Wednesday 16th July 2025
Blog Page 802

Jingle hell: a Grinch’s guide to Christmas

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Ah, Christmas time.

“Excellent,” the shopkeepers say, “Tis’ the season for spending!”

“Hurray!” the children cheer, “Santa is coming!”

“Oh Christ,” every other ordinary person utters, “Let the complete obliteration of my dignity commence.”

The road to the New Year is a long one, littered with obstacles and paper hats. But fear not – help is at hand in the form of these six survival tips.

1. RELATIVES. The tinny throb of a Ford Fiesta spells the imminent arrival of undesirable individuals. The addition of little people into the mix adds a new dimension of difficulty. Not only do they have an unappealing habit of shooting fluids out of their facial orifices, but if you haven’t bought them what they want (i.e. a life-size plush Harry Styles or various items of foam weaponry) then the turd will hit the suspended air-filter in the most spectacular fashion.

How to survive – Resist the urge to hit little Henry over the head with his new hardback edition of Hairy Maclary and give him a giant Toblerone – they work wonders in stopping tantrums. If seated between your partner’s parents at the dinner table, take extra caution with the Christmas crackers – you run the risk of chronic elbow injury and blinding your future in-laws with a rogue spinning top or stencil set.

2. CHRISTMAS TREES. Piles of pine needles all over the carpet, which then find their way into socks and are inhaled by dogs, may lead to mild canine congestion.

How to survive – Feel no shame in rockin’ around your Homebase acrylic Nordic Spruce. If you do plump for the real deal though, disposing of it can be a nightmare. Either burn the bushy bastard or plant it neatly in your garden…then Rex can continue putting presents under it all year round.

3. THE QUEEN’S SPEECH. What’s with this? You’re just tucking into your roasted road-kill from Lidl when this regal party-pooper turns up.

How to survive – This one’s easy: don’t watch it. As soon as you hear the first parps of the royal fanfare, make a majestic dive for the ‘mute’ button. It’s also worth noting that Channel 4 broadcast their ‘alternative speech’ each year. Previous speakers have included Edward Snowden, Sharon Osbourne and Ebola survivor William Pooley, i.e. people who’ve actually done stuff rather than lolled about in a pastel two-piece feeding Corgis with titbits of antelope loin.

4. DEALING WITH DRUNK PARENTS. This situation occurs every year, but is never anything short of harrowing. Last Christmas, my friend’s mother was grabbed and snogged by the husband of one of her friends, right in front of the man’s wife. Apparently, prising them apart was like trying to remove an octopus from a high-suction hoover-nozzle.

How to survive – Before it gets to the stage where Graham’s wrestling the Christmas tree to the ground, break out the non-alcoholic wine. Make sure to do so discreetly, however – you run the risk of having your neck garrotted with a string of twinkly lights.

5. FOOD. Christmas dinner is notoriously slow to cook, which leaves plenty of time for absent-minded cashew nut consumption. Mince pies also declare war on humanity and bolster the UK wholesale of gastric bands.

How to survive – Accept the fact that you’re going to end up looking like a pregnant Pillsbury Doughboy. Don’t buy a Christmas pudding and a cake – your love affair with both is passionate, but in the end there is only room for one in your heart (and your stomach).

6. SHOPPING. It’s like God wanted to punish us for all of our mortal sins by forcing us to traipse around towns in our quests for novelty bird-feeders.

How to survive – Shop online! In the comforting realm of the Internet you can merrily fill up your metaphorical basket without interacting with a single human. However, if a shopping-trip is unavoidable, allow for regular pit-stops to sample cranberry Stilton and use the M&S facilities. Allow an extra minute for missing the exit in the Debenhams revolving door. About half an hour into your miserable excursion, you’ll start flagging. Be sure to exit TopShop before you reach the ‘zombie’ stage or you may be mistaken for one of the shop assistants. Also, start saving in October – purchasing slipper socks and scented candles will push you to near bankruptcy.

Follow these tips, and you should just about be able to make it through the recurrent nightmare that is Christmas…good luck.

Oxford academics condemn “polemical and simplistic” research

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Academics and students across Oxford have united in condemnation of a controversial research project, accusing it of seeking to justify British colonialism.

Almost 60 Oxford academics have now signed an open letter that attacks Nigel Biggar’s ‘Ethics and Empire’ as “too polemical and simplistic”, while the Oxford Centre for Global History has sought to distance itself from his research. 

But the University has again defended Biggar, emphasising the “fundamental importance” of academic freedom in its recent statement.

The open letter – written by Oxford scholars specialising in the history of empire and colonialism – claims the project “asks the wrong questions, using the wrong terms, and for the wrong purposes”.

