Blog Page 1069

Review: The Sellout by Paul Beatty

Benjamin Davies
-
0
Review: The Sellout by Paul Beatty

Talking to The Paris Review last year, Paul Beatty said he thinks plot is a “very subjective” element. Fortuitously, plotting doesn’t seem important to The Sellout, his latest novel and recently-announced winner of the Man Booker. The unnamed narrator, subject in childhood to an experimenting psychoanalyst father, meanders around his life as an inner-city farmer in present-day Dickens—a kind of fictional Compton—accompanied by Hominy, a washed-up actor who insists on being his slave and encountering Marpessa, his ex who now drives buses. In the place of “plot”, there is at least an “idea”, a selling point. The narrator wants to resegregate his city, and ultimately all of America. With Hominy’s help, he starts segregating Marpessa’s bus and works his way up to local education.

It is, surprisingly, quite a funny book. In the same interview, Beatty was asked if he was a satirist, to which he replied, “No, not at all. I’m surprised that everybody keeps calling this a comic novel.” His publishers apparently didn’t get the memo: the cover of my fresh Man-Booker-stamped copy has a Guardian quote calling the work a “lacerating American satire”, and the blurb adds that it is “biting satire” that shows off Beatty’s “comic genius”. (On Beatty’s superb sense of humour, the irony is surely not lost: this novel is all about how difficult it is to control identity.) But he forgets that comedy is very different to satire. Take slapstick or puns—they’re rarely satirical. And some of the finest satire is cynically depressing.

I found The Sellout actually combines comedy and satire, and does it very well. The narrative returns semi-regularly to certain scenes: childhood experiments, daily farm life, or local black intellectual meetings. But large parts are just based on Beatty riffi ng off a pithy idea or throwaway remark—a whole fifty pages play around with the phrase “Too many Mexicans”. Occasionally, the humour touches slapstick. It uses lots of puns and altogether makes the book’s discernible action comically surreal. The quick movement of action is aided by very tight prose.

Altogether, it feels like this book would make a great stand-up routine—and that’s where it might let some readers down. Experiencing The Sellout in one sitting, like one experiences stand-up, would be more interesting than pick-up-put-down reading. Unfortunately, at just shy of 300 pages reading it all in one go would be tricky. Therefore, the complaint that each time you return to the book it feels like more-of-the-same is not without merit. People not only have different tastes in humour, but also different saturation levels—even for humour they enjoy.

This isn’t the same criticism as some others have felt. Amazonites complaining in their reviews that there are too many references to American pop-culture, African-American history and culture in general, have put down The Sellout outraged by the idea that a book might ask its reader to think, or to learn, something that they didn’t know. Admittedly, Beatty namechecks, titledrops, and codeswitches like he’s blended the contents of a liberal arts syllabus. But the result seems much more genuinely rich than strutting. And if you’re not reading to have something new revealed to you, then why are you reading?

The more sombre parts of The Sellout shouldn’t be glossed over. In places—after, for instance, two of the book’s most important shootings—a tone that doesn’t even attempt to be funny, but takes on a searing anger at racial injustice, is switched on. And the uncomical satirical moments are laudably unsettling. Beatty is a talented writer in many ways, and his ability to make both the comic and tragic uncomfortable, just clauses apart, makes this book feel unique. It’s not flawless, but you can tell why the Man Booker judges went for this one: there’s something quite special about 300 pages of witty and compelling plotlessness.

How to beat Fifth Week blues

Richard Birch and Cat Bean
-
0
How to beat Fifth Week blues

1. Firstly, and perhaps most obviously, one must never forget the various welfare-related events that take place throughout the university. Law Society’s greatly anticipated puppy party is a sure-fire way of soothing term-time neurosis, and numerous yoga, mindfulness and welfare sessions will be taking place within colleges. Attend your college’s welfare tea, talk to a Peer Supporter if needed, and put your mental health first and foremost.

2. Classical music is highly regarded as a relaxation tool. For years, academics have cited the usefulness of Mozart during work. This principle holds true for beating the 5th week blues, as nothing can be more relaxing than switching off for an hour or so, and simply letting the music wash over you. Classical musical opportunities aren’t rare in Oxford—this Saturday, one can enjoy Mozart’s Requiem in D minor at Exeter College. Oxford is always alive with classical music and this performance will be any Mozart fan’s dream.

