Tuesday, May 6, 2025
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The Premier League’s worst XI of the season

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TEAM NAME: Deportivo Lack-Of-Talent

MANAGER: Mark Hughes

Earlier this week, some Welsh bloke picked up a couple of awards, while the rest of our multi-millionaire footballers patted themselves on the back about another job well done. Enough is enough. It’s time for these overpaid, overhyped ballkickers to take a reality check. This is the 11 we all really want to see: the most inadequate, underwhelming and downright awful footballers to grace the Premier League in the last 12 months. (N.B. This article would have been quicker to write by just listing the entire QPR side, but I was told that was a cop out. Bloody Journalistic standards.)

GOALKEEPER – Pepe Reina.
The Liverpool stopper has had possibly his worst season since arriving on these shores. In February, stats gurus Opta said that Reina‘s mistakes had cost Liverpool 14 points this season. Without those faults, Liverpool would have been sitting in 3rd place. His error against Manchester City — allowing Sergio Aguero to equalise from an impossible angle — all but ended his side’s Champions League challenge.

RIGHT BACK – Bacary Sagna. It’s always been easy to
malign Arsenal’s defence, but when you’ve been outshone by Carl Jenkinson, it really is time to have a long, hard look at yourself. Sagna’s inability to both attack and defend have caused Arsenal all sorts of problems this year, and the penalty which he managed to give away on Sunday summed up a fairly dreadful season for the once dependable Frenchman.

CENTRE BACK – Clint Hill. So yes, QPR are easy targets, but when you
have a glorified Sunday league player in your side almost every single week, going down is always going to be on the cards. Other than being a bit ’ard and British, it’s quite challenging to see what one would put into Hill’s ‘pros’ column. Harry Redknapp might be seen as a tactical mastermind, but seeing Hill’s name on the teamsheet must make Premier league strikers up and down
the land explode with joy.

CENTRE BACK – Titus Bramble. Do I really need to expand? He’s horrendous. Sunderland have been horrendous. And I see a direct causal link between the two. In almost every respect, Titus Bramble is currently stealing a living. The Wearside outfit’s defence in general is a who’s who of Premier League mediocrity: Phil Bardsley anyone?

LEFT BACK – Andy Wilkinson. If there were any footballer I would not like to meet in a darkened alley, it would be him. Yes, he can kick people. Yes, he can kick the ball quite high and quite far. Yes, both the abilities I’ve just named are probably top of Tony Pulis’s ‘Qualities I need in a footballer’ list. But in reality, Andy Wilkinson can’t defend, pass, shoot, tackle or dribble. A bit like me.

RIGHT MIDFIELD – Antonio Valencia. Last year, AV7 would have been in most people’s Top 11s, but he’s certainly suffered a dramatic fall from grace. His confidence seems to be shot, and as he’s no longer willing to take on his defender, his role in the United side is about as pointless as a Ryan Giggs superinjunction™. All in all, it’s been a barren season for United’s
wingers.

CENTRE MIDFIELD– James Perch. I never thought I’d have to say a Premier League footballer was ‘like a crap Danny Guthrie’ but… Perch, the ultimate utility man, has shown himself to be a jack of all trades, but he is certainly a master of none. His first half of ineptitude against Liverpool was truly the icing on a season which one could kindly describe as ‘limited’, or cruelly describe as ‘an absolute horror show of truly epic proportions’.

CENTRE MIDFIELD – Park Ji-Sung.
He was dropped from the QPR side. Must I elaborate? But seriously, this one is as surprising as it is upsetting. Always dependable for United, Park has failed to recreate his form in West London. Despite taking on the extra responsibility of captaincy, he couldn’t galvanise his team into the success he was used to. I’m still convinced he’s your man if you need a 0-0 away from home in Europe though…

LEFT MIDFIELD – Scott Sinclair. Okay fine, Gareth Bale had an alright season. Mr Sinclair on the other hand may be a new name to you all. He used to play for Swansea, remember? Tipped to play for England? One of the country’s finest young players? This season, however, he’s managed a grand total of 11 appearances in all competitions, and he often fails to make the Man City bench. This is a lesson for you ‘E and M’ers: don’t just follow the money kids.

