Saturday 18th April 2026
Blog Page 1453

Review: Wild Beasts – Present Tense

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Wild Beasts’ fourth (that’s right, fourth!) album opens with a burst of dramatic choir singing, with Hayden Thorpe’s voice breaking the exciting yet dreamlike synth background with his usual astonishing vocal range. Thorpe’s vocals are a key part of any Wild Beasts record, and he goes from strength to strength across the album, veering from thoughtful on lead single ‘Wanderlust’ to lascivious on ‘Nature Boy’ to gentle on ‘Mecca’ and mournful on ‘Dog’s Life’.

Synths shimmer and gleam in instrumental patches, illuminating the dreamscape of Wild Beasts’ active imagination. This glittering brilliance is most obvious on ‘Dog’s Life’, one of the highlights of the album. Beginning softly, it suddenly flickers into life about halfway through with a space-age riff to make Buzz Aldrin weep.

The album is their longest yet, which in itself is a statement about the band’s attempts at maturity. There was a time for ‘Brace Bulging Buoyant Clairvoyants’, and it was a great time, but a 12-year-old band needs to be a bit less silly. In fact, the album’s few weak moments come when Wild Beasts take it all a bit too far. The synths in ‘Palace’ are a bit too 80s, and the song tends towards the over-the-top, camp dramatics that let them down on 2011’s Smother.

The range of emotions present in the lyrics is impressive as well. While meaning is deliberately and carefully made difficult to discern, ‘Nature Boy’ appears to be the story of a man whose wife is sleeping with someone else – “your lady wife around his lips”. ‘Daughters’ is a fine feminist anthem if a little condescending, with Thorpe telling us all about how “Jesus was a woman”. The indescribably tender ‘Mecca’ is the best song on the album, and is completely open to interpretation. It’s a toss-up as to whether it’s love (“we move in desire”), alcohol (“just a drop on the lips/and we’re more than equipped”) or something harder (“we didn’t reach a high/it was always inside”) being moved into a religious context as Thorpe croons that “we’ve a Mecca now”. Maybe it’s all three. Maybe it’s none.

It’s been five years since we’ve had a good album from this lot, but I’m pleased to say they’re back out of the wilderness.

Interview: Rae Earl

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In order to maintain a secure phone connection with Rae on the other side of the world, I’ve had to scour my entire college for the best signal. I have settled, at 10 on a Friday morning, in a lonely, unfurnished prayer room- myself now anxiously praying that no one intends to use it for the next hour.

As soon as I’m put through to Rae, though, my worries pretty much evaporate. As she answers the phone, she informs me between hysterical laughter and audible wretches that I’ve caught her in the middle of a “potato related catastrophe”. In the sweltering Tasmanian heat, a tin of potatoes has split and started rotting from the bottom up. 

We get down to business despite this, and in the heat of the moment, I admit to her that I started writing to Channel 4 when the series first aired. I wanted to thank them for showing the teenage audience a funny, likeable character whose mental illness did not define them. Ironically enough, I tell Rae, I didn’t send it for fear of people thinking I was being obsessive or overly keen.

“When I hear that I think, ‘Yes!’. That’s exactly what we wanted to achieve.” Rae practically beams at me down the phone, apparently not judging my enthusiasm. “It gives me so much real pleasure that that’s been my contribution to the cannon, as it were, that people felt they could say ‘I felt a bit like that’.”

“I get it from all generations.” She continues, “Up until recently, my mum worked at the lottery counter at Morrison’s. She had a really old woman as a regular, who once day came up to her saying ‘Your daughter’s series…’  My mum immediately thought- Oh shit! Given that the series is about masturbation, drugs, raving, self harm and all that. And then the old lady says, ‘It’s brilliant, it happened in our day and nobody talked about it! We need to talk about it!’”

Clearly Rae appreciates that people can identify with her work. I ask why she thinks her story is so relatable. An anorexic person feels the same kind of thing as someone who is very overweight- the emotions are very similar. Someone with OCD can relate to somebody with depression. The point is they are living with something that eats into their joy, eats into their lives, and eats into their time.”