3. In a similar line to this, it is important to remember that Oxford is full of ‘miscellaneous’ cultural activities to get involved in or attend. Oxford Whiskey Society is offering a slightly unusual variation on this theme on Thursday—a scotch tasting. A fun exercise and a slightly more sophisticated way of getting lightly tipsy in a warm, relaxing environment.

4. Touring the colleges can also be a fun way of exploring hitherto unseen parts of the city. Be it through formal-swapping, or merely just exploring the gardens. Oxford colleges are without doubt some of the most beautiful places on Earth. Places to start might include Worcester’s gardens, Keble’s chapel, or Christ Church’s picture gallery.

5. As another cultural event, what better way to spend an evening than attending a poetry reading by some of our peers? This Wednesday we saw some of Oxford’s very own poets-in-residence perform, with others, readings of their works published by Indigo Dreams Inc. Keep your eyes peeled for future such events! Blackwell’s and Waterstones frequently host these kind of poetry events.

6. Sometimes, you’ve just got to ignore the growing hole in your wallet and bite the bullet—treat yourself to that fancy meal you’ve always wanted. Oxford is a fantastic place to explore for any foodie (the Randolph excluded, apparently). Our recommendations include Zheng (located in Jericho), which is “possibly the best authentic Chinese-Malaysian in the country” as Giles Coren wrote, Pierre Vittoire (a very enjoyable French restaurant, also in Jericho) or Kazbar (a hip tapas establishment in Cowley).

7. Touring colleges is one thing, but touring Oxford’s pubs is another thing entirely. Similarly enjoyable (but for slightly different reasons) doing an Oxford pub tour is a must. Featuring some of the best drinking houses of the country, some highlights include The Turf Tavern (where Bill Clinton famously ‘did not inhale’), The Half Moon (with the added benefit of staying open until 2am) and The Rose and Crown (located towards Lady Margaret Hall). Though perhaps not best viewed as a regular way to relax, as a one-off event, pub crawls are great fun.

8. Another option is the wonderfully familiar coffeehouse—a suitable place for a first relaxed date, an essay crisis, or just a place to take an hour or so out of the day to relax in the warmth and the hubbub of the cafe. For those not already familiar with the best coffee that Oxford has to offer, try The Natural Bread Company (which does a fantastic manual brew), Rick’s (a popular favourite in Cowley) and The Vaults (conveniently located next to the Rad Cam-a perfect work rest break).

9. If the Oxford bubble becomes too all-encompassing, dropping everything for an afternoon, catching a train to Didcot, or even just walking through South Park can create a physical distance from the stresses of the town. Adjacent to the south entrance to University Parks is a footpath into Marsden, taking you past streams, fields, and the occasional horse. At the other end of town, Port Meadow can take you away from the hustle and bustle of city life, while still being in walking distance from college.

Ultimately, the key point is to balance one’s life in a manner unique to each person—everyone may respond differently to each option laid out here. But hopefully, however, everyone will garner some benefit from at least one of these possibilities.

Not Wong: Lewandowski at the Union

Brian Wong
-
1
Not Wong: Lewandowski at the Union

Context: Corey Lewandowski—Trump’s former campaign manager—is due to give a talk at the Oxford Union this Wednesday. Certain online reactions have pointed out his fascist beliefs, as well as suggesting that his visit to the Union is morally condemnable. Contrary claims have attacked these reactions on the basis that they repress free speech and reinforce Oxford’s liberal echo chamber. Whilst I am more emotively aligned with the no-platformers, I hold that Lewandowski’s visit is justified by the unique right of the Union’s members to access the ability to interrogate and question the man himself. Lewandowski does not deserve to be heard; Union members, however, deserve to hear him.

