Friday 15th August 2025
Blog Page 1640

SOLO crash irritates students

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Last Friday the online Bodleian search engine SOLO crashed leaving hundreds ofstudents without the ability to find their books.

The Bodleian search engine, “Search Oxford Libraries Online” (SOLO), temporarily stopped working last Friday. The search engine allows users to find which Bodleianor college libraries hold certain books.

Oana Romocea, Communications Manager for Bodleian Libraries, commented, “We are very sorry for the outage of the libraries online catalogue. The downtime was the result of an external failure with the host who provide additional search functionality for SOLO.”

She continued, “We are currently working with our external supplier to provide amore reliable product. We apologize for any inconvenience the SOLO downtime caused to our users and we will try to do everything within our control to prevent thishappening again in future.”

Maddy Ward, a theologian finalist, told Cherwell, “the prospect of not being able to find my books for a few hours initially filled me with dread. Until I realised that the Bod has all books anyway, so I just went there and the crisis was averted.”

Ben Harris, a PPEist at St Johns, was equally affected saying, “I was riding SOLO, but then it crashed. I can’t believe our system has sunk SOLO.”

Although the crash did affect many students many more were less distraught. An anonymous third year Biochemist said, “I hadn’t realised SOLO crashed until you asked me about it.”

The search engine has been known to crash before, including the infamous “Black Friday”, 25th February 2011, in which it crashed for literally minutes. It is yet to be known whether last Friday’s crash will also go down in history.

Luckily the crash was fixed within hours,.

Union denies OCA meetings

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The Oxford Union has refused to sign a contract allowing Oxford Conservative Association (OCA) to hold their weekly ‘Port and Policy’ event in the Union for free. 

The current arrangement has been in place since the start of ‘Port and Policy’ in 1994, where the Macmillan Room has been available to the Association for free every Sunday evening of term, instead of the usual fee of £550 per use.

John Lee, President of the Oxford Union, said, “Over the years, people have misleadingly come to associate the Oxford Union with the Oxford Conservative Association. This is in no small part because their most regular meeting, ‘Port and Policy’, has been held weekly at the Union for a very long time. 

“The only ideology of the Union is free and open debate. It holds no political allegiance and is a forum for discussion of all beliefs and opinions. In line with this thinking, no contract was signed that would give OCA preferential treatment. However, they are still very welcome to hire out Union rooms at the same rate as any other organisation, political or not.”

‘Port and Policy’ is described by OCA as “an informal debate where everyone is welcome to contribute if they wish.” Port is served to help “lubricate mental cogs.’

Port and Policy led to controversy last year, as a video of a member singing an anti-Semitic song at the event and leaked to national press. The association was subsequently banned indefinitely from using Corpus Christi college premises by the college’s Dean.

Jack Andrews, a theology student, criticised the previous arrangements, “I’m appalled that this went on for as long as it did. Whatever your political affiliations, you pay to join the Oxford Union expecting impartiality and for the society to do its best to drive costs down for its members by looking for additional revenue. ”

Nathan Akehurst, a second year at Lincoln, said, “The weekly ‘Port and Prejudice’ shindigs are something no-one outside of OCA will miss. Quite apart from the Union’s rightful decision as a house of free speech to separate itself from party politics, it got very frustrating hearing raucous renditions of old Etonian chants whilst trying to enjoy a quiet pint in the members’ bar.

OCA was disaffiliated from the University earlier this year due to its failure to meet “the financial and administrative standards of a recognised student club”, according to Proctors.

George Mawhinney, president of OCA, explained, “Mr Lee did offer to co-host events with us, however the terms of these offers were not in OCA’s best interests and so I declined them.’

Mansfield party shut down by police

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Police were called to a house party held by Mansfield second years in Bullingdon Road in Freshers’ Week following noise complaints. They were reportedly joined by an angry local and a TV camera crew.

The arrival of the police, following noise complaints made by neighbouring residents, caused the house party to come to an early end just after 1am on Thursday 4th October.

One Mansfield visiting student, Brendan Caldwell, wrote on his blog, ‘Brendan’s Adventures Across the Pond’, “A man who was reportedly homeless began banging on the front door of the house, demanding we keep it down and tried to pick a fight with several people at the front of the house. At some point he smashed one of the windows at the front of the house.

