The Christmas spirit never dies at this paper. Although we are coming to the end of the festive season, preparation for the next has already begun. Recently Netflix approached Cherwell with a proposal to buy our weekly theatre preview show ‘A View From the Cheap Seat’. The contract outlines a plan to turn our show into a multi million-dollar festive Christmas TV franchise. The proposed ‘A View from the Cheap House of Narcotic Christmas Cards‘ will detail the exploits of a balding power hungry South Carolina property developer who builds a low quality Christmas card factory as a money-laundering front for a local Columbian narco-traficking gang. It will be set in Oxford and will include all the best of Netflix’s (and Cherwell’s) original shows.
The Netflix producers assured Cherwell that the venture will combine the charm of Oxonian crime dramas (think Inspector Morse and Lewis) with the titillating ‘edge’ of American power politics and internal South American drug wars. If the Netflix incarnation of Top Gear flops, we’ve been further promised that Jeremy Clarkson will himself take the role of the Frank Underwood(esque) property developer. But we insisted that given the natural reserve of talent at Oxford, the fitting Mr Clarkson will not be needed to play the role of the shameless profiteer.
Oxford residents have reported sightings of film crews around Jericho and other classic Cheap Seat locations. Among these, the Cherwell office has (with surprisingly few adjustments) been adapted into the headquarters of a Central American drug lord. Meanwhile producers have been touring some of Oxford’s over priced sub standard student accommodation – to get a feel for the immorality of the lead character’s real estate ambitions.
Cheap Seat creator, Mark Barclay, has taken a role in safeguarding the legacy of his project. He recently accepted a minor role as the property developer’s sex slave in exchange for the intellectual property rights to the show. He hopes that this role will bolster his prospects of being cast in a piece of new writing at the BT.
The talent behind the camera is uncertain but negotiations are underway to split the direction between Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino. The former will bring the dreamy haze and the latter the violent spires – jointly creating a terrifying and beguiling vision of a house price wrecked Oxford. Having visited the town, both directors say they will forego their stylizations in favor of cinema verite.
The town welcomes the investment, but not all who wear the gown are pleased. Christ Church felt snubbed after not being chosen as the main location. We explained to the college authorities that the predominant trend in contemporary television is escapism – so there would be no appeal in using Christ Church as the backdrop to a cocaine filled saga of socio-economic injustice. Conversely, members of St Catherine’s College were indignant that a similar logic was not applied when their premises were selected as the set for the Columbian drug cartel’s money laundering Christmas card factory.
This promises to be an exciting time for Cheap Seat and we will sorely miss our humble origins. We thank you again for watching and ask you to look out for the global release of ‘A View From the Cheap House of Narcotic Christmas Cards’.