Passe Notes

Alright, luv. Come again?A li’le help with the ho-oover this afty would be nice. Ah say yo’ cannot knit a full life o’ negatives. i’m sorry but i can’t understand a word you are saying. Oh, see. This is a ‘northern’ accent, is it? i’m sorry, know you learnt hindi on your gap year but you just don’t get it. try working down a coal mine first.northern? oh, just assumed it was foreign. you mean not everyone at Oxford is from south of the Watford Gap?sadly no; there is no university rule that prevents our class inferiors from coming down south with their flat caps and their whippets. still, at least they aren’t all scousers.So they aren’t all from the same place?Dear lord, no! The north is a big part of England, larger then the rest of it, and if you placate the welsh and scots by accepting them as honorary northerners the bracket gets even wider. what sounds homogenous in its hilarity to you is in fact a rich and diverse range of regional accents and dialects. and Manchester and Liverpool are nowhere near each other, or raging civic hatred would have led to both cities being gutted long ago. actually, come to think of it…People from post-industrial wastelands scare me. how do i spot this insidious breed before they steal my credit card?Think battered parkas, clothes from the discount aisle of primark, and an unnatural fondness for hotpotch, Barm cakes and pie. Northerners eat phall or Vindaloo curry without tears welling in their eyes – though the opposite happens when they listen to the smiths. Common errors of judgement include mistaking lager for beer, pot Noodle for nutrition, ibiza for a cultural holiday and peter Kay for satire. if any doubt remains ask what team he or she supports. i can guarantee the reply won’t be Manchester united – they get that beaten out of them at an early age.once almost got cornered by some northern people on Cornmarket. They looked pretty rough and ready. Would i have stood a chance?Frankly, no. Northern children built the British empire. They are bred as fighting machines on raw eggs and Boddingtons. running is always your best reaction. The only way you’d stand a chance against a northerner is if they’re from durham.vicious bastards. so why are they allowed into oxford at all?well not all of them are bad. some of them even come out with 2:1s. and the north has plenty of rich people with big houses, fancy cars and plush private educations just like where you live. in fact, most northerners at Oxford are just southerners with a slight speech impediment they mercilessly milk for a bit of undeserved street cred. Shut them up by inquiring into the fate of the smiths, Factory records or Manchester city. works every time.ARCHIVE: 6th week MT 2005