Friday, April 25, 2025
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‘Imperial Bedrooms’ by Bret Easton Ellis

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It starts so well. ‘They had made a movie about us’. The passivity, the casual glamour, the vague and menacing distrust, the clipped, blank tone: all these are instantly familiar from Bret Easton Ellis’ stunning debut ‘Less Than Zero’. It’s a shame, then, that this sequel, written and staged 25 years after the original, soon falls flat.

Before ‘American Psycho’ established Ellis as a best-seller and agent provocateur in chief, he had made his name with ‘Less Than Zero’, rightly praised as ‘the Catcher in the Rye of the MTV generation’. He shocked readers with his portrayal of the hollowness at the heart of a society in thrall to the superficial. The novel’s narrator, a student called Clay, returns home to Los Angeles for Christmas and gradually finds himself caught up again in a world of dead-eyed privilege, populated by teenagers who, with nothing much to gain or to lose, cruise from event to event searching indiscriminately for drugs or sex. A lethal ennui suffocates the city; little is said, done, or felt.

The pattern repeats itself in ‘Imperial Bedrooms’. Clay, now a successful screenwriter, has flown into Los Angeles from New York to help cast his latest film. Familiar faces dot the party circuit. The descent begins once more. ‘Less Than Zero’ felt like a roving documentary – or, in fact, more like a reality TV show, a chilling forerunner of The Hills (which Clay does actually watch 25 years later). Ellis makes a more concerted effort to shape the narrative of the sequel. As an epigraph from Raymond Chandler hints, the plot is ostensibly a thriller. Early on Clay describes the brutal murder of his friend Julian – a murder Clay is somehow implicated in. The novel loosely sets out to reveal who killed Julian, and why. The reader is soon conscious, however, that an atmosphere of noir paranoia is one of the few devices capable of giving the narrator’s life any sense of direction or linearity. The detail is negligible. In ‘Less Than Zero’ this didn’t matter: the blurred void at the centre of Clay’s life was precisely the point. Here, however, the story struggles under the conceit. It never repays the attention required, as the most satisfying thrillers do.

Fans of Ellis – myself included – might say that the notoriously subversive author is playing with the expectations of genre: the pornographic emptiness of modern life offers no real climax. In truth, it reads more like laziness. The tension of the novel surrounds Rain Turner, an aspiring actress who is sleeping with Clay in the hope of a role in his film. It turns out Rain has been sleeping with almost everyone, and some of Clay’s friends, people who have never encountered a limit in their lives, have taken drastic action. There is manipulation in Hollywood, and privilege can create a vicious narcissism. No reader should be particularly surprised. It’s a far less interesting premise than the listless anomie and casual amorality which made ‘Less Than Zero’ such a powerful assault on convention. In ‘Imperial Bedrooms’ people seek favours from those in power, who in turn abuse their status. If anything, this world is simpler and more obviously codified than that inhabited by the teenagers of ‘Less Than Zero’.

Bret Easton Ellis has shot himself in the foot. If these themes seem tired, it is because he has spent his career telling this story so well. This sequel can’t help, then, but feel gratuitous. ‘Less Than Zero’ needed to be written; Imperial Bedrooms has none of that urgency. We understand the corrosive effects of a society based on manufactured beauty, fame, and wealth. In this novel, Ellis does little more than repeat the point.

That’s not to say ‘Imperial Bedrooms’ is a bad book. It falls well below the author’s high standards but it remains enjoyable. His distinctive minimalist style is still compelling. Clay’s voice is both sinister and naive, a numb tone which infiltrates the reader’s thoughts. At his most incisive few can match Ellis’ ability to skewer modern life. 25 years later, communication is no less stilted or unproductive. Iphones have not changed the fact that the characters are fundamentally egocentric. Text messaging is just another way to stalk, baulk, or simply misread others. The way Clay’s thought is permeated by the language of cinema is another flash of inspiration. Views pan out, people act roles, scenes fade and dissolve. This is not so much the habit of a professional screenwriter as the conditioning of saturation media. There is always a cold distance between act and observation. Perhaps this is why Clay can describe Julian’s murder in such clinical detail, quoting newspaper reports and describing how his Tom Ford suit made the corpse look like a flag. Ellis also has a wonderful eye for description. A brilliantly surreal passage describes the nightmarish face-lift of Clay’s dealer, Rip. In his tranquillised present tense Clay concludes, ‘It’s almost defiantly grotesque’.

The same could well be said for this novel. Bret Easton Ellis appears, for once, to be trying too hard. In an offering to the cult of American Psycho several scenes of degradation attempt to hammer the author’s moral home, but the latent violence of ‘Less Than Zero’, coursing below the surface, was far more effective. The book is stagnant and self-indulgent, revisiting previous characters but adding nothing of value. It is a literary facelift, altering the appearance but not the content. The author has spent his career puncturing the myth of a society obsessed by surfaces, but here he seems to have been consumed by it. This is by-the-numbers Bret Easton Ellis.

What happened to the Premier League in South Africa?

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One of the striking features of the 2010 world cup was the failure of almost every player who plies their trade in the Premier League to make a mark on the competition. Perhaps the reason for such a poor showing in the first ever winter world cup was the fact that Premier League players do not get a winter break during the domestic season like in the other continental leagues. A more likely explanation however would be that we overestimate the quality of the league and can’t appreciate that the quality of players on show in England is not what it was.