They insisted “neither we nor Oxford’s students in modern history will be engaging with the ‘Ethics and Empire’ programme, since it consists of closed, invitation-only seminars”.

Professor Biggar  Regius Professor of Moral and Pastoral Theology at Christ Church – attacked the letter as “collective online bullying”, saying none of the academics had “the courage or sense of collegial responsibility” to raise their concerns in person”.

He added any of the academics would be at liberty to refuse an invitation to the exclusive workshops, but they “would not close the discussion down. They do not have the right to control how I, or anyone else, thinks about these things”.

The Oxford Centre for Global History said they were “not involved in Professor Biggar’s workshop or project”. Instead, they stressed that their programmes engaged critically with the “complex legacies of colonialism”, moving beyond “the problematic notion of a balance sheet of empires’ advantages and disadvantages”.

The Oxford University Africa Society also waded in, saying: “The Africa Society categorically rejects these latest attempt at colonial apologism, yearning and re-justification through the pursuit of dishonest scholarship by Biggar and associates.”

The society decried what they described as attempts to “rig these workshops by wholly excluding critical scholars”. They nonetheless clarified that they had no interest in attending “Biggar’s bigoted workshops”, as he had “already proved himself incapable” while defending Cecil Rhodes in a debate at the Oxford Union.

In response to the open letter, a University spokesperson said: “It eloquently illustrates an alternative perspective on empire taken by other University academics in related but different fields.

“Argument and differing approaches to topics are to be expected in an environment with many different disciplines and where the robustness and good health of academic freedom is fundamentally important.”

The furore follows the debate surrounding an article written by Biggar in The Times, entitled ‘Don’t feel guilty about our colonial history’, in which he claimed we should “moderate our post-imperial guilt”.

The article provoked a statement of opposition from student group Common Ground, which drew attention to Biggar’s joint leadership of the ‘Ethics and Empire’ project. The other academic in charge, John Darwin, withdrew from the project on Sunday for personal reasons.

The McDonald Centre – the University organisation which runs the programme – describes the project as “a series of workshops to measure apologias and critiques of empire against historical data from antiquity to modernity across the globe”.

As reported last week, a University spokesperson defended Biggar’s suitability for the role, stating that Oxford supports “academic freedom of speech”, and that the history of empire is a “complex topic” that must be considered “from a variety of perspectives”.

They said: “This is a valid, evidence-led academic project and Professor Biggar, who is an internationally-recognised authority on the ethics of empire, is an entirely suitable person to lead it.”

 

Professor Biggar said that participation in the project is by invitation only “so as to enable focused reflection and sustained discussion on important matters by a necessarily small and select group of relevant experts”.

He added that the “current illiberal climate” means that “such discussion is only possible in private, because the ideological enemies of free speech and thought would disrupt it, were it to be held in public”.

 

Council pledges £1.4m to help the homeless

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Oxford City Council has proposed significant spending increases to combat homelessness in its proposed 2018-19 Budget plans.

The Council plans to increase the current £1.4m annual funding of homelessness prevention services by £200k until 2022. An additional £5m is to be reserved to purchase 15-20 properties for use by local homeless families.

It has also been announced that the council will use an abandoned house in Rose Hill to serve as temporary accommodation for rough sleepers.

The UK Government approved a Compulsory Purchase Order for the four bedroom house in Spencer Crescent, Rose Hill. It has been empty since the owner’s death in 1989. Renovation plans are now underway.

The news follows the most recent homelessness street count in November, which showed that 61 people were sleeping rough in Oxford, the highest recorded figure in the city’s history.

The report on the proposed Budget stated that over 300 people a year fall into rough sleeping in Oxford, more than 25 per month.

Councillor Mark Rowley, the Board Member for Housing, told Cherwell: “Oxford City Council spends more on homelessness prevention and services for homeless people than almost any other Council of comparable size.

“Demand is rising, due largely to Government benefits and housing policy, and we are increasing our contribution still further by providing new homes … and by increasing our contribution to the local organisations that help the homeless.”

Ed Turner, the Labour Councillor in whose ward the Rose Hill property is located, told Cherwell: “I’m pleased and relieved. There are many people in acute housing need locally who have walked past this house, knowing how they, or someone like them, would benefit from being able to have it.”

As Deputy Leader of the Council in overseeing the wider budget plans, Turner said: “This budget has been produced in challenging times for Oxford. Some government policies, notably the freeze on benefits and the introduction of Universal Credit, may exacerbate [homelessness].”

Local charities have reacted positively to the Council’s actions. Homeless Oxfordshire works closely with the Council to provide emergency accommodation and day services for rough sleepers.

The charity’s Chief Executive, Claire Dowan, told Cherwell: “Homeless Oxfordshire welcomes any additional funding that will be used to support rough sleepers, people that are homeless or those that are vulnerably housed in the City.