Clarification: I find Lewandowski’s opportunism and work with Trump despicable. Trump himself is a man who sprouts xenophobic, race-baiting, half-baked post-truths; he espouses views that have encouraged misogynistic and racist persecution of minorities; his “victory” has galvanised his previously dormant supporters, and has dragged America into trenches of uncertainty. The important thing to recognise, however, is that Trump and his cronies have already “legitimised” themselves as “democratic representatives” of the USA. To that effect, it is unclear how the Union’s inviting him over would be significant in further normalising Donald Trump.

One of the most popular arguments for the talk is the “trending” post-election claim that liberals ought to engage with those they disagree with, in order to convince them. The first response to this is to note that it is perfectly consistent to approve of engagement with non-liberals in every other context whilst rejecting the hosting of Lewandowski at the Union—it is possible to posit that the unique renown of the Union renders the context-specific reason of not letting a populist campaign manager spout their views more dominant than the context-neutral reason of general engagement.
The second response is that it is genuinely unlikely that:

  1. Lewandowski would suddenly have a change in heart after being questioned, OR
  2. Union members would suddenly find an hour of interactive but non-in-depth discussion a life-changing experience that would sway them from being anti-liberal to liberal.

The third response points to everyone’s favourite Millean argument—the “in-betweeners”: it is equally unlikely that the undecided middle (if there even is one, after the hugely divisive US election) would find 1 hour of theatrical PR from Trump’s campaign manager and Union members asking questions evidentially sufficient to swing them.
Finally it is unclear why people cannot be persuaded or converted via watching other debates or reading articles, so the impacts are at best non-exclusive. This argument therefore clearly falls.

Another argument in favour of having Lewandowski is the classic view that he has the freedom of speech to deliver and say whatever he wishes to say, within certain boundaries (that are apparently not crossed by Lewandowski). Several points render this argument a horrendously bad one. Firstly, there’s a distinction between banning Lewandowski from speaking:

  1. At all
  2. In public spaces
  3. In a specific, private space.

It is trivially a denial of an KKK mob’s freedom of speech to deny them the right to shout profanity at a Black person’s funeral—this does not imply that it is illegitimate. Similarly, given that the Union is a private space co-owned by its members, it is not true that not granting Lewandowski the right to speak at the Union is equivalent to dismissing (illegitimately) his freedom of speech. Recognise that he is perfectly capable of expressing his views and beliefs through multiple other channels.
Secondly, even if the argument is that no-platforming him encourages a dangerous precedent (this slippery slope certainly does not seem to be threatening us at the moment, Trump is now broadcasting his lies from the greatest bully pulpit on Earth), it is unclear why this slippery slope extends so far as to create the Orwellian reality of alt-right fantasy.
Third, given that the norms, codes, and expectations within private spaces are co-authored by their own members, there exists no prima facie reason why the standards of permissible speech within private spaces ought to match those of public spaces. For one, it would not be unjustifiable for a Muslim to deny a man’s right to scream Islamophobic slurs outside their house’s windows, given that the man’s speech enters his house—which is owned by the offended individual. This is perfectly compatible with the classical liberal view that people may have the right to produce Islamophobic speech in public spaces.

I do posit, however, that the Lewandowski talk should still go ahead (and the scheduled protests, too, provided that they are peaceful and non-disruptive—which would be the only hypothetical reasons that disqualify them from being legitimate speech-acts in a liberal society), for a simple reason. It is not that such a despicable man deserves to be heard, but that the Union members who choose to attend should have the right to confront his arguments in person. The Union has hosted le Pen, Farage, and their likes before—it is worth noting that:

  1. Not only did psychological legitimisation not really manifest in reality (because the dominant student media have always framed the Union’s decisions as grounded upon principle of first-order neutrality and free speech, as opposed to the view that its actions carried active endorsement weight), but also:
  2. The Union’s members gained an exclusive opportunity to challenge (face-to-face) figures that would otherwise be difficult to access.

To the extent that there are members who find this experience valuable (via gaining potentially exclusive information about Lewandowski, for instance, or the ability to directly confront and refute his views), there exists an obligation on behalf of the Union to serve its paid members.

In conclusion, Lewandowski is a horrible human being, and the classic pro-talk arguments do not effectively defend his presence. However, I do believe the talk should go on as scheduled. For a pluralist society is one where mutually incompatible views are expressed, and where debates happen not only on a surface level—but also manifest in deeper, internal reflections.