It does seem remarkable that of the supposed vast array of talents provided by the Premier League only one player managed more than one goal in South Africa (Carlos Tevez – who only got 2). Every member of the England squad came from a Premier League club and clearly did not perform collectively or individually. Patrice Evra and Nicholas Anelka’s showings both on and off the pitch were instrumental in the disastrous French campaign. Didier Drogba, Africa’s great hope, was nowhere near as good a player for the Ivory Coast as he is for Chelsea (although he arguably wasn’t fully fit). Even the two finalists can not be said to have progressed on the back of the performances from their Premier League stars. The Netherlands’ Robin Van Persie and Dirk Kuyt were dependable but not spectacular. Spain’s Fernando Torres was severely out of form, and Cesc Fabregas – undoubtedly one of the best players in the Premier League – couldn’t even break into the Spanish team (although both did play a part in the goal which won the tournament).

Respected football men such as Arsene Wenger, Roberto Mancini and Fabio Capello have all suggested that a winter break would prevent injuries and improve Premier League player’s performances in major tournaments. Perhaps the lack of a break is a problem – although it doesn’t seem to have had much of an impact in previous tournaments. More likely is that we have an inflated idea of the quality of the Premier League. Sky Sports constantly ram down our throats that our’s is ‘the best league in the world’, but no Premier League team made it past the quarter final stage of the Champions League last season. It may be the case that while other leagues have moved on and developed their young players, the Premier League is too reliant on aging stars and is dropping off the cutting edge of international football. Perhaps, unless changes are made, the anomaly of poor performances from Premier League stars could become a trend.

Cherwell’s fresher glossary: part two

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Oxford slang can be confusing at first, and may seem at times to venture into the realms of Clockwork Orange – you’ll check your ‘pidge’ in the ‘plodge’, and will sign ‘up’ and ‘down’ at the start and end of term.

So here’s the second part of Cherwell’s invaluable guide to the ins and outs of the unique Oxford dialect – this time from H all the way through to P.

Hilary

This is Oxford’s middle term and is generally stress-free. No worries about starting a new year, no exams. Oh, unless you do Classics or Psychology- BUM OUT. Everyone else- have a ball. And remember to visit your less fortunate friends in the library.

Hall

Often the home of suspicious food and chat. Hall is the opportunity to eat anything and talk to anyone, which can be delightful or disastrous. Awkward conversation accompanied by lentils is never a winner. But hall can be great- curry nights, burgers- and all for a fairly decent price. And formal hall is a real Oxford classic; get your gowns on for three courses at very competitive pricing. Always a good pre-lash, and with guest tickets available you can get your out-of-college friends over, or head over to their necks of the wood. Heads up: Trinity’s food is considered the icing on the proverbial cake, so get a friend to invite you along.

Initiations

The messier the better, is clearly the mantra of many sports teams and drinking societies in this department. Basically a chance to humiliate new arrivals with a series of ridiculous tasks and games. In boys’ societies this usually ends up with huge amounts of vom or passing out, or both, and with girls it probably will culminate in a game of ‘I have never’- OMG, so hardcore.

Jericho

One of the most expensive areas in Oxford, Jericho offers some pretty fancy student accommodation and thus has gained its reputation as the posh side of town. It boasts some great and more unusual restaurants than your average Pizza Express, such as Branca or Pierre Victoire, so give those a go if you’re feeling flashy. For a more sophisticated pre-lash there’s Raouls, a classy cocktail bar, and a great venue for a drinks party or get-together.

JCR

Standing for Junior Common Room, the JCR is a place where all under-grads can hang out. Usually containing comfy sofas, TVs, video consoles and pool tables, it draws in many a visitor, so if you’re stuck in Freshers’ week, I’d say heading there is a safe bet to find people. The JCR also has a committee- a student body that is elected by the students of the college to act on their behalf. Hustings (the occasion when candidates makes their speeches and take questions) are always amusing so don’t miss them- with questions ranging from the banal to the ridiculous, “Can you give an interpretative dance on why we should pick you?”, it’s like the X-factor gone wrong.

Jamals

Scene of many a crew date crime, Jamals is an Indian restaurant in Jericho and the obvious location for 20 or so lairy boys and girls to get ‘lashed’. Curry and a ‘bring your own’ alcohol policy make a heady combination, and many have been known to leave a little worse for wear (passed out/ paralytic/ chunder-covered) from this most respectable establishment.

Jagerbombs

If you’re buying a round in Oxford, a constant crowd pleaser is the Jagerbomb. Much tastier than a shot, but easier to down than a whole drink- you can be sure to return to the dance floor in seconds. And boys can look manly too in the ‘down in one’ stakes… so everyone’s a winner.

Kukui

Tuesday night, Friday night… Yes, this favourite is frequented by many twice a week. It’s got some sort of faux-Hawaiian theme going on, can have hour long queues, and has only one main dance floor, but embrace it. The antithesis to edginess, Kukui is cringe, but classic.

