Wednesday, April 30, 2025
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Interview: Anya Reiss

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At 21, Anya has had a sell-out production at the Royal Court, written an adaptation of Chekhov’s classic ‘The Seagull’ and is currently writing a screenplay… the novelty of collections is starting to ebb away at this point. Having enrolled in a course at the Royal Court she won a competition and was accepted into the adult course, where she received a lot of support from the theatre in her early career. I wondered how, at the prime age of 14, when I (and many others like me) was merely awaiting my GCSEs, she got noticed in such a way that it started her career – for her it was simply a case of “doing the same as everyone else on the course”, she says.

Her age seemed to me and to others a huge bolster for her success within the industry – not only is she successful in her own right, but this success seems to have come so early on. She describes her age as a positive force, giving her publicity, but also unremarkable to her: “I only only noticed it once articles were being written about it” she recalls.

Despite this she says that “constant focus on her age” from the press has been “frustrating” as it gives license to undermine what she means to do with her plays. It is undeniable that most interviews with Anya and reviews of her plays (which have been hugely complementary) reference her age, with one applauding her ability to understand and portray the emotional stand-point from each character in her plays (ranging from teen to middle-aged parent). She is able to fully understand these different generational figures and viewpoints but yet her age is sometimes used as a defence for something that she did very readily intend to portray in her plays.

Her age has both evidently helped her with publicity, but at the same time has been a bit of a kick in the teeth, she muses. As someone who is four years fully integrated in the industry, she says that after a few plays you’re “experienced whatever your age”.

A lot of Anya’s work has been based around young people: one of her most recent works has been part of a collaboration with the National Theatre in their “Connections” project.

Projects are “essential” for young people, a happy relief from being “frustrated that there were so few real plays which young people could perform” as a teenager.

Ten playwrights were commissioned this year to write plays, the National Theatre then cast young people from all round the country for these plays as a way to involve a younger generation with drama. Working with the likes of Lenny Henry and Howard Brenton, Reiss has been described as part of a “stellar line-up” but denies any hint of this simply expressing her enthusiasm for the project which is “exciting because [the plays] are written about British teenagers and for British teenagers” rather than just using them as props. Although Reiss had a personal interest in the project, having been part of it from a young age helping to develop the plays, she claims that these types of projects are “essential” for young people that were a happy relief from being “frustrated that there were so few real plays which young people could perform” as a teenager. In fact her most enthusiastic statement about the industry is when she starts talking about her friends’ engagement with her work, saying “Nothing has felt better than when I get a friend who doesn’t go to the theatre to watch a play and they’ve had a good time.”

Reiss’ interaction with her friends and peer group is normal, she claims that she does “live mainly like a student, a very lazy student in that I can go out whenever I want and unless I have a meeting I don’t have to worry about a hangover or a late night” but that the difficulty of her job lies in the fact that “free-time” isn’t really a thing – at any point she “could/does feel like [she] should be working” as her job isn’t a 9 to 5 affair. So her lifestyle is not that dissimilar in the sense that her time-constraints are personally motivated rather than being in an office environment. Despite her assertion that she is a “lazy student” she stresses her obsession with her work (which might not be a steady feature in a student’s lifestyle…). The fact that her job has “no point where you feel like you’re allowed to switch off” is “bizarre” to a lot of her peers as well as being seen as an “excuse”. Apparently “most people seem quite bemused” by her job and “often jealous of the freedom and flexibility of being self employed” as apposed to the weighty confines of “deadlines and dissertations”. So although she is not an office 9-to-5-er Reiss’ dedication to her job is pretty intense, her mention of hangovers and procrastination later on in the interview bring her back down to my level at least!

So after considering her own place in her peer group how does she think younger people can engage and get involved in playwriting? The answer is experience, experience, experience according to Anya – the Royal Court Young Writers program helped her in this respect and she describes the course (and other courses like it – for example the BBC Writers Room, the Lyric Young Company and the Young Vic Direc- tors program) as “invaluable”.