Oxford’s Chancellor says “Trump poses an existential threat”

Marianna Spring
-
0
Oxford’s Chancellor says “Trump poses an existential threat”

Lord Christopher Patten, the Chancellor of Oxford University, has branded Donald Trump’s election as President “an existential threat” in an article published on Project Syndicate.

In the article, titled “Will Trump Bring Down the West?”, the former EU commissioner claims that Trump’s Presidency threatens the “entire system” of global order, which has been built in the West.

He states, “If Trump does in office what he promised to do during his crude and mendacious campaign, he could wreck a highly sophisticated creation, one that took several decades to develop and has benefited billions of people. Those of us who, like Americans, have gained from it must fight for it while it still breathes.”

“A Trump presidency also poses something of an existential threat. His derogatory comments about marginalized groups – including Muslims, Mexicans, women, and people with disabilities – imperil the values that are fundamental to America’s identity and place in the world, and that bind the countries of the West together.”

Patten praises Merkel’s response to Trump’s election and her recognition of “how quickly the collapse of US leadership could bring about the end of the post-1945 global order”.

He continues, “Like Merkel, we should all speak up for all that the West has stood for, and all that it has achieved. We must condemn any move by Trump to shirk the rule of law and the norms of a free society. We must argue the case for free trade, which has brought far-reaching benefits to humanity. And we must fight to uphold the nuclear deal with Iran and nuclear non-proliferation around the world.”

“The idea of “the West” is one of America’s finest achievements (though many other countries have also contributed). It would be a true disaster for the world if America, in an act of self-destructive decadence, tossed this noble, practical, and inspiring creation into the dustbin of history.”

Patten condemns the “dangerous policy” and “highly destabilizing” stance that Trump could pursue in backing away from America’s security arrangements with countries like Japan and South Korea, as well as with NATO.

He describes Trump’s stated approach to climate change as “problematic” and stresses the need “to reiterate our commitment to stand firm against Russian adventurism in Eastern and Central Europe”.

In addition, he discusses Trump’s economic policy, taking issue with his promise to “advance trade protectionism” which he argues is not the solution to the rising income equality which has “economically marooned” the American working class.

The office for the Vice Chancellor Louise Richardson has told Cherwell that she will not be issuing a formal statement about Trump’s election as President.

Oxford University has been contacted for comment.

Review: Queer Cabaret

Nina Crisp
-
0
Review: Queer Cabaret

Queer people are known for being a major part of the performing world, but it’s rare for there to be a show dedicated to showcasing queer talent. Luckily, the OUSU LGBTQ Campaign organised the Queer Charity Cabaret, featuring a variety of performances from Oxford students in support of The Terrence Higgins Trust and the Lesbian and Gay Immigration Group.

The night starts off well, with our host Katt Walton singing a rendition of ‘Wilkommen’ from Cabaret. Dressed in a corset, a black shiny shirt and nipple tape Walton’s performance sets the tone for a night where boundaries are not only crossed but torn down. The first act are The Oxford Commas acapella group. Maintaining the high standard set by Walton, their harmonies and arrangements are enjoyable, especially in their rendition of ‘We Found Love’. Their performance is upbeat although the solos could have been more audible—at times they are almost drowned out by the enthusiastic backing singers. Special mention goes to Ben Christopher, who did arrangements and whose top note is especially high and to Jake Topping, whose beat-boxing is impressive to say the least. The other musical act of the night is sweet-voiced soprano Cassie White, who gives us a tender cover of ‘I Push up My Glasses’. The emotion in her voice conveys the feeling of loving someone from afar.

Vivian Holmes’ performance—a monologue about self-awareness and performance art—falls somewhere between genres. There are occasional moments of comedy, and she is self-accompanied by a looped guitar. It is a mashup of genres and while I get that the point of the piece is to question art I think that at times there is too much going on. The mashup becomes a bit overwhelming and at some points the audience can’t hear Vivian.