Kebab Vans

Every college has their favourite; whether it’s Hassan’s or Mehdi’s that floats your boat, most offer the same menu involving pitta and meat or chips and cheese. Sure, they’re not the healthiest choice, but there’s no better way to get rid of those drunken munchies. Just try not to get them for every dinner… And anyway, if you’re a health-fiend there’s always the Organic Burger Van by St Johns, which is so high-class, it barely scrapes into this kebab category.

LGBT

Standing for ‘Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender’, most colleges have a representative for those within this group who perhaps need support or advice. This gives the opportunity to talk to another student in confidentiality, in a non-pressurised environment, who really understands what you might be going through. Plus Wadham is known for holding outrageous LGBT bops (see above for definition of bops) which are notorious throughout the whole Uni. Everyone wants to attend this event for the chance to dress up in drag or Diva it up- it’s one of the best and lairiest fancy-dress opportunities around.

Library

College libraries impose varying degrees of discipline; all I’ll say is I’ve definitely seen someone eat a Chinese take away in ours. In Trinity term the library becomes the place to be- eat, work, sleep, socialise- you name it, the library’s doing it. Although try to avoid sleeping there if possible as being caught napping in the aisle/ under your desk is always awkward. For a more controlled atmosphere hit up the University libraries- The Bod (mentioned previously), The Rad Cam, and The SSL, are just a few delightful examples.

Lectures

9 o’clock lectures are officially the bane of everyone’s life, especially after a night out. Last night’s make-up, pale faces, I’ve even seen someone in a poorly adapted version of black tie (he had removed his bowtie) – an impressive devotion to the cause of learning. Lectures are essential for science students, and you’ll be sure to hear them whinging about this, but are sometimes taken as a liberal discipline for the Arts students who can be known to make sporadic appearances.

Michaelmas

Winter term in oxford language. Michaelmas always starts in the revelling of Freshers week (which only gets funner year on year) and ends in invariable grumbling about the cold (oxford is in a countryside dip resulting in chills dontcha know?), culminating in Christmas being celebrated offensively early, so dig out your festive attire by November 1st at the latest.

Matriculation

The ceremony (at the end of 1st week in Michaelmas) whereby you are officially enrolled as an Oxford student. Involves standing around in the Sheldonian theatre for approximately 15 minutes whilst some Latin is barked at you, and tourists stand perplexed trying to work out why you are wearing gowns, and look like some kind of over-keen waitress. Strongly recommended is the celebrations at the turf – where everyone heads for a cheeky celebration drink (or two).

Mortarboards

Fairly pointless, flat boarded black caps with a tassel on top that are worn at matriculation (see above)and for exams. I use the word “worn” rather loosely – its bad luck to put them on your head before you graduate so the only option is to awkwardly carry them around.

May Day

An oxford tradition (crazy party goers that we are) to stay up all night in order to watch the singers of Magdalen College School sing at the top of the bell-tower at 6am. Whilst the singing itself might be a bit of an anti-climax, the night preceding is great fun and be sure to have breakfast as every one of oxford’s pubs opens its doors in the early hours so that the party can be continued. Hardcore.

OUSU

Stands for the Oxford University Student Union, where issues such as accommodation, housing, teaching and equality are discussed. This committee do a lot to improve the standard of student life in all different areas. Representatives are elected every year (a vote which every student is entitled to) so make sure to watch out for manifestos in our lovely Cherwell!

Park End

Actual name “Lava Ignite”, changed from Park End by some promoter who felt the need to reinvent, but found that the old name just stuck. Frequented on a Wednesday night (aka sports/crew date night), it’s literally jam-packed by 10pm. Boasting three different dance-floors: r n b, cheese and dance (tenuous. More like less extreme cheese) there’s a wealth of variety for any music tastes. Highlights include the crazy dancing, the vast proportion of costumed revellers, and the carpeted floor of the first bar (with a wonderful quality of retaining the smell of vomit). Enter Park End at your own peril – not one to be experienced sober.

Principal

Head of the college, supposedly presiding over college business, but rarely comes into contact with undergraduates. More like a mythical figure, rarely seen except in the murky distance of the high table at formal hall.

In the Closet: A fresher introduction

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Hail to thee, blithe spirits! To alleviate some of the anxiety that attends any man’s first year at Oxford, below is a high-level guide to the University’s sartorial life. While we absolutely encourage bold, imaginative, and above all thoughtful forays into the more eccentric or avant-garde realms of style and comportment – currently we are loving the pink ‘welfare’ glasses favoured by Andy Warhol in the sixties and seventies – the advice given here should provide a stylish base from which to begin any such adventures. As follows:

Formal dress: The opportunities for wearing a dinner jacket around Oxford are legion. This is something to be celebrated by every man, gentle or otherwise, for it is hard to imagine any occasion on which it is easier to look almost unbearably handsome. We will have more to say on this in a future column, but for the time being, just remember to insist upon a tennis collar for your pleated shirt (winged collars look best carrying white ties), and if this will be your first black tie purchase, choose a jacket and trousers made from the lightest-weight fabric you can find. This will make you much more comfortable as the night starts to heat-up, which tends to happen for those who look unbearably handsome.

Also bear in mind that a cummerbund is not essential, waistcoats are a bit much (except with white tie), braces are essential (no clip-ons, please), and polished brogues are perfectly acceptable footwear.

