Sunday 8th June 2025
Blog Page 1522

Interview: The Rubberbandits

0

They wear plastic bags on their heads. Their smash hits consist of a song about a horse and one about the IRA. They go by the names ‘Blindboy Boatclub’ and ‘Mr Chrome’, collectively known as ‘The Rubberbandits’. Their act consists of comedy and music, which primarily satirizes  the stereotype of the Irish chav (or ‘skangers’ as they are known in Ireland). Heard of them? The answer’s probably no, unless you come from Ireland, where they are very very popular.

Comedy in Ireland has a long history, as you would imagine in a country with so many pubs. We’ve seen many Irish comedians achieve much success over in the UK – Ardal O’Hanlon and Dara O’Brien spring to mind, and then there’s the recent BBC hit Mrs Brown’s Boys, with its own brand of gross-out, yet sidesplittingly excellent gags.

Ireland also provides a fertile ground for satire – and this is made assisted by two easy targets – the Catholic church and its political system. Both have had ongoing corruption scandals and both have contributed larger-than-life figures who can be easily made fun of for the public’s enjoyment.

Blindboy and Mr Chrome (real names Dave Chambers and Bobby McGlynn) have  had something of a following in Ireland ever since the early 2000s, when they gained cult status through recording prank phone calls in their native city Limerick and distributed the CDs  to friends. 

In 2010 they achieved national recognition after gaining a slot on the prime time television show  The Republic of Telly —  one of RTE’s (Ireland’s national broadcaster) premier comedy series. In the same year they achieved YouTube fame with the viral hit ‘Horse Outside’.

Moreover they are due to make it big in the UK this year. At the Edinburgh Fringe festival  they received rave reviews, and earned some coverage on BBC3. At the end of last year they put out a pilot TV show for Channel 4.

All encouraging, and it looks like we can expect to see them build on the cult following they’ve already built up over here. Expect  good things if you haven’t seen them yet. Father Ted appeared in the 1990s on RTE,  before going onto Channel 4 and both acts have been directed by the same person  — Declan Lowney. Indeed the pilot show is the first Irish production at Channel 4 since Father Ted.

I’ve been told that the Rubberbandits interview better when they answer to questions in character.“[The idea] literally arrived into my head one day when I was 17, I was in the shower. We’ve never questioned the name.”

You might have thought that this would have something to do with their plastic headgear.  But no:  “It’s an existentialist statement concerning the inevitability of Death and the futility of Happiness, and it also means that no one knows what we look like.”

I move on to ask them about their rise to fame and eventual appearance on Irish national  television. “We started off as street performers. We would feed small bits of metal to trained gulls and  then catch them with kites that had magnets attached. Onlookers would offer us scraps of food and clothing as a reward for our magnetic gull bothering.”

 “One day we caught the attention of ex-Westlife member Brian Mcfadden, who immediately insisted that we move into his house, such were our gull charming talents. It was on Brian’s suggestion that we got our first break on Irish Television. Gulls are  considered racist on Irish television because they look a bit like skinheads so we did songs instead.”

By now you should already have a taste of their brand of comedy. Surreal, irreverent and  yet absolutely hilarious — it’s a perfect mix. The sketches on RTE feature a segment on visiting various Irish cities and towns. Their  take on Limerick is by far the funniest. This is after all, where they grew up. Blindboy and Mr Chrome met each other here while still at school — and satirising Ireland’s ancient city  forms a running theme in their act.

I  inquire about how important the city is to them. “We technically only live in Limerick at certain parts of the day. We have a large house which sits exactly on the borders of where counties Limerick, Clare and Meath intersect. The television is on the Limerick side, so we are only in Limerick when something good is on TV.”

Some of their work has shocked audiences, for instance “Up the Ra” — a send up of sectarian Celtic football chants. I ask whether they think this kind of satire is inherently controversial. “No it’s an accurate document of Irish History. Are you calling Irish History controversial because it differs to what you were taught in England?” The Rubberbandits are unafraid to poke fun at themes in Irish politics. The politics of  Ireland has received much international attention in recent years, what with the recent Eurozone crisis. I ask them how they would handle the situation.

