Thursday 9th April 2026
Blog Page 1941

Two hospitalised in lab explosion

0

A large explosion at the Oxford University Chemistry Department on Friday has hospitalised two students.

The incident caused “significant damage”, with the police closing off Mansfield Road at around 3.30pm on Friday, and the fire brigade called in to deal with the incident.

Many people were gathered behind the police blockades, yet at the time the police appeared unwilling to give any comment.

A spokesperson for the University of Oxford has stated however that, whilst the fire brigade were called, “the building was reoccupied and there was no risk to the public and no indication of criminal activity”.

The Chemistry Department reported that a full investigation into the causes of the explosion is now underway, but it appears that much information is currently being withheld due to the fact that the two Chemistry PhD students remain in hospital.

Thames Valley Police have provided no statement on the incident, and the results of the ongoing investigation are currently being awaited.

 

State entrants on the rise at Oxford

0

State school admissions to Oxford University have reached an unprecedented height, according to recent statistics.

Early figures in a report released by the University Press Office last Friday revealed that 58.5% of offers made for 2011 entry have been given to state school pupils. Just 41.5% of offers were made to private school candidates.

Furthermore, 55.4% of UK school students admitted in 2010 were from the state sector. This marks a 1.5% rise from 2009.

13.5% of UK undergraduates at Oxford in 2009/10 were from households with annual incomes of less than £25,000, well under the upper threshold for EMA.

27.2% had household incomes below £50,000, the current cut off point for a government maintenance grant.

The university website states that Oxford is \”committed to recruiting the best candidates\” irrespective of social or educational background.

However, the report argues that disparities in attainment across different types of school present a significant challenge to achieving this aim, with independent school students forming a third of all those gaining AAA at A Level.

The figures suggest that the university\’s outreach schemes, which attempt to dispel many myths about Oxbridge, have been successful in encouraging more state applicants.

The number of applications as a whole hit a record 17,300 for 2011 entry, with 64.3% of these coming from state students.

More than 40% of those who had attended an access summer school received an offer – double the success rate of an average applicant.

Mike Nicholson, Director of Undergraduate Admissions at Oxford said, \”We are pleased that figures for 2010 and preliminary offer figures for 2011 show the proportion of state students gradually rising. We believe this shows the great amount of effort and energy we have put into our outreach work is paying off.\”

Numbers of state school pupils at Oxford could be set to rise further with the new government act on higher education. Universities in England have been told that they could be denied the right to charge fees up to the highest level of £9,000 unless they take measures to attract a wider mix of students. This includes teenagers from state schools and areas with no tradition of progression to degree study.

These new statistics were released just days before today\’s announcement that the university plans to charge tuition fees of between £3,500 and £8,000 for students with a household income of less than £25,000, and £9,000 for all others.

 

Review: Norwegian Wood

0

Murakami\’s coming-of-age novel dominated by prose detailing the thoughts of a wandering teenage boy has come to the big screen, and by necessity the thought-based book has been translated into a much quieter piece of cinema. With the exception of the odd voiceover we rarely delve into Watanabe\’s mind, instead we are introduced to his character as if we had known him for years. The drama begins immediately with the story\’s influential suicide from which most of the film\’s tension can be traced.

\’Drama\’ is definitely the right word. Perhaps it was the age at which I read the novel, or the state of mind I was in at the time, but I always remembered this one to be at least mildly uplifting in its affirmation of living. The beauty of one\’s youthful years, the power of simple music – these are the type of things that resonated with me when I read Norwegian Wood. You\’d be forgiven for expecting something similar from the film\’s stills – its sets and scenery are quite remarkable. I never realised how stunningly green and vast Japan\’s countryside is, and here we soak it up through the seasons. Add this to the youthful faces on screen, all gifted with the smoothest of skin and the most entrancing of smiles: the visuals are truly in the territory of the divine.

And yet the tone, again, is surprisingly dark. I stress that I need to revisit the novel, because whilst it is undoubtedly true that other Murakami works set around sexual relationships are often solemn, I remembered Norwegian Wood to be a lot less heavy in that respect. Here, however, the pain is clear and real. Watanabe finds himself in a situation where he truly loves a sweet but mentally fragile woman living outside of Tokyo whilst he studies part-time in the city. However, he is similarly warmed by another girl he comes across who is, in contrast, free from emotional trauma. For reasons related to his past, his loyalties lie with the former, but without any suggestion of egoism or cold-heartedness he finds himself wedged between the two, unsure of what he himself wants out of the unstable situation.