Witty and very much with it, despite it being pretty late where she is, Rae jokingly points out her Freudian repetition of the word “eat”, saying that if she noticed it, I definitely should have.

The book My Mad Fat Teenage Diary is, ultimately, nonfiction, and its sequel My Madder, Fatter Diary has just been released, with the second TV series to air on Channel 4 this month. Readers can expect a different feel from this book however, Rae tells me.

“I underestimated the task in hand emotionally in writing this one. It’s a lot, lot darker, but still very funny. I talk about quite deep serious stuff and go into detail more, things that are only alluded to in the first book. Non fictional characters that are still in my life, I have to think about quite deeply. Ones that are not in my life but I still care about quite dearly are also a task.”

The TV series, however, is generally a more fictionalised version of events.

“Apart from me and my mum, all characters in TV series are fictional- you can’t stick to reality. If the real Battered Sausage [a character’s nickname in the book] did something in TV that he didn’t do in real life, he’d be very angry at me!” Rae tells me. “The fictional TV Rae does stuff that I’ve done and stuff that I haven’t done, but never anything that wouldn’t do.”

One of the more notable inventions of the series compared to the books is the addition of a closeted gay character, Archie.

“I gave Tom Bidwell [TV series writer] the bare bones and he ran with it,” Rae explains. “Archie was important, because it’s less difficult to be gay these days, but you still need to come out to your friends. It’s about exploring labels, exploring how we see people after we have information about them that we didn’t previously know. Does it change what we think about them? Should it?”

Speaking of the stigma faced by people who, for whatever reason, have ever had trouble “fitting in”, Rae bursts out, “I just want to throw a bomb into everything and say ‘Fuck this! Fuck your labels!’”

Among other things to be bombed in Rae’s world is body prejudice. Discussing the story of an overweight teenage girl, Rae states, “Let’s not delude ourselves that people aren’t nasty to fat people- they bloody are. There are different standards of beauty around the world. And if you don’t ‘fit in’, you’re not ‘healthy’ in the mind. Actually, not fitting in can be an absolute sign of your absolute mental health.”

The issue of fitting in was a big enough one during Rae’s 20th century teenage years – but how has that changed since the arrival of technology?

“I think the internet is one of these insane things that can be an enormous comfort and a dreadful curse. Bullies can follow you everywhere. I knew physically where my bullies were, I could work out routes to avoid them. I knew where they were, most of the time. These days, that’s gone.”

We soon divulge from such serious considerations, and end up bonding about how medieval literature makes us both feel sad inside and a mutual love of Caitlin Moran. Rae’s been incredibly warm and welcoming, and I can certainly see consistencies in her humour and that of her on-screen persona.

At the end of our conversation, Rae confirms beyond any doubt her awesomeness as a person. “My mum always said I wasn’t allowed to try for Cambridge… But Oxford, that’d be fine. After this, I can see why she said it!”

Naww, how sweet. After having such an entertaining hour with Rae and getting stuck into the new book, I can’t wait to see what her new series will bring.

Review: Anna Karenina

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In his director’s note to the Oxford School of Drama’s latest production, Anna Karenina, Robin Belfield asks “How does one distil over 800 pages of rich descriptive language into two hours of exciting theatre?” Such is the challenge faced in bringing Tolstoy’s classic to the stage of the indie Pegasus Theatre in Cowley.

The novel follows the sad story of a young Russian socialite who begins an extramarital affair with the handsome Count Vronsky. Multiple actors played the main parts – six Annas and five Levins. This was slightly confusing but also highly effective in conveying multi-faceted personalities and conflicting emotions.

One of the difficulties in transporting Anna from page to stage is the psychological dimension which the 2012 film adaptation attempts to convey through Keira Knightley’s pout alone. This aspect of the novel was maintained with the simple but ingenious use of a sheer curtain. During one of Levin’s introspective soliloquys he stands in front of the curtain, while Anna quite literally strolls through his mind behind it.

