Sunday 1st June 2025
Blog Page 1459

Freddy the Fresher: Part Two

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Freddy’s legend in college was cemented and the impression of his flaccid cock burned onto the retinas of his fellow students.

‘Alright, Penis Boy,’ one, particularly eloquent fresher shouts at him across the dining hall, ‘How’s your penis?’ Truth be told, Freddy’s penis is absolutely fine, but his face is burning bright red. The embarassment of his fi rst day phallic blunder has dominated his freshers’ week. How can I fully enjoy Park End, he thought, when all the girls have already seen the goods?

But with the end of freshers’ week comes the onset of grim reality and, even though he is still too mortified to linger in front quad, Freddy’s biggest problem is rapidly becoming his fi rst essay. The endless toga parties, it seems, were an illusion. This microeconomics problem is his life now.

Sitting in the Social Sciences Library, he spots another fresher – a pretty blonde girl with a calculator – doing sums with a ferocious intensity. Wow, Freddy thinks, beautiful and an economics whizz, not to mention the fact that she’s not from my college and therefore probably hasn’t seen my penis.

He takes a quick lunch break, stuffi ng a bland falafal wrap into his face, and then returns to the library, choosing, this time, to seat himself across from the girl. Her nose is deep in Hal Varian’s ‘Intermediate Microeconomics’ – her perfect nose amidst those imperfect factor markets – but he continues to shoot her saucy glances, whilst also attempting to give the appearence of breezing through his essay. He picks up his calculator to do a sum, but puts it down. I don’t need no calculator, his eyes say.

In the three hours that they are sitting next to one another, she looks at him twice – once when he coughs loudly and then again when he sneezes. When she goes to the loo, he sneaks over and sees that she’s left her nexus open and scrambles furtively to discover the name of his new obsession. [email protected]...

In his first tute the next day, his tutor, however, brings him back to earth. Whilst the portions of his essay dealing with various curves were written with a great deal of (unnecessary) vigour, his maths is more than a little suboptimal.

Album Review: Pearl Jam – Lightning Bolt

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★★☆☆☆
Two Stars 

Ten studio albums. Ten. Pearl Jam are now as much of an institution as David Attenborough, but the Lord Governor of Africa on behalf of the British Empire (I think that’s Attenborough’s official title) has nowhere near the struggle for relevance on his hands that the Seattle rockers do. It’s been four years since their last album, and sadly the main thought reverberating around our heads in the wake of the release of Lightning Bolt is “why?”

‘Getaway’ gets the album off to an energetic start akin to being slapped in the face with a wet fish while Eddie Vedder jumps up and down on your chest and force-feeds you coffee out of an industrial-size oil drum. It’s a good song. The whole album is filled with good songs. ‘Sirens’ has a guitar solo that’ll set your soul on fire and ‘Mind Your Manners’ is dripping with classic Pearl Jam grungey disdain.

But the problem is the same one that all bands run into when they start becoming considered as ‘past masters’. Pearl Jam are supposed to be pioneers. In the 90s they were part of the Seattle grunge explosion that made the whole world take notice. Yes, Cobain hated them, but at least he cared. One can’t help feeling that if he were alive today, not only would he be making the finest, most progressive music on Earth, but he would also have completely lost interest in Pearl Jam.

It’s difficult to pick specific holes in an album like Lightning Bolt which is so obviously full of excellent musicality, and yet we’re still filled with the overwhelming desire to do so. They sound tired, they sound confused, and they sound old. Maybe this is unfair. Maybe it’s fine that Pearl Jam have produced another OK album that sounds the same as they always have, but probably not. Their success means they have to be held to a higher standard, and this standard has not been met.

The bottom line is, the fans will like Lightning Bolt, because it’s a perfectly decent album,but it’s nothing new. Pearl Jam are out of ideas.


Interview: Fossil Collective

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Oxford must seem like a second home to Fossil Collective by now. As they
tell me: “this is our third or fourth time. We’ve not been to the O2 before though.” Lounging in their dressing room they seem anything but intimidated. The band has been expanding recently (“We played America
as a three piece last year”) and now has five members. They slowly filter into the room during the interview like clowns cramming themselves into a tiny car. The more the merrier. The band’s debut album, Tell Where I Lie, is steeped in Americana influences and has had great success in America, going straight to the top of the New Albums chart after its release.

