Tuesday 2nd September 2025
Blog Page 1717

Review: Rocket Juice & the Moon – Rocket Juice & the Moon

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Rocket Juice and the Moon is the eponymous debut from the latest in the long line of Damon Albarn’s side-projects. Initially formed in 2008, the project, consisting of core members Albarn (Blur, Gorillaz, etc.), Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Tony Allen (Fela Kuti), had been set aside whilst its various members got on with their day jobs. This lack of attention is perhaps the reason why Rocket Juice and the Moon sounds a bit undercooked.

The album draws on the African influences familiar to Allen’s past ventures and which featured on Albarn’s latest Gorillaz album, Plastic Beach, the driving force behind its songs coming in the form of afrobeat, funk baselines. The main problem with the album is that it feels like a side-project; one in which nobody really takes control. Albarn only sings on two of the twenty tracks comprising Rocket Juice and the Moon and, as such, the album lacks a definitive voice. There are many solid guest performances from the likes of Erykah Badu, Fatoumata Diawara and M.anifest but the result is a record which sounds more like a drop-in session for whoever may have been hanging around at the time.

The high points consist of songs like ‘High Shooter’, ‘Lolo’ and ‘Poison’ where melody and lyrical drive take over from the otherwise meandering instrumentation but these instances are too few and far between to give the album a consistent energy. This is an album perhaps best enjoyed in the live arena where the relaxed party atmosphere that fails to excite on record will be displayed to its best advantage. Sadly, for whatever reason, this hasn’t been achieved with the recorded version and what might have been a really interesting project has ended up sounding more like the Gorillaz tracks which didn’t quite come together for Plastic Beach.

TWO STARS

Review: Grimes – Visions

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Don’t be misled by the daunting cover of Visions by Montreal based Grimes, aka Claire Boucher. The 24 year old Canadian born musician and music video director is currently garnering international praise as she makes waves with her bewitching electropop/chillwave/witch house music repertoire.

Rather than a dark treacherous musical odyssey, Visions presents a surprisingly fresh and craftily textured revelation wrapped in surreal, edgy, space-like foam. 

The album brazenly kicks off with a short introductory track entitled ‘Infinite Love Without Fulfilment’. “I’ll leave you if you want to”, the insouciant lyrics taunt playfully, treating love in a detached, indifferent yet obedient manner. This is followed by ‘Genesis’, a tense polyphonic piece with rich instrumentation and crisp beats. The sound is refreshing: an interplay between arpeggio like flutes, tinkering electronic piano, synthesised sounds and a sweet concoction topped with a lightly thudding bass. In a similar vein, ‘Oblivion’ is built upon the application of hypnotic electronic loops that form the underlying languid platform of the song.

Stand out tracks include ‘Vowels = Space and Time’, ‘Be a Body’ and ‘Skin’. Again, the apt use of synthesisers on these tracks, coupled with catchy melodies, create soundscapes that are hallucinogenic, dreamy and unrefined. ‘Be a Body’ and ‘Skin’ follow the formula of offbeat chord patterns touched with piano riffs that insinuate mystery.

However, I cannot pin Grimes down. Often I would be fleetingly reminded of Ladyhawke and Prince, whilst some tracks are also reminiscent of Goldfrapp and Hot Chip in their pensive, wistful delivery and hypnotic, persistent beats.

The album ties the knot with ‘Know the Way’, perhaps the most calm—inducing song of the lot. It waves a tender goodbye to an exotic, beguiling infusion of electro, chillwave sounds. Grimes does not fall under the mainstream category but, if her Visions are anything to go by, then conversions to this exhilarating genre will undoubtedly follow suit. Boucher’s ethereal Visions need no correcting.

FOUR STARS

Review: OUJO at the Jericho Tavern

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On OUJO’s Facebook page, it states that their various accolades include ‘supporting headliners…[for] The Streets on the Oxford ball circuit’. After seeing them perform a wonderfully executed 90 minutes of driving big-band jazz to an adoring crowd, I can now reveal that they are categorically better than The Streets. Partly because I don’t imagine Mike Skinner’s silky-smooth vocals would go down well at Montreal Jazz Festival, the next stop for this razor-sharp orchestra in the summer.

