Monday, May 5, 2025
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Spring/Summer 2013 Trend: Pastels

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Pastels. Everyone owns them. They’re catwalk regulars and this spring they’re everywhere. The best thing about pastels is that they literally sound good enough to eat. The SS13 catwalks were a blur of spun-sugar hues: mint, fondant pink, parma violet, baby blue and lemon. Bright pastels are also de rigeur: think aqua, coral, sour apple, sunshine-yellow and sky-blue.

At Mulberry we saw the launch of the Willow bag, available in candy shop hues of mint, apricot and nude alongside classic black, white, biscuit and navy. Models wore peach jackets, pleated skirts and below-the-knee hems: this season is all about luxurious femininity. 

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Christopher Kane showcased draped crepe dresses and translucent pastel skirts in buttercup, blush pink and rose-embossed white leather, offset by hints of sinister – plastic bolts, duct tape, bat-shaped lace, and the appearance of Frankenstein’s monster on a T-shirt. 

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Temperley London, a firm favourite of the the Duchess of Cambridge, stuck to sophisticated princess dressing: models glided down the catwalk in full skirts and translucent evening dresses in shades of parma violet and baby blue. Perhaps Alice Temperley had the Duchess’s spring wardrobe in mind when she designed the dreamlike collection. 

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But this season it’s not all about wearing head-to-toe pastels: colour popping featured prominently at shows such as Erdem, where delicate lace necklines and sleeves and hues of lavender, lemon and baby blue were juxtaposed with bold flower prints in orange and red. The 1950s nipped-in waists, prim skirts and ruffled collars in trademark lace, silk and satin were fused with reptilian skins, futuristic plastics, neons and patent leather.

Lego colours are, somewhat confusingly, another huge SS13 trend, seen in David Koma’s vivid orange, cobalt blue and emerald green cut-out mesh dresses. Oscar de la Renta’s fusion of soft mint and coral hues with mustards and alarming fuschias bedecked with green pompoms proves that ingenuity is still there: pastels don’t have to be predictable.

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From Corrie Nielsen’s structured, sugary collection of the palest blue satins and shell pink ruffles, to Céline’s yellow fur shoes teamed with crisp neutrals, this season is all about pretty pastels with a twist. For those of us confined to simply gawping like children in a candy shop at the sugar-spun delights showcased on the catwalk, the high street is awash with affordable alternatives. Undoubtedly you’ll have on-trend clothes from previous summers lurking in your wardrobes but for those who want something new, our style picks below will carry you right through the season. And, in true British style, don’t shy away from being bold with your sartorial choices. If Erdem can combine powder blue with tomato red, anything’s possible.

Get the Look with Topshop’s delicate organza prom dress (£65, topshop.com), Ted Baker’s Jaynesh Tuxedo Tailored Shorts (£109, tedbaker.com), and a structured metal tip clutch bag from Oasis (£25, Houseoffraser.co.uk).

 

 

The meaning of Pope Francis

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When Pope John-Paul II passed away in 2005, the Independent ran a leading article in which they described the papacy as “arguably the world’s second most important office, subordinate in influence and global power only to that of the President of the United States”. The same goes, more or less, I think, today. That makes the election of Cardinal Bergoglio as Holy Father a significant event for Catholics particularly, but also the world as a whole.

As the new pope emerged onto the balcony in St Peter’s Square, arms firmly by his side rather than extended out to the crowds like his predecessors Benedict XVI and John-Paul II, a climate-change was immediately evident. His background certainly suggests a shift of some kind for in becoming pope Bergoglio made history: The first pope in 1000 years from outside of Europe, the first pope from Latin America, the first Jesuit pope, the first to call himself ‘Francis’. This was no ordinary election.

Who is the new pope then? Until yesterday, he was Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires. He was born in Buenos Aires, but is of Italian descent, and was ordained by the Jesuits in 1969. A campaigner for social justice, he has criticized the “unjust distribution of goods” in the world and the economic inequality that accompanies it. Famous for living a humble lifestyle he gave up his grace and favour palace for a modest apartment, cooks for himself and travels by bus rather than official car. On most theological matters he is however as conservative as the previous two popes, holding fast to the Church’s teachings on matters such as abortion, priestly celibacy and homosexuality.

