Saturday 5th July 2025
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Cherwell’s New Year’s Resolutions

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According to The Daily Telegraph, less than 1 in 10 people stick to their New Year’s resolutions, but this doesn’t stop millions of us from looking back at the triumphs and mistakes of the previous year, and resolving to change for the better. So, in the spirit of misguided optimism, here’s a list of our resolutions based on the hits and misses of 2009.

Happy 2010!

DOs...

Do stop fretting about life after graduation and how to repay your student debt. Instead, apply to be a hotshot journalist. Find a scandalous story that will outrage Daily Mail readers (if not make it up), conduct a successful investigation and leak out tantalising parts of the results everyday in the paper. The MPs’ expenses scandal pushed the Daily Telegraph’s circulation up by more than 600,000 copies. Boost in sales means a pay rise. A sure get rich quick strategy.

Do be Alan Bennett. The playwright, novelist

and National Treasure who has bequeathed his whole set of works to the 
Bodleian Library, celebrated his 75th birthday this year, and accordingly the BBC commissioned god-knows-how-many programmes about this northern star, each one of them excellent. 2009 also saw the long-awaited premiere of The Habit of Art about the relationship between composer Benjamin Britten and poet W.H. Auden which won rave reviews, and for which tickets are seemingly sold out until next April!

Do shut down your facebook and twitter accounts. Mandelson’s plans to force students to complete three-year degrees in two years means a race against the clock. No time for facebook pokes, stalking of exes and oh-so-meaningful tweets.

Do protest. Oxford student protests over climate change, Gaza and the University’s unethical investments (amongst many others) have not claimed any world-changing successes this year. However, they are a lot of fun, they get otherwise pasty-faced workaholics out of the library and into some proper sunshine and, if you’re lucky, you might be involved in one of the really cool ones, like scaling Didcot power station. (Though perhaps stay away from any protest where the main event is the occupation of Magdalen roundabout. In the rain.) Plus they make you feel less guilty next time you drive to the corner-shop to pick up the paper.

Do put two fingers up to the trendy, moody, thick-rimmed glasses wearing, elitest colossuses of wankerdom who force “edgy”, “cool” and “alternative” plays upon their long-suffering friends by staging a musical, as Alice Hamilton did (West Side Story), at the Playhouse, and packing the 600 seater place to the fucking rafters every single evening. This masterstroke of programming, called by one hard-to-impress reviewer “the second best thing I’ve ever seen in Oxford”, showed that you don’t have to adapt Kafka for mime-artists or stage a puppet show version of Paradise Lost in Latin to win both critical and popular acclaim in this city.

Do be a historian. According to that incredibly scientific study back in Trinity, the Cherwell sex survey, historians have the most sex, and Somerville and New students are the most promiscuous. Also, do be gay. Homosexual students are more likely to get firsts, apparently. However, way too many Oxford students are having unprotected sex, including around half of our survey respondents. If you’re smart enough to get into Oxford, you should be smart enough to find yourself a condom: do use protection!

Do make enthusiastic promises to yourself about the amount of exercise you are going to do this year. Write a jogging timetable. Buy expensive running gear. Eat a diet of only Special K, varied with ‘interesting’ salads and steamed vegetables. Then give it up, two weeks in, safe in the knowledge that 75% of all those who made New Year’s resolutions will give up too.

DON’Ts…

Don’t buy anything by Damien Hirst. Ever. The most noir of my various artistic betes had yet another great year, raking in millions and millions for his mass-produced tat. It’s a shame that away from the circles of Bollinger swilling, Chanel clad, chauffeur-driven cashpoints on legs his reputation as the man responsible for the decline in modern art was cemented this year by an almost universally derided exhibition. He also showed what yobbish prima donna he really is, when he threatened to sue an entrepreneurial 16-year-old who used an image of his diamond-encrusted skull, For the Love of God, to create a collage to sell on the internet.

Don’t write a horridly inaccurate, inconsistent and irrelevant article about something that’s actually pretty amazing, then attempt to soften the edges of your juggernaut-journalism by putting a picture of Henry the Hoover on your front page. When the Ashmolean re-opened, a couple of galleries were still being installed. That’s all. The way OxStu handled this story, one would think that most of the floor was missing, or that builders were still sat around using priceless sarcophagi as tea-tables.

Don’t be a politician. No one likes Gordon Brown, Barack Obama has lost that star quality after a year wrestling with an unruly Congress and even golden boy David ‘Dave’ Cameron was forced to apologise after inexp

licably claiming wisteria removal on his expenses. Apart from Silvio Berlusconi – apparently the man can get away with saying anything. Actually, that’s not quite true… even he was hospitalised after having a souvenir of Milan cathedral thrown at his luminous face.

Don’t start a smear campaign against your peers. The only thing more pathetic than a Union hack using their 15th profile on OxGoss to slag off their competition is the poor student journo taking their posts seriously. OUSU hacks trawled new depths of pettiness last term when Barclay and Leeper’s teams tried to get each other fined every time an Oxford student logged onto facebook during the campaign.  And it can all end so terribly, as it did for Ruth Padel after Cherwell reported on a smear campaign against Derek Walcott which forced her rival to withdraw himself from the race for Professor of Poetry. In the end she had to resign over it. Honestly, when will we learn to play nice?