While many big bands produce a mass of indeterminate horns drowning everything in their wake, OUJO are crisp, precise and brilliantly clear, trading off virtuoso solos and dense group harmonies with effortless ease. Whether swerving between the up-tempo swing-time of Buddy Rich’s ‘Big Swing Face’, or providing gentle washes of sound for a ballad, there is always a satisfying balance between the richly complex arrangements and the punchy accessibility of the melodies and rhythm section.

The orchestra were at their best when gradually building up layers of sound, giving individuals breathing space before swelling to a huge crescendo. One of the standout tracks was ‘Aha’, where a moody, sparse groove from bassist Richard Longdon and drummer Alex Blackwell, supplemented by the low growl of baritone sax from Magnus Rowbotham, built up by blocks of sound from alto, tenor, piano and trumpet to a complex, powerful conclusion worthy of David Axelrod. Equally good was a rousing rendition of Gordon Goodwin’s ‘Count Bubba’ – perfectly choreographed horn stabs and solo bars from all three brass lines keeping up a driving rhythm, rising to something euphoric enough to soundtrack winning the top prize on every single game show in the world simultaneously.

Highlights also included ‘Stella By Starlight’ and ‘Always and Forever’, two superbly understated and tender performances led by band president Michael Dunne. Dunne’s trumpet playing radiated professionalism, channelling as much into the perfectly judged spaces between the notes as the arrangements themselves, refusing to hog the limelight in favour of a quiet, subtle style that only enhanced a sense of passion, energy and intensity. Similarly, Francesca Aquilina’s vocals were wedded perfectly with the band’s subtler side – the performers knowingly altering volume and technique to foreground fantastic renditions of ‘At Last’ and ‘What a Difference a Day Makes’, amongst others. Though it’s traditional for a jazz chanteuse to make dweeby, misty-eyed audience members fall in love with them, by the end of her performance of ‘At Last’ I was considering asking her to elope to Tuscany.

Fantastic drumming from Blackwell throughout, and some very endearing compereing from stand-in host Rory Robinson (‘This one’s quite emotional. Well, I dunno, maybe not. See what you think’) got the crowd behind them for the duration of the show. The only thing that didn’t go in OUJO’s favour was the size of the stage, making sightlines difficult and cramming them next to each other with little elbow room, and an unfortunate anchoring of most of the venue’s seating a disorientating distance from the front. Hopefully, when they take to Montreal in the summer, they’ll have difficulty pushing crowds away.

4 STARS

Council rat Jamal’s out

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Jamal’s, the popular Indian restaurant and crew-dating venue, was closed by environmental health officers from Oxford City Council last Tuesday lunchtime.

The officers were called to inspect the establishment after a complaint from a neighbouring property about mice. The standards of sanitation the team found led them to order the restaurant to close its doors to customers at 6.40 pm under regulation eight of the food hygiene regulations 2006.

Jamal’s then reopened at 6pm the following day after being issued with a certificate confirming that the problem no longer existed.

Richard Kuziara, Environmental Health Officer at Oxford City Council, told Cherwell, “We closed the premises because we found conditions that presented a serious risk to customers.”

“The owner was cooperative and carried out the necessary improvements and it has now been allowed to reopen.”

He added that the council will be keeping an eye on Jamal’s and will visit the restaurant regularly “to ensure that the owners can demonstrate that food safety risks are adequately controlled.”

Following the inspection, Jamal’s Food Hygiene Rating is now 0 which means it is classed as needing “Urgent Improvement”.

On its website, the restaurant describes its Indian cuisine as “an adventure”, claiming that it offers “the most fascinating and superbly flavoured dishes of the east”.

However, some students were less forthcoming in their praise for Jamal’s. Exeter student Christopher Pyrah said he wasn’t shocked by the news, adding, “I don’t think I’ll go there again if I’m honest.”

