack Rose is said to have come
from a watering-hole in the city of House of Cards itself — Washington
D.C. Despite having appeared in the Hemingway novel called The Sun Also Rises, it has fallen out of fashion and off the menus; hence why you’ll be hard pressed to find it anywhere in Oxford. Its rarity is partly due to the scarcity
of its main ingredient, Applejack, which is basically only found in North America and had its heyday during the American Colonial Period.

Made by concentrating cider to the heady strength of around 40%, this spirit isn’t one you’ll find in your local Co-op next to its own brand dry white wine. There is, in fact, only one company still trading that sells the stuff. Apple Brandy, in this case, is your best bet and I would recommend going for the more expensive stuff. You are just too old for cheap and nasty alcohol. Regular readers of the column (shoutout to my mother and my long-suffering tutor) might recognize my predilection for sour cocktails — indeed, House Bar know to start making a Lemon and Thyme as soon as I walk in — and the Jack Rose is no exception.

You’ll struggle to find this one on even the most sophisticated of cocktail menus, but feel free to give it a go with whatever motley band of ingredients you can cobble together in Tesco, it’s well worth heading back to the ‘20s to sample this concoction.

2 measures applejack / apple brandy

1 measure lemon juice

Half a measure of grenadine

Council unveils plans for Oxford bus tunnel

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OXFORDSHIRE COUNTY COUNCIL LEADER Ian Hudspeth has unveiled drastic plans to drill a tunnel beneath the city centre for buses, in an attempt to ease congestion.

The proposed tunnel, estimated by experts to cost over £500million, would reach from St Clements to the train station and would involve digging beneath the High Street.

The proposal, according to Hudspeth, is inspired by the Metro Bus Tunnel built in Seattle in 1990, and would be used by a system of electric buses and cyclists, leaving the road above fully pedestrianised.

Another radical proposal includes building a perpendicular tunnel, running between St Giles and St Aldates.

Considering the Council’s transport strategy up to 2020, Hudspeth explained, “Given the sheer scale of the growth and change that lies ahead for Oxford, we have to approach things in a radical way. These are not detailed plans, they remain ideas and they remain uncosted.

“Some of the ideas we are looking at might seem massive in scope and cost, but other cities around the world have delivered ambitious projects to solve their transport problems. So why not Oxford?”

OUSU President Louis Trup, whose election manifesto last year pledged to push forward plans for an Oxford monorail system, said he was “glad that Councillor Ian Hudspeth is continuing to look into solutions to Oxford’s transport issues.”

Speaking to Cherwell, Trup explained, “I welcomed Councillor Hudspeth’s comments in April at the ‘Oxfordshire Connect’ event where he proposed a monorail as one solution, following on from ideas I proposed in November last year. I will be meeting with him soon to representing the student view on such projects alongside Ruth Meredith, OUSU’s Vice-President for Charities and Community.”

With a nod to The Simpsons, Trup continued, “Hopefully Oxford will soon become the UK’s more successful version of Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.”

Construction would almost certainly affect the High Street colleges. Oxford Civic Society chairman Peter Thompson explained that medieval cellars and tunnels, the foundations of listed college buildings, together with pipes and wiring, would mean tunnelling would have to be deep.

He explained, “We agree that a radical solution is required and admire Mr Hudspeth for his blue sky thinking. But before any serious money is spent on looking at this, some careful consideration needs to be given to the cost of tunnelling.”

The University itself has refused to comment until more details have been announced, with a spokesperson stating, “We are not aware of these proposals, and will be happy to look at them.”

This is not the first radical solution proposed by the Council leader — in July, Hudspeth suggested the idea of running trams or a monorail along the A40. 

Not much naked Ambition

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No one has pulled off personal branding quite so well as Jamie Oliver, who has managed to make a vast sum of money without being accused of “selling out” or of not being a “proper Cockney bloke”. Grayson Perry described Jamie Oliver as “the God of Class Mobility” and looking around this restaurant, I can see why. There are people from all walks of life, looking to eat comfort food that they couldn’t make at home. Personally, I probably wouldn’t say there was a particularly authentic “Italian” ambiance but it is very welcoming, as well as not being claustrophobic despite being situated underground. My only issues are that there is no partition wall between the pizzeria and restaurant, and they should really change the door — customers leave through a fire exit. Those who are looking to have a romantic supper might find the tiny dining area too exposed for comfort.