Last year she tackled adapting Chekhov’s The Seagull having been approached by Russell Bolam. With her adaptation not only being prone to criticism from “the wrath of classicists” but also from comparison with other versions by distinguished playwrights – Mark Lawson of the Guardian comparing her to Michael Frayn, Tom Stoppard and Christopher Hampton, found her emerging “creditably from the comparison” – it is remarkable that it has been reviewed as “fresh, colloquial, sexy and downright perceptive”. Despite Reiss feeling “very nervous” and even expecting “disappointment” in her effort she says that “Chekhov won out” however at this point I’m trusting the good reviews rather than Reiss’ modesty! In terms of adapting Chekhov’s themes Reiss says that it was “surprisingly easy”, with “universal” themes for the most part but still some “radical” thinking. We have all seen the dark side of modernisation and connecting the youth to old plays; Reiss speaks of “gimmicky Facebook references” never being part of her vision for the project but also of the difficulties of actually regenerating the play rather than just putting a “modern dress” on it, describing the difference as a “difficult line to walk”. As adaptations are in the line of fire from not only critics and previous lovers of the play it seems that Reiss has come out on top, giving the classic a modern-day focus.

After branching out into adaptation, Reiss is extending her grasp even further into TV and Film. Currently writing a screenplay and contributing towards a TV series, the focus has changed dramatically (excuse the pun) with “rules unlike in theatre”. The move into this medium seems to have been a bit alien for Reiss as she jokes “if you’re writing a Rom-Com and by page 7 the boy and girl haven’t met each other, you’re already in trouble… apparently” but far from her initial attitude towards these “I don’t think anything can beat your first play: it was full of quite steep learning curves but because the Court was so fantastic…I never felt that daunted by it at all, I just enjoyed myself.”

Restrictions as “arbitrary” her understanding of this medium has grown to acceptance. Obviously the content and the target audience of different TV slots change the brief for a program but Reiss stresses the reversed importance of the story and the audience with the audience being number one for TV. She seems excited by this new venture but incredibly wary of the precarious TV and Film industry resolving “to treat it as a bucking bronco and not to take it personally when you inevitably get thrown off”.

My last question to her was asking what the most enjoyable production that she has written, she responded with a happy but slightly apprehensive advertisement for the industry: “I don’t think anything can beat your first play, it was full of quite steep learning curves but because the Court was so fantastic, and because, as I keep on saying, I knew nothing about the workings of Theatre when I started, I never felt that daunted by it at all, I just enjoyed myself. Now I know better.” However, would she do another adaptation despite the mass of external pressure? Yes. Will she continue to work in the TV and Film sector? Yes. Can we eagerly await another Anya Reiss original? Of course and many of us already are! So however “daunting” it may be after losing her naivety in the industry she’s powering through like noone’s business.

Reiss plays the part of successful playwright well and she was a pleasure to get to know. 

Creaming Spires: Week Two

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The first week of Trinity term brings with it the start of lectures, tutorials, and for me a rather different kind of assignment.

To gently ease you in to this series of scandalous sex stories I have decided to focus on foreplay. This however, is a unique slant on foreplay; where thinking out of the box proves to be unimaginably pleasurable.

Feeling a little guilty that I have managed to coerce my guinea-pig of a boyfriend into letting me publish our sex life every week for the next two months, I let him go first this week. An urban myth that we had both been curious to try out is whether or not Altoid mints enhance sensation during blow jobs. So I crunched down on five or so of these über strong fuck-off mints and got to it, sticking to my usual technique, with the only change being the minty sensation.

Well, what can I say. It certainly was no urban myth. The mintyness made him so aroused that every action I made was mind blowing for him. We are certainly on to a winner with this Altoid mint tekkers – less effort for the girls and more pleasure for the boys. Although, Cherwell lovers be warned: my other half has now depleted Tesco on Magdalen Street of their entire stock. and the Sainsbury’s is his next target.