Samuel Diana, a first year Chemist, reacted similarly. He commented, “I guess I’m not particularly surprised as it was quite a dingy place from what I remember, though I was quite drunk at the time.”

Others had a different take on the closure, with one second year Philosophy and Theology student explaining, “I’m not surprised Jamal’s had rodents, in fact they’re probably an improvement on the place’s usual clientèle. Now they’re gone I really hope the atmosphere and tone of the place doesn’t suffer.”

When contacted by Cherwell, Jamal’s maintained that, despite the incident, it remained “the best restaurant in Oxford” and insisted that “students love Jamal’s”.

The restaurant also claimed that complaints were rare, stating that students “never complain about food or cleanliness”, arguing that it provides “good food” that is “good quality”.

Many students said that the restaurant was an integral part of the life of the University. Organ scholar James D’Costa, though noting that he was unlikely to return soon, described Jamal’s as “an Oxford institution”.

A first year English student agreed, and said that he believed that the incident would do little harm to the restaurant in the long run. He added, “It will take a bit more than a few dead rats to dent its immortal reputation.”

Pretty in pink

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Spring has most definitely sprung, and this year it is unashamedly feminine, dealing in pastels and brights (anything but the dark greys and black of winter) and pink is very much back in the frame.

Forget feminism, fashion’s message this season is to embrace your femininity and all that it is to be a girl. Whether you opt for a bright punchy fuchsia, a tempered pastel, or a 60s candy pink you’ll be hitting the mark. But remember that this pink is classy and elegant- no wannabe Barbies in velour tracksuits here please.

The vibe harks back to the sweet innocence of youth with floral patterns (an easy way to get your pink fix), rose pink ankle socks and T-bar Mary Jane-style shoes (see Topshop’s latest) à la your first day at school, and the continuing obsession with peter pan collars which can be found in some fresh feminine shades at nauticoco.com .

Yet along with this sugary sweetness there should be a sense of the grown-up. Try to keep the pink under control, for example, choose a subtle pale pink blouse rather than the safe white or cream, and pair with other colours in your outfit, or just channel your girly-ness through your make-up – cerise lips, rosy cheeks, or candy pink nails. Also be aware of your textures- keep it light and fresh with cotton blouses, skirts and little socks, sheer fabrics for something a little more daring, and even wools with some nice knitwear for those cooler days during the April showers.

One very important consideration is skin tone. For the paler among us (me included) the pastel pink shades are pure heaven for our skin, and I would warn against going too bright so as to avoid drowning your natural glow. Those blessed with a stronger complexion are lucky enough to be able to pull off subtle shades, but look equally good when they turn up the volume to more striking fuchsias.

For those who are firmly averse to pink, other colours in sorbet and pastel tones can create a very similar feel, think egg shell and peppermint blues, pistachio greens, and fresh lemon yellows. In fact these, teamed with pink, can create a brilliant patchwork of clashing colours (another big trend this season).

This season is playful and light-hearted, and whether you want to be ‘ironic’ about your pink injection, or you embrace the shade wholeheartedly like a long lost friend, what girl could resist the lure of the perfect feminine shade?

A Shark’s Tale

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Bill Heine orders ‘just a little, just a taste’ of the South African house white as we sit down by the stove in the conservatory of the Rickety Press in Jericho. There’s an atmosphere of studied gentility in the pub, as patrons sip their drinks besides walls, shelves and window ledges piled high with books. My guest fits the place like a good book in a well-fitted dust jacket.  

I open with a couple of questions about the origins of the much beloved Headington Shark and can’t keep a note of laughter out of my voice when I ask what his thought process was.  He is evidently used to this question and sits back to ruminate, observing that he still hasn’t come up with a  tried and tested ‘patter’ to help him out in these situations and worries that his answer might descend into ‘chaos’.

But Heine’s story is anything but chaos as he spins a tale which ranges from the 1986 bombing of Tripoli as he lay awake listening to the aircraft flying from their air base above Oxford on his first night in his new home; to evening drinks, perched on a wall, with the artist John Buckley, discussing how to make his house look ‘interesting’; and finally to the installation of the shark on the 15th August, 1986, the forty-first anniversary of the bombing of Nagasaki. Clearly the theme is destruction, and a certain ‘shock value’: the invasion of something forceful into a place that one feels is as ‘safe as houses’.