“That’s easy. You put the names of all the Eurozone nations into a big hat. Then pull out  two names. Lets just say it’s Germany and Italy.

“Then you introduce a law that forces  the Germans to behave like Italians and the Italians to behave like Germans. Imports  and exports between the two countries would skyrocket. With the Germans importing  Moustache wax from Italy and exporting Lederhosen to Italy and vice versa. If every EU  country had a special relationship like this then there would be definite economic growth.”

And their current government, led by prime minister Enda Kenny?

“Enda Kenny isn’t real, he’s digital like Shrek. Ireland just pretends to have a Prime Minister to the rest of Europe watching us on television. Our real leader is an elderly Goat who lives on a mountain, political decisions are based upon the length of his beard.”

The height of the Eurozone crisis provided the backdrop for their biggest hit so far in 2010. If you’ve heard about the Rubberbandits before, its most likely because of their Youtube hit, ‘Horse Outside’.

This was released in the same year that they first appeared  on television. It climbed to the No. 2 position in the Irish charts, and almost beat Matt  Cardle to the Christmas No. 1 spot. In the UK it reached the far more modest position of 130.

The song describes an (eventually successful) attempt to win over an attractive bridesmaid  at a wedding in Limerick, with the promise of a ride home on a horse. The song lyrics are very explicit. It features 17 uses ofthe word ‘fuck’ —and as like much of their material, it’s not shy about referencing drug abuse.

I ask them where they got this bonkers, yet brilliant idea. “We have an ideas tree, the seeds of which we found in an old library book. “When we want an idea, we eat a piece of fruit from the ideas tree. Ali Campbell from UB40 has one too.”

Naturally this hit catapulted them to success and earned them a massive internet  following.  “We both bought bottles of champagne and then smashed them off each others heads.  Then, while recuperating in hospital we ate nothing but bowls of money, despite doctors orders.”

And so I turn to the final question – is the UK ready for this act to take it by storm? Their  material is controversial, explicit and bizzare – but at the same time, it’s ludricously funny,  razorsharp satirical and just downright silly. What’s not to love? They’ve been to Oxford before, and they’ve played at the O2. Could they see themselves ever studying here? “I suppose, if you videotaped it.”

Renaissance Man: Week Three

0

There are quite a lot of rather amusing videos on the internet, but this week only one has been all over my news feed like a Guardian article (my preferred simile for irritating digital omnipresence). It’s of teenagers at Coachella being ‘tricked’ into feigning familiarity with ‘imaginary’ bands.

“Those foolish hipsters,” cry my peers. But I for one applaud throwing off the shackles of Western objectivity. I’ve been an aficionado of imaginary bands long before anybody had never heard of them. Here’s why.

The criteria for a band’s ‘existence’ have morphed beyond recognition as popular music swallows countless lithe bodies into its maws of doom. Bands now first exist on paper. Take ‘One Direction’ – they existed as spasming synapses in Simon Cowell’s mind before the ideas found young flesh to inhabit.

The boundary between subjective and objective has been tied into so many knots that the certainty offered by entirely imaginary bands is beyond anything that material flesh-space can offer us. In virtually all respects, the visceral experience of the fictional Dr. Schlomo and the GI Clinic is more real than a live concert from Justin Bieber. And not just because Dr. Schlomo has never been late to a gig.

Who can say what’s ‘real’ or not, in a world where voices are auto-tuned to perfection? Why are my Facebook friends still clinging to their copies of The God Delusion, decrying young people supporting bands that there’s no ‘evidence’ for? Just because I can’t ‘scientifically’ prove a band has ever produced a record, doesn’t mean that my experience of them is somehow lessened. Also, if it’s “not about the music” any more, then by logical extension (trust me, I do PPE) anyone who claims you need the music to exist is wrong.

These pioneers are just trying to avoid cultural collapse as the black hole of Western culture implodes, watching automatons twitching jerkily (like jerks) on MTV. The only real bands left are in our heads. They’re pretty obscure – you’ve probably never heard of them. And that’s the way I like it. 