“Immediately upon leaving the house I found a police officer, a drunk homeless man, and a camera crew. The camera crew was for a BBC documentary being made about a ‘party patrol’ that scours the town of Oxfordshire looking for parties to bust.”

Oxford City Council and police have been working together to target disruptive social behavior with a new “Party Patrol initiative”. A spokesperson for Oxford City Council commented, “A number of complaints were received by the Police about parties on 3rd October. Party Patrol was operating on that particular night and dealt with all calls received.”

A spokesperson for Thames Valley Police said, “I can confirm we received several calls from members of the public about noise coming from a party taking place at a property in Bullingdon Road, Oxford, in the early hours of Thursday 4th October. Police attended just before 1am and the party was wound down within thirty minutes.’

Mansfield Entz Reps, in an email to the JCR, invited all its members to the “traditional freshers house party” as organised by residents in a house on Bullingdon Road. Following the event, they gave a “massive thank you to everyone who lives in Bullingdon Road for a storming house party last night”.

One Entz Rep told Cherwell, “This was one of the few events in Fresher’s Week which Entz reps were not involved in organising.”

One Mansfield fresher, Luke Rollason, said, “I knew about the noise complaint. I’m pretty sure there was an angry homeless guy. There was also an angry neighbour. He was pretty angry.”

Another first year, Tom Babb, added, “It’s just another stellar night from ladtastic Ladsfield”.

Students hit out at HFL Move

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The History Faculty Library (HFL) has been closed and its services relocated to the Lower Radcliffe Camera, following a decision made earlier this year, though plans to introduce lending in the Bodleian were shelved.

Last year students and academics expressed concern that the changes would lead to overcrowding of a library that was already host to Classics, Philosophy, English Literature and Theology. There was also widespread opposition to plans for the Bodleian to start lending.

Fellow in English at New College, Dr William Poole, commented on the pace of the changes, “Most of the ‘big’ decisions had already been made long before the sleepy dons shook their locks.” He added that many dons were worried about the culture of management, claiming that library users were not consulted beforehand, “One gets the feeling that large changes were agreed by small groups of people behind doors with little or no practical experience of what teaching and research actually means to real academics and students.”

Professor Gregory Hutchinson, who wrote his book, Greek to Latin: Frameworks and Contexts for Intertextuality, in the RadCam, observed the changes taking place over the summer. He wrote in the Oxford Magazine, “I reflected that I could never have got the book written in this transmogrified library.”

A University of Oxford spokesperson said, ‘The relocation of the History Faculty Library from the Old Indian Institute Building to the Old Bodleian Library and Radcliffe Camera had been planned for a time, and the move was subject to consultation with students, staff and researchers. It had been realised that the integration of the History Faculty Library services and collections into the Radcliffe Camera would make savings that could be reinvested in improved services and would improve access.

They continued, ‘The Bodleian Libraries can now have Sunday opening hours in the Radcliffe Camera and purchase new books, journals and electronic and digital resources by reassigning the funds spent on maintaining the separate premises of the History Faculty Library. This will lead to benefits for academics and students in the humanities, who will have easier access to the Bodleian’s most important historical collections and can visit history collections on Sundays.

‘These changes have not been driven by the Oxford Martin School. The Bodleian has been evolving and improving its service in line with its “Vision” published in 2006, where library consolidation and improved services were set out.’

An organised campaign by Classicists proved effective. “After vigorous representations from Classics senior members, on behalf of scholars, graduates and undergraduates, the Bodleian helpfully agreed to restore the volumes which had been removed to the Classics open shelves. Difficulties for other subjects remain, but the Bodleian is starting further consultation.”

OUSU has consistently supported the changes. Chris Gray, OUSU Vice President said, “Our predecessors accepted the HFL closure as it allowed for the Bodleian to open on Sundays. Longer opening hours have been the biggest demand of students for a long time. As a historian myself I still think this was the right decision, though as that decision was made before we came in to office our priority has been to ensure that the move happens in a way that is not detrimental to students.“

‘When the moves began it did become clear that some of the resulting changes which were made elsewhere, including the Classics rooms, were damaging to the experience of some users. Along with academics and students, OUSU raised these issues with the Bodleian and they were quickly and effectively addressed. If any further issues like this arise we urge students and student reps to bring them to our attention so that they too can be dealt with.”

