Sunday, May 11, 2025
Blog Page 1439

Lou Reed (1942-2013)

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The death of a 71 year old former Rock n Roll star and heroin addict shouldn’t come as a surprise, but Lou Reed was a man who lived to shock. After all, the artist who thrust the deepest pits of the underground into the public domain and released a ‘screw you’ 2 hour album of pure feedback was hardly going to give the people what they wanted.

Lou Reed was an outsider from the start. 1967’s The Velvet Underground and Nico was released within a year of classics such as Pet Sounds, Blonde on Blonde and Sgt Pepper; albums that would define an era of flower-power imagination and love. The Velvets instead – with their tales of nihilistic excess – would come to define the future of rock n roll. Where other groups experimented with orchestras and overdubs, Reed and Cale’s band stripped rock n roll back to its raw potential. David Bowie, Morrissey, Iggy Pop, The Ramones, The Smiths, Joy Division, The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys and countless others have all professed the direct influence Lou Reed’s music had on their own. The whole landscape of modern music would be unrecognisable without the impact Reed had on Glam, Punk and Pop. With 45 years of hindsight, his influence truly was profound.

Reed implemented a fresh kind of honesty to rock n roll music with often unnervingly candid lyrics and simply structured, three chord songs. It was this talent as a song writer that enabled The Velvets to seamlessly switch between the full-bloodedness of White Light/White Heat to the more tender tracks such as Pale Blue Eyes without ever seeming contrived.

His solo work will always be remembered for two of the greatest all time pop classics in Walk on the Wild Side and Perfect Day though he was never a pop artist. Reed was always selfish in his work, only writing for himself. He would frequently disregard the desires of critics, fans and record labels. Berlin was hardly the pop follow up to Transformer that was anticipated at the time but it’s rediscovery as a forgotten great this last decade has cemented Reed’s legacy as a timeless songwriter. For better or worse, he was always original (at least that’s a way to excuse Metal Machine Music).

Reed’s death has impacted the music community unlike many others before him. Once they survive past 27, these rock legends seem like almost eternal figures, a continual reference point for generation after generation. No one saw one of alternative culture’s corner stones being removed so suddenly. After years shaping alternative culture whilst remaining so enigmatic, it’s strange to think that Reed was mortal after all. It even casts into doubt the other worldly magic of his surviving contemporaries, and who could ever replace such figures as Reed, Dylan and Bowie. If Reed started an alternative revolution, perhaps his death also symbolises its end.

In tribute to Reed, Morrissey wrote that “his music will outlive time itself”, it had started to feel that rock’s ultimate survivor would do too. 

Review: Solo

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The promise of a new addition to the James Bond franchise brings with it expectations of beautiful women, fast cars, alcoholic excess and plenty of action. However, the latest offering from William Boyd places Bond’s own character firmly in the foreground, creating a much more complex and human incarnation of the agent the majority feel so familiar with.

The novel opens with Bond in the streets of Chelsea, but he is soon sent off into the jungles of Africa, finally ending up in Washington DC. Sent on a mission to end a brutal civil war in the fictional country of Zanzarim, he quickly finds himself part of a much wider plan to extract the country’s new-found oil reserves. Confronted with his mirror-image nemesis, Jakobus Breed, (Jacobus being the Latin name for James), Bond jumps from journalistic investigation to military action.

This, however, is where the book falls down the most. The plot is not only confusing but seemingly anti-climactic. Bond’s final showdown comprises him simply taking out three incompetent guards and confronting Breed.
For a reader who is used to the modern blockbuster, it all seems a little unassuming.

However, the author comes into his own when he explores the character of Bond himself. Rather than blasting his way into the villain’s volcano lair, he must rely on his own skills and experience in a much more nuanced way. Boyd’s use of a grizzled, middle aged Bond allows him to construct a character who is much more complex than we might expect. In fact, it is a slightly sad figure that is created; the book opens with Bond hungover and alone in the Dorchester Hotel after a night drinking by himself and lusting over a young woman.