But why have they been so popular in a country so famously difficult for British bands to win over? “America’s a tough nut to crack but once you get your foot in the door it’s a big country so there’s lots of people there with different music tastes, and once you get started it’s easier to make inroads with a loyal fan base.” Dave Fendick and Jonny Hooker, the multi-instrumentalist founders of Fossil Collective, were both members of art-rock stylists Vib Gyor in a previous life. “Fossil Collective is completely different,” explains Fendick. “Vib Gyor was a really interesting experience, we’re really proud of what we did with them but this feels more organic and less forced.”

With so many bands around trying to make it to the big time it’s a bit of a mystery why certain bands achieve the holy grail of a feature in Cherwell whilst others fall by the wayside.

Comparing Fossil Collective to Vib Gyor, guitarist Sean Gannon stresses how much more “honest” the new band is: “Fossil Collective’s just about songs, it’s not about trying to be thisor trying to be that or trying to be part of some scene or something. When someone tells you the truth you can’t complain.”
I ask Jonny if they have plans for a new album, and he seems quietly optimistic. “The most important thing is not to think about it too much, but we do want it to progress.” They have a new EP coming out on October 28th which they say is about “giving something back to the fans”.

Having taken a good ten minutes to remember to mention this, they seem so proud of themselves for doing some proper promotion that the time for seriousness is over. Finally I ask what the band likes to do to unwind after touring (last year they did 19 consecutive dates). Fendick says he’s most excited about “getting home and opening all my post”. All the standard banter about women’s knickers ensues. The rest of the interview consists of the band making up their own questions. Fendick asks if we would we all rather have a monkey’s body with our own head or the other way round (obviously the former, who wouldn’t want a tail?). I leave as the rest of the band blockade Jonny Hooker in the toilet.

Review: Spoonface Steinberg

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★★★☆☆
Three Stars

There is nowhere quite like the Burton Taylor studio/attic. On a stormy night, like yesterday, the rain and crackling thunder are all too present within the theatre itself – was that an intentional lighting effect, or did the lightning just blow the studio’s electrics? As for the drama, the Burton Taylor attracts a unique combination of the profound and what can be politely described as drivel. Spoonface Steinberg is no exception.

The play is a one-woman show, in which the eponymous Spoonface Steinberg, a seven year old autistic girl, tells the audience about her life: she’s autistic, she likes opera, she comes from a dysfunctional family and she’s dying from cancer. This ought to pull at the heart-strings. Unfortunately it is just a bit tedious. We all know people die, and sometimes they live and die in ways that seem unfair.

But Lee Hall’s play, bloated with the unclear ramblings of an autistic child, adds little to this – the profoundest thoughts he gives us are a handful of belittling truisms. “The saddest things are the best things of all,” Steinberg repeats from her doctor at one point. Then she relates how her doctor’s mother had been incarcerated in a concentration camp during the Second World War. Thank you, Hall – there is no more patronising a way to provoke an emotional response than by irrelevantly summoning up the Nazis.

If the script is rather lacking, the production is brought back from disaster by the unwavering ability of Alice Porter, who plays Steinberg. She holds the audience’s attention without pause throughout the hour-long show, and never once slips out of the endearing character she has built up. It is hard enough for an adult to copy the physicality of a seven year old, let alone an autistic one, but Porter manages it very convincingly. A nice touch was the way she walked on tip-toe, which is typical of autistic children.

Similarly the set, though simple, convincingly recreates a child’s bedroom. A few toys, along with a framed poster of Offenbach’s Orpheus in the Underworld, are scattered on the floor and the back wall is obsessively decorated with crayon drawings. A stepladder, covered with a sheet and decorated with fairy-lights, holds the centre-stage and Steinberg uses it for some nice shadow puppetry at one point in the show. I gather the production team were happy with it too; “None of the set fell down – hurrah!” I overheard as I left.