The responses of History students have been varied. Phillip Bell, a 2nd year Historian at Exeter, said, “The Radcliffe Camera is a more useful resource because there are much longer opening hours. I think that there must be less reading space altogether now. To be honest, it is hard to find the books you need in either. I just use the college library or the Bodleian.”

Davina Pearce, another 2nd year Historian, said, “The Gladstone link is already busier and noisier than it was last year. The History Faculty was full in Trinity last year so I don’t know where they think people will go when they are revising. People take History books from the lower RadCam down into the Gladstone link and they take ages to get back up.”

One Historian urged a sense of perspective, commenting, “It’s had very little impact on my academic life, since my college library generally has the books I need anyway. It’s a bit of a shame not having a separate place to study but by no means the end of the world.”

RadCam users from other subject areas have not been too perturbed by the Historians’ arrival. Second Year English student Anna Ssemuyaba said, “The library is a bit busier, but I don’t really mind.”

Alexis Dale, a second year PPEist, put the problem down to psychology, “if people actually realised there was an upper camera and a Gladstone link, then it would be fine, but people just cram into the lower camera which is dark and dingy anyway.”

Ben Houghton, a History finalist, joked, “The sweat, the body odour, the sexual tension; it gets so busy I’m not sure if I’m in the Radcliffe Camera or in the club Camera!”

Oxfam’s 70th birthday brings famous faces to Oxford

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A host of celebrities gathered at the Oxford Playhouse on Sunday 14th October for Eight Stories High, an event celebrating Oxfam’s 70th anniversary through storytelling and performances. 

Special guests included Oxfam Global Ambassador, Kristin Davis, actress Bonnie Wright and Glastonbury founder Michael Eavis. During the evening, video contributions from singer Annie Lennox and actor Colin Firth gave were shown.

The Ugandan breakdance group, Tabu Flo, also performed. The dancers met in 2007 through the Breakdance Project, which aims to support poor youths and child soldiers through teaching them how to dance in an attempt to bring the community together and to encourage positive change. By performing at the event, they hoped to ‘send out a message that Oxfam is not just involved in poverty and education – it’s beyond that.’

Before the event, Kristin Davis said she was ‘deeply proud’ to be a part of Oxfam and Eight Stories High, stating, ‘there are so many untold and fantastic stories that touch Oxfam’s world, which should be shared.’ She added, ‘one of the wonderful things about tonight is that we get to show actual projects and talk about them.’

In the aftermath of the southeast Asia tsunami of 2004, Davies got involved with Oxfam as a donor because of their providing long term aid to support recovery in the affected countries. She stated, ‘They’re actually still there many years later and I was so impressed by the rationale behind their thinking.Oxfam really believe in the respect of the people.’ 

Since then, Davis has made two trips to Africa with Oxfam, travelling to several poverty stricken countries including Uganda and South Africa. She has taken a particular interest in the rights of women in these communities, such as Chitehwe, a small village in Mozambique. In this settlement, villagers were living on less than $1 per week but, being close to the Zimbabwe border, received no government aid for fear of it getting to the rebels.

Now a project supported by Oxfam is enabling women to keep chickens to provide for themselves and generate an income for their families, allowing the children to return to school. Oxfam is also involved in introducing medical care in the area. Davis finished, ‘this is a great example of the fundamentals of Oxfam.’

Ian and Victoria Hislop, both former students of Oxford University, also took part in the event. They have supported Oxfam since they were teenagers.  Ms Hislop commented, ‘There are a lot of organisations out there that are doing good, it’s undeniable.’

The two decided to support Oxfam because, as Mr Hislop stated, ‘Oxfam make sure that if you give them some money, they spend it properly.’ Ms Hislop has aided Oxfam by donating short stories to Oxfam anthologies Ox-Tales and Ox-Travels, whilst Mr Hislop helped to launch Oxfam campaigns such as 2008’s World Food Crisis appeal. He hoped that the event would prompt others to ‘put their hand in their pocket.’

