Go-karting. Easy right? It’s like learning to drive at Legoland without the brightly coloured blocks.

Thing is, this wasn’t a light dabble on a stag night; this was University Karting. And not just some training course, I was signed up to compete in the actual Varsity Race 2008.

The night before, Team Captain Jamie Harvey advises me to watch a video of him going round the track we’ll be racing on. I do: he’s going very fast. Dispirited I decide an online go-karting game would be a better way of honing my skills. I come third, it’s a promising omen.

Race day: 0800 hrs. Up far too early, to catch the minibus to the track. We’re heading to Rye House in North London. Jamie admits its one of the harder tracks. Spirits buoyed by last nights online game.

Ah well, what’s the worst that can happen?

Foolishly I ask that exact question to Will Brat. A second year at Lincoln, Will is currently spending his summers racing around Europe in Formula 3. Apparently the karts stay the right side up as long as they don’t hit any gravel.

‘What happens if I hit a piece of gravel?’ I ask apprehensively. ‘You’ll flip over, probably just break a few ribs if you’re lucky,’ comes back Will’s reply. Great.

Some time later I find myself suited up in overalls clutching a very tight Homer Simpson branded helmet in the hanger as we get briefed.

Apparently the karts we’ll be using are a lot faster than the normal ones (5-60 in 3.5 seconds, top speed 75mph!) and I’m meant to have quite a bit of training. I stay quiet. Can’t let the team down now.

It’s race time. The race is an hour long and everyone is split into pairs – go ‘Oxford F’ – with the drivers changing halfway through.

My partner, Rob Apsimon, goes first. Our main aim is not to come last. Rob does well and by the time he pulls in to change drivers we’re a few laps up on the worst Cambridge team. Trouble is, now it’s my turn. Here we go, foot, accelerator, shit, this, really, is, quite, fast.

The race itself is a bit of a blur but by the end I’m barely able to walk. Turns out all those g-forces from turning corners at speed are pretty exhausting.

Oh, and the result. Well Oxford won as Harvey and his co-driver were the faster pair on the day. And me? Well lets just say I spun out eight times. Quite conclusively last. Turns out karting isn’t quite like the video games after all.

The Cuppers quarter final between Pembroke and the Oxford Institute of Legal Practice (OXILP) was a predictable affair, the traditionally successful sporting college claiming a 27-run victory over the University-affiliated underdogs.

OXILP, with a male population of just fifty, had perhaps over-stretched their resources after beating St. Catz and Green: a spirited and gritty performance never saw them promise anything greater than a dignified defeat, a series of spilled catches summing up their never-quite-there persona.

They started well, winning the toss and choosing to bowl under overcast conditions. Simon Manterfield and Dan Barnett coupled accurate bowling with a low pitch to stifle the Pembroke openers Mike Hills and Geoff Baines.

Hills was content to play the role of anchor, as Baines attempted to hurry the score along. In Barnett’s fourth over he tried and failed to pull a creeping delivery, before missing a slash at the next.

Relief was not forthcoming until the 10th over, when Hills contrived to loft a ball over the in-field for the first boundary, the score a paltry 25-0. Baines was soon after caught at first slip by Carroll off Barnett. Both opening bowlers worked through their allotted overs in one spell, by which time Pembroke were 43-1 off 16.

OXILP should have had greater impact. Hills and new bat Shephard were both dropped in Woods’s first over, and Hills then unwisely tried to turn Luke Vassay’s controlled leg-spin and was dropped by Shea.

The score was 59 before a catch was finally taken, Shephard at fine leg off Vassay, bringing in Finch, who notched up a few boundaries in taking the score to 90 off 26 overs before being bowled by the same bowler.

The hundred and Hill’s half-century came up in successive overs, highlighting Pembroke’s reliance on their opener, especially when Butcher swung at and fell over a looping Vassay delivery before being stumped by Robinson next ball.

As Pembroke stepped up their search for quick runs, OXILP’s fielders could not take advantage: a run out chance was squandered and new bat Oakes was dropped at mid-on before launching Jerrum over mid-wicket for a long six.

When success did come, it was unexpected. Boulton, fielding in the deep, returned an accurate long throw to impressively run out Oakes and render the score 132-5 off 34 overs.

The same player then bowled Durbin, and Shea, in his only over took the wickets of Ainsworth and Horrocks. Woods returned to finish off the Pembroke innings in the 38th over by bowling Patel and Rodrigues, leaving the score 165 and Hills stranded on 66*.

