Wednesday, May 14, 2025
Blog Page 1553

The Secret College Footballer: Rivalries

0

Every footballer has their personal rivalries, some uglier than others. Whether born out of a hard tackle in a match, or a brawl on Park End’s R’n’B floor, the best on-field contests are driven by personal animosity.

Before kick-off I always scan the opposition for any familiar faces. The targets I recognise should strap on their shin pads and expect 90 minutes of relentless pressure. And I would only expect my counterpart to reciprocate. It’s all part of the contest. 

Call me a thug if you like, but I bet you’d think differently if you’d ever played the game at this level. There’s nothing wrong with the odd strong challenge. As Roy Keane once said, “What goes around comes around.” 

“I’d waited long enough. I fucking hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that you cunt”

In any case, the most bitter disputes seem to arise for non-footballing reasons. I know of two current players involved in a really messy affair, which started when one of
them snared the other one’s partner into the Bridge toilets to commit an act of infidelity, fully aware that he’d be coming across him on the pitch the following day. The match ended with one party receiving a red card; the other a broken metatarsal. Let’s just say the post-match handshake was abandoned and only a court injunction prevented this love triangle appearing on Cherwell’s front page.

The fact is, you don’t go to a JCR reserve league relegation dogfight expecting tiki-taka. College football is about passion – and it’s inevitable that sometimes it’ll boil over.

Photo Competition Winner!

0

Congratulations to Ben O’Connor, for his photo “Sheep!”

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6907%%[/mm-hide-text]

Good Morning Vietnam

0

All of our photo essays and our competition winners so far can be found on our Flickr page!

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6896%%[/mm-hide-text]

 [mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6905%%[/mm-hide-text]

 [mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6906%%[/mm-hide-text]

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6903%%[/mm-hide-text]

 [mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6908%%[/mm-hide-text]

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6904%%[/mm-hide-text]

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6909%%[/mm-hide-text]

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG_ORIGINAL%%6910%%[/mm-hide-text]

 

 

 

 

 

Alternative History of Hollywood

0

126 years ago today, a man was wheeled, hat in hand (so I imagine), into the Los Angeles County recorder’s office and registered a plot of land, which
he named Hollywood. This was Harvey Wilcox, a prohibitionist Christian wheelchair-bound by polio, who held a delightful vision of the site as a utopia-like community. Dreams surewere going to come true there, but Harvey’s certainly didn’t.

I wonder what Harvey would have thought if he could have momentarily slipped half a century through time. In a blink, the colour in Harvey’s world would have drained until the 1930s, at least. Harvey’s yellow brick road leads into the midst of 350 alcoholic munchkins, the Wicked Witch of the West writhing in pain as her stage makeup caught fire and nearly gave the actress a nastier end than the character on-screen.

He’d find himself in a place where cornflakes were painted white to look like falling snow, where a little man called Oscar would be everyone’s favourite person at the Academy,and almost everywhere in the world – past, present and future – would exist in a celluloid palimpsest.

In 1911 the first motion picture studio was opened in an old tavern (close your ears, Harvey) on the corner of Sunset Boulevard. By 1913 a little boy named Charlie Chaplin arrived at the New York Motion Picture Company and soon transformed himself into the most famous tramp of all time. He wasn’t the only person from afar; the Wonskolaser brothers journeyed all the way from Poland (their name changed a little bit on the way) and set up the Warner Bros Studios, whilst their star actor, Rin Tin Tin (a rescued German Shepherd) had seen far more dramatic scenes on the battlefields of WWI than anything conjured up in Hollywood.

By the 1920s up to 800 films were made a year, and shown in the movie palaces which had sprung up all over the country. In 1922, the Egyptian theatre opened –looking a little like Tutankhamun’s tomb- and held Hollywood’s first premiere, Robin Hood. Dracula had his first appearance on the silver screen in 1922, and soon there was a stampede of cowboys and dinosaurs, as the westerns and sci-fis grew in popularity.

Now, just in case Harvey’s stopped believing that this is still the same plot of land, in 1923 a kindly soul will build a rather large signpost for ‘Hollywoodland’ up on the hill. Ben-Hur became the most expensive silent movie ever in 1925, with leprosy, Jesus and even a chariot ace shot on 200,000 feet of film.

Stepping into 1928, he’d hear a giant roar, as the MGM studios record their lion for the first time; and a whistle, whilst a mouse with rather large gloves on sails in to the picture on his Steamboat Willie.

