Big, fat, nondescript. Maybe that was what was on your plate at hall last night, or a precise photo-profile of the last person you landed at Camera. I can also safely assume it’s that huge wad of a codex in your room emblazoned ‘Exam Regulations’, currently sat on your shelf/floor/unwashed plate, unless you cunningly ‘left’ it at home after Michaelmas to make room for the extra Jäger. Whilst definitely the fifth best thing to come into my possession last October after my four free University of Oxford Student Notebooks, it took something of a hit in my estimation after I found out that 1.5/1125th of it was actually relevant to me and the rest left a lot to be desired on the bedtime-reading front. What for it now?
Doorstop
This is a genuine use and the original inspiration for this article. Exam Regs are versatile and can be propped against doors, or even jammed in the frame for a stylish “look, no wedge” look.
Jenga
For those of us not fortunate enough to work in the Oxford University Press warehouses, hoarding and piling everyone else’s Exam Regs is the ideal inappropriate 2am answer to the standard communal board game. As this version broadly involves picking holes in the existing Regulations and putting more on top, some PPEists will find it delightfully analogous to their desired futures.
Saving your life
First World War British serviceman Corporal Frank Richards had a Bible. Former US president Teddy Roosevelt had a single-folded fifty-page speech. Whether you’re an Assassin’s Guild fanatic, coming into a lot of money shortly, or simply scared of snipers, Exam Regs provides top-dollar torso protection on the cheap. Wear it close to your heart.
Taking a life
Alternatively, maybe you’re thinking about running for Union next term, or perhaps that weird guy in Schools who honks a little over-keenly at ‘lecturer banter’ is simply far too annoying. Exams Regs is your friend, but you really wouldn’t want take that bad boy to the cranium.
Song lyrics
Back in the day, Handel didn’t make up his lyrics. Proselytising prose for pros were psalms from the Book of the ultimate G, Gee Oh Dee. Messiah was a hit, but getting the words down wasn’t much harder than the job of whoever it was that wrote Barbra Streisand. So if you’ve got your dub on like Tinie Tempah or Tinchy Stryder or some other variety of Small Misspelled-Nouun, consider taking Exam Regs as inspiration. Stuff like “Regulations 4.15-4.19 below apply to the appointment of external examiners” can only be described as a ‘massive ch00n’.
Recreating a terrible version of that Yellow Pages Christmas advert
With the startling audacity of coming on to taller girls at the age of about six, no doubt the posh little Lad in question has since had his share of further ‘success’, and Fuzzy Ducks. For us though, the Yellow Pages has gone from brick to flatbread, making Exam Regs your bulky saviour in awkward tiptoe mistletoe moments. Not recommended for size 12 feet.
Property development
Oxford’s housing problem is a well-known one, but so is your secret love for Lego-like activities. Time to tackle both. While Exam Regs aren’t guaranteed to be A-rated energy efficient, they could probably handle a monsoon or two. Plus, Bob the Builder made the whole construction business look very straightforward; all you really needed was breezeblocks and pink icing. Who knows – with minimalist design in vogue these days, it’s perhaps something to try after losing that game of Jenga.
Drinking game
What better way to kick off a desolate Monday evening than shots and Exam Regs. Start from the top, down one for “Candidates may offer”, and down a gallon after every instance of “Honour School”. Which isn’t the sort of school you’ll be in by the end of it.
Forging Sir Thomas Bodley’s signature in and eBaying it
Not going to lie, someone in rural Rajasthan is probably going to buy it.