Don’t text if you are doing something you shouldn’t – SMS messages are the ultimate evidence. Tiger Woods must deeply regret his saucy messages to 11 very well endowed white blonde women. Both Gilette and Accenture terminated their advertising contracts and the revelations were December’s topic number one for a dinner party conversation.

Don’t eat at Jamal’s, even when you’ve given up the traditional New Year’s diet. Not unless you’re not expecting to keep the food down very long, i.e. you’re on a crew date. It is one of the many restaurants round Oxford which, despite the Council giving them zero stars out of five in their food hygiene inspection, is being kept open by student trade, much to the annoyance of local residents. Though if you’re at Balliol, you might want to avoid hall food too after their kitchens were revealed to have the worst health and safety report of all Oxford colleges. Others to steer clear of include Mansfield and Pembroke, after a Cherwell investigation threw light on their pest control problems. Domino’s pizza, anyone?

Don’t listen to people who tell you January is depressing. Another year until you have to stress about what to buy/use the ‘what a lovely present’ face/play board games with the extended family. Wahey! Also, no more listening to your mum’s Rod Stewart CD – or if you have parents with even less taste, perhaps it was the dreaded Cliff Richard. Congratulate yourself on another Christmas survived and look forward to the New Year. Besides, it’s almost time to return to the land of Ox, where you don’t have time to be miserable – there is always a friendly essay deadline to look forward to.

Don’t complain about your Collections. We all have them, and you’re making me feel guilty. We all know someone who has been working all holiday while the rest of us lounged around on the sofa for 5 weeks, occasionally flicking through Descartes and planning to think profound thoughts. 0th week is revision week. That’s why it’s called 0th week.

 

‘On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… an E-card?’

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Who doesn’t love a Christmas card? They’re one of the most cheery aspects of the festive season – a personal little note from someone you know and care about at this special time of year.

OK, that probably sounds utterly twee, but there is no denying that Christmas cards make us happy and that everyone, yes, everyone, wants to receive them. Pop them on the mantelpiece, pin them on your notice board: wherever they go they brighten up and cheer up even the most humbuggish of us. Yet there is a terrible danger threatening our beloved, glittery messages of Christmassy cheer.

A general lack of card-sending enthusiasm is sweeping the world. With the progression of modern technology the paper card is gradually fading away. The number of cards received, on average, by American households has fallen from 29 in 1987 to 20 in 2004. Texting, social networking sites and (the ultimate enemy) E-cards have reduced the importance of the traditional Christmas card. Faster, cheaper and certainly more eco-friendly, electronically sent ‘Season’s Greetings’ are gaining popularity.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no way that I want to sound remotely ungrateful for whatever form of Christmas message I get, but there is something extra special about a handwritten card with which a jolly bit of WordArt from the internet can never compete. That someone has bothered to think of you and take the time to post you something, in an age where everything and everyone always seems to be in such a hurry is, I would argue, part of the true spirit of Christmas. That personal touch makes them all the more important and meaningful.

There’s something rather lovely about a card. It is a throwback to a bygone age – where people actually had to go to the bother of purchasing a stamp instead of a mere click of a button and an instant message popping up onscreen. We might picture the Jane Austen heroine scribbling away and poring over a wax-sealed parchment. Imagine Lizzie Bennet reading an E-Card from Mr Darcy! I don’t think so! The essence of the effort and personal touch of the handwritten has far more magic than a bland Times New Roman font on a screen. Reading an email feels far more like work than pleasure!

It is the Jane Austen idea of letter writing that attracts many of us, I suppose. The Tradition is all part of Christmas and it’s sad to think that cards might possibly in a few decades cease to exist altogether. This is why, dear reader, I hope you will take on board my words – save the Christmas card! With Oxford terms being so short it is even more crucial for us to be organised; my cry to you is ‘Pidge it Please!’ Next Christmas, in the first week of December, make a list, buy some cards and do a pidge drop around the city. Everyone appreciates something a little different in their post – how wonderful it would be to discover waiting for you not a freshly marked essay on the last few days of term, but a Christmas card!

As for the artistically talented amongst us there is absolutely no excuse – use your skills to create your own, handcrafted personalised cards. There is of course the argument that cards are an utter waste of paper, and that E-cards are far better for the environment. But if this is weighing on your mind give it not one more thought! If it will ease your conscience why not recycle the cards you yourself receive? Throughout January, WH Smith, TX Maxx and Marks & Spencer are running such schemes in association with The Woodland Trust. Equally you can do a good deed by choosing a charity card. Cancer Research, the RSPCA and many more organisations produce their own cards for Christmas – if there is a charity close to your heart why not support them at the same time?

You may well laugh at my over-enthusiasm but just think about it. How would it be if no one bothered? Just imagine if, this Christmas, you had not received a single card – no one had remembered or thought of you. A sad thought isn’t it?

Or do you perhaps agree with that famous crusher of Christmas spirit, Mr ‘Bah Humbug’ himself? As Charles Dickens wrote “If I could work my will,” said Scrooge indignantly, “every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ upon his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”

Book Review: Wolf Hall

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Let’s get this established straight off: there is not that much wrong with Wolf Hall. Indeed, its success can only be a good thing: in a bestsellers chart containing Dan Brown’s latest thrilling ride through the Microsoft Word thesaurus, another dose of mawkishness from Audrey Niffenegger and a pararomance by some American woman called Stephanie Meyer, Mantel is about the only literary author holding her own. This book deserves its commercial pulling power.

