Saturday 11th April 2026
Blog Page 1156

The endurance of the Queen of Crime

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The real mystery about Agatha Christie’s 66 novels, 14 short story collections, films, radio plays, and seemingly endless ITV adaptations is not who stabbed the rich businessman, clobbered the young school teacher or poisoned the blind pensioner but instead why her tales of cold-blooded and often gruesome or violent murder have achieved and maintained such incredible popularity. Where does this tremendous success – at times somewhat surprising given the criticism she’s come up against and the sometimes problematic nature of her writing – come from, and what does it say about us?

Anyone who, like me, has read more than their fair share of Christie classics, will be familiar with the modus operandi her detectives use when facing a mystery like this one. First they inspect the crime scene as a whole (it’s always neatly contained and readily surveyable,) then they gather and examine all the evidence before – after a period of intense uncertainty – revealing all in an overly dramatic finale.

And so, following her tried and tested structure, we need to look at the nature of Christie’s success before we can evaluate its causes. It’s difficult to be exact, of course, about sales, but most sources agree she has sold between two and four billion copies in over 100 languages – a staggering number, and one that, almost unbelievably in my view, makes her the joint best-selling author of all time (sharing the title with Shakespeare). And Then There Were None is one of only eight confirmed works of fiction which has sold over 100 million copies. Her most successful play, The Mousetrap, has been the world’s longest continuously running theatre piece for decades now and her works have inspired countless new detective writers and set industry standards.

But what is it about her stories that has caused people to buy them time and time again? My first sense is that she taps into some macabre fascination with death we hold as a society. Christie exploits the same instinct that causes motorway drivers to slow down to get a good look at the debris from a high-speed collision or tourists visiting Italy to seek out the petrol station in Milan where Mussolini’s corpse was hung. Her books are to civilised, modern society what public hangings were to medieval Britain or what gladiatorial fights were to the Romans. But even if this is true, it doesn’t completely explain her personal success. Christie didn’t invent the genre – The New Yorker credits Edgar Allen Poe with this – and given Arthur Conan Doyle’s success 30 years earlier it wasn’t the case that she had simply stumbled across fertile but previously unsown lands. When Christie started writing shortly after the First World War there was no shortage of detective fiction. Anyone and everybody seemed to be writing crime fiction; the genre was so popular that anyone who wrote stood a good chance of getting published. There needed to be something else to make her stand out.

Maybe, however, she offered a desensitised, cleaner and more tolerable approach to death. Her books are notable for their distinct lack of violence or gore. The majority of her victims are poisoned, and those deaths caused by being shot, stabbed or bashed on the head are disconcerting only in their clinical techniques. Christie found a way to successfully feed our primitive fascinations without any of the irritating moral thoughts civilised society requires of us. She made death easy to read.

The Queen of Crime also made the experience of a murder mystery as a whole less difficult for her readers. Her direct style of writing means reading her works is no chore. She gets criticised for creating one-dimensional characters, figures who lack a background or believability, but I think some of this can be put down to society’s tendency, especially in the world of literature, to view popular fiction as less worthy or as the product of an artist who sells out.

I subscribe to the Orwellian principle that simple writing makes good writing and I find from personal experience that achieving this without sacrifice is often incredibly difficult. Accomplished, celebrated writers also seem to share some respect for her stories. T.S. Eliot’s The Family Reunion, for example, contains a mystery solved by a character named Agatha, who is likely to be in tribute to Christie.

Often another source of criticism, the formulaic approach Christie takes in nearly every work may in fact be a significant strength. She overloads us with so much information – often seemingly contradictory in nature – and with such pace that confusion and chaos dominate much of the plot. Despite this, the detective seems to know better than both the other characters and the reader. This sense of someone being in control is reassuring (and I would speculate this is the same phenomenon that leads us to sometimes see our presidents, doctors, and others as superior). But it is the promise of an elegant, simple solution at the end regardless of how unlikely it may look that is Christie’s most powerful tool. W.H. Auden once explained that, once he had picked it up, he couldn’t put down a detective novel until he had finished it. In reality, solutions – whether in murder cases or anything else – are rarely so beyond doubt. Like so many other successful writers, Christie crafts a tremendously exciting and satisfying world that could never exist outside the novel.