Bow ties: You will need at least two, one black (for your formal dress) and one white (for your sub-fusc, and possibly for a ball). If it is not already the editorial policy of the Cherwell, it soon will be that ready-made bow ties are unacceptable under any circumstances. (Rumour has it the Proctors are contemplating making this an offense punishable by rustication.) Insist on the real thing, which you can learn to tie by watching this quaint but effective video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJv4Qh7zR3E.

Trousers: Make a clean break of your juvenile past by forsaking all pairs (or at the very least, all but one pair) of nondescript, pleated, boot-cut or otherwise full-legged trousers. Leave them at home so you are not tempted by the siren call of the Comfort Fit. Trousers should be trim enough that the belt is almost entirely ornamental, and cut narrower than you think through the thigh, calf, and ankle. Turn-ups (cuffs) should be worn only for irony.

Jeans: If you must, make them skinny. There is no need to loose circulation in your legs, but you should have some difficulty pedaling a bicycle or sitting on the floor. Very dark blue and grey look much better than you think.

Socks: Don’t feel obliged to wear these, even with your formal dress, unless it’s snowing, in which case choose a pair that is outrageously colourful. If your neighbours aren’t banging on the wall telling you to turn down your socks, try a different pair.

Footwear: You will look and feel infinitely better with a leather sole between your feet and the pavement. The fact that it rains a lot is no excuse for something so garish as a rubber sole, except on your Wellington boots, which should be diesel powered. Invest in some shoe polish and a proper umbrella and bring as many leather lace-ups as you can fit in your travel case. (Boat shoes are excepted, of course.)

Sportswear: The secret to making all your other clothes look better. Bring at least two sets of kit, and make gym time the only time you disport yourself in running shoes. Resist the urge, under pain of near-universal derision, to wear your kit outside the gym or off the jogging path. Especially if it says ‘Canterbury’ on it.

Shirts: More collars, less bulk, and you can never have enough pink. Don’t be afraid to leave your button-downs unbuttoned, especially with a tie, but do remember to tuck them in, even with jeans. (Especially with skinny jeans.) Polo shirts are like t-shirts, to be worn less-frequently than you think, more fitted than feels comfortable at first, and if not in pink, then black. Dress shirts require their own column: stay tuned.

Outerwear: Included here are sweaters, or jumpers, depending on how many oceans you crossed in getting to Oxford. V-necks look better than crewnecks, and both are improved by a collar. (A fitted cardigan with skinny tie can’t miss.) The thing to remember is that the softer the fabric, the more likely someone else will want to touch it. (Itchy wool nautical sweaters are excepted, of course.)

Consider trading some of your sweaters/jumpers for sport coats. Corduroy is lovely, brushed cotton or wool equally fine, cashmere outstanding, tweed tremendous. Add a scarf for layering warmth, and practice wearing your coat draped over your shoulders, which looks almost as handsome as black tie. (Draping your dinner jacket over your shoulders, with collar undone and tie un-knotted, is devastating.)

Bring at least one coat made of waxed cotton or some other waterproof, non-synthetic fabric. Fleece is illegal in Oxford.

Corkscrew: The essential accessory. Not one of those dual-handle jobs, but a proper, simple, restaurant-style corkscrew. It slips easily into the jacket pocket, and forestalls any inadvertent suffering of the derision of Charles and Careless:

CHARLES. ‘Fore Heaven, ’tis true!–there is the great Degeneracy
of the age–many of our acquaintance have Taste–Spirit, and
Politeness–but plague on’t they won’t drink—-

CARELESS. It is so indeed–Charles–they give into all the
substantial Luxuries of the Table–and abstain from nothing but
wine and wit–Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably–

Watch for In the Closet throughout the term in Cherwell, and please do submit any questions or responses as a comment to this article. We will keep these in mind for future columns.

A Plethora of Celebrations, the Proliferation of Vacations

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Snow days are causes for mass celebration among schoolchildren everywhere. When we’re young, we contrive to increase the possibility of a snowstorm by sleeping with wooden spoons under our pillows and wearing our pajamas inside out. In elementary school, before the advent of e-mail chains, we’d wake up before dawn and rush to turn on the television, to search anxiously in the morning news for announcements of schools closing due to the snow. We were rewarded if our school was among the cancellations listed. A two-hour delay was a sort of consolation prize. From November through February (and if memory serves, a few times in October or March or even one memorable April), these snow days, unplanned vacations from the daily grind of school, held a special place in our hearts.
But these snow days weren’t the only days off. Looking back on my thirteen years in primary and secondary education and comparing my American experience to that of British friends at Oxford, it’s become increasingly clear that we consider a plethora of occasions reason to close schools. Of course, there are the religious holidays – the Jewish High Holy Days in the autumn, Christmas and Hanukah in December, Good Friday and Easter and Passover in the spring – but in the United States, these are only the tip of the holiday iceberg. Going through the calendar of a traditional school year, the number is astonishing.
Today is the first Monday of September – Labor Day in the United States. Some schools start the day after Labor Day, but if they’ve already begun, as many have, it’s the first day when children are given a free pass. Moving into October, Columbus Day commemorates the “discovery” of our nation, and many schools use this day as an opportunity for a four-day weekend, giving children the Friday prior off of school as well.