Creaming Spires: Week Three

0

After breaking you in gently with foreplay last week, I hope you’re now good and ready to be filled in on the most pleasurable and complex sex positions around.

We’re skipping past all the amateur stuff because quite frankly no one needs a sex column to teaching them how to hump. So make sure you’ve been doing your squats and stretches to guarantee maximum pleasure and minimal embarrassment.

Having decided that the sex position the ‘Iron Lady’ was far too inappropriate for current investigation, I decided this week to try out a position aptly named ‘X-rated’.

The boy lies on his back in an X position while the girl slowly eases herself onto him to assume backwards cowgirl. From there, the girl extends her legs backwards towards her partner’s head, with her torso moving forward to the space between his spread legs. This all seems very well and good; you feel like a pro manoeuvring into this spread-eagle arrangement, but once you are there the actual thrusting part is rather tricky. The girl grabs her partner’s ankles and pushes and pulls to slide herself up and down his body. If you haven’t been bench pressing with the boys, this position can be rather physically intense on the ol’ arms; perfect for blitzing bingo wings but not ideal if it results in rampant arm cramp worthy of a time-out.

However, in addition to the female arm workout, there are several drawbacks to this position – including a somewhat backward-bending penis (not the most comfortable for the boy), lack of thrusting power (resulting in rather weak stimulation for both of you), and a traumatic risk of feeling like a beached sea lion stranded on your partner’s torso. The more passionate the sex, the more likely this tickling sensation will transform into the dull stinging of friction burns. 

The Top 12 – 3rd Week

0

1. OxHoli

@Merton Mansfield Grounds, 2pm Sunday 5th

It’s here again! HUMSoc invites you, your white T-shirt and your waterbottle to be splattered with colour — who can resist such an offer? 

 

2. Nightshift Punt

@Various Venues, Tuesday 7thth

Oxford’s premier ‘new music’ festival spreads itself across venues as varied as PT, Wheatsheaf or The Duke’s Cut. We’ve never heard of half the bands, but that makes it more exciting! If you are a fan of bands such as Listing Ships, The Goggenheim or The Graceful Slicks, you clearly know more about music than we do. Come down and discover your new favourite band. 

 

3. Star Trek Into Darkness

@Various Cinemas, from Thursday 9th

It’s Star Trek. It’s Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s going to be brilliant. You may want to book in advance, because if the Star Trek and Sherlock fandoms both show up, there’ll be a fight for seats! 

 

4. John Grant

@O2 Academy, 7pm Wednesday 8th

John Grant’s career has gone from strength to strength since he left his band, The Czars. His latest album, Pale Green Ghosts, was a huge critical success — it’ll be interesting to hear how he translates his lush balladry from studio to stage. 

 

5. Oxford Revue and Friends

@Oxford Playhouse, 7:30pm Saturday 4th

Okay, so we’re more excited about the friends than the Revue (hurrah, it’s the Footlights!) but we’re sure it’ll be worth the extortionate ticket price. With the addition of the Durham Revue (eugh, Doxbridge), this promises to be the sketch show to end all sketch shows! 

 

6. The Trial

@BT Studio, 7:30pm Tuesday 7th

Hypnotist Theatre bring their own absurdist, physical theatre version of Kafka’s classic examination of power and innocence. Sounds pretty wanky profound — they claim that the audience is as guilty as the protagonist. We’ll see. 

 

7. Reduced Shakespeare Company

@Oxford Playhouse, 8pm Friday 3rd

Every Shakespeare play condensed into a speedy 97 minutes is an unmissable prospect. Good for mugging up on the finer points of English literature without having to put in any effort.

 

8. Adair Turner – Has Capitalism Failed the World?

@Oxford Union, Friday 3rd

Watch Mehdi Hasan grill the former head of the FSA about the the future of capitalism. Expect sparks to fly!

