Monday 14th July 2025
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Reviews: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

If I told you ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. The World’ was a romantic action-comedy based on a comic book with a lot of references to indie rock and video games, you probably wouldn’t go see it. But you should. It’s right up there with ‘Inception’ and ‘Toy Story 3’ as one of the best films of the summer.

Directed by Edgar Wright (‘Shaun of the Dead,’ ‘Hot Fuzz’) and based on the graphic novel series by Bryan Lee O’Malley, the film follows Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) in his quest to win the heart of Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) by defeating each of her Seven Evil Exes. The film blends tried-and-true teen comedy staples like battle of the bands and geek meets girl with a bit of ‘Kill Bill’, garnishing with a healthy sprinkling of ‘Street Fighter II’ and ‘Guitar Hero’.

The film’s quirkiness won’t appeal to all tastes, but it’s easy to find yourself sucked into its offbeat universe. Wright’s kaliedoscoping visuals draw inspiration from anime, comics and games meaning that ‘Scott Pilgrim’ feels much more like actually watching a comic book than say, ‘The Dark Knight’. Visually, it’s an incredibly rich film. Clever details like the moment when streetlights seen through a bus window blur into hearts as Scoot looks adoringly at Ramona give the film an endearingly handmade quality.

As with Wright’s other films, the pop culture references vary from mainstream (‘Seinfeld’) to unabashedly geeky (Scott’s dream sequence features goofy tunes from the old-school ‘Legend of Zelda’). The film has a cool, eclectic soundtrack – Fun Fact: Beck composed the music played by Scott’s band, Sex Bob-omb – and gets some good laughs out of playing with some of the stereotypes of the indie crowd.

The cast and dialogue are also strong, with secondary characters really stealing the show. Chris Evans oozes smugness as action hero Lucas Lee (Evil Ex #2), and Kieran Culkin is a loveable prick as Scott’s roommate. There are loads of clever girls in the cast, particularly Anna Kendrick as Scott’s gossipy sister, Stacey, and Mae Whitman (Cera’s girlfriend on ‘Arrested Development’) in a brief turn as Roxy Richter, Ramona’s “bi-furious” former girlfriend. However, Jason Schwartzman is underutilized as Scott’s ultimate nemesis, Gideon Graves. Gideon, who looks creepily like a more indie ‘MI:2’ Tom Cruise, gets some laughs, but any fan of ‘Rushmore’ can attest to Schwartzman’s far greater capacity for odiousness.

It’s a testament to Wright’s abilities that he can make legendary geeks like Cera and Schwartzman convincing as ’64-hit combo’-executing badasses. Even so, the film’s fight sequences are simultaneously its greatest strength and weakness; granted, they’re undeniably awesome but many are simply too long. Also, the story starts to feels rushed somewhere around Ex #3, as if Wright suddenly realizes he’s only got half an hour left to tell most of his story. This leaves some poorly developed loose ends, like the Katayanagi twins (Evil Exes #5 and #6), and Scott’s own Evil Ex, Envy Adams. One suspects these characters were a lot more interesting in the comic.

It’s a shame that ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. The World’ has already pretty much ‘bob-ombed’ in the States, recouping only $11 million of its reported $60 million budget on opening weekend. You don’t need to own a PS3 or even know how to pronounce ‘anime’ to enjoy the things which make this movie such silly fun; it’s visual style is truly unlike anything else, and its deadpan one-liners will easily stick in your brain.

Jen Glennon

Films based on video games have always been notoriously noxious in quality. From ‘Super Mario Bros.’ to ‘Lara Croft: Tomb Raider’, ‘Hitman’ to ‘Max Payne’, the interactivity that works so well on an Xbox has never translated onto the silver screen with any degree of success. With ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’, director Edgar Wright seems to have come up with a solution: dispense with the video game altogether. Never has there been a more energetic, hyperactive and Nintendo-influenced film, and while its roots ostensibly lie with a cult comic book series of the same name, its biggest influences, for better and for worse, are video games.

The film follows Pilgrim (Michael Cera), the bass player for an inadequate band, Sex Bob-Omb, as he attempts to win the heart of the mysterious Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). There’s just one obstacle in his way. Well, seven, to be precise. He must defeat her past lovers, all seven of whom assemble against him as the League of Evil Exes, lead by Gideon Graves (Jason Schwartzman). As a set-up, it’s a fairly ingenious spin on the standard romantic vehicles that have begun to bog down Cera’s career, while the multiple turns that the plot takes aren’t exactly predictable.