The costumes were elegant, but not overdone. The set, too, was minimalistic. The odd spade, suitcase or chaise longue, carried on and off stage by peasant-like figures in brown capes. Richard Lemming was superb as Anna’s husband, a mildly repellent civil servant who uses words like ‘propitious’ and ‘irksome’ in normal conversation and tries to initiate sex with the explanation that he’s showered and washed his hair.

With so many actors playing the same roles, variations of talent became obvious. I also objected to the bizarrely anachronistic blowjob simulation. Apart from that, it was a laudable effort in staging a very complicated novel.

Preview: Caucasian Chalk Circle

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Say the word “Brecht” in thespian circles and it’s often immediately followed by faux-sage nods and vacuous allusions to “alienation” and “the fourth wall.” On arriving at this preview I was already prepared to play the part, my mind replete with hastily consumed Wikipedia articles on epic theatre and the Berliner Ensemble which I hoped could be regurgitated in some semblance of informed coherence. I needn’t have worried: the cast I encountered in Magdalen’s Oscar Wilde Room were not concerned with such facade.

The scope of this play is its most thrilling characteristic, as it oscillates wildly between incredibly bleak human tragedy and guffaw-inducing satirical comedy. This heady mix had me transfixed even in the three short scenes I was party to, memorably at the point where the terror and panic of violent revolution was juxtaposed with an awkward proto-chick flick proposal scene.

The use of masked silhouettes and puppetry, as well as a klesmer-style score (composed by Roddy Skeaping), add an aura of mystique, absurdity, and tradition which help to reconcile the polarising emotional shifts.

In a play this all-encompassing, much is demanded from the actors. Luke Rollason (playing the male lead Azdak) and Constance Greenfield (playing Grusha) stand out as particularly impressive in a uniformly strong cast. What strikes you is the open atmosphere in rehearsals; everyone has thought deeply about their role and those of their colleagues and Lazar has encouraged these thoughts to be shared regardless of your importance in the plot. It’s being done exactly in the spirit of the collaborative ensemble acting which Brecht himself did so much to develop.

In short this play has the potential to make you howl with both laughter and tears, the term “emotional rollercoaster” doesn’t really seem to do it justice, and in realising this potent combination Screw the Looking Glass look set for yet another hit. This is not to be missed.

The Wahoo pair were right to question their treatment

On Monday the Tab weighed in on the controversy over an alleged incident of homophobia at Wahoo with an article entitled “An accusation should be treated as just that: An accusation”. I really wish they hadn’t bothered.

I don’t want to comment on what happened at Wahoo (the CCTV is still under review) but rather on the treatment of accusations of homophobia in this article. Dufton’s article seemed mainly concerned with attacking the two people involved for raising the issue of whether their treatment in the club was homophobic. Apart from anything else it was inaccurate, portraying them as being “willing to take the business to court, put its license at risk, and request relevant good will charity”, when in fact these were all suggestions or offers made by other members of the Student Union in support.

It seems obvious to me that the matter would be investigated with the club before any of these possibilities would be tried, which is indeed what happened. Similarly, the two students didn’t deal with the issue “through the student press”; rather it was picked up on and reported on by those involved in student journalism. All they did was share what seemed like a reasonable assumption (given the continuing problem of homophobia and accounts of witnesses) of a problematic incident with the student community in an online forum.

While one of them admitted subsequently to having unclear memories of the night, we all know that intoxication can complicate matters, and it doesn’t seem like there was any malicious intent on either of their parts. Dufton himself acknowledged that “in fairness, all parties concur that the pair were unfortunately not informed exactly as to why they were ejected”.  It wasn’t unfair, therefore, to think that this might have been due to attitudes to same-sex kissing.