Now for my turn. My boyfriend is exceptionally good at giving head; but I have to admit for most of the time I am so preoccupied that I have no idea what he is doing down there. So I asked him to talk me through exactly what he did to make it feel so good. Apparently he likes to play this game with himself of spelling out the alphabet on my clitoris, and pays attention to the letter which makes me climax every time. I thought this was all rather childish, but I guess if it keeps him entertained whilst I am enjoying myself then it works for me. Once I was aware of this little game I tried to play along too – ‘S’ is particularly arousing.

Only Oxford couples get kicks out of foreplay scrabble… 

The Top 12: 2nd Week

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1. Withnail and I 

@Ultimate Picture Palace, 11pm Friday 26th

This is the greatest comedy film of all time. If you haven’t seen it, do. If you have seen it, see it again. Grant, McGann and the late Richard Griffiths make the tale of two alcoholic actors a tragicomic tour de force.

 

2. Itchy Feet

@O2 Academy, 10 pm Tuesday 30th

If you’re unfamiliar with May Day, Dots Funk Odyssey or Itchy Feet, then you clearly need to get out more. Dust off your dancing shoes and your Pulp Fiction moves – it’s a long night ahead.

 

3. The Dreamboys

@New Theatre, 7:30pm Wednesday 1st

They’re apparently the UK’s most famous male strip act. Not that we’d know about that. If you fancy an evening of heavily be-muscled men gyrating on a stage, this would seem to be the event for you.

 

4. Rope

@Old FireStation, 8pm Saturday 27th

Patrick Hamilton’s play, inspired by a real-life murder, was the basis for Hitchcock’s seminal film . This production, from the team that did POSH, takes it back to the source material.

 

5. Keble Arts Festival

@Keble College, Until Sunday 28th

It’s your last chance to experience the Keble Arts Festival. Make sure not to miss out on the Oxford Art Showcase.

 

6. Audrey

@Wheatsheaf, 9pm Tuesday 30th

 Widely acknowledged as “not quite as good as the footlights”, the Revue is the lifeblood of Oxford comedy. Make of that what you will. Their showcase of new material is sure to be pretty damn funny.

 

7. Oxford Ukeleles

@Port Mahon, 7:30pm Monday 29th

Have you ever wanted to learn a proper instrument? Well, if you can’t do that, you may as well give the Ukelele a go. This informal group meets every other Monday and promises both a musical education and a good time.

 

8. Iron Man 3

@Almost any cinema, from Friday 26th

As terrible as the last film was, as awful as Ben Kingsley’s accent as “The Mandarin” promises to be, as woeful as Gwyneth Paltrow’s acting skills are, we must all take some guilty pleasure in watching Robert Downey Jr. jetting around the screen. If nothing else, the improbable engineering of the Iron Man suit will continue to anger science students, and that is always something to be commended. 

 

9. Manju Netsuke

@Ashmolean, Until September

 These Japanese carvings are named after a type of sweet bun, and depict the culture and history of the country. The exhibition ought to be worth a look, and they’re around for an absolute age, so there’s really no excuse to miss it!

 

10. Major Lazer

@O2 Academy, 7pm Thursday 2nd

Diplo’s side project, Major Lazer is performing – who knows what lunacy may occur. If you’re a fan of their debut album, Guns don’t kill people, Lazers Do, you should definitely attend. It’ll be fun. Probably.

 

11. Alister McGrath – C.S. Lewis: A Life

@Blackwell’s, 7pm Thursday 2nd

The author of the newest and most thorough biography of the creator of Narnia is talking about his findings and signing copies of the book.

 

12. Modern Art Tour

@Modern Art Oxford, Afternoon of Sunday 28th

The team at Modern Art Oxford are giving a short and informal tour of the exhibitions. Apparently it’s popular enough to make booking essential, so get in early!

‘Suspended coffee’ arrives in Oxford

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If you visit Java & Co in Oxford today, you can purchase a coffee – and leave £1.50 in aid of the city’s homeless.

The owners of the coffee shop on New Inn Hall Street cited an Italian tradition of buying ‘suspended coffee’ as their source of inspiration. Customers in a charitable mood would buy their own beverage and pay for a second, a caffè sospeso, to leave behind the bar for someone in need.