We follow the rise and rise of Henry VIII’s adviser Thomas Cromwell, later the Earl of Essex, from a position literally face-down in the Putney dirt to the very top of the greasy pole of the Tudor court. Mantel strolls through sixteenth-century England like a master-gardener through an arboretum, breathing life everywhere she steps: Wolf Hall teems with richness and curiosity like a lovingly-tended period garden. Cromwell’s own character is robust and irresistibly likeable, and by his side we meet some skillfully drawn background figures, most notably a stormy Henry Tudor and a Thomas More who has received a total overhaul since A Man for All Seasons and reappears as a cruel, manipulative and yet oddly sympathetic player in the great game. There are fun cameos, too, from the the likes of the poet Thomas Wyatt and the painter Hans Holbein. The subtle clockwork mechanisms of court politics click and whirr around brilliant components, and the conversation alternately crackles with static energy or purrs with smoothness. Mantel has fine-tuned her machine beautifully.

This same niceness and vivacity run throughout the storytelling. There is no grandstanding here: when Cromwell’s young family is obliterated by the sweating-sickness, the pathos is of a variety so delicate as to be almost mundane. The tale progresses like music, with an adroit mastery of tone – sadness bleeding into bittersweet humour fluttering into menace – and of focus, as the intensely personal suddenly jerks into the greater scheme of the nation before slipping back to a small child again. This is all told in a prose style that will admit no commonplaces: Mantel can be blunt, she can be poetic, she can be complex, but she is always elegant and entertaining.

And yet – and yet. If you are just looking for a good read, you should probably stop reading this review now and go and buy the book. Still reading? Then hear me out, because, for all its many virtues – and you’ve heard me sing ’em tunefully enough – Wolf Hall just doesn’t quite satisfy. This is for two reasons. The first is that if Mantel does not write commonplaces, she thinks commonplaces: you’ll learn nothing new here. Wolf Hall makes no intellectual demands on the reader, and so offers no intellectual profit. Mantel has written a modern book about the sixteenth century that casts little light on the the Tudors or on us. The book is not “meticulously researched,” as one reviewer raves, but merely adequately researched. Mantel catches the social moment well enough – as we would expect from the author who spent nigh on twenty years preparing her French Revolution novel A Place of Greater Safety – but passes the Renaissance by. The correspondence between More and Erasmus, the Italy of Pacioli and da Vinci, even the theological fulminations of Luther: all are so much ambient background, and no more. Wolf Hall doesn’t feel like its period. To judge by the way the characters think, speak and act, they are twenty-first century men under sixteenth-century constraints – Cromwell himself is anachronistically liberal in his personal outlook.

Is Mantel, then, holding up what another reviewer calls “a dark mirror…to our own world”? Not really, unless you mean that she is being brutally honest about realpolitik and, yes, that realpolitik happens nowadays too. Even then, the unflappably humane Cromwell bears more resemblance to Merlin than to Malcolm Tucker; Wolf Hall is hardly a satire on contemporary politics or society. It professes to depict a world in which homo homini lupus, man is a wolf to man – hence the title – a world of “inveterate scrappers. Wolves snapping over a carcase. Lions fighting over Christians”, and yet these wolves are tame even in comparison to a Frank Herbert novel. Mantel isn’t trying to say anything significant; rather, she is simply fascinated by her characters and her story.

The second reason why Wolf Hall grates is its construction. Frankly, it has no plot to speak of, just an endless succession of problems and solutions. Can Cromwell fix it? Yes, once again, he can. Cardinal Wolsey’s slide from grace at the start of the novel seems to augur tragedy on the most massive scale – as does the opening quote from Vitruvius, drawing the distinction between tragedy, comedy and the satyr play – but we finish in 1534, six years short of Cromwell’s execution, with his star firmly in the ascendant. Cromwell, moreover, has no real defects, and only develops in the most superficial fashion. The first two hundred pages are gripping, but I was really quite pleased with myself for making it through the next four hundred. Word has it that Mantel is planning a sequel to cover the latter half of Cromwell’s career, but if this book is read alone – and it was as a standalone book that it was awarded the super-duper-prestigious Booker Prize – it’s a bit uneventful, to be quite candid.

So take it as you will. If you want something undemanding to read on the train or between classes or whatever that will whisk you away to another world, Wolf Hall is a sterling piece of narrative written with impeccable good taste. Yet this good taste is all that stops it from being just another thriller: the difference between Mantel and, say, John Grisham is quality of writing, not quality of thought. The book deserves to be a commercial success, but perhaps not a succes d’estime. You might want to think of it as a really good biography instead. Measured against the best modern historical novels, however – works with a real sense of the dynamic between now and then, like Umberto Eco’s The Name of the Rose or Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain Wolf Hall lacks muscle and bite, for all its sleek grace.

 

Call for £30,000 tuition fees

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Oxford University students should pay university tuition fees of around £30,000 a year, according to a leading economist David Blanchflower.

Writing in Sunday’s The Observer, the former member of the Bank of England monetary policy committee, called for changes in the tuition fees system to allow universities like Oxford to charge their students more to fund their additional facilities and teaching.