Yet this Bond is still the cruel and in many ways cold character of Fleming’s creation. It should not be forgotten that the brutal torture scene from the Casino Royale film that drew criticism for its violence is taken directly from Fleming’s own novel. Bond demonstrates his  desires to exact revenge on those who have done him wrong, taking risks to ensure his enemies feel as much pain as possible.

Solo is a book that delights in many ways but disappoints in others. Boyd carries Bond smoothly from the excess of the Dorchester Hotel to the African jungle with only a few hiccoughs along the way, yet it seems that a more cohesive plot would be required in order to really hold everything together. Fortunately, Boyd’s wonderfully complex 007 ensures that the book still manages to do justice to the world’s most famous spy.

Solo is published by Jonathan Cape and available here

Bassam’s road to Brighton Peer

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Some roles in British politics are well known and with them wield a great deal of influence, like that of the Prime Minister, the Chancellor and the Leader of Opposition. The Queen, whilst not retaining any political power, is a very visible figure to the British public.

Then there are some people who are not so much in the gaze of the public eye but have a lot to do and wield a lot of influence. It these figures, who perhaps have the most interesting jobs in British politics.

Lord Steve Bassam, Labour Chief Whip in the House of Lords is one such politician. Not only that, but Lord Bassam is a seasoned veteran of local government in Brighton, and one of the shining stars of Britain’s political twitterati. These reasons make him an ideal character to interview.

I managed to meet Lord Bassam last Thurs- day at an OULC speaker’s event at Balliol college. He addresses questions and answers really well, firing off relevant, concise and inci- sive responses. At the end of the talk he seems genuinely disappointed that there are no more questions; I choose to take this as a good omen for our interview.

I ask him first how his long political career got started. “My first piece of politics involved an argument with my mum who ran the local village hall in Great Bentley where I grew up. She favoured it being sited on the village green. I disagreed, thinking that open spaces should be protected. The parish council decided on a referendum on the issue and I campaigned against. My side won. My mother got the hump for a day or two but eventually she started talking to me and she said I might have been right. 

Following an academic career at the University of Kent and the University of Sussex, where he attained a masters degree in social work, Lord Bassam moved to Brighton. In the years afterwards he had some interesting experi- ences; unable to find housing in Brighton he had to squat for a time: “After I left university together with a group of friends I started up the Brighton and Hove Squatters Union. We campaigned to bring empty property into use and squatted in houses all over Brighton. It was a somewhat precarious existence.

“You never knew, when you came home, if you were going to find your possessions on the pavement or not. It was good fun and good politics because it made the point about using empty homes to house homeless people and was a practical solution at the same time.”

Eventually he was able to take up a place as a councillor in the local government of Brighton and Hove, a very unique town to govern. He acted as leader of the council from 1987 to 1999.

“Running Brighton and Hove was fun. We had a good team of councillors by the middle of the 1980s but the council was not well run and had poor financial control. The govern- ment took control of the council’s finances through rate capping in the year before Labour took over.

“We had a strong vision and new ideas about how the town should be run, but services weren’t well run. It had no communications output, no sense of direction or purpose and little connection with the voluntary sector or businesses. There was no sense of civic leadership and the place felt like it was in decline. Our mission was to improve services, modernise the town, rebuild its tourist and conference business appeal and make it the place to be, as it is now.

“I think we achieved that and ran the council well through until 2007.”

Following the 1997 Labour general election victory, he was created a life peer, as Baron Bassam of Brighton in the House of Lords. The House of Lords is something of a distant ‘eccen- tric auntie’ in British politics, and we certainly do not hear as much about it as the Commons. Nonetheless, it still remains an important or- gan in the British constitution, and important decisions do continue to be debated. I ask him for his thoughts on the very unique culture that is present in parliament’s second chamber:

“The Lords is often in the news, just this week Labour peers together with cross benchers defeated the government on its Care Bill, insisting on inserting a dignity clause through ap- plying human rights legislation.

“It does a good job in revising legislation and tries to shine a light on the murkier aspects of the government. As an opposition we use so- cial media to get our message across — worth a follow on @LabourLordsUK…”

“We have to work across party to achieve political results. But our frustration is that however hard we work to win, the government seems determined to 

use its Commons major- ity to ignore the issues. I like the Lords reputation for quirkiness and being a place where intelligent questions are asked.”