However, the cosy, relaxed atmosphere, with soft booth seating at the back for larger groups, makes for an enjoyable evening. As antipasti we had olives (£2) — bright green, juicy Sicilian and purplish-brown Niçoises, which complemented each other brilliantly. Since there is nothing more unforgivable than a poor quality olive plate, we were off to a good start. We drank ‘tap water’ which was delivered without the usual snideness or roll of the eyes. The waitress was always near at hand, and the swift service was probably more due to the relative emptiness of the restaurant (it was a weekday) and small size of the room than wanting to shoo us out.

I opted for the ‘Oxford Hot’, the pizza with chillies (normally £10), while my friend ordered the ‘Funghi’, mushrooms with tarragon (normally £9). For an extra £1 per topping you could add more, but we had come for the £5 meal deal, and were content enough with the combinations on offer. The menu is short, but not limited and the offerings seem modern, but traditional and tasty enough to not be intimidating.

The ‘Oxford Hot’ had fresh chillies in abundance, but luckily they didn’t overpower the other ingredients; salty salami and fennel. The pizza crust was too dry for my liking, but it had just the right amount of sauce and topping to keep it moist and not too much so that it flopped and slid off when you held it with your fingers. As for the spiciness, the pizza was true to its title, with a juicy, meaty flavour simmering from the salami. My friend’s ‘Funghi’ pizza had thick mushroom paste as a base, fresh tarragon, and whole, bite-sized mushrooms. Superb.

To round off our meal, we shared an affogato (£4), which is a shot of espresso poured over a scoop of honeycomb ice cream. The cloying creaminess countered the bitterness of the coffee, and provided for a lovely post-meal cleansing of the palate. This restaurant was the first of Jamie’s Italian restaurants in the UK, and it does very well for itself.  altogether it was a good-but-not-great experience. The flavour combinations were interesting enough and the service was irreproachable, but without the pizza deal we got it definitely is not as cheap, and it’s not
great value either. The deal runs until the 30th November, and, to be honest, I can’t really see myself going back after it’s over, it’s just too expensive.

The whole package is basically the Jamie Oliver: brand on a plate — it’s not bad, just not particularly daring. This is safe food in a safe ambiance but there is nothing that will really push a true gourmand out of their comfort zone. All in all, a nice evening out, but not one to write home about.

OUSU in trouble over Mi-Voice handling

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Colleges have been left in confusion after OUSU withdrew the online voting system Mi-Voice without informing JCRs, failing to get an alternative system up and running in time for the new term.

The Student Union’s failure to renew the service’s subscription — following difficulties with the system over the botched NUS referendum vote in May — also means that, for colleges whose constitution only permits an online vote, JCR elections have had to be postponed. Somerville and Oriel, who were hoping to hold JCR elections in second week, have had to opt for a paper ballot system.

Wadham’s SU, meanwhile, has had to postpone elections due to take place this week. Andrew McKay, who is currently assuming Returning Officer (RO) responsibilities following the resignation of Vice President Alex Walker, explained that nobody on last year’s committee was informed of the fact that the Mi-Voice subscription would be cancelled. He confirmed to Cherwell that he submitted an official complaint over OUSU President Louis Trup’s handling of the situation.

He stated, “We feel particularly let down by OUSU that we weren’t properly informed of this change. It has caused a great deal of inconvenience and means that we go into week two without being able to elect a Vice President or a Charities, Environment and Ethics Officer which are both important positions on our SU. We want to know why common rooms were seemingly not informed of this change.”

After making a complaint to OUSU, the Student Union suggested that they hold no responsibility for common room elections, as each common room is independent.

In response, McKay told Cherwell, “Given OUSU do provide common rooms with the platform upon which they elect officers, they should have informed us that they were cancelling the subscription and moving to a new system. By not doing this properly, they have caused much disruption in the common rooms that they are meant to represent.”

McKay added, “Because we were not informed of the cancellation of Mi-Voice, we couldn’t complete the election for a Vice President, which means we are still Vice President-less two weeks into term.”

Wadham is not alone in their frustrations. St Edmund Hall RO, Omar Rana, commented, “It is very annoying to see that Mi-Voice, which is an essential resource used by Teddy Hall to administer our elections, has failed to work, without there being any communication with JCR returning officers, whatsoever. I hope that whatever went wrong will be resolved as soon as possible”. However, another JCR Returning Officer, who wished to remain anonymous was more critical: “It is just intolerable. My JCR isn’t alone in relying on the Mi-Voice software to conduct our elections smoothly and Louis Trup’s failure to notify us in a timely order has meant that we are having to change the rules in a needlessly rushed and chaotic way”

In a statement, Trup explained, “Our mistake was in not being more transparent about the work going on to make this happen. We apologise to the colleges for any inconvenience caused and will notify you as soon as the elections module is available.”