On a stolid pitch this was a reasonable total, and OXILP were never really in the hunt. Shephard bowled accurately to restrict the scoring, and had Boulton caught behind by Patel in his third over. At the other end Finch was threatening but erratic, and was replaced by the left-arm Butcher, who bowled Vassay in the 12th over: 19-2.

Jerrum and Shea could not break the pressure; the former edged a four through the slips before being bowled by Shephard, the latter could not overcome the low bounce to score from tempting loose deliveries in Butcher’s third and fourth overs.

Shephard bowled through to finish with fine figures of 8-5-10-2, leaving the score 27-3 off 15 overs. Carroll managed a straight six off Oakes but had his off-stump rearranged by a Butcher delivery that nipped back and was almost unplayable: 37-4.

Shea’s desperate attempt to break the stranglehold saw a resounding four off Durbin over mid-wicket but was followed by a misjudged sweep and smashed stumps. By now OXILP were batting to survive rather than win; Barnett played delicately, a nice drive off Horrocks trickling for just two.

Once Robinson scooped a return catch to Finch it was 97-6 off 35 overs. Pembroke were content to allow the last few overs to drag out, there being no chance now of an OXILP victory. Barnett was bowled by Oakes for 20 and Chinery enlivened proceedings with a spirited 19, and ludicrously ran out Manterfield, before being stumped off the final ball.

OXILP finished 138-9 off 40 overs, a dogged and defiant effort but one that never truly threatened. Pembroke’s main worry was the 39 extras they conceded: a tighter performance will be required for the semi-final.

Both Magdalen and Queens headed in to Monday’s cuppers quarter-final tie in good form and with reason to be confident of progressing to a semi-final clash with St. John’s. However few could have predicted the size of Queens or the nature of Magdalen’s capitulation.

Having lost the toss and been inserted on a green-tinged pitch under overcast skies, Queens openers Kelly and Knox made a good start to their innings, helped by some uncharacteristically loose bowling from Magdalen pair De Costa and Ridgeon – perhaps nerves were kicking in.

That said, Kelly was lucky to survive early on after a careless stroke resulted in Sidhu dropping a straightforward chance at point. Magdalen finally made the breakthrough when De Costa trapped Knox plumb in front.

This lifted Magdalen, and despite several solid partnerships, Queens did not post the commanding total that they at one point threatened.

Notable knocks came from Kelly (36), who was bowled off a full toss from Winterton after looking set, ‘Alex B’ (29) and captain Banyard (27), bringing the Queens total to a very competitive 189 before they were bowled out shortly before their allotted 40 overs were bowled.

The Magdalen reply, however, can only be described as pitiful. Having forgotten to bring a new ball with which to bowl, Queens opened up with seamer Thompson and off-spinner Knox. Although Thompson bowled tidily, it was the impact of Knox which was to change the course of the game.

Magdalen proved utterly incapable of dealing with his slow, flighted deliveries, as batsman after batsman got themselves out trying to launch him out of the ground.

Having hit him for a huge straight six in his first over, Magdalen opener and star batsman Winterton attempted a similar shot shortly after, but found only the man at long-on having scored just 13.

Number three Sidhu followed the next over, given out lbw to Thompson first ball when it appeared as if he had got a big inside edge.

Just when a period of consolidation was clearly needed, Haw was caught on the mid-wicket boundary off Knox, and shortly afterwards skipper Canfor-Dumas lost his head and was stumped looking to hit over the top.

After number five Kennedy was also out cheaply, the score was 26 and Magdalen’s hopes of even getting near the Queens total had virtually disappeared.

Adam Rushworth proved the only Magdalen batsman capable of showing anywhere near the application needed, with a gutsy undefeated 29, but soon ran out of partners.

Knox took an astonishing return catch above his head to get rid of De Costa, and after Ridgeon got off the mark with a 6 the same fate awaited him, with a similarly sharp caught and bowled from Knox, leaving him with figures of 5-33.

The Magdalen tail failed to wag, and Magdalen were all out for the paltry total of 73. Thompson ended with figures of 2-14, while the opening pair were ably supported by first-change Kelly 3-16.

Queens will be delighted with the ease of their win, and look a team which is competitive in all departments, but will surely be in for a sterner test when they meet John’s in the semi-final.

Magdalen, meanwhile, were left scratching their heads, bemoaning the absence of some important players, but most of all disappointed that so many batsmen gave their wickets away so cheaply, undermining their good chance of a Final appearance at Parks had key players returned.

 
As the sound of champagne corks popping accompany the finalist’s fatigued shrieks of delight, thoughts inevitably turn to the night ahead; but once the celebratory haze has been lifted, the mind starts to turn to future plans. For those not quite prepared to begin their lifetime as an investment banker, the standard, glorified sight-seeing gap year awaits.