I ask Heine whether he thinks that art’s ability to shock is a pre-requisite of great contemporary art. ‘I wonder if I would say shocking,’ he begins. ‘I think most of the important art does have this quality. It jolts people; it shakes them up and it asks new questions. That’s the area I’m interested in: the asking of new questions so that people will settle down again.’

I wonder whether Heine can identify a particular work of art which he experienced in this way. ‘It’s interesting,’ he muses, ‘in the sense that it’s not really a piece of art, but I consider it to be. I used to live in Peru and I lived in a place called Cuzco in the Andes. It was the centre of the Inca Empire and there was a lot of poverty. There were people who were pretty close to the breadline and they wore clothes that were very shredded and old, and sandals, in this harsh terrain. But I remember seeing this one man in particular and he was a campesino – he worked in the fields for a subsistence living – and he was wearing a poncho that he wove himself. This poncho was ablaze with the most intricate weaving of reds and the images were from his life: the birds; the condors, and the alpacas. He was standing there, stooped over a little, and he didn’t have a bean. But he had dignity. And he was just simply covered in something that he had made which was resplendent. So I think that’s my work of art.’

Heine believes art should always be publically available; he explains that his shark was a form of homage to the public spirit of art. In crash-landing the shark ‘way out in lace-curtain land’ Heine avers that he took art out of a certain ‘elitist’ area of Oxford ‘as a kind of gift’ to everybody. The shark can be seen by anyone who takes a trip out to Headington; it can even be seen on the main road going out of Oxford. And, after all, it is the public who saved the shark. After years of debate, raging through the council and even the law courts of Oxford, the question of the shark’s fate ended up at Westminster where a public inquiry was held, requesting the opinions of local residents. No matter that the shark hadn’t had planning permission, no matter that the shark was an ‘eye-sore’ (according to certain members of the council); the residents of Oxford loved it. Heine tells me with a satisfaction still alive after twenty years that his lawyer told him that 95% of those asked wanted to keep the shark.

So that was that. The Headington shark passed its twenty-fifth birthday in 2011, and Heine hopes that it will last another twenty five more. Structurally, the shark is ‘stronger than it’s ever been’ as Heine confesses that he spent £250,000 re-figuring how the shark and the house meet. He admits that now the shark and the house do not technically converge, as the shark now crash lands into a ‘steel structure’ hidden inside the roof, but ‘it looks the same’ and that’s what is most important.

Muamba – a ‘reminder’ that sport doesn’t really matter?

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Aside from everything else that Twitter has brought to the world of sport through its instantaneous insights into the inner thoughts of our nation’s sporting ‘heroes’ (Joey Barton springs to mind), nowhere is the recent outpouring of well-wishing and togetherness following the collapse of Bolton midfielder Fabrice Muamba more clearly demonstrated. Footballers, perennially criticized for their well-publicized misdemeanors, seem to have pulled together in reaction to a tragedy that has befallen one of their own.

However, a worrying trend can be detected in claims that the tragedy on Sunday ‘puts things into perspective’ and that ‘some things are more important than football’. Well, obviously. Bill Shankly claimed that football was more important than a ‘matter of life and death’, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t.  It is 22 men running around on a field, irrespective of the high of a last minute winner enjoyed with your closest friends or thousands of fans, or the lows. Football fans of this generation can recall with ease England’s heartbreaking exit from every tournament since they were a toddler, and remember with a shudder the time they cried when Bolo Zenden’s penalty robbed their beloved Bolton Wanderers of Carling Cup glory in 2004 (oh, just me then). For everything that football offers as the nation’s game, however sewn it is into the fabric of the nation, and the happiness, or indeed, pain, it causes millions, it is ludicrous to suggest that football’s importance is such that it takes an unsavoury incident to jolt us into seeing that football isn’t actually that important after all.