Once the depression kicks in, bullets are a-flying as the gangsters come out to play, Scarlett is lamenting for a place and a time gone with the wind, and a little girl in ruby slippers starts dreaming of a place over the rainbow. And that’s where we’ll have to leave Harvey, wheeling along his own yellow brick road.

Preview: You Maverick

0

That fine Oxford institution The Turl Street Arts Festival is rapidly approaching (fifth week if you were wondering) and let me tell you they have a treat for us this year in the form of the newly written play You Maverick. Written by a Turl Street-veteran Matt Parvin, whose previous successes at the festival include The Players and A Row of Parked Cars. Expectation is high, but this powerful piece is shaping up nicely to set the bar even higher.

Set in an Oxford college under an instance of plagiarism, it is admittedly not the most instantly fascinating of situations, however in this case we are not so much absorbed in the details of the plot, as in the seething tension between the three characters. The key to this tension are issues of bisexuality and an associated thread of bullying. Tension, threat, fragility, tension, manipulation, and tension (yes, this is a highly-wrought piece) define the mood, while character traits are fluid and chameleon-like. The play is preoccupied with the idea of people writing their own characters to suit their purposes – an interesting bit of trivia is that the working title was originally The Writers to foreground this concept.  Indeed, the psychological theories that are thrown around (Freud’s continuum of sexuality…etc) seem at times more appropriate for the lecture theatre, though this intellectualising is a guilty pleasure of student theatre we’ve come to expect and secretly delight in. Likewise, though I’m loath to criticise the script which has its poetic moments,  the dialogue can sometimes seem a bit self-consciously grand and emotive – “flagrant” and quite a different “f-word” in a sentence , anyone?

I’ve been rather vague when it comes to the knitty-gritty of the plot, but having been asked to reserve some of what I’ve seen, since it leads, so I’m told, to a shattering revelation , and  I wouldn’t want to spoil that for anyone. The play is to be performed in the round and with an immersive feel as the actors come face to face with the audience during their heated interchanges, in which Tim Drummond gives a particularly engaging performance as Casper, the dark horse of the play.

Having seen just a snippet of You Maverick, I am keen to catch it in its polished form in a week’s time. My recommendation to you: give it a go too.

No debate as town conquers gown at Union

0

Oxford University boxers won three of eight fights against the Town in front of an enthusiastic sell-out crowd in the Oxford Union’s debate chamber on Wednesday evening, as one of Oxford’s most traditional sporting rivalries continued in style.

Such an event could hardly hope for a better home: this famous chamber, though more habitually accustomed to verbal sparring, is transformed yearly into what must be one of the best amateur boxing venues in the world. Spectators lean over the railings on the balcony which surrounds the ring, while those seated on the floor at one end of the ring fill the chamber. The atmosphere they generate on these occasions is electric: clean punches landed by Oxford University boxers raise a huge cheer, while every thump received is met with a pained and sympathetic groan.

For the gown boxers, the chance to fight in front of such a vociferous and excitable home crowd must be both thrilling and intimidating. Oxford coach Des Bracket, who has been involved in these fixtures for more than ten years, emphasised the sheer excitement of the occasion: “As a fighter you’ve just got to soak this up – I fought in front of 10,000 people at the Munich Beer Festival, and I can tell you the atmosphere didn’t compare to this.”

By the time the first boxers emerged to fight in the only women’s bout on the card the feeling around the room was one of fervent anticipation. A slow clap of frustration had echoed around the chamber minutes earlier, only to be replaced by a roar of excitement as Julia Lee and Chantelle Julienne’s names were announced. Both rose to the stirrings of the crowd, contesting an intense, entertaining first round. Heeding the advice of one member of the crowd to “Hit her in the face”, OUABC boxer Lee drew massive cheers in the second for a series of clean left hand straights. As the bell rang at the end of the third, the unanimous decision of the judges was to award her the fight, much to the delight of the room.

Other university boxers seemed to be more affected by the occasion. Several were only taking to the ring for the first or second time, and they faced tough and experienced opposition in their Town counterparts, hand-picked by Oxford’s coaches from amateur boxing clubs across the country. In several bouts, it was the Town boxer who came out punching in the opening round, only to be checked as his opponent found his feet in second and third.