Not for freshly graduated Keble theology student Richard Massey, however. Richard decided to travel halfway across the world to remote villages of Africa, South America and Asia. No Kodak disposable here though, as he was to compete in tribal games with the inhabitants of those regions.

‘I was on a sports email list and I saw an advert by chance; I was just about to finish my finals and go on a gap year so it was perfect timing when it came along. It sounded amazing. They asked what I was willing to do, and I said yes to all the questions.’

Given the advert claimed that, ‘you will get to wrestle people in the Amazon and run up a mountain’, his enthusiasm was understandable.

BBC’s programme, Last Man Standing, consisted of a year long expedition around the globe to partake in eight sporting festivals, ranging from stick fighting in South Africa to cricket in the South Pacific; Richard was one of six athletes competing, with all of them heralding from different physical disciplines.

Richard, coming from a rugby and cricketing background, was physically inferior to the majority of his competition, and especially American strongman Brad Johnson.

‘Brad is about three times my size’, Richard joked. Despite this apparent difference, the athletes competed against each other, as well as the local tribe in their sporting festival, with the best performer declared the victor.

One concern for Richard before beginning the competition was how genuine the television programme would be. ‘I thought there would be a lot of fake parts and rehearsals and that it might show the bad aspects of TV, but when you are in the Amazon surrounded by ten naked warriors, you know it’s entirely real.’

So real, that the athletes themselves rarely knew their next location beforehand. ‘The BBC team were quite discreet about that; we weren’t told where we were going and sometimes we only found out by overhearing the head pilot announce it. There was an enormous surprise factor every time.’

Unfortunately for Richard, truth did not extend to the BBC’s portrayal of him. His weekly introduction in the programme consisted of the archetypal Oxford stereotype: a montage of punting, croquet playing and cycling in academic gown, with classical music awkwardly tacked on for good measure. Richard, however, took it positively.

‘Anyone from Oxford would think, “does this guy run around in sub-fusc every day?”, but I suppose stereotyping is part of TV. It’s fine though, it was part of the deal. I was aware I could be caricatured, and I was, given the images of me in my flailing gown under the Bridge of Sighs! I don’t begrudge the editors though.’

Yet the Oxford graduate defied their expectations by sensationally winning the Wolof wrestling festival in Senegal. It offered a simple concept: grapple your opponent to the floor without falling yourself. Richard’s win was somewhat aided by the introduction of weight classification, a measure unseen in the other seven contests.

His opening bout in Senegal instantly pitted Richard against fellow competitor and Harvard student, Corey Rennell, whom he dispatched quickly. This victory, followed by the defeat of a local, ensured his two successes in Senegal bettered the other athletes’ attempts. But it was not merely his victory which brings him fond memories.

‘One of the stand out moments was when I was with Corey in the middle of the arena. The atmosphere was just electric. There were seven or eight hundred people watching.

It was incredible and there’s nothing I can equate to it: there were megaphones everywhere; singing, drumming, dancing, screaming; it was exhausting being there. To be in the middle of the arena was exceptional; an extraordinary feeling.’

Wrestling his way to a win in Senegal was not enough for Richard to claim the overall title of ‘Last Man Standing’. Perhaps with more luck during his second-placed finish in Trobriand’s unconventional brand of cricket he could have notched up another win. His strong showing in Papa New Guinea’s forty-eight hour canoe race was also in vein.

These two festivals alone highlight the variation between events; but one thing that was consistent throughout the sports was the need for technique over pure aggression.

Eventual winner Jason applied a visibly more aggressive attitude to the tasks and arguably this is what won him the overall title. Richard refutes this.

When the latter won in Senegal his tutor claimed it was due to his impeccable technique, a notion which Richard agrees with: ‘It was such a great thing to hear people say that my technique had won me the Senegalese wrestling. I did think, during this event particularly, that I was learning very quickly. From the first day, when I was pretty rubbish, to the last when I won, more than any other place I made a lot of strides.’

Asked whether violence was prioritised over sport in these tribal festivals, he responded, ‘the villagers weren’t aggressive. It wasn’t violent, and no one got hurt that badly.’

Far from being aggressive, the inhabitants of the small villages strived to make their unlikely guests as comfortable as possible, and the former Keble man enthusiastically cites this as a highlight of the trip.

‘Every single time without exception we made a bond with the family looking after us, and it was special; it wasn’t a normal relationship because normally you can speak the language.

That created a barrier for 90% of the day – it was like playing charades, trying to explain everything through strange actions.’ The emotional tone in his voice confirms the uniqueness of the bond as he describes the time with his hosts in India, where there was no possibility of communicating via speech.