Meanwhile, Somerville were hoping to hold an election on Thursday of second week for a new Domestic Officer, planning to run the election online. However, after discovering the loss of Mi-Voice, Somerville’s JCR Returning Officer Joe Smith told Cherwell that the “contingency plan was to run a paper ballot”. 

He explained, “Regrettably, no nominations were received for the position anyway so we’re going to be re-running the ballot in third week. I am in contact with OUSU over whether an online system will be rolled out in time. If not, we will have no choice but to run a paper ballot again.

“In terms of the delay in renewing the online system, I have been told that it is due to the University’s encountering difficulties in releasing the data to OUSU so that it can roll a new online system out to colleges.”

Oriel were also hoping to run an election for their Facilities Officer this week. RO George Wiffin told Oriel JCR, “When I went to create the Facilities Election yesterday on Mi-Voice it told me that our lease ran out in August. This lease is given to us from OUSU, but when contacted yesterday evening, they replied telling us that ‘it’s not up and running yet, but will be by Sixth Week’, which isn’t exactly helpful.”

After looking at alternatives, Wiffin decided to “run the election using a ballot box the ol’ fashioned way”.

OUSU’s cancellation of its subscription to the e-voting service Mi-Voice — a service previously used by both colleges and OUSU for online elections — follows an incident last May when the NUS referendum election result was declared void after electoral malpractice came to light.

The election, carried out using the service provided by Mi-Voice, saw over one thousand fake ballots being cast. A Proctors’ report on the alleged electoral malpractice was apparently due to be released earlier this term, but as yet remians unpublished.

However, OUSU has admitted it did not intend for JCRs to be without a replacement online system at the beginning of term. OUSU President Louis Trup told Cherwell, “OUSU was working on a new and secure voting system over the long vac and had hoped to be able to launch it during Fresher’s Week. 

“Unfortunately, this has not been possible due to the complexities of the data and its ownership. We have put all available resources into resolving the issues as soon as possible.”

Speaking to affected colleges, Trup assured students that a replacement system would be working “in the coming days. In the meantime, we will be discussing the issue with common room presidents this week and our Democratic Support Officer will be available to provide advice.”

The University itself was quick to remind OUSU of their responsibilities to ensure elections run smoothly. A spokesperson told Cherwell, “The University Proctors take student democracy and the legitimacy of student democratic processes very seriously. OUSU is responsible for those processes and is keeping the Proctors updated on what steps it is taking to ensure the fair and transparent conduct of elections this year.”

A similar situation threatens to causes difficulties at Brasenose, where elections for the role of JCR President are scheduled to take place on Tuesday of Third Week. Their constitution states, “Voting will be by means of the online Mi-Voice system between 9am and 7pm on the day in question.”

Brasenose’s RO and JCR President were both however unavailable for comment. 

“This running malarkey was harder than I had anticipated"

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Standing a few metres back from the start line of the Oxford Half Marathon, I thought back to the optimistic moment when I had applied. This moment had come four months ago and I had most definitely changed my mind since then. I looked around me at thousands of fit-looking people — I cer- tainly didn’t feel fit, I wasn’t prepared and I definitely wasn’t ‘in the zone’. In fact, to this day I’m not really sure what ‘the zone’ is. As the gun fired, I gritted my teeth and tried to look determined, but this attempt failed miserably and photos show a girl looking terrified and already completely exhausted as she jogs over the start line.

When I first entered the Oxford Half Marathon I had expected it to be a bit of a breeze. I’m not a particularly good runner, but I have always liked to think that this lack of ability is a choice and that I could run well if I actually wanted to. Unfortunately, as I learnt quite early on in training, I was mistaken and, actually, this running malarkey seemed to be quite a lot harder than I had anticipated. However, instead of training hard to combat this, to break through the wall that runners always seem to talk about, I opted for denial instead. When I stumbled home after a ‘five mile’ run feeling like I was about to die, I told myself that it wasn’t because I wasn’t training hard enough, rather it was because the route I had run was obviously far longer than Google Maps said. Looking back now, that was a fundamental error.