Java & Co will not be letting customers offer a coffee for later, but all donations will be given to The Gatehouse, a local homeless charity based in St Giles Church.

‘Suspended coffee’ has recently become an international social sensation. This week (22-28 April) is also Official Coffee Week in the UK.

Cherwell’s Harriet Smith Hughes met the Bowens, owners of Java & Co, to discuss the scheme.

Blurb: Xin Fan

The Cherwell Profile: Walter Isaacson

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The former US Sec­retary of State, Henry Kissinger once recalled the days when he had been a professor at Harvard. “I tended to think of history as run by im­personal forces,” he said of his views from the ivory tower. “But when you see it in practice, you see the difference personalities make.” 
Four decades later, academ­ics still focus on the “imper­sonal forces” of history, to the exclusion of the study of the individual, as any undergradu­ate lecture will show. Walter Isaacson, a Rhodes Scholar at Pembroke College in the 70s – and biographer of Steve Jobs, Kissinger, Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin – dissents from the popular academic view, finding that “great people” are equally powerful catalysts as the “grand forces of history”.

Seeking to find the forces be­hind Isaacson the biographer, I turn to his time at Oxford. Isaacson went up in Michael­mas 1975, and within a year was getting his hands dirty in the personality-driven politics of the Oxford Union. He fell in on the side of Benazir Bhutto, an acquaintance from their un­dergraduate days at Harvard. Bhutto was elected President in the Hilary Term of 1977.

Amusingly, history does re­peat itself, or at least rhyme: then, as now, Union elections were plagued by allegations of backroom campaigning, with candidates flouting a prohibi­tion on canvassing. Later on, after Bhutto’s asssassination, Michael Crick, himself a Union president in Michaelmas 1979, summarised the sentiment dogging Bhutto’s campaign, “Some people thought she was using her name and money to buy the presidency.” Isaacson remembered the campaign differently, highlighting his be­lief at the time that her elec­tion would bolster her father’s political position in Pakistan. Regardless, Isaacson’s idée fixe with powerful figures, both as an observer and accessory, was formed early on at Oxford.

Though he did not realise it at the time, Isaacson’s first brush with a history-shaping Oxford personality occurred before he arrived, at his Rhodes Scholar­ship interview in New Orleans in the fall of 1974. On the inter­viewing panel sat 1968 Rhodes Scholar and Univ alumnus Bill Clinton, though Isaacson re­calls being more intimidated by the southern writer Willie Mor­ris, and taking little notice of Clinton. He does recall Clinton’s ruminative question: “if three people are in a boat lost at sea, and the boat can only handle two, is it permissible to force everyone to draw straws and throw one person off the boat?” Isaacson replied no, because even though the suggestion was a utilitarian approach he believed in the necessity of “an individual liberty approach.” (At a minimum this exercise pro­vided an ounce of preparation for the ethical millstones that come with writing a Kissinger biography.)

Once at Pem­broke, Isaacson took to the Hegel scholar and politi­cal philosophy tutor Zbigniew Pelczyn­ski. For one tutorial, Isaacson recalled, “Pel­czynski asked me to write a piece on democracy in Russia, and when he read my essay he said it wasn’t very good. He showed me one from somebody he had taught a couple years earlier, and he said, ‘Do you know Bill Clinton?’ and I said, ‘No, I’ve never heard of Bill Clinton.’” Pelczynski as­sumed that the two Americans with heavy southern accents must have run into each other before. (Clinton’s has unfortu­nately faded after two decades in D.C. and New York, but must have stood out dissonantly from the rest of Oxford in the late 60s.)

“Years later [in 1992] Pelczyn­ski called me, and said that with Clinton running for President people wanted to interview him, and he said, “Should I give them that paper?” referring to Clinton’s… And I thought, “Oh my God, that means Bill Clinton won’t be President”—because that would have been used by his opponents to show how na­ïve he was about Russia.” Clin­ton had al­ready been criti­cised for travelling to Russia as a student. Isaacson advised Pelczynski to consult then- Governor Clinton first, and he requested that the paper not be released. Isaacson related his journalistic dilemma in this instance: his belief in releasing information, and his desire to get a scoop for Time magazine, both of which were tempered by ethical qualms.