‘The Sumi language was hardest and yet when I left I started to cry. The goodbye was overwhelming and there was real understanding and appreciation between us.’

Whilst embracing the inhabitants came easily, embracing their culture proved more difficult. ‘The most intense experience throughout my time abroad was killing a pig. I really felt awful doing it and was pretty unprepared: someone just shoved a spear at me by chance. We’re used to animals being pets here, which in their eyes, was ridiculous.’

Other experiences, such as drinking a specialist ‘good luck’ potion intended to then be regurgitated, as well as having his leg scoured with razor-sharp piranha teeth until he bled, made the experience pretty hard for him to fathom at times. However, the killing of the pig still remains most vivid in his memory. ‘I didn’t take any satisfaction from it. I didn’t expect to have to do things like that.’

Unquestionably, the alacrity of Massey demonstrates that the journey was very much weighted towards the positive, with a highlight being the friendship struck with his fellow athletes. ‘I’m still in touch with the other athletes; we developed an unusual and unique kind of friendship.

When I first began I felt alone, I didn’t know any of the crew and I felt completely isolated and defenceless, but that soon changed. There was no reason our paths should have crossed – we are from different parts of life – but we all got on and that in turn got us through. They were such good companions.’

Although Richard didn’t finish ‘last man standing’, he’s still standing tall, and certainly doesn’t regret that original application. ‘The start of the whole process was quite unusual.

The first few days were like an Oxford Freshers’ Week: hectic, with big highs and lows.’ There may be certain similarities to Oxford life, but it’s unlikely you’ll ever see a semi-naked, Papa New Guinean warrior punting down the River Isis. 

Oxford’s men and women battled through changing weather conditions over the weekend to record an emphatic double victory in second’s Varsity tennis. The Penguins and the Robins, having to play on two different courts in two days, eased to an impressive win.

The Oxford Penguins, the University second’s men’s tennis team, continued their perennial dominance over the Cambridge Grasshoppers with a 14-4 rout.

The Penguins took control of the two day match on Saturday, sweeping the first six singles matches on the hard court – the re-arranged playing surface due to the sweeping rain.

The manner in which the players adjusted themselves to the new surface was commendable; the transition, seamless. Daniel Tristao, playing at the No. 4 singles spot, came back from a one set to love deficit to defeat the Cambridge No. 3, contributing the last point of the singles shut out.

Teamwork then took centre stage as the first round of doubles commenced. A controlling Penguins performance furthered their advantage by winning two out of the three doubles, increasing the lead to 8-1.

Because of improved weather conditions, play was moved to grass courts on Sunday. This proved little problem to the side, as the team continued to assert its dominance, taking two out of the three doubles rubbers. Most notably, the Penguins second pair of Thomas Dance and Tristao resoundingly defeated the Cambridge first pair of two Light Blues players 6-2, 6-2.

Cambridge Grasshoppers were now merely playing for pride. No matter what sport, and at what level, a deficit as big as Oxford commanded – ten games to two – threatened to embarass the squad. Spurred on by the determination not to be humiliated, Cambridge began the second round of singles with a purpose, proving to be more resolute than the previous day’s showing, Cambridge bravely pushed their counterparts to a deciding set in five of the six singles matches played.

However, the Penguins proved to be too skillful for the Grasshopers, winning four out of the six matches. Howell Williams at No. 6 won the deciding rubber with a decisive 6-1, 6-3 triumph.

Oxford’s co-captains, Alex Zackheim and Jake Gorelov, were successful in their singles encounters, both dispatching of Light Blues players in decisive third sets, leaving Cambridge demoralised. Aroop Mukharji also won in three sets, disposing the Cambridge No. 3.

Jarlath Brine, the Penguins coach, stated: ‘I was immensely proud that all Oxford players conducted themselves with great maturity, dignity and sportsmanship throughout.’

The Penguins’ female counterparts, the Robins, also enjoyed a successful weekend; only one victory was needed as Sunday approached. The first day was not without incident however, as a raucous Cambridge following attempted to engage in unsporting behaviour with negative chants towards the Oxford side.

This proved too much for the Robins’ coach, who valiantly defended Oxford’s pride. With the furore of Saturday placed to one side, focus turned back on the court.

The Robins’ first pair of Sarah Savage and Jo Thompson easily dispensed of the Cambridge Ladybirds to seal a truly deserved 9-6 win and hand Oxford ladies their third successive Varsity win over their Cambridge adversaries.

The sporting and social pinnacle of any Trinity Term, Summer Eights is set for a competition as compelling as any in recent years.