Citing some parents’ willingness to fund an Eton education for their children, the economist stated that fees of around £30,000 would provide a workable solution to the issue of university funding.

Such fees would bring Oxford onto the same fee level as top American universities, such as Dartmouth College, New Hampshire, where Blanchflower is a professor. He argued that at the Ivy League university higher fees helped “focus the mind” of students.

In defence of this radical increase in price, Blanchflower claimed that the current system means that the “poor have been subsidising the rich” for too long.

The apparent inconvenience to the middle classes would, he argues, go some way to compensating those poorer students who have been overpaying to attend less prestigious institutions.

Higher fees would allow universities to continue providing bursaries to poor students, unable to afford them.

The economist has also criticised the recent announcement by Lord Mandelson, the business secretary, which outlined plans to cut government funding to universities by £135 million next year.

A spokesman for Oxford University said the university did not have a “settled view” on fees, but reassured students that “significant fee rises would need to take place gradually over time and be matched by bursaries” so as to continue financial aid for poorer students.

Student opinion seems sceptical of Blanchflower’s suggestions, with fears that such change would see Oxford return to the elitist institution it has long been accused of being.

Second-year Exeter student David Thomas commented that “one of the world’s best universities will once again become dominated only by those who feel able to pay” should the ideas become reality.

Ministers have refused to comment because of the ongoing inquiry into tuition fees, chaired by the former BP chief Lord Browne. The panel’s final recommendations on changes in the university funding system are not expected until autumn 2010.

Interview: Lucy Caldwell

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Sitting in Belfast’s first (deserted) Argentine café on a cold Friday morning just before Christmas, I wonder what to expect of Lucy Caldwell – the playwright whose rather impressive résumé I have been studying for a couple of weeks. Caldwell has two full-length, three short and two radio plays to her name, among them Leaves, which was awarded the 2006 George Devine Award and short-listed for the Susan Smith Blackburn Prize. She also wrote a Dylan Thomas Prize and Waverton Good Read short-listed novel as well as a novella, short stories and articles for The Independent. This is no mean feat, especially for a person still in their twenties. Lucy, however, is very honest and open about her success.

She is particularly insistent about her debt to playwright Chris Hannan (the Judith E. Wilson Visiting Drama Fellow during her second year at Cambridge). ‘He was so encouraging and he would think nothing of sitting for hours in Café Nero going through your script with you. He was brilliant,’ she tells me, describing her first ‘poor attempts at a play’. Given that her first novelWhere They Were Missed, was entirely written during her university years, her modesty seems a little unnecessary. ‘I started to write a story for the May Anthologies…and it just didn’t stop and about 10,000 words in I suddenly thought – oh my goodness, I’m writing a novel,’ she explains. It’s almost as if, at times, she takes herself by surprise.

This is not to say it has all been plain sailing. Lucy may

have enjoyed success others her age can only dream of but, when asked what she attributes this to, her response is instantaneous – ‘hard work’. Then she quotes Chekhov, one of her favourite dramatists, ‘I used to think it was fame that matters, but I’ve realised that all that matters is the ability to endure.’ The public nature of theatre makes writing for the stage particularly terrifying. She says, ‘It’s horrible actually. It’s really, really horrible. You are so powerless. You’re just sitting there and watching people review your work; it’s the most naked feeling.’ Her advice to the winners of the New Writing Festival, who will go through this for the first time in the seventh week of Hilary is to ‘have a good stiff whisky lined up for afterwards – maybe a couple before as well.’

Another thing which always takes her by surprise is her readers’/audiences’ desire to label her work as autobiographical. ‘To you that’s a sort of silly question because of course it isn’t, but people do assume all sorts of things.’ She does admit there ‘has to be some middle ground where you connect, I think, or [the characters] won’t live. Anne Enright has a lovely way of putting it – she says that her characters are ‘the sloughed skins of a snake’ – the people she wasn’t, the paths she didn’t take.’

Her approach to the production of her own plays is not overly possessive. ‘Some writers can happily direct their own work but I just can’t.’ Caldwell prefers to be involved at the casting and workshopping stages before giving the actors time to experiment. ‘My French translator has a lovely way of putting it – she says the actors need to incorporate the words, to literally take them into their own bodies and make the parts theirs.’ She acknowledges she’s ‘been really lucky to work with directors who [she] get[s] on with.’ For Caldwell, unlike some of her playwright friends, the ‘drama has been limited to the stage.’

One thing which strikes me is Lucy’s incredible versatility as a writer – not only in the variety of forms she works with, but even within her dramatic output. The writers she identifies as most influential are certainly diverse – apart from Chekhov, there is Brian Friel, Caryl Churchill, Tennessee Williams, Marina Carr and Mike Bartlett. Lucy’s plays include Carnival, a spectacular circus tent affair, as well as several pieces written for the radio. I ask her if it is the aural or visual aspects of theatre which she finds most important. ‘Well, personally, aural. I played a lot of music when I was younger and I always hear the rhythms of things.’ She once worked with an actress who could tell her whether a line needed to gain or lose syllables to let it ‘zing’. ‘I’m very good at being able to pick up on the rhythms or the patterns of someone’s speech. I always find that getting a hold on the way someone speaks is the key to making them come to life as a character.’