Next comes a holiday we may share with other nations; every year on November 11th we celebrate Veterans Day, to honour men and women who have served our country. As the date marking the end of the First World War, such celebrations may be more widespread. But of course, the next holiday in November is all-American: Thanksgiving. Celebrated on the last Thursday of the month, most schools end midday on Wednesday and are closed until the following week, in order for children to have ample time to watch the Macy’s parade, help parents cook, and of course gorge themselves on turkey and sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.

In December are the Christmas holidays, a couple of weeks all at once, encompassing New Years’ Day as well; again, similar to other nations. But little more than a fortnight following, children are given a Monday off for Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. In February, President’s Day, an amalgam of the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, is often turned into a four-to-five day break. Of course in March or April there’s another long vacation, and then at the end of May is Memorial Day. Some schools in the United States will end at this point, and others keep going for a few more weeks. All will be over by the close of June – often a few weeks prior to the Fourth of July, the national holiday of Independence Day.

Lest I forget, this brief overview includes only holidays which are officially observed, resulting in the closing of schools and sometimes workplaces. Looking at a calendar, there are a multitude of other holidays every month, ranging from the widespread (Mother’s Day and Father’s Day) to the wacky (Paul Bunyan Day), from the multicultural (months to honour Hispanic and African-American heritage, as well as a multitude of celebrations for various religions) to the educational (a day to honour teachers and a month dedicated to books). And there are the days to commemorate patriotism, both by state (Massachusetts and Maine celebrate Patriot’s Day on April 19th), and across the nation on Patriot Day, the 11th of September, and Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, on the 7th of December.

Concluding such a summary, it’s clear that we celebrate and commemorate many people and events, and find many of them reason enough to close our schools. Of course in Britain there are national bank holidays and half-term breaks, which when added together may compensate for the dearth of other closures. But until coming to Oxford, I had never realized that the marking of days out of school or work which we consider commonplace, are in fact uniquely American.

Keep rumour confined to the playground

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The past few weeks have been intensely embarrassing ones for the British media. Though we’re not verging on journalism’s expenses scandal, it is becoming increasingly obvious the extent to which the modern press are happy to run stories based on little more than conjecture; and do the rumour spreader’s job for them.

We heard one day that Charles Kennedy was imminently going to defect to the Labour Party. What was the basis for this? A shady briefing to friendly journalists, probably from within Camp Mili-E. This factless speculation worked its way through the press to the front of the broadsheets. Any sources quoted? Anywhere? No. But still good enough to print as fact. A couple of days later and we learn the rumours were groundless.

It was a similar story with Boris Johnson, who was definitely going to resign as Mayor if his Crossrail budget got cut. Was he really though, or did someone just pick up a rumour in the pub? Either way it got printed, then retracted, and we learn it had no basis in truth.

The shift of political power from the floor of the Commons to its press gallery has been well noted, and explored even more through the raft of New Labour memoirs out recently. But the problem is that it means most of what lies behind political journalism today are the carefully spun machinations of the rumour mill, spilling out of hacks’ offices through dodgy press officers and even dodgier special advisors (see the Charlie Whelan/Ed Balls duo for a definition of this).

At the end of the day though, reporters don’t cling onto the words said in a Commons debate, or scrutinise the statements of ministers. They wait around for the next leak dropped on their desk, and hang onto the hearsay casually mentioned in the press gallery. There’s nothing wrong with press briefings, and indeed the modern political press is brilliantly lively, but we do need to re-establish some basic standards or they will simply lose the public’s trust.

(P.S. Perhaps the strongest example of rumour stretched too far is the now silent story of the murdered MI6 agent. Out of some murky source came the idea that he might have been gay (landlord never saw him bring back a girl). What does that mean Daily Mail? Possibly gay man dies in suspicious circumstances? That’s clearly a drunk drug fuelled sex orgy romp death isn’t it! A couple of days later, after saturating the national papers with slanderous speculation, the more astute reader may have spotted a retraction. He wasn’t gay, there was no porn stashed in his flat, and there was definitely no bondage den. The Daily Mail print a comment piece lambasting their bad sources (read rumours). If you’re going to base your front page on such awful sources, you should probably point it out at the time.)

Play for an F.A Cup winner

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Come on, admit it… we’ve all fantasied about stepping out onto that hallowed Wembley turf to score in an important final. Well, whilst your University footballing career is unlikely to reach such drastic and dizzying heights there is a high level of prestige attached to stepping out to represent Oxford University in the annual Varsity football match.

The Oxford University Association Football Club, as it is formally known, has a long tradition of breeding sporting success and most importantly beating bitter rivals Cambridge in the show piece event each year. In Trinity term last year, Cherwell Sport’s Ralph Turner witnessed a pulsating affair at Cambridge United’s Abbey Stadium which resulted in Oxford winning on penalties after snatching a stoppage time equalizer.

The club itself has an extremely impressive heritage. Formed in 1872, the team is one of the oldest to be associated with the University. A cohort of twenty nine players have progressed from the Blues team to represent their country. Perhaps the most famous of this elite group is CB Fry who won international acclaim both in Cricket and Football, captaining his country in 6 tests from 1912 whilst also enjoying an illustrious footballing career with bitter rivals Southampton and Portsmouth.

The club currently play its matches at the Iffley Road sports ground. The first ever game at this site was a high profile affair in December 1921 which saw Tottenham Hotspur beat OUAFC 1-0.