The absence of the fur lined mozetta, that Pope Benedict was so famous for, the simple way in which the new pope greeted the crowds and spoke to them, that he wore the stole only when he blessed them. This all suggests a more humble papacy with a more amplified concern for the poor.

The Church does, of course, need to reconnect with its roots. The troubles it has faced in recent years are arguably greater than any it has experienced before. It will certainly be no bad thing for the Church to adopt a humble attitude in a world that is growing ever more cynical of it. I was, at first, rather alarmed to see the new pope simply stand there in front of the crowds (and world) before him. Expecting him to reach out, with the charisma of John-Paul and the flamboyancy of Benedict, to the faithful in the way most of his recent predecessors have, I realized I was missing the point. The way in which he prayed, in silence, with the crowds was certainly a sign of hope for the reunification of Catholics all over the world.

The church’s problems lie not in its elaborate traditions and nature, but the ‘zero-tolerance’ way in which it promotes many of its teachings.  Many Catholics, all as flawed human beings as everybody else, feel constrained by a Church they love but that is often prepared to turn its back on them when they come into conflict with it. Of course the Church’s teachings on homosexuality, priestly celibacy and contraception (all examples) can be theologically explained for, but a failure to understand the problems that face many human beings in their day-to-day lives is where the Vatican often strikes the wrong note.

Francis also has a real – and exciting – opportunity now to reconnect with the world as a whole. This is something John-Paul II did remarkably well, through history-making acts such as saying a prayer at the Western Wall in Jerusalem or using the millennium as a year of apology for the mistakes of the Catholic Church. The Church has the potential to refound itself as a force for connecting people of all faiths across the world, as a promoter of social justice, a protector of the poor, a defender of human rights and of the natural world. The Church’s teachings on all these matters (which is often neglected in favour of narrow minded journalism on its attitudes towards gay marriage for example) can be at the forefront of international policy.

Francis’s papacy then could represent a turning point for many Catholics in their relationship with the Church – an often too orthodox Church that has failed to keep up with the fast-changing world in which it exists. The new pope’s challenge will be to let light through the Vatican’s windows and to open its doors to the world. For now though Catholics all over the world will be celebrating the election of their new pope, albeit in different circumstances to normal.

Pope Francis I, a gentle, devout and humble man could well be the Holy Father to guide the Church into the 21st century and beyond with renewed confidence and purpose.

Tom Perrin

Granted, religion may be less of an issue in current affairs than in the days of the Byzantine iconoclasm, the Spanish inquisition and the deist controversy, but the centuries-old ceremony of conclave was certainly able to occupy the world’s media outlets and twitter feeds earlier this week. The buried ghosts of the past will continue to rise in the Catholic Church for centuries to come. In many ways the parallels from the past reveal much of the present situation that the church finds itself in.

The papacy of Pope Francis marks a number of firsts in the history of the Catholic Church. He is the first pope since 1415 to come into the position with his predecessor having resigned. In 1415 Gregory XII resigned in a bid to end the divisions of the Western Schism between the rival claimants of Avignon and Rome. Similarly Benedict XVI has resigned nearly 600 years later amidst much division in the church between liberal and conservative factions, over issues of the church’s approach to sexual morality.

Francis is also the first pontiff from South America, and the first non-European for some 1200 years to take on the role. Interestingly he is from Argentina, a country that has made headlines twice in the same week (note the ongoing dispute over the referendum in the Falkland Islands). It would be unwise to consider the two issues to be related, unless one accepts them as both being signs of the developing world becoming more assertive and confident in its global position.

The use of symbols is also important. On Wednesday evening Pope Francis appeared, robed in white, easily recognisable as a representation of purity, simplicity and austerity. This marks a contrast with the ostentation of Benedict XVI, oddly commended earlier this month by The Guardian for his taste in designer clothes. It also marks an effort to distance the new papacy from the moral crisis that the church has found itself in of late, note the O’Brien scandal in Scotland.

The choice of ‘Francis’ as a name is significant. Papal names are important in sending out a message about what the new papacy will represent. ‘Gregory’ was one of the bookie’s favourites for a name, representative of a desire for reform in the church, Gregory I and Gregory VII, both acting as iconic reformers in the church.