Inaccuracies aside, my real problem with this article was the vitriol Dufton directed towards those willing to challenge potential incidences of homophobia and discrimination and those willing to offer support and help, misunderstanding or no misunderstanding. He called the willingness to question the issue “frankly disgusting”, called the students “culprits”, accused them of having “cried wolf”, and painted the club involved as a vulnerable victim of accusations. This is poisonous. Businesses like Wahoo are not the vulnerable parties in matters like this; individuals who might be at risk of prejudice and discrimination are. Neither the club nor the bouncer would ever have faced legal action unless there was proof of the allegation, and it is perfectly within the right of anyone unhappy with their treatment to challenge it. As far as I can tell from walking past Wahoo every night, their popularity doesn’t seem to have taken a hit either.

I’m fiercely proud that the student community at Wadham was so outraged by an *apparent* case of homophobia, so supportive and so willing to take action should it have emerged to be the case. The real result of all this, whatever actually happened, is not that Wahoo have suffered. Instead, it has been made clear to many people that homophobia won’t be tolerated by students here. The Tab article, on the other hand, discouraged people from calling out institutions and authority figures on potential homophobia. Anyone who read the Tab piece might think twice about challenging what seemed to be discrimination, if this is the kind of attack you might get in a public forum for possibly being mistaken. The message of this article was “sit down and shut up”, and it is that, not the behaviour of those it attacked, that was “frankly disgusting”.

Focus on: Austentatious

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Improvised comedy is a medium that’s fluid, spontaneous, off-the-cuff. In short, the exact opposite of a polished, carefully wrought Jane Austen novel. Austentatious first brought the two together during their smash 2012 debut at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Each audacious performance attempts to recreate a Jane Austen novel on stage, based entirely on suggestions from the audience. The cast of six are an eclectic mix of comedians, actors, and skilled improvisers, with experience as voice artists, members of The Oxford Imps, and writers for QI.

To start us off I ask the actors why they think improvised comedy and Jane Austen go so well together. For Andrew Murray, semi-finalist in the comedy competition So You Think You’re Funny, the answer’s obvious: “Austen is, genuinely, one of the funniest writers of all time. She’s got perfect timing and these days could have comfortably filled the O2.” Rachel Parris, ex-Oxford Imp, agrees about the timeless aspect of Austen’s writing: “the world she created is so recognisable that you can take it anywhere: when the improv takes you off to space, or to a gothic cathedral, or under the sea, the Austenian style still shines through.” Amy Cooke-Hodgeson, who recently appeared in the Olivier award-winning production of La Boheme, thinks the world she created is so recognisable that you can take it anywhere: “when the improv takes you off to space, or to a gothic cathedral, or under the sea, the Austenian style still shines through.”

Being in the show has gone from high to high, and Cooke-Hodgeson has loved every minute. “The show’s popularity has grown so quickly we have to keep pinching ourselves that we’re on a UK tour. There’s obviously the benefit of wearing pretty costumes and probably best of all, everyone in the team is a friend as well as a colleague.”

Cariad Lloyd, who has appeared in The Now Show agrees about the friendliness of the cast: “Doing the shows, I am very blessed to work with some hugely wonderful and absolutely hilarious people. At every show I stand at the side of the stage trying not to laugh my head off. It’s very nice to work with people you think are immensely clever, nice and talented.”

For all their nicety, there’s surely an element of risk involved in improv? I can’t resist asking if anything’s ever gone horribly wong. Cariad Lloyd agrees heartily: “Oh things go wrong all the time! Names get said wrong, characters get confused, plots get over plotted, but that’s the fun of improvisation – it’s a challenge and one the audience enjoy watching us struggle with”.

Rachel Parris qualifies: “Not completely wrong… We have had one or two that we felt didn’t go as well as we’d like. Sometimes things just take a turn for the weird, and you have to work hard to pull the narrative back on track, but usually it’s fine!”

Cooke-Hodgeson explains one recipe for disaster, “It is sometimes tricky when someone suggests a title of a real book written by someone else – we’ve had titles from Shakespeare, the Harry Potters, and Bronte.”

At least those titles are specific. For Parris, “The most tricky ones are the vaguest ones: things like ‘Wit and Vivacity’ or ‘The Grace of a Lady’ – it gives us very little to go on. The best ones are things with a clear, exciting idea: some of my favourites have been ‘Double-O-Darcy’, ‘Darcy and Bingley: Forbidden Love’ and ‘Mansfield Shark’.

