When I was in secondary school, the few of us who were barely numerate were made, each year, to take the ‘maths challenge’. In a bid to add levity to the experience, question one would usually involve the number of that year. In life as in maths challenge, I didn’t have high hopes for 2011. But in life as in maths challenge, I underestimated it a tad. 2011 seems like one of those awkward prime numbers. Actually, it’s a ‘sexy prime’. And the year 2011 has thrown up one or two juicy bits of its own.
January – A big cheer went up from South Sudan as people voted for a wiggly line across a map. This was followed by an even bigger cheer from international atlas-printing companies.
February – My birthday. Also an Egyptian dictator steps down after thirty years in power, but you have to prioritise these things. Charlie Sheen coins the word “bi-winning”. I still don’t know what it means.
March – Bad things going down in Japan and Libya so we try and forget about it by having a nice big Census. Love a good form.
April – Facebook polluted with fashionable cynics declaring their refusal to watch the Royal Wedding, then ‘Liking’ sixty pages related to Pippa Middleton.
May – bin Laden settles down to enjoy the May Bank holiday. He should have taken out a privacy injunction, but was told by Ryan Giggs that they’re a bit shite.
June – There’s some stuff going on with these Greek guys trying to borrow a few quid.
July – Harry Potter film franchise ends, adding to already horrific youth unemployment figures. Amy Winehouse decides on the ‘go while you’re young and on a high’ option – probably in both senses. I finally stop receiving creepy answerphone messages from Rupert Murdoch.
August – It took about six years, but Kaiser Chiefs’ prediction came true. Five-year-olds singing ‘London’s Burning’ are not told to shut up by their parents. Accessorize plundered on a scale not seen since AD 865.
September – We are the 99%! And have been for far too long! Like the effing battery charge indicator on my laptop.
October – Steve Jobs and Muammar Gaddafi depart from this world, leaving people to debate their favourite former All-Powerful Overlord Of An Empire That Produces Valuable Commodities. The Other Place replaces their university chancellor, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh, with the guy who runs Sainsbury’s. Tabs: always plumping for the discount option.
November – A sprinkling of Real Life in Oxford, as public-sector strikers make it awkward to swagger down Broad Street like a boss. Jeremy Clarkson offends everyone again – a talent he has been nurturing since birth. The EU begins its annual discussion relating to cod. Teenage boys begin their annual procrastination relating to COD.
December – David Cameron decides to be the ‘indie kid’ of European leaders. The Iraq War (what’s that?) officially ends. Madame Tussaud’s pricks its ears as Kim Jong-Il dies.
Thus on to 2012. It promises… well promise. And its share of fun, fees and the bland. In the meantime, keep calm and carry on – old posters can’t go wrong.
