Tuesday 7th October 2025
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Profile: Ian Hislop

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Ian Hislop is currently enjoying an extended Christmas, long after the rest of us have packed up our tinsel and trees. He reminds me of this with a quote made by his predecessor at Private Eye, Richard Ingrams, when discussing Prime-minister Edward Heath in the seventies.

“’As a human being I am appalled, but as the Editor of a satirical magazine, its Christmas’. It’s the same case now. Trump is utterly bizarre. He can’t keep a fact from one end of a sentence to another. For that reason, it is Christmas.”

Prime Minister Theresa May is just as much of a gift to the satirical magazine, the ideal protagonist for their ‘Independent State Grammar School’ feature.

“In terms of May being a headmistress, she is the perfect fit. Cameron was very bland. He was media savvy, a fairly down-the line public school smoothie.”

Editor of Private Eye since 1986 and a team captain on the BBC quiz show Have I Got News For You, Hislop is renowned for encouraging the British public to laugh at the ridiculousness of politics and current affairs. Working at the Private Eye offices this summer, I was a little worried that the sparky sense of humour I had witnessed on television or in the pages of the magazine would fade face to face with the man himself. I was wrong.

The first time I met Hislop, he was sat behind his desk in a rather messy office, flanked by piles of papers and walls decorated with letters, front pages and cartoons. He chatted away to me, funny without trying and fuming about something Piers Morgan had written a few days earlier. He scrawled a few questions on print-outs of emails. His handwriting was like him; quick, slightly all over the place and very purposeful.

This time, I find myself in a rather different location. A good hour from Soho Square, I am in a small backroom of the Cherwell offices, freezing, sitting on a half broken wheelie-chair. My headphones are so tangled that that they are cutting in to my neck. I decide not to tell him this. Hislop, however, is no stranger to our offices. A graduate of English Literature from Magdalen College Oxford, he took no time before “plunging” into journalism at University.

“I wrote three pieces for Cherwell. The first of those was on a marijuana scandal at Lady Margaret Hall. It was during my first week at Oxford and I went along to the Cherwell meeting. They put my story on the front page and I thought, ‘Oh, look, this is journalism.’”

Hislop’s time at Oxford, however, was marked predominantly by a different publication of a perhaps less conventional name.

“I really enjoyed my time at Oxford. I ran the student magazine Passing Wind, which was set up by Nick Newman before I arrived. He has been my long-term writing partner. He’s now the cartoonist for the Sunday Times. Anyway, Passing Wind had gone defunct when I arrived in Oxford and I took it over for him.

“I had a really fun time writing satire, although we’d go from room to room in Colleges trying to sell this paper. As it became sufficiently popular, we began selling it in shops, which solved the problem. We managed to make enough money for us to have enormous party at the end of each term, which was great.

“When I needed to pay off my debts for the magazine I borrowed £400 from my tute partner, an old Etonian. What else are Old Etonians good for, but the odd loan? I eventually paid him back, although he now runs a publishing company.”

“The name was a bit of a problem. Very few of the dress shops so few wanted to give us ads. Overall, it was a terrific experience.”

Hislop’s career at Private Eye began immediately after graduating from Oxford and his quick appointment to Editor, after just five years at the publication, was not met without opposition. Hislop recalled with fondness how he was catapulted into the world of the Eye. His first piece published was a parody of The Observer magazine’s ‘Room of My Own’ feature, it described an IRA prisoner on the dirty protest decorating his cell in “fetching brown”.

“I got my first piece into Private Eye just before my Finals. I had interviewed my predecessor Ingrams and also Peter Cook for Passing Wind. Then my mother read a piece on Ingrams in which he said he was looking for new blood. She called me up and said that’s you, you should write to him. So I did. I didn’t say my mother told me to write, I just sort of said ‘ah it’s me’ and he told me to send stuff. I sent in a few jokes and then one of them was published. It meant I had £30 quid to spend entirely on alcohol after my exams.“

Under Hislop’s editorship the magazine has grown increasingly successful in “satire’s new golden age of ridicule”. According to the latest ABC figures, Private Eye achieved its biggest ever print circulation in the second half of 2016. Sales of Private Eye are up nine per cent year on year, and its Christmas issue was the biggest seller in the title’s 55-year-history, selling 287,334 copies. Hislop plays down his own editorship thanking instead the “ghastly” state of current affairs.