Muamba’s father was granted asylum in Britain as his life would have been endangered by a return to Zaire (now the Democratic Republic of the Congo) and his uncle was murdered. Fabrice arrived in England aged 11 unable to speak English, yet gained GCSEs, A-levels, a professional contract with Arsenal, and captained England at Under-21 level. Social mobility indeed. Fabrice Muamba’s story is both highly impressive and tragic – that someone that has achieved so much to get where he is today could be cut down. But I can’t help but think that the important point is where Muamba came from, not where he has got to. For millions, football represents an escape from the harsh realities of everyday life, and for very few, offers an opportunity to escape war-torn and failed states to ply their trade in the European leagues. Moreover, I am pretty sure that recent scandals about footballers’ private lives, never mind the Champions League, receive much more airtime and enjoy a higher priority in most people’s minds than the humanitarian crises and violence that plague the homelands of African players that make it to the Premier League.

How anyone can think that football is more important than this is beyond me, and so if this awful incident is to have any positive repercussions (aside from more stringent health regulations for footballers to reduce the chances of a repeat), it must be in the recognition that football is a past-time, a hobby, a passion, for some an occupation, and others still a business, but in the grand scheme of things something that isn’t that important.

That said, who is ever going to forget the feeling of that wonder-goal from outside the box against Harris Manchester on a desolate sports ground somewhere in Oxford hungover from the Bridge the previous night? Life doesn’t provide us with these moments, sport does. The penalty shoot-out heartbreak, the sense of camaraderie, and the blind overwhelming joy at a last-minute winner. Sport will always be important for those of us who love it, but we should never lose sight of its proper place. No matter how much we love the game, it is trivial.

For those that might interpret this as a bit of an attack on sport, that is not the case. A man who still regards defeat in the finals of the under 15 and under 16 Lancashire Cup as traumatic experiences from which recovery is still an ongoing, indefinite process is in no position to preach about the insignificance and futility of sport. Rather the point is that the idea that the Muamba tragedy somehow serves to reminds us what is important about life is absurd. Irrespective of this incident, and irrespective of how much we love football, it is just a game, and as such is removed from the vagaries of life. Perhaps this is a reason behind its popularity – no matter what is going on at school, at home or at work, the beautiful game and your team is always there to provide a sense of grounding and stability. Although it might feel to some people that football (or any other sport) is the most important thing in the world, it isn’t. Someone please remind me of this come Euro 2012 or when trying to balance getting a degree with the quest for JCR (Reserves) Premier Division glory.

Worcester best St Anne’s in 7th week scrap

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On Friday of Seventh Week, a Blue-studded Worcester eleven overcame underdogs St Anne’s in this year’s Cuppers final. The match itself was a bit of a damp squib. Despite the evident quality in both sides the passes did not flow, and the game was rather characterised by aerial challenges and big tackles, fittingly decided by one of the most delightful shin-rollers Iffley Road has ever seen.

It was a shame that the game did not live up to the occasion. Anne’s, not used to such a stage, were out in force and in fine vocal fettle, belittling the normally vociferous Worcester fans by almost two-to-one. Conducted by a huge novelty beaver the Anne’s crowd belted out anthem after anthem, providing a cracking atmosphere for what transpired to be a dour game.
For the majority of the game it was difficult to see which team had strolled to the final and resided in the top echelon of college football and which had battled to Iffley Road on penalties, and were playing in the gloomy depths of the JCR Third tier. Worcester were fielding nine players that had represented the university, yet they were unable to string a series of passes together as Anne’s harried and harassed them in midfield. The first half was a non-event and at the break the score was unchanged, with neither side looking dangerous other than at the odd set piece.
So this continued until the hour mark. Anne’s defence, marshalled by Blue Rob Price, held defiantly firm, until one of Healey’s long throws finally made the difference. Tom Phelan found himself in a yard of space and shinned a half-cleared ball past the despairing Gardner. It was not a goal befitting of a cup final, but certainly summed up the quality of football on display, and sent the Worcester fans into raptures. It was also a personal triumph for Phelan, who had been on the receiving end of some of the more offensive chanting from the Mint Green Army.
The goal seemed to come too late for Anne’s who were unable to form any sort of response. In truth Worcester’s defence never looked uncomfortable throughout the final exchanges, and after a series of corners and long balls, the whistle went. Worcester had triumphed for the second year running, and the legions of Anne’s fans were momentarily silenced. 
As the trophy was presented the M.G.A. were left wondering what could have been were it not for the width of a shinpad, and Worcester were dreaming of a third successive triumph next year. It seems that they are already the team to beat for next year’s competition. 

