In the two years that I’ve spent as Admissions Officer here at Pembroke College, one of the things I am asked most often by prospective applicants is how to decide which college they should apply for, under the impression that this is an all-important decision. In reality, though, unless you are a fully conscious human being, capable of experiencing emotion and noticing your surroundings, it really won’t matter which college you end up at.
Apart from things like different state/private school composition, altered attitudes towards rustication, completely separate teaching setups, widely varying socio-political atmospheres, and divergent accommodation arrangements, you will have exactly the same student experience no matter which college. It’s all technically Oxford after all, what does it matter if the college forgot to mention their concrete jungle first-year accommodation miles down Cowley Road? Gazing from your window into someone’s garden shed is exactly the same as musing upon the dreaming spires and picturesque lawns of the college prospectus. In any case, being totally unaware of your surroundings due to the torpor into which you have fallen will make it even less likely that these differences will affect your time here at Oxford.
Most students base the decision on their favourite college crest, or just the one with the funniest name. I hear Oriel is full of students with an obsession for Oreos and the Little Mermaid. Got a favourite saint? Perfect. Perhaps there’s a college with the name of your place of birth? Decision made. You won’t regret it, I promise you. Of course you won’t. Regret implies consciousness, whereas you’re able only to conform, all possibility of regret taken from you by this lethargy which has dulled your senses.
Occasionally, you’ll hear people argue that location is an important consideration in terms of which college you might want to pick, but this really is overstated. The easy 25 minute walk from St Hugh’s to Exam Schools every morning will be a leisurely start to your day, and barely different to if you were at one of the colleges in the centre. And you’ll scarcely even the notice the walk – you notice little these days.
Similarly, it is sometimes said that you should take financial matters into consideration when deciding on a college, but although St John’s gives each of its students £300 to spend on books and laptops whilst Pembroke forces its students to pay for formals they might not even be able to attend, financial issues should not be a problem for a student at any college. And in what way would they be a problem? Why would those figures in your bank account even matter? What would even constitute a problem for you, now that you are devoid of the ability to feel pain? Nothing matters anymore.