The prime example of this came in what was the fight of the night, as OUABC’s Callum Pirie prevailed over Tom Widdows of Emeralds ABC. Pirie had a slow start, allowing the Town boxer to dominate the centre of the ring in a first round which left him with a bloodied nose. But he grew into the contest in a tense second and when his opponent showed signs of tiredness in the third, his formerly energetic ducks and weaves now replaced by fatigued sways and rolls, Pirie threw his punches with a renewed confidence, roared on almost constantly by a riveted crowd. The noise crescendoed as a strong left hook was followed by a right hand jab to his opponent’s face, which contorted into a visible grimace of resignation. As the bell rang, the Town boxer’s body cried of defeat. Head bowed, he trudged reluctantly back to his corner to await the inevitable verdict.

The third gown win came as OUABC President Mikey Davis, won by default as his opponent pulled up with a badly sprained ankle in the third. It was otherwise a tough fight for the university boxer, as his fast-moving competitor got in close and landed a string of right-handed uppercuts that left Davis’s face red with blood.

The loudest cheer of the evening was reserved for the announcement to the ring of OUABC Captain Tom Eliasz. Superbly matched against a measured and able opponent, he lost narrowly on the judge’s decision, as did team-mates Arthur Knaggs and James Watson. Jamie Burke fared less well in a fierce fight with Leo Swinfen of Emeralds ABC. Swinfen landed a huge left hook to the head in the second round, which left Burke shaken and unsteady on his feet. He survived the count on this occasion, prompting a massive cheer of encouragement, but was stopped in the third after wearing another strong left hand to the face.

An extra element of intrigue was added to proceedings by the three inter-club fights which Bracket likened to a “shoot-out” for the single Varsity place in each of the weight classes. With the allegiance of the crowd for once in doubt, Ian Holland, Jack Prescott and Denis Kent triumphed against their team-mates in a trio of tense and closely-fought bouts.

Government rattles football’s cage

0

At the time of the last general election the parlous state of many football clubs was front page news. In October 2010 Liverpool Football Club was days away from bankruptcy as its directors and American owners fought a High Court battle to allow the Club to be sold to enable its debts to be repaid. Across the nation from Glasgow to Portsmouth, MPs’ post bags were apparently bulging with letters from constituents expressing outrage at the way their local clubs were being (mis)managed. And so the Coalition initiated parliamentary hearings by the Commons Culture, Media and Sport Committee (“CMSC”) to investigate the governance of football. The great and good of the game were dragged before MPs and asked to explain themselves. In July 2011 the CMSC duly issued its report calling for big changes to improve financial stability, debt levels, supporter involvement and governance. This week, eighteen months on, John Whittingdale MP, Chair of the committee, impatient with a perceived lack of progress by the football authorities in enacting their recommendations issued what is effectively a twelve month ultimatum with words to the effect of “get your house in order or we will legislate!”.

So is it right and necessary that Government should regulate football?

Consumer surveys regularly find that football ranks just behind family for many millions of citizens when asked what is the most important thing in their lives. Football clubs in Britain are deeply rooted in their local communities where in many cases they were formed with an overt and important social function to provide a distraction for youth and a cheap form of accessible entertainment for the working masses. While football’s supporter base has gentrified somewhat in the post-war, and particularly the Premier League era, it is still true that a collapse of a football club causes serious damage to the local community in which it sits and can hit the most needy hardest. Clubs tend to have many local tradesmen and small businesses as suppliers and many low paid employees all of whom are very vulnerable. The liquidations of Portsmouth FC and Glasgow Rangers FC are the highest profile examples of this in recent times. Both these financial collapses followed debt funded takeovers by acquirers with murky backgrounds.

Government has been scathing about the so called “fit and proper persons test” which is supposed to enable the leagues to vet the backgrounds of would be acquirers before they complete their takeovers. When controversial Thai politician Thaksin Shinawatra was freely allowed to acquire Manchester City despite there being extremely serious allegations about him in the public domain one could understand government and media skepticism of football’s ability and willingness to police who owns our Club.

On the governance side, notwithstanding the generally critical and impatient tone of the politicians, the committee Chair Mr Whittingdale has rightly made approving comments about the recent progress made under the new Football Association Chairman David Bernstein.  Bernstein has taken strong stands on racism, the relationship with UEFA and FIFA and most critically, in terms of influencing the way football in England is managed, seems to have engendered a good working relationship with the Premier League. All of which makes it supremely ironic that he is being removed by his employers, the FA, this summer for the simple crime of turning seventy years old. Imagine if Tesco started firing seventy year old check-out operators. Surely there would an outcry for the government to take action. This FA “own-goal” must have been one of the reasons for the Government turning up the heat this week. 