The evening raised £40,000, which will be used to fight poverty, with donations including a pair of Kristin Davis’ Christian Louboutin stilettos.

Trenton Oldfield jailed for six months

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Trenton Oldfield has today been jailed for six months for causing a public nuisance, after disrupting the University Boat Race earlier this year by swimming into the path of the competing crews.

The 36-year-old, from east London, has also been ordered to pay £750 in costs.

Oldfield said he was demonstrating against “elitism” when he swam into the path of crews on 7 April, interrupting the 158th race between Oxford and Cambridge.

But today Judge Anne Molyneux said that he had acted dangerously, disproportionately, displayed prejudice and showed no regret for his actions.

She said, “You did nothing to address inequality by giving yourself the right to spoil the enjoyment of others. In doing so, you acted without regard for equality and contrary to the meaning of it.

‘You made your decision to sabotage the race based on the membership or perceived membership of its participants of a group to which you took exception. That is prejudice.’

She continued, “Every individual and group of society is entitled to respect. It is a necessary part of a liberal and tolerant society that no one should be targeted because of a characteristic with which another takes issue.

‘Prejudice in any form is wrong. Your offence was planned. It was deliberate. It was disproportionate. It was dangerous. You have shown no regret.’

David Searle, the Executive Boat Race Director, defended the decision of the court in a statement on the University Boat Club’s website, writing that “We are satisfied with the decision of the judge today.” However, he expressed his desire to “put this whole incident behind us and move on to the next Boat Race in 2013.”

Students also offered support for Mr Oldfield’s jail sentence. Joe Larvin, Captain of Boats at St John’s College, stated that “What he did was shameful. He deliberately ruined an event that is a national treasure enjoyed by millions across the world and has subsequently shown no remorse for his actions.” Mr Larvin described the protestor’s actions as “criminal”, and therefore felt that “a jail sentence is befitting.” 

Oldfield’s wife, Deepa Naik, disagreed, defending his actions outside court. She said, “Trenton’s protest was a reaction to an increasingly brutal business, media and political elite. Great Britain has convinced many it is the home of democracy and the gauge of civilisation. Anyone living here today knows Britain is a brutal, deeply divided, class-driven place.’

During the trial, Trenton argued that his protest was a “symbolic guesture” as the Boat Race was viewed by him as “a symbol of a lot of issues in Britain around class.” He added, “Seventy per cent of government pushing through very significant cuts are Oxford or Cambridge graduates.”

He also disputed the claims that he put himself in danger, telling the court that having lived in Australia, he was used to dodging surfboards, rocks and boats.

Four-time Olympic gold medal-winning rower Sir Matthew Pinsent, who was assistant umpire of the race, disagreed, stating “He could have been killed if he had been struck by an oar or the rigging, which is metal.”

Oldfield’s barrister, Benjamin Newton, said, ‘Save for the events of April 7th, he could not be regarded as a better role model for civic-minded individuals.’

DIY Curly Hair Rescue

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Over the years I have tried everything with my hair. I’ve thrown more products and money at it than is morally acceptable. I’ve tried to coax it and beat it into submission. I’ve read books about curls, watched tutorials for hairdressers, concocted dodgy homemade conditioners. I’ve hated my curls, then been a vocal curly hair zealot, and now am just about back to reality. So here’s my step by step guide to getting your hair back on track:

 

  1. Take a step back. It’s got to the point where you need a total hair care overhaul. There are two very simple rules at the start of this recovery process. First, take a breath and step away from the heat. That’s it. No hairdryers. No straighteners. At least not for a couple of months until your hair’s had some time to recover. It won’t always be easy. Your hair’s not going to look amazing overnight. At times you’ll be tempted to reach for the ghds. But resist. I promise it’ll be worth it. Second, bin all your products, or at least put them to the side. This is back to basics, introducing one product at a time – how can you tell what’s working if you have twenty products in your hair at once?