Hall probably intended the saddest part of Spoonface Steinberg to be Steinberg’s final words as she tries to comprehend what nothingness means. The saddest part of this production was the waste of Porter’s talent on such a turnip of a script.

Spoonface Steinberg will be playing at the BT until Saturday 26th October

Cherwell app launched

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Get the app now on the Apple App Store or Google Play for Android

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Cherwell has launched an app for the iPhone and Android to bring its award-winning content to your mobile. Available today on the Apple App Store or on Google Play, you can see the latest news and videos from across the paper.

Glance at the headlines and read all our articles – everything is just as it appears online with photos and clips included. You can also vote for Fit College or use the Newsdesk to make contact with our editors. On Android, you can choose to receive alerts for breaking news and read our latest content offline. 

Get the app now on the Apple App Store or Google Play for Android

Features:
– Headline stories and news
– Most recent articles from across the newspaper
– Cherwell TV
– Vote for Fit College
– Write to the editors
– Offline reading (Android)
– Optional news alerts (Android)

The apps were developed by undergrads Patrick Beardmore and Sarab Sethi, and Cherwell’s web developer Adam Hadley.

Review: Out of Print

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Last week I watched Blade Runner, the cult 80s sci-fi film that imagines a somewhat dystopian Los Angeles in 2019.

In keeping with films of its genre and generation it has an endearingly oh-so 20th century conception of what the 21stcentury might look like: cities in the sky, flying cars, humanoid robots – you name it.

But amidst all that futuristic splendour there are newspapers, actual ink-on-paper newspapers. Hollywood futurology circa-1981 managed to dream up every outlandish creation going, but it simply didn’t occur that news might one day arrive on something other than dead trees.

What’s unfortunate, according to George Brock, who heads City University’s journalism department, is that it didn’t occur to journalists either. 

“The Internet will strut its hour upon the stage and then take its place in the ranks a lesser media”. So Brock teasingly quotes Simon Jenkins in 1997.

Jenkins, who used to edit The Times, now writes for the Guardian, a paper which has responded to plummeting print circulation by the unprecedented move of pursuing a ‘digital first’ strategy. Its problems are shared throughout the industry, forcing them to make editorial cut backs while searching for a business model that diversifies away from print revenue.

Brock neatly captures the malaise in a way that is comprehensible to the lay reader, though the narrative can be dry.

The book is at its best when it challenges the basic orthodoxy that the internet is killing journalism. The business model underpinning print media was coming apart well before new online entrants and social media emerged, Brock shows. 

And in fact by opening up a treasure trove of data, information and source material, there has never been a more exciting time to be a journalist. On the consumer side new technology may actually rescue newspapers, rather than killing them off.

That said, the age of industrial-sized media outlets is an aberration in journalism’s history, reaching a climax in the inter-war period. What need is there today for a newspaper covering everything from opera to Big Brother when a customised twitter newsfeed allows to pick only the content they are interested in, from multiple sources.

Brock predicts a return to an anarchic, more pluralistic market characteristic of the 19th century world of pamphleteers and activists. Politico, Gawker and Guido Fawkes are successful examples of outlets that have, at times, bettered old media, but Brock warns that even insurgent online start-ups like BuzzFeed, which as I write lists ’22 Hilarious and Disturbing Missing Cat Posters’ on its homepage, “will gradually become tougher competition for established players”.

Out of Print is a good primer in what journalism is (he refreshingly doesn’t subscribe to the obtuse notion that tweeting is journalism) where it has come from and where it might go. Brock’s story isn’t dazzling – I wanted more anecdotes – but it’s overwhelmingly shrewd.

The Sun: Distorted statistics and dangerous stigmas

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The Sun has done it again. Ten years after describing boxer Frank Bruno as ‘bonkers’ and ‘a nut’ for being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, they’ve now launched another offensive against the mentally ill. The newspaper published a front page headlined ‘1,200 killed by mental patients,’ relying on manipulated statistics to propagate the stereotypes mentally ill patients already face in the UK. Perhaps even more insultingly, the newspaper claims that the article is helping to improve mental health care.