So back to race day, the Oxford event attracted over 6,000 runners, some so fast that they looked like they need to be careful not to break the speed limit when running on country roads. Many runners, myself included, were running for charity, which was an excellent motivation in the tougher parts of the race. I was running, or staggering, after about six miles, for Still the Hunger, a charity which provides incredible support for people with mental health difficulties. It was incredible to think of the amount of money being raised overall by people doing the race and I found myself feeling huge admiration for the people in front of me, behind me and all around me. Also, the route was lined from start to finish with supporters cheering on runners. This was really important because, whilst I had earphones in and couldn’t hear anything they were saying, I was far too proud to let anyone see me walking and so was forced to keep running (although probably at a pace slower than most people’s walking speed) the whole way. Admittedly I did have a brief existential crisis when the two hour pacemaker jogged past me.

However, for the most part, it was definitely the people around me rather than my own ability that carried me through the race.

I staggered over the finish line after two hours and three minutes (nearly an hour after the first placed runner finished) feeling like I was about to collapse and hugely relieved to finally sit down. Once I let my friends know I was finished I almost immediately got a phone call from a running enthusiast friend who had promised I was going to love the run and would want to do a full marathon next. “I’m right aren’t I?” she exclaimed down the phone, “You’ll definitely do a marathon now?” “No.” was my blunt and certain reply, “No I most certainly will not. Why on earth would anybody run a half marathon and then think that double the distance is a good idea?” This remained my opinion for the next few days as I hobbled around Oxford unable to ride a bike.

But, as the aches reduced they were replaced with a certain restlessness, a rather unsettling nagging sensation that just maybe I shouldn’t retire quite yet. I look back on the race today and whilst I remember that it was rather painful, there is a certain joy attached to it, a sense of achievement that suggests maybe the pain was worth it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I will be signing up for a marathon immediately af- ter finishing this article (although it probably wouldn’t be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done), but in the not too distant future, watch this space… 

Lack of FOMO as ticket sales drop

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Hundreds of tickets for this year’s Freshers’ Week were left unsold, leaving several colleges with a non-refundable surplus.

College Entertainment (Entz) reps and Freshers’ Week committees found themselves unable to sell vast numbers of tickets, having pre-bought them all from the two main club night companies, Shuffle Nights Ltd and FOMO.

Lady Margaret Hall Freshers’ rep Alessandro Venerandi admitted, “Both companies state before the sale of tickets that they can’t be refunded – unfortunately, ticket sales were down from previous Freshers’ Weeks, acrosss all four years.”

It is not only LMH that has experienced difficulties in shifting all of the tickets purchased for sale in Freshers’ Week. Jesus, Oriel and Keble have all reportedly undersold. FOMO CEO Piers Rhys-Lodwick, told Cherwell that two colleges did not manage to sell all of the tickets they had purchased from FOMO for the night of Thursday 9th October, at The Bridge nightclub on Hythe Bridge Street.

One of these colleges was Keble, who, Rhys-Lodwick explained, “only did one night with us, but they ended up with sixty tickets left over. However, our policy is not to refund pre-sale tickets bought for Freshers’ Week, as the revenue from ticket sales contributes towards DJs, equipment, decor and staff. We hired Ministry of Sound DJs for some nights in Freshers’ Week, and one DJ came all the way from Manchester. We can’t turn them away if colleges don’t sell all of their tickets.”

Rhys-Lodwick also added that Keble, and the second (anonymous) college who undersold on the Thursday of Freshers’ Week, were able to sell some tickets on the door that night. However, as most tickets are sold on a pre-sale basis, this approach “wasn’t very successful”, according to the FOMO CEO.

FOMO does not have written contracts binding a college to sell a certain number of tickets, and while they are willing to negotiate refunds if cancellations are made far enough in advance, the short length of Freshers’ Week means that JCR committees must therefore buy a number of tickets based on sales records of previous years.

Shuffle Nights Ltd reported that the company hadn’t been aware of any colleges under-selling tickets in Freshers’ Week. Shuffle C.E.O. Toby Baker said, “All of our twenty-three events hit capacity so I don’t suspect any colleges failed to sell too many tickets.”

Agreeing with Baker, Shuffle’s Hannah Robinson told Cherwell, “We had probably the highest attendance for Freshers’ Week in the last five years, with twenty three sold out events. There are always a couple of colleges which don’t sell all of their tickets, but hardly any at all that I have heard of from this year.”

One third year commented, “I know Freshers’ Week events aren’t exactly aimed at my age group, but they seem to have lost their charm. I mean, Freshers’ Flu is a phrase for a reason.”

Swimmers about to dive in to Cuppers

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After a truly successful summer for Oxford University Swimming Club, during which five members of OUSC and one member of OUMPA took part in the biennial Varsity Channel Swim, braving nine hours of the icy, jellyfish-infested depths of the Channel, the swimmers are back with a splash with what many are hailing as the sporting event of the year — Swimming Cuppers 2014.