“Homelessness is a significant issue at the moment and the City Council are working hard to address the problem.

The steps taken in the proposed Budget follow the UK Government’s decision for 2016-17 to reduce, by £956k, the Council’s Preventing Homelessness Grant allocation. Oxford County Council is also now withdrawing funding for supported accommodation for homeless persons.

Bob Price, Leader of Oxford City Council, told Cherwell that the new budget plans are intended to “soften the impact of the County Council’s complete removal of their £1.3m ‘Supporting People’ budget on the charity-based services which provide support and preventative interventions for single homeless people”.

Alex Kumar, Chair of Oxford University SU’s ‘On Your Doorstep’ homelessness campaign cautiously welcomed the proposals, saying the Council’s steps were “reassuring”.

He told Cherwell: “Failure on the part of others does not license inaction: it makes inaction inexcusable. It would be a great disappointment should either of these plans not survive consultation.”

“Our councillors now face some pressing decisions. Are they to preside over a city in crisis where businesses erect barricades and homeless squatters are evicted from unused buildings, or are they to take a stand for those who sleep in our city’s doorways, who have nothing, and ask for so little as a shelter on a cold, windy night?”

Regarding the proposed budget, the City Executive Board will consider all proposals on Wednesday before a budget consultation period opens inviting public involvement. The final budget is to be approved in February.

A pick of Oxford’s best running routes

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Whether it’s the realisation that college food is taking its toll, the desire to resuscitate the glory days of Year 7 cross country, or just a desperate attempt to break away from the monotony of work, there are many good reasons to go out for a run in Oxford – but where to go?

The University’s myriad running societies provide an excellent entry point for fresh-faced first-years, but for those looking for a more independent run, they may not be the shoes that fit. Here I hope to provide a review of several places in which to run in and around Oxford, based on a fresher’s first foray into running here, to illuminate those wondering where to start, or perhaps just seeking a new route.

The most obvious port of call is Christ Church Meadow. Central and popular, the meadow offers a nice circuit with great views of Oxford from its far side, decent terrain (provided there isn’t another freak snowfall), and is mercifully flat. There’s also the added bonus of running past some rowers and enjoying the feeling that you’re staying fit without having to wear those questionable unisuits. However, the meadow can get very busy, and the danger of encountering that college crush in a sweaty mess always looms.

Not as centrally located as Christ Church Meadow, University Parks are nevertheless well worth trying out, particularly for those craving those classic sports field vibes. It may not have the views of Oxford to be enjoyed at Christ Church Meadow, but the idyllic tributary of the Thames from which this newspaper gets its name provides equally satisfying serenity during a good jog. The many paths criss-crossing the parks allow for some experimentation with routes, all of which are again very flat.

If you feel like heading further field, and don’t mind slightly more treacherous terrain, Port Meadow may be the place for you, provided you’re fortunate enough to have a bit more time on your hands – I’m looking at you, historians. Views across the meadow on a misty morning are truly stunning, and its size means you can enjoy the experience of a proper escape from the city.  

An honourable mention should perhaps go to Aston’s Eyot, down beyond the Iffley Sports Complex. It may be some distance from most colleges, but if you want to get away from other runners/people/any sense of civilisation, give it a look. Just beware the prevalence of nettles on some of its lesser-beaten tracks!

It may well be that all or none of these places appeals to the runner in you, but I would wholeheartedly recommend giving each of them at least a try, for a bit of variety if nothing else. Happy jogging!

Is the ‘vac’ really a vacation?

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Somewhere around fifth week the thoughts of home first enter your mind. You’re slaving over an essay in the early hours of the morning, but you can’t help feel you’d be much comfier in your cozy childhood bedroom rather than your damp student accommodation, complete with a single bed whose springs pop and poke you, damaged by the enthusiastic relations of previous occupants and their guests.

Your college bar is great (and cheap) but your favourite haunts back home are where you had your first legal drink, and your student loan is quickly disappearing down the slots of the games machine.  By the end of eighth week, even Hassan’s cannot satisfy your culinary needs like your mother’s home-cooked meals can. Being home at the end of Michaelmas means Christmas food, warm nights in or nights out in your hometown, the pure joy of no deadlines and all the free time gained from not having to work, right? Wrong. Alas, this is the Oxford life – you don’t get the pleasures of being able to relax.

Eat a mince pie, have a glass of fizz, but remember – on the other side of the vac there are collections. Who wants to return from a perfect Christmas only to realise that instead of catching up with your friends in the college bar, you have to sit a handful of collections? This taints the whole holiday period. You can’t win. Either you’ll do plenty of work but end up missing out on Christmas markets and mulled wine, or you’ll indulge in wintery festivities with the guilt hanging over your head. Collections are the peculiarity of Oxford that contributes to making it so infamously taxing a place to study over other institutions: they limit your ability to truly unwind.