In many ways, this film is the logical progression for Edgar Wright. He made his name back in 1999 by directing Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes’ ‘Spaced’, where his direction ensured that the TV show’s multiple pop-culture references and rip-offs were made in a reverential and skilful style on a deceptively small budget. Then came the perfectly executed ‘Shaun of the Dead’ – still the high point of his short career – followed by the slightly overindulgent ‘Hot Fuzz’, which together allowed Wright to ascend to the A-List of Hollywood directors, rubbing shoulders with Tarantino and Spielberg.

Having proved his mettle with his first two features, Wright was given a larger budget to accommodate his growing ambitions, and the result is ‘Scott Pilgrim’. However, to the surprise and disappointment of this reviewer, it’s not a film that’s easy to embrace. From the first pixellated frame to the last, the experience of viewing the film is an utterly bewildering assault on at least two of your senses, and it never allows its audience time to adjust. Although the running time stretches to almost two hours, the film could not be more enthusiastically hyperactive as it jumps from one scene to the next with smooth, rapid cuts. The camera is continually restless, as if Wright is desperate to show us something new and terrified of boring his audience. This leads to words, usually onomatopoeic, filling the screen whenever possible – if a doorbell rings, it is unfailingly accompanied by a floating ‘ding-dong’ written in the font of a comic book.

Strangely, the cumulative effect of the film’s continual efforts to entertain and surprise render the movie, as a whole, rather sterile. Music plays at all times, as if the makers were afraid of silence; never mind if a pause is meaningful, for Wright it’s not entertaining enough. One longs for just a single scene containing a comprehensible and normally paced conversation, and for the camera to remain still for more than five seconds. It’s as if a perpetually teenage Wright is dashing around his cinematic bedroom, grabbing out his favourite records, comics, films and video games, desperate to show you excerpts from every single one, with the effect being one of bewilderment or even disaffection for the viewer. It’s a film composed of bits, and seems to have been edited in chunks, with little attention being paid to the overall picture. It lacks coherence, and as the film leaps from one cartoonish fight to another, one begins to feel the urge to shake Wright violently by the shoulders and plead with him to calm down. His enthusiasm isn’t infectious, it’s just tiresome.

If the kinetic and undeniably impressive visuals of ‘Scott Pilgrim’ concealed something more substantial, the film’s hyperactivity wouldn’t create such a problem. Yet underneath all the whip-pans, floating words and vanquished foes exploding into coins Mario-style, the film is curiously hollow. This imbalance comes as somewhat of a surprise, particularly considering Wright’s previous successes: beneath the flippant comedy of ‘Shaun of the Dead’ lay a genuine and moving romance, while even ‘Hot Fuzz’ was grounded in the believable bromance between Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Here, there is none of that substance. As the film never pauses to breathe, it fails utterly to develop its characters – they remain ciphers, always playing second fiddle (or controller) to the flashily stylish visuals and pop-culture savvy dialogue. ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’ is certainly a unique experience, and aims itself fairly effectively at those who grew up with a Nintendo 64 or Sega Megadrive, yet its overall effect is a fairly numbing one. Much like the culture of video games with which it is clearly enamoured, this is a technically stunning film, but one which is impossible to love.

Ben Kirby

Review: Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky

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One might wonder why we need two biopics about Coco Chanel, and I am still left wondering after watching the latest, Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky. Fortuitously, given that it’s completely separate from last year’s Coco Before Chanel, it begins where the latter film left off. It is, however, less a biography, more a speculation, based on Chris Greenhalgh’s novel, ‘Coco and Igor’, which suggests an affair between the hard-hearted designer and the tempestuous Russian composer. It’s not quite clear how Greenhalgh managed to fill 336 pages fleshing out this rumour; presumably in the same way that the film succeeds in stretching a myriad of loaded looks and minimal dialogue over 1 hour 18 minutes.

Perhaps this is too harsh, but I certainly preferred Coco Before Chanel, despite the fact I had the misfortune of watching it with several sceptical boys. After the opening credits, the boys either swiftly fell asleep or struggled to stay awake in order to grace us with their running critical commentary. I think I preferred the sleeping kind, despite the occasional snore during the most crucial moments. Things didn’t bode well for Coco & Igor either, as my friend and I managed to book tickets for it on the sunniest, warmest evening we’d had in weeks. So I needed this film to be good, and, I admit, it was, in parts.