The sexual encounters and overtones are as frequent and intense as I expected, and the intimacy between the characters is conveyed surprisingly well. When the credits roll, however, and that beautiful Beatles song starts playing, it feels strangely out of place, even if it shares a name with the film and is the inspiration for its title. The song feels too full of joy for what we have seen, even if it\’s obvious how apt the lyrics are. The song, novel and film all centre around cryptic women, and all are beautiful and reflective in their own right. It is the film, however, that cuts deeper and is cinema at its very best, capable of combining dialogue, song and image into an overpowering whole.

 

Union Tribunal goes West for Jack Sennett

0

President-Elect Izzy Westbury has survived her first test in office as an Oxford Union tribunal ruled that her campaign was not in breach of society rules.

Rival presidential candidate Jack Sennett, reported Westbury to the Returning Officer for using a surprise birthday party thrown just days before the election to ‘hack\’ or canvass votes.

Sennett issued a formal complaint against Westbury and Cyrus Nasseri for breaching Union rules which classify \”actual or attempted soliciting of votes for or against any candidate\” as electoral malpractice.

The event, held at Camera on the 28th February was publicized as \”Izzy\’s Surprise 21st\” on facebook by Nasseri and described: \”A great night to celebrate our friend\’s birthday.\”

Guests involved some of Westbury\’s closest friends from the Society, including former Presidents Laura Winwood and James Kingston, and the new Treasurer-elect, James Freeland.

One guest commented \”It was only about 60 or so of her closest friends who would probably have voted for her anyway.\”

The following day Westbury\’s facebook status read \”Went down to Camera for a few drinks and BOOM, there was a party!!!\”

The complaint, made to Retuning Officer Katherine Sidders, was \”brought against Mr Nasseri and Miss Westbury, under the rule [against]: organised treating by or on behalf of any candidate either between the opening of nominations and the close of poll, so as to draw attention to the candidature of a member.\”

A friend close to the unsuccessful candidate, who wished to remain anonymous, told Cherwell \”He was annoyed.

\”He lost the election to her and he thinks that the party had something to do with it.

\”Even if she didn\’t know, it can\’t have harmed her campaign.\”

The tribunal, made up of three ex-Officers, ruled in favour of Westbury, dismissing Sennet\’s complaint.

On the evening of the 10th March the tribunal \”found that there was no case to answer against Miss Westbury, and Mr. Nasseri was found not guilty.\”

\”As a result, Mr. Nasseri continued in his role as Treasurer-Elect until he succeeded to the office of Treasurer at midnight [on Wednesday] night and at the same time, Miss Westbury took up the office of President-Elect.\”

The incident has prompted wider calls to examine electoral practice at the Union amongst claims of malpractice. Several Union members reported the illegal practices of \”hacking\” and \”slating\” as standard features of Union elections.

One Union insider who wished to remain anonymous told Cherwell: \”If the Union took electoral malpractice seriously, it would have disqualified everyone and disbanded itself long ago.

\”Nobody ever gets to the top without actively campaigning or forming a slate – and that\’s not to mention dirty tricks.\”

Friends of Hasan Ali\’s, outgoing Librarian and unsuccessful Presidential candidate have accused both Westbury and Nasseri of electoral malpractice in the past.

A close friend of both of the candidates commented: \”They\’re great people. The tribunal found them not guilty, and it wasn\’t their fault that Hasan was losing the election. Izzy worked hard for the win and she deserved it; she\’ll do a great job.

\”Slates aren\’t really anything. What you get is a natural group of people who all think each other are the best for the job and so they support each other.\”

When contacted by Cherwell, Westbury and Sennett both refused to comment in keeping with Society rules, which prevent Union officers from communicating with the press.

 

Bod-leans closer to target for new library

0

A $3 million donation made to the Bodleian Libraries by Charles and George David was announced at the Bodleian Founders Lunch on Saturday.

The donation was made in memory of the David brothers’ late father, Charles Wendell David, a Rhodes scholar at Hertford College from 1908 to 1911.

The contribution brought the fund for the reconstruction of the New Bodleian closer to its £78 million target.