 

9. Midnight at the Rue Morgue

@BT Studio, 9:30pm Wednesday 8th

Do you want to be immersed in the works of Edgar Allan Poe? If you do, there are clearly some issues we need to talk about, but for all you proto-gothic types, this piece of immersive theatre should do the trick.

 

10. OMD

@New Theatre, 7pm Monday 6th

Is your life empty without ’80s synth-pop? Do you yearn for the days in which ‘Enola Gay’ pumped from every speaker? Well, here’s Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, ready to fulfil all your synthiest needs. 

 

11. The Lesson

@BT Studio, 7:30pm Saturday 4th

Eugene Ionesco’s absurdist drama involves cross-dressing, a sinister professor and a lesson like no other. If nothing else, this production promises to be extremely strange. It could well be worth a look, unless it degenerates into abject insanity.

 

12. St Anne’s International Day

@St Anne’s College, 5:30pm Sunday 5th

Sample the best of international culture, from Chinese violins to Korean drumming or Brazilian dance.

Review: Catchphrase

0

Catchphrase, for years a popular game show, long inhabited the lonely territory of the niche quizzing channels, where it offered viewers the opportunity to revel in slightly weary graphics and an array of wonderful fashion choices. Where better to learn about 1980s-90s comedy hosting and street style than a show which combined the beautiful comment “it’s good but it’s not right” (repeated ad nauseam to comfort guests who’d made a ridiculous guess) and, week in week out, men and women with the most spectacular Deirdre Barlow glasses and floral blouses. 

Now, eleven years after the final host said his goodbyes, Catchphrase returns with the charming Stephen Mulhern taking on the main role. Mulhern, an exceedingly affable man, shares the gentle humour of his predecessors, whilst resembling a teacher giving an interview lesson as, in an attempt to fill many of the rather awkward pauses in the show’s format, he has a tendency to babble on whilst we look at the board. His tentative offering as a catchprase, with some rhyming jingle about “screen” and “mean,” is not thoroughly convincing and I fear that those in charge of the show have attempted to cultivate in no time at all the same talent for family-friendly rapport which Roy Walker previously personified. 

The contestants themselves in the third episode were delightful, but even so the length of time spent at the beginning of the show introducing them seemed quite excessive. After the first four minutes I felt bored and desperately craved an increase in the pace. 

Luckily, the format of the quiz itself is essentially the same as before, and once things really began I forgot about any initially clunkiness, utterly absorbed in working out what possible phrase a boy taking a leaf out of a book could represent? Truly taxing stuff. Embarrassingly enough I did find myself saying some of the answers under my breath, to the puzzlement of those around me, so if anyone saw a girl watching itv Player on her laptop and occasionally muttering “traffic jam” or “seal of approval,” my apologies.

Ok, so it’s not Eggheads, and Mulhern’s helpful commentary – usually along the lines of “What is going on here? What can you see? What are these people doing?” – might mimic the voice in my head as I dedicate 45 minutes of potential reading/biscuit-eating time to watch some people work out problems one might find in the back of a comic, but I have definitely not lost my fondness for Catchphrase. It’s comforting, and the return of Mr Chips, holiday-prizes, and the same general look of the previous incarnation definitely help retain many of the previous virtues and give it a retro feel. Overall, I hope that it shares in the success of the original, to introduce the show to a whole new generation.

Students pounded by charity challenge

0

Students across Oxford are taking part in the national project ‘Live Below The Line’ which aims to raise money for charity and raise awareness about poverty.

Those involved in the campaign have to spend only £1 a day on food and drink for five days, including any ingredients you already have at home or gifts given from friends or family. The scheme in Oxford is running between Monday 29th April and Friday 3rd May.

The campaign was started in 2009 by Rich Fleming from the Global Poverty
Project and Nick Allardice from the Oaktree Foundation in Australia when they decided to live on $1.25 for three weeks.

Oxford students from across the university have signed up to the campaign, with groups from Brasenose and Hertford taking part  together. Working in groups allows people to pool their money, exploiting economices of scale and therefore making it easier to buy more food.

By Tuesday the campaign had nationally raised £462,000, with three more days to go until the end of the project. Donations close at the beginning of July.