“Satire is flourishing because last year was so extraordinary, what with the mixture of Brexit and then Trump. Everything was thrown on its head. We do two things at Private Eye, which is jokes and journalism. Right now people are looking for some form of comic relief. It’s absolutely ghastly but very funny.”

Rather than losing faith in print, he points out the merits of Private Eye’s method amidst fear of fake news. He stands firm that the paper will not go online, despite the struggles of its newspaper comrades.

“What with fake news, a lot of people are now mistrusting online journalism. There is a great hunger for journalism coming from nowhere fixed. That’s us.

“Oh god no, we’re not going online. We’re committed to print and that model seems to working for us. I think our increase in popularity is because Private Eye has a very distinct identity. We are not giving away content for free. People are very good at what they do here and the old cup of coffee thing is true. I’m giving you 50 people who are really knowledgeable on paper for the same price of your £1.80 cup of coffee. Why wouldn’t you buy it?”

In Hislop’s opinion, however, the rising popularity of satire by no means entitles the magazine to a more audacious format modelled on a publication like French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, which has aired controversial views about religion and current affairs.

“That is not our style,” he says, “It’s very continental.”

He’s also sceptical of the persuasive power of satire.

“In reality how effective is satire? I don’t want to flatter us too much. We didn’t convince anyone not to vote for Brexit and Trump. That said, there is still plenty of room for it.”

For all the praise bestowed upon it in this time of ridicule, Private Eye does not come without criticism. Whilst on work experience, I was struck by the number of emails from readers bemoaning the Eye’s inclination to criticise certain political figures over others. Hislop is keen to point out, however, that the Eye manages to successfully offend everyone.

“This may well be true to some extent, but for Private Eye this depends on what we’ve covered that week. One week I’ll have the Corbynistas writing in, next the SNP supporters and then the next people complaining about the ghastly liberal metropolitan wankers. Some weeks, we’re all Tory Public School. The next, we focus on Left subversives. As long as everyone is unhappy and complaining to me, I’m happy.”

Finally, Hislop’s advice to budding journalists: “Just do it and don’t buy the idea that it’s a pointless profession, that it’s dying, that the only future is sitting in a shed in Macedonia writing fake news. Keep going.”

“Culture change” needed for women in science, says Oxford astrophysicist

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The Astrophysicist Dame Jocelyn Bell Burnell, who is a visiting professor at Oxford University, has spoken out in favour of a “culture change” towards women in science at an event in Belfast Metropolitan College.

Speaking to girls at the event, Bell Burnell said that fewer girls studying STEM, or science, technology, engineering and mathematics—compared to boys—is “something to do with the kind of culture we have in the English-speaking world, about what’s appropriate for each of the two sexes”.

While she was still a research student in the late 1960s, she was part of a team which detected the first radio pulsar, a type of neutron star. She was the first to observe and then precisely analyse the pulsars.

However, she was overlooked for the Nobel Prize in 1974, whilst her two male colleagues received the honour. She has maintained this was not due to her gender.

In 2002, Professor Bell Burnell became the first female President of the Royal Astronomical Society, and then in 2008 the first female President of the Institute of Physics. She was also made a Dame in 2007, in recognition of her achievements in the field of science.

At Oxford, in 2015 there were 409 female applicants to study undergraduate Mathematics, compared to 736 male applicants. The success was also lower for girls, at eleven per cent compared to 18 per cent for boys.

For physics, just 38 female undergraduates were accepted in total, compared to 146 male students. The University has funded the Oxford Women in Science Project, which interviewed 39 women scientists at Oxford in 2014/2015. The aim was to provide support to women making career decisions, with a focus on the medical sciences division.

The Vice-Chancellor Louise Richardson spoke out in support of the project, saying: “I think it’s so important that we examine why it is that women are underrepresented in science, especially in the senior levels of science.”

She added: “I think it’s imperative that we dig deeper and learn more about the range of experiences so that we can understand better how we can make it easier for women to achieve their potential in the sciences, how they can advance their careers while also having a successful private and family life.”