Shuffling back to Isaacson’s contemporary work, I men­tioned that his biography of Ste­ve Jobs had been noted for jux­taposing reverential praise for Jobs’s genius with anecdotes of his acrimonious personality. I asked him whether this was an incognito form of hagiography. “There may be truth to the un­derlying premise that a flawed hero is more appealing than a perfect one,” Isaacson an­swered. “Novelists through the ages, starting with Henry Field­ing and Cervantes, operate on that premise. But that was not my conscious intent. My aim was simply to be honest. I por­tray Jobs as petulant and of­ten rough on people, because he was. As he often reminded me, he was a brutally honest person. If something sucks, he said, then he would say it sucks. He urged me, in turn, to write an honest book about him. Such a book would not make him more popular, he thought; it was that an honest book would avoid the trap of being dismissed as an in-house book that nobody would believe. It was hard to write an honest book with all of his flaws, because I liked him.”

Emerson wrote that “All biog­raphy is autobiography.” Isaac­son has adapted this to state that he sees his family, as well as himself, in all of his biographi­cal subjects. Isaacson sees his reflection in the ever-curious Ben Franklin; his father, a hu­manist Jewish scientist, is Ein­stein; and his daughter Betsy is the creative but “bratty” Jobs. In Kissinger, Isaacson sees his “dark side”. Yet when I ask him who he would like to write his bi­ography, he tersely replies, “No one,” though after a moment he admits that if a biography were to be written he would prefer a series of anecdotal vignettes— “half remembered sketches”— instead of a traditional biogra­phy.

As our interview concludes, Isaacson hastens to note his membership of Vincent’s, the locus of Oxford Blues and big names—despite not being a varsity athlete himself. Proving that, at least as a student in the Oxford bubble, the world really does revolve around personalities.

Roll over Beethoven, and tell Uematsu the news

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You were probably only aware of one music chart controversy last week, but another has been raging for nearly a month and shows no sign of reconciliation. This dispute has generated some equally poisonous words, but from a surprising source; the genteel listeners of Classic FM.

Every Easter, Classic FM compiles its ‘Hall of Fame’. With voting figures regularly surpassing 150,000, this annual list has a good claim to be Britain’s, if not the world’s, most authoritative poll on popular classical music tastes. Many listeners were, however, shocked this year to find that top five regulars Beethoven and Mozart had been dislodged, not by Verdi, Wagner, or Tchaikovsky, but by Nobuo Uematsu and Jeremy Soule, two men who respectively write the music for Final Fantasy and the Elder Scrolls series of video games.

The reaction to the poll has been astounding to say the least. Comments range from the dismissal of video game music as being “randomly generated” to lamentations that this represents “the end of Classic FM”. Even Classic FM itself could be accused of stigmatising the vote, with John Suchet , the host of the weekday morning show, actively urging listeners to vote next year to change the rankings if they’re not happy, which is somewhat more direct than the language used to describe the works of Rachmaninov and Vaughan-Williams which have haunted the top three since the chart’s inception.

The pieces selected are also somewhat troubling. Whilst all other composers have their works divided into symphonies, concertos and so in a bid to get multiple entries in, Uematsu and Soule have had their entire bodies of work summed up in one entry; for Uematsu, that means hundreds of hours, spanning thirteen separate games is equated to the 14 minutes of The Lark Ascending, its nearest rival. It is the same case for films. Howard Shore’s collaboration with Peter Jackson in The Lord of the Rings, the highest charting film score at Number 20, is lumped together, as if such dissonant pieces as “Concerning Hobbits” and “Minas Morgul” were the same.

Of course, the “outraged listeners” are correctly pointing to the fact that this has only happened because of a Facebook campaign to raise the profile of modern composers in the gaming industry. However, this isn’t an outright aberration; whilst Soule’s work jumped over 200 places from the previous chart, Uematsu has frequently appeared within the top 20. Whilst the campaign seems to have caused the opposite of its intended objective, with some of the more extreme critics calling for a separate chart for “lesser music” next year, the issue of perception that it raises is significant.

