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John Evelyn: 3rd Week, Hilary Term 2022

An inside look at the Oxford Union.

It’s been a horny few weeks at the Union. With the termcard set, the excitement of the first few weeks abating, and the spectre of elections still just far enough over the horizon, your indefatigable committee members have been left with far too little to do and have begun shagging one another.

Nowhere has this been more true than on sex-retary’s committee, where current and former members alike simply can’t keep their hands off each other. On a particularly big night out, one member plucked up just a bit too much Dutch courage and found himself waking up East of the Cherwell in an unfamiliar bed, but next to a familiar face. 

Meanwhile, it’s been from one extreme to the other for the Univ Queen. Last time it was OULC. This time it was the attempted sex party by the Wannabee-Bullingdon Boys over at the Hayek Society. But our Queen and her consorts weren’t there for the sex. No, they were horny for some votes. Unfortunately, in their haste to attend every hackable event that evening, they forgot to abide by the dress code. Imagine showing up to a black tie Tory sex party in casual dress. My lord, the humiliation. No secret after-party orgy at the Randolph for you, tut-tut.

It was not all in vain, however, as it has been reported that the Queen may have slated one of her very own Wannabee-Bullingdon Boys, none other than the Italian Stallion himself. Perhaps the future does hold a few Randolph after-parties. John Evelyn is not envious. Still, anything would beat going to the non-orgy after party that wound up in the  lair of a particular Greek God.

In even sexier news, the ROs are now in fisticuffs over exactly what system should be used to decide the order of precedence for replacing empty committee positions in the event that a committee member resigns or is removed. I guess that’s what they get up to when they have too little to do.

Finally, in the sexiest but saddest of news, the Union has eaten of the forbidden fruit and been ripped from the Garden of Eden. It shall be dearly missed.

Well, that’s been another two weeks in this veritable bone zone. John Evelyn apologises for the filthiness of his colleagues and promises his next entry will be more highbrow.

More to cum. John Evelyn x

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