 

  1. Washing your hair. Curly hair is dry. Curly hair is not naturally greasy. So curly hair does not need to be washed every day. You’ve damaged your hair by over-washing (and by the products you’ve been washing it with). Stop it. Wash your hair every three or four days – you can step it back up to once every other day later if you like. You may get some itchiness initially but your scalp will adjust its oil production to the new regime fast. When you do wash your hair, use a sulphate-free shampoo. I’m currently using one with an impossibly long name from Schwarzkopf, but the brand doesn’t matter – just google ‘sulphate/sulfate-free’ to see what’s available. Sulphates are the chemicals that make shampoos froth so your shower may not be as bubbly, but they also strip out natural moisturising agents – good for greasy hair, fatal for curls.

 

  1. Condition. Being picky about conditioners isn’t as important as avoiding sulphates in shampoos, but as a rule step away from products with alcohol listed as a primary ingredient and those which contain a lot of ‘cones’ (chemicals including the word ‘silicone’ in their name). The fewer ingredients the better generally. I like this coconut-scented conditioner from small brand Curls. They cater specifically for mixed race hair types but their products are very gentle on the hair and so great for Caucasian curls too.

 

  1. Condition some more. To introduce even more moisture into your hair after washing, a light leave-in conditioner will do the trick without weighing curls down. I recommend Boots’ own-brand conditioners as they’re cheap and don’t contain too many chemicals. For an occasional more intensive treatment (once a week or fortnight depending on your hair’s thickness) a hair oil can be a quick and easy option, with a little oil going a long way. Moroccan Oil has been the brand on everyone’s lips but, although it does add shine, the formulation contains several ingredients best avoided by curly girls. Try pure argon oil (the active ingredient in Moroccan Oil products) instead. This is pure, natural and cheaper – what’s not to love? Another advantage of hair oils is that hair dries quicker when you’ve applied them – great when you’re waiting for hair to dry naturally and for limiting damage if/when you reintroduce heat.

 

  1. Styling your hair. In one of my many hours trawling through the internet reading about hair I came across one analogy that really struck me. The writer compared curly hair to a cashmere jumper. You wouldn’t dream of chucking a delicate knit in the spin cycle with some cheap detergent or being rough with it as you lay it out to dry. Curly hair demands the same careful treatment. Don’t brush it – detangle with a wide toothed comb while wet but then leave well alone. Never ever rub your hair with a towel. If you need to remove excess water squeeze and scrunch with a towel, or, better yet, an old cotton T-shirt since less friction = less frizz. I even sleep on a satin pillowcase to reduce the bed hair effect (trust me, it’s good for your complexion too). To style your hair post-shower simply part your hair the way you want it to dry. You can twist sections of hair to create the size of curls you prefer. When I want heavier ringlets – Victoriana chic, rather than Scary Spice – I use a curl defining gel. Generally though, the less touching the better. Style quickly, then leave to air dry.

 

  1. Bending the rules. You don’t have to be puritanical about you hair forever (but those who want to should check out Lorraine Massey’s book for heavy duty haircare, including DIY product recipes). My hair is now in such good condition that I am happy to bleach it monthly and blow dry it straight when I want to. Even the very occasional dose of sulphates isn’t detrimental, though I still wince when hairdressers lather me up with products I know are doing more harm than good. I’ve also discovered that using a tapered curling iron can be a godsend for touching up the upper layers of second or third day curly hair (technically the ‘canopy’), even if the high temperature isn’t ideal for hair health. The joy of this regime though is if I do see my hair’s condition deteriorating, I can cut out the heat styling immediately and give my hair some TLC.

 

  1. Extra tips. If you dye your hair, highlights are better for defining curls – a block colour will make your hair seem like a mass, rather than individual tresses. If your curls are loose enough to braid, side braids can be a good second/third day styling option (see my article on braiding here).

 

Finding the best beauty products and techniques is an evolving process, but this article has been years in the making. Everyone’s hair is different but following this advice may just work for you, saving you a lot of money and heartache in the process.