It was a shame that the game did not live up to the occasion. Anne’s, not used to such a stage, were out in force and in fine vocal fettle, belittling the normally vociferous Worcester fans by almost two-to-one. Conducted by a huge novelty beaver the Anne’s crowd belted out anthem after anthem, providing a cracking atmosphere for what transpired to be a dour game.

For the majority of the game it was difficult to see which team had strolled to the final and resided in the top echelon of college football and which had battled to Iffley Road on penalties, and were playing in the gloomy depths of the JCR Third tier. Worcester were fielding nine players that had represented the university, yet they were unable to string a series of passes together as Anne’s harried and harassed them in midfield. The first half was a non-event and at the break the score was unchanged, with neither side looking dangerous other than at the odd set piece.

So this continued until the hour mark. Anne’s defence, marshalled by Blue Rob Price, held defiantly firm, until one of Healey’s long throws finally made the difference. Tom Phelan found himself in a yard of space and shinned a half-cleared ball past the despairing Gardner. It was not a goal befitting of a cup final, but certainly summed up the quality of football on display, and sent the Worcester fans into raptures. It was also a personal triumph for Phelan, who had been on the receiving end of some of the more offensive chanting from the Mint Green Army.

The goal seemed to come too late for Anne’s who were unable to form any sort of response. In truth Worcester’s defence never looked uncomfortable throughout the final exchanges, and after a series of corners and long balls, the whistle went. Worcester had triumphed for the second year running, and the legions of Anne’s fans were momentarily silenced. 

As the trophy was presented the M.G.A. were left wondering what could have been were it not for the width of a shinpad, and Worcester were dreaming of a third successive triumph next year. It seems that they are already the team to beat for next year’s competition. 

What the Folk?

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Harbouring a penchant for socks and sandals? Partial to the odd tankard of home brewed ale?

If so, it’s time to dust off that Morris dancing outfit and whack out the accordion (don’t pretend you don’t have both) ahead of the return of the Oxford Folk Weekend on 20th-22nd April 2012. Taking place at the newly refurbished Old Fire Station in addition to various venues across Oxford, the three day festival promises to be a colourful riot of ceilidhs, craft fairs and folk infused concerts.

With organisers eager to cast off the perception of folk music as the reserve of fusty, grey-haired, ale-swilling eccentrics, headlining the Sunday will be Mawkin, the (comparatively) youthful three-times-BBC Folk Award nominated five-piece following in the footsteps of Seth Lakeman and Dry the River et al. Describing themselves as ‘folk rebels’, (N.B Cherwell can find nothing more dissident than a lack of beards) Mawkin look set to liven up the traditional folk canon and reinvigorate Oxford’s underground folk music scene.

Performing alongside Mawkin will be artists including Ian Giles, Telling the Bees, Emily Spiers and the Tunesmiths and Jamie Huddlestone. Oxford’s self-proclaimed ‘glam-folk legend’ James Bell will also be taking to the stage on the Saturday, no doubt providing blessed relief for those bemoaning Oxford’s current spate of glam-folk legends. Still, while it’s easy to poke fun at the idiosyncrasy of folk festivals, their influence on today’s music industry is unarguable. With the meteoric rise of neo-folk artists such as Mumford and Sons and Laura Marling, arguably folk music is instrumental in tapping into a wider rejection of the commercialism of mainstream music. At a grassroots level, this has seen a resurgence in local community-led festivals across Britain, spearheaded by the ever- popular Cambridge Folk Festival, celebrating traditional folk music at its most basic and intrinsic level.