The variety of her creative work is perhaps key to Lucy’s productivity, ‘After finishing a novel you feel exhausted and drained and the thought of starting another novel is impossible but the thought of starting another play, bizarrely, isn’t. It’s a different kind of energy – a different kind of work. I think each form has its own limitations and abilities. And you have to be very much in control of your own form and know what you can do and you can’t do.’ In England she finds that her status as a novelist/playwright is viewed as something of an anomaly, ‘I get that a lot more in England than here. I think, in Ireland, people can be both – Edna O’Brien, Sebastian Barry or Beckett. Writers will work confidently across a lot of mediums, whereas in England you get a few – Michael Frayn for example – but it seems a lot more divided.’

It is in the tradition of an Irish storyteller which Lucy seems to find herself, ‘It was only when I left that I started considering myself as Irish. I suddenly felt that I wasn’t British or English. I only discovered that when I was with English people. I started saying I was Irish and I started writing about Ireland and, at the beginning, slightly resenting that I was setting my novel in Belfast, as if it was being set in Belfast without my consent. I think once you leave home you suddenly have this dynamic about home – what it is, whether you can return.’ Lucy now spends most of her time in London but says she feels ‘very torn’. The Belfast theatrical scene still has need for a lot of improvement, ‘It’ll be fantastic when the new Lyric opens [Belfast’s Lyric Theatre has been undergoing extensive renovation] and we have plays on; we need to have a big theatre that can stand up to the Abbey [in Dublin] or to the best regional theatres.’

Yet, aside from the Irish tradition, Lucy is also a part of the ‘explosion’ of new writing for stage the last decade has enjoyed. Jack Thorne and Ben Musgrave (both now successful playwrights) were also under Chris Hannan’s tutelage at Cambridge and Lucy has been involved with the Royal Court’s Young Writers’ Programme (a centre for new drama), ‘The Royal Court’s programme, especially the Young Writers’ programme, is absolutely fantastic. I can’t rave about it enough. It’s open for anyone under the age of 26 and there’s a negligible fee for an eight week course.’ For Lucy, good writing is key for the continuing success of the theatre, ‘now there’s a lot of devised theatre, collaborative theatre but I, personally, feel that nothing can ever unseat the writer. I think writing is the most important thing…but then I would say that.’

I ask if she has any advice for those considering a career in writing for the stage, ‘What’s particularly hard at the start is showing people your work for the first time – trust who you give your work to.’ She admits that, despite her success, ‘in a weird way it doesn’t get any easier’ but, with a draft of her second novel nearing completion, a new play at the Birmingham Rep next year and commissions to attend to, it doesn’t look like Lucy Caldwell will be stopping any time soon. ‘Putting one word in front of another is all you can ever do,’ she concludes.

 

A Bad Case of Christmas-Over

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So. You’re a stone heavier. Your wallet’s a stone lighter. All the presents you bought are 50% off in the sales. And you’re surrounded by Round Robins consigned to the overflowing recycling bin as soon as they were opened.

But you’ve decided to peruse them again. To reignite the Christmas spirit? Not likely.

Feelings of depression and inadequacy will only be strengthened by these circulars of stupefyingly self-satisfied, self-congratulatory, sickening, self-eulogising, smug boringness.

Example number one: the child-worshipper. You may be proud of what you have achieved this year, until you receive an effusive epistle for which you might have thanked the postal service for losing in transit. Not climbed up Mt. Kilamanjaro carrying only a toothbrush and the new Nikon camera like dear little Tommy? Or performed your first recital at the Royal Albert Hall? Danced with the Royal Ballet like wee Araminta? Had audience with the Pope? Well that’s just not good enough really is it. Just what, you may think, have I been doing with my year? Why am I so horribly inadequate? All I did was pass exams (narrowly), get trashed a lot and go on a beach holiday. To Majorca.

You probably also got a lot of stick from your parents and heard them openly denigrating your character to their friends over dinner.
Well, take comfort: all the most talented people had terrible parents. Mozart’s father berated him constantly, driving him to Requiems. Michael Jackson’s dad pushed his son to a nose-job, and eternal fame. Every week someone makes a fortune selling a paperback full of their childhood woes.

Therefore, do not try to

be better than these shockingly able children. Do not envy them their glowing, supportive parents. Wallow in your comparatively miserable circumstances and later you might even be hailed as some kind of genius.

Example number two: at a time when we’re meant to be harking and heralding the imminent angels, a letter containing a record number of deaths in the family just isn’t welcome or conducive to Christmas cheer. If you know the writer, you’ll know the number of his or her close friends and relatives who didn’t quite make it to December. If you haven’t seen them in a decade (and there’s always a reason for that), you just don’t want to know.

Festive and funeral doesn’t mix. Whatever happened to good old British restraint and the stiff upper lip?

Oh well, at least you won’t envy the people behind these particular circulars.

The best way to end this activity is to chuck them all in the shredder, along with any unwanted gifts you had to eke out smiles over, and thank God it’s over for another year.

Cherwell’s end-of-the-year quiz

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And another year has flown by. Cherwell has decided to reflect on the passing of the year 2009 in our one and only end-of-the-year quiz. It’s simple: the quiz has five sections, each section has five questions. When you’ve answered them all, send your answers to [email protected] by 7th of January 2010. From all the correct entries we will draw the winner, who will be able to place a picture of his or her choice in the paper.

Good luck!

News
1. Taking place in January, how long did the Oxford students’ occupation of the Clarendon building last and how many protesters were there?