It marks identification with St Francis of Assisi and the mendicant order of the Franciscans. St Francis and his followers placed great emphasis on the importance of leading a wandering, charitable and austere lifestyle, in a bid to combat the age-old criticism of the church’s decadence and its wealth. The new pontiff is known for his work in Argentina amongst the poor (famously washing the feet of AIDs victims). Bear in mind Latin America is the home of “Liberation Theology”- a potent and heady mix of Marxism and Catholicism. St Francis is also renowned as a patron saint of the natural world. This begs the question of the role the church has to play in the fight against global warming and pollution.

Historical parallels noted, this is a papacy of firsts that must look towards the future. This is the first “twitter conclave”. More people found out about the selection of the new pope by reading tweets about the white smoke from the Sistine chapel, than by seeing it in person. We’ve had our first twitter general election (2010), US presidential election (2012), and now this. Social media now plays an indispensible part in how we relate to our leaders. 

We don’t know what the papacy of Francis will mean. It would be easy to say that the church finds itself in problems like never before, but any history student (fresh from a 2pm lie-in) will tell you the church has encountered controversies every century. And indeed these issues often remain the same, but present themselves in different guises.

Tim Ellis

The Hot Pursuit

Cracked open a fortune cookie last week and you’ll never guess the gem of a line Fate decided to hand me:

Someone will pursue you this week.

I’m not normally susceptible to psycho tendencies but since I started eating Chinese food, things have definitely taken a turn for the worse; I just think it’s a little dangerous to plant those kind of thoughts in a (very receptive) mind… I’m dreading the day I have to go through a You will fall in love this month debacle.

Although, at the time I was a little less cynical and a little more, “Yeeaaah! I like the sound of that Mr. Fortune Cookie.” And so I floated out of the restaurant on cloud nine.  Smiles and joy all round; for everyone; even the creepy guy on the bicycle who then decided to… yep, that’s right… follow me.

“Alright, love?”

Yeah, I’m great. Never been better; this is Fate with a capital ‘F’ (which corresponds nicely with the other capital ‘F’ I’m thinking of right now).

On closer inspection, he wasn’t so much a creepy guy as a pre-pubescent boy of average Cheltenham descent. I definitely could have had him in a fight, but I’m not a risk taker so I whipped out the phone to call back up:

“Hannah…. mmmbeingfffolllwed!”

“What?! I can’t hear you! Speak up.”

I have absolutely no idea why, but I didn’t want to offend my pursuer by speaking about him while he was right behind me.  I could just hear my mother’s voice: “Darling, it’s very rude to speak about someone when they’re right there.” Cheers Mum! So one very lengthy, cryptic conversation later and I had eventually managed to reveal my situation and location.

“Keep walking, I’m sending Jake to get you!”

Feeling safer in the knowledge that a hero (albeit only one on loan) was on his way, I decided to confront my stalker:

“Uh, sorry, can I help you?”

(Apparently I thought I was dealing with a lost tourist).

“Oh, hi, yeah, I just wanted a chat.”

(Perfect, he’s a talker. I was worried for a second we might have had to endure a few awkward silences.)

Pulling out his headphones, he then hits me with this charmer:

“Sorry, bit anti-social of me with my music in.”

“Yeah, a little bit. Actually, while we’re on that topic, do you know what else is quite anti-social?!”

Thank you, Fortune Cookie Factory – my faith in your honesty and accuracy has been restored. If we could now just follow up on a couple you seem to have forgotten about: the brand new car and boyfriend that you promised me back in January, for instance…

Debate: should Heather Mayer have been refused a visa?

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Yes! – Sean Ford 

My support for the government in this instance is not based on ideology or any reason pertaining to Heather Mayer, the student involved, but on the fact that facing a difficult problem, the government made a decision and has stuck by it.

This individual case represents a much larger and more topical issue – that of immigration and population debates. Population in the UK is set to reach the 70 million mark by 2027 according to the latest from the Office for National Statistics. It was with this in mind that the government made its pledge to tighten the number of people immigrating to the UK, in particular those from outside the European Union.

Theresa May’s plans to limit immigration to ‘tens of thousands’ by 2015 as opposed to the ‘hundreds of thousands’ during Labour’s tenure seems to be a necessary step. There is no denying that policies such as these will cost the UK in terms of wasted opportunities and talent as we are forced to turn some immigrants away, but I think it is fair to say that the situation prior to these initiatives was not sustainable.