STRIKER – Nikica Jelavic. Like every player that comes to England from the SPL, I tipped Nikica to make a huge impact and in 2011/12 I was proved right. But despite Everton’s success this season, Jelavic has fallen off the rails, managing only seven league goals. Outshone by Victor Anichebe, there are rumours that Big Sam is now eyeing him up – I hope he’s been working on his flick ons.

STRIKER – Emmanuel Adebayor. Did you see that penalty? Deary me. Often playing second fiddle to an onsong Jermain Defoe, Adebayor has struggled for form and goals this season, and it seems that he won’t be in AVB’s plans much longer. With Benteke on the Spurs’ boss’s wishlist, the Togan international may soon be heading to foreign shores. How does a nice £100,000 pound a week contract in the MLS sound to cheer you up, Emmanuel?

SUBSTITUTES
Chris Samba – QPR shelled out £12m for a series of clumsy performances
in central defence from the Frenchman. It was hoped Samba would bolster the R’s leaking defence, but he has done little to prevent their slide into the Championship.

Pavel Pogrebnyak – Reading hoped Pogrebnyak would supply the goals to keep them in the Premier League. He didn’t. Scoring a mere five goals so far this season, Reading have been forced to turn to the plucky Adam LeFondre who, for all his efforts, cannot be relied upon as a regular supply of goals.

Jammin to… ‘Biggest Fan Ever’ by Filthy Boy

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Filthy Boy’s lead singer Paraic Morrissey has got to be one of the scariest 19-year-olds I’ve ever seen, standing on stage with curled lip as he belts out lyrics about sado-masochism, rape and sex parties. With a voice that would sound threatening whatever it was saying, and an incredible talent for disturbing and haunting lyrics, he fronts Filthy Boy with a swagger which belies his young age. ‘Biggest Fan Ever’, the penultimate track on the band’s debut LP, is the story of a man who kidnaps another man with whom he is obsessed and plays out his sick fantasy of their marriage.

Right from the start, as Morrissey tells his imaginary victim “you ain’t goin’ nowhere/not ‘til you’ve been fed” in a laconic yet sinister drawl, a sense of discomfort is created which pervades the entire track. The chorus wades into Morrissey’s character’s sexual fantasies as he manages to inject even the most prosaic of lyrics with an undeniable threat, “I’ve just made the dinner/and you say it’s lovely” before becoming explicit, ordering his prisoner in no uncertain terms to “fuck me/you fuck me hard, hard in the arse like a superstar”. The song continues to build in distressing the listener, piling unease upon unease relentlessly until a climax is reached. The police find Morrissey’s character, and shoot him dead, only for the house in which they are hiding to burst into flames, “he’s taken them with him”. As Filthy Boy’s constructed world burns, Paraic’s brother Michael raises his lead guitar to a fever pitch and the song hits a crescendo as Paraic growls at the top of his voice “I’m your biggest fan ever/One day we will be together”.

This is definitely one for those who are tired of soppy love lyrics pervading everything they listen to, but it’s not one for those who don’t like walking down dark alleys alone at night. Especially when Paraic Morrissey is on the loose.

Review: 1984

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I was apprehensive before watching Matthew Dunster’s adaptation of 1984 at the O’Reilly. The density of dialogue and scarcity of action renders this play a challenging production. Originally a book by George Orwell, 1984 explores a dystopian world where ‘Big Brother’ rules ‘Oceana’, a country divided into party members, and proles. The proles are not seen as human beings. The slogans ‘War is Peace’, ‘Freedom is Slavery’ and ‘Ignorance is strength’ monopolise the characters’ lives. They are in constant fear of the thought police, who monitor any possible divergence away from the party. Orwell presents a love affair between party members Julia and Winston, and how they work to undermine their party through secret rebellion. However, their efforts are futile, as they callously betray each other and disintegrate into mere shells of human beings through psychological torture.