The night contains a lot of poetry. Juliana Lewis is the first poet to perform—her poetry is rich in imagery and politics, and ranges from emotive to calmly beautiful. The next poet, Zubair Dhalla, performs a piece about clichés and unrequited love for a boy at school. Focussing more on rhythm and rhyme, this piece has a faster pace than Lewis’ work and is definitely a poem written to be heard, and which, added to the combination of humour and romance and self-awareness of being a poet at a cabaret night, made this my favourite act of the night. Elizabeth Yule performs a beautiful poem called ‘Lessons I Learned in the In Between’ about the process of understanding yourself, pride, and love. The final poetry act are Patrick and Archie, who perform a hard hitting poem about the discrimination that queer people can face from their families and from society. Although harder hitting than the rest of the acts it is perhaps the most important of the night.

There is some good sketch comedy over the course of the night. The duo Not Your Nice Girl, backed up by Pissy Feet, perform some sketches on the way women are told to act to appear sexual, a song about the humour in lad culture, like speaking down to or over women, and a monologue performed by a cat about the way humans frustratingly assign their views of gender and sexuality on animals. We get more physical comedy and sketches from Pissy Feet later in the show. I especially enjoy the sketch about a PTA meeting concerning the outbreak of lesbianism, which played off stereotypes and overreactions. Another particularly funny sketch is about assigning human attitudes to sex and gender to animals, this time via a nature documentary where the goldfish question the narration (and then forget). All five members embody and switch characters easily, and it is a fun section

The audience are invited to participate over the interval by drawing naked model LG. A tiara is awarded to the best drawing, all contributions are collected (I think to be taken home by LG), and a special mention goes to a paper sculpture of Laura straddling the chair.

The night wraps up with a performance by drag queen Dinah Lux performing a lip-sync and striptease. Lux maintains a sassy attitude throughout the dance which gives the performance real character and the splits performed at the end are impressive—doubly so because of the six inch heels she is wearing!

The night is full of talent in a variety of performance-art branches. The organisers have managed to find acts from Oxford students both past and present, and put them together to form a show that makes you laugh, cry, and gives you a great night, all for a good cause.

Magdalen Tower lit blue for World Diabetes Day

Daniel Sutton
-
0
Magdalen Tower lit blue for World Diabetes Day

Magdalen College Tower in High Street joined landmarks such as Big Ben and the Sydney Opera House by turning blue at 4.30pm yesterday in honour of World Diabetes Day. It is the first time an Oxford building has been lit to mark this occasion, an official United Nations Day led by the International Diabetes Federation.

The move follows a collaboration between Magdalen College and researchers at The Oxford Centre for Diabetes, Endocrinology and Metabolism (OCDEM) at the Churchill Hospital. On Friday, between 2pm and 6pm, the OCDEM will also be holding an open day, “Eyes on Diabetes: Research and Innovation”, to showcase the centre’s most recent work.

This year’s World Diabetes Day focused on highlighting the importance of screening to ensure early diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes, and swift treatment to limit the risk of severe complications.

Magdalen College Home Bursar Mark Blandford-Baker commented, “Magdalen is delighted to be able to support this Awareness Campaign for World Diabetes Day and in doing so highlight the excellent research work going on in Oxford, including the work of an alumnus of the College, Dr Rustam Rea.”

Dr Garry Tan, consultant physician and clinical lead at OCDEM, added, “There is lots which can be done, from prevention of diabetes through to new medications for both type 1 and type 2 diabetes, all of which should be underpinned by education and support to enable people to live well with their diabetes.

“World Diabetes Day is a day when millions of people around the world come together to raise awareness of diabetes and what it’s really like to live with the condition.

“Oxford is one of the leading centres in the world for research into diabetes, and we will be opening our doors to people to come and find out what is happening about diabetes in Oxfordshire.”

Oxford to launch first Mooc

Cherwell News
-
0
Oxford to launch first Mooc

Oxford has announced today that it will run Massive open online courses (Moocs) for the first time, in connection with US platform edX. It will begin enrolling students for a course, beginning in February 2017, called “From Poverty to Prosperity: Understanding Economic Development”.

The course will look at the role governments play as a catalyst for economic development. It will be headed by Sir Paul Collier, professor of economics and public policy at the Blavatnik School of Government.

