Thursday, May 1, 2025
Blog Page 1460

Back-to-Uni Shopping List

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A trip to WH Smith just wasn’t enough to satisfy the appetite, and so, in a ‘back-to-school-shopping’ whirlwind of excitement, the Cherwell Fashion university essentials wish list was born. Realistically, for those of us returning to Oxford there probably won’t be much spending until our student loans come through (and even then, we’re more likely to find ourselves paying our batels than splurging on Lanvin notebooks). But for those of you who have just received your results, met your offers, and are about to embark on the frantic off-to-university shopping trip with your parents? Perhaps you’ll have a better chance at picking up a little bit of luxury before Michaelmas commences…

 

For the Boys 

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Kenzo blue printed iPad case, £115; ASOS laptop bag, £25; Sandqvist Sinclaire 13” laptop case, £45; Lamy ‘Pico’ ballpoint pen, £30; Smythson ‘Genius’ Wayfer notebook, £35; Bodum Brazil French press coffee maker, £20 at John Lewis; Keepcup large size reusable coffee cup, £10.50; Edwin Blyde & Co. pewter hip flask, £50 at John Lewis; Uniform Wares 100 series classic steel wristwatch, £120; Jimbob Art ‘Mr Bear in a Suit’ coffee cup set, £49.95; Herschel Heritage backpack, £55; Bric’s suit and garment bag, £160; APC leather trimmed backpack, £150

 

For the Girls

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American Apparel silver lamé rucksack, £44; Campo Marizo ‘Minny’ Fountain Pen £20; Liberty London ‘Red Iphis’ iPad sleeve, £95; Marc by Marc Jacobs Work It Baby Got leather trimmed backpack, £290; Lanvin hardcover notebook, £40; Big Tomato Companyheart mug with platinum/24ct gold detail, £19.95; Marc by Marc Jacobs 13” ‘Mareika’ embossed neoprene laptop case, £55; Keepcup medium size reusable coffee cup, £9.50; Bodum Brazil French press coffee maker, £20 each at John Lewis; Caran D’Ache 849 Fluro set of three ballpoint pens, £45; Longchamp customized Le Pliage bag, from £84 at Longchamp.com

 

 

 

"Au coin": The French Naughty Step

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The Naughty Step

It’s half-past 8 in the evening; the parents are out enjoying their childless evening and back at the house its absolute chaos. Children 1 and 2 are point-blank refusing to get into their beds, let alone go to sleep; meanwhile Child number 3 has just woken up from a nap and is demanding her supper in the only way she can: with the loudest yell she can muster. I’m still covered in remnants of dinner (who thought that mashed potato was a good idea?) and I’m trying to think of something to do to get them to listen to me. It’s remarkably difficult to tell someone off in a different language and unfortunately my first-year French course hasn’t taught me anything about disciplining naughty French children. All my threats of “do you want me to get angry?” have been met with a resounding “mais oui!”, I suddenly remember what I used to hate as a child: the threat of the naughty step.

Placing child number 3 back in her cot, where she definitely can’t fall over, eat off the floor or pull my shorts down, I announce loudly that I’m going to count to five and at five, whoever is not in bed and quiet will be going au coin (I don’t know the translation of ‘the naughty step’, so ‘in the corner’ will have to do). Triumphantly I look down on two confused faces as the girls try to work out whether or not I’m serious and whether or not au coin is a better deal than au lit. As I reach 5, praying they’ll give in and just go to bed, child number 1 decides it’s all a merry joke and continues counting, whilst her number 2 stands at her side, giggling. The naughty step it is, then.

5 minutes later: as I expected (or rather, was wishing with all my heart), the prodigal daughter returns, looking very sad and sorry for herself. She gives me an apology, a roughly muttered “pardon Liz” and then promises to lie down and be quiet. Peace at last!

Finally, I’ve done it. I’ve succeeded in making 3 children behave and I did it all in French. I march victoriously up the stairs (the bedrooms are all downstairs), looking forward to a long-awaited silence and inwardly smiling at my success.

It’s only when I reach the top of the stairs that I can hear the girls laughing at my stupidity. Of course they aren’t going to sleep. It’s time to think of something else.

Feeding time at the zoo

Two days ago, we all bundled into the car and drove to the zoo, one of the biggest in Europe. As we watched the animals being fed, I couldn’t help but be reminded of mealtimes with the children; just as loud, messy, and unexpected.

Mealtimes are indeed interesting occasions here. The children have 4 meals, the one extra being ‘le goûter’, eaten in the middle of the afternoon. This is eaten anywhere and everywhere, from in the classroom to on the beach. The other meals, however, are eaten à table. This doesn’t bode well for three active children who are hungry but would much rather be doing something else.