The New Bodleian is anticipated to reopen in 2015 as the Weston Library.

Architect Giles Gilbert Robertson’s plans to build the Weston Library are estimated to take 4-5 years. Construction will begin in August pending the University’s approval.

The Upper Floor ‘penthouse’ reading room will be named after Charles Wendell David to commemorate the donation.

The David brothers commented, “The Charles Wendell David Reading Room celebrates a life of scholarship, marked by our father having benefited from and provided opportunities to others.

“The lesson is the enduring and great power of education and the obligation on each of us – whether families, individuals, institutions or communities – to provide this freely and generously.”

David held the positions of Director of Libraries at the University of Pennsylvania and Executive Secretary of the Association of Research Libraries. His sons observed, “Access to books became his passion

“In his own words, “Bringing minds and books together” was a matter of faith”.

Bodley’s librarian, Dr Sarah Thomas commented: “I am profoundly moved by the tribute of George and Charles David to their father and the benefits to scholars this reading room will bring.”

The donation brings the Weston Library Appeal Fund to £67 million.

The Garfield Weston Foundation and Oxford University Press have each contributed £25 million to the project. Julian Blackwell, President of Blackwell’s bookshop, has donated £6 million.

The long-awaited renovation and restoration project aims to create high quality storage for the Library’s valuable Special Collections, to develop the Library’s faculties for the support of advanced research and to expand public access to its treasures through new exhibition galleries and other faculties.

The New Bodleian Library closed its doors to readers in September last year, after nearly 70 years of service.

The new library will be accessible from entrances on Broad Street and Parks Road.

 

 

Review: King Charles at The Jericho Tavern

0

Zadok the Priest blares from all corners of the stage. King Charles (aka Charles Costa) and his sister Wednesday (aka Claudia) stand side by side, arms extended, letting the healing powers of the music flow over them. Once Charles picks up the guitar, all theatrical gimmicks fade as the music takes over. He sure knows his way around a guitar or three. Taking time to remove and replace a piece of clothing between each Van Halen-esque solo, he delights the crowd and their endless attempts to capture him on camera.

Despite having found four new band members – the last time I saw Charles he was alone with his guitar and his tower of hair – King Charles\’ music hasn\’t lost any of its intimacy. Singing about love, the inevitability of death, polar bears, and crocodiles, he still draws the audience in. Each song skits from folk to country via blues, without ever becoming predictable. Although it\’s difficult to pinpoint the direction of his music as he MCs, sings and laughs throughout, his intensity is never lost.

Responding to an anonymous \”we want another song\” from a distinctly \’Oxford\’ voice in the crowd, he resurrects Billy Joel in his last song, We Didn\’t Start the Fire. The whole crowd is jumping and jiving and ignoring the creaking moans of the Tavern\’s not so sturdy floor. Lyrics such as \”Labour government, you\’ve embarrassed us all\” demonstrate the musician\’s political edge, who name-checks a long list of celebrities and current affairs in his anthem to the noughties.

It has to be said that the live King Charles puts his Myspace doppelgänger to shame, breathing life into songs that sound disjointed and confused online. The energy in his music is inescapable: his jangly guitar riffs and heart-warming tales of woe remind me of a new Devendra Banhart, one diagnosed with the best kind of ADHD. If you haven\’t seen The King yet, don\’t waste another second. Let this mass of hair and creativity bowl you over in a live explosion of rap and roaring psychedelic hippy folk.

 

Ballet: Back on point

0

It seems that ballet has recently become ‘à la mode\’ with the continued success of Black Swan at both the box office and awards ceremonies, a new series called Agony & Ecstasy: A Year With English National Ballet being broadcast during prime time (Tuesdays 9pm BBC4), and Adrian Edmondson reaching the final of Let\’s Dance for Comic Relief with his rendition of Fokine\’s The Dying Swan (a short ballet composed in 1905). This level of exposure is rather unusual as ballet is an art form often perceived to be elitist. However, it is by no means unprecedented as any fan of Billy Elliot might tell you.

Whatever all this means for the future of ballet itself there does seem to be one common thread linking each of these programmes and films to greater and lesser extents – the ubiquitous presence of Tchaikovsky\’s Swan Lake. It seems therefore no coincidence that the BBC\’s new series chose Tchaikovsky\’s first ballet as the focus of their opening episode when it has already attracted and maintained such interest. But why has this one masterpiece reached such giddy heights in the public consciousness while others are left virtually unknown?