Brasenose’s team have raised £1,244 so far, and has eleven members. Some Oxford students have taken part as members of ‘Just Love’ a new
organisation run by Christian students which encourages other students to engage with issues of social justice.

Tomas Christmas, a member of Just Love told Cherwell, “There are over thirty of us doing Live Below the Line this week, for the purpose of solidarity with the poor and to raise money for those who need resources most.

“There are so many injustices in the world, so many people who suffer while we live in relative comfort, and we want to actively take whatever steps we can to stand with these people and raise awareness of their situations. This was fundamental to how Jesus lived, and we want it to become fundamental in our lives today.

“By day 2 the challenge is already becoming very tough – and tomorrow will be worse as the rest of my college will be having roast duckling with
rissolee potatoes for dinner! (I’m not even sure what they are but they’re probably better than the everyday value bread I’ve been having.)”

He continued, “On the plus side, I’ve raised a bit of money for Malaria No
More, an incredible charity who have been greatly reducing malaria deaths
in sub-Saharan Africa.” 

Charlotte Weller, a student taking part as a team from Brasenose college also commented, “The goal is one thousand, two hundred pounds as a team by Friday. I think this week will make me realise exactly how lucky I am. It’s already been a lot harder than I expected it would be, all I seem to think about it food and prices. Ideally, I’d also like to make it to Friday without passing out.”

Another participant, Ruth Meredith, stated, “So far, it’s been a bit grim, but obviously nothing on the scale of being in perpetual poverty. While we’re struggling to get through the day, we know that come Saturday, we can eat what we like. We don’t have to deal with the reality of being permenetly in poverty, knowing that next week I’ll be as hungry as
this week, and as hungry as I was last week.

She continued, “Hopefully, we’ll raise awareness, and funds, for some
of the causes like UNICEF and Positive Women trying to tackle some of the problems.”

Participant Alice Newton-Fenner said, “This week is offering a glimpse
of the massive difficulty that something as simple as eating can present
to those without the resources we take for granted. Despite being
coerced into it by a friend, I really am getting to understand the actual value for money.”

Other Oxford students have also been receptive to the idea. Rupert
Tottman, a student at Balliol College opined, “I think it’s a good idea, especially if it’s raising money for charity. Hopefully it will also make people
more aware about poverty and make people like Iain Duncan-Smith think
when they say it’s easy to live on benefits.”

Sarah Santhosham, OUSU Vice President (Charities & Community) said,
“It’s good to see students across colleges joining together in a challenging initiative to help combat extreme poverty. Such fundraising initiatives are great not only for raising money for some of the leading development charities, but also for raising awareness of the plight of over a billion people.”

Hertford JCR criticises failed outreach scheme

0

Hertford JCR has criticised college authorities after they failed to offer the Reach Scholarship, which offers free education to students from developing countries. A JCR motion mandated JCR members to send emails to Senior Tutor Alan Bogg, Principal Will Hutton, and Tutor for Admissions Peter Bull, expressing “deep concern” regarding their decision.

The Reach Scholarship programme is a university-wide scheme which offers financial support to a number of students from low income countries who, for political or financial reasons, or because suitable educational facilities do not exist, cannot study for a degree in their own countries. The scholarship covers university fees, college fees, a grant for living expenses and one return air fare per year.

A short-listing panel meets every year to recommend six applicants to the colleges that accept Reach scholars. This can result in applicants being offered a place in one college, while being awarded a scholarship in another, and therefore having to change college before coming up.

Hertford JCR adds a sum of £3 per term to every student’s battles payments which funds half of one Reach scholarship for an undergraduate at Hertford. However, this year college authorities decided not to accept such a scholar.

A representative for Hertford College told Cherwell, “The college is wholly committed to the Reach scheme. There was a communication gap between us and the JCR in this the first year of its operation, but after talks with the JCR we believe it will not be repeated. More broadly we share the same commitment to outreach and widening access as the JCR.”

Hugh Baker, Hertford College’s JCR President proposed the motion. He said the decision “completely goes against Hertford’s strong tradition of access work, and effectively denies strong academic candidates the chance to study at Oxford.”