2. Which OUSU elections candidate was
(a) fined for the fact that his girlfriend had advertised his candidacy on her Facebook status
(b) “incredibly shocked that he managed to win” despite never running in a contested election before?

3. Where and when did the members of Oxford University Conservative Society tell the inappropriate jokes that caused nationwide controversy?

4. As part of smear campaign against Derek Walcott’s candidacy for Oxford Professor of Poetry, excerpts from a book were sent out to various Oxford academics. Name the book.

5. In Michaelmas, Magdalen JCR adopted the name of Gryffindor. Which college JCRs were encouraged to take on the other three Hogwarts names?

Lifestyle
1. Name the themes of fashion shows that were part of Oxford Fashion Week 2009.

2. One Oxford ball had seen their main act, Mystery Jets, pull out 36 hours before the event only to be replaced by another disco performer. Name the Ball and the singer who took the place of the Mystery Jets.

3. Which two Oxford events/clubbing companies joined at the beginning of this academic year to become one?

4. This year saw many of Oxford’s restaurants and bars closing or being taken into administration. Name three.

5. What is the word of the year 2009 according to New Oxford American Dictionary?

Culture

1. Which cultural spot in Oxford was described by the Guardian as a “temple of space and light”?

2. Who chose the final four winners in this year’s OUDS New Writing Festival?

3. Name the film which
(a) won the 2009 Palm D’Or at Cannes
(b) Has a character saying, “You probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business; we in the killin’ Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin’.”
(c) stars an actor named Taylor who’s going out with a singer named Taylor

4. What is the former occupation of Natasha Khan, the lead singer of Bat for Lashes?

5. What is the name of the book that rocketed in the charts after Tiger Woods’ crash? The book has jumped 393956 spaces on the Amazon.com chart.

Comment
1. Which Labour politician described Tony Blair as being “so far up the fundament of Bush, only the soles of his feet were visible”?

2. Who was named the first EU president?

3. Which former bank chief had the full sum of his pension declared as unacceptable in “the court of public opinion” by Harriet Harman, and what was the pension figure?

4. Name the four other panel members alongside Nick Griffin and David Dimbleby in the episode that saw the BNP’s first appearance on Question Time?

5. How many states/districts voted for Obama in the American Presidential elections?

Sport
1. Which college burnt its boat last Trinity, and why?

2. Which college won the Football cuppers last year?

3. How many years ago, and where, did Oxford alumnus Sir Roger Bannister run the first four-minute mile?

4. Name two Ballroom and two Latin dances that Dancesport beginners compete in.

5. In 2009, how much time did it take the Oxford team to complete the Boat Race and how did their score compare to Cambridge’s?

The Season’s Predictions: The Halfway Stage

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Long ago at the dawn of the new season I made a few quick predictions. So how murky/clear was my crystal ball? To my surprise some actually seem like they might be right. Others, however need a fair bit of tweaking. Initial predictions in bold below, alongside a few halfway editions.

Champions – Chelsea. Still clear favourites, just so much more quality and strength than their rivals

Top Four (in order) – Chelsea, Man United, Arsenal, Liverpool. Well so much for the top four remaining the same, Liverpool have been an absolute shambles recently. So who to predict for fourth? It would be fantastic if Martin O’Neill’s young, exciting, and very heavily English team could make it, but with City improving and their wallet likely to be open again in January it seems hard to see beyond them. As for Arsenal and Man United, I’d call it a 50/50 race for second, and both will likely push Chelsea all the way.

Relegated – Hull (good riddance), Portsmouth and probably Burnley. Actually, I might stick with this. Hull proved today that they can be shockingly awful at the back, Pompey are just too fragile, and Burnley’s early season form is fading. Ridiculously tough to pick, but I’ll happily stick with this one.

Top Goalscorer – The Drog. Actually, why isn’t he in my fantasy football team? Well the African Cup of Nations could be all that scuppers it for him. Darren Bent will still fall just short, so if it’s not Drogba, then it will have to be Wayne Rooney.

PFA player of the year – Heart says Arshavin so I’m sticking with it. Well this one is wrong. Arshavin can be fabulous at moments, but is no-where near consistent enough to deserve the bi

g prize. Being played out of position is hardly helping him at the moment.

Newly promoted surprise package – Wolves should have the goals in them. Wolves have indeed looked increasingly at home in the top flight, but its Birmingham who have taken the league by storm, sitting just one point behind Liverpool in 8th. Frustratingly hard to beat, and largely on the back of signings mocked in the summer. Lee Bowyer, Scott Dann, Barry Ferguson and of course, Alex McLeish, you are duly saluted.

First sacked – Phil Brown. Saved by the brief return of Jimmy Bullard, but if current form continues he could well be on his way soon.

Best signing – Thomas Vermaelen/Glen Johnson. Not such a bad call. Vermaelen especially has been excellent, and although Johnson has faded he is still a remarkably effective attacking right-back when on song. The best competition comes from some slightly more low-profile signings, especially those of Richard Dunne by Aston Villa, and Lorik Cana by Sunderland.

Worst signing – Michael Owen was free so he hardly counts. Antonio Valencia/ Alberto Aquliani: Both have to fill boots far too big for their feet. Perhaps a little harsh, but unsurprisingly both have failed to live up to their predecessors. Aquilani though does look class, and Liverpool fans will be hoping he can actually stay fit now. Otherwise the league is largely short on expensive flops this year. Fingers can easily pointed at the holes in City’s multi-million pound defense.