Speaking on her own experience in the health sciences faculty, Jamie Hartmann-Boyce, a researcher involved in the Women in Science project, said: “I’m only able to comment on my experience in my particular faculty but have found it very welcoming. I’ve been supported by strong female role models and think Athena Swan has played an important role in our department in terms of this.”

One senior Oxford sciences faculty member, who wished to remain anonymous, told Cherwell: “I wouldn’t say I’ve experienced prejudice directly. I do think as a woman of child-bearing age decisions about my career—both those made by me and those made by those above me —have not been immune from decisions about how becoming a mother might affect my career trajectory. For example, I debated not doing a DPhil because I was considering having a child— fortunately I pressed ahead with it and now have a lovely son and a DPhil to show for it.

“In terms of my experiences in my department, I’ve never felt anyone has treated me or spoken to me differently because of my gender. However, I do sometimes feel that with people who do not know me or my work as well, I (and other female colleagues) am spoken down to in a way that I have not observed happening with male colleagues.”

Moving to university harms school social circles, study concludes

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Moving to university destroys childhood friendships, an Oxford study has said.

The report, titled ‘Managing Relationship Decay’, has suggested that original social circles are detrimentally effected when students leave home to go to university.

Magdalen College’s Professor Robin Dunbar and colleagues were specifically interested in how relationships change when it becomes increasingly difficult to invest in them, taking a sample of 30 sixth form students from a school in the north of England and following them for 18 months.

They found that friendship groups rapidly deteriorated when people could not go home to see their friends regularly, with students losing 40 per cent of friends every six months.

Robin Dunbar told Cherwell: “We had not expected to find such a large turn over in friendships over the year away.

“This could all be attributed to the fact that other social opportunities became available, but also more importantly, directly to lack of interactions with friends.”

The findings showed that to keep friendships going at university it requires students to invest more heavily than before.

Online interaction is emphasised in the report. It suggests that relying solely on social media is not an adequate means of maintaining friendships as it does not provide adequate interaction and emotional support.

Dunbar also noted a “striking gender difference”, as it seems that relationship decline was prevented by talking more on the phone for females, but males needed physical time together due to the different ways in which the sexes form relationships.

University College first year Conrad Will commented: “I’ve definitely found that when I’ve gone home at the end of term I have much less in common with people I used to be reasonably close with.

I would say however, that this is less true of my ‘best’ friends who I’ve managed to remain in good contact with because I have consciously made an effort to talk to them. I think the combination of a small group of close school friends and new ones from university is good as it reflects your newly expanded horizons as well as your past.”

Student Alex Buck said: “A lot of friendships are formed just because of close proximity, so if it is built on more than spending time at school together, it is more likely to last.”

Despite the apparent decline of friendships the study suggests that whilst at university, students become closer with family members.

St Antony’s student reverses decision to drop out in support of Gilbert Mitullah’s campaign

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A St Antony’s College student who decided to drop out of Oxford in order to help finance the education of Kenyan masters student Gilbert Mitullah has now reversed their decision.

Layo London threatened to commit “academic suicide” on Thursday, pledging to donate the money that would have been spent on her Trinity term Art History MA fees to Mitullah’s campaign. But now Mitullah is £4,000 away from his fundraising target, London has said “it is likely that I will stay on at Oxford.”

In a video posted on YouTube, she said she felt she has the freedom to reapply to university and wanted to “test the limits of my privilege” by leaving to support Mitullah. She urged people “not to blame Gilbert. He is a lovely individual, I am committed to fighting this because it’s so much bigger than him”.

Commenting on London’s decision, Mitullah told Cherwell: “I have mixed feelings about it. It’s ironic that she is the only African student in her masters course, leaving so that the first and only Kenyan in his course would stay, there are no winners here. Actually, the University and both of us lose. So I am not happy about it, I have urged her to stay and complete her studies because there is a greater benefit for us, but I cannot compel her to make any decisions. I am still wrapping my head around it all, but I know it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.”

After Visa complications, Mitullah’s funding was withdrawn. Since the start of a campaign to crowdfund the £25,000 required to continue his masters degree, Mitullah has attracted the support of a variety of groups including Rhodes Must Fall and the Oxford University Africa Society, and the Oxford and Cambridge Society of Kenya.