The opening scenes, for example, are fantastic – a wonderful performance of Stravinsky’s Rites of Spring. The experimental dancing and discordant music causes a ruckus in the audience that conveys perfectly the upheavals being made in the modernist arts of the time, and the struggle to adapt to them. Yet, in this case, it does truly seem that music speaks louder than words, as the less-than-scintillating dialogue that follows fails to live up to the initial promise. Of course, the things which are consistently fabulous are the classic Chanel clothes, many of them original thanks to the collaboration of the House of Chanel, who made available their archives and even Chanel’s Parisian apartment. Karl Lagerfield also specially created the evening dress that Coco wears to The Rites of Spring. Chanel’s Art Deco house in Garches to which she moves the Stravinsky family, is also a beautiful treat for the eyes. Needless to say, it is not a boys’ film, unless, perhaps, they wish to fast-forward to the uncomfortably explicit sex scenes, which nonetheless show off Anna Mouglalis’s (Romanzo Criminale, Gainsbourg) gorgeous yet achingly thin body.

A few words on Mouglalis, who, poor thing, unexpectedly had to follow in the footsteps of the gamine Audrey Tautou, who only a year previously had been praised as ‘the perfect Coco’. In terms of looks, she more than holds her own, with immaculate lips, dark eyes and an inscrutable face; appropriate for a character that shows barely a hint of emotion during the film, and a wonderfully deep and Gîtane-roughened voice. In terms of performance, however, it quickly becomes apparent that she is definitely a model first, actress second. She doesn’t have the luck of Tautou either, in that she has to play a Coco Chanel rendered even more frosty and indifferent by grief at the loss of her one love, Boy Capel, the First World War, and runaway success in the Parisian fashion scene.

The truth is that Chanel was not a likeable woman, which renders the question of the need for two biopics about her even more pressing. She is utterly manipulative; her invitation to the Stravinskys to stay in her house, her dances with the children on their first night there, are all part of a cold-hearted plan to seduce Igor (Mads Mikkelsen, best known as’Le Chiffre’ in Casino Royale). She indeed succeeds in doing this, in front of his consumptive, and creepily eyebrow-less wife, no less. These two strong minds conduct an affair which nonetheless seems to lack strong emotion, apart from when they’re arguing – Igor notably calls Coco a “shopkeeper”. Indeed, this outburst constitutes one of the few moments in this film which involves more than minimum dialogue and a small helping of action. The rest meanders along with little storyline in sight, culminating in a fragmented, rushed ending that leaves us in the happy knowledge that both Coco and Igor died alone and, undoubtedly, miserable.

Come and watch this film for a gorgeous woman, stunning clothes, unbelievably chic interior design, a mixed French and Russian script, and the initial, superb ballet-scene. The kaleidoscope graphics that form the background to the opening credits are splendidly done too; although the fact that I remember them as a high-point would seem to reflect badly on the film itself. In the end, if you’re looking for substance or any kind of plot, you might want to take a look at the likes of Inception instead.

The Glory Game: An introduction

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“The great fallacy is that the game is first and last about winning. It’s nothing of the kind. The game is about glory. It is about doing things in style, with a flourish, about going out to beat the other lot, not waiting for them to die of boredom.”

In this quote Danny Blanchflower, captain of the ground breaking Tottenham Hotspur team of the 1960s, encapsulates everything that makes sport worth watching. The pursuit of glory is what thrills us about sport– it is one of the few constants that can be found at all levels of sport; the potential for glory is always there.

In this blog I want to celebrate this fundamental aspect of sport, which many would argue is being increasingly marginalised by the pressures of money. However, without those who innovate, intrigue and excite in order to win games sport is no longer watchable or entertaining. Following this year’s football world cup in South Africa kids in parks across the world are trying to emulate Tshabalala’s stunning opening goal, not Paraguay’s defensive discipline. We watch sport to be excited by brilliance or absorbing competition – not to see negative tactics which provide results.

As Earl Warren claimed in the quote I used to introduce this blog, “the sports page records accomplishment; the front page man’s failures.” Even when focussing on failure, the nature of sporting competition necessitates success somewhere. The numerous articles bemoaning England’s depressingly useless performance in the last 16 of the World Cup have as an undercurrent the story of the inspirational success of a youthful and exhilarating German team. Achievement and glory are never far away in any element of sport.