The JCR argued “that the college’s decision not to accept a Reach Scholar for the coming year flies in the face of our access program” and “that the JCR should have had far greater influence on the college’s decision given that 50% of the funds for the scholarship come from the JCR.”

An amendment was made to the initial motion, which read, “the JCR resolves to urge the JCR President to strongly consider bringing this story into the public eye.”

Following the motion, over 120 emails were sent to College expressing dissatisfaction with the decision.

The proponent and seconder of the motion subsequently met with the Principal, the Tutor for Admission, and the Senior Tutor to discuss the decision over the Reach Scholarship. Following this meeting, Baker emailed the JCR saying, “The act of migrating a scholar from another college to Hertford was fraught with complications, and individual subject tutors’ decisions realistically had to be made mainly on academic grounds once the short-list had been compiled.”

Baker continued, “It is clear that college are completely supportive of the Reach scheme and have been trying to do the best they can in an essentially flawed framework for awarding the scholarship. The response of the JCR…has made it very clear of the strong moral views of the JCR surrounding Hertford’s access work.”

OUSU and the JCR have resolved to work with college and the university to make changes to the scheme.

Mansfield students criticise “hideous” statue

0

A new sculpture, on loan to Mansfield College from artist Antony Gormley, has divided opinion among students.

The artist has continued his association with Oxford with the loan of the statue to Mansfield college, and depicts a human body erupting upwards from the head of another. Like most of Gormley’s work, it is made from cast iron.

Many Mansfield students are unconvinced by the artwork. One Mansfield student told Cherwell, “The statue itself is quite interesting but it is right in the middle of the quad and looks quite out of place.”

Other students criticised the lack of discussion with the JCR. One undergraduate commented, “I think it is bad that the JCR was not consulted about it at all and everyone had to find out through rumours or a nasty surprise at the beginning of Trinity term.”

Another Mansfield student remained unconvinced, telling Cherwell, “No matter what the meaning behind it, it’s absolutely hideous…Also the penis appears to defy gravity.”

One JCR member told Cherwell, “It might not be so bad, but it jars with the old architecture.”

Baroness Helena Kennedy QC, Principal of Mansfield College, defended the display of the sculpture. She told Cherwell, “The Governing Body of Mansfield College were absolutely delighted that [Antony Gormley] chose to lend the piece to the college because as an artist he was interested in the history of the college, its ethos and the plans to create an Institute of Human Rights here.”

She added, “We have greatly enjoyed his active participation with us in the erection and display of the work. The nature of art is that it should provoke and challenge us to think and imagine. It should give rise to debate and active discourse on the nature of art and on our humanity. Anyone who knows Antony Gormley’s work knows that he is very attentive to space and location. The idea of our sense of place as human beings and the state of our world is central to his work. We feel delighted to provide a locus for such a brilliant piece.”

Several students have praised the statue. One student said, “Everyone has come up with strange theories for what it is supposed to be, including a torture chamber in which someone has fallen foul of an electrical iron maiden and a freak gymnastic incident that has gone wrong.”

Students have speculated about the opinion of the college cat, Erasmus.One student told Cherwell, “He did a poop in the base of the statue. I think it is clear what his opinion of it is.”

OED editor retires after 37 years

0

John Simpson, editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, has announced his resignation after thirty seven years of service, which he described as a “great honour”. The fellow of Kellogg College will be replaced by Michael Proffitt, the current Editorial Project Director.

Simpson announced last week that he will stand down in October 2013.

Simpson is only the seventh Chief Editor of the dictionary, the first of whom was James Murray, appointed in 1879, and has held his post since 1993. An expert in slang, he has overseen vast changes to the OED. Since his appointment, there have been over 60,000 new additions, consisting both of new words and updated meanings.

Born in Cheltenham in 1953, Simpson was educated at York University and the University of Reading. He joined the OED in 1976, and was Co-Editor of the 1989 Second Edition. He became chief editor in 1993.