“The Lords has some well known celebrities amongst its members. People like Alan Sugar, Melvyn Bragg, David Puttnam, Joan Bakewell and Robert Winston. Also great wits like George Foulkes and Bruce Grocott — who less people will have heard of, but who are great parliamentarians. The other great thing about the Lords is that it is full of surprises.”

“Labour members struggle to get used to the Lords. It’s so much a part of the political establishment and grand to boot. It’s rules are arcane, people bark at you if you stand or sit in the wrong place and it is full of posh people. Once you get over that you really start to enjoy working there.”

In an interview with a senior figure in the Lords one must ask how the Lords should or might be changed in the future. He responds: “Lords reform should start from a different place — by looking at what is needed from both Houses of parliament.

“I favour reform and the creation of a more obviously democratic House. The last two attempts have been flawed because they failed to democratise and did not make the Lords more accountable. They were unclear about the place of the second chamber in a democracy. The House is getting too big. The Tories are stuffing it with donors and their cronies which are an abuse of the system.”

Lord Bassam’s role as Labour chief whip is an interesting one. For some people, the image of ‘chief whip’ is that of the menacing ‘Malcom Tucker’, of someone who drags MPs into parliament late at night with the threat of exposure their dirty secrets (kept in a little black book), to ensure that they vote the right way. He as- sures me that this far from the truth.

“I’m no Malcolm Tucker but I am firm about discipline, I want to ensure Labour defeats bad law and bad policies but I accept that ours is a revising chamber. Do I have a black book? No, but I do keep lists and I am very watchful. I pre- fer persuasion rather than bullying behaviour, which I disapprove of in politics.”

Whilst the Lords is an age old institution, dating back to the middle ages, Lord Bassam is also a key player in one of the newest insti- tutions in British political life, that of Twitter. Along with Douglas Carswell, he is one of the foremost UK politicians on the micro-blogging site. I ask him what his thoughts are on the im- pact of social media on UK politics.

“Twitter is a great thing in political life. It helps open up and to democratise our system and enables us all to shed light where there is darkness in our politics. My guess is that it will grow in usage. In the Lords, a House where the average age of members is 66, there are over 100 peers on Twitter. 45 of them are Labour, which is nearly a quarter of our group. It will hopefully help parties to communicate better. One day Twitter will bring down a Government.”

Lord Bassam’s life on Twitter took an inter- esting turn when he became involved in a bitter dispute with Green councillors in Brighton in the winter of 2011-2012. As Brighton, like Oxford, has a large Green representation on its council, I am interested to know what his opin- ions are on the relationship between different parties on the left of British politics:

“The Greens are an impediment to progressive politics in my experience. Their council in Brighton and Hove has introduced massive cuts when they promised they wouldn’t and they have become reliant on privatised services.

“They tried cutting the pay of low paid street cleaners and refuse workers and provoked a week long strike which affected local businesses badly. They have a bad recycling record and now have a reputation for wasting public funds. I knew they were barmy when I discovered they opposed the expansion of our beautiful football stadium and were going to put up ‘en- ergy’ saving solar powered palm trees on the seafront with a payback period of 250 years. They can’t run a successful council and in my view they give radical politics a bad name.”

Finally I ask him what lessons he has learnt over his long and very rich career: “I hope I have learned to respect other people’s views, learned to take on a degree of humility and that ultimately to put our trust in the electorate. I have also learnt that the fight against the rich and powerful takes many subversive turns, especially in the House of Lords.” 

Creaming Spires

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When my esteemed friend asked me to write this week’s column, I decided in the name of research to go out and do some extreme investigative journalism. Reasoning that as a fully grown bisexual man who had never once slept with another gent, I figured I would overcome my inhibitions and head to Plush.

Now, I’d always imagined my first sexual experience with a guy would be romantic and tender – yet clearly this was off the cards as the moment I got a man through my front door, he dropped his trousers and uttered the affectionate phrase: ‘suck it’.