The universal popularity of sport at all levels in every society is inextricaly linkd to the idea of glory. The greats of sporting competition, whose achievements and style will always be remembered, are fundamentally inspired by glory – being the best in a manner which elevates their achievements to more than the list of medals they won or the amount of money they earned. The game is about glory.

A* offers favour independent school pupils

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Oxford’s decision not to make offers for places based on the new A* grade at A level seemed justified yesterday, as it emerged that privately educated students were significantly more likely to achieve the new top grade than those at state schools.

Early indications suggest that pupils at private schools were this year three times more likely to receive the A* grade than those not paying for their education. 30% of the total number of A* grades went to pupils at private schools, despite their accounting for only 14% of entries. Comprehensive schools also achieved 30% of the A* grades, but they accounted for 43% of entries.

One student, who will begin studying medicine at Oxford in October, said, “I received four A*s, but I am glad that my offer did not put additional pressure on me to achieve them. I didn’t think I would do this well, and would have been devastated to miss out on my place.”

Only four universities – Cambridge, UCL, Imperial and Warwick – opted for offers including the A* grade this year. Cambridge, which made most students an offer of A*AA this year, said when adopting the measure that it would also be making “non-standard” offers to students whose background merited them, including to those whose schools did not have a history of sending pupils on to higher education.

Secret diary of a windsurfing instructor

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Getting a job at a well-known watersports centre in a hot, sunny and windy holiday destination? No problem. Surviving shit banter, predatory female clients and an endless onslaught of mosquitoes? More difficult – this is the Secret Diary of a Windsurfing Instructor.

Week 2: Right. So it turns out my skin doesn’t much like absorbing sun cream. It’s not as if it comes off easily – it just sits there, resisting my best efforts to rub it in, resulting in me strolling down to the beach plastered in swathes of white streaks.

No big deal you may think – everyone has to wear the stuff and we all look a little silly when it is not rubbed in properly. Unfortunately I also happen to be naturally olive-skinned, which has only ever been an advantage, until now. From the very first day I’ve found that leaving a residual layer of cream on top of the nicely tanned base leaves my legs a decidedly unattractive shade of purple, much to the amusement of my colleagues. Cue beach hut banter, which ranged from the initially tentative; ‘What is wrong with your legs?!’ to; ‘Mate your legs look like they’re going to fall off’. To which I replied, ‘Your Mum’s purple.’ Classic. All credit to them, it was several days before they unanimously agreed upon the both witty and relevant nickname of ‘Avatar’. I was being compared to a Disney-born CGI cash cow, and was I proud of it?

Of course I was. It turns out that acquiring a nickname is a rite of passage on the beach. To be new and nameless is to be invisible, and any name, good or bad, is the ultimate form of welcoming into the fray. Besides, it could be worse – I could be the guy they called Two Pumps because, well, I’ll let you use work that one out yourself. Answers on a postcard (or in the comments section of course.)

Out here there is only really one bar-cum-club that serves as the only the place to go for both clients and instructors. With its monotonous drone of repetitive dance music ringing in my ears after just a couple of weeks, it was pretty clear that something had to be done to spice up the nightlife. During one particularly stale night, myself and my roommate approached the revered spot that was the DJ booth. In a rush of spontaneity, we relieved the regulars from their duties, and soon we were spending entire nights out manning the decks.

Whenever I mention this to folk back at home the typical response is, ‘What, so they’re letting you choose the songs that come on?’ as if we were on some kind of glorified jukebox. The idea that it’s just a case of ‘picking a few club songs’ pretty much disintegrates after a five hour stint in the booth, but it’s not even trying to fill several hours with banging tunes without repetition, hesitation or deviation that’s the challenge.

Admittedly when we first started we were pretty happy-go-lucky in our approach, but all too soon we became aware of the constant pressure on the DJ to come up with the goods every night. Any proper DJ (i.e. not us) will tell you that the audience is a highly sensitive and needy beast which requires a great deal of care and attention. Before you can start cranking the real bangers, the atmosphere needs to be gradually built up with less aggressive tunes. It’s a very delicate procedure that I started to visualise as an extended form of foreplay between us and the rest of the club. Although, this may have been something to do with the fact that the potential for schmoozing is very limited when you’re cramped up in a tiny box with a computer, miles from the dancefloor. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that if you don’t schmooze, you lose. But anyway. So when some loud mouth frat boy rolls up to the booth with a request for some god-awful generic US hip-hop, it was never going to go down well. Despite my insistence that it would (might) get played later at a more suitable time, the douche didn’t quite seem to grasp the concept of ‘waiting’ and persisted;

‘Man, people are gonna love this one, I promise you!’ Really?