Will the great Real Madrid experiment succeed: Unfortunately, yes. And it probably will succeed whether it be in the league or in Europe. Barcelona again look fantastic, but both sides are miles above not only the domestic competition but also the rest of Europe. A quick glance at the World Footballer of the Year lists will show just how dominant these two teams really are.

Fabregas keeps Arsenal a cut above

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Arsenal reinforced their burgeoning title credentials on Sunday with an excellent 3-0 win over the in-form Aston Villa. A trio of second half goals, with two from Cesc Fabregas and one from Abou Diaby sealed a win that put the home side just four points behind leaders Chelsea, with the added bonus of a game in hand to boot.

The plaudits for the win will rightly fall at the feet of Fabregas. Introduced into a relatively turgid encounter ten minutes into the second half, the Arsenal captain produced a mesmerising twenty-eight minute cameo of drive, scoring two fabulous goals and utterly bossing the midfield before being withdrawn with a recurrence of his hamstring injury. Arsenal will certainly be hoping it proves only a short-term setback.

Fabregas’ performance provided Arsenal with some much needed impetus after a first half which had typically seen lots of possession, but little penetration, as a series of underwhelming moves had largely been dealt with excellently by the Villa defence. It illustrated that even in this most unpredictable of seasons, certain individuals can be relied upon to keep the elite a cut above the increasing number of contenders.

Without Fabregas the game had been even. With him the teams look oceans apart. Suddenly Arsenal were finding space, and Fabregas was instrumental in a move that set up Arshavin to force a good save from Brad Friedel with a powerful low drive.

Just after the hour mark, Arsenal were rewarded for their increased pressure. Fabregas, fouled himself by Richard Dunne, picked himself up and curled a sumptuous free kick into the top corner. And as it was Fabregas who powered Arsenal into the lead, so too was it the Spaniard that effectively sealed the win.

A loose James Milner pass was picked up by Armand Traore who swung a cross-field ball into the path of Theo Walc

ott, who in turn laid an inch perfect ball into the path of the charging Fabregas, showing a surprising turn of pace, who finished superbly inside Friedel’s near post.

Arsenal’s joy was tempered somewhat as Fabregas pulled up grimacing immediately after scoring, and had to be withdrawn after 84 minutes.

Deserved gloss was put on the second half performance in stoppage time by Diaby who, Fabregas aside, had been clearly Arsenal’s most threatening player. Taking advantage of tired Villa legs, Diaby drove through the Villa midfield before planting a twenty-five yard shot into the bottom right hand corner.

The win was thoroughly deserved on the merit of the second half performance and will be particularly satisfying as it came so convincingly against a side who boasted the league’s meanest defense before kick-off and had not failed to score in their previous sixteen league matches.

Arsenal now sit in a promising position in the league table, but will have to show that they can cope without both the injured Fabregas and also integral midfielder Alex Song against Portsmouth on Wednesday, with the latter departing for the African Cup of Nations. An early exit for Cameroon and a speedy recover from the captain would both be much welcomed in North London.

Test Team of the noughties

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As the 2000s come to a close, talk of the imminent death of Test cricket is rife. Yet the decade has seen Test cricket taken to a new level: gung-ho openers, ferocious lower-order hitting, reverse swing and arguably the two greatest spin bowlers of all time have ensured there has been plenty for fans to savour.

Here is a composite XI of all those who played Tests in the 2000s. All statistics are for the decade only, not the players’ careers. The five Australian faces are reward for a decade in which, bar the odd blip, they have taken the game to new heights.

Matthew Hayden (96 Tests in 2000s, 8364 runs @ 52.93)
Loathed by many as a caricature of the worst of Australians, Hayden was a brute of an opening batsman. His muscular hitting terrified many an opening bowler, as he amassed 29 centuries over the decade. Whether waltzing down the pitch to Shaun Pollock or slog-sweeping his way to 549 runs in three Tests in India in 2001, Hayden could be relied on to score quickly with his bludgeoning bat. On the rare occasions when he was tamed, as in England in 2005, Australia’s juggernaut acquired hitherto hidden vulnerability.

Virender Sehwag (72 Tests, 6248 runs @ 52.50)
You thought Hayden was scary? His strike-rate of 60 looks sedate when set against Sehwag’s scarcely credible 80. There is no one quite like Sehwag: the hand-eye co-ordination; the blistering bat-speed; the obliviousness to pressure, the opposition and the match situation. Yet, for all that, is not Sehwag’s most impressive attribute his concentration span? When he gets going, he goes not just big but massive: having hit four 250+ scores, three at over a run-a-ball, his place in the pantheon is already assured. And he does it regularly against the best, averaging 51 against Australia. To those who say he thrives only in good batting conditions, Sehwag’s 201*, out of 329, against Mendis and Murali in Sri Lanka was a devastating riposte.

Ricky Ponting (106 Tests, 9389 runs @ 58

.68)
Over the decade, there has been no wicket more sought-after than Ponting, who is keeping of number three. While seemingly eschewing risk, he scores his runs at such a pace – with a strike-rate of 62 over the decade – that he inevitably seizes the initiative, keeping alive the tradition that a side’s best batsman and captain should occupy the pivotal spot. Adept all round the wicket, Ponting’s sheer single-mindedness, best displayed when gaining revenge on England in 2006/07 with 576 runs at 82.28, have helped him score more Test runs and centuries than anyone else this decade.

