Boris Johnson addressed the decade old issue of underfunding the health service on Easter Sunday. “Our NHS is the beating heart of this country – it is unconquerable, it is powered by love,” he announced, which of course explains why it does not actually need money. “If I had only known I would have voted to cut funding years ago,” declared Ray Ginhardon, the MP for Chunky Bungton. The most dramatic response has been from the Labour Party, as nearly all shadow ministers and high-flying officials have resigned. The party website is now blank except for one phrase – “Thanks for clearing it up Boris, could’ve been a bit sooner mind.” Only one official, the shadow minister for probing questions has been openly critical of the government: “I, for one, am just constantly suspicious,” stated Mr Chiz E. Finger with a severely raised eyebrow.
We asked Jeremy Corbyn for his take on these developments. A tip-off led us to a Cornish Campsite, where we found him toasting marshmallows and singing along to The Wolfe Tones’ greatest hits. He was participating in a competition that consisted of seeing how close you can get the marshmallow to the flames before it set on fire. “Money-Schmuney, of course it’s run on love, I was right all along,” he replied jovially, although distracted. His marshmallow had just caught alight for the third time and his bearded friend started doing a victory lap around the campsite.
Other random policies seemingly meant to deflect attention from the government’s incompetence have also been explained. An insider source declared that the real intention behind children drawing rainbows was to create talismans to fend off Covid-19 or, as some diehard racists still insist on calling it, ‘that Wuhan virus’. The Minister for Public Information Aiya Shoryu has denied these claims, but the throngs of people in rainbow tie-dye prison outfits – better known on the covers of the Daily Mail as the ‘army of kindness,’ have been demanding that all children produce a poster an hour to place in their windows for centralised collection. They will then be taken to a factory in a secret location and sewn into face masks for distribution to frontline health workers.
Sceptics question the scientific basis of this endeavour, but a well-respected outer-Hebridean sea witch has provided a much needed source of legitimacy for the government’s plans. Holy talismans “really do work” assured the sea witch. “Lying in a bath of frogspawn under a full moon is a well known fix-all and does wonders for the skin,” she elaborated while casually pelting rabbit feet at passers-by. She continued unprompted: “what I’m more frustrated about is all this ‘support local businesses’ BS. I got a take-out from the pub last week and that curry gave me gut-rot and butt-rot for three days straight. I couldn’t sleep. I hope he goes bust.”
We asked local Rev. Selma Soul for her take. She recommended sacrificing a loo roll to the Spirit of the lockdown to make you feel better. Pope Francis weighed in on the debate, announcing that, “There’s a reason you can’t spell ‘help the sick’ without ‘peckish’ and it’s because I work too hard and need a tea break.” He later added on Twitter that the love of God will cleanse all virus victims, and that he is offering a free crucifix to anyone who willingly converts to Roman Catholicism. No NHS representatives had the time to give us a statement, although when asked one stressed emergency room worker did give quite a fierce eye roll.