The Browne Review. No, I’m not still talking about anal sex. My homofriendual read that article last week and said it seriously put him off the poo chute for a while, and nobody wants that, so I’ll leave off the bumholio for a while. At least textually (boom boom). But yes, The Browne Review. You know what I’m talking about, the fact that university is going to cost a gazillion pounds and the only people who will be able to go are the large of teeth, the big of hair, the thick of skin – yes, YOU’VE GOT IT, the fabulously rich.
But if most people get sexually awakened in university these days (frigid bitches – cheeky fingers were pretty much on the curriculum in my secondary school) how will this affect sex? If you’re the only person milling around campus without a double-barrelled surname, second home in San Tropez or a braying tone of voice, what kind of nasty are you going to be doing? Well, we can assume first of all that after homoerotic goings on in their boarding schools, the He-Rahs will have a high pain tolerance and a tendency to associate sex with power. Standard.
The She-Rahs, on the other hand, will favour the girl-on-top, or the reverse cow-girl, because she hasn’t spent hours on that huge head of hair for nothing. Years of trophy wives have given her the gift of volume, and there’s no way she’s giving that up for easier access to the g-spot, yah? Don’t be so bladdy stupid. You povvo. One could argue that the picture I paint is not dissimilar from Oxford now, we have a disproportionately high Rah-ratio (rahtio?) despite equal opportunities/outreach/the fact that every Rah one meets seeming inexplicably retarded.
Perhaps that’s explained by the fact He and She-Rahs largely interbreed. They favour their own kind. You can hardly blame them. Imagine encountering a naked body not lightly tanned from a brief spell in Bermuda, imagine waking up on cotton-mix sheets (ew), imagine encountering a climactic cry, the vowels of which are not elongated. Nasty. Why pig out on burgers when there’s so much prime rib-eye steak wandering around Kukui these days? And it’s just going to become easier for them to avoid us sex-hungry, thin-haired, inferiorly educated losers when this Browne Review kicks in. University graduates will be the best-educated, most sexually satisfied people in the world. Suddenly I feel my natural political apathy subside. I could take part in a march later. Or I could just do a Browne Review of my own. And this time, I am talking about anal.
