First sex encounters with strangers can always be a bit of a hit or miss type of situation. But in today’s endless use of internet and programming it has become socially common through cyber interaction to meet strangers and have meaningless sex. One can judge and one can point fingers; hell, I used to be that obnoxious goodie-goodie who looked down on my sister’s acquaintance who now has a ‘Tinder baby’. But if you’ve never tried it or are unaware of the circumstances, can we really judge?
Society’s approach towards meaningless sex takes a more indirect road. After all, how many of the people who go on a night out are really just looking to ‘get some’? A simple solution to your endless nights of lingering around, enjoying the music and company when you’re really looking for some action is surely to download a ‘dating’ app on your phone. So that’s exactly what I did. Here I was on my way to meet this tattooed Italian who embodied the definition of cheesy gym rat; looks were clearly not in my criteria for a one-off. It was embarrassing enough that I took a 30-minute train ride to get laid in the ghetto of a European suburb, but also mildly regretful when I discovered he was about a third of my size with tainted blue sunglasses. Inside, the foreplay was minimal and not satisfactory. At this point I just wanted to be pounded and get it over with. He began to rub against me with a slightly disappointing size and not enough lubricant. I like lubricant. Just as I was thinking “put it in already!” he let out a deep groan and collapsed on my back. I jerked my head backwards and asked him that post climatic question we all dread. He said, “What? Oh shit, was I not inside of you?”
I wanted to laugh but was also in a state of dramatic teenage shock. I left the building with a cloud of anti-climatic weight over my head, even though the sun was super aggressive that day, annoyingly so. I was bewildered and my walk of shame, with my fly open, was not worth the super hot sex that I had just had. Should I be flattered or upset? I remember feeling more angry at the fact that my itch was not scratched after a trek to the outskirts of the city, and that I had to invest even more time on public transport. That being said, public transport can be comforting, and I reflected on the silly encounter even though it was unworthy of my dramatic analysis. From past encounters, I could handle girls telling me I was too hairy or guys asking me why I don’t go to the gym and feeling excess amounts of self-loathing. Now, however, I was in the driver’s seat. It was my turn to ask, “Why are you so bad at sex and why did you cum so quickly?!” I decided to take the high road and bask in my own unnecessary shame. To make myself feel better, I thought that as humans sometimes you just have to bang a frog, or in my case almost bang a frog, and not think about Mr or Mrs Right. So, moral of the story: start sleep- ing with cyber-land strangers. Yes, I admit I was horny, but just for the record, I have never farted in my life.