After a double triumph for Oxford rowers at The Boat Race in April, the University is as enthused by rowing as it has ever been.

Huge crowds are expected at the river throughout the event. By the time you read this, the competition will be reaching its dramatic climax; with two days gone and two to go.

In the men’s first division, there is increasing hope of breaking off the traditional one-two of the Magdalen and Pembroke boats.

Magdalen’s dominance of college rowing in recent years always needs re-stating, if only to remind us of the enormity of their achievement. Victors at Eights in 2007, 2006 and 2005, and at Torpids this year, they have established a mastery of college rowing contests that defines the rest of the competition.

Pembroke are used to being the Nadal to Magdalen’s Federer: exceptional in their own right, but always in the shadow of a true great. They finished second in Eights in 2007 and 2006 and in Torpids earlier this year. Unlike Nadal, however, they do not have an equivalent of the French Open, a hinterland where they remain unchallenged. Second place behind Magdalen is always a good result.

Although Balliol bumped Pembroke on Wednesday, Oriel also seem set for a challenge. Captain David Woods is confident that they can cause an upset, telling Cherwell that ‘anything can happen in bumps racing,’ and that ‘there’s only one result we’ll be happy with.

Since 1972, Oriel have only finished one year without a Headship, in 1991, and after the disappointment of Torpids, we do not intend to make this a second.’

One place behind Oriel, and only slightly less bullish, is University College. Their captain, Johnny Bray, claims that his team ‘have been working hard and have come on a long way.’

He described his squad as ‘confident in its abilities,’ and ‘looking forward to showing Oxford you don’t need a boat full of blues to move fast.’ Both Oriel and Univ will be hoping to hold off the challenge of Christ Church, whose boat of rowing galacticos could bump both of them in their pursuit of the leaders.

Christ Church uses American graduate students from Kellogg College, and as such are guaranteed to push the overall standard of the division even higher this weekend.

Struggling to stay in Division 1 is Worcester College, and Karel Kac is under no illusions as to the scale of the challenge they face. At Torpids last term Worcester plummeted from fifth in Division 1 to third in Division 2 over the four days, and Kac describes his team as ‘determined to change the bad impression’ they left then.

With regard to this weekend’s rowing, Kac acknowledged that ‘because Worcester bumped up so many times during the last three years, our position in the first division is quite high relative to our experience. We do not expect to perform as well as Worcester did during the last years, but we expect to be more competitive than we were in Torpids and try to defend our position.’

And on the first day of competition New College, starting at the head of Division 2, bumped Worcester. This promises to be a successful tournament for New. Former GB rowers Stephen Bechdale and Rollo Hoare form the backbone of the team, and alongside returning Blues Ollie Whitby and Matt Phipps they could well surge up Division 1.

The Women’s Division 1 promises to be more open than the men’s. Three of the top four placed boats from Hilary Term’s Torpids, St. Catherine’s, Oriel and The Queen’s College, are all starting from Division 2.

This leaves only Christ Church , starting from second place this week , one place above their finish last term. But captain Jenny Vass was modest in the build-up to Eights, hoping that Christ Church ‘do ourselves justice’ and ‘make it a race worth watching.’ Somerville, starting two places behind Christ Church, have had issues with personnel leading up to Eights.

Finals and other commitments have torn the heart out of their team, leaving a serious challenge for Head of the River status unlikely.

More likely to race up the standings is Merton College, whose ‘mixture of blues, experienced Bumps racers and new talent’ gives confidence to their Stroke, Naomi Pollock. After a Division 2 finish to Torpids last term, Pollock hopes her team ‘re-establish ourselves as a strong Division 1 crew.’

Controversy has struck the tournament’s build-up though, with New College’s failure to register all of their boats at the initial captains’ meetings.

Captain of Lower Boats James Reid missed the deadline imposed by OURCS by two hours, thus forcing the reconvening of an emergency second captains’ meeting on Monday evening. New College’s M2, M3 and M4, as well as Lady Margaret Hall’s M3 and M4 and Pembroke College’s M6 and M7 were all originally threatened with expulsion after this rule breach, although all boats have been accepted into the competition.

Summer Eights is about more than just the elite though. There will be 158 boats competing in a total of 13 divisions across the tournament.

This equates to over 1000 rowers, making it by far the largest sporting event in Oxford’s sporting calendar. They will be relieved to hear, however, that the glorious sunshine of the first few days of the week will disappear, for a more refreshing turn this weekend.

The light showers predicted for both Friday and Saturday may, however, be to the frustration of the hundreds of students expected to turn up to watch.