Now the question is why has an Oxford student, who was deemed democratically as the best candidate for an important role within one of the country’s most historic universities, been blocked a visa back to the country.  It may seem harsh, unfair and perhaps foolish on behalf of the Border Agency to deny a visa to Heather Mayer but, as we have seen, the second place candidate has been able to fill the position and so there is no lasting damage.

The criticism of these types of policies is that they pander to extremism and are more populist than practical. Yet they are not draconian or bigoted in their intentions, rather they are reflective of a real problem in this country. The government has done right to stick by its decision. 

 

No! – Joe Miles

The refusal of a work visa to the President-elect of the Hilary Sports Council is a reminder to be wary of the nonsensical policies that often originate from Whitehall.  If you need a chairperson for your society, you now have to pore over Hansard to ensure that their presence here is legal. You could always criticise Mayer for not being aware of the border policy of the country that she migrated to, but that would miss the point.

If we take a cynical reading of the new immigration policy, it seeks to reassure an ill-informed contingent of the population that people aren’t swarming over here to take billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and then just sit around watching telly. Never mind the fact that migrants from the expanded Eastern bloc aren’t allowed to claim any benefits for five years after moving here. Let’s assume that’s what people think. On that reading, this move still makes no sense.

To put into context how ridiculous this decision was, Australia has a highly stringent system which only grants visas to migrants who have a job offer. Mayer was seeking work and was still refused a visa here. This simply sends the message to highly qualified foreign applicants that even if they can find employment here we still don’t want them around.

Certain “universities” are effectively degree mills that aim to circumvent the UK immigration system. However, it is not asking too much for the immigration department to make a distinction between those institutions and trusted universities that contribute to the economic wellbeing of this country. This is costly and requires greater funding of the UKBA than we have now. Given our parlous economic situation and the need for skilled workers, it’s not a distinction we can afford not to make.

Oxford Sports Federation President-elect refused visa

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Heather Mayer, a US national, was elected President at Hilary Sports Council. But she cannot take the year-long job as she has been refused a work visa.

In an email to the Sports Federation, the serving President Hannah McKay told members, “Unfortunately, in the past six months visa regulations have changed in the UK which affected Heather as a U.S. national.

“Despite the efforts of the University Visa and Immigration Department, Heather has not been able to fulfil the requirements to obtain a visa to stay in the UK to work for the Sports Department beyond October 2013.”

Mayer, a St Hilda’s undergraduate, discovered she was being refused a visa a week after elections due to changes which make the application process more stringent.

The new laws were introduced last year as part of the government’s effort to bring immigration down to “the tens of thousands” by 2015. However critics of the scheme have accused the government of “undermining” the higher education system. 

Mayer told Cherwell, “I am extraordinarily frustrated by the new laws. It seems they were enacted as an easy way to score political points without considering whom they actually affect…I think most people don’t realize that laws like these affect a lot of people whom they would probably like to have in the country.”

She continued, “Furthermore, it’s frustrating how close I was to the changes. Had this been last year, I’d be applying for a post-study work visa and there would be no problems whatsoever. But times have changed, and I can’t do anything about it.”

The OUSF President will now be Madeleine Sava, who came second in the election under the Single Transferable Vote system. The role involves managing OUSF, the organisation which funds and encourages university sport.

In an email to members, OUSF stated it will propose amendments in Trinity Term “to reflect these changes in immigration law and to avoid a similar situation for candidates in future.”

A spokesperson for Oxford University Sports Federation told Cherwell that “it is a shame the first choice candidate could not take up the role.”

However the federation insisted that “Madeleine was the next preference of voters and is a very good candidate and will do a fine job. We are going to clarify in our election procedures who is eligible to run for the post in consultation with the university work permit desk.”

 

DEBATE: Should Heather Mayer have been refused a visa? Sean Ford and Joe Miles make the case for both sides of the debate. 

University Church reopens to the public

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The University Church of St. Mary the Virgin has reopened to the public following extensive restoration work.

The completed refurbishment, costing £5.5 million, officially opened on Friday 8 March. It marks the greatest change to the church building since the late nineteenth century.

The renovation included the restoration of the chancel and nave, the painting of the ceiling and the addition of a new ‘celure’, which recreates a celestial sky in paint. 

Improvements have also been made to the public access of the church, including the re-grading of the garden to provide wheelchair access and the installation of a lift designed to fit with the building’s historical structure.

