The day our royal couple got married, the question on every teary-eyed, Union-Jack-waver’s mind was whether tonight would be the night that the third in line would be conceived (and if so, when the making of it on DVD would be released). Well, the time has finally come. Despite whispers on Twitter that Kate was too “thin to conceive,” the Duchess and the Duke of Cambridge have not failed to provide the long awaited chapter of the Wate/Killiam saga: Kate gets up the royal duff.
On Monday it was announced that Kate had been taken into King Edward VII hospital and, due to very real fears that her hospitalisation would cause a public cardiac arrest, the Palace officially announced that she, 12 weeks pregnant, was suffering from hyperemesis gravidarun (a very acute form of morning sickness). Although this news is of course not nearly as important as when she was spotted wearing a dress from Zara, or that time when she “recycled” her £1,100 Alexander McQueen gown by – wait for it – actually wearing it again, the Guardian has already devoted six articles to the subject and the Daily Mail Online nearly had a server break down.
Everyone from the Princess of Wales to the Archbishop of Canterbury have since publicly extended their congratulations to the expecting couple. Even David Cameron said it was “wonderful news.” Well, anything to make the public forget about what’s actually going on – he probably got down on his knees and cried when he heard Kate was preggers. Remember the benefit slashing, anyone? NHS reforms? Of course not, because Kate’s on private healthcare, silly. Dave even went as far as to say that the couple would make “absolutely brilliant parents.
Granted, with that amount of staff at their disposal and the financial support they’ll receive, it would be mathematically impossible to be bad parents. But on a more spiritual level, it cannot be denied that, as role models, they both fail. Kate, who is a pretty, passive extension of William’s arm and who has hardly spoken a public word out loud, is the perfect upholder of the old mantra that women should be seen and not heard. And as for William, I don’t even need to get started on the whole existential problem of what-is-the-purpose-of-his-life since his degree choice – Geography – succinctly sums up everything we need to know.
Because the unborn child will be third in line to the throne and, if it has more luck than Charles, will one day wear the crown, the public will want to know everything about its life – from when it says its first words to when it sprouts its first pubic hairs. The poor thing doesn’t have a chance. Any responsible adult should at least start thinking about “pulling a Dumbledore”, that is, sending the kid to a Communist country for the first 12 years of its life to avoid it turning into (in the words of the wise Headmaster) “a pampered prince”, and then on his 11th birthday having a friendly giant come to tell him “Yer is a royalist, Harry/Harriet”. This is assuming they decide to name it after its fun and charismatic Uncle (FYI expect a frenzy in the media on potential baby names, alongside evidence on how hyperemesis gravidarum is actually good at keeping shameful baby weight at bay and speculation as to when Pippa will finally get her act together and be a proper woman like her sister).
Since the nation’s love affair with Kate began, the only people who have really benefited have been upper-end high street labels for whom the Duchess has a penchant – Reiss, Whistles, and LK Bennett, to name a few. During the next nine months, anyone passing through Oxford High Street on a regular basis will notice that all those shops which most of us can’t afford will miraculously develop a maternity section. Perhaps some good can come out of making such a fuss over this one unborn child, after all. Perhaps Kate will help all Pregnant Women across the country by making the high street expand its range in glamorous maternity wear. Yes, perhaps the best thing to come out of all of this is that the Duchess becomes the shining beacon of hope for the much underrepresented demographic, the PWILF.