‘Nah nah dude, it’ll totally go well after this one!’ Really?

If you ever find yourself in this situation with someone in the future, I urge you to stop at this juncture. Regrettably, the joker in question didn’t seem to pick up on the warning signs, and on his fourth successive visit in as many songs, I snapped. ‘Request this,’ I shouted over the massive tune I’d just dropped, and dropped trou. Fully.

‘Whoa, ahh man!’

‘Are you jealous? I’d understand – I’m jealous and it’s mine…’

‘Brah, I don’t know about you but I’m not into that kinda thing. Like I’m sure that how you get your rocks off but that’s not for me man’ (leaves).

For some reason he didn’t come back, which was a shame as I was literally just about to play his song. Maybe.

The real Serge Gainsbourg?

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Serge Gainsbourg did nothing to help reverse the French stereotype. He smoke, drank and sleazed heavily, and with an arrogance and aloofness that earned him adoration in his homeland, but alienated most people outside France. His life certainly had its rock-star crises, not least the moment when he told Whitney Houston on live television that he wanted to fuck her (YouTube it). Yet Gainsbourg: Vie Heroïque forgoes the histrionics of the conventional rock biopic: unlike Ray or La Vie en Rose, it doesn’t squeeze every last drop of melodrama out of its subject’s life. First-time director Joann Sfar skirts around the break-ups with Brigitte Bardot (Laetitia Casta) and Jane Birkin (Lucy Gordon), and ends the narrative before the songwriter’s last erratic years of alcoholism. Instead, he preserves the cool and charismatic Gainsbourg (Eric Elmosnino) in a sequence of scenes that show him singing, smoking, drinking and sleazing.

But are we watching the real Gainsbourg? Significantly, Sfar opens the film with his Jewish upbringing in Nazi France. The young Lucien Ginsburg (a strong Kacey Mottet Klein) reacts to the anti-Semitic authorities with characteristic defiance and impudence – he is first in line to collect his star of David badge, whereupon he boasts to the officer that he has a Nazi friend at the art academy; but he is dogged by an awareness of his Jewishness, and the outsider status that it entails. This self-consciousness continues into adulthood, even after Lucien adopts the more stage-friendly name Serge Gainsbourg: in his boldest move, Sfar creates a sinister puppet-like alter ego with exaggerated “Jewish” features, and has it follow the adult Gainsbourg for most of the film. Gainsbourg therefore cannot escape his self-image of the “ugly outcast”, and instead decides to filter it into his rock-star persona (which he names Gainsbarre). We see Gainsbourg irreverently recording a reggae version of “La Marseillaise”, and the controversy that it provokes: the songwriter, though thoroughly French, is keen to remain on the fringes of society.

The clue is in the film’s subtitle: “a fairytale by Joann Sfar”. As he admits (in a quote that appears before the end credits), Sfar is “more interested in Gainsbourg’s lies than his truths”. This affords the former graphic novelist a certain stylistic, as well as narrative, flexibility; hence the alter ego’s features, the animated opening credits, the Moulin Rouge hues. The film is the better for it. But more importantly, the quote betrays Sfar’s real interest: in Gainsbourg as a persona. Gainsbourg the arrogant, aloof star is constantly tested against reality – his Jewish heritage, his ugliness, his general lack of self-confidence – but the persona is only reinforced as the film progresses, until the puppet-like alter ego disappears around forty-five minutes before the end. What’s left behind is a rock star caricature who wears shades indoors and is almost too cool to have sex anymore. A product of Gainsbourg’s lies?

All is not lost – A celebration of alternative music festivals

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On meeting a self-proclaimed music enthusiast at a concert last week, my effusing about this year’s Glastonbury festival was met with the response ‘all music festivals are crap’. Although admiring his bold conversational technique, I wanted badly to disagree with his sentiment. But sadly, it is not just my new acquaintance who sees the festival season as a time for despair; his attitude is shared by many fans of alternative music genres (by alternative, I’m talking about anything you definitely wouldn’t find in the top 40 on a Sunday evening).

