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John Evelyn: 0th Week, Hilary Term 2022

An inside look at the Oxford Union.

Much like John Evelyn, the union has decided that, after a long spell of messy and toxic matchups, this term it’s time to branch out and try a three-way.

You might recall that the last time something similar happened, the Union was about to couple up with an Australian gentleman, but some chap called Ron got in the way. As is often the case when one’s first option falls through, the Union ended up in a four-way with some slightly older folks and things got a bit weird. Hopefully, this time, the longer build-up will mean everyone is more comfortable when the moment finally comes.

The Rapid Climber has reConnected with the dynamic duo that is European Girlboss x European Boyboss. The LMH Enforcer, on the other hand, was Inspired by the musical clout of David Guetta and the career prospects of the Campus Ambassador. John Evelyn hears he is planning a 70 person slate social this Saturday at LMH in paralysing fear that he might not get his campaign started soon enough. The Univ Queen has renewed her OUCA Prime subscription and express-shipped two veteran hacks from the university’s other favourite society. John Evelyn hopes she remembered to put the purchase on her personal debit card and presents her with the Garbage Collector of the Week award for reaching deep enough into the bin to pull these two out.

It’s dating season in the union, as each slate desperately tries to fill its final officer position. John Evelyn has heard that the ROs are thinking of putting all the slate leaders and eligible single hacks on an island together to see if they can find The One. They say there are many Fish in the sea, but at present no one seems to be getting any bites. Senior appointed are currently sheltering together in a coffee-proof bunker, however a little birdie told John Evelyn that one member may have been temped over to the electoral dark side…

Meanwhile, all wait with bated breath to see who, if anyone, the Privately-educated Progressive will look down upon favourably from her high throne. We can only wait and see whether this planned three-way does indeed come to climax, or if someone pulls out beforehand with cold feet.

More to come.

John Evelyn x

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