Getting them all to sit at the table is a task in itself. With the exception of the 11-month-old, who can easily be picked up and strapped into her highchair (therefore incapable of escaping), they require chasing and persuading to leave their colouring and sit up. Before they mount their chairs, a vigorous programme begins to strip them of the bizarre things they bring with them; one time child number 2 brought her blanket “because it was hungry too”.

Once sat down, we begin our meal. Thankfully, all 3 children are excellent eaters and will happily gobble down goat’s cheese, pickled anchovies and spinach with gusto. It doesn’t really matter what you put in front of them, they’ll most likely eat it. Now seated and beginning the meal, they are also very enthusiastic, to the point that it begins to pose problems. As soon as she hears the sound of cutlery on china, or the joyful ping! of the microwave, child number 3 begins to bounce up and down with excitement in her chair and if you don’t get that food in her mouth within 5 seconds flat, there’s trouble. The same goes for dessert; if she sees her petit suisse whilst still finishing off her main course, you can forget the main and throw it away before she does; she can often be found later on with bits of food in her hair and ears from the spoonful of food she swatted away.

Like child number 3, the others become distressed when they learn that the meal is over, there is nothing more for them to eat and they have to leave the table. Tears and tantrums ensue when one appears to have slightly more than the other, or eats too quickly and therefore runs out first. Quite the gourmande myself, the child inside me resents having to give them some of my own food when they finish before me and are still hungry. It’s mine and I want it. Deal.

Food hygiene is also a novelty for the girls; one day this week we made cakes and when they were brought out to eat, child number 2 proudly showed us which of the cakes she had made by repeatedly plunging her finger into each one.

As for the zoo, I’m sure I didn’t imagine the parents’ sighs when child number 2 replied to the question “so what was your favourite animal in the (very expensive and extremely varied) zoo?”; smiling sweetly she pointed across the road towards a pond by the car park… “I like the ducks!”

Lingo bingo

It’s been just over a week since I started au pairing and speaking French has started to become natural. My first word of the day, usually a disgruntled “quoi?” as I am awoken by a little voice outside my room calling “Leeez? Leeez??” (they still can’t say Liz properly) is in French, as is my last. Speaking to friends and family over Skype, I discover that I have to think hard to find the words I need to speak in English, my mother tongue. Being so immersed in the culture is a fantastic experience and I would heartily recommend it to anyone studying a language; never before have my linguistic skills been so tested or improved.

I must admit, however, that there have been a few slips of the tongue. One day, enthusiastically telling the family an anecdote, I accidentally related that it “s’est mis a pleurer” (it started to cry) instead of “pleuvoir” (to rain). Another time, whilst searching in a supermarket for a crème-brulee-style dessert, I asked the shop assistant for the “crème aux yeux” (eye cream) instead of the “crème aux oeufs” (the pudding). For those who don’t speak French, those two things honestly do sound extremely alike.

Not all of these language blunders have been from me; alas, the well-known irritating cartoon kitty character has been transformed by these French children into a catcall (excuse the pun) one might hear in rapungi from a suspicious elderly gentleman: “’ello titty”. It’s probably a blessing the parents don’t speak English.

There are also some phrases that the family uses which strongly remind me of something we would hear on this side of the channel. Things such as “that’s the last time I tell you that”, “what’s the magic word” or “do you want a smack” are often flung about the house, pointing out the similarities of family units, despite being in vastly different cultures. Possibly my least favourite recognisable phrase, heard coming from the smallest room in the house is “j’ai fini”. I’ll leave you to work out what that one means.

Finally, for anyone who has the tiniest bit of doubt as to whether my English is still up to scratch, here’s a conversation I overheard in the car on the way to the beach, between the two older children and their friend:

Friend: (presumably gesturing to me) So who’s that?

Child number 2: That’s Liz. She’s English.

Child number 1: She’s our English girl.

Friend: But she speaks French?

Child number 1: (with an air of authority) Yes. I think it’s normal. In England they have to speak French too.

Friend: I would very much like it if she would say something in English.

Child number 2: I’ll get her to do it. Leeeez? Can you say something in English?

Me: What do you want me to say?

Friend: English things!

Me: (in English) What do you want me to say?

The girls all look at me with mouths wide open, like I’m an alien (which in a manner of speaking, I probably am)

Friend: (turning to child number 1) She really is English!

Mamamamamama

Today marks the end of my stint as an au pair. It’s safe to say that I have mixed feelings about finishing. Sure, it’ll be nice to have my own space again without fear of children entering (being in the shower, in bed or in the bathroom doesn’t stop these girls), and to have a more relaxed vacation, but there’s something to miss about it too.