One reason is the music. Used continually in adverts and film soundtracks, Tchaikovsky has such a distinctive sound that even someone who was convinced that they were completely ignorant about classical music could recognise his works. The score is a roller coaster of emotion and unforgettable melodies which lay siege to the senses, yet at the premiere in 1877 it was condemned as too innovative and too involved for dance. In fact the first few versions of the ballet were subject to a great deal of negative criticism and Tchaikovsky died believing that it was a failure.

Of course the demanding choreography which showcases the whole company and truly allows the principal dancers to perfect their technique also accounts for much of Swan Lake\’s success. The physical and mental endurance needed to complete the ballet with the impression of effortlessness is extraordinary. Only the best dancers undertake the main roles, pulling in large audiences with the promise of a polished performance.

Furthermore, the entertainment provided by the extravaganza and spectacle afforded by Swan Lake also ensures its popularity. Various effects have been used over the years to create the magical transformations and enchanted lake which the plot demands. The large cast offers a diverse range of costumes and the costumes worn by the swans epitomise classical ballet and easily differentiate it from other works such as The Nutcracker and Sleeping Beauty which also have Tchaikovsky scores and wonderful choreography. The doubled and contrasting costumes of Odette and Odile – the White and Black swans – make the ballet recognisable at first sight, even to those who have never seen a performance of it.

Yet, I believe that all these features which delight and entrance audiences have been less important in capturing the attention of the wider public and ensuring its place in popular culture than the story. Narrative ballet has always been more appealing to the layman than, say, abstract dance and, in addition, Swan Lake has the advantage of being based on a simple fairy tale. The story follows the basic folklore tradition and is familiar to even the very young with its blend of magic, forbidden love and tragic death. The presence of the swans who inhabit the most iconic scenes naturalises the lack of speech and expression of narrative through movement; two features often cited as reasons why ballet does not in general appeal to as wide an audience as theatre or cinema.

Swan Lake, therefore, has all the hallmarks of a great classical ballet of the 19th century and forms a great introduction to art form for the uninitiated. Since its initial lack of success, it has been held as a central part of the balletic repertoire and has come to occupy a special place in the hearts of many, including young girls enticed to ballet classes by white tutus, feathers and tiaras. These young girls ensure the continuation of ballet as a prominent form of dance and an integral part of our rich culture.

Hoax fails to fox Cambridge Tab

0

Rivalry between Cambridge’s student newspapers reached a climax this week as editor of The Cambridge Student (TCS), Philip Brook, offered his resignation after an attempted hoax was foiled by The Cambridge Tab.

Brook, a second year Historian at Girton College, reportedly sent hoax emails to the Tab from an anonymous email account, pretending to be the victim of sexual harassment by a fellow at St John’s.

The emails suggested that the anonymous student was offered a first “if I went down on him [an unnamed fellow at St John’s]. I said no, and I want something done about it.

“The academic is high up at his college and he will lose his job by the time I’m finished with him.

“He told me if I wanted to really improve my grades, there was another way to get a first. He said he’d give me a “blow by blow account” back in his rooms the next evening.

“Since then, I have received a letter from the college telling me that they’re investigating the allegations.”

The hoax emails included a forged letter from Mattias Dörrzapf, the Senior Tutor at St John’s. The letter assured the victimised student that “St John’s college will investigate the accusations you have made against Dr […] but that the investigation into a complaint of this gravity will take time.”

When approached for comment, Dr Dörrzapf told the Tab, “I am quite puzzled what this could be about. Also, the phrase you are quoting does not sound familiar and does not remind me of anything I would have written recently.

“With the exception of two social events, I was not in College at all during the week 3-9 January and did not write or sign any letters.”

A meeting between the Senior Tutor and the Tab confirmed that the letter had been forged, and St John’s college authorities were informed.

The Tab then traced the emails to Girton College and reported the matter to the college’s Senior Tutor, Andrew Jefferies. After more thorough investigations by the college IT technicians, the hoax emails were traced to Brook’s computer.

Brook offered his resignation as Editor to the Cambridge student on Wednesday morning, following a phone conversation with the Tab in which he refused to comment.