Not wishing to disappoint a fellow with such clear priorities, I made an attempt at doing so. Chaps, if you think going down on a cock is an easy and enjoyable task for your sexual partner, then you’re mistaken. There’s a reason they call it a job. Clearly my effort was all to no avail as he just grunted disapprovingly, ‘not let teeth get in the way’ (Funnily enough it’s quite hard to do that, actually, as they’re located in annoying proximity to my mouth).

I suggested we move to the bed. Obliging, he lay me down, pinned my arms to the pillow (another romantic twist) and gazed deep into my eyes as he rubbed his Member up and down on the inside of my leg. Now, of course, this quite surprised me, as it’s a move rarely seen in pornography, mainly because it’s REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. Imagine the missionary position, but without anywhere for the penis to thrust into. It could have been my elbow he’d been rubbing against. The situation was made even more awkward by the fact that he was just staring at me whilst he pinned me down – what was I supposed to do? Run my hands through his hair and scream orgasmically at the new level of pleasure he was bringing to my left thigh? I decided the safest bet was to say nothing and lie there with a look of faint encouragement. After a while he stopped the penile offensive on my undercarriage and politely informed me that he had jizzed his jizzum, and a quick investigation revealed that, yes, my left leg and duvet were now covered in hot, sticky man milk. Charming.

 

Letter from Moscow

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Привет, Moscow calling!

So this is where I’m spending my year abroad, in the capital of the Motherland, and so far it’s been great! Moscow is a city with a character, a culture, a vibrancy that are at times breath-taking and at times nerve-tingling.

Let’s begin with the ‘breath-taking’ part. Moscow has a traffic problem. Before I came to Moscow, I received a message from one of my friends saying ‘Welcome to the city of traffic jams’. As a distinguishing feature of any city, I thought this was a slightly odd choice and somewhat at odds with Oxford’s epithet ‘the city of dreaming spires’. Sadly, there’s no punting here … but there a LOT of traffic jams!

This being the case it’s probably for the best that I don’t own a car. Moscow drivers can only be described as ‘crazy Russians’, capable of carrying out the most daredevil (life-threatening?) manoeuvres preferably performed on the busiest roads. On the plus side, they’re now taking zebra crossings seriously, but instead of the driver stopping for a pedestrian ready to cross, the attitude here is that if you’re not on the crossing, no one’s going to stop for you. Which is problematic if you’re not too comfortable with stepping out into the path of onrushing traffic.

Which brings me quite neatly onto the ‘nerve-tingling’ aspect of life in Moscow. Here order and chaos vie for supremacy and like all big cities Moscow can be a tad intimidating to the newcomer. Most districts are made up of shabby, Stalinist-era apartment blocks ripe for renovation, these in stark contrast to the eerily quiet neighbourhoods where security guards stand menacingly in the doorways of the sleek luxury dwellings of the Russian elite.

This dichotomy of life in Moscow is also apparent in the somewhat schizophrenic, East/West mindset of the city. Whilst you can get just about any Western brand in any one of the numerous shopping complexes, people still have more traditional values. Family is very important, where it’s usual for men and women to adhere to conventional gender roles. Several of my Russian friends of about my age are already married, some even have kids. Crazy.

Despite this schizophrenia, as a place to live, I absolutely love it here. The song ‘Moscow Never Sleeps’ is certainly true. Most shops are open until about 9pm and my local supermarkets are 24 hours. Restaurants stay open until the early hours of the morning. The city is bursting with energy and there’s always something interesting to see or do. There are countless theatres, galleries, concerts, parks that you can visit, and so far I’ve never had a dull moment. Whereas the older generation are a little world-weary (don’t expect a cheery ‘have a nice day’ from the cashier at the supermarket) the younger generation are very friendly, and most would jump at the opportunity to show a foreigner round their native city. They look towards the USA and Britain as cultural role-models in music, film and fashion, which can sometimes be frustrating for someone who doesn’t want to be surrounded with the same things as back home! It’s also now in vogue to send your kids abroad to study, so for a young Oxford lass like myself there’s plenty of work to be found tutoring. One parent remarked that you need to be able to speak English now to succeed in life, which explains this trend.