I concede that with the exception of Glastonbury, the major music festivals seem to have jettisoned the free spirited, and new-music promoting ethos that they espoused at their inceptions, favouring instead unethical corporate sponsorship and line-ups wholly saturated by the most vomit-inducing bubble-gum pop, or worse, Pete Doherty centred re-unions.

Perhaps the bitterest of blows came to alternative festival goers earlier in the year when the bastion of electronic music platforms, Glade Festival, (a spin off festival of the Glade district in Glastonbury) announced its 2010 cancellation, citing irrational policing restrictions and unreasonable price-hikes as reasons for the decision. To the despondent, the cancellation of Glade, which was borne out of ‘a love of electronic music, free spiritedness and alternative culture’, represented the death of the real music festival.

But these people are wrong; I propose that the ‘alternative’ festival is an institution more fruitful than ever – one simply has to look in the right places. What’s more, the best of the year’s are still to come this summer. For those who crave the experimental, perhaps the most satisfying event is Birmingham’s Supersonic Festival. Held in the city’s artistic epicenter, The Custard Factory, Supersonic is entering its eighth year this October, and is showcasing a line up of unrivaled gravity in the left-field music scene.

Supersonic Festival utilises converted factory warehouses and art galleries, making it, I think, one of the more interesting settings for a festival in the UK. And it’s not just the venue that makes Supersonic the antithesis of V; the musical line up is decidedly fascinating. It boasts a bunch of names that the average Joe would never had heard of, and granted, some are a little obtuse for my liking, but acts like Peter Broderick and People Like Us are bound to make the event a goer. As a resident of the West Midlands myself, one of the most refreshing things about Supersonic is its facility for breathing life into an ever diminishing alternative music scene within the second city – this, a cause for celebration in itself.

For music that doesn’t spawn from a western tradition, a remarkable event is The African Music Festival in London, which, also in its eighth year, is held at several venues across the city, the principal one being The Festival Hall. The most outstanding feature of this festival is its musical authenticity. The majority of (the few) festivals that don’t neglect non-western music entirely tend to feature just watered-down, westernized acts, that draw only slightly on eastern flavours, and who they present under the ubiquitous, lazy and frankly meaningless ‘world music’ banner. To this, The African Music Festival, whose roster features genuine African musicians playing genuinely African music, is a viable antidote.

So far so good. Perhaps with this selection of musical feasts my festival-hating friend might begin to come round. But for some people, despite the overwhelming musical credibility of the aforementioned events, there is a component missing – the traditional festival spirit: the camping, the parties, the living it rough – the carnival experience.

For many, however good the line up, a music festival isn’t a music festival without such a vibe, and for these people I offer Stop Making Sense festival. Stop Making Sense, for me the most exciting festival of the summer, is situated on the coast of Croatia, and promises spirit in abundance. The inaugural party held in the first week of September involves round-the-clock clubs and regular boat parties – all in a pretty idyllic place.

However, the most remarkable thing about SMS is its relative diversity of line up. To date, most alternative festivals focus solely (albeit brilliantly) on a specific niche; Glade, for example, would have a comprehensive roster of everyone who is anyone within electronica. But SMS delves into the niches of further spanning sub-genres. Its organisers boast an expansive soundtrack touching upon as far ranging fields as flamenco, balearic, techno and psychedelic. It has an impressive line-up, with Radioclit, Django Django and Richard Norris all making appearances, making Stop Making Sense a very worthwhile go-to for any Eastern Europe travelers or people looking for a good time (ironically, a go-to that makes a lot of sense).

So, fans of alternative music genres needn’t despair when it comes to festival season each summer. There are evidently copious opportunities to see interesting music in interesting places, whilst still enjoying the festival atmosphere. Of course, if you’d rather go the other way, then do so, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when Pete Doherty doesn’t show up.

Oh shut up…

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I care very little about why Tony Blair is giving his book proceeds to charity. The simple fact is that when I buy his book I no longer do so to fund his retirement, but the rehabilitation of severely injured war heroes. That book will pay for at least half of a centre to help those who bore the greatest costs of conflict.

I know the press would have nothing to do if it wasn’t hating on politicians, and I know Blair’s still an easy target, but there is just bigger news to cover than this amateur psycho-analysis of charitable donation. Everyone gives to charity because it benefits them: whether that be because they feel an obligation to help; want some kind of personal gratification; or are just guilty for past deeds. Blair has his reason, it matters very little what it might be.