That said it is important to acknowledge that the general direction of travel in football is towards more sensible financial management. All fans will have noticed the marked lack of activity in the January transfer window which closed this week.  Phrases like “financial fair play” and “wage caps” are entering the lexicon of mainstream football lingo.  The Premier League point to recently beefed up vetting procedures for directors and owners which include a requirement to provide full disclosure of a club’s accounts and business plan in advance of every season which should prevent a repetition of the debt-fuelled catastrophic takeovers. Moreover UEFA’s much trumpeted financial rules which force all clubs to break even are already seemingly having an effect on irresponsible transfer spending and leading to some wage restraint. In general the football authorities think they are addressing the concerns of the CMSC with self-regulation and are therefore asking government to stay out of the game’s inbox.

I am personally skeptical when I see politicians anywhere near a sporting photo op and any attempt to police football is surely no more than a cynical attempt to capitalize on public antipathy to football’s wealth and occasional mismanagement. The idea that somebody in Westminster should spend time drafting laws to govern football is as crazy as UEFA’s refusal to bring goal line technology into the sport. Despite genuine concerns on both sides on the way football clubs have recently been behaving, meddling MPs are at risk of scoring a costly own goal.

André Leon Talley: Still in Vogue

0

“Red carpet kills fashion,” says André Leon Talley, sit­ting in a finely furbished room at the Old Parson­age Restaurant. Dressed in a Black Panther coat designed especially for him by Karl Lagerfeld, and personalised UGG boots with a bright red ALT logo emblazoned on the front, this six-foot-seven former Vogue Editor-at-large certainly captures the attention of the three old ladies sitting at the next table, gracefully sipping their afternoon tea. “Fash­ion is too rushed, too instant. It’s the modern times. People no longer have time to dress, not to mention travel in style. Not so long ago women would go to a beauty salon to get their hair done before setting off to the train station. They would stroll elegantly down the platform with a little dog on a leash while their private porter would take care of the freshly waxed leather suitcases. Everyone travelled in style, not only the privileged ladies. I still remem­ber my grandma’s trips to the North; she used to separate the neatly folded heaps of clothes with layers and layers of tissue paper.”

He pauses, takes a sip of his ginger-lemon drink and looks nostalgically at the waiters hectically cleaning the table at the far end of the room. “The times of Studio 54, these were the days of glory. Andy Warhol, Diana Ross, — oh, and of course Bianca Jagger arriving on a white horse at her 30th birthday party. We would dance till dawn to the best music you could imagine. And the tonnes of glitter every­where around us – weeks after those fabulous nights you would still find glitter in the hems of your clothes.” He puts his black crocodile Prada gloves aside and picks up his phone.

Talley was raised in a deeply religious com­munity in North Carolina by his grandmother Benny Davies, whom he describes as, “the first women who showed me the true meaning of style.” Having graduated from North Carolina Central University and obtaining his master’s degree in French literature at Brown Univer­sity, he was finally discovered at the Metropoli­tan Art Museum by the legendary Vogue Edi­tor Diana Vreeland. “I had an hour to design a swimsuit out of a pile of metal disks to impress Miss Vreeland.”

Evidently, one hour was enough to turn his world around and grant him a new fabulous life: from working at Andy Warhol’s Factory for $50 a week, through earning the position of Paris Fashion Editor for Women’s Wear Daily in 1977, and becoming Fashion Editor of Eb­ony magazine in 1982. Talley finally arrived at Vogue in 1983, where 15 years later he was to be promoted to the position of Editor-at-large.

Even as a young boy, Talley would make sev­en hour trips to New York to pick up his own copy of Vogue. He would spend hours going through the same photos over and over again and eventually sticking his favourite pages up on the wall above his bed. Those 250 pages of colourful print were his source of inspiration, just as today many young people pore over fashion blogs.

I attempt to ask him if he follows any blogs himself, but I’m cut short by an abrupt “No. Do I read what..?” He sighs and shakes his head im­patiently. “I take inspiration from history and art. The coat that I was wearing yesterday at the Oxford Union,” he pauses and adds with a de­liberately patronising tone, “Yes, the coat, not a cape: it was a ‘chado’ designed by an American Designer Ralph Gucci, who took inspiration from the coats that the 17th century samurai warriors would wear over their armour to keep them warm before battle.”