 

Review: On the Road

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n a cold and rainy day in Moscow with
five hours to kill I was driven to the cinema.
When my flick of choice Time Loop
turned out to be dubbed into Russian I settled
for the merely subtitled On The Road. I wasn’t
expecting much: the trailer was uninspiring
and I was worried about what funny colours
and weird angles could do to an already
‘trendy’ book.
But it was good. Both Sam Riley and Garrett
Hedlund nail it as the homoerotic blood brothers
Sal and Dean, with Tom Sturridge brilliant
as the most comically pretentious of the musketeers,
Carlos. Predictably K-Stew, Dean’s sixteen-
year-old wife Mary Lou, is nothing to write
home about. The only discernible difference
between Mary Lou and Bella Swan is that the
former’s hair is a few shades lighter – the face,
like a slapped arse, hangs tough. You
do slightly wonder where
she gets all her changes
of clothes, and urban outfitters
sunglasses,
whilst on a pretty
dirty roadtrip. In
contrast, Kirsten
Dunst manages
to make Camille,
Dean’s second wife,
the most engaging and
believable character. Excellent,
unexpected performances
come from
Viggo Mortensen and
Amy Adams as a drug-addled
couple the roadsters
spend a few days with.
The only things I have
seen Amy Adams in are Enchanted and Julie &
Julia so it was fun to see her all wild haired and
cracked out on benzedrine. Steve Buscemi is
also great – when isn’t he great? – as the pervy
driver who pays Dean for sex.
Whilst I often found the book too scatty
and grotesque to really love it, it film is easy
to watch and, aside from a severed toe here
and there, aesthetically pleasing. It’s nice that
they’ve coupled that with a roadtrip that’s not
excessively glamorised- they all look dirty,
have to steal their food and ‘gaaas’- and some
people just look great with smudges on their
face.
Die hard Kerouacers will probably have a
lot of negative things to say about the adaptation,
but for someone who finds the book more
than little tiring and self-conscious, the film is
a pleasant surprise. Sex, drugs and Sam Riley –
what more do you want?

On a cold and rainy day in Moscow with five hours to kill I was driven to the cinema. When my flick of choice, Time Loop, turned out to be dubbed into Russian I settled for the merely subtitled On The Road. I wasn’t expecting much: the trailer was uninspiring and I was worried about what funny colours and weird angles could do to an already ‘trendy’ book.

But it was good. Both Sam Riley and Garrett Hedlund nail it as the homoerotic blood brothers Sal and Dean, with Tom Sturridge brilliant as the most comically pretentious of the musketeers, Carlos. Predictably K-Stew, Dean’s sixteen-year-old wife Mary Lou, is nothing to write home about. The only discernible difference between Mary Lou and Bella Swan is that the former’s hair is a few shades lighter – the face, like a slapped arse, hangs tough. You do slightly wonder where she gets all her changes of clothes and Urban Outfitters sunglasses,whilst on a pretty dirty road trip.

In contrast, Kirsten Dunst manages to make Camille, Dean’s second wife, the most engaging and believable character. Excellent, unexpected performances come from Viggo Mortensen and Amy Adams as a drug-addled couple the roadsters spend a few days with.The only things I have seen Amy Adams in are Enchanted and Julie & Julia so it was fun to see her all wild haired and cracked out on benzedrine. Steve Buscemi is also great – when isn’t he great? – as the pervy driver who pays Dean for sex.

Whilst I often found the book too scatty and grotesque to really love it, the film is easy to watch and, aside from a severed toe here and there, aesthetically pleasing. It’s nice that they’ve coupled that with a roadtrip that’s not excessively glamourised – they all look dirty, have to steal their food and ‘gaaas’- and some people just look great with smudges on their face. Die hard Kerouacers will probably have a lot of negative things to say about the adaptation, but for someone who finds the book more than little tiring and self-conscious, the film is a pleasant surprise. Sex, drugs and Sam Riley -what more do you want?