The sensationalist headline reflects the widespread stigmatisation and intolerance of mental health across Britain. By scaremongering using misinterpreted figures, the newspaper just helps to empower the popular myth that anybody suffering from a mental health condition is violent, dangerous and a threat to society. This misconception runs throughout society, shown by the discovery that leading UK supermarkets were selling Halloween costumes marketed as ‘Mental Patient’ and ‘Psycho Ward.’ It seems bizarre then, that despite one in four of us suffering from mental health problems, mental illness is still misrepresented and vilified so readily. Perhaps the problem is the huge taboo surrounding mental health – Oxford’s own ‘Mind Your Head’ campaign highlights the fact that ‘60% of those who suffer from a mental health condition say that the stigma surrounding their condition is as bad as, or worse than, the condition itself.’ Until people speak out about mental health, the myths and damaging stereotypes that newspapers like the Sun circulate will go unchallenged. Moreover, the Sun’s article (supposedly written to promote mental health care) won’t make anybody more comfortable to speak about their experiences – and instead will silence and isolate many, no doubt making the problem far worse.

Equally concerning is that the figures themselves have been warped and exploited, causing the professor behind the original report to explain that it was ‘misquoted’ by the tabloid. The study measured the prevalence of convicted murderers who experienced symptoms of mental illness at the time the offence was committed. Its author makes clear that the report lacks evidence in any of the cases that the symptoms of mental health recorded ‘led to the homicide,’ and it is clear that the report is merely informing on statistics and not their cause. Similar data could be found when you analyse any aspect of society which is reflected in the makeup of criminals – whether it be a physical illness, ethnicity or a socioeconomic class. However, the finding that a certain number of cancer patients committed a crime wouldn’t be elevated to the front page in a hope that readers would assume that the presence of a tumour had caused the offence, and neither should this irrational conclusion be applied to mental health. Put simply, the newspaper has no evidence whatsoever that symptoms of mental illness caused a single one of the homicides it so readily blames on the mentally ill. Because of this, it is obvious that associating mental health with crime is not only damaging and insulting to anyone with a mental health condition, but it is also incredibly absurd.

Additionally, the Sun conveniently neglected that the report found that year on year the number of homicides committed by the mentally ill is falling. This adds to the mounting evidence that the newspaper had meagre respect for the truth when publishing its story.

The most shocking element of the article, however, is the abhorrent claim that it was written in order to promote mental health care. It alleges to expose a mental health ‘care crisis,’ and asserted that improvement was needed in the mental health sector. Peculiar then, that the newspaper chose homicides (1,200 over a ten year period) to highlight problems in the treatment of mental health, especially once other figures are considered. In a single year, a tenth of the time that the 1,200 homicides took place, 1,333 mentally ill patients committed suicide, a statistic that is unfortunately increasing. Is this not reason enough to reform the mental health sector? What the Sun article screams more than anything else is that the newspaper doesn’t value the lives of the mentally ill as much it values the lives of the rest of society.

This attitude towards mental illness is where the problem lies. Mental health care is still seen by many as a means of protecting society – it seems that we cling to a perception of mental health which would still practice lobotomy, electroconvulsive therapy and the use of straightjackets. But mental health, like physical health, is crucial to our wellbeing, and doctors should be justified to treat the mentally ill simply because they are ill, and not because society might be impacted if patients are left untreated. Furthermore, this dangerous perception isn’t confined to British tabloids – even the liberal Guardian resorts to using suicide rates to validate mental health education. Isn’t it enough to justify the provision of mental health care because mental illness, like any other health issue, has a detrimental impact on a patient’s quality of life?

The issue of misunderstanding the motive behind health care provision extends beyond mental health. Debates surrounding drug addiction, alcohol consumption and obesity are dominated entirely by economics; how much money the UK economy could save, the increased tax revenue if drug addicts could return to work, and how many days the British workforce lose to back pain. Of course economics are important – the NHS is after all a state funded organisation, but it is essential to remember that behind every statistic is an individual. As the Hippocratic Oath states, it is the health of patients that is a doctor’s ‘first concern.’ Hence, the wellbeing of patients should be enough to legitimise healthcare provision – without needing to rely on some fabricated threat to society. If the Sun really were dedicated to mental health, they would’ve realised this long ago. 