Matthew Dunster has done well to capture this horrific and unsettling omnipresence of the party throughout the play. The large screen in the theatre frequently plays a short propaganda film chanting praise for Big Brother, which furthers the credibility of the play and heightens the play’s disturbing air. The voice-over which reads out Winston’s diary entry as he fearfully scribbles away is powerful and skilfully done. Much of the play’s success does go, in fact, to its technical aspects, which really bring Big Brother to life on stage. Those who have read the book will be pleased to hear all of the most significant quotes have been incorporated; however they could have been injected with more intensity to procure further horror. ‘If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a man’s face-forever’: 1984’s most famous quote was rather lost amidst conversation.

The acting is good, particularly from Julia, who effectively portrays the character’s slightly masculine and provoking nature, and O’Brien, who maintains an aloof and sophisticated demeanour, and a wonderfully hypnotising voice. Winston’s character is harder to act, despite being the protagonist, for his is the least memorable. He has almost no charisma, as in the book, which makes the heavy dialogue quite dull at times. Perhaps Dunster has adhered too well to the book, and the play would have benefited from cutting a few scenes and reducing dialogue. This said, effort was put into providing constant background action such as meticulously coordinated robotic party members performing tasks.

One little hitch was the bed: the only prop on stage. It began to creak and crumple early on, and gradually, painfully continued until it collapsed as Julia and Winston sat on it. However, it was a relief when it finally did, and we could relax in the knowledge that it was at last broken.

Altogether, an ambitious but successful performance. 

THREE STARS

"Porn is not inherently misogynistic"

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The debate by Anna Cooban and Jennifer Brown in Cherwell on whether colleges should ban internet porn from their networks was badly argued, written and informed. Both pieces rested on dubious assumptions and a naïve approach to pornography: Brown’s article misused statistics astoundingly, while Cooban’s ignored some of the most important arguments in opposition to colleges banning porn.

Firstly, Brown showed a complete failure to differentiate ethically between consensual and non-consensual scenarios. For instance, the line “I am sure few will argue that porn which depicts women being raped, put into cages or performing oral sex on a dog, is really ‘suitable’ late night viewing” did not distinguish between the two acts which are both non-consensual and illegal (rape and bestiality) which are therefore already not permitted and require no further regulation, and an act which may well be fully consensual and part of a BDSM scenario (being put into a cage). Similarly, she states that it is not right for a woman to submit to her male partner during sex, which again erases the experiences of women who enjoy consensual BDSM activities (and assuming, as is often the way, that all BDSM involves female submission and male dominance).

Secondly, I want to touch briefly on Brown’s failure to demonstrate a causal link between the viewing of porn and cosmetic surgery: the argument essentially ran: “Porn! 9843 ‘boob jobs’ in the UK this year! Therefore porn bad!” One data point is not enough even for me to warn against assuming that correlation is causation; Brown did not even demonstrate correlation, or look at all at the break-down of that statistic.

Thirdly, Cooban’s argument against banning porn brings up, rightly, the way in which it is not just porn which affects self-image, behaviour, etc. However, she ignores two significant arguments against the banning of porn by college networks. The first is the way in which it affects students who may also choose to be sex workers, cutting off valuable sources of income. I quote from an email sent to me by a sex worker and Oxford alumna, Violet Rose: “Student sex workers might face loss of earnings if fewer people could view their sites and … purposely causing loss of earnings for other students seems like a wilful lack of worker solidarity between students, which may not have been apparent to more privileged (non-working) students”. (As requested, a link to her website. Largely safe for work.)

The second is just as significant: porn filters frequently block not just pornography and erotica, but also sexual health resources, particularly those for LGBTQ people: I would suggest that it would be negligent and harmful for colleges to put porn filters in place with this in mind. LGBTQ young people who require sexual information or even just wish to explore their sexuality using porn or erotica may be negatively affected.