Even if you get over the burden of revising for collections, or scratch the itch of guilt at not ‘getting ahead’ on coursework, there’s still that little voice at the back of your mind that whispers “hey, you know that one day you’re going to leave the Oxford bubble and need a JOB? Your degree alone is not enough to fall into your chosen profession.” Oh. Then you’re flooded with more panic when you realise that you should probably be applying for internships, vacation schemes, and work opportunities. There are few things more anxiety-inducing than the festive buzzkill of repeatedly filling in your GCSE results and details of your stint working in a local pub, hoping that it will somehow satisfy the requirement for being hired by a prestigious international business.

“Isn’t this the same situation for students at other universities?” my mother said when I explained the rant I was producing. Eight week intensive terms, no reading weeks, and termly collections aside, it honestly is. Most ambitious students will apply for an internship or so in their time, and feel the pressure to revise last term’s material, knock off some of the new reading list or write chunks of dissertation in advance of term.

But does the universality of stress make it somehow okay? Why is there a culture of prestige to burning out or having a very precarious work-life balance? I accept that it is no less easy in the working environment and that it is necessary to work hard on internship applications and academic work. But there’s something to be said about questioning a university culture that exhausts students, where people fall into periods of depression and anxiety over the competitive workloads and ambitions for professional success.

To develop as a young adult, and a future professional, it is just as important to enjoy the festive time with family, and to not feel guilty over making memories (eurgh, I’m so cliché). You need good mental health in order to thrive, and currently Oxford does not do well at suggesting to its students that rather than become an overworked zombie, sometimes it’s okay to just stick your middle finger up at your reading list and enjoy the time off.

Cutting time at university won’t cut inequality

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The claim that universities are bastions of privilege is virtually axiomatic. Systemic inequality within the education system culminates to reflect a demographical and financial imbalance within universities. The most controversial aspect being the shift in the burden of pay from the state to the student.

As it stands, university tuition fees are at £9,500 per year with a 4.6% interest rate, deterring less-privileged prospective students from applying. This is a perversion of the principles of the right to education. Indeed, it was the miscalculation of the impact of tuition fees that so famously buried the Liberal Democrats in the coalition.

The consensus on the need for change (or reaction to the pressure for change) is broadly shared, hence Theresa May abandoned the planned £250 increase in fees for 2018-19. Similarly, in July this year, Damian Green stated that student debt in its current form is a “huge issue”. Acknowledging the flaws in the university system is a non-partisan apprehension. But Universities minister Jo Johnson’s most recent ‘solution’ to the problem of astronomical student debt, to reduce university courses to two years, is short-sighted and lacks a clear rationale.

His proposal to amend the Higher Education and Research Bill would allow for more ‘flexible learning’ and offer a higher annual fee limit for accelerated courses, subject to Parliamentary approval. For Johnson, an overwhelming majority of courses could be done in two years, especially with the development of the internet which has had a transformative impact on teaching methods.

An efficiency drive of this nature relates to a key assumption about academia: that the humanities don’t offer as much in terms of skill set as other more vocational degrees. For Simon Jenkins, newspaper columnist for The Guardian and past editor of The Times, the humanities are content with the valuation of education as an inherent good. Jenkins neglects to mention that the humanities will arm an individual with the ability to conduct a critical investigation, such as this one.

It is a valid statement that engineering will literally give a student a more tangible skill set. But valuing engineering above philosophy is characteristic of a paradigmatic view towards education that is driven by economic output and productivity. This is precisely the indictment that Stefan Collini makes in Speaking of Universities. For Collini, the systemisation of funding and governance has forced universities to engage more in market behaviour and entrepreneurialism. The imposition of these values from policy-makers has detracted from the value of universities as centres of learning. This detraction takes a very literal form in Johnson’s proposal to cut the three-year course.

The narrative on universities clearly expands past student loans. In his article, Simon Jenkins refers to a debate held at London’s Institute of Education between two top educational economists, Mark Blaug and John Vaizey. The debate was centred around university being a mode of personal consumption or an institution of national investment. Vaizey argued that universities were indeed a project of national investment (supposedly without offering a plausible rate of return), whilst Blaug argued that university was merely a vehicle for middle-class consumption.

One economist from the event suggested that economic growth in Germany and East Asia preceded mass access to higher education. Similarly, Alison Wolf argued that post-graduate wages are stagnant, productivity is low, and 1/3 of graduates are in non-graduate jobs. But a solution like Johnson’s, which focuses solely on time and financial efficiency, ignores the complexity of the debate surrounding higher education. Furthermore, Johnson misses one key fact about university: it should also be a period of personal development.