In addition to his work for the OED, he is a member of the Philological Society and is a founding member of  the European Federation of National Institutions for Language.

Before his retirement, Simpson commissioned the first comprehensive review of the dictionary that will review each word in turn. This began in 2000 and is unlikely to be completed for another ten to fifteen years, with over seventy editors working on the text. Updates are published on the internet every quarter, with a selection of words reviewed each time.

New words that have made it into the dictionary recently include the American political term ‘supermajority’, ‘boccia’ from the Paralympic sport, ‘dance-off’, and ‘podium’ as a verb.

Answering what must be for him, an FAQ (first entry in the OED, 2001), Simpson does not profess to have a favourite word, instead telling Cherwell, “Just now we’ve been working on blue, credit, friend, game, and gang – along with all of their compounds and derivatives – so I’d probably have to say they are my ‘favourite’ words at the moment. There’ll be another batch next month, though”.

Another of Simpson’s achievements was to upload much of the OED online in the past few decades, which he describes as a “step-change” in how it works.

Simpson told Cherwell, “It’s an established presence on the Internet (and people in Britain can access this via their public library system). The OED has broadened its audience while still retaining its scholarly personality; it is now a flexible, dynamic record of our changing language. And I’m proud of all of this.”

Simpson continued, “Unlike other dictionaries which remove archaic and little used words, the OED keeps them all in its full form. This culmination of material means that a print edition now would fill over forty volumes, double that of the last print edition.”

He explained, “The OED doesn’t eject words once they’ve fallen out of use. The dictionary just gets bigger, with all the old words and the new ones combined.”

Inside Port and Policy

0

Now don’t prematurely get your hopes up/down. This is not a tale of Nazi chants and morally dubious debauchery. My one night at Port and Policy with the newly re-affiliated Oxford University Conservative Association’s was utterly bizarre but not particularly politically incorrect. As I entered the church hall, I was immediately presented with a choice of Tawny or Ruby Port. I didn’t mind the choice of beverages, which unlike their reputation, is not toxic. I find that port is one of the things at Oxford that straddles all social and political divides.

Propositions are met with ‘SOUND’ or ‘SHAME’ by the audience members, and this is the only society I know of that has a ‘Dean’. This one looked like he was in his 70s at least. Current members do not know how or when he became the Dean – he just is. He walks with a cane, wears a dog collar and appears not to be a big fan of women, an accusation which OUCA contends. 

As the port took its toll, the evening became increasingly surreal. One man stood up on a bench to decry the disrespect everybody was showing to the memory of the late Baroness Thatcher by not listening to the debates. He somewhat reduced the impact of his interjection by falling off the bench midway. He was not the only one unleashed by the Sainsbury’s own brand Port – so was my bourgeois-socialist conscience.

Indeed if there is one thing to learn from the evening, it is never to start a speech at OUCA with, “I am a member of the Labour Party.” This was met with an almighty and slightly violent “SHAME.”

I said I was glad that Thatcher had received a ceremonial funeral. “SOUND!” I said that now that a precedent had been set, I looked forward to Tony Blair, another winner of three consecutive general elections, receiving similar honour in death. ‘SHAME!’ I said that Thatcher should be commended for her part in ending the Cold War. ‘SOUND!’ I then quoted Harold Macmillan’s criticism of Thatcher’s treatment of the miners, which was met by another resounding chorus of “SHAME.”

The whole party then decamped to the King’s Arms, where we were met by Old Man Bridge, who it turns out, disappointingly, is a Conservative, and knows many of the OUCA luminaries by name. I discovered that Simon (he does have a real name!) does not like Harriet Harman, “It’s in the name: she harms men”, thinks we are better off leaving the EU and that we should all be very wary of a nuclear Iran. He concluded with, “I’m going to Babylove even if no-one else is.” I stumbled back to college, confused.

Rather to my surprise, I find myself urging you all to attend Port and Policy. It is a fascinating anthropological study, and if you don’t take it too seriously, it is great fun. And remember, these people won’t end up running the country. After all, what ever became of past presidents William Hague and Jeremy Hunt?