On the negative side, Moscow does live up to the usual clichés of alcoholism and corruption. At 10am you can see men staggering down the street clutching a bottle of beer, or sprawled across a bench on the metro sleeping off their hangover with everyone else doing their best to avoid them. As for bribery, everyone is aware it goes on, but it’s so ingrained in the system it seems impossible to eradicate. Even for something as trivial as securing a parking space, you need to ‘come to an agreement’ with whomever is in charge. Sometimes, it makes things easier as everyone knows the rules of the game, but most of the time it’s rather tiring. They say that this is a country ‘without limits’, where people can do as they please. The problem is this just causes problems for the poor guys further down the line.

Even the fact that all traffic is stopped when the President and his retinue need to drive through the city shows that life is a struggle here for ordinary people. Having spoken to a few Russians, the dream is to buy a ‘cottage’ in the suburbs, and commute into the capital. This weariness has led to tensions between Moscovites and the immigrants who have come from former Soviet Republics and who are willing to do less-than-appealing jobs for a cheap wage … or turn to crime.

But Russians are also very resilient. I was speaking to an Expat who observed that, if anything ever happened to the electricity or power sources, the Russians would be fine. Most people have a dacha, which they build on their own plots of land, where they can be pretty much self-sufficient, growing their own produce and even keeping livestock. Most Russians have the skills to wire their homes, connect to a water supply, maintain a generator and so on. If anything were to happen, then they would all just go to the dachas, and live off the land.

Like every city, there are positives and negatives. Despite this, I would encourage people to visit Moscow, a place which has been the setting of so many important historical events. It really is quite a unique experience to say the least.

Love, Kit xxx

Preview: Saved

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The most identifiable element to Saved’s plot is the stoning of a baby in a pram by a group of men – one of whom is the child’s father. Macaroon Productions will be staging it in 4th week, a week after The Death of Maria, where a woman is accused of eating her own baby, and a term after Middle England, which centred on a working class couple who are blamed by the press for the abduction of their own child.

Saved is superficially similar to plays staged recently in the BT, but it was shockingly unorthodox in the 60s. Written by Edward Bond in 1965, who bears a more than passing resemblance to Michael Caine, Wikipedia tells me the script of Saved was “instrumental in the abolition of theatre censorship in the UK”.

The script charts the lives of South London working class youths whose options have diminished thanks to a brutal economic climate. The first scene I saw showed Fred and Pam, the dead baby’s parents, in prison. Fred (Jack Flowers) gives an intensely physical performance: the pair’s accents occasionally slipped, but the scene’s power lay in the interplay between brusqueness and tenderness between the pair. Pam tells Fred she’ll wait for him: he grunts back, “Yeah yeah, God help us.”

Pam (Madeleine Walker) is softly-spoken at points and incongruously sweet to the man who helped murder her child: the psychology behind her submissiveness will presumably be examined over the show’s two hour run time.

Another scene showed Pam’s mother, Mary (Lara McIvor) and Pam’s ex-boyfriend, Len (Marcus Balmer) at home. Mary is on her way out to a film with a friend, Len is polishing his shoes. They talk like a mother and a son, albeit a mother and son who bring up sex a little too often. McIvor’s lilting, assured delivery of lines means the audience is happy to settle in to observe.

This sense of security is swiftly shattered by Bond’s script. A run in Mary’s stocking needs to be fixed. It’s on her lower thigh, on the inside, just above her knee. The audience cringes as Balmer leans in to sew it up, his awkwardness visible on his face. Then he relaxes; the audience cringes more. He talks about how soft her skin is, and asks her repeatedly to stay at home with him.

McIvor is the perfect mixture of Madonna and seductress: she knows exactly what she’s doing, but leaves him in a whirl of handbags and motherly chiding. Balmer is left alone on the sofa: he happily unzips his trousers for a wank, a knowing smile playing across his lips.

Saved’s script is not comfortable. But it’s entertaining, human and engaging, and the cast are clearly having a lot of fun.

Saved is playing at the BT Studio from Tuesday 5th to Saturday 9th November. Tickets are available here

 

Cross-Country Cuppers: A stroll in the park?

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It happened right around the top of the hill.