Finally, I need to address the assumptions made by Cooban and Brown about porn. Porn is very much a feminist issue, but I take issue with the pessimism Cooban and Brown display. Much of the porn industry is misogynistic and aimed at men. But there is a burgeoning effort by many to produce ethical porn, porn which treats women as sexual agents and is female focused, queer porn (which treats transgender people with the respect often denied them by the mainstream porn industry) and feminist porn. There is erotica, for instance, like the Hysterical Literature video series (to be found on Youtube) which focus on women’s pleasure for its own sake, as opposed to more overtly performative displays of the female orgasm. For a college to institute porn filters banning ethically produced, non misogynistically presented and overtly consensual porn means that the filters boil down to preventing – or trying to prevent – adults making an informed decision to watch other adults engage in sexual acts, which is frankly bizarre. Porn is not inherently misogynistic and dangerous.

Review: The Goat or Who is Sylvia?

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The Goat or Who Is Sylvia? is Edward Albee’s disturbing tragedy which explores the morality of human beings when faced with issues of sexuality, pedophilia, incest, rape and most significantly, bestiality.

The play is being performed as part of Brasenose’s Arts Week which will commence in third week. It will appear alongside other plays such as Noel Coward’s Hay Fever.  I would, however, suggest that the Goat or Who Is Sylvia? willhave the most lasting effect upon audiences, due to its controversial and unsettling nature.

This play introduces us to Martin, a middle aged, world famous architect. Stevie, Martin’s wife of twenty years, is still madly in love with her husband and they both adore their teenage son, Billy. All of the characters are thoroughly content with family life. However, their world is shattered when Martin’s best friend Ross raises the question, ‘Who is Sylvia?’ at the end of Act 1. The response to this question consumes all of the characters for the rest of the play; for Sylvia is not only Martin’s lover but also a goat.

Martin’s neurotic hand movements together with the continual shaking of his leg, indicate he is unstable from the start. He is a tormented soul, trapped in a nightmare of moral oblivion, with no clear way out. Tom Dawling plays this character exceptionally well, creating a suitable balance between solitary depression and outbursts of real hysteria. Sarah Abdoo, as Stevie, cleverly portrays a mixture of anger and shock and her scathing attack on her husband is effectively manifested through her calm, yet blistering tone.

The most memorable scene of the play, for me, was that between Ross (Josh Dolphin) and Martin, where Martin reveals that his lover is a goat. Dolphin’s disgusted yet disbelieving expressions created an emotional scene, foreshadowing the breakdown of more relationships in Act 2.  With the exception of the odd slip away from the predominantly very convincing American accents, the cast have little to work on.

The play all takes place in one, initially very tidy sitting room, though by the end the set mirrors the disorder of the characters’ lives. The second half dragged on a bit, losing momentum at some points, simply because only one topic consumes every conversation; bestiality. The constant use of the word ‘fuck’ in multiple different contexts became slightly monotonous at times but in its literal sense was apt for a play overpowered by different forms of sexuality. In the final moments of the play, a further disturbing twist grabbed my attention. By the end, the audience looked physically drained- this is no play for the faint-hearted but most definitely worth a watch. 

FOUR STARS

Review: Hay Fever

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I don’t think there’s a collective noun for ‘luvvie’. A stageful? An affectation? A flounce? The overt theatricality of the Bliss family in Coward’s Hay Fever, performed as part of Brasenose Arts Week, begs the question. Fading actress Judith, novelist husband David and their two bored children Sorel and Simon deliberately cultivate domestic drama, indulging in each other’s intrigues and using their guests as props in the family’s extended artifices. It is a play that neatly ticks the boxes of the thirties farce – whimsical witticisms, intricately tangled relationships, long strands of pearls and the 10.15 back to London – whilst also subtly parodying them.

In the deliberate melodrama of their every action, the characters become the conscious creators of the own Cowardian farce. Unbeknownst to the others, each member of the family has invited down a guest for the weekend – for Sorel, Richard, a sober diplomat; for Simon, the aging temptress Myra; for David, gawky flapper Jackie; for Judith, Sandy, a besotted young fan. But amongst much convoluted partner swapping, their guests are not so much love interests as victims. All affection is revealed to be affectation and even the audience struggles to decipher between pretence and reality. But as the Bliss’s games are revealed to us, we too take savage delight in the ghastliness of their theatricality and Coward’s arch satire of suburban bohemia.