Support comes in part because of his work as a legal aid lawyer and education innovator, becoming a member of the World Economic Forum Global Shapers Community.

To date Mitullah has managed to pay £13,800 of the £25,000 needed to stay. He will be meeting with the warden of St Anthony’s College in order to request an extension.

But in regards to his College, Mitullah told Cherwell: “My department has been very supportive and helpful, especially my supervisor. But my College has offered little support if any, I felt attacked and harassed by the people supposed to be safeguarding my welfare.

“We need more BME Junior Deans, people with the power to assist BME students and greater access and funding for students from Sub Saharan Africa. An officer should be assigned to colleges to help students in financial distress to fundraise. What Layo had done in a week could have been done easier and earlier with College support.”

Layo London and Oxford University have been contacted for comment.

Chris Zabilowicz takes Michaelmas 2017 presidency in Union elections

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Chris Zabilowicz is the new President-elect of the Oxford Union, following the results of the uncontested elections on Friday 3 March.

Zabilowicz, who ran unopposed, will become the President in Michaelmas term 2017, receiving 687 votes.

Melissa Hinkley was elected to be Librarian-elect and Gui Cavalcanti was elected to become Treasurer. Maan Al-Yasiri was elected as the in-coming Secretary. For the third consecutive term, all officer positions were uncontested.

Stephen Horvath, Minal Haq, Sabriyah Sayeed, Myah Popat, and Andrew Ng were elected to the Union Standing Committee.

Full results below:

OFFICERS

President-Elect: Chris Zabilowicz – 687 (RON – 102)

Librarian-Elect: Melissa Hinkley – 671 (RON – 97)

Treasurer-Elect: Gui Cavalcanti – 677 (RON – 91)

Secretary-Elect: Maan Al-Yasiri – 674 (RON – 92)

STANDING 

Stephen Horvath – 260

Minal Haq – 159

Sabriyah Saeed – 155

Myah Popat – 130

Andrew Ng – 119

SECRETARY’S

Norbert Sobolak – 91

James Lamming – 88

Brian O’Brien – 77

Shivani Ananth – 77

Amelia Weiss – 75

Josie Dallas – 71

Isabelle Agerbak – 70

Milo Reynolds – 66

Lavanya Chowdhury – 68

Kyrill Afudego – 63

Matt Cook – 61

Moonlight: a transcendent spectacle

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I saw Moonlight at the ACS preview screening almost a month ago. During the Q&A afterwards, one of my all-time favourite artists, Raleigh Ritchie (aka Greyworm on Game of Thrones), said something about the film that really struck me, and which I’ve noticed a lot since: quite a few people, when asked what they think of the film, will tell you how “important” it is: it’s an “important” story that’s being told at such an “important” time about such an “important” subject.

This way of talking about the film is well-meaning, but it’s ultimately an inert and disempowering way of describing such an urgently moving film. Ritchie highlighted that it’s a love story, it’s about black identity and culture, about drugs, sin, and redemption, and growing up—and he begged the audience not to lose sight of these things under a sea of topicality and political correctness.

Based on Tarell Alvin McCraney’s play In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue, the script was co-written by McCraney and the film’s director, Barry Jenkins. The two found commonalities in their experiences of growing up, and wanted to write a story that both of them could identify with.

The screenplay eschews cliche at every turn; it provides a bracingly truthful look at the black experience, and what it means to turn from a boy into a man.

The film follows Chiron through three stages of his life, and is itself split into three chapters which are named as he is at each age: “Little”, “Chiron”, and “Black”. Even in the chapter titles, themes of identity, growing up and race are brought to the fore. Moonlight examines a changing, growing life, where core aspects of identity are under scrutiny, as Chiron struggles with both his race and his sexuality as he matures and defines himself in a harsh, uncaring world.

Each chapter features a different actor playing Chiron. Despite none of the three actors meeting during filming, they all seem to capture the same spirit of the character, each of them completely believably inhabiting the same role. It’s a miracle of casting, but requires some deft work in other areas to maintain a cohesive narrative viewpoint.