Whilst it may not be common knowledge, Oxford University have competed in the F.A Cup. The club entered the competition between 1872-1880 and have reached the final five times, winning the trophy once with a 2-0 win over Royal Engineers at the Kennington Oval.

It is clear that the club has a extremely prestigious past, but the question is, just how does one get involved in Blues football? This year trials will take place during Freshers week and are open to all who wish to put themselves forward. Further details, and the chance to register interest can be found on the club website at www.ouafc.co.uk

So, whilst it may be a while until the Blues team grace the Wembley turf in a major domestic final, they still have an impressive history, and let’s face it there is nothing better than telling your friends that you have just joined an F.A Cup winning side!

Cherwell’s fresher glossary: part one

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Oxford slang is quite confusing at first, and may seem at times to venture into the realms of Clockwork Orange – you’ll check your ‘pidge’ (pigeonhole) in the ‘plodge’ (porters’ lodge), will sign ‘up’ and ‘down’ at the start and end of term – so here is Cherwell’s helpful guide, and some of the things we wish we’d know before we ‘came up’.

Academics
Ah, of course. Why we’re all here. Because we were the best and brightest of our various sixth forms. So people will (obviously) take their work very seriously. They’ll intimidate you with their summer reading (voluntary of course) and will leave you to wallow in your awkward ‘I don’t know the answer to that question’ silence in tutorials. Who cares? You’ll be the one with all the stories about vomming on your shoes. Who’s the real winner eh?

Bops
The awful Oxford slang for a college disco. Some are raucous and amazing fun, some are awful (Merton…) most play Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ at least once. All have potent cocktails that will burn your taste buds off. Invariably fancy dress, but it’s not like school: the cool kids all dress up. In costumes that took more time to plan than your vac essay. Seriously.

Babylove
Where the cool kids hang out. Sweaty, small and too cool for its own good. Edgy hair and ironic dress only.

Bridge
The foil of Babylove, just as sweaty. Cheesy fun. And it has a stripper pole that rugby boys tend to flock round. Unexplained. Just don’t get ‘Anuba’d’. Anuba is the bar (waiting room) you go to if the queue for Bridge is too long. You’ll be given a ticket like when you bought your school shoes from Clarks. No night can recover.

Bod
Short for ‘Bodleian Library’. Seriously, go to your fresher orientation otherwise you will never find your way round. And it’s seriously embarrassing going as a third year, and asking where you get books out from, trust me. Don’t try to take them home, you can’t, and you’ll be rugby tackled by a security guard if you try.

Crew dates.
A very unique Oxford thing. One all girl ‘crew’ (think netball team, drinking society, women’s elephant polo club) goes for a curry or to a formal hall with another all boy crew (rugby team, drinking society, general lads). Can be between colleges or uni wide. One side pays for dinner; the other provides the wine (minimum one bottle per person). General hilarity ensues in the form of drinking games and copping off with each other. Although Cherwell advises against the latter.

Collections
Beginning of term exams used to check you weren’t telling porkies about how much work you did. Taken in various degrees of seriousness – some are in exam conditions, some you’re allowed to take back to your room. Don’t panic about them, very uncool. Go for studied nonchalance instead.

Drinking societies.
Ah, infamous tabloid fodder. Some are just as elite as described – despite various equality committees trying to intervene and spoil their fun. Each college has their own, with their own bizarre traditions. Initiations are a must.
The infamous ‘Buller’ is now supposedly struggling for members- it’s now cooler to turn it down than to accept. The first rule of equally infamous Piers Gav is you don’t talk about Piers Gav (just google it). Christ Church Cardinals throw the best party every term, but don’t be fooled by the black tie. Ain’t nothing classy about their ‘cocktails’. Girls drinking societies are a bit of an oxymoron, but they do try.

Don
A college tutor. Derived from the Latin dominus meaning variously master, lord, owner, host. A strange species that comes in wildly different forms. Some are old school and will offer you a glass of wine and spend the whole hour talking about opera, some will let you call them by their first name, some are terrifying and are not to be crossed. Most cannot be fooled, and they’ve seen every trick in the book. And have probably already read that essay you’re trying to pass off as your own. You will, however, learn their traits and your own tricks for getting around them, even if it is just to avoid eye contact and sudden movements.

Entz/Entz Reps
Short for Entertainment, your Entz Reps will arrange the bops and other super fun events – think chocolate orange world record attempts. club nights as well as your Freshers’ Week, film nights, and selling tickets for club nights throughout term. Be nice to them and they’ll save you tickets and tell you what’s happening.

Essays
Ban the phrase ‘essay crisis’ from your vocabulary. It’s irritating, and if you have one, it’s your own entire fault. Yes, you will get lots of them, particularly if you do a humanity, but get over it. There’s some myhtical guideline that says you can only be set sixteen in a term. Maybe that’s not very comforting. Double spacing is your best friend (the pages multiple, like magic!). And despite what you may think, doubling the expected word count will not impress your tutor. You’re just giving them more to cover in red pen.

Examination Schools
Where Prelims, Mods and Finals are held (more on those later). On the High Street. Also where you’ll have to hand in any finals coursework. Not really a place of laughs and giggles.