The university places surplus

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Many students opening their brown envelopes on Thursday will find inside confirmation that they are one of the 70,000 hopefuls who will not be getting a place at university this year. David Lammy, Labour’s former Universities Minister, calls it the alienation “of an entire generation”. On the other hand, it may turn out we’ve done them a favour.

Governments and ministers have for years fed schoolchildren a disastrous lie – that you should go to university. They have been told that if you are clever, and if you want to succeed, then a degree is something you unquestionably must have in your pocket. An ambitious generation who annually outwit their markschemes and astound their parents (“exams must be getting easier”) take the bait, log into UCAS, and sign themselves up for £25,000 debt before they’ve ever earned a pay cheque or paid a month’s rent.

There are two lies they bite on: that university must be for them, and that university will get them a job. The first is easy to understand. Labour introduced, well before the secondary school careers of today’s students, a target of getting 50% of pupils into a university. Last year 49.8% of students got five A*-C grade GCSEs including English and Maths. If you’re an aspirational pupil in that group you’re going to believe that you should be going to university. Sadly that’s not necessarily the case. Most people don’t want to spend three years studying French by themselves in a library with six hours contact time a week. But universities, keen to cash in on the government’s previously open cheque, have brought out a whole host of more exciting degrees to entice in the masses.

The problem is not with these courses being studied, but with wedging them into a totally unsuitable system. Essentially interactive subjects are not suited to the lonely library life of the academic hermit, and this is why the facade so easily crumbles. Students realise it’s not for them, and they drop out. Almost 9% of those beginning courses in 2007 had left by the end of the academic year. The ones that leave are likely to be those with the funds or contacts to leave the security of a student loan, and pay off a year’s fees despite nothing to show for them. Those that stay are the ones caught up in the second lie, that university will find them a job.

What school leavers need is not an increase in university places, expanding in scope and volume whenever the graduate job market gets harsher. What they need is an escape route from a centralised system that files them in one of two drawers: ‘graduate’ or ‘non-graduate’; and attaches to those the labels ‘clever’ and ‘stupid’. They need an end to policy that reduces them to a target and a beginning of the chance to be a person. Essential for this is viable vocational alternatives, so that taking a different qualification or course is no longer sneered at by their ‘better educated’ peers. Vocational should also be treated to mean more than just manual work. Business, finance, administration – they’re all vocations and should all be able to be studied practically, not just academically.

We should not deny that our universities face problems. We just must not pretend that they are easy ones. The number of people who cannot find a place in clearing this week is about the number we would normally expect to drop out within a year. To claim that our universities have too few places would be misguided. The truth is they have too many.

UPDATE: Figures out today show 19% of undergraduates completing their degrees were unsatisfied with the experience. (18/08/2010)

Bali Babes ’10

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It’s 2 in the morning. I’m on Asia’s answer to Easy Jet. Yet somewhere over the airwaves comes the chirpy, “Welcome to Paradise Island”. The plethora of wailing babies suggested otherwise, but we had made it- Bali.

I went travelling this summer with four old friends from school, the inspiration behind this (deliberately) cringe title. I say travelling, but in reality ‘holidaying’ would probably be more accurate- backpacks and hiking boots had certainly been replaced by wheeled suitcases and flip-flops. We had planned 10 days in Bali, split across the lairy capital, Kuta, and the more picturesque region of Nusa Dua. This wasn’t our first time away together, we’d always been culture vultures; our trip to Magaluf after A-levels is a case in point. Sadly our holiday plans have never qualified in that unique category either- Magaluf was packed to the rafters (of the booze cruise) with Brits, and I’ve heard many are going out to Bali this year. So I thought I’d give you the low-down on Bali…. And even if you’re not heading out, I’m sure there will be some universally useless advice given. Throw out your Lonely Planet and get reading this guide.