In the story’s first chapter, Chiron befriends Juan, a drug dealer played masterfully by an Oscar-winning Mahershala Ali. His performance is, like the script itself, beautifully nuanced – and integral to the film in ways that extend far beyond simply establishing the story.

Naomie Harris, as Chiron’s crack-addicted mother, performs a similarly incredible feat. She’s the only actor who appears in all three of the chapters, providing a connecting throughline that helps to maintain a narrative consistency even while her character experiences a fully-rounded arc.

Jenkins’ command of both the material and his actors is a marvel. Every element of the film is tuned to a fine harmony, from Nicholas Brittell’s Wagnerian yet urban score sometimes taking centre-stage, and then retreating back to let James Laxton’s beautiful, dreamy cinematography rise to the fore, before that too drops back to allow the film’s universally brilliant cast to make the most of a top-notch script.

While the film’s technical elements seem to to dance together, the story itself feels more like a waking dream. Being dropped into this underrepresented world is a little disconcerting, and occasionally not quite as narratively clear as one might like, but it’s never less than mesmerising.

As a white, middle-class male, that Jenkins has managed to craft a film which resonates with me is an incredible achievement. In the midst of all the talk about the film’s “importance”, this crucial element is in danger of being lost. No matter who you are, how you identify, or where you come from, this film has something for you.

Lady Margaret Hall under fire for hosting homeopathy conference

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Oxford’s Lady Margaret Hall (LMH) will host this year’s annual general meeting of the Society of Homeopaths on 18 March, in the face of criticism from scientists and sceptics.

Though the Society of Homeopaths is accredited by the UK Professional Standards Authority, homeopathy has been widely questioned by the wider scientific community. In a 2010 report by the House of Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, the practice was described as “scientifically implausible”.

The National Health Service website states: “There is no good-quality evidence that homeopathy is effective as a treatment for any health condition.”

Project Director of the Good Thinking Society, Michael Marshall, told Cherwell: “Given that homeopathy has been comprehensively demonstrated to have no beneficial effect for any health condition, it is the very antithesis of the kind of intellectually-rigorous ideas one would expect to see promoted within a university as prestigious as the University of Oxford.”

The Good Thinking Society is a non-profit organisation aiming “to promote science and challenge pseudoscience.” It ran a successful campaign to stop NHS funding of homeopathy by Clinical Commissioning Groups (CCGs) in Liverpool. In September, the organisation criticised the Charity Commission for refusing to deregister homeopathy groups.

In regards to Lady Margaret Hall’s hosting of the annual general meeting, Mr Marshall commented: “Nobody is calling for Lady Margaret Hall to stop accepting bookings for external events altogether, or even to accept only the events which explicitly align with their ethos; they should, however, enforce a policy that ensures they are not inadvertently lending their name to disproven and potentially dangerous quackery.

“Such a policy would not be incompatible with free speech. The Society of Homeopaths’ event is hardly an open public forum of debate or exchange of ideas, it is a £60-per-head AGM of an industry body which promotes pseudoscientific ideas on health, where contrary evidence simply won’t be heard.”

A spokesperson for Lady Margaret Hall told Cherwell: “Lady Margaret Hall, in common with many universities and colleges, occasionally rents space for other organisations to meet and for private conferences. This is a purely commercial arrangement. The act of renting space and providing food or accommodation to a group – whether it is a business or charity – obviously does not imply that LMH in any way endorses the organisation. We do not lend it ‘credibility.’ The income from this hospitality business is important to the College to sustain its academic activities.

“It is impractical to cancel the booking for the Society of Homeopaths. The Principal of LMH, Alan Rusbridger, is happy for our governing body to re-examine our approach concerning the hospitality wing of the College and see whether it needs revising in the light of concerns, but also taking into account the erosion of free speech on university campuses.”

The Conservative MP David Tredinnick, who chairs the All-Party Parliamentary Group for Integrated Healthcare, told Cherwell that homeopathy “is a well-established health system whose doctor’s are regulated by the Faculty of Homeopathy Act 1950 and the General Medical Council, and the Society of Homeopaths accredited by the Professional Standards Authority since 2015”.

He said: “I understand that Principal Alan Rusbridger describes Lady Margaret Hall as ‘warm, friendly, inquiring and open’. In that spirit I feel it entirely appropriate for any organisation, including the Society of Homeopaths which is a not-for-profit organisation, to be able to hold an event there.”