Gags are slick and perfectly timed, with the pauses between Coward’s sparkling lines often as excruciatingly funny as the words themselves. Emily Lassman’s matriarchal Judith is a triumph, a hilarious meeting of ‘Leading Lady’ and ‘Lady of the Manor’ and a cut-glass delivery of thespian histrionics. But acknowledgement should go to each of the impressively strong female members of the cast – Sorel (Clare Pleydell-Bouverie)’s mixture of brattishness and sophistication; the languourous cynicism of Tori Mckenna’s Myra; Phoebe Griffith’s jaded French accent as the maid. Melissa Thorne was particularly good as Jackie, the flapper invited to be ‘studied’ by David, cultivating an innane, bambi-in-the-headlights grin that perfectly establishes her character’s dazed gaucheness.

Performed in a marquee in the grounds, with a croquet pitch to one side and a Pimms vendor to the other, the outdoor situation ties in almost unnervingly well with the play’s country house setting. Since the afternoon was a gloomy one it was a pity the lighting rig wasn’t made use of, but set and costume are both pitched just right – ‘period’ enough to anchor the characters in context without becoming too elaborate for a small and relatively cramped stage.

Though the beginning of the third act struggles slightly after the intensity of the second, the farce ultimately manages to maintain its freshness and Brasenose’s production is polished, superbly funny and easily rewarding. Bliss-ful hilarity in a summery setting. 

Preview: Frost/Nixon

Ksenia, the producer of Frost/Nixon, tells us that this is going to be an ‘immersive experience’. Of course, she cannot give anything out; we just have to go with it. So I and my fellow reviewer from that other newspaper walk together through the theatre door.

So immersive is the experience, in fact, that I fail to realise it has begun. At the door, we are surrounded by a group of actors eager to chat. ‘Hello, I’m David’, says a guy in a crisp chequered shirt. ‘How has your day been so far?’ He gives me a firm handshake. He smiles congenially and listens intently. David is so smooth that and I don’t have a spare beat in which to question what’s going on. Only after a few minutes of small talk do I remember that I am the journalist here. ‘Are you Mr. Frost?’ I ask, sheepishly. ‘Yes, David Frost’, he confirms, smiling, graciously smoothing over my faux pas. All this while, I’ve been talking to a celebrity. So, we are here to meet the team. A round of handshakes with Frost’s entourage follows. Everyone is smiling, polite.  Then we move to the other end of the room and do our introductions with Nixon’s team. The actors’ improvisation skills are stunning. Conversations flow, and a sense of expectation builds up: we are getting ready to take part in a historic event. ‘Mr. President, it’s my honour’, I tell Nixon (what else do I say?). It’s all too real. More introductions, handshakes. Finally we are invited to sit down. A lot of movement ensues, the camera crew are running around the stage, counting out the seconds until Frost and Nixon go live.

Frost/Nixon is going to be brilliant, and its strength is the meticulous character studies. Everyone has developed their role so well that, as they demonstrated, they can go without a script. Some of the supporting actors are inevitably defined by only a few characteristics – Jonathan Purkiss’ Jim Reston is the embittered idealist who hoped to subvert the system; Hannah Bristow’s Evonne is a tomboyish camera operator, stern and driven. Most of the supporting roles remain one-dimensional, but they build a good background against which the Frost/Nixon saga can play out.

It is a treat to witness Frost and Nixon’s confrontation. Both Ed Barr-Sim as Frost and Aleks Cvetkovic as Nixon show versatility and quick wit. Cvetkovic’s portrayal of Nixon’s emotional manipulation is amazing. The story of how an anti-war protester spat in his face shows a good approximation of remorse, while at the same time he makes it clear that it’s all for show, deep down he doesn’t care. Cvetkovic’s Southern twang, which he learned for this role, is flawless. Barr-Sim powerfully conveys Frost’s oscillating between self-assurance and a begrudging admiration for Nixon that takes over him against his will. I wished the preview would continue, and that we would get to see Nixon break down.