Fuzzy ducks
The Brookes night, in the O2 in Cowley. Voted the fifth easiest place to pull in some lads’ mag, some time ago. Buy your ticket in advance, and take your breath mints. Not for the faint hearted.

Finals
Final examinations at the end of 3 or 4 years as an undergraduate. Some degrees are divided in to Part Ones (taken at the end of second year) and Part Twos (taken at the end of third or fourth year) much to the annoyance of people actually trying to have fun at the end of their term. Finalists can be recognized by a permanent caffeine shake and the deep scowl if people even whisper loudly in the library. Probably best avoided in Trinity term.

Fresher
First years. Will be said with distain by some second years, who have conveniently forgotten they were one just a year ago. Don’t do anything too outrageous in Freshers’ Week because the nickname ‘Fresher Slut/Lad/Douche/Sick’ etc will stick for the rest of the year. Technically you should only be called a Fresher in your first term, but no one pays any attention to that. And you’ll be told to “Down it, Freshaaaaaa!”, quite a lot.

G and D’s
An Oxford cafe – one in Cowley, one on St Aldates – specializing in ice cream and bagels. Always busy after nine as people avoid work and get their caffeine fix, but it’s expensive… But it IS open til midnight. So, swings and roundabouts.

Gown
Short and armless if you’re not a scholar, long and more batman like if you are. Also refers to the University in the phrase ‘Town vs. Gown’ – the ever-bubbling tension (apparently) between students and the normal people of Oxford.

Enter the Dragonette?

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In the frantic fortnight following the release of A-level results, the national papers are warning us that millions of pupils will be left without a place at university, doomed to wander the streets in feral hordes or to get a job at Krispy Kreme Donuts to fund their rampant mephadrone addiction. But spare a thought for Dragonette.

The irresistibly likeable Canadian disco act have already been turned down twice by the UK, and now they’re back again.Third time lucky? Will these deserving foreign students get a place in our hearts? Cherwell takes a look at their UCAS application…

QUALIFICATIONS (with teachers’ comments):

First album – Galore, 2007

Music: instantly catchy tunes with an unerring ear for pastiche ranging from Bollywood to 50s pop (A*)
English: cheerfully inept (‘Goodness I like this / Being your mistress’) but with a certain Patsy Clineish class (B)
Chemistry: mostly effervescent – saccharine-based with some acerbic compounds (A)
Food Technology: good command of texture, and everything leaves a juicy and strangely satisfying taste (A)

Second album – Fixin to Thrill, 2009

Music: Country and Western for the synth-pop generation, pure ‘n’ simple. A few cringeworthy dud tracks, but ultimately this is a cracking record. Best use of the banjo this side of the millennium in Gone Too Far (A)
PE: obsessive focus on dance. Even sex seems to be the horizontal expression of a vertical desire (A)
English: frankly not much improvement (Executive access to upper classes / So run and get me some of ’em big sunglasses’). But this is pop, so what the hell (B)
Performing Arts: the only word that comes close to describing Dragonette’s stagecraft is ‘electric.’ These guys might have supported Basement Jaxx back in the day, but right now they look capable of headlining a tour of similar magnitude (A*, assessed August 28 at 93 Feet East, Brick Lane)

INTERVIEW NOTES

Candidate (Martina Sorbara) seems candid, articulate and confident but without arrogance. And, this Oxford don cannot help adding, really quite sexy, in an American sort of way.

Asked about her lack of success with previous applications in the UK, she seemed to feel let down by her representation: ‘It’s the worst! It really is! They didn’t really have any idea what do do: they were like ‘okay, where do we put this?”

She was eager to differentiate her group from well-groomed public school applicants: ‘our records are made in a spare bedroom in my house. I consider them homespun.’ The candidate pointed to previous success in America. ‘Being the kind of band we are, we get surprised – everything grows without our knowledge. I guess you could call it a Kinder Surprise career – we’re never quite sure what’s going to be inside the egg.’ And everything is coated in sugar, I don’t reply.

The candidate admits to being adrift from contemporary music. ‘I live in oblivion a little bit. I have to force myself to listen to music. I fill up my iPod with history podcasts and stories. I got fascinated by the Dark Ages last month.’ Confesses to idiosyncratic and conservative musical taste: ‘when I get home, I just want to listen to the old records I know off by heart – Talk Talk, Nick Lowe, a lot of country. Most of my lyrics have their origins in country.’

At this point conversation spun out of control as the interviewer could not hold back any longer from asking about the band’s name. ‘We just thought it sounded like a fun word,’ said the candidate. ‘But then we discovered it was a kind of fish.’ [NB: a dragonet is a brightly-coloured fish that lurks in the mud at the bottom of the sea. We did not pursue the analogy.] When the interviewer suggested that Dragonette was a Pokemon, the candidate seemed confused and replied that Pokemon had probably stolen the name off them.

VERDICT

As much talent and charisma as previously successful scholars such as La Roux and Lights. Some might say more. For pity’s sake let’s offer them a Rhodes scholarship before they give up on Britain altogether…

Film isn’t dead

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‘Film is dead.’ So proclaims Will Self, the infamous intellectual and novelist, in an article for The Times on 28th August promoting his new book, ‘Walking to Hollywood’. As opening lines go, it’s a fairly bold one, no doubt intended to spark the reader’s interest and outrage, but, upon closer inspection, his argument actually turns out to be rather less histrionic and self-evidently incorrect than this.