Series Review: The Great British Bake-Off

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BBO’s curious appeal lies in its predictability.
As fans of the Bake Off (of whom
I am among the most fervent) all know,
the final three contestants always fit into
three categories:
(1) The clinically accurate and fiercely competitive
one (Brendan this year). This contestant
has been waiting their entire life for this
moment, and spent the six months prior to
the contest locked in their kitchen frantically
turning out batch after batch of macaroons.
They put on a friendly face for but you can tell
they’re dying to ram their sugar thermometer
down the other bakers’ throats. Their
cakes and pies, though technically flawless,
always seem to lack that je ne sais quoi
which marks out a real winner.
(2) The brilliant but erratic one (James).
This is usually a student or young
professional who filled out the entry
form as a bet when paralytically
drunk but turns out to be
brilliant. Rather than prepare
for each round they just throw
together as unlikely a combination
of ingredients as they can
think of, chuck the whole lot in
the oven, and then look gormlessly
surprised when Paul and Mary
fawn over their veal, passionfruit
and engine oil flavoured quiche.
Unlike (1) this contestant is hideously
unreliable and is usually the
one standing sheepishly behind
the table after the “technical challenge”
with a pool of curdled sick
where their Crème Caramel is supposed
to be.
(3) The clumsy one who comes through at
the end (John). This contestant goes unnoticed
for the first two-thirds of the competition;
indeed, the only reason anyone remembered
John was for the hilarious moment
where he managed to cut half his finger off
during pastry week and had to abandon his
blood-soaked strudel and go to hospital. But
as the contest progresses this contestant goes
on a ‘journey’ and ends up winning.
Sure enough, this week, Brendan’s hideously
cutesie heart-shaped monstrosity
was deemed good but not great by
the judges, James was having an off
day and baked five bulbous sponges
the texture of playdough, and John
sneakily carried off the prize with
his sinister Heaven vs Hell cake.
Despite its predictably, l
will miss sitting hungrily in
front of the TV on a Tuesday
night, watching Mary and
Paul’s good-cop/bad-cop
routine. I’ll even miss Mel
and Sue wandering round
the tent shovelling the
spare cupcakes into their
mouths, not to mention
the curious history lesson
that accompanies each episode,
where an aged ‘food historian’
(perhaps my dream job) takes
the viewer through the invention
of Eccles Cakes or Cornish
Pasties. I’m not looking forward
to the long and tortuous (or
torte-uous…) wait till next series.

GBBO‘s curious appeal lies in its predictability. As fans of the Bake Off (of whom I am among the most fervent) all know, the final three contestants always fit into three categories: (1) The clinically accurate and fiercely competitiveone (Brendan this year). This contestant has been waiting their entire life for this moment, and spent the six months prior to the contest locked in their kitchen frantically turning out batch after batch of macaroons.They put on a friendly face for but you can tell they’re dying to ram their sugar thermometer down the other bakers’ throats. Their cakes and pies, though technically flawless,always seem to lack that je ne sais quoi which marks out a real winner.

(2) The brilliant but erratic one (James).This is usually a student or young professional who filled out the entry form as a bet when paralytically drunk but turns out to be brilliant. Rather than prepare for each round they just throw together as unlikely a combination of ingredients as they can think of, chuck the whole lot in the oven, and then look gormlessly surprised when Paul and Mary fawn over their veal, passionfruit and engine oil flavoured quiche.Unlike (1) this contestant is hideously unreliable and is usually the one standing sheepishly behind the table after the “technical challenge”with a pool of curdled sick where their Crème Caramel is supposed to be.

(3) The clumsy one who comes through at the end (John). This contestant goes unnoticed for the first two-thirds of the competition; indeed, the only reason anyone remembered John was for the hilarious moment where he managed to cut half his finger off during pastry week and had to abandon his blood-soaked strudel and go to hospital. But as the contest progresses this contestant goes on a ‘journey’ and ends up winning. Sure enough, this week, Brendan’s hideously cutesie heart-shaped monstrosity was deemed good but not great by the judges, James was having an offday and baked five bulbous sponges the texture of playdough, and John sneakily carried off the prize with his sinister Heaven vs Hell cake.

Despite its predictability, l will miss sitting hungrily in front of the TV on a Tuesday night, watching Mary and Paul’s good-cop/bad-cop routine. I’ll even miss Mel and Sue wandering round the tent shovelling the spare cupcakes into their mouths, not to mention the curious history lesson that accompanies each episode, where an aged ‘food historian’ (perhaps my dream job) takes the viewer through the invention of Eccles Cakes or Cornish Pasties. I’m not looking forward to the long and tortuous (or torte-uous…) wait till next series.