Most of the attacks on Uematsu and Soule revolve around the suggestion that scores composed for modern entertainment, be it for films or games, are somehow less worthy of recognition than “the classics”. This sort of statement requires one to look at the past with the most rose-tinted of glasses, ignoring the simple fact that music has always been composed for mass entertainment and money.

If any of the composers placed on a pedestal by the “purists” of Classic FM lived in the modern age, they too would be composing music for new media. Spielberg himself acknowledged this when asking John Williams to compose the score for Schindler’s List; he turned to Williams because all the composers he wanted were dead.

The critics also forget that the next generation of classical listeners often first experiences the music through film or television; Silence of the Lambs gave a boost to Bach through a grisly take on his Goldberg Variations, and The Apprentice regularly pairs Prokofiev with Hans Zimmer. Music written for games shouldn’t have a stigma attached to it because of its provenance, and, as a great fan of both Soule and Uematsu, I can only hope that this affair can give these men the accolades they deserve. Give some of their work a listen. You never know, you might just enjoy it!

3D or not 3D?

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I may as well come clean before we begin: I hate 3D. So when I read that Fitch Ratings had forecast 3D box office takings to fall in 2013, I was positively gleeful. Sure, I conceded, the decline would start off slowly. But soon enough 3D would be out of our lives, once more consigned to bad B-movies and novelty screenings at theme parks. 

3D films are certainly not new – there’s been a fairly steady stream of them since the man-eating lions of Bwana Devil in 1952. From 2000 onwards, most 3D films being made were kids’ flicks, horrors and IMAX educational movies. But then came 2009, and the phenomenon that was Avatar. I tried to like Avatar,really I did. But warmongering, sentimentality and stilted acting aside, the 3D just got in the way for me. Audiences disagreed, and it became the first film to gross over two billion dollars.

The runaway success of Avatar prompted many production companies to retrofit their upcoming 2D films into 3D. In many cases, this resulted in the slapdash addition of a few ‘ooh’ moments which did little to justify the increased ticket price. But now, filmmakers are consciously choosing to make their movies in three dimensions. In recent years we’ve seen The Avengers, Life of Pi, Brave, The Hobbit and even Werner Herzog’s Cave of Forgotten Dreams through the little red and blue windows. Not forgetting, of course, the artistic triumph of Piranha 3 Double D, which as far as I could glean consisted of David Hasselhoff, CGI killer fish and a hefty dose of sexual objectification.

If anything, 3D makes films more one-dimensional. Our eyes are drawn to the object popping out of the screen instead of considering the depth and composition of the shot as a whole. Flying daggers, pointing fingers, trees which loom high above you – no more than flashy gimmicks with all the nuance and subtlety of Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus.Most cinemagoers are perfectly capable of enduring a two-hour feature without losing interest. If you feel it necessary to hurtle lethal objects towards the audience’s retinas every three minutes, it’s probably because your dialogue and plot are lacking. 3D is not a substitute for a quality script.

The shift towards 3D really got going when TV providers jumped on the bandwagon. Samsung, Panasonic, Toshiba and LG amongst others now sell 3D television sets, and Sky has its own dedicated 3D channel. 3D was being treated as more than just a fad: it was billed as the future of entertainment. The thought of every TV show being made in 3D filled me with dread. When I come home and kick back in front of the telly, the last thing I want to do is have to put those naff little plastic glasses over the top of the ones I already wear. The lurching shifts in perspective are so headache-inducing that I think I’d have to give up on watching things altogether.

But now, a glimmer of hope. Perhaps 3D is finally starting to die. The report by Fitch Ratings highlights that despite an overall rise, US box office takings for 3D films have not increased in the past two years. They suggest that this may be due to its higher ticket prices putting off consumers. Despite this news, the novelty has not yet worn off for directors, as a string of new high-profile releases will be shown in 3D this year. You can get your fix of action in the form of Star Trek: Into Darkness; frippery from The Great Gatsby;fun from Monsters University and god knows what from One Direction: This is Us. 