It’s not always tears, tantrums and terrible trios, much as it may seem. I’ve learnt lots and have been rewarded for my work – not just my pay at the end but in terms of getting along with the girls and learning about their likes, dislikes, fears (the witch in Sleeping Beauty) and what they want to be when they grow up (firewomen).

I’ve been fought over as a playmate, dinner companion and story-teller. The children would begin each day by setting out what they want to do, provided that it was something “avec Liz”.

This being my second year, I didn’t have to endure the experience of heading off into the unknown, at a rendez-vous point I’d forgotten. Last year, I packed my bags and set off to a family I’d never seen or met and they had no idea what they were letting themselves in for either. They welcomed me, told me to treat the house as if it was my own, and always made sure that I was coping, kept informed and enjoying myself. They were just as lovely, if not lovelier this year.

Last year, I was around (not physically present at!) for the birth of child number 3. This year, I was reintroduced to the same girl and was privileged to be there for her 1st birthday; even given the honour of baking her birthday cake. When I first picked her up, she wouldn’t stop crying. Now when she sees me, she raises her arms and cries until I lift her up and give her a cuddle. She greets me with “mamamama” or “papapapa” , a performance previously reserved exclusively for her parents.

After numerous nappy changes (oh, the joys of young children), sending the baby to sleep and juggling carrying one child whilst trying to play with another, the mother joked that I have now got my children’s “diplome”.  In a way that feels merited; having never before had experience of looking after very young children, I think I didn’t do half bad. Child number three responded by giggling and clapping her hands. Cute.

It’s the economy, stupid

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Just a few short weeks before Margaret Thatcher died, I asked Nigel Lawson to sum up her bitterly contested legacy. He told me, “This country was in a dismal state, and Thatcher single-handedly turned it around; I think she will go down in history for that, both here and around the world.” By a curious twist of fate I happened to write this interview up in Glasgow just after the death of Britain’s most controversial modern Prime Minister, where popular sentiment towards her death was anything but Lawson’s ringing endorsement. The Scottish Daily Mail’s front page headline spoke of the “Flames of Hatred” as “30 years of Left Wing Loathing exploded” while the Scottish Daily Record asked if Thatcher’s gravestone should read “RIP 250,000 lost jobs in Scotland.”

I met Lawson for coffee in the Lords, a symbol of the inequality so inherent in British society. Lord Lawson of Blaby is a striking figure, a man of cool demeanour and keen intellect. Following his education at Westminster and Christ Church, he started out as a financial journalist, so I asked him of his time as a financial journalist, and what a journalist should do to operate successfully. “One of the roles of the press is to be in permanent opposition, whichever party is in power. There is a fundamental difference between the role of ministers and the role of the press, and I switched to the other side of the fence in a sense.

“One of the major problems is that economics is often full of obscurantism. Economics nowadays has become very mathematical, and that is a mistake. It means most economics is a pretty useless activity nowadays, and economics is a study of a particular kind of human behaviour. Now mathematics is a tremendously important discipline, but it has nothing of any use to say about human behaviour, and to try and derive human behaviour from mathematics is a fools’ errand, and the economists who do that are very little use to anyone. As for how the journalist should convey economics – they should try to convey it on the basis of an accurate understanding, and they need to make it in clear plain English, not in economic or mathematical jargon. If they can’t do that, it probably means they are incapable of thinking very clearly themselves.”

But what of the purpose of economic policy itself, of which Lawson had control over during seven of the British economy’s most crucial years, from 1983-1989? Thatcher herself said in a Sunday Times interview that “economics is the method, the object is to change the human soul.”

“If she said that then I disagree with her;” he answers, “I don’t think you can change the human soul, and if anyone can, it’s not going to be politicians. Most people like to improve their material conditions and they will do that by exercise of their own hard work, industry, ingenuity, enterprise and so on. But what the only purpose of the government’s economic policy should be is to create the conditions to let individuals, whether together or in companies, to give it their best by working hard and creating technological breakthroughs and so on. The governments only role is to create the conditions to enable people to do so.”

In a follow up email, he told me “the Sunday Times headline is wholly misleading, as she was not talking about the soul at all. She was explicitly referring to ‘the heart and soul of the nation’, which is a metaphor for what might otherwise be described as either the essence or identity of the nation.”

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He speaks of Thatcher’s legacy, noting, “The people recognised that the country was in a very bad way, and that unpopular policies might well be necessary.” He referred me to his memoirs, in which he said, “But we did not seek (the people’s) assent in advance – nor, rightly, did they expect us to. We would be judged by results. Democracy is nowadays
a greatly over-hyped
blessing, particularly by Americans,
 who have no pre-
democratic his
tory to provide 
perspective.”