More specifically, it happened as I puffed, chugged, panted and more or less crawled my way to the highest point of South Parks during the third and final lap of a six-mile cuppers race held by the Oxford University Cross Country Club.

“It” refers to the claiming of first prize by team veteran Tom Frith of St. Anne’s, who launched a field-decimating move at the base of the aforementioned hill on the course’s second lap to capture his second straight Michaelmas cuppers victory in a blazing 33:05. That made him 37 seconds faster than University College fresher William Christofi, who came in a further 17 seconds ahead of Worcester’s Adam Speake to round out the top three.

Nearly seven full minutes had elapsed since Frith’s victory by the time I stumbled my muddy way across the line in an uninspiring 29th. By that point, Oxford’s third-best finisher in last year’s Varsity Match had had plenty of time to consider his thoughts on the race.

“For the first lap there was a big group of us, and I think it was quite slow for everyone,” remarked Frith afterward, referring to a lead pack of nine that slowly split away from the main field early in the competition. “And that was the strategy for me: just to sit in and see how the race went, and if I felt good, kick away on one of the hills and really put a good sustained effort in and see if I could break away from them.”

Break away he did. So devastating was Frith’s attack that it eventually shattered the early front-running group; by the race’s end, more than three minutes separated first and ninth place.

The early slowness of pace—which saw the whole of the men’s field stick together in a rather uneasy manner for the race’s first 400 meters—was perhaps attributable to the newness of the course. Cuppers are normally held on the more or less flat grounds of Port Meadow, but this year’s shift to South Parks meant that the whole route, save for a couple sweeping turns was literally an up-and-down affair.

While this factor, in addition to occasional patches of slippery turf that made some downhill stretches slightly treacherous, may have slowed down the runners’ times somewhat in comparison to last year, Frith was satisfied the change of scenery.

“It was a very good race to mimic the varsity course,” opined Frith, referring to Wimbledon Common, where the 123rd Gentleman’s Race with Cambridge will take place on Saturday of 8th week.

Cross country captain Naomi Webber echoed Frith’s sentiments on the change of course. “I thought the new course worked really well and was a really good test of the strength of this year’s athletes,” said Webber.

On the women’s side, the race broke up much more quickly, with a core of three to five runners leading the race from start to finish. A steady final kick during the race’s last uphill portion was enough for Trinity’s Claire McIlvennie to snatch a three-second victory from Sophia Saller of St. Catherine’s with a time of 25:55 for two laps. Joanna Klaptocz of St. Hugh’s was a further four seconds adrift in third.

For McIlvennie, who attended Middlebury College in the U.S. as an undergraduate is now an MSc student in Geography, the race was her first on English soil. Still, she was quickly impressed by the sense of team spirit that pervaded Saturday’s competition.

“I felt like the lead group worked together quite a bit, especially on the first lap,” said McIlvennie afterwards. “Knowing that there was such a tight group definitely kept me motivated, especially coming up the hill in South Parks on the second loop. Having other runners to work with always makes a race more exciting.”

“It would be an amazing experience to run in the Varsity match at the end of the season,” McIlvennie added. “This was a great step in that direction.”

In the team competition, St Catherine’s claimed victory by 46 points over Lady Margaret Hall on the women’s side, while Worcester more than doubled up St. Edmund’s Hall to earn the men’s prize.

But as was the case with last week’s Athletics cuppers, the real race has yet to be run.

“Last year we lost a lot of good runners, but it’s reassuring to see we’ve got a lot of good freshers,” concluded Frith. “I was really pleased with the show today.”

Football’s three weirdest loans

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The football loan is a curious thing. Whereas the out-and-out transfer is a clear break-up between player and club, a final tearful (or not-so-tearful) farewell, a clear parting of ways, the loan hints at the presence of an iota of sincerity and even insecurity lurking in the murky recesses of the modern football club’s cold, black soul. Whether it’s allowing a young starlet to ply his trade in the lower reaches of the football pyramid whilst still having the decency to pay his wages or taking a brief break from a disruptive figure in the changing-room, the loan is football at its most romantic, a way of saying ‘never say never’ in a game otherwise dominated by ruthlessness and heartbreak, a bashful acknowledgement that while things might eventually work out fine in the end, in spite of how volatile or uncertain things were in the past, the club and the player going their separate ways may also ultimately be for the best. And with that homage to the temporary transfer, here is a short list not of the most inspired loan signings, nor of the very worst, but of the most surprising (and in one case, truly baffling) short-term stints, those football hook-ups that no-one saw coming.