Homeopathy was devised by the German scientist Samuel Hahnemann in the late eighteenth century, based on the idea that like could cure like. Homeopaths dilute substances that cause symptoms in alcohol or water, and apply the solution in the hope that it will reverse those same symptoms.

First year medical student Gabriella Maria Kelly commented: “I think we’ve reached a point where there are so many reports by independent institutions around the world that all come to the same conclusion, homeopathy is not effective, or even a ‘dangerous pseudoscience’.

“As much as people may enjoy undergoing homeopathic remedies, I think they should never be used as a substitution for proven, effective medicines.”

The Society of Homeopaths declined to comment.

Oxford Brexit boss: academics feel “threatened” by Leave vote

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Oxford’s new head of Brexit strategy has said that academics at universities in Leave-voting areas feel “threatened” as a result of the “racist sentiment” expressed in last year’s vote to leave the European Union.

In his first interview since taking the position as the Head of Brexit Strategy, Buchan told Cherwell he would attempt to combat “that insidious suggestion that people are not welcome, (which) is the thing we absolutely can’t tolerate.”

He said: “In Oxford and the South of England it’s not such a big problem, but I imagine in parts of the country which are very powerfully strong in terms of leave, I think there is quite a lot of racist sentiment and at those universities, I’m sure their academic sta feel really quite threatened.”

Buchan added: “They’re most worried about their staff, they’re worried about students being able to come, they’re worried about their sta being secure and content and having what they need in terms of what we all take for granted in this country, which is free education, free healthcare, free social care.”

Despite this, he confirmed that Oxford has seen a ten per cent rise in applications from European Union students since the referendum last June.

The ten per cent increase in applicants contrasts to a 14 per cent fall in EU applications at at Cambridge.

Buchan said he had voted Remain and was “absolutely horrified by the demagoguery and populism and racism that we’re beginning to see in elections”.

However, Buchan was wary about the University taking an explicitly political role in the coming negotiations.

He said: “I think it’s very dangerous for us to take on a political role. Yes, we need to explain to people the risk, yes we need to set out our view, but it’s not for us to be a political instrument.”

Buchan said he was “worried” about the University being seen as “elitist,” but insisted: “we’ve somehow got to be thought of as being very precious, if you like, one of the national treasures”.

“You know, nobody would criticise Shakespeare, but actually you could say that’s really elitist—‘Shakespeare in Stratford, how elite is that?’ Oxford needs to be a national treasure; we want it to be playing in the Premier League, we want it to be top of the Premier League, but we’ve somehow then got to make that a value to everyone in the community,” he added.

Buchan was appointed to the role of Head of Brexit Strategy in December to “co-ordinate the University’s response to policy developments, and help ensure that Oxford is best-placed to identify opportunities and adapt to this rapidly evolving situation”.

He has previously warned of a post-Brexit “disaster” if the UK were to lose out on the £2 billion of EU funding into the higher education sector.

His priority, he said, was working towards “the values of openness, of scholars being able to move freely, or students being able to come and go, of freedom of expression.”

Oxford will press the government to exclude students from migrant numbers, ensure freedom of movements for academics, and find “mechanisms” to access collaborative EU funding.

Buchan also confirmed that Oxford had received no offer from French authorities to build a campus in Paris, as the Telegraph had suggested last week.

He said: “I think the story was essentially that there were some people that visited—they came to various places including London, Warwick and Oxford, and I think they were promoting the idea that there may be this facility in Paris that they would attract people to.

“I think they were generating the story and wanting the publicity, but there was no conversation about Oxford locating onto this consortium of universities, this campus in the North of Paris.”

Buchan also outlined the potential benefits that Brexit could bring to the University.

He said: “I think it’s about first of all being really upbeat, it’s about being attractive. It’s about using the Brexit challenge to figure out perhaps what we’ve not done as well as we could have.

“And how do we really, really get out there and attract students not just from the UK or from Europe but from around the world? How do we actually use this as a challenge to continue to improve the quality of people applying here.”