He goes on to completely rubbish the idea that there is any kind of link at all between the economic liberalization of the 1980s and today, saying,

“I don’t think that idea is in the slightest bit fair. I introduced the Banking Act of 1987 which inter alia created a high-powered Board of Banking Supervision; this was subsequently abolished by Gordon Brown, to be replaced by a largely dysfunctional system, and this can scarcely be laid at the door of Thatcher’s government… And if you look at the history say of the last hundred years, you see there have been periodic banking crises and they all have a number of features in common. The idea is somehow, that most crises are somehow the fault of the bankers, but the regulators at this point were useless. There were, I think, failures of government policy at the time that made it worse, particularly in the United States. The idea that the events of the 1980s had anything to do with it is complete rubbish.”

Considering his status as one of the country’s most influential elder statesmen, I quizzed him on the banking crisis under the Labour government, one that he blames for the worst excesses of the crash. “I think that they were absolutely right in that when the largest banks were on the verge of the collapse, bailing them out was definitely the right decision. The damage to the economy would have been catastrophic; it would have been even greater than the damage caused as it was. But the terms on which they rescued the banks were not nearly tough enough; they paid far too much for too little. They made a big mistake of not having a complete stake, not just a controlling stake; they needed to get rid of a lot of people who caused us a whole lot of trouble.”

“They were right to step in,” he continued, “but they did so on terms that were far from ideal.”

But he has also been one of George Osborne’s greatest supporters. Considering all the recent ill omens for the Chancellor, such as the recent credit rating downgrade, I ask him what it would take for him to retract his support from the Chancellor’s current economic policy? “If they think that the only way that I would withdraw my support from the current government is if they changed their policies. The US and France don’t have a triple-A rating, and it is nothing to do with the policy; it is to do with the overall strength of the economy. I don’t have any respect for the ratings agencies regardless, as they were the ones who endorsed explicitly the policies that got us into this mess.

“From my own experience – from what we did in the early 1980’s – this is the right policy. We’re in a very difficult context, it takes time. First of all, under the Brown chancellorship, there was an enormous pileup of debt, household debt, government debt, which got too much to handle. The government has to put its own household in order. Then again there was, mainly as a consequence of greed and folly, a banking meltdown, this disaster; that is, where the banks were not able to fulfil their proper economic function of financing small and medium size enterprises like they should be able to do.”

In a drastic step, Lawson has recently advocated Britain’s withdrawal from the EU. Of Europe, he says to me “So long as the single currency persists, and they are determined for it to, then the European economy is likely to underperform. This has a big impact on the UK, because it’s our biggest export market. There is a remedy for British businesses and industry, which is to be seeking export markets and exporting opportunities in the developing world. China is growing fast; India, Korea and a number of other countries are developing fast, while the Eurozone staggers from crisis to crisis. I think they could be looking to the former Commonwealth, and there are many countries in Latin America which are starting to get their act together. We live in a globalized world, in which it is perfectly clear that the greatest growth prospects lie outside it. Britain should be able to benefit from its oft neglected historical ties.”

Finally, I ask for his advice to those considering a career in politics, to which he has a fairly surprising reply. “I think it’s a big mistake for any youngster to go straight into politics. I think a politician would be able to make a much greater contribution if they have had a previous career being something else; and by that I mean something else. I don’t mean the scurrilous things that happen now, where they were in a research department for a political party and worm their way into being an MP. I mean something that gives you an outside perspective. By all means have an ambition. But first you need to widen your horizons as far as you can.”

Review: King Krule — 6 Feet Beneath the Moon

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★★★★★
Five Stars

The excitement surrounding Archy Marshall (aka King Krule)’s first album has been building for a while. He featured on several songs on Mount Kimbie’s recent acclaimed album. Celebrity fans include Frank Ocean and Tyler, The Creator, and when he released a song from the album earlier this month it was endorsed by Beyoncé. Marshall says he ‘wasn’t surprised’ that Beyonce liked the track- a track he wrote when he was 12 years old. It is therefore unsurprising that when he decided to stream the album ten days before its official release on the 24th of August (his 19th birthday), his website instantly crashed.

Those in the pile-up will not be disappointed – 6 Feet Beneath the Moon is mesmerising. It combines reworked songs from Marshall’s back catalogue (some released under his previous moniker, Zoo Kid) with a sprinkling of new tracks. Unusually for an 18 year old starlet, Marshall actually had years’ worth of material to draw on. His eponymous EP, out two years ago, was followed by records under the names Edgar the Beatmaker and DJ JD Sports, each with radically different styles. The inclusion of Marshall’s old tracks only serves to increase the intensely personal nature of the album, encapsulating his personal progression as a musician (hence the birthday release date).