In an emailed statement to the Tab, Brook declared, “I recognise that my actions were a serious lapse of judgement and apologise unreservedly to all parties concerned.

“I would like to make it explicitly clear that I acted in an entirely personal capacity. I did not at any point consult with anybody involved with The Cambridge Student.

“All members of the Editorial Team and Board of Directors were unaware of my actions until yesterday evening. I do not wish to make any further comment at this time.”

In Feburary of last year, the Tab claimed to have hoaxed the TCS sportswriters into printing an article on “bog snorkling” written by ‘Pete Diver’.

The Tab then published an article entitled “Revealed: How we hoaxed TCS” which details how they misinformed TCS, admitting that “our hoax was intentionally misleading.”

Following this week’s news, a spokesperson at the Tab commented, “Student newspapers in Cambridge enjoy a healthy – and often very friendly – rivalry. Regrettably, in this case, a line has been crossed.

“Both the Tab and St. John’s could have been embroiled in an expensive legal battle had he succeeded, and I’m glad we were able to expose him.

“We would, however, still like to maintain a good working relationship with The Cambridge Student.”

According to the Tab, Brook may face disciplinary action from Girton and be forced to pay St John’s solicitors’ fees.

 

 

Tim\’s got the Key to success

Tim Key is lost in one of Brighton\’s many one-way systems when he answers my phone call. A self-confessed ‘shambles\’, such an incident seems perfectly fitting for Key. But one should be wary of underestimating the poet-comedian, as he has taken the comedy world by storm over the past couple of years with his niche, nuanced persona channelled through the medium of his uniquely unassuming poetry. Key has brought a whole new interpretation through his fusion of comedy and poetry, and has developed a unique wit which conveys hilarity whether in performance or in writing. Despite his recent flurry of success, Key is affable and more than approachable on the phone, though he is initially guarded, not aware of the name of the publication and ‘worried I had done something wrong to somewhere called Cherwell\’. Key is just under halfway through the tour of his award winning show, The Slut Cracker, and admits that he was naturally pessimistic about it, as he has never toured before. He began ‘just assuming that it would be absolute horseshit\’, but so far it\’s all gone well.

Despite his heightened recognition and success, Key insists that the nature of his work has really not changed that much. ‘It\’s been really similar; a mixture of stuff that I work on my own projects along with my usual collaborations with people like Mark Watson and Tom Basden and once or twice someone asks you to do something special but broadly it has stayed the same\’. However, winning the Edinburgh Comedy Award back in 2009 has certainly increased his opportunities: ‘The main difference is that show had a life after Edinburgh, which the other show hadn\’t, meaning it has been the first time I have been able to tour really\’. Touring is just one of the many fields into which Key has delved, with his CV including poet, comedian, writer and recording artist. When asked about the breadth of his work, he has a laid back, logical approach to his various crafts, insisting that such variety is essential to the continuation of his work. ‘If you\’re backstage waiting to go onto a gig, you kind of think, \”Why do I put myself through this, why don\’t I just stick to writing?\” And then you think, \”Well, I can\’t think what to write, so then I think I\’ll just go along and do some acting\”.\’

Key begins to analogise the variety of his work. ‘You start off with lots of different fingers in lots of different pies, and then gradually as you move through your career you get each of the pies being slightly more succulent and thus slightly more interesting things in each field\’. Key\’s characteristic faux-scepticism is shown when he describes these fields as ‘a fabric of exit options\’. When pressed to name his preferred medium or piece of work to date, however, he insists that there are no such easy conclusions to be made. ‘I absolutely adore the show I\’m doing at the moment… I\’m lucky in that I work with the people I want to be working with on the projects that I actually enjoy\’.

It is his poetry which defines his career, as this is the medium through which Key channels his witty observations of the world. He talks me through his creative process, though he admits it is a loosely structured one. ‘The main thing about it is that it\’s very throw-away I suppose, and I don\’t put too much thought into it; so it comes down to the little bits and pieces which come to mind and I just whack them down\’. He points to his unique poetic form as ‘the prism that I put these ideas through,\’ and likens it to drawing, stating that ‘I just do a little sketch alone in a café.\’ The striking feature of his poems is their paradoxical nature of at once having such a casual air and yet, particularly in his performances, making one sure that a significant amount of veiled thought is bubbling away. Key admits, ‘I guess there\’s quite a lot of quality control, but then the result of that is that I\’m performing something which is also throw-away.\’