So best forget the looming essay crisis, start cultivating that facial hair (applies to both sexes) and prepare to embrace the unbridled folk revelry that the Folk Weekend Oxford 2012 promises. Clog dancing optional.

http://www.folkweekendoxford.co.uk/

Working 9(th week) to 5?

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Eighth week is always a mild trauma for any Oxbridge student. It’s a given fact. The average student experiences an involuntary devolution from sophisticated achiever, and general man-about-town, into a grunting, sulky Neanderthal. We’re tired, we’re hungry, our brain power is running solely on the embittered dregs of whatever hasn’t been argued out of it, and, perhaps worst of all, our bank balance is tiptoeing dangerously closer to the overdraft limit.

It’s a scary state to be in. So we do what any other reasonable student would do in the circumstances. We take the last week to bankrupt ourselves. Any remaining gold is spent on consecutive nights out, on our post-Park End kebab, and on that final rush around the city centre, justifying any expensive buy with the excuse that, quite frankly, we deserve it. 

What now though? We’ve returned to our places of origin having committed fiscal self-destruction.  Our next student loan won’t be flattering our bank balances for at least another month, and our bartering skills simply aren’t finely tuned enough for us to haggle our way around life.

There’s only one option: it’s time to get a job.  It’s time to gingerly venture outside the gooey bubble of Oxford, and enter into what the next generation calls ‘the real world.’ Here at Cherwell we’ve explored some of the alternative ways in which you can earn some extra dollar, without the need to grovel at your parents’ feet. Trust us, your bank balance will thank you for it.

Working at a cafe/bar

Difficulty: medium — impossible (subject to boss)

You’ve heard your parents and/or overbearing friends railing at you to go and hand out CVs to miscellaneous eateries in the local area, in the hopes of a) providing a reason for the lack of revision occurring or b) for parents, stemming the fairly continual flow of requests for money, since student loans really aren’t meant to cover vacations, right?

Probably the best thing to do here if you want to get started quickly is to look for the small businesses: large chains tend to have a much more tedious application process whereas popping into your local cafe might land you an immediate interview with the owner.

One irritating thing that is a common turn-off for this kind of thing is the inevitable question: “…but do you have any experience?” Honest response: “Clearly not. As you probably guessed from your appraisal of me as I walked in the door, the most experience I’ve had of making cocktails is mixing vodka, coke and that thing that‘s been in the cupboard for ages in an empty plastic bottle, pre-Wahoo.” Although not an advisable opening statement, don’t worry — this (or some variation) is true for probably 80% of hopefuls applying for this kind of position. Just don’t say it.

Expect patronising instruction from a vaguely senior barista or the like who is probably revelling in his or her authority. Also prepare for the handful of embarrassing moments of ineptitude in front of customers, usually involving dropping/damaging something (or someone) important. Expect sluggish business at the beginnings and ends of days that make you wonder why you’re up this early or why the b****h in the corner won’t leave so you can close up.

Benefits: being able to answer smugly to any future potential employee who demands “experience”, the all-important tips earned from either grateful customers or simply predatory regulars, and of course, the heart-warming experience of working with and for your fellow human beings. Or possibly not. Either way you’re going to need to be able to run around, make coffee, and apologise for other people’s mistakes tirelessly.

Hospitality Agency

Difficulty: Medium

Working for a hospitality agency, also known in its less pretentious form as events company, usually involves embracing the role of esteemed waiter or ‘catering assistant’ for temporary events across the country. Type ‘hospitality agency’ into our good friend Google and thousands of potential agencies will be a few clicks and a CV away from joining. You’ll be raking in the hard earned cash in no time. Once signed up to the gig, you’ll be put on the glorified mailing list, which basically means you’ll get a email every so often asking whether you can or cannot make the dates for some swag do. Easy peasy, and with no commitment necessary, some say it’s the ideal student job.

Despite the initial easiness of landing the gig (many employers don’t even ask for the dreaded previous experience), don’t be fooled into thinking this is a trade for the faint hearted. It’s not. Entire days can be wasted making copious cups of obscure herbal tea for guests who openly refer to you as “the help” or opening packet after packet of Jacob’s Cream Crackers (since certain guests — normally in certain income brackets – seem to have lost the ability to complete such manual labour themselves.)