Characteristically, the album refuses to conform to a genre; new-wave choppy guitar riffs compete with hip-hop style sampling, while dubby tape-delays layer languorous modal jazz chords. In his terms it’s ‘a very big jumble’. iTunes calls it gangsta rap.

Marshall’s gruff voice and twitchy, agitated guitar riffs hold together this varied soundscape. Frantic bebop solos in ‘A Lizard State’ give way to wistful guitars backing Auden-inspired lyrics in ‘Ocean Bed’. ‘Neptune Estate’ is pure gloomy trip-hop, coupling morose vocals with a hazy throbbing breakbeat and a steadily building horn. ‘Out Getting Ribs’ begins with an ominous twanging guitar that wouldn’t sound out of place on a spaghetti western soundtrack, but the track quickly turns into angst-ridden melodrama. The song demonstrates Marshall’s ability to rework a track – it’s more refined than the Zoo Kid version, more emotionally charged.

The album’s nocturnal, dreamy feel may owe something to the production skills of Rodaidh Mcdonald (producer of the xx’s self-titled, multi-platinum album). 6 Feet Beneath the Moon is pervaded with ethereal melancholy; Marshall describes the album as as ‘Blue Wave’ and after listening I knew what he meant. Some of the piano samples are Bill Evans, and the mood is certainly Kind of Blue.

 

Stream Six Feet Beneath The Moon in full here

Private school pupils edge state school counterparts

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As students across the UK receive their A-Level results, the latest statistics suggest that pupils from private schools are more likely to receive a place at Oxford than pupils from state schools, even if they have received the same A-Level grades.

The information, obtained by the Guardian, reveals that amongst pupils who obtained three A*s or more at A-Level, pupils from private schools were 9% more likely to be offered a place at Oxford.

The information will come as fuel for those who believe that the interview process favours pupils from the private sector. However, a spokesperson for the university told the Guardian, “Admission to Oxford is based purely on aptitude and potential for the chosen course, without regard to school type or any other factor. The university puts enormous effort into assessing individual aptitude and potential, using a wide range of means. We do not know students’ A-level grades when selecting, as they have not yet taken their exams Aptitude tests, GCSEs and interviews, which are used in our selection process, have not been explored in this analysis.”

In some cases the imbalance was revealed to be subject-specific, with private school students much more likely to gain places in Classics, whilst there was greater balance amongst those applying for degrees in medicine, PPE and Economics and Management.

Over the past three years, 3,196 state school applicants received three A*s or more and 1,474 received offers. Over the same period, 2,175 private school applicants similarly received the top grades, but just over half – 1,098 – received offers.

The release of A-Level results has also sparked the perennial debate over grade inflation. Despite many years of increasing pass rates, this year the number of papers graded at A or A* has dropped for a second consecutive year. 26.3% of entries received the top two grades, compared with 26.6% in 2012 and 27% in 2011.   

Early figures also suggest that there is a shift in focus of subjects taken, with an Ofqal spokesperson telling the Telegraph “This year, we are seeing the trend of movement towards the more traditional subjects at A-level continue, possibly driven by greater awareness of the courses universities prefer and competition for places. This could mean the results look different.”

Overall, applications to university have increased, up 13% on last year, and UCAS has stated that the number of acceptances is the highest ever with 385,910 total acceptances as of midnight, up 31,600 on the same point last year, ensuring that the competition for places at Oxford and other top universities is as tough as ever. 

Dear Successful Applicants…

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Dear successful applicants,

Congratulations on achieving your grades. Making your offer is 90% of the battle and you’ve done it! If you didn’t get your grades, well, this letter is not addressed to you.

Your As and A*s have made you the pride of your school, your family, heck, maybe even your town. Today there’ll be local news teams at your school, clamouring to speak to all the successful Oxbridgers who are tasked with inspiring the next generation. If that doesn’t make you feel tremendously smug, then the obligatory celebratory family dinner really ought to. And you’ve earned it after all those hours spent studying for your GCSEs, AS-levels and A-levels.

Over the next few days you’ll probably get pangs of worry. ‘Oxford is going to be really hard’, you’ll think to yourself, ‘I’m not going to make any friends, I’m going to be found out as a fraud!’ It’s quite the comedown after the success of your exam results. Suddenly you realise that A-level History is not actually that difficult. Suddenly you realise that the secondary reading you’ve been assigned for your first essay is more than the entire contents of your school library. If this doesn’t cause you to panic then, well, I salute you again.

The next few weeks will be both fantastically free and oppressively condemned. You know that, by the final days of September, you’ll be locked into a three-year sentence that only ends where the real world begins. You’ve got to make your time at home count; no vacation will be the same again. You’ll rush to see all your friends before you leave, go on an anxious family holiday, get drunk and laugh and pretend that you’re REALLY EXCITED to be heading to Oxford, all the while cowering in terror at the sight of the word.