A novice-only event (Blues swimmers are only allowed to swim in relays), Cuppers is open to competitors of all abilities — honestly, it wouldn’t be Cuppers without the annual display of a perfected doggy paddling ability. My advice for success: go for quantity over quality; participation is key, with every student placing earning at least one point for their college.

Events include the men’s and women’s 100m Individual Medley (a combination of all four strokes), 50m races in Butterfly, Backstroke, Breaststroke and Freestyle, and finally the Freestyle and Medley relays.

No doubt reigning champions Magdalen will be hoping to defend the prestigious title, after facing tough competition from Queen’s and New last year — they clinched the title by just six points. Other teams to look out for in- clude the somewhat dubious ‘St Matthew’s College’ who placed a respectable sixth last year. So if you’re interested be sure to contact your college or just turn up (with a swimming costume) at 5pm this Saturday (25th October).

Cuppers is just the start of a busy season for OUSC. The following week, Oxford will par- take in their annual ‘Friendly Gala’ at Iffley Road, competing against Warwick, Nottingham, Southampton and London. Later on in the month, the swimmers will be heading up to Sheffield to compete at BUCS Short Course Championships, and then a select team will be in action in Norwich, facing the Tabs for the first time this season, amongst various other universities in Division One of Southern Regional Qualifying Round of BUCS Team Championships.

With a strong crop of new freshers, OUSC are hoping to retain the Varsity trophy for the fourth year running, and improve upon their impressive 7th nationally placed position at BUCS Team Championships. 

Table toppling start to term for Oxford History Society

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The History Society has been left legless this week as valuable table legs were stolen from an antique table in the Merton MCR on Friday 17 October. The legs were only returned on Wednesday following a university-wide appeal, and an amnesty offered for their return.

On Friday, the History Society hosted its opening event of the academic year, marketed as a ‘free-flowing’ cocktail soirée.

A pre-event message from the History Society read, “Come on down to Merton MCR at 8.30pm tonight for our termly cocktails. Entry is only £1 for members, £4 for non-members for unlimited cocktails. Also, don’t miss out on the chance to buy lifetime for the discounted price of £12.”

Such incentives at first seemed to have paid off, with the event being packed. Some disgruntled freshers were even turned away due to the popularity of the event. The evening began smoothly, with the History Society managing to get plenty of legs through the door. One student present told Cherwell, “It was strictly standing room only, though the event was hardly rowdy.” Only subsequently was it discovered that an antique table had been severely damaged.

History Society members were alarmed when the following afternoon they received an email informing them that “during the course of the evening, a table was broken and the legs have disappeared.” The email stressed, “It is essential we retrieve the missing table legs,” asking members to contact either Emily Ellis or Tom McPherson, the two co-presidents of the Society, if they knew anything about the whereabouts of the legs. The email also promised not to hold anyone “responsible for the damage”.

By late afternoon on Sunday, little progress had been made. Another email was sent to the Society’s mailing list, this time filled with bold type. The presidents announced the legs of the table were still missing and stressed, “it is extremely important that we find them.” The email also revealed the Society was liable for the cost of the damage if the legs could not be found, and would have to “pay extensive financial costs.”

Although the person responsible for the breaking of the valuable antique table had by this stage come forward, it took several days for the legs to be returned. Repeated searches of the room took place, and they were nowhere to be found on the Merton MCR premises. In a statement, the two student co-presidents explained, “We can only conclude that someone else either threw them away or took them when they left the event.”

The email continued, “If you have any information about the table legs, even if they were thrown away, we would be very grateful to know what happened to them.”

Emily Ellis, meanwhile, was keen to dispel the idea that the event was out of control. She told Cherwell, “The History Society would like to say that while there were problems with overcrowding and we had to turn many people away, the event was certainly not rowdy. During the course of the evening a small table was overly leaned on and accidentally broken.

“At a later point in the evening the two table legs that had broken off the table disappeared. The History Society does not hold anyone who attended the event responsible but would greatly appreciate any information on the whereabouts of the table legs as we are still looking for them.”

The History Society can now, however, rest easy — on Wednesday afternoon, co-president Thomas McPherson informed Cherwell that “the table legs have now been found, so there’s no need to issue an appeal for their return”.

Merton College and the Merton MCR could not be reached for comment. For the History Society, it was quite literally a leg-breaking start to the academic year.