Single of the Week: Calvin Harris’ ‘Slide’

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“All my songs in 2017 have been sonically designed to make you feel fucking incredible” the EDM giant, Calvin Harris, announced just before the release of ‘Slide’, his collaboration with the recently risen from the dead Frank Ocean, and trap super group Migos.

For a track projected to meet such high expectations, ‘Slide’ is three minutes and 50 seconds of pure feel-good fun. The funky vibes of the clap-beat intro immediately ground it a Calvin Harris production, but Ocean’s honey-sweet deadpan soon takes over and dominates.

Ocean’s lyricism adds subtlety and sleekness to the sunny surroundings and ensures a catchy, dance-inducing end product. He croons on the hook: “Do you slide on all your nights like this? / Do you try on all your nights like this?”—it’s a simple chorus on a record made for continuous radio-play (like all other Harris hits) and it is certain to stay in your head all day, trust me.

‘Slide’ is a welcome transportation to the sun-kissed tarmac and lush palm trees of California during an especially rainy British spring and is definitely up there as one of Harris’ better musical collaborations.

Coldplay: ‘Something Just Like Piss’

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Some say that pointing out the ridiculous nature of Chris Martin’s lyrics is like shooting into either an open goal or a bound, gagged, unarmed man. This sort of analysis usually brings to mind that famous scene from The Simpsons: “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!” This is completely true.

The latest Coldplay single, ‘Something Just Like This’ is jointly credited with The Chainsmokers, best known as being just one more of those things Chris Martin will never do. Did you know that when Coldplay formed they signed a pact saying that if any of them did hard drugs the others would automatically boot them out of the band? It’s listening to the single that you really start to hope that one day Chris will try some lovely lovely drugs.

The title of the song is, in a word, tantalising—what might Chris Martin be referring to? It goes down as one of their more intriguing lyrics, alongside “I want to live in a wooden house, where making new friends would be easy” (a statement widely believed to be referring to the Defenestration of Prague) and “My drunken hazard Daniel in a lion’s den” (widely cited in Philosophy of Linguistics as a prime example of a category mistake—I prefer to think of it just as a mistake).

The song starts, and Chris jumps in with his first few lines. Apparently he’s been “reading books of old—the legends and the myths”—in fact, he’s been reading about “Achilles with his gold, Hercules and his gifts”. Remember, Chris did Classics so he’s a very smart guy. Very smart.

So, Achilles, Hercules, all well and good. It makes you wonder—which other myths and legends has he been reading about, maybe Hector, or Theseus? Don’t worry, for Chris tells us: “Spider-Man’s control, and Batman with his fists.”

Chris has cleaned up the myths section of the library with the first two lines, so presumably that makes Spider-Man and Batman the ‘legends’. There I was expecting King Arthur, but no, Chris has really pulled the rug from under all of our feet there. What a deviant.

Chris identifies each character with a key skill and, of course, referring to Spider-Man’s “control” is what many people think of when they’re asked to describe his super-power. Not the ability to shoot webs from his veins, no—his control.

I’m sure it takes all of us back to that moment in the (criminally underrated) Spider-Man 3 where the Green Goblin shouts after Spidey, “Curse you Spider-Man, and curse your control!” And actually, Spider-Man must have great control—great bladder control, that is. After all, I can’t remember a moment in any of the films where he needs a wee.

And this is where the sad part happens as Chris remarks “Clearly I don’t see myself upon that list”. I always thought the rumours of Chris’s degenerative and explosive bowel condition were fake news. Saying that, the qualification of the statement with “clearly” gives the impression of a man eager to cover up the fact that he obviously does see himself standing alongside Achilles and Batman. Sadly for Chris, I don’t think that’s true—he’s only the fourth most famous Martin in the music industry (after Dean, George and, of course, Ricky).

But as Chris breaks up the octave into the EDM chorus, and screams “I want something just like this/Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo/Doodoo-doo, doo-doo-doo/Doo-doo-doo, doo-doodoo” it’s clear that he’s so happy churning out mediocre lyrics (unless “doo-doo” is a reference to the aforementioned bowel condition) that there’s something rather charming about him.

Maybe the song’s a mess, and maybe he’s an odd guy, but I don’t think I want Chris to ever change. That doesn’t mean this song is worth any more than one lowly star though.