He is quick to qualify his claim by explaining, ‘I don’t mean that people aren’t making films, or that other people aren’t watching them – it’s just that film is no longer the dominant narrative medium, its near century-long hegemony over the imaginations of the greater part of the world’s population has ended.’ To paraphrase, Self didactically informs us that film is no longer the central monolith of popular culture; its role in people’s lives and imaginations has diminished considerably, and its dominant cultural position has instead been replaced by a salmagundi of different institutions. He laments how, ‘When I talk to my older children… [and] their friends, I have no sense of film’s centrality for them; instead they are at the vortex of so much full-motion imagery – on TVs, computer screens, games consoles, CCTV, 3G phones – that the silver screen hovers only in their mid-distance, a ghostly presence unless animated by the next big, novelty spectacle.’

To give Self his due, his isn’t an unusual or unique position, as he proves by asking all those he comes into contact with whether film really is dead. According to his accounts, everyone from Daniel Craig to Jonathan Coe agrees wholeheartedly with his self-assuredly pessimistic mortician’s report, and he then sets about walking to Hollywood (via Heathrow) in order to track down the killer. His belief that film’s ‘cultural primacy’ has been lost would, one might assume, lead him to examine why the rise of DVDs and the internet has been so meteorically successful, as well as examining where exactly cinemas – rather than filmmakers, as Self acknowledges that ‘good – even great – movies are still being made’ – have gone wrong. Disappointingly, such an examination is nowhere to be found. Instead, his article is more of a vague eulogy for a more mythical time in movies, when one big release might define a generation: ‘Without a common horde of film references… it’s difficult to see how my generation would cohere at all. We’re stuck together by Steve McQueen tossing a baseball against a cell wall, Lauren Bacall putting her lips together to blow, Anthony Hopkins sucking up invisible fava beans…’

The first thing to notice about this last quotation is just how diverse the films that supposedly unite his generation really are; respectively, he references ‘The Great Escape’, ‘To Have and Have Not’ and ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ as cultural touchstones for people of around his age (Self is forty-eight, going on forty-nine), yet the release dates for these films span from 1944 to 1991. The second is just how recognisable these references are to any generation – he cannot seriously claim these iconic moments loom large only in the mind of the middle-aged. It is also somewhat frustrating to find oneself being spoken for in this article, as he confidently observes how those in their late teens and early twenties are no longer united by film. This observation must either be wilfully selective or else be made in phenomenal ignorance of youth’s diversity. If his children and their friends do not have film as a cultural centrepiece to their lives then fair enough, but one should take exception at his attempts to extrapolate this across the entirety of today’s youth.

Even more important is a point which Self appears to ignore entirely: the question of whether or not film remains the most significant facet of modern culture presupposes its previous dominance. While Self argues that McQueen, Bacall and Hopkins unite his generation, I am utterly certain that huge swathes of forty-eight year olds would disagree, and perhaps even fail to recognise which three films he is referring to. It is wrong to claim flatly that film has been the cultural centrepiece of the twentieth century – for many, its primacy has never been the case. With this in mind, it becomes clear that the subsequent argument – that film (or film’s primacy) has died – is equally subjective. The friends and colleagues he encounters may agree with him, but for many – including my own group of peers – film has never been more of a potent and unifying force in culture.

I fear also that Self may be viewing cinematic history through a lens darkly distorted by nostalgia. While he writes of growing up with such undisputed classics as ‘Chinatown’ and ‘Apocalypse Now’, he unfairly contrasts these with three lacklustre releases of 2008: ‘The Incredible Hulk’, ‘Wanted’ and ‘The Love Guru’. In this way, he is pitting the best that the cinema of his youth has to offer against the worst of today’s – an unfair and transparently selective technique. In fact, in my experience, 2008 was a year that proved once again film’s cultural primacy; this was the year of ‘The Dark Knight’, a film that seemed to define the summer. Going further afield, one only has to glance at India’s Bollywood to see a film industry that dwarves Hollywood in its production rates and that has ensured that films have become a unifying and staggeringly popular force all across the country. His belief that film’s cultural primacy is dead cannot really be disproved, but it can be challenged. I cannot personally think of any other cultural medium that unites people in the way that film can – it is rare for a book or video game to be so widely experienced and discussed in the way that certain films are. Film is the most democratic and inclusive of experiences, and it is yet to be bettered in this way.

Ultimately, however, Self seems unsure of exactly who or what he is attacking. He flips between lamenting the rise of choice in our lives (wistfully recalling the days of ‘three terrestrial television channels’) and attacking the current state of films and their quality. The first point is hardly fitting of a riposte, except to condemn it as nostalgia at its most simplistic and tiresome, while the second is, to labour the point, subjective. I would argue that, with films such as ‘Synecdoche, New York’, ‘There Will Be Blood’ and ‘Let the Right One In’, quality cinema is most definitely alive and well, though I will happily acknowledge its current health cannot be objectively assessed (unless done so financially). If Will Self believes that films ain’t what they used to be, then so be it, but I can only pity him for being unaware of, or stubbornly ignoring, the masterpieces that the universally inclusive medium of film continues to produce.