I ask Talley about his style preferences: “I find the Duke of Windsor’s style tremendously inspirational. Pressed white shirt, tie, jacket – in other words Sunday church clothes — I was brought up that way.” I point out that his current clothes are rather more extravagant. “Oh yes, my style has evolved. This is my own interpretation of everything that surrounds me. I dress that way to show people that there are no rules in fashion. Perhaps I picked it up from the Factory, which gave me a great sense of freedom and confidence. At the Factory peo­ple were allowed to be themselves, you would even be encouraged to be yourself; you weren’t judged. Yes, I can wear a suit but I find it con­strictive, boring and establishment-orientat­ed.”

He halts and points at one of the portraits hanging on the wall opposite our table. “It is easy to go and have a suit fitted for you and then simply pick up a bowler hat.” His clothes, however, “reflect more originality”, he contin­ues, pointing at an impressionist painting of a fisherman. “It is not easy to put on a shirt and trousers like that and still have, what I call, dash.”

Having travelled around the world, sat in the front row of many national fashion weeks and met models of various nationalities, Talley cer­tainly has some light to shed on national dress sense. “Best dress sense is global these days, there isn’t one nationality that dresses best. However, I cannot deny that people are fabu­lously dressed in Moscow. Their outfits reflect the long legacy of splendour and royal opu­lence: fur collars, military-inspired coats but also 19th century floral skirts almost like a ba­bushka doll.” Talley’s position on fur is not al­ways enthusiastically welcomed. In fact, Anna Wintour has often been the target of animal rights organisations, which condemn her pro­motion of fur in Vogue. “Every one should have their own opinion about everything in life,” he tells me. “If you want to wear fur, it’s fine. If you do not wish to wear fur then it’s your decision but do not attack other people who wear it.”

But it’s not only the use of fur that has stirred controversy among fashion critics: in 2007 Tal­ley confessed that most of the Vogue girls are so thin, “tremendously thin, because Miss Anna doesn’t like fat people.” When I mention this, Talley responds, “Oh not again, I got into trouble for saying that. What I really meant is that Anna is concerned about people being healthy. If you are overweight then probably you are not so healthy.”

Talley is known for using his influence to promote young fashion designers and mentor young talents in other fields. Jennifer Hudson is one of his pupils, who in 2005 made it to the cover of Vogue. In the history of Ameri­can Vogue, however, there have only been 28 covers with black models. I decide to talk to Talley about this sensitive issue. “Everything needs time. I think that the ratio of black and white models in the fashion world will change slowly. In fact, those 28 covers reflect an enor­mous evolutionary process, which was stirred to a great extent by Anna Wintour. We can see a gradual change from where we started; from Beverly Johnson the first black model on the cover of American Vogue in 1974, Naomi Sims the first black woman in the TV commercial in 1977, to Michele Obama the first black First Lady of the cover of Vogue. The world of fashion slowly embraces women of colour. Vogue must reflect its times, and it does”.

“I don’t have a favourite black model. I don’t have a favourite anything. I love many things. I love Naomi Campbell, Liya Kebede, Joan Smalls,” he stops and casts a theatrically sur­prised glance around the table. “Have you not heard of Joan Smalls? Do your research, go on YouTube, do your homework!” He laughs, mod­ulating his voice, “she is a top top top model. Oh, and of course, Naomi Sims who led the way for black women in the predominantly white fashion industry. To see a black model in the white TV blast wearing a pink couture dress and advertising a mobile phone was a definite breakthrough. Naomi represents to me history in its finest moment.”

Talley pauses and fixes his gaze on my plate. After a moment of silence he exclaims with dis­gust, “Do we really have to look at this savage image?” I realise that Talley is referring to the fish skeleton which remains on my plate after the delicious lemon sole that I ordered. “We don’t live in the Medieval Ages anymore. In eve­ry decent restaurant, the waiter comes with a separate plate and offers to debone the fish for us. It’s as simple as that.”

Talley confesses that he was extremely privi­leged to witness and withstand the mini dec­ade of revolutions in the fashion world. Asked about his greatest achievements he replies in­stantly, “Coming to Oxford. I was completely dumbstruck by the invitation. At first I didn’t quite take it seriously, I though it was a joke. I had to read it twice to finally believe. Knowing the history, legacy and gravitas of the Oxford Union I felt extremely honoured.