Instead, we are back to immersive mode, and we get to ask Frost and Nixon questions. I ask Frost about his strategy in the coming interviews, and he says that, of course, he wants to uncover more about Watergate. Not any hard facts though, but rather more on ‘Nixon the man’. ‘I think the emotion would make for better TV’, Frost says. Damn right it will. Nixon explains that he will speak about his ‘childhood, family, and all that’. There is going to be scandal and soul-searching. Get your tickets ASAP, this is a spectacle not to be missed. 

Review: The Trial

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Immediately we could tell that this play was going to be ambitious. Gathered in the round with a small, rectangular stage in the centre, we sat amongst the actors with white painted faces and already felt like we were being watched. When Joseph K. entered, he looked around at us all as though he was already on trial and it became clear that the director, Sam Ward, had done an excellent job with the staging. Throughout the play the transitions between scenes were inventive and seamless, with the actors switching character quickly and effortlessly. The scene changes were only slightly let down by the costume choice of clunky shoes for the actors, which detracted from the intense mood by stomping off and around the stage, giving the performance a messy air. This was made worse by the lack of matching costumes for the chorus figures, but other than that they were very enjoyable to watch, particularly Josie Richardson who gave a very controlled and intense performance, enticing us into Kafka’s world with her excellent physicality and fluctuation of tone.

A personal highlight was the retelling of the arrest of Joseph K., played by Alex Shavick. This particular scene was the very best of The Trial, with the abstract elements enhancing the storyline, rather than making the performance seem slightly typically student-y, as other parts appeared. It gave the audience a glimpse of what the play could be like if it was tidied up a bit, which is a quick, interpretive piece of theatre that questions normality and draws in the imagination of those who watch.

Other bits were less neat, though, with Shavick having too many long monologues, since he was not particularly convincing as Kafka’s character, anyway, with there being a distinct lack of emotion. In parts, too, it did seem like the story of an arrested man who is extremely attractive to women, and the way he seemed to constantly be being seduced by women did get repetitive, as did some of the abstract techniques that were employed – especially everyone shouting at once to highlight claustrophobia. 

Yet Ward must be applauded for this new and exciting interpretation of what is, in some ways, a complicated play. The general intrigue about Joseph K and what he can have been arrested for was not lost, and as Shavick stumbled around the stage, we could relate to how he felt. The enclosed space around him gave the impression that he was constantly on trial, giving the piece a sinister edge that worked very well.

Kafka’s The Trial was always going to be difficult to perform at the BT with a cast of only six. Usually the play demands a much larger cast, and is therefore easier for us, the audience, to understand. Despite challenges faced, The Trial was a good attempt, and had many good ideas; it was just a little messy.

THREE STARS

Review: Midnight at the Rue Morgue

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Midnight at the Rue Morgue is of that theatrical ilk whereby you will be thoroughly confused within the first five minutes, and whether this confusion is resolved by the time you leave is almost entirely dependent on how prepared you are as an audience member to receive what the cast attempts to offer. They do not deliver a plot, not in the conventional sense; rather they allow a potential plot to crystallise out of a series of explorations of illness and madness. The audience remains standing throughout, free to move throughout the space, and the more you allow yourself to do so (perhaps not a show for the easily self-conscious) the more rewarding your stay at the ‘Rueful Morgana’ will be.

The ‘Rueful Morgana’ comprises four tables in four corners of the BT studio – four clear zones for each of the protagonists. The overall space is commanded by the in-house mesmerist (Alice Young). Young’s ability to physically manipulate and interact with the audience is excellent – crucially, she is able both to focus the audience’s attention onto certain characters and to draw focus to herself as necessary, without resorting to overwrought gestures or noises.