It is reassuring to know that 3D isn’t invincible. As it stands, I don’t think its popularity is robust enough to warrant a full-scale conversion in every living room in the land. But I doubt it will disappear from the silver screen for a while yet. And why should it? If people enjoy the experience and are willing to pay the extra money for it, who am I to deny them? I only hope (naïvely) that we’ll see an end to films being made in 3D for the sake of commercial success alone. Litter your film with protruding space missiles if you so desire. But don’t neglect the understated beauty of two dimensions. There’s still plenty of people who prefer it.

Review: Five Minutes to a Fortune

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It’s 5pm. You have a dilemma. Tea’s not ready yet and you need something to occupy your time. Something exciting. Something stimulating. Fear not! There is a plethora of programmes just waiting to satiate your burning desire for quizzing!

You’re too late to catch Noel Edmonds’s pseudo-spiritual cosmic rapture on Deal or No Deal. Sorry about that. But what about ITV’s The Chase, in which Bradley Walsh, lorded over by knowledge-hoggers ‘The Chasers’, tries to stop sniggering for long enough to read the question. Or there’s Pointless, where Alexander Armstrong tries to pretend he doesn’t know all the answers while his ‘pointless friend’ Richard Osman bequeathes us with facts from a pretend laptop (Richard, I love you, you’re so tall and wisdomous). Mercifully, I have yet to find a quiz show as painful to endure as Eggheads, in which five trivia ‘experts’ look smug for half an hour. Yes, especially you, Daphne.

But hey, there’s a new kid on the block. It’s called Five Minutes to a Fortune! There are five rounds! The contestants only have five minutes! It’s on at 5pm! Bad luck Channel Five. It’s blue-sky thinking like that which makes Channel 4 such a groundbreaking broadcaster. What you got, BBC? A ‘pointless’ trophy? Pah!

Despite its terrible name, Channel 4’s latest venture into this saturated pool of general knowledge isn’t all that bad. The premise of the show is fairly simple, yet somehow manages to appear inordinately complicated on first viewing. Essentially, there is a huge hourglass with 50,000 pound coins inside. If the contestant doesn’t manage to answer questions quickly enough, the prize money starts to drain away. So far, so cacophonous.

The confusion arises due to the role of ‘timekeeper’. Contestants come in pairs. One answers all the questions. The other chooses five topics for their partner and gives them a time limit for each round. They then proceed to a small podium where they sit and watch their mate get things wrong, fingers poised on an ‘emergency stop’ button to halt the flow of money if they’re failing particularly miserably. I’m not entirely sure why there needs to be a timekeeper at all. They’re mostly redundant until the finale, when they answer the final question, deciding if the pair take any cash home at all. I pity them, rolling their thumbs as their partner cocks it all up, watching their precious pound coins tumble into oblivion.

On Sundays, celebrities take on the mutant eggtimer. Anne Widdecombe and Anton du Beke were predictably ghastly, although not quite as downright disastrous as Gok Wan and his brother Kwoklyn. We saw Gok desperately struggle through wrong answer after wrong answer, as thousands of pounds drained away in the corner of his eye. It was mortifying. It was heartwrenching. It was gripping to watch.

Davina is excellent as always in her role of empathetic and masterful host. She is unswerving in her ability to make contestants feel interesting and worthy, even when they’ve just made themselves look incredibly stupid on national TV. I feel like she’s genuinely enjoying it too, although she must know in her heart it’s exactly 19/20ths less exciting than The Million Pound Drop. She yells “Stop the drain!” with boundless enthusiasm when the contestant has achieved their quota of five correct answers per round, despite it being one of the worst catchphrases I’ve ever heard.

Five Minutes to a Fortune is significantly improved by its interesting take on run-of-the-mill general knowledge questions. The games are original and fun, with contestants having to spell answers backwards or guess which fictional character would have tweeted what. The combination of high-octane pressure and an alluringly large sum of money make me suspect it could hold its own in a Saturday primetime slot. If you ever fancied a bit of a thrill before your spag bol, you could do worse than this.