Johnson plans to encourage more universities to adopt these ‘accelerated degrees’ by permitting them to charge a 20% premium, raising fees to £11,100 to cover additional costs. Johnson argues that the accelerated degree will create a more efficient system whilst encouraging mature students to apply, whose application to university has shown a marked decline since the rise in tuition fees. So what of the alternatives? Labour’s solution is even simpler: to cut tuition fees all together and pay the £50,000 of debt. This acts as a corrective for the imbalance between private and state burden for higher education, which depending on your political affiliation is a good or bad thing.

In doing so, the fees would be shifted to the richest 40% of graduates away from poorer tax payers. Jenkins suggests an income tax coding system based on the years spent in higher education would be fairer. This attempts to get around the congestion in debt repayment, another serious issue. The Economics consultancy London Economics predicted up to 48.6% of loans will not be repaid. The diversity in solutions further highlights that whilst the numerous problems may be an area of cross-party consensus, building non-partisan support for any solution will be hard. In this case, Johnson’s attempts to push reform through parliament will see a substantial backlash from the Labour party who are determined to scrap tuition fees all together.

There are 140 institutions in the UK teaching more than 2.5 million students. It is time that universities are treated as more than a channel for rhetoric. Fair access to education is still, regrettably, a privilege. But it is not just the specific policy, but the approach itself that must change to ratify this inequity. Reviewing student loan arrangements or cutting the time students spend studying are solutions indicative of a British attitude problem. The quantification of the value of university should be greater than the rate of return from graduates.

The British political establishment have historically struggled to participate in great collective ideas. This had traction during the Brexit vote as the British had always failed to view the European project as a codification of collective freedoms, as well as a tool for economic convenience. To this affect, policy-makers must place education at a higher level of credence. Valuing fair access to education above economic efficiency is an imperative. Collini postulates a bold but surmountable task (or cliché): “to think again, think more clearly, and then to press for something better.” Johnson’s policy appears to be a short-term solution, but in reality, it entrenches a view of higher education as a machine for creating economic output. It is this perspective which posits that university should only be for the few for whom it is most efficient. It is this approach that will ensure inequality within our higher education system remains.

Ode to an Entz Rep

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“Let’s run for Entz,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. Like all Entz Reps, we blindly ran for the role under the impression that it would be a glamorous lifestyle of free bop juices, rep cards, and Bridge queue jumps. Now three bops, four A&E trips, and 170 litres of spirits down the line, it’s probably a good time to reflect on how well the position has lived up to its expectations.

For those not clued up on JCR electoral practices, most Entz teams run for election as a slate of four. There is a complex distribution of duties that is unique to each and every team, though it usually runs along these lines: Rep One does nothing. Rep Two does nothing. Rep Three says he’ll pick up club tickets, though actually does the same as Reps One and Two. Rep Four does the remaining duties. If you’re reading this as an Entz Rep and are unsure which one you are, you’re probably one of the first three.

Entz Reps tend to fall into two main categories: firstly, there are those that liked clubbing a bit too much in first year. These are the type of people whose mates from home ask about them with genuine concern. The second category of Reps weren’t the biggest clubbers, though still love a drink – they’re essentially alcoholics in training. Needless to say, neither of these groups are renowned for their organisation skills, dedication to their job, or general ability to function before 5pm in the afternoon. In many ways they are actually the worst people to be dealing with premises licensing, fire evacuation plans, and industrial quantities of hard spirits. Sober Entz Reps are about as common as constructive Oxfeuds.

Despite being wholly unprepared for what is expected of them, Entz Reps find themselves forced to rise to the role, or at least one of them does. They aren’t motivated by an innate desire to do the best job that they can, but largely by the fear of the angry mob if they don’t. Bops are one of the few bits of JCR business on which everyone has an opinion. This is not helped by the fact that each person has a different idea of what a decent bop should be (please bear this in mind when you’re screaming in my ear that the playlist is crap halfway through the night). The sleepless nights spent worrying whether that transition from ‘Man’s Not Hot’ into ‘Africa’ will work are not only unappreciated, but not even noticed once everyone is off their face.

For Entz Teams that can be bothered to sell club tickets, the journey to the promoters is among the least glamorous parts of the job. After being continually harassed with passive aggressive Facebook messages, you eventually cave and go to do the pickup. From the moment you step into “the office” (the table in the corner of The Lighthouse), your eyes start to water from the smell of stale tobacco. It immediately begins to feel like something of a twisted episode of Dragon’s Den, in which the five puffer-coat wearing dragons must convince you that ‘Pounded Thursdays’ at JT’s is a worthwhile investment (hint to any incoming Entz teams: it’s not). They’ll subtly enquire to whether you have a formal on Friday, a cunning ploy to try and offload that pile of ‘Retox at Fever’ tickets no one has touched. You then proceed to gently let them down by telling them that no one really likes going to Fever. You still take some of the wristbands anyway, partially out of pity, but more so because you just can’t deal with the confrontation in your hungover state.