The Reverend Canon Brian Mountford, vicar at the University Church, said in a statement, “We are delighted with the results of this restoration project and we hope our congregation and hundreds of thousands of annual visitors will be just as pleased with the Church.

“Our attention now turns towards our education project, which will celebrate the Church’s historic relationship with the community of Oxford and the University.”

The restoration took two years to complete, and was funded by Heritage Lottery Fund, Clore Duffield Foundation, University of Oxford and the Parish Church Council. The medieval building, which plays host to Oxford’s tallest spire, boasts an average of 300,000 visitors every year.

Rachel Hunter, a first year undergraduate, commented, “The Church is beautiful inside and made the long queue when I went up the tower significantly more enjoyable.”

Liz English, Christian Union rep at Hertford, told Cherwell, “Believers and passers-by alike would recognise that the Church is an integral part of Oxford. It helps to make Oxford what it is…For the cityscape and Christian life of Oxford, the University church was certainly worth saving.”

OUSU Shortlisted for Sexual Health Award

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Oxford University Student Union has been shortlisted for the UK Adult Sexual Health Project of the Year by the UK Sexual Health Awards.

The Health Awards are hosted by the sexual health charities Brook and FPA and are designed to reward bodies which demonstrate the best, most creative and innovative work in the field of sexual health.

The eventual winner will be presented with the award at the UK Sexual Health Awards ceremony and dinner on Thursday 14 March at The Troxy, an art deco theatre and concert venue in London. Comedienne Kate Smurthwaite will host the evening, and the UK Sexual Health Awards tweeted, “We’re excited to announce that the brilliant @Cruella1 [Smurthwaite] will be our host at @SHUKAwards!”

Brook shortlisted OUSU’s Sexual Consent Workshops for the UK Adult Sexual Health Project of the Year. The workshops have created discussion amongst undergraduates and post-graduates, and sports teams are also able to contribute, with a version for under 18s which is used in local schools.

The workshops allow young people to discuss what they believe sexual consent to be and the myths surrounding sexual consent and abuse. In the past year, over fifty-one individuals were trained as facilitators to hold discussions throughout the Oxford Colleges and sports teams. 

Suzanne Holsomback, Vice President of Oxford University Student Union, said, “It is a great honour to be recognised by Brook for the work Oxford University Student Union (OUSU) has done on sexual consent in the Oxford colleges and throughout the University.

“OUSU is committed to creating an environment where consent is discussed, understood, and practiced. We desire for the University of Oxford to become a place where students respect themselves and each other by communicating consent, but more importantly, we hope that through these discussions, students will challenge the culture that perpetuates sexual consent and sexual abuse myths.”

On hearing about OUSU’s nomination, Keble’s Michaelmas 2013 Fresher’s Week President Emma Alexander said, “I’m pleased to see OUSU has been nominated for this award, and it’s a good example of the great work they do that perhaps isn’t well recognised by the student body.”

As well as the award for Sexual Health Project of the Year, there are six other categories in the UK Sexual Health Awards. These include Sexual Health Professional of the Year, the JLS Young Person of the Year and the Rosemary Goodchild Award for excellence in sexual health journalism. An award for Lifetime Achievement in sexual health will also be presented. 

OUSU votes against NUS quotas

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The motion stated that “All delegations to [NUS] National Conference must include at least 50% women, rounded down. Where a union is only entitled to send one delegate and this delegate is not a woman, the union’s free observer place must be taken by a woman.”

In a straw poll taken after the discussion 17 voted in favour, 44 were against, and 11 abstained. The poll is non-binding, meaning that OUSU’s seven NUS delegates can vote according to their own will on this motion when it is brought before NUS’ April 2013 conference.

OUSU currently sends seven delegates to NUS’ annual conference.Five delegates are elected in Michaelmas, and the OUSU President and President-elect are ex officio selected as the final two delegates. The motion would mandate that of Oxford’s five elected delegates, at least three would have to be female, in order to ensure that three of the seven total delegates are female.

The 2013 OUSU delegation to NUS conference consists of three elected women, two elected men, President David Townsend and President-elect Tom Rutland.

The motion was opposed by OUSU Vice President for Women Suzanne Holsomback, who described the motion as “insulting and patronising.” She told Cherwell that whilst the motion “address[es] symptoms of gender inequality and imbalance, it does not tackle the root of the problem.