Jesus gets hot tub

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Jesus College JCR is hiring a hot tub for its final year students. The motion, passed unanimously on Sunday, was proposed by finalist Fraser-Jay Myers and supported by welfare officer Eva Sprecher. “This JCR notes that 9th Week Trinity term is always hot,” it read, “and that JCR members (especially finalists) have worked extremely hard this year and deserve a reward.”

The motion resolved, “To mandate the JCR Committee to hire a hot tub for Barts (although sadly not a hot tub time machine) during 9th Week Trinity term, costing up to £400.”

Finalists are bubbling with excitement. Sarah Coombes, a history and politics third-year at Jesus, said, “This is the second year the hot tub initiative has been run, and it’s turning into a great Jesus tradition. Everyone knows finals are stressful and hot tubs are relaxing. This is a way of the JCR saying ‘well done for getting through it’. There are few better ways of waving Oxford goodbye than from a hot tub at your accommodation.”

She added, “Please can we have one every year?”

Amused students in lower years were bathed in high expectations. Second year economist Eddie Shore said, “Frankly I’m disgusted by the pedestrian nature of the hot tub in question. We were promised time travel, and the JCR has failed yet again to deliver the thrills that our college so desperately needs.”

The tub is scheduled to arrive in 8th Week.

Review: Arne Dahl

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BBC4 has long been my favourite channel, not only because I can be pretentious about it by saying that I’m into foreign dramas, but also because it genuinely shows intriguing crime thrillers and top-quality shows about art and travel. After watching anything foreign with subtitles you can’t help but feel cultured, with an elevated IQ of at least ten points. This love affair began with a terrifically Italian detective series called Inspector Montalbano (lots of hand gestures, macho manliness, spaghetti and sexy brunettes) and proceeded to cover an expanse of European dramas with Spiral (French), The Bridge (Danish & Swedish) and Wallander (Swedish). Note the absence of The Killing – I entered the series half way through and was so confused by the thick political twists and the symbolic importance of the jumper that I gave up. Suffice to say, I felt like I had been thoroughly educated on the psyches of serial killers and would absolutely be the last survivor if ever a situation arose where there was one stalking the corridors of my college. 

Recently, the new rage in Swedish crime thrillers has been adapting novels written by Arne Dahl, the pen name of literary critic and journalist Jan Arnald. Now acquired by the BBC, the series features what I feel are the characteristic Scandanavian TV traits of an Instagram-like filter and an indie soundtrack, combined with a conflicted protagonist whose family struggles are often woven into the tensions of the narrative. There is also a lot of facial hair involved, and most of the actors seem to have eyes so blue that their tears could produce enough clean water for Africa.

The first instalment of the series tried to reflect the animosity felt for the bonus culture, with what appeared to be a professional killer targeting bankers and prominent financial players. The plotline (which probably acted as a satisfying creative outlet for Swedish frustrations) made it quite evident who the writers sided with, as the bankers were all depicted as immoral individuals with sordid pasts of attempted rape, adultery and links to the Eastern European mafia. The portrayal of these murders offered viewers a strange sort of detachment from emotion. The lack of empathy created a disjunctive and almost uncomfortable juxtaposition of guilt and fear, which acted as a compelling force for the series. What I really like about these Swedish crime thrillers is the clear, distinctive notions of emotion and detachment, almost as if their lives were specifically compartmentalised: work life emanates a sense of urgency and efficiency, while the disintegration of family life tweaks the heartstrings with its relatable nature. The protagonists are made out to be flawed both morally and emotionally, adding a refreshing aspect of realism to the plot.

Overall, although it is not the best crime thriller I’ve ever seen, Arne Dahl is an interesting depiction of human mentality in times of duress. It has a narrative that sustains the viewer’s attention long enough not to become bored, and contains plenty of the compulsory dead-ends and twists that define the genre. A good start to what I hope will induce another round of my Swedish obsession. And if crime dramas aren’t your thing, at least you can learn how to say to ‘hey’ in another language.