Exeter third years in matriculation photo prank

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The event was videoed, with footage showing a group of students dressed up as women running onto the quad, having a mock battle on the grass and then running back off the quad to applause and laughter. It all happened in front of the entire contingent of Exeter’s first year student, who were in the process of having their matriculation photo taken.

It is an Exeter tradition for such an event to occur on matriculation day; Ella Richards, a second year student at Exeter, explained, “It’s an Exeter tradition that third years come and disturb the matriculation photo. Two years ago there was a guy dressed up as Ronald Macdonald running around the quad, being chased by a second guy dressed as a policeman and squirting ketchup.”

This year’s prank was inspired by Monty Python’s famous ‘Pearl Harbour’ sketch, whereby a group of women from the ‘Townswomen Guild of Sheffield’ re-enact the Battle of Pearl Harbour. The sketch shows them proceeding to throw themselves repeatedly at one another in the mud, in much the same way as the Exeter students in this year’s prank.

One of those involved in the prank, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “This was simply the continuation of an anonymous college tradition, and little else can be added as an explanation.” He did, however, refer Cherwell to the video of the ‘Pearl Harbour’ sketch. Michael Palin, one of the founding members of Monty Python, is an honorary member of Exeter JCR.

The freshers seemed to enjoy the spectacle, with Cherwell reporter Ellen Brewster simply stating, “It was very funny!”

Profile: PD James

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PD James was born in 1920, the same year that Cherwell was founded by Cecil Binney and George Edinger. I, on the other hand, was born the day after Bill Clinton was inaugurated. 

It’s probably not that common for someone to feel a sense of terror at the prospect of meeting a 93-year-old woman, but, pacing up and down Holland Park Avenue in the driving rain (‘I must get there at exactly 11am!’), terror is exactly the emotion that I was feeling.

Never meet your heroes, they say, and PD James is exactly that for me. I picked up The Private Patient when it was published in 2008, and afterwards went back to the beginning and worked my way through the entire series of Adam Dalgliesh detective novels. In a post-Poirot world, PD James was my most important author. I didn’t admit it in my Oxford interview, for fear of being judged unworthy, but the only volume that had accompanied me was Death in Holy Orders (2001).

“Mr Hilton!” she says, offering me a hand, “or can I call you Nick?”. I assured her that she could, and she proceeded to use my shortened Christian name almost every time she answered one of my questions. Damn, I thought, she’s in her 90s but she’s twice as cool as most of my tutors and, best of all, she seems to understand the global importance of being Cherwell editor, labelling it a “terrific achievement”.

James never had the opportunity to study at university, despite being born on Walton street in Jericho. I ask her whether she regrets that, aged 16, she found herself beginning a long professional career. “Education is tremendously important and for those who are privileged enough to go to Oxbridge or any of the Russell groups, I think this is a marvellous start to life because you do meet other intelligent people. It is a very valuable experience of life, but it’s not the whole experience and it doesn’t last for very long.

“I’m sorry I missed it really, because having a few years to study a subject you’re genuinely interested in, and genuinely good at, is a great thing.”

James’ professional career has focused on bureaucracy, first with the NHS and then in a long spell at the Home Office. She remarks that the latter was particularly interesting to her, as it has to strike a “balance between personal freedom and good public order.”

For those familiar with his novels, the debate between personal freedom and public order is no stranger. Her hero, the reticent detective and poet Adam Dalgliesh, is entirely driven by twin desires for privacy and justice.

“I wanted him to have in him something of the old romantic hero but I wanted him to be a good policeman. I wanted him to be fairly private, someone whose source is not easily shared.”