Joseph Morpurgo, who has enjoyed two sell-out runs at the Edinburgh Fringe, remembers a particularly awkward audience suggestion: “Someone submitted one once in what I can only presume is a dead language.”

It sounds like a challenging career. So what can budding improv-comedians do to improve their chances at making it big time? Morpurgo thinks it’s as easy as one-two-three: “Get as much experience as you can, persevere, enjoy it.”

Amy agrees that experience is key: “Watch lots and do more! Improv is a constantly evolving art form and just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, you realise there’s loads more to learn and be better at. The best way of being better is to watch as much of it as you can and do as much of it as you can.”

Lloyd believes that even if you’re aiming for fame and acclaim, there’s no such thing as starting too small. “The only way to get better at this is to do it, rehearse with your group in whatever space you can find, and then put on shows. Our first show was to twelve people in a room that held fifteen.” And most importantly, have fun along the way – “you don’t need to rush at it, just enjoy making stuff up with people who inspire you.”

Austentatious is touring the UK all year, and will be in Oxford at the North Wall Arts Centre on Friday 4tlh April at 8pm.

Town v Gown boxing at the Oxford Union

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The fights

  1. Light-middleweight Blue Iain Holland (St Benet’s) OUABC Men’s Captain vs. Coventry: WIN 2nd round TKO
  2. Intra-club Lucinda Poulton (Queen’s) OUABC Secretary lost by split decision to Ellie Berryman-Athey (Corpus)
  3. Intra-club lightweight James Kerr (Worcester) lost by split decision to Ishman Rahman (Oxford Brookes)
  4. Welterweight Richard Beck (Somerville) vs. Coventry: LOSS split decision
  5. Light-welterweight Claudia Havranek (Magdalen) OUABC Women’s Captain vs. Sandy ABC: WIN unanimous decision
  6. Intra-club Lucy Harris (Jesus) lost by unanimous decision to Isra Hale (St Anne’s) OUABC Treasurer
  7. Light-middleweight Blue Conor Husbands (Teddy Hall) vs. Emeralds ABC: WIN unanimous decision
  8. Middleweight Jack Straker (Queen’s) OUABC President vs. Bath City ABC: WIN 3rd round TKO
  9. Light-welterweight Rowan Callinan (Christ Church) vs. Oxford Boxing Academy: LOSS unanimous decision
  10. Middleweight Mags Chilaev (St. Peter’s) vs. UCL: WIN split decision
  11. Middleweight Jack Prescott (Univ) vs. Oxford Boxing Academy: WIN split decision
  12. Intra-club Tony Besse (Trinity) won by unanimous decision against Michael Zhang (Lincoln)
  13. Heavyweight Steve O’Driscoll (Somerville) vs. UCL: LOSS split decision

 Notably there were 12 boys and 5 girls boxing for OUABC.

Why Israeli Apartheid Week matters

It was standing room only at this year’s Oxford Israeli Apartheid Week (IAW), the ninth to be held at Oxford University. Since the first Oxford IAW in 2005 – when Oxford students and academics initiated the first IAW in Europe – Oxford has been one of the most active contributors to a series of events now taking place across the globe. Hosted by the Oxford University Arab Cultural Society, Israeli Apartheid Week has brought together people of all backgrounds for a clear purpose: to further the analysis of Israel as an apartheid state and build support for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israel until it complies with its obligations under international law.

Where Israel was once able to commit its crimes against the Palestinians with impunity – hidden away from world’s media and defended by the world’s most powerful states – it now faces a broad and growing international movement demanding that it be held accountable for its actions. The basic analysis advanced by IAW is that Israel’s well-documented crimes: routine killings, house demolitions, forced population transfer and other violations of human rights are core elements of Israel’s system of institutionalized racial discrimination. The distinction in Israeli law between individuals based on their ethnicity is the basic legal means by which the rights of Palestinians – those in the West Bank and Gaza, those in forced exile and Palestinian citizens of Israel – are denied and abused.