Money

The rupiah and I did not get on. With 1,000 rupiah translating to roughly 10p, the mental mathematician is a strong asset to any group- make sure you befriend one and invite them out with you. The only bonus to this insane currency is the feeling of being a millionaire, but that quickly passes. We didn’t only have problems doing the maths between us; it was when our money troubles involved the locals that things got sticky. Indeed, having just hailed a cab after a night out in Kuta, with some members of our group slightly worse for wear, we learned this lesson the hard way. We didn’t suspect the driver- he was small, very round and hiding behind such a strong moustache that I feared for his respiration- but fraudsters come in all shapes and sizes, and apparently with varying degrees of facial hair. We gathered our money and paid the driver the agreed 30,000 rupiah (roughly 3 pounds), but no no, this man was demanding 300,000- ten times our expected rate. And of course, due to the alcohol and arithmetic situation one of us might have promised him the wrong amount. But if you’re going to take one thing from this article it should be the knowledge that in Bali a promise is a PROMISE. Just as I began negotiations with the driver: “Look. We normally pay £2 (20,000) for this journey, we’ve only been to one bar, we’re not drunk enough to agree to a £30 (300,000) bill”, I hear screeches in the background from some very ‘respectable’ friends, “You knoooob. Knoooobbbs. We hate you.” Apparently the driver didn’t buy the ‘we’re not that drunk’ line, I can’t think why. Negotiations were over- a fond farewell to thirty pounds.

Out ‘nd about

If you’re looking for nightlife, Kuta is the place to visit. With numerous bars, clubs, karaoke bars and even a shipwreck (a purpose built structure offering another club, not a piece of history), it’s got it all. To stay on the safe side I believe it’s advised not to drink local alcohol to avoid ‘Bali belly’, but the mainstream brands are available if you ask. A personal favourite spot was the club ‘Bounty’ -the shipwreck- and in particular its accompanying bar. This bar serves its drinks in sports water bottles which allow big moves on the dance floor, yet minimal spillage. Moreover, in one corner of the club a charming piece of ‘statement’ furniture can be found, a cage, which gives the perfect opportunity for some up close and personal gyrating, or an insight into the feelings of a dancing prisoner. Kuta nightlife is heavily dominated by Australians, as Bali is far more accessible to those down-under, so if you’re aiming to bag yourself a Nicole Kidman or Hugh Jackman then you may well find them on the Balinese dance floor… or in Australia, maybe just go there.

Beaches

Bali offers some of the finest beaches in the world and Nusa Dua certainly did not disappoint. White sand, blue seas and clear skies- this was the “Paradise Island” that the flight attendant had mentioned. Jimbaran beach would be a particular recommendation for a less commercialised beauty and more authentic food. If you want to avoid over populated beaches certainly do not visit Kuta’s; sitting at the edge of the town, the crowded streets seem to pour out onto it. Plus, in the daytime, the hagglers from the town patrol the shores- an area which leads us seamlessly onto our next sub-heading…

Haggling

If a haggler says to you: “Sexy price. I love you”, he almost certainly does not love you, but wants you to buy a ‘real Chanel’ handbag that is actually a Sainsbury’s plastic bag. There are plenty of ‘Rolexes’, ‘Ray bans’ and ‘real leather handbags’ on the stalls flanking the streets of the Balinese towns- the credit crunch has clearly hit these quality brands with designer sunglasses for sale at two pounds. Remarkable. If you’re not interested on what’s on offer, be quick to walk away- lingering can lead to unfortunate situations; after an episode of this kind a man followed me down a street poking my back with a bottle opener… in the shape of a penis. Note to any guys reading this: girls do not enjoy that sort of humour, move on.

Elephants

One real treat in Bali is the endangered elephant sanctuary. This sanctuary has the largest number of rescued Sumatran elephants in the world, and I would really recommend spending a day there. The sanctuary is situated deep in the rainforest with buildings tottering on stilts, and the elephants happily roam the green space, rather than being chained-up or penned-in in small cages. The shelter gives visitors the opportunity to take a ride around the park on an elephant, but not just any old elephant, this is meet and greet time. Like a very bizarre first date, you find out the basics about your animal: our elephant was Melanie, aged 24, still single, and still looking for ‘the one’. She was just another girl doing her thing -as she waved her trunk at me, I knew we’d be friends for life… or something sentimental like that.

All in all, Bali is a peculiar mix; it combines immense natural beauty with the tackiness of a velour tracksuit; the most tranquil beaches with nightlife akin to Fuzzy Ducks. With only 10 days on the island, I’m not sure that I sought out all the hidden treasures- Bali boasts several beautiful temples and ancient settlements that I wish I’d had time to explore. With hostels and even fairly luxurious hotels at brilliant prices, it’s the perfect place to go with friends, but if you’re looking to go away for a more enlightening trip, there’s plenty on offer too.