For a detective writer, having a successful poet for a protagonist poses something of a creative difficulty. Throughout the Dalgliesh novels, James resists the temptation to replicate her hero’s poetry, but the situation was nearly very different. “I had the same editor at Faber and Faber as Auden had and he said ‘we’ll ask Wystan to write some poetry for Dalgliesh’ and I was very keen on that, but unfortunately he died. I don’t know whether he would or not but I didn’t get any poetry for Dalgliesh. The critics would’ve said ‘how very unwise of PD James to attempt to produce poetry’ and I could’ve said ‘shucks to you, that was Auden!’”

When, in a fanboyish moment that ill-befitted the grandeur of her Holland Park residence, I quiz her on Dalgliesh (who she had ‘retired’ after The Private Patient) she teases me with details of a new work.

“He’s retired… well, not quite retired. He’s called back to do one last thing — but it’s going to be very different — and this will be actually the end of Dalgliesh. I’ve got an idea for one, I’ve got a plot. I’m working on the plot at the moment and I hope to write one more. It will be Dalgliesh and Emma really, the relationship between them, but there will be an investigation. There will be a murder.

“I’ve got the setting, I’ve got the victim andI’ve got the motive, but it’s very difficult at 93 because you’re desperately anxious that the book should be good and I don’t want to publish anything that I think’s inferior, I’d much rather rest now on what’s been achieved.”

I find that my excitement at the news of a concluding chapter to the Dalgiesh saga somewhat overshadows the slightly melancholy note to what she is saying. Times have changed since the publication of Cover Her Face in 1962, a novel which self-consciously harked back to the Golden Age of detective fiction. James acknowledges this, and notes, “the Golden Age was totally artificial really, and with war pending the artificiality was quite accepted… Virtue was virtue and evil was evil. People who committed murder got hanged and no one worried very much about that. It was quite a reflection of the years before the war and certainly the social divide was pretty strong.”

But times have changed, and the figure of the ‘Gentleman Detective’ has all but disappeared (Dalgliesh is often described as the last bastion of his stock character type).

“Nowadays they’re far more realistic and one’s got to be realistic”, she accepts without resentment. She can appreciate the way that Scandinavian crime fiction addresses social realities without ever feeling that it diminishes her own achievements: “I think that literature should give pleasure and I don’t think that’s said often enough.”

Simple pleasures that can be attained from a tightly plotted detective novel are at the heart of everything she writes. “I never felt I needed to do something more serious or rise above it. The detective story is in many ways more difficult. It’s got to be a credible plot, reasonable, exciting, intellectual satisfaction. It’s very interesting how many highly intelligent people love them.”

She is, it seems, satisfied with the control that can be exercised over her plots. In a life that has seen tremendous highs and horrific lows — her husband died prematurely after returning from the war incapacitated by mental illness — she manages to remain philosophical about the whole experience.

“Nothing that happens to you will ever be wasted. That goes for the unhappy things as well as the happy things: it’s a lifelong thing really, and one learns from people and from experience. The experiences of falling in love and falling out of love, these things which are sort of central to the human life, and they happen as part of life for most of us: so nothing is wasted for the novelist.”

Her gratitude for life’s successes seems wholly genuine (“I’ve gotten a great deal of happiness from life, and, of course, a great deal of success and a great deal of money!”) and not burdened by false modesty. At 93-years-old she is still generous with her advice, and seems reflective rather than introspective. As someone who has grown up with her presence as a benign figure on dust jackets, it gives me a thrill every time she answers one of my questions.

Stepping out onto the street having helped pick up the junk mail from her hallway, I feel a burst of appreciation for the time and interest that she has offered. Like the Golden Age of detective fiction — and Victorian sensibilities about politeness — it might well all be built on an artifice, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling as though one of my literary heroes has lived up to every part of my expectations.

By the end of our conversation, and when attention had turned to her new novel, she seemed to become more nostalgic about “reaching the end of a very long life”. Without a hint of bitterness she tell me that, “when you’re 93 you have to face the fact that you’re not going to have all that many years left. It’s the small things you miss: the garden, getting the Sunday papers, walking in the park…

“But everything that happens — there’s something there that’s stored up — the griefs as well as the happiness, that’s living life fully. It doesn’t mean going all over the globe, Jane Austen managed to live fully in a small town. I’ve been so lucky, so fortunate, I feel very grateful.”