Brian Lara (66 Tests, 6380 runs @ 54.06)
Perhaps perceived more as a man of the 1990s, Lara in fact scored 21 of his 34 Test centuries in the 2000s. He was not without his troubles, but he continued to display the ability to score big runs against the world’s finest attacks, scything the ball away with his characteristic high backlift. Few performances of the modern era can match Lara’s 688 runs in three matches in Sri Lanka in 2001 – though, typically, West Indies were still beaten 3-0. Throughout his career, that thrilling x-factor remained. Lara was not a man to bat for your life – though his 400* against England saw him, astonishingly, reclaim the Test record score – but someone who illustrated just how breathtaking the art can be.

Rahul Dravid (103 Tests, 8558 runs @ 54.85)
Few nicknames are as appropriate as the one that has been attributed to Dravid – simply ‘The Wall’. Sachin Tendulkar is the great icon of the Indian game, but it is Dravid who has been the key batsman in their crucial victories, displaying mastery of batting’s technical challenges especially when standing out away from home. His 305 runs, for once out, to defeat Australia at Adelaide in 2003 was testament to his mental fortitude. Dravid’s finely-crafted masterpieces are a common thread linking the seminal Indian victories of the 2000s: from Headingley, to Rawalpindi and Kandy via Kingston, Perth and, of course, Adelaide.

Jacques Kallis (100 Tests, 8552 runs at 58.97; 202 wickets @ 31.70)
Hailed by Kevin Pietersen as “the greatest cricketer ever”, Kallis’s averages for the decade – 58 with the bat, and 31 with the ball – almost defy belief, especially when considering he has played 100 Tests in the 2000s. His batting is perhaps more science than art, but his steady and unobtrusive accumulation has led many a captain to despair. Other batsmen may get bored; Kallis remorselessly grinds the opposition into the dust. As he has proved in recent times, he does have another gear. He just seldom feels the need to use it. With the ball Kallis has tended to be the consummate fourth seamer, although when occasions have allowed, as at Headingley in 2003 when he took 6/54, his swing has proved devastating.

Adam Gilchrist (91 Tests, 5130 runs @ 46.63, wicket-keeper)
Gilchrist’s demoralising assaults from number seven will, for many, be the abiding memory of Test cricket in the 2000s. Whether he arrived at the crease at 100/5 or 300/5, his approach was the same: audacious, clean hitting that would seize the game’s initiative, most stunningly with a 57-ball century against England in 2006. As Gideon Haigh wrote, “Gilchrist seemed to invent a new cricket variant in which, while everyone else carried on as usual, he thrashed about him with apparent impunity.”

Andrew Flintoff (74 Tests, 3695 runs @ 32.69; 220 wickets @ 32.38)
No one could conceivably claim Andrew Flintoff was a superior cricketer to Shaun Pollock. So why is he in this side over Pollock? With McGrath and Kallis parsimony personified, Flintoff can finally be unleashed as an impact bowler in short, sharp spells – like his series changing over at Edgbaston in 2005 – rather than forced into the containing role. When at his peak, Flintoff performed outstandingly in all three disciplines in the Caribbean, South Africa and India – and, of course, his 2005 Ashes performance was one of the finest all-round series enjoyed by any cricketer this decade. He was not only vital for what he himself achieved on the pitch, but the galvanising affect his deeds had on others.

Shane Warne (65 Tests, 357 wickets @ 25.17, captain)
Warne v Muralitharan has been the subject of so many pub debates over the years. And, while Murali’s statistics in the 2000s are marginally superior, he admitted that Warne “had a better cricketing brain than me.” Through sheer force of personality, the Australian could change the course of games on even the least helpful of surfaces. And, so often the symbol of the all-conquering Australian machine, his Herculean efforts in defeat in the 2005 Ashes – 40 wickets and 249 runs in five Tests – provided indisputable proof of his enduring greatness. Widely regarded as possessing the best cricketing nous of anyone who never captained his country in a Test, Warne will have the honour of leading this side out.

Dale Steyn (33 Tests, 170 wickets @ 23.70)
In an era when express pace seemed to be dying a sad death, Steyn has emerged to revive it. Bowling at speeds in excess of 90mph, he has created carnage with his devilish late swing with new and old ball alike. His yorker and bouncer alike have the capacity to destroy, and he was crucial in South Africa’s success against Australia in 2008/09, claiming 34 scalps in six Tests. A more subtle and canny bowler than many of express pace, Steyn was also exceptional in India.

Glenn McGrath (66 Tests, 297 wickets @ 20.53)
It all seemed so simple, didn’t it? Plod up to the wicket, bowling with nip but some way short of express pace, hit a good line and length and perhaps extract a little movement. The most remarkable of unremarkable bowlers, McGrath could be relied upon to raise his game against the opposition’s star, and shared some memorable duels with Messrs Tendulkar and Lara. When there was a little in the pitch, as when he took 8/24 against Pakistan at Perth, McGrath was simply without peer.

All statistics are

based on Tests played from 1st January 2000 to 25th December 2009.