Institutionalized racial discrimination of this type is defined as the crime of Apartheid in international customary law. The definition comes from the 1973 Convention on the Suppression and Punishment of the Crime of Apartheid, later incorporated into the Rome Statute – the founding document of the International Criminal Court.

In recent years, the view that Israel is guilty of practicing Apartheid has gained increasing unanimity across legal and academic communities. Both the current UN Special Rapporteur for Human Rights to the Occupied Palestinian Territories Professor Richard Falk and his predecessor in the post, Professor John Dugard, have provided legal analyses detailing how this Apartheid system functions. Many other prominent figures, including former US President Jimmy Carter have also brought attention to this. And this past December, the faculty members of the American Studies Association in the US voted to support the academic boycott of Israeli institutions.

Few have been more outspoken in their condemnation of Israeli Apartheid than South Africans themselves. Once fraternal allies with the Palestinians in the struggle for liberation, today South Africans are leading solidarity in the movement against Israeli apartheid. This week IAW was held in fifteen South African cities and campuses. Two years ago, the ANC passed a resolution declaring its support for the BDS movement. ANC Chair and former Deputy President of South Africa Baleka Mbete echoed similar comments made by Desmond Tutu and other prominent South Africans; that the situation in Palestine is not only comparable to Apartheid South Africa, but having witnessed it herself, she declared, it was ‘far worse’.

This year’s IAW approached these questions from a number of vantage points. Professor Ilan Pappé from the University of Exeter, in a session chaired by fellow Israeli historian, Professor Avi Shlaim (St Antony’s), addressed the continuing struggle of the Palestinian people. His lecture focused on the need for concepts like apartheid, settler colonialism, and ethnic cleansing, in order to illuminate the reality on the ground in historical Palestine.

Dr Abdel Razzaq Takriti from Sheffield University pointed to the particular responsibilities that Britain carries for building and sustaining Israeli Apartheid, and identified the meaning and importance of international solidarity to those struggling against colonialism and Apartheid. Dr Paul Kelemen from Manchester University, chaired by Dr Sudhir Hazareesingh (Balliol) described the enthusiastic role of the British left, for much of the 20th century, in supporting Zionist expulsion of Palestinians from their country. Referring to the left’s ‘history of a divorce’ with Zionism, Dr Keleman gave a further indication of the growing support for Palestinian rights in Britain.

While the racist logic of Israeli apartheid in essence is simple, its victims are diverse. Sami Adwan from Yarmouk refugee camp in Syria spoke of the precarious existence of Palestinian refugees living in exile and denied their legal and moral right to return to their homeland. On Tuesday Haneen Maikey, co-founder and director of al Qaws for Sexual and Gender Diversity in Palestinian society and Palestinian Queers for BDS described the experience of being queer under apartheid. She described the resistance of Palestinian queers to Israeli attempts at ‘pinkwashing’ and how the Palestinian LGBTQ movement has been working to mobilize across historic Palestine despite the range of legal and military obstacles.

The reality of Israeli apartheid described this week denies our common humanity, the Palestinian struggle for freedom and equality appeals to simple but noble ideals for which people have always fought. The call from Palestinian civil society for boycott, divestment and sanctions against Israel until it complies with international law, went out to all people of conscience and it is now time for it to be answered. This week, in the year of his passing, Oxford students once again renewed our commitment to the late Nelson Mandela’s statement that ‘our freedom is incomplete without the freedom of the Palestinians’.

Blues Hockey men face international test

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The Men’s Blues Hockey team take on the Great Britain Women’s team on Monday afternoon. This friendly match takes place at Iffley Road, and will be very useful for the Blues in their preparation for the Varsity Match against Cambridge at Southgate Hockey Club, on Sunday the 9th of March. 

The Blues, fresh from a triumphant title-winning campaign, will be looking for the likes of captain Rupert Allison and goalkeeper Michael Fernando to continue what has been scintillating form against the best female players this island can offer. 