[mm-hide-text]%%IMG%%6887%%[/mm-hide-text]

I shared this news with Anna Wintour who said, ‘They will grill you to death.’” He launches a rocket of deep laughter across the room that turns heads and lowers teacups. “It was a su­preme experience. The students were incredi­bly informed, incredibly smart. I don’t feel that I’ve been grilled at all. I absolutely loved the in­dividuality of their style. I noticed some superb rabbit fur hats, Cleopatra-style make-up, and a red mohair coat, which – in combination with flat shoes – was way ahead of the fashion.”

The clock strikes five. Talley finishes his men­the and chocolate ice pudding, picks up his little black Prada purse with its silver dragon emblem and slowly makes his way to the res­taurant door. The long tail of his raven black coat finally vanishes into the darkness of the late January evening.

Standing face to face with an empty car park space, where just a second ago stood his shiny black limo, I am trying to readjust my senses to the ordinariness of life. I just met an extraor­dinary man: the man who lived a dream. Or perhaps it is better to say, the man who dreamt a life?

Fifty Shades of Cosmo

0

Cosm-orgasm
In my experience, when girls aren’t satisfied in the bedroom they turn to the sex gospel, Cosmopolitan, to tell them everything there is to know about spicing up their sex lives and finding that holy grail of sex: the ever sought after, mind-blowing orgasm. But should we really be taking advice from a bunch of sex-driven journos, or should we just work out what feels good for ourselves? I decided to delve deep into the glossy pages and spend a week living by the rules of Cosmo.

Luckily, my boyfriend, let’s call him ‘S’, was very obliging when I asked to use him as my guinea pig for this assignment, with one proviso – that I would write under a pseudonym. I spent the weekend flicking through the Cosmo archives and folded down the corners of some experimental and explicit sex articles that I was determined to try – all in the name of Cherwell research. With my resources in tow, I was ready to test out Cosmo’s guide to “kinky fuckery”.

Foreplay
Now there is no denying it: all girls love foreplay, myself included. But over the years, I have noticed that Cosmopolitan has some interesting suggestions that venture outside the realm of the four-base high school spectrum, and into the I-am-a-sex-god-bow-down-to-me-now kingdom.
One of the highlights from an article back in 2012 recommended repairing a dull sex life by tying one’s boyfriend to the floor and then strutting around the room wearing nothing but a pair of stilettos. It all sounded very good in principle, but the real obstacle here was finding an instrument with which to tie my boyfriend to the floor. Cosmo seemed to conveniently skim over the finer logistical details, and I quickly realised I should really have practiced my sailor knots; an unsuccessful binding resulted in me getting S to pretend he was tied up, whilst I slipped into the bathroom for the big strip off. I think to really do this properly, you need to imagine that you are Sex and The City’s Samantha and put on a really empowering Beyoncé track. I did neither, and after the first 30 seconds of pulling some shapes started to feel rather self-conscious and wanted to move on from this awkward dance. S, on the other hand was unsurprisingly loving the whole experience, his eyes alight with desire. It was fun being in control but I think S got a lot more out of it than I did.

Another one of Cosmo’s favourites is couple masturbation. I guess in principle, it is a great way of educating your partner on what feels good for you; and when it comes to sex, demonstrating is a lot more effective than verbalising. But I think there was probably a reason why neither of us had ever suggested simultaneous masturbation at any point during our relationship. We got to work whilst sitting at either end of my bed. The newness of the experience made the two of us giggle and it ended up getting rather competitive as to who would come first. It isn’t something that I’d be desperate to implement into my regular sex life as –after all – it is a lot more arousing having someone else do all the work. But it was definitely worth trying, and if nothing else, it resulted in a lot of laughter.