A distinguishing feature of his poetry has always been his ability at once to envisage ridiculous characterisations and parodies of eminent figures in society – as in his poem Politicians – and yet also to revel in the polar opposite of this in the anonymity of characters such as ‘Amanda in HR\’ or ‘The Banker\’. Key warms to this: ‘That\’s a good description of what I actually do; I like a kind of variety.\’ He admits that ‘one or two that are more recognisable,\’ such as his use of the Milibands – ‘they ate their little yoghurts they\’d stowed in their little briefcases\’ – but that ‘the bread and butter is the ordinary going about their daily lives.\’ When asked whether his observance of the farcical nature of the mundane world reflects his actual world view, Key admits that, ‘I do find it funny, to be honest. I guess I\’m slightly more alert to it.\’

Such a large part of Key\’s recognisability comes through the performance aspect of his poetry, in shows such as Charlie Brooker\’s Newswipe and Screenwipe. Measured glances, and witty, almost inaudible asides have defined Key\’s performances, and one could imagine the process of perfecting such a technique takes considerable time and effort. Key, however, maintains that it takes just ‘two or three takes for each… I just do it the best I can.\’ He explains, ‘The director has a very simple way of getting things down for the faux artistic angle, but there is not a great attention to detail… If it\’s working then he\’ll be trying not to laugh and if it\’s not we\’ll try something else.\’

Something of which he is undeniably in control, though, is his appearance, which he has shaped into a particular brand of shambolic-yet-stylish. Key claims it has come about gradually: ‘I think what happened is it works from the inside out; when I first did it, it was more shambolic, I had a more shambolic presence on stage, drink more, have an ill fitting suit, gradually the suit became more and more ripped, and I thought that can stay.\’ For his Slut Cracker Tour, he has cleaned up his act a bit, experimenting with being ‘more presentable and charming\’, though maintaining a slight dishevelment at all times.

Key\’s work is never allusive to other comedians, and it is difficult to pinpoint specific inspirations. Ever self-deprecating, Key jokes, ‘When I see someone who does something interesting, I think I need to think again about doing something that\’s useful.\’ In particular, it is his regular collaborators who he naturally draws upon, such as Mark Watson and Alex Horne. He pauses, before admitting that their main effect is to remind him that ‘I need to make sure I write something.\’

 

 

Can I blag you a drink?

0

Monday:

Week starts with my college\’s alumni club. Looking forward to a setting a good standard for the days ahead. Bit of strange one with which to commence, but I am told that the old boys and girls throw money at you to drink and eat with them. All transport paid for and dinner at a pretty swish London private member\’s club. As soon as I arrive the drinks start flowing. Desperately try to retain dignity talking to a few big dogs, but damn hiccups start giving me away. No one seems to care and the champagne flows freely until 11pm. This is the life that selling your soul buys, I guess, and I can start to see why you\’d do it. Stumble back onto the Oxford Tube and head home to much needed bed.

Tuesday:

As I get up I feel like the world is coming crashing down around me. Drag myself through a lecture and a tute with the help of multiple coffees and things are starting to look up. Tonight is a wine tasting evening – how very Oxford. The room for this event is festooned with bottles of wine, cheese and grapes – all JCR funded. We\’re quickly under way with pointers on how to tell one wine from another by smell, taste and colour. Thankfully, with a little help from our more than generous sommelier, I am starting to care less and less whether the current wine is a Sauvignon blanc or a Chardonnay and more about getting to Camera before midnight. The final wine, a rich red if I remember correctly, ends this ‘sophisticated\’ leg of the evening on a high, and we head straight for Camera. This club (which also gives free entry to friends of promoters…) makes a perfect stage for me to do hideous things until roughly 2.30pm, at which point I stagger to bed, accompanied by no more than a juicy kebab.

