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John Evelyn: 5th Week, Hilary Term 2022

Well it’s been more of the same filth in the Union, but John Evelyn did promise that this week’s entry would be a little less raunchy. So, wild tales of the sexual deviance of committee will have to wait for another day. John Evelyn knows a few people who will be happy about that. Instead, we turn to the second most important thing in the Union: politics, ugh. 

But with elections just two weeks away things are hotting up for our lovely hacks. The Univ Queen’s crown has been slowly slipping, as after finally finding a rather Rad(ley) final officer candidate, disaster struck as he had a change of heart. The Garbage Collectors are now digging deeper and deeper into the bin, checking each piece of trash again and again to see if it could make a good officer candidate. Rumour has it a particularly stinky Fish carcass has been inspected somewhere around 8 times.

After a slow start to their hacking, forgetting to host any dead library bops or attend any Hayek not-sex parties, Connect 2.0 have launched themselves into the game with a huge play on the pages of this very publication. John Evelyn can confirm that with the assemblage of Union hacks and student journalism we are now officially at the very centre of hell.

Secretary’s committee is always a fun place to hang out in the weeks before an election, as senior hacks attempt to convince junior hacks that, no, it is really worth going into you social capital overdraft to earn the honour of sitting in endless meetings all Monday. Here too, it’s been more bad luck for the Univ Queen, with the LMH Enforcer going full Clyde Barrow and snatching her only seccie. Rumour has it he has found his Bonnie somewhere on seccies committee.

Meanwhile, the Ultimate Bromance has had to make the crushing decision to have one half pull out of the contest, as their love was too strong to bear competing with each other. This term has seen the usual number of spiritual awakenings on secretary’s committee, as most choose not to run on. John Evelyn hears there are some cushy appointed positions from which to collect great gossip, if anyone is interested.

Just a little bit more to come. John Evelyn x

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