Moocs, free online courses typically based around lectures and readings, are an increasingly popular form of distance learning. They have seen exceptional growth in the USA in recent years, and have been praised for increasing access and affordability of higher education resources.

The edX platform, also used by Harvard, the Sorbonne and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has nine million registered students and hosts over 900 online courses.

Sarah Whatmore, pro vice-chancellor for education, said that the new project “will build capacity for the design and delivery of a range of other online education experiences.”

“Oxford already has a strong reputation for delivering open educational resources that are used by students, academics and the public worldwide,” she added.

Anant Agarwal, chief executive of edX and professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said the company was delighted that Oxford had joined the edX platform.

“Our collaboration begins with content from the Blavatnik School to provide our nine million learners with access to an innovative programme that offer insights from a range of academic disciplines and a strong global outlook,” he said.

“We are excited to partner with Oxford to further our shared mission to improve lives and increase access to high quality education for learners everywhere.”

 

Cyclist dies following attack on Oxford’s High Street

Marianna Spring
-
0
Cyclist dies following attack on Oxford’s High Street

A murder investigation has been launched following the death of a cyclist from injuries sustained during a violent attack in central Oxford.

Eamonn Anderson, 56, suffered head injuries when he was kicked off his bike by a group of six young men on the High Street late on Tuesday 25 October.

According to Thames Valley police, a passerby called for paramedics as the group of men fled the scene at around 11:30 PM.

Anderson was taken to hospital by ambulance, but died of his injuries at John Radcliffe Hospital on Friday evening two and half weeks after the original incident.

His family has been informed and a post-mortem is due to take place on Saturday.

DCI Mike Lynch, of Thames Valley police’s major crime unit, commented, “This was a violent attack which initially left the victim with serious head injuries, and has now tragically led to his death.”

“We believe this to have been an isolated incident, and since it occurred, we have been in the process of conducting a thorough investigation into it in order to establish the circumstances and also to arrest those responsible.”

Charlotte Lanning, a finalist at Pembroke, said, “This such terrible news and so sad for the man’s family. I cycle everywhere and fortunately I have never experienced or witnessed such an attack. I hope no Oxford student or indeed anyone ever will again.”

St Hilda’s JCR establishes Class Liberation Officer

Ellen Peirson-Hagger
-
0
St Hilda’s JCR establishes Class Liberation Officer

St Hilda’s JCR yesterday passed a motion to establish the position of Class Liberation Officer. Once appointed, the Officer will focus on equalising opportunity for those from working-class and socio-economically disadvantaged backgrounds.

The motion was proposed by Charles Ors and seconded by Nina Chatrath, both second-years, and passed overwhelmingly in the meeting on Sunday evening.

The motion notes “Students from socio/economically disadvantaged /‘working class’ backgrounds are underrepresented at the University of Oxford, and in the Higher Education system generally.” It also recognises that these students may suffer from “microaggressions” and “classism” during their time at university.

Speaking to Cherwell, Ors said, “At St Hilda’s we already have four liberation officers—LGBTQ+ Officer, People of Colour and Racial Equalities Officer, Disabilities Officer and Women’s Officer. Those from a socio/economically disadvantaged/working class background were a liberation group who were not represented by a specific liberation officer on the committee—we thought it was time to change that!

“The Access and Equal Opportunities Officer on the JCR Committee will continue to work with the college in terms of outreach—but we believe that once students from a socio/economically disadvantaged/working class background are here in Oxford there should be a JCR Committee officer to represent any specific liberation issues/provide welfare support.”

Chatrath said to Cherwell “The Access and Equal Opportunities Officer on the JCR Committee will continue to work with the college in terms of outreach but this post was not a representative role, making it even more important that St Hilda’s ensures that those from socio-economically disadvantaged/working class backgrounds are fairly represented.

“In a similar vein to the other liberation officers, the officer will run a compulsory workshop during Freshers’ Week informing all students of the issues that the students that they represent can face, and how they can be an ally etc. We will be organising our first ever elections for this position at the start of Hilary. This is a proud moment for St Hilda’s College.”

The decision follows institutions including the University of Manchester, SOAS (University of London) and King’s College London, who have a ‘Working Class Students’ Officer’ on their Student Union/JCR committees.