The night of a bop (or the entire weekend if you’re an Entz rep) is where the anxiety really gets into gear. The holy grail of bops are those held at external venues like Plush, where there’s no clean-up or any sort of real responsibility – these are for Entz teams with budgets the size of the US defence programme.  They’re able to enjoy a carefree night, comfortable in the knowledge that they aren’t liable for anything that goes wrong. Meanwhile, those at the bottom of the bop hierarchy spend their evening running around with wet floor signs and bin liners full of plastic cups in their college’s function room. These rooms were designed for symposiums on sustainable development, not 100-strong mosh pits to ‘Feed ‘Em to the Lions’. The sound of smashing glass soon imparts the same level of dread as that fog horn sound from a Christopher Nolan film. Most of the evening is spent looking out longingly from behind the bar, wanting to join your mates on the dancefloor and wondering why you signed up to do this. You go home completely exhausted and disheartened, and the only pull you get is on the plunger – trying to dislodge bits of vomit from the clogged toilet U-bend at 2am.

All of this would make you not want to touch the role with a bargepole. However, despite all of the chaos, cleaning, and chunder, it still manages to be a fair bit of fun. Once you accept that no matter how good of a bop you throw there will always be complainers, it’s possible to stop stressing out and enjoy yourself a bit. Accidents do happen, but Reps are likely to have caused their fair share of carnage also. It’s almost as though those that become Entz Reps are giving back to the community for their own drunken mistakes. They may not be the best people for the job, or even remotely competent, but you’ll struggle to find a group of people more willing to sacrifice their degrees in the name of a good time – and for this, at least, they deserve a little bit of recognition.

It’s time to freshen up the BBC coverage of the Varsity Match

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The Cambridge scrum-half stands serenely behind the light blue pack. The Oxford line can do nothing but stand and wait. Bell’s hands cock, and the cycle whirrs into motion; the Cambridge forwards no longer engage in contact, but simply receive and burrow to the turf, entrusting their master conductor to engage checkmate. Bell has been supreme for 79 minutes and 59 seconds. 80 minutes exactly ticks over, and the ball is once again in Bell’s hands. Here’s the moment you’ve been dreaming of, son. Pluck the ball from the back of the ruck and absolutely leather it high into the depths of the inviting Twickenham stands.

It is in fact the only error that creeps into Bell’s game all day. It’s knocked on, a moment of untidiness that nonetheless stands out in a touch-perfect display. Only Bell can shed light on the thoughts that flickered through his mind in that moment. Had he been the de facto choice in this Cambridge unit, maybe the ball would’ve cannoned emphatically off his boot, but Chris Bell was called up to the first XV only weeks ago, when regular nine and four-time Blue Seb Tullie injured his knee. 20 years of age, an undergraduate studying History at Girton College, an unused substitute in last year’s triumph, thrown into the side this time around. It’s a good bet that amidst the fever pitch of those final seconds, the occasion finally engulfed its man.

The Varsity Match is the most venerable sporting duel between the shades of blue, once acting as the breeding ground, the ultimate arbiter for those who would go on to impact the international stage: Stuart Barnes and Rob Andrew as opposing fly-halves in the 1982, Tony Underwood as a flying winger and Phil de Glanville too later in the decade.  That is not to say that high-calibre international talent no longer dons the iconic jerseys. For years, post-graduate study at Oxbridge has been gilded by the opportunity to take the field at Twickenham. Australians from Brian Smith to the late Dan Vickerman have captained Blue in the past. These acquisitions generate a wider scope of interest and indulge social media hype, but often lost on the occasion is the mutual benefit, the impact on the undergraduate body who form the beating heart of both clubs. This is what will continue to drive the fixture forward.

The BBC still dedicate coverage to the event, albeit relegating the women’s fixture to the red button. The issue is that the coverage must keep developing if it is to counter dwindling audiences. Unofficially, Oxford went into this year’s fixture looking to cement their place as the leading amateur rugby team in the northern hemisphere, having put Bucs Super Rugby champions Hartpury College, Irish champions Trinity, and a Collegiate All-American side all to the sword with eye-catching attacking rugby this season. However, there was no mention of such feats in the build-up. While the parables of old Varsity successes warmed the crisp December showpiece, it smacked of the lack of individuality afforded to the Match. A new face perhaps, but the same questions.