The last month or so has been tumultuous for the GB women, with a training camp in the USA seeing the team draw with the US team, and they then won one and lost one over an evenly matched two games against New Zealand. The end of January also saw two high-profile retirements from the GB ranks, with Anne Panter and Natalie Seymour both hanging up their sticks. Between them the two players had amassed 182 international caps, so it will be a new look GB team taking on the Blues.

Following the match, the two teams will participate in a penalty shuttles contest, which will give Oxford’s players to practice in case the Varsity Match finishes in a draw. It is a great privilege to host the GB Hockey squad, and is sure to be a stern test of the Blues technical ability. No one is quite sure of what the result will be, but it is sure to be a great afternoon for OUHC.

Push-back is at 5pm.

The Blues team will likely be comprised of:

Michael Fernando

Oliver Sugg

Matt Wood

Paul Bennett

Jamie Parkinson

Sam Mallinson

Richard Barlow

Jon Appleby

James Arch

Rupert Allison

Duncan Graves

Oliver Lobo

Gus Kennedy

Tom Jackson

Sam Greenbank        

Tom Chadwick

Cameron Deans

Alex Stobbart

 

Cherwell Culture Tries… Sushi

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Though I can pinpoint any of Oxford’s kebab boutiques by a sniff at 10 paces, my experience of our city’s gastronomic wonders is essentially limited to a burger I ate out of the bin outside Purple Turtle one time. It tasted of ketchup and despair. When a young lady of my acquaintance suggested we go out for sushi, I therefore glanced up from my corned-beef-and-marmite sandwich with suspicion. “Isn’t that, like, dead fish and stuff?” I asked dubiously.

I do not have a sophisticated palate. My housemates commonly look on in
despair as I whip up a fragrantly spiced risotto then slather it in Tesco’s own-brand brown sauce. In effect, my nicotine-fried tastebuds only respond to three flavours: salty, ketchup and really salty. My date reassured me that
although ketchup might be in short supply, sushi was nothing more than salty
fishy balls. 

Nonetheless I took precautionary measures, wolfing down a healthy platter
of beans on toast to line my stomach for the hoity-toity culinary ordeal ahead. Repressing a beany burp, I strode grimly down George Street like a man on death row who has just learnt his last meal is going to consist of lukewarm lumps of octopus. To my amazement, the restaurant was called Yo! Sushi, with no apparent sense of irony. The cringingly cheery exclamation mark was
almost as cheesy as the punctuation belonging to emo poseurs Panic! At The Disco or rebellious punk popster P!nk. You’d never get away with marketing restaurants called Radical! Baked Potatoes or Whaddup Homie! Salad Bar.

My understanding of the sushi-eating process was based solely on that scene in Johnny English where he gets his tie stuck in the conveyor belt. I therefore sat very still with my hands by my sides, lest a tender part of my anatomy become entrapped in the vicious cogs and gears that presumably lurked below
the benevolently shiny counter. In general, I find that sitting very still with my hands by my sides is the best way to approach all social occasions.

Eventually, though, I had to bite the sushimi-flavoured bullet. I closed my
eyes and thought of Chicken Cottage, and reached for the chopsticks. With the encouragement of my date, I tentatively lifted a squid tentacle toward my mouth. Then I dropped it. This happened seventeen more times. The quivering appendage ended up on the floor, nestling in the turnups of my trousers, congealing in the hair of a passing waiter. “They do provide cutlery, you know,” my date said quietly as I retrieved the soy-soaked feeler from the lap of a pensioner sitting seven tables away.

Those salty morsels which did make it to my mouth (albeit via a circuitous tour of the restaurant’s floor, walls and ceiling) were undeniably delicious. I was expecting glorified minature tuna mayo sandwiches – what I got was a riotous and mercifully salty platter of seafood. But sushi is food for proper grownups and I am not a proper grown-up. Shamefaced, I reached for the kiddie spoon. At least no-one had given me a brightly-colouredplacemat to crudely deface with red crayon. Yet.