In September this year Cherwell reported that the University’s intake of freshers was to have the highest proportion of state school students for at least forty years. The University offered 59.2 per cent of its places to state-school students, while the Independent Schools Councils estimates that about 93 per cent of all UK pupils are educated in state schools.

The St Hilda’s JCR President declined to comment on this matter. The college has been contacted for comment.

Gym diary: start getting your fitness back on track (and maybe even keep it that way too)

Daniel Curtis
-
0
Gym diary: start getting your fitness back on track (and maybe even keep it that way too)

Today is the day. 20 years of questionable diet habits and lethargy have left you tubby. Three years of vegetarianism have left you puny—or at least that’s your excuse. You have decided that this Monday will be a Monday like no other; you get up early and cycle to the nearby leisure centre to join your local gym, despite your misgivings and snobbery about gym culture. You bound over to the desk with a puppy’s enthusiasm but are informed that there are no induction slots available until the following day and as much as you pretend you are dismayed and held back, you are relieved and you go back to bed and your sweet PlayStation.
Day one, mark two. Today is the day. Your induction is booked. You dress in some old football shorts and a small top. You look short and weedy. You are short and weedy. But not for long. Soon you’ll just be short. You cycle to the leisure centre, announce why you’re there, and fill in lots of paperwork. Your instructor is late and you begin to get nervous. You realise that coming was a terrible idea. Your instructor arrives and, inexplicably, he compliments your form on every machine you try. You wonder if he is internally laughing at you. You realise that he doesn’t care. He leaves you and you wander round the gym for a few minutes trying to look purposeful. You try a couple of machines and then cycle back home. You are still short and weedy.

The Olympics inspire you to work out harder. You know deep down that all these medallists started from nothing, so you can succeed too. Your friend is a “gym lad” and you are at the same gym so he shows you the ropes. He is much bigger than you but he tells you to leave your ego at the door. You like this advice. Over the coming days you begin to feel more and more comfortable and competent. With your gym buddy, it’s actually… fun. That is until you use the bar wrongly, put 20kg on the very top of your spine and find it difficult to walk for the next few days. After your recovery, you work hard at the gym, setting new small personal records and discovering new levels of pain. Everything feels horrifically futile and you wonder if you should just call everything off and go back to the days when the only weights you lifted were books.

As usual over the last few weeks, you come home to feast on scrambled eggs and baked beans. You sit down to eat lunch and put the TV on to watch the Olympics. You wonder why these athletes are so bloody perfect. You watch Team GB notch more golds and, deflated, you go back to bed. You work hard once again and notice that you’re less tired at the end of the session and you’re starting to look trimmer. Your arms have graduated from being twigs to being bona fide sticks, and your stamina is in a good place. You even notice your biceps trembling when you work them, however delicate and soft they are. You are surprised at the rate of change, but happily so, and you’re enthused and motivated. That is, until you watch the GB rowers obliterate the competition while you’re nursing your sore, thin arms. You begin to question the logic of joining the gym during the Olympics. You hate the Olympics.

You get to the stage where you’re one of the regulars in the gym and you have to fight very, very hard not to compare yourself with oth- ers. There’s the mother who takes her teenage daughter to the gym with her after school. The daughter is probably seven years younger than you, and yet she is stronger, faster and generally a more effective human than you. You want to curl up into a ball. Then there is the older guy with the mane of hair who wears the death metal t-shirts and has his music blaring from his tiny Apple earphones. You wonder if it’s the music or the egotism that’s makes him throws his heavy weights down after working out and trots away to leave others to pick up his mess. You vow never to be that guy.

And then, with lessons learned in your head and callouses formed on your hands, you return to the gym after a moderate lull. You notice that something is different after two months of gym- ming. You’re using noticeably higher weights. Your body shape is changing. You actually have chest muscles. You still loathe your body, and you still feel inadequate about all the other huge lads in the gym. You still feel like Mr. Krabs without his shell, but you’re making progress. It’s a start. As your friends constantly remind you, everyone starts somewhere. Where you end upisuptoyou.

1...1,0681,0691,070...2,613Page 1,069 of 2,613