I watched the fixture in a student-packed bar in the Tignes Resort on the Varsity Ski Trip, and it was significant how the crowd were distinctly more enlivened by the talent of the undergraduates than their professional counterparts. It’s tempting to suggest that a showcase of amateur rugby should be exactly that, and its coverage should cast more of the spotlight on the 20-somethings who have grafted relentlessly throughout gruelling schedules to make their marks on the occasion.

Every year, there are players for whom the Varsity Match is their swansong. This year, for instance, was Ollie Phillips’ final performance in a distinguished career. For Oxbridge’s amateurs though, it is the biggest game of their entire lives, a rare opportunity to sample the high life their elders have revelled in. This is their time. It was genuinely invigorating that the best player in each shade of blue were both 20-year-olds: Bell with his electric handling and draconian movement, and Will Wilson with his powerful dynamism and combative propensity for the high ball. Both scored tries on the hallowed turf that will live long in the memory.

Upon returning from the trip I re-watched the game on iPlayer, watching the analysis cut short in the mountains a few days prior. It was genuinely disappointing then that the post-match interview failed to convey the injection of youth that had characterised the 136th Varsity fixture, instead deciding on a sentimental trip down memory lane with the 35-year-old Phillips and his self-confessed old legs.

“You’ve obviously lived the build-up to this match,” Inverdale enthused in his closing remarks, before leading on to the most pertinent question of the afternoon, and one that simply cannot be answered unless future coverage is shaken up to reflect the Varsity Match as it is today.

“But what will it actually mean to them?”

TV gets real as Easy returns for a second season

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Easy follows the lives of different characters navigating love and friendship in Chicago. It sounds like the same tired script that TV executives keep pitching us in an attempt to make Friends happen again, but it’s not. Each episode follows a new group of characters, and explores a different aspect of relationships, the connection between each being a shared acquaintance and the Windy City.

Joe Swanberg, a pioneer in the ‘mumblecore’ independent film movement, uses his mix of improvisation and deft naturalism to create stories that are neither tired nor revolutionary, but simply real. Easy does not rely on great set pieces or plot points, instead it is a show that relies almost solely on acting and dialogue – to the point that if the sets were stripped away and replaced with an empty stage, little would be lost.

Easy makes the smallest story seem important. Characters’ lives, however insignificant they may be on the world stage, are never diminished or trivialised. Rather, we are shown a city full of different, interesting, and broken people who all contribute in their own way, and who matter to those around them. Swanberg marks himself as a skilled writer in his ability to make us empathise with the worst of humanity, with its selfishness and greed, whilst showing us that the best often lies beneath. In a culture which is increasingly turning to superheroes and gods for our lessons on morality, Easy is refreshing in its understanding that none of us have the answers, and that there often isn’t a magic fix to our problems.

Just when we feel we’ve reached the limits of our empathy, the episode ‘Conjugality’ asks us to go deeper. Jacob Malco, an illustrator who already demonstrated his profound narcissism within the first series, looks for redemption for the way he treated his ex-wife. Through pieces of dialogue, we establish his infidelity, his egotism, and the way he destroyed this woman. And yet, when they sit face-to-face to discuss his misdeeds, he appears more complicated. His teetering hesitation before saying “I’m sorry” pulls us in, as well as the tangible guilt on his face as his ex-wife, Karen, opens her heart up to him. Jacob’s ability to finally recognise his mistakes doesn’t make him good but it makes him self-aware, and ultimately allows us to like parts of him. We are seduced, just as Karen is, into thinking that his charm and wit overwhelms his flaws, until the last scene when, her trust in him destroyed once more, Jacob concerns himself more with the advancement of his career than their relationship. Although it feels that Swanberg pushes his character back to the beginning, in fact, he shows us the way in which people can be aware of their flaws but continue to exploit them, how they pay lip-service to the good in them, if only to hide the bad. How much of this feat is indebted to Marc Maron’s performance as Malco is unclear, as the lines between improvisation and script are muddied by an actor who has gone through two divorces himself.

Swanberg also makes us question even the most fundamental opinions we think we hold. Easy examines themes of polyamory, sexuality, and gender roles without ever feeling like a cynical attempt to crowbar “hot topics” into the script. In the episode, ‘Open Marriage’, preconceptions about open relationships are both explored and dispelled. Although it is clear that despite sleeping with other people their love for each other hasn’t changed, Andi and Kyle aren’t satisfied by the sex they have outside of their marriage. Swanberg doesn’t dismiss polyamory, instead he shows us its complexity, and more broadly, the complexity of human desire and love. Similarly, in ‘Lady Cha Cha’, the way in which those desires complicate our beliefs manifests itself. Chase finds that her girlfriend Jo isn’t happy with her being a burlesque dancer, despite her usual enthusiasm for women expressing their sexuality. As Jo feels compelled to share how jealous Chase’s burlesque dancing causes her to feel, the visceral images of naked female bodies force the audience itself to question how far their sex positivity goes, and whether we truly believe women should be allowed to express their sexuality.