 

Sex Positions
Cosmopolitan has an enormous array of sex positions and tips; you only have to look on their website to witness the sheer magnitude of it. Bored stiff of missionary? Doggy not doing it for you? Cosmo is guaranteed to fill you with ideas of new positions at which to try your hand.
One position I was keen to test out, for it’s sheer difficulty, is called the ‘XXX Wallbanger.’ To get into position, the woman faces the wall with her buttocks to her partner. The man then has to do a headstand and “slowly bends his penis upward as far as is comfortable” whilst the woman straddles his penis and starts grinding. Now, from my experience, no man enjoys having his erect penis bent backwards, and no woman looks for a sexual position in which the penetration is almost nonexistent. Not to mention the overwhelming draining of blood to the man’s head (surely you want it to flow to the opposite end?) Despite its cool name, whoever invented this sex position must either have been an ex-gymnast or had a 13-inch penis. S and I swiftly moved on from this position and will probably never try it again.
‘Rock-a-bye Booty’ was the next position on the agenda. The woman straddles the man and then the man sits up so that the two of you are face to face; bodies entwined. Thrusting is impossible in this position, leaving the two of you to rock back and forth to generate movement. This requires rather a lot of balance and core muscle strength as one overpowering move could topple you both over, leaving you a tangled mess on the floor. There is lots of opportunity for kissing and intimacy, which is nice; but if you’re not careful, you may end up feeling like you are playing the trampoline game ‘crack the egg’.

Sex Toys
This Cosmo project would not be complete without sex toys. S and I definitely used this as an excuse to make a few investments. If you aren’t comfortable with buying a fully blown ‘Rampant Rabbit’, cock rings and vibrators are a lot more discreet and you can even buy them from Boots.
S and I decided to go for a mix of the two; a vibrating cock ring, with a clitoris-stimulating arm. We both got a lot out of it, my only complaint being that you only get a 30-minute battery life before you have to chuck it away, so don’t bank on multiple uses! Nonetheless, I felt like my faith in Cosmo had been somewhat restored after the disaster of the over-ambitious acrobatic sex positions.

Opinion
Never has being a Cherwell contributor been so fun. A hell of a lot of sex later, I feel I am pretty knowledgeable when it comes to Cosmopolitan’s tricks of the trade. Have I gained anything from the experience? I wouldn’t exactly say that I have come away from this week with the ability to orgasm-on-demand, or that I have discovered a brand new sex position that blows my socks off, but it was worth doing the research just to discard some possibilities if nothing else.

Ultimately, Cosmopolitan has to fill its pages each month, and considering that humans have been having sex since the beginning of time, there isn’t really anything a magazine can tell you that you can’t work out for yourself. Not to mention the fact that how good the sex is, and what positions feel good is completely down to the pairing of two people. Yes, maybe Cosmo can give you a push in the right direction – but quite honestly, some of its suggestions are quite simply ludicrous and unrealistic (I mean who has ever had a 60-minute orgasm?) if not high in turn-off potential. All in all, I have had a lot of fun and laughs, and would recommend that all women (and men) do a little research project of their own.

Preview: Bunny

0

Cherwell’s verdict: Definitely hop along to this production.

Upon arriving at the preview for Bunny, one of the Burton Taylor’s offerings for fifth-week, I will admit my ears drooped a little when I discovered that the cast amassed to one person and that the entire play is a monologue. At the best of times, one man shows can become a little tedious. This combined with the frequent haphazardness of student theatre can be disastrous. Finding out that the story is set in Luton also did nothing to aid my cynicism.

However, the combination of an edgy script by Jack Thorne (writer of Skins and This is England ’86), expertly delivered by Emma D’Arcy as schoolgirl Katie, means that this Rough-Hewn production has the potential to be very impressive.

D’Arcy is very convincing as the babbling, rough-around-the-edges Katie. She exudes energy at the start, occasionally a little too much, with a few too many lines being lost through her jabbering and Essex-girl accent. Indeed, for the first ten minutes I was wondering whether I was in for an hour of conversation akin to chatter on a school bus. However, from the middle of the play through to the end, her performance is impeccable, with changes from tension to humour being navigated with care and believability. Mention should also be made of her ability to effectively convey other characters, whilst still giving us the impression that we are being told a story.

The interaction with the audience is what really makes this monologue work. D’Arcy addresses people directly, maintaining eye contact. I felt that I took on roles within the plot, sometimes as other characters, sometimes as Katie herself, but mostly as her friend of confidant. Also, unlike in many one man shows, D’Arcy never appears awkward on stage; there is just enough movement to keep it interesting, without detracting from the story that is being told.

The play will also be using animations by Joel Macpherson to help create the images of Luton that Katie describes. Whilst this perhaps isn’t a necessity, it may make this hour long play slightly less stilted for those who are sceptical about seeing a one actor production. (For a preview of these animations, look out for the Bunny trailer).

A funny yet provocative script exceptionally delivered – the Burton Taylor will be the ideal venue for this conversational production.