To be successful at this job you need what the agencies call a “can do” attitude, and what everyone else calls the ability to pretend your having the best time of your life, when you’re not. Sorry. To succeed, then? Speaking from personal experience, never, ever cross the chef. Ever. Obey the chef and you’ll have a good time. Obey him even when he starts calling you unfortunate patronising nicknames, ‘Goldilocks,’ ‘Blondie’ and ‘Clutzo’ being my personal favourites. Despite the physical effort, working at an events company is fun, it’s sociable, it’s mad. You get to work at places a mere student would probably never set foot in otherwise. Think Henley Regatta, Silverstone, the Olympics. Oh, and the tips are pretty good too. 

Babysitting

Difficulty: Easy

Whether you love sweet little children or secretly detest them for their stickiness and runny noses, it might be worth giving babysitting a go (if you haven’t already joined the legions of teenagers who hired their services out during school years). Get your parents to ask around and see who needs to escape from their precious tots for an evening, or befriend neighbourhood families with little kids. Soon enough you should find someone who needs you.

Babysitting can be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Most of the time, you can put a compliant child to bed quite easily and look forward to an evening of watching TV, vegging out on the sofa and eating someone else’s food.  

However, any frequent babysitter can probably also regale you with horror stories. An easy job can turn tricky in an instant, and seemingly sweet children can suddenly switch. Take, for instance, the one who screamed non-stop the moment I left the room, and kept “pooping” her nappy. Or the 5 year old who kept stripping off, smothering himself in his mother’s mango body-butter, biting pillows and firing me with foam bullets. (Surprisingly enough, when I complained that my dinner was getting cold he said “oh, sorry” and went straight to bed: success!)

If it works out and you get a quiet or charming kid, you’ve got the perfect job; if it all goes horribly wrong, babysitting can at least remind you of the importance of contraception. Either way, you walk away with money in your pocket. 

Online: Surveys and Ebay

Difficulty: Easy-hard (method dependant)

Search “make money online” in any search engine, and you’ll be instantly bombarded by some of the dodgiest scams the World Wide Web has to offer. You’ll find results claiming you can make up to £500 a day by writing one or two dismissive emails, or possibly even scarier, sites that assert you can become prosperous by embarking on your very own online gambling career. Wow. But if you, clever people, filter out these scams (i.e. any quick fixes that appear too good to be true), there are some pretty easy, albeit time consuming, ways you can pocket some extra cash.

Picture the scene: you’re home alone, you have no money to buy petrol/pay for bus fare; there is little you can do except eat, sleep, and get cabin fever. You know you should probably be revising, but the pull of the internet is too great. What you need is to take some online surveys. Put your favourite American sitcom on in the background and you’ve got yourself a (strained) good time, whilst steadily regaining a positive bank balance. Market research companies are paid by other companies to gather feedback and opinions from the consumer, done by conducting online surveys. This is where you come in. You offer your highly valuable and cherished opinions and voila, cash. Be warned however, this method is highly time consuming, and you’ll probably be onto Season 3 of your favourite sitcom before you’ve made any noticeable pocket. Try sites such as ‘Survey Spot’ or ‘Toluna’ to get started.

Another, more satisfying way to use the internet for your devilish money making schemes is, undoubtedly, Ebay. As the website so charmingly puts it, “millions of people make money on Ebay every day,” and here at the Cherwell we want you to be one of them. Speaking to regular Ebay seller, Bithia Large, making money on this online marketplace is “just a case of rifling through your wardrobe and finding the odd gem that you are now too fat for/find repulsive, but will be somebody else’s dream item.” And it’s so easy to do. Sign up for your (free!) account, put your stock of unwanted personal items up for sale at either a fixed price, or up for action, and sit back. The only physical effort you have to endure is the walk to the post-office to say “Bye Bye” unwanted item, and “Hello” to a whole new, ‘richer’ you.Â