In a show which presents sex as full of awkward moments and not always good, as well as human bodies as diverse and real, Easy compels its audience to experience its version of the real world. Swanberg shows an imperfect world full of imperfect people, and yet, his treatment of these imperfections still seems far more compassionate and progressive than the world we live in.

Why do we love anti-Christmas songs?

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Rejoice, Love Actually is on Netflix, meaning that in amongst sequences of Hugh Grant dancing in No.10, adorable shots of Keira Knightley, and a cameo by Rowan Atkinson, are the hilarious one-liners of Bill Nighy playing washed-up-has-been Billy Mack. King of the ‘Anti-Christmas song’ he asks his audience, please, “if you believe in Christmas, children, like your uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record.”

Amongst these Christmas records you have distinct categories. There’s the universally loved hymns like ‘Silent Night’. There’s obligatory X-Factor Number 1’s which have brought us such delights as Joe McElderry’s cover of ‘The Climb’. Then you have the true commercial successes. Would anyone’s Christmas be complete without the sound of Slade’s Noddy Holder declaring ‘It’s Christmaaaaaaaaaaaas’? Finally, you have the unrivalled Mariah Carey with “All I Want For Christmas is You.”

Yet, interspersed amongst these feel-good tunes are the rogue breakup songs that aren’t really that Christmassy at all. Christmas Charts always make room for these down-beat ballads. For every singalong classic, there’s someone reminding us that this Christmas, much like Billy Mack they’re “wrinkled and alone.” But the idea to release an off-beat sad-tune has been around since the 1950s. Icons like Price, Elvis, and The Everly Brothers, brought us songs with titles and lyrics as unhappy as ‘Another Lonely Christmas’, ‘Blue Christmas’ and even ‘Christmas Eve Can Kill You’ – none of which inspire good will. Surely the fact that the King and Queen of Sad-Core Johnny Cash and Joni Mitchell have had a crack at penning Christmas songs should indicate a trend for writing anti-Christmas tunes.

But the most groundbreaking to emerge from this tradition, never missing from a Christmas playlist or festive countdown, is the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl with ‘Fairytale of New York’. Typically the song comes at the night’s end, so after one too many drinks, you can disguise your drunken slurs as an impression of Shane MacGowan’s ‘unique’ voice. Now famous slurs like “You’re a bum / You’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk,” make you wonder what on earth went on in the board-meeting when the band pitched their idea to then producer Elvis Costello. Legend has it, the song we all know and love is a hashed together response to a wager made by Costello that they couldn’t write a Christmas song. Yet we might ask, realistically what is alcoholism, heroin abuse, and a toxic relationship breakdown doing in a Christmas song? It truly sounds more like a Sex Pistols track than a Christmas sing-along. But apparently it’s one of the UK’s most played Christmas tracks of the 21st Century – so what are the British public playing at? What is it about this sorrowful complaint that puts us in the Christmas mood year after year, and allows you to be obnoxiously anti-Christmas without ever being a Grinch?

Moving away from drunken bars to the ski-slopes of Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ music video, we get a more aesthetic kind of Christmassy sadness. It’s a song you associate with your parents’ office Christmas parties. Its charm you could attribute to a number of things: there are some appalling 80s perms, which have never been dampened by the test of time, or the snow and most of us recognise a young George Michael casting glances down the camera lens at you, whilst in the background, bells and 80’s synthesisers chime. All this occurs alongside the timeless lyrics: “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart / But the very next day, you gave it away”. With this tune it’s easier to pinpoint why we might be attached to a bit of sadness amongst all the manufactured mirth. Christmas isn’t a happy time for everyone. There’s heartbreak amongst it all.

But why spoil all the fun with reality? That’s the point – it is the sad reality.  The overarching themes that wrangle these songs together are loss, loneliness and separation. And there must be a reason why the most enduring songs, the miserable, melancholic, alcoholic ones are still so prevalent. Christmas is a time for empathy, but it’s also a time where we tend to turn inwards and forget those who aren’t immediately close to us. Systemic issues of isolation, alcoholism and chronic loneliness at this time of year may offer a reason as to this musical trend. That’s perhaps why bittersweet tunes like Band Aid’s ‘Feed the World’ and John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s ‘Merry Christmas (War is Over)’ are often the most successful despite their sad sentiment. Whilst the outrageous success of ‘Fairytale of New York’ might be seen as somewhat anomalous, in most cases there’s a trend to be seen and to think about.