 

3. Amr Zaki – Zamalek to Wigan Athletic

Eyebrows were raised when plucky Wigan Athletic persuaded obscure Egyptian Premier League outfit Zamalek SC to let them borrow burly striker Amr Zaki for the 2008/09 Premier League season. However following Zaki’s whirlwind start at the JJB Stadium, the supercilia of world football’s gobsmacked face almost vanished completely; not only did he net two goals against boyhood club Liverpool at Anfield, including a stunning acrobatic strike, his breathtaking start also briefly propelled him to the summit of the top scorers’ list. The romance did not last long. Zaki was fined heavily for failing to return to Wigan following a World Cup qualifying match with Egypt and left the club at the end of the season. He then turned down a move to Portsmouth after refusing to be a part of a squad containing Algerian and Israeli players. It seems that Wigan were wise in ending this relationship early.

2. Mauro Zárate – Al-Sadd to Birmingham City/Lazio

After playing just 6 games for Qatari outfit Al-Sadd following a whopping $22 million transfer, Zárate was sent off on loan to Birmingham City for the remainder of the 2007/08 season. Despite adding some flair and creativity to an otherwise dire Birmingham side, immediately endearing himself to the lovestruck St. Andrews crowd, his exploits were not enough to prevent Birmingham from getting relegated. The footballing gods (i.e. his agents) then decreed that the Argentinian maestro was to leave the fair city of Birmingham for the Italian capital of Rome, the birthplace of Western civilization, on the latest leg of his football odyssey.

After a fine start to his loan period with the sky blues of Lazio, Zárate caused controversy when he was seen giving a fascist salute whilst watching a game with Lazio fans, although he claimed that he didn’t realise the significance of the gesture. Naive? Possibly. Foolish? Undoubtedly. Following a third loan stint at Internazionale (it didn’t go well), Zárate’s football adventure has come full-circle as he now plays for Argentinian side Vélez Sársfield, the club where he began his football career. A modern-day footballing Odysseus if ever there was one.

  1. Julien Faubert – West Ham United to Real Madrid

Julien Faubert’s brief fling with Real Madrid in 2009 is undoubtedly the most bizarre loan signing in the history of the game, a relationship which is the footballing equivalent of Caligula and Incitatus. In order to truly comprehend the absurdity of this loan signing, let’s imagine a conversation the then-Real Madrid manager Juande Ramos may have struck with the chairman to push the deal through:

Ramos: Boss, we’re half way through the season, we’re the defending champions, I feel we need some temporary cover on the right side of midfield in case we get any injuries later on in the season. This duel with Barcelona is going to go right down to the wire, we need the very best.

Chairman: Of course, Juande. We’re Real Madrid, one of the richest clubs in the world; with our resources, we can bring in virtually anyone who’s on the market. Who’s your main target?

Ramos: Julien Faubert.

Chairman: Hmm, I can’t say I’ve heard of him. Do you have any more information? What club does he play for?

Ramos: He plays for mid-table Premier League side West Ham United; he ruptured his achilles tendon in his first season and made just eight appearances. He scored no goals. He made no assists.

Chairman: Impressive… and his international career?

Ramos: Just the one cap for France in 2006.

Chairman: I’m sold. Get him in.

After missing training when he thought he had a day off and falling asleep on the substitutes’ bench during a match, Faubert returned to West Ham United having made just two appearances for the Galácticos – making this a loveless loan that was doomed from the very beginning.

Witching Hour

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Photographer & Stylist Tamison O’Connor

Black strapless taffeta dress, Luella; Lace body, American Apparel; Boots (worn throughout), Office; Necklace, Freedom at Topshop; Black lace dress, Topshop; Black knitted bat jumper, JW Anderson x Topshop; White shirt and black circle skirt, both American Apparel.