“The roots lie at the individual student union level and it needs to be addressed at that level. We need to examine what barriers block women running for high level position or seeing themselves in positions of power. Exploring this will create the interventions that will address the root problem. We all want the best delegates go to the NUS Conference and not just the women near by that can fill quotas.” 

Wadhamite Emily Cousens supported the motion, pointing to the results of Scandinavian countries with similar ‘top down’ approaches. She added that it is patronizing to women to say that good quality candidates would not emerge from a quota system. An opponent of the motion countered that OUSU should not seek seven good quality delegates, but the best seven available.

OUSU President-elect Tom Rutland supported the motion, saying that female representation was vital when the NUS considered issues such as abortion rights. 

40% of delegates at the last NUS conference were female. Jack Matthews, a student at University College, said that the number “not good enough, but it hardly constitutes a chronic failure.”

A Somervillian stated that she was “not opposed to positive discrimination itself but to the restrictions this motion would place on a democratic vote”. She remarked that “it flies in the face of democracy to use quotas to restrict a popular vote”.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Mother’s Day

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1. Don’t buy the wrong card

This may seem obvious, but this writer’s grandmother was given a sympathy card for Mothers’ Day. As pretty as the flowers on the front of a card can be, suffice to say that it is the message inside that sets the tone (in this case morbid confusion). NB: tongue-in-cheek jokes about inheritance do not go a long way to alleviate the problem.

2.  Don’t use bad grammar in the card

It doesn’t matter how fantastically gushy your home-made card is, many mothers are liable to spit coffee (which you brought to her in bed) all over it if you get the apostrophe wrong. Apparently it’s the day of the mother, not a day for mothers. But you have to suck it up. You’ve got up at the crack of dawn to honour said parent with breakfast that you’ve invested time (and love!) into; it’s really not worth starting a domestic over one rogue apostrophe.

3. Don’t listen to any protestations

Ignore your mum when makes the predictable claim that ‘you don’t need to do anything special for me on Sunday.’ Whenever anyone says you don’t need to get them a present, do the opposite.

4. Don’t go OTT when trying to impress

In theory, making breakfast in bed for the woman who popped you out and reared you is just the right level of kindness display. However, it is a well-known fact that when it comes to culinary demonstrations, playing within one’s means is a must. There’s only so much burn you can get away with by calling it ‘chargrilled’ – stick to tea and toast.

5. Don’t be afraid to ask

You’re not failing by asking her what she wants for Mother’s Day. Yes, you could get her the flowers, the chocolate, the picture frame – but you had better be confident that she will appreciate it. If there’s even the tiniest hint of ‘they don’t last’, ‘I’m on a diet’ or ‘more clutter for the house’ then you’re heading into dangerous territory. If her mantra is ‘it’s the thought that counts’ then you have permission to get any of the above.

6. Don’t give a utilitarian present

If you’re thinking, ‘this year I’ll get her something practical, you know, something she’ll really use’ – just don’t. However well-meaning, the inevitable outcome of this great idea is a gift basket of anti-ageing serum, some Filofax refill pages and a new loose-leaf tea strainer that is guaranteed at best to underwhelm and most likely to offend.

7. Don’t give a novelty present

You might panic and in a fit of blind desperation, give your mum a present that describes itself as ‘novelty’ – for example, a washing-up brush shaped like a microphone, cow slippers that ‘moo’ when you walk or a fountain pen that is disguised as lipstick and is also a key-ring and a torch. Nothing draws more attention to the fact that you had no idea what to get her than a useless novelty gift.

8. Don’t mention fathers

If the egalitarian in you thinks it’s a good idea to thank Daddy as well, beat that thought down with a big metaphorical stick. Unless you want to hear a long and uncomfortable speech about the finer details of childbirth (tick off buzzwords including “tearing”, “fluid” and “stitches”) then if only for this one Sunday, forget that man ever existed.

9. Don’t confuse Mother’s Day with Father’s Day

Father’s Day is in June. Avoid mixing the two up. Gender confusion is not a good way to flatter your mum.

10Don’t get flowers from the petrol station

This is surely a cardinal sin on Mother’s Day. Nothing screams ‘I don’t love you’ more than wilting, brown-tinged flowers being throttled by lurid red cellophane. And if you leave the £1.99 sticker on, you really are up shit creek without a paddle – good luck salvaging that one.