And then, in the first week of October, you’ll head to Oxford. You came for interviews, in the winter when most of the students had left, except for reclusive and harassed looking third years. Back then it seemed idyllic- you pottered around the town, you worked a little bit in your top-notch interviewee room, and you left with pride at being ‘an Oxbridge candidate’. In October that façade will crumble. You’ll realise that you’ve been set an essay in fresher’s week, or worse, if you’re a maths student, that you have an exam to sit. You’ll realise from countless faculty and general library inductions that you’re expect to ‘work independently for eight hours a day’, and that you can’t be sure whether tutes and lectures will be at 9am the morning after your favourite club night, or bizarrely placed on Saturday afternoons.

And you’ll be sold tickets to three or four different events during the week, which you’ll feel an obligation to go to, even if you’re going to spend the next few years never setting foot again in Carbon, Lola Lo or Rappongi. And when you wake up the next morning, the feeling of dread will grip you again, and you’ll scurry to be the first fresher in the library.

The dirty little secret of Oxford, however, is that it’s not that hard. You’ve been sold a lie. Your teachers at school are in on it. The national papers are in on it. Your tutors at Oxford are in on it, heck, they’re the ones who started it.

Getting into Oxford is the difficult part. It’s difficult not because A-levels are hard (you’ll realise very swiftly how easy they are), but because it’s a lottery. Some great students will miss out; some shitting students will get in. It takes hard work, yes, but it also takes a lot of luck. You might’ve had to get three As but, chances are if you’ve been accepted to Oxford, that wasn’t the most taxing proposition. The real fear was that, last December, you were going to be overlooked in favour of Mr Self Confident Eton-Thompson, or Miss State School Quota. All the rumours- good and bad- are true, and the result is an admission system that rewards the lucky, rather than the brilliant.

But lucky you are, and now you’re at Oxford, facing its infamously difficult curriculum. Your tutor has dedicated their entire life to academia and sits you down and tell you that THIS IS IT- this is the best place for the most brilliant people. Just like them. It’s a self-aggrandising boast, albeit a fun one, and you should take it with a pinch of salt. Oxford is a place for lucky people who worked hard enough to get a few As at A-level. If you managed that, then you’ll be able to cope with your course here. 

Your real enemy at Oxford isn’t the work. It isn’t the nights out that write you off for the next day. It isn’t the horribly time consuming extra-curriculars like the Union, the Blues or Cherwell. It’s the fact that you’ll be constantly scared of failure and constantly supposing that you’re on the brink of it. You’ll sit and worry that your marks aren’t good enough, your essays aren’t incisive enough, your bibliography isn’t long enough, your lab work isn’t precise enough, your vocabulary isn’t big enough, your translation isn’t accurate enough…

But it will be. So long as you’re confident, you’ll be fine. You’ll learn to get by working a few hours a day. You’ll become used to staying up late at night to finish an essay. And you’ll become immune to the constructive criticism of your tutor who, after all, is just there to help you. And, suddenly and mysteriously, it will all cease to be that difficult, and everything you spent the last month worrying about will just float away…

Of course, that’s not to make you all big headed. If you don’t worry about your work at all and choose to go out all the time and then come back late and make loads of noise outside my window, well, I will kill you. I want you to enjoy your degree, so long as you enjoy it quietly and nowhere near me.

Congratulations,

Disgusted St Aldate’s

The Do’s and Dont’s of Results Day

So, you’ve toiled away for two years working up to those final exams, each one went worse than the last and all you can think is how did I even manage to get this far? You’ve found out your results and realised that, after endless worrying and comparing of answers, you actually did alright, better than alright – you did pretty well! But wait, you’re thinking, I’ve made my offer… I actually have to go to University… Do NOT freak out! Help is at hand – here’s our trusty guide to making it through Results Day and navigating the start of your time at Oxford.

DON’T read the tabloids on Results Day…

It will either make you feel annoyed at the girl beaming out of the front page who got 17 A*s at A level a year early or defeated by the “decreasing difficulty of modern day exams” – rose-tinted glasses have no place on results day! The tabloids can be good for a few things though – check the Telegraph for information on available courses for clearing if you don’t get your offer!

DON’T suddenly decide to buy a College hoodie or, even worse, a matriculation hoodie prior to arrival (or even when you get here)!

DON’T WORRY about…

The confusing Oxford lingo or the weird traditions. You’ll slip into the habit of calling bills battels and tests collections before you know it (that’s when you have to be worried!)

The online system of Oxcort and Weblearn will either end up being your constant companion or like that guy who you never realised was in your year until the last day of term – the point is either way you’ll find out when you get here, don’t fret! 