What to watch this Autumn

0

If you’re feeling…

Jaded 

Skyfall

Bond is back and if you haven’t peed

yourself with excitement then there’s
something wrong with you. Daniel
Craig will return in order to face off
against Javier Bardem’s super villain.
Expect a sexy French femme fatale and
lots of men running around in neatly
tailored suits. Q is also returning in
the considerably sexier form of Ben
Whishaw (unless you had a thing for
John Cleese). If this isn’t the most fun
you have at the cinema this autumn,
I’ll eat a copy of The OxStu.
Girls
Lena Dunham’s groundbreaking sitcom
hits the UK this month and, if you
haven’t already illegally streamed it,
you’re in for a treat. Expect lots of conversations
on the loo and some mildly
paedophilic roleplaying. The series
peaks in the middle (especially when
you get the chance to see David Mamet’s
18-year-old daughter on crack) and the ending
is a tad disappointing, but, all things considered,
this is the best thing on TV this autumn
and you won’t regret watching it

 

Skyfall

Bond is back and if you haven’t peed yourself with excitement then there’s something wrong with you. Daniel Craig will return in order to face offagainst Javier Bardem’s super villain. Expect a sexy French femme fatale and lots of men running around in neatly tailored suits. Q is also returning in the considerably sexier form of Ben Whishaw (unless you had a thing for John Cleese). If this isn’t the most fun you have at the cinema this autumn, I’ll eat a copy of The OxStu.

Girls

Lena Dunham’s groundbreaking sitcom hits the UK this month and, if you haven’t already illegally streamed it, you’re in for a treat. Expect lots of conversations on the loo and some mildly paedophilic roleplaying. The series peaks in the middle (especially when you get the chance to see David Mamet’s18-year-old daughter on crack) and the ending is a tad disappointing, but, all things considered, this is the best thing on TV this autumn and you won’t regret watching it.

 

Serious

 

The Master

Paul Thomas Anderson’s follow-up to the classic There Will Be Blood sees Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a Ron Hubbardesque preacher who draws in Joaquin Phoenix’s impressionable and disturbed former soldier. This is going to be one of the big players in the awards season and you’ll seem incredibly culturally sophisticated if you try and seek out a cinema showing it in its preferred 70mm print. Make sure you’re in a mood where you’ll be tolerant to scientology parallels, otherwise you might find this exhausting.

Andrew Marr’s History of the World

Renowned broadcaster and philanderer Andrew Marr continues his epically self indulgent tour of world history which sees him standing on rocks, pontificating about global conflicts. If, for some reason, your degree isn’t boring enough, this should fill that void. And, if nothing else, it should help you realise that the documentaries section of iPlayer is probably not the place to spend your free time. 

 

Childish 

 

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

Yes, yes, we’re all far too old for these films, but with a Cannes première and pretty good reviews all round, this is probably the most socially acceptable cartoon you can watch this summer. Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, Jada Pinkett-Smith all return for another adventure where they take a whistle-stop tour through famous European landmarks. You’ll have to suspend your disbelief a little because, after all, these talking animals are definitely not from an EU member state.

Gossip Girl

There’s a new series of Gossip Girl, Upper Eastsiders, and we’re all secretly very, very excited about it. Rumour has it this will be the show’s last hurrah, so will the Blair/Chuck saga finally be solved? Will Serena stop being incredibly annoying now that she’s married to Ryan Reynolds? Will Dan finally have an interesting storyline? All this, and more, will be resolved over the next few weeks, so put your cynicism aside and get your Jimmy Choo’s on. XOXO. 

 

 

Stupid 

 

The Twilight Saga:Breaking Dawn Part Two

I am told that Part One of this book (so brilliant they had to cut it in two) was really gross, so who knows what sort of body horror will be in store for you in round two. At least we all know that this is the last time we’ll have to see this group of miserable, financially vampiric chunks of wood on the big screen and I think we’re all hoping that Robert Pattison and the wolf rip each other to pieces. The lines of screaming girls who’ll be at the cinema on opening night are inevitable.

Made in Chelsea

The Kensington set return for another season of irrelevant partner swapping and tedious conversations involving what happened on one of their insanely expensive holidays. If you want to watch an hour of over-privileged (and under-educated) twenty somethings jabbering on about the complexities of their vapid existences then you’ve probably got a copy of 50 Shades of Grey tucked away under your bed.