My main criticism of the piece is, however, the frequency with which three of the four characters were guilty of such things – in particular the tarot card reader (Alex Wilson) whose portrayal of madness was simply overcooked, flinging his cards all over the floor at regular intervals and whirling dervish-like around the room for no discernible reason. Although there is usually one character intended as the main focus, there is constant action in all corners – at its best, this creates the thrill of having an individual experience (witnessing, for example, the ‘suicide’ of the ventriloquist (Filip Ferdinand Falk Hartelius) with a joke pistol whilst most of the audience watched the Burlesque routine) but at its worst is simply a distraction when characters with little to do resort to miscellaneous ‘mad’ behaviour with little clear intent.

By far the most intriguing character in the room is Dr. Egaeus Fowler, portrayed by Rosie Polyn. Such is the nature of the piece that Polyn’s quietly spoken Doctor risks becoming lost amidst the frenetic action of the rest of the cast, but of course as an audience member you are totally at liberty to ignore their more wantonly theatrical antics and spend time instead watching the Doctor at work. Polyn’s skill at interaction was such that there was no sense of boundary between actor and audience – at one point she offered me a model of a jaw and tiny magnifying glass, and her quasi-religious fervour as she explained it was ‘not a thing to admire, but to analyse’ was chillingly believable.

Whereas looking into the eyes of some actors occasionally revealed nervousness at close proximity or the self-consciousness of interaction, hers were always alive and bright with the story of her character. Hers was a doctor dedicated to the work, darkly thrilled by the impulse to explore and discover, eager to share and yet disgusted by the compulsion. Despite the sobbing and wailing in which many of the other characters engaged, hers was perhaps the most believably ‘mad’.

In order to make the most of all that Midnight at the Rue Morgue has to offer, you have to go in prepared to actively engage with it – to explore the space, interact with the characters and their props, to attempt to discover what’s going on. If you simply watch the action as an observer, you will almost certainly leave the theatre clueless as to the show’s aims, main themes, even its basic plot. For many I imagine this could be perceived as a great flaw, but once you realise that you are totally at liberty to trawl through the tarot cards, shuffle through the doctor’s notes and help him dust his skeleton it can become a thoroughly immersive and fascinating experience. Grab the proverbial bull by its horns (or the raven by its wings, more appropriately) and you begin to see the method behind the madness. Judging by the reception of the piece by large parties and individuals, I actually strongly recommend you sneak off to this one on your own, all the better to lose yourself and be transported. Go on, I dare you.

3.5 STARS

Jammin to… ‘Biggest Fan Ever’ by Filthy Boy

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Filthy Boy’s lead singer Paraic Morrissey has got to be one of the scariest 19-year-olds I’ve ever seen, standing on stage with curled lip as he belts out lyrics about sado-masochism, rape and sex parties. With a voice that would sound threatening whatever it was saying, and an incredible talent for disturbing and haunting lyrics, he fronts Filthy Boy with a swagger which belies his young age. ‘Biggest Fan Ever’, the penultimate track on the band’s debut LP, is the story of a man who kidnaps another man with whom he is obsessed and plays out his sick fantasy of their marriage.

Right from the start, as Morrissey tells his imaginary victim “you ain’t goin’ nowhere/not ‘til you’ve been fed” in a laconic yet sinister drawl, a sense of discomfort is created which pervades the entire track. The chorus wades into Morrissey’s character’s sexual fantasies as he manages to inject even the most prosaic of lyrics with an undeniable threat, “I’ve just made the dinner/and you say it’s lovely” before becoming explicit, ordering his prisoner in no uncertain terms to “fuck me/you fuck me hard, hard in the arse like a superstar”. The song continues to build in distressing the listener, piling unease upon unease relentlessly until a climax is reached. The police find Morrissey’s character, and shoot him dead, only for the house in which they are hiding to burst into flames, “he’s taken them with him”. As Filthy Boy’s constructed world burns, Paraic’s brother Michael raises his lead guitar to a fever pitch and the song hits a crescendo as Paraic growls at the top of his voice “I’m your biggest fan ever/One day we will be together”.

This is definitely one for those who are tired of soppy love lyrics pervading everything they listen to, but it’s not one for those who don’t like walking down dark alleys alone at night. Especially when Paraic Morrissey is on the loose.