Reading Lists! They are unimportant! There is an art to understanding a reading list: take “suggested reading” in its loosest form (superfluous) and “obligatory” as “please, at least buy the book”. However, we would recommend getting any work that you can’t blag out the way before you arrive in Oxford or you’re in for either a very awkward meeting with your would-be tutor or a painful and boring Fresher’s week (no one wants an essay crisis in the first week!)

Be careful on your Fresher’s page…

You may have been added, added yourself or even created a Fresher’s page for your College and yes, we all know in our heart of hearts that we had a little stalk before we got to said College but here are a just a few pointers on how to navigate such a page:

Please, please, PLEASE do not add anyone before you’ve met them!

Do not be gullible! Posts such as “the Dean has asked us to inform you that since renovation of the new Fresher’s accommodation they have failed to replace all the mattresses from the old building. He would therefore like to ask you to bring a mattress for the first few weeks whilst this mistake is rectified”

And whatever you do, DO NOT post on your College/the University Fresher’s page. If you do please steer clear of these overly boastful and downright embarrassing posts:

a.  OMG 3A*s! Who else feels relieved?! Oxford here I come!

b.    Do we need to bring a waste-paper bin? I wouldn’t ask but my mum wants to know!

c.     Does anyone know if we need to bring a kettle (you do!)? I’m willing to bribe with cake for an answer!

 Don’t be a dick!

Others may not have reached their grades and are going through the stress of re-applying/hastily planning an impromptu gap year and do not need to be surrounded by Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/other social media posts which flaunt your success!

Lastly, and most importantly, CELEBRATE!

OUSU again voted least popular student union in the UK

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Oxford University Student Union (OUSU) has been ranked as the worst student union in the country for the second year running, in a student satisfaction survey published last week.

The annual National Student Survey, a high-profile annual census of nearly half a million students across the UK, ranks institutions for ‘student satisfaction’ in a number of areas. 

Oxford’s student union was given a satisfaction rating of just 36%. This score was even lower than in last year’s survey, which saw OUSU come joint last with Oxford Brookes student union with 39%.

Tom Rutland, OUSU President, told Cherwell, “Clearly the result is disappointing, but it is unsurprising. This result is best understood by comparison with another. The Student Barometer Survey, which asks students the question of who has ‘used’ the Student Union, and then asks them of their satisfaction with it, delivered a 92% satisfaction rating in 2012. 

“It is clear that when OUSU reaches students, it provides outstanding services and assistance to them. The problem is that most students aren’t reached by OUSU, hence the 40% of students who responded to the NSS saying they were neither satisfied nor dissatisfied with their Student Union.

“OUSU’s poor communication is a direct result of its lack of resources, but we’re working to change that with the hiring of a Communications Manager for the new academic year. Students elected me to sort this out, and they recognise that it’s about time this world-leading University provided its students with a world-leading student union, not one that comes bottom of league tables.”

However, the results have caused some students to again question the relevance of a central student union to the collegiate Oxford system. 

One Brasenose student commented, “Whatever they do behind the scenes, I think the fact that Brasenose had a concrete bust run for OUSU President says a lot about students’ attitudes to the student union.”

Lincoln JCR President Rachel Jeal commented, “I think that whilst OUSU is an incredibly valuable resource at Oxford, it does play a very different role to that of most other universities as a result of the services provided by individual JCRs. Most of OUSU’s work is done in areas beyond that of normal student life, such as working with Oxford City Council and providing help and advice with rent negotiations.

“Therefore whilst it does not provide entertainment and social services in the same way that most Unions do, due to the independent Entz and Welfare teams that are so important in JCRs, on a wider platform it is an important forum for working with Oxford town and giving JCRs advice on some of the key decisions that need to be made throughout the year.”

However, some were more sympathetic. Queen’s JCR President Jane Cahill, “I think OUSU does a great job with the students it does have contact with, the problem is it doesn’t interact with a many students as it would like. It needs more money, it needs more space and I think as students we have a right to demand that from the university so that we can belong to colleges through our JCRs, and to Oxford University through our student union.”

Council donates bikes to Oxford homeless charity

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Oxford City Council has announced it will be donating abandoned bikes to charity Broken Spike Bike Co-op, in order to provide homeless citizens with ‘practical skills’ and greater ‘ownership’ of their lives.

The bikes provided by the council will be used by Broken Spoke in partnership with Crisis Skylight Oxford, a charity for homeless and vulnerably housed people around the city.

The charities will provide free Build-a-bike courses, which aim to instruct participants in bicycle-maintenance and repair. Participants will be able to keep the bikes at the end.