Wednesday:

I wake up next to aforementioned kebab, and in a moment of complete delirium begin to eat the remaining bits of meat. Quelle erreur. After a very cautious and painful re-emergence onto Turl Street, I begin to wonder if this ‘getting drunk\’ thing is really worth it. I mean, I\’m hardly highlighting the world\’s injustices or promoting world peace, am I? I soon get over this emotional tussle and get ready for evening number three, at Fuzzy Ducks. Fortunately, I am the ‘promoter\’ for my college (which involves standing in the bar and selling tickets – very easy stuff) which means not only free access, but, far more importantly, a lot of free drinks. And when I say a lot, I mean a hugely unbelievable amount. The little room where promoters are put houses approximately 25 litres of vodka (between 15) and complementary mixers. A bit crude, yes, but who cares? Not I, and after an hour or so of sipping vodka ‘n juice, my inner fuzzy duck comes out in all its debauched glory. Vague memories of thrusting, gyrating and pretending to be various animals. Bed at 3: dead to the world.

Thursday:

Fire alarm goes off at 10am but I literally cannot move. Get up at 2pm to discover weird bruises down my left side and paint on my back. Absolutely no idea. Feel surprisingly fresh for one hour, then feel like someone is punishing me for every sin ever committed. I\’m finally back in working order by 11pm, ready for the Oxford Union\’s infamous President\’s Drinks. Easy to grab a last minute place on the guest list through token hack friend and despite the fact that the Gladstone Room is filled with complete cocks, the bar beckons me in with its beautiful array of colourful cocktails. OK, so VKs are the order of the night, but soon the sugar is coursing through my veins and I\’m getting into the swing of things. Weird men everywhere. Queue jump is conveniently sorted out by Chief Hack and off I trot with them to Bridge. This has to be lowlight of the week and as the sugar runs out, I realise that Bridge is distinctly average. Pains return at 1am so I return to my bed soon after.

Friday:

Ah! Sleep like a little baby. Body is in better shape, bruises have become a bit more blue today, and general Fuzzy Ducks swelling has gone down. Not only this, but I can concentrate on a conversation for more than twenty seconds for the first t

ime in about five days. Tonight is the OIFS drinks event in the Examination Schools, which due to their horrendously large bank account is free for all. Funny how putting on a suit has a surprisingly positive affect on your well-being. Boy! It must pay to be a banker. Cava and vodka buckets all night. Despite my stomach clenching every now and then, the drinks go down a treat. Good people there too, and more alcohol that they know what to do with. Lash leads to Kukui, where I manage to drunkenly bumble in free of charge. I\’m herded into VIP area where OIFS people are sharing huge bucket of alcohol. Sweet Jesus. No recollections after this point.

Saturday:

I ring up my editor and ask why I am doing this. She laughs for a while, and points out that I only have a few days left. What a bitch. Why doesn\’t she understand the pain I am in? I struggle through yet another day dominated by Fifa and more abdominal and cranium pain, before heading out again to a ‘presentation evening\’ for a management consultancy firm. I resent everyone in the room, as they ask positive and self-indulgent questions. I sit at the back, sulking with my three bottles of Peroni. The talk is so dull; why are they all pretending to be so interested in management consultancy? Why, when it literally makes no sense and everyone realises this? Anyway, I feel odd this evening, kind of alert but simultaneously like everything is going in slow motion. We head to a crewdate, where venn.com have supplied us with a load of free wine. Pretty decent of them. Brings back memories of the wine-tasting – at which point I go and sit on the toilet for a while. I am sconced for being a member of Cherwell, then sconced again for what I did in Camera on Tuesday night. I\’m toppling over the edge. I\’m engulfed by nausea. I go and sit on the toilet again. This brief respite for some reason leads to more sconcing. I am losing faith in this mission and humanity in general. Bed at 2pm, cold sweats and a banging head.

Sunday:

Thank the Lord for this day. My editor rings me and tells me that they\’ve just got a great interview and that this article isn\’t going in. I swear at her and hang up. Turns out that this was some kind of sick joke. I go to chapel in the early evening and shed a single tear of simultaneous joy that the week is almost over and self-pity as I evaluate this painful and blurry ordeal. Chapel is followed by free drinks, obviously. JCR meeting is my final event of the week, where yet more alcohol is dished my way. I go for tins of Fosters, a classy way to end the week. I force myself to see away a good five cans before admitting absolute defeat. I crawl (not quite literally) to bed. As I lie there, realising that I have indeed managed to get stonkingly drunk for free for seven nights in a row, I think about why there is so much free alcohol in the city of dreaming spires. Is that really the best way societies and events have for drawing in us plebs? As my thoughts drift slowly away my phone beeps: I roll over and check the event reminder. \”Essay due in at midnight,\” it says. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Â