As many as 119 abandoned bikes were removed from around Oxford by council officers last year.

Ellie Smith, from Broken Spoke, said, “Not only are we diverting abandoned bikes from the waste stream, we’re also giving Oxford residents an opportunity to learn practical skills and take direct ownership of how they get around.”

The partnership between Oxford City Council and Broken Spoke has been described as “fantastic” by councillor John Tanner, board member of a Cleaner, Greener Oxford. He said, “We work hard to make sure [abandoned] bikes are not causing a hazard or cluttering up our streets, and now we are thrilled to be able to put these unwanted items to even better use to benefit the local community.”

News of the partnership comes as the government announces plans to spend £94 million in England to improve road conditions for cyclists. Oxford is to receive £0.8 million of the cash injection, with the council planning to spend the funds on improving The Plain, one of the city’s busiest roundabouts. The current scheme will reduce the width of the circulatory passageway in an attempt to further improve the safety of the roundabout for cyclists and pedestrians.

Prime Minister David Cameron has voiced his desire to incite a “cycling revolution” after British success at the Olympics, Paralympics and Tour de France, stating, “This government wants to make it easier and safer for people who already cycle as well as encouraging far more people to take it up”.

Professor David Cox, chairman of the cycling charity CTC, added, “We now urge MPs of all parties to speak up for cycling in Parliament in September, calling for the funding needed to transform Britain’s streets into a continental-style Cycletopia.”

Oxford is well-known for its cycling culture, and the City Council is working to improve conditions for all cyclists, hoping that 20% of journeys to work will be made by bike by 2021.

Media coverage of immigration ‘overwhelmingly negative’

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A major study of newspapers by Oxford researchers has found coverage of immigration to be overwhelmingly negative

The study found the word ‘illegal’ was often linked to ‘immigrant’, while ‘asylum seeker’ was usually paired with ‘failed’.

The researchers, from the Migration Observatory at Oxford University, looked at 58,000 articles in every national newspaper in Britain.

They looked at the words most commonly used in the discussion of immigration, with ‘illegal’ the buzz word in both broadsheets and the tabloid press.

Many campaigners have voiced concern over the prejudicial language used across the press.

“The bias in much reporting on immigration isn’t just bad journalism, its undermining Britain’s prospects for economic recovery,” said Atul Hatwal of the Migration Matters Trust, speaking to the Huffington Post.

Immigration is key in cutting Britain’s deficit, he said: “But in a media climate where most of what’s reported is negative, the real debate we need, about how to best harness migration to support economic recovery, is barely heard.”

Similarly, Judith Dennis, of the Refugee Council, said she preferred the term ‘refused’ ahead of ‘failed’ in the case of an asylum seeker.

She also pointed out the problems surrounding the use of the work ‘illegal’, noting that people entering Britain from troubled areas such as Syria often could not gain a visa in advance meaning they arrive in the UK without legal documents. This presents a very different scenario from the general impression given by the phrase ‘illegal immigrant’.

“I think some of it is genuine misunderstanding,” she said. “People do not realise when they are using the term, they might not have thought what the impact of that might be on someone who is described as illegal. It simplifies people’s stories.”

Taking a closer look at the results, the researchers produced a list of top words in tabloids for immigrants, including ‘coming’, ‘stop’, ‘influx’, ‘wave’, ‘housing’ and ‘sham’.

Many of these also featured in the mid-market range, including the Daily Mail and the Express, while the broadsheets’ list included ‘Muslim’, ‘Jewish’ and ‘children’.

The researchers said the language of numbers (for example thousands, millions), and security (suspected terrorists) were common.

Tristan Mora, a student at Exeter College who comes from Michigan, argued that although the research focused on Britain, it reflects an imbalance of coverage found in much of the western world. “Immigration and the immigrant population in the US are negatively represented, with a similar usage of words like ‘illegal’ and ‘failed,’ and I find it ludicrous and insulting.

“While there would be problems with an overflowing ‘illegal’ immigrant population, I have seen no such apocalyptic influx and if anything immigrants should be welcomed with open arms to countries where they seek to improve their standard of living.”

Dr. Scott Blinder, Acting Director of the Migration Observatory at the University of Oxford said: “Immigration is a very prominent issue in British national newspapers, and these media outlets play a major role in the nation’s political dialogue, so it is very important to have a comprehensive picture of this discussion.

“Our data show that illegality, the failure of asylum claims and the size of migrant inflows and populations are clear focal points for newspapers of all types.

“It is extremely difficult to untangle whether media drives public opinion about a subject, or whether it is politics or public opinion that drives media coverage, or some of each.

“But understanding the language newspapers use to describe migrants helps shine a light on how they are playing their role in the complicated relationship between media, politics and public opinion.”