Sadly, the causes of Christie’s success as a writer are not as clearly identifiable. But, in a distinct parallel to one of her most famous stories, I think it is legitimate to attribute all of the suspects with some responsibility. She wrote in a genre that lent itself to commercial success and popularity, but it took the creation of a certain type of desensitised crime, the development of a very readable style, and knowledge (whether conscious or not) of inherent human nature and our difficult relationship with death to set her apart. I feel Agatha Christie’s contribution to literature is often played down. I am no Christie; I cannot solve the mystery of her success in a neatly-tied bow. But I hope I have at least made the case for more considered thought about our relationship with her.

Chez Chaz: no seafood paella

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Paella à la Bishop

This recipe was the last one I cooked for my friends at Chez Chaz in Paris and remains the favourite of many of the people I cooked for. It is actually based on my father’s recipe, from whom a lot of my food obsession originates. I by no means claim it is an authentic version, but what makes it different is that the chicken is roasted and the juices used to add a gelatinous meat flavour to the rice. 

Ingredients (serves 4)

  • 8-10 chicken thighs and drumsticks, skin on and bone in
  • Pimentón (smoked paprika)
  • 1 large onion, finely chopped
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 1  chorizo sausage, chopped into pieces
  • 1 tbsp tomato purée
  • 500g paella rice (arborio or carnaroli will do as well)
  • 1 can of beer or cider
  • 750ml (approx.) chicken stock
  • 2 red peppers, diced
  • Handful green beans, halved
  • ½-1tsp chili powder
  • 1 cup frozen peas
  • To garnish: lemon wedges and parsley

Method

Turn the oven to 200c. Coat the chicken in a thin layer of olive oil, and season with salt, pepper and the smoked paprika. Spread on a roasting tray and leave to roast in the oven for about 30 minutes. 

While the chicken is cooking, on a medium heat in a wide pan sweat the onions until softened. Add the garlic and then the chopped chorizo and stir to allow its oils to be released before adding the tomato purée. Add the rice and mix well with the oils for 1-2 minutes before pouring in some of the beer or cider (beer gives a spicier flavour whereas cider is sweeter).You must continue to stir the paella, and as the liquid is absorbed by the rice gradually add more to it. Make sure not to turn the heat too high as this means the liquid just evaporates before it can be absorbed by the rice. Add the chopped beans and peppers and mix into the rice, followed by 2tsp smoked paprika and as much chilli powder as suits your spice tastes. Once the cider has run out, use the chicken stock as your liquid. The rice is cooked once it retains a little bite but is not too hard, and if poured onto a plate it slowly relaxes outwards. Just before the rice is finished, add some frozen peas and stir through.

Once the chicken has cooked through, take it out the oven and pour the cooking juices from the pan into the paella. Add the chicken pieces and garnish with parsley, and serve with lemon wedges on the side.

Rewind: Peter Blake & Under Milk Wood

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In 1954 everyone’s favourite, loveable, Welsh drunkard, Dylan Thomas, penned Under Milk Wood, a ‘play for voices’ that quickly became one of the best-loved pieces of British literature. Set in the course of a single night and day, his sleepy Welsh town of Llareggub gives us a window into the everyday lives of ordinary Welsh villagers. But, for me, it is the beautiful, pervading sense of darkness in the book’s description of night that is captivating – I can vividly remember being transfixed by the first few lines. “Down to the sloeblack, slow, black, crowblack, fishboat – bobbing sea.” How could anybody not fall in love with this music?

It is this sense of cosy, coastal darkness that the artist Peter Blake captures and contorts wildly in his set of collages to accompany the work. Famous for his mad, eclectic album cover of The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, here Blake injects a wonderfully psychedelic, disturbing element into Thomas’ writing. His collages are full of twisted dream sequences, of colourful figures vying for space against lurid backgrounds filled with random flying objects. Looking at them, I feel sucked into Blake’s mismatched world where nothing is ever as it seems – even the “starless and bible-black” darkness of a small Welsh village. Whilst Dylan Thomas lyricises beautifully about the night (“the houses are blind as moles,”) Blake picks this world up and shakes it, rolling it over to reveal the crazed underside of our regular lives.

Blake works with hundreds of scrapbooks, cutting out shapes that fascinate him – a gramophone, a tap dancing fox or a dining table. It perfectly captures Thomas’ writing, particularly the dark undercurrent. It should come as no surprise, after all, that Llareggub is ‘bugger all’ backwards.

Clunch Review: Somerville

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Cherwell ha(ye)s received news of distress at our nabbing of the word ‘clunch’ for our column. We formally apologise for stealing the word so pierreniciously, and hope not to offend the original creators of a really Joe-vial word.

To Somerville. The corner of a musky-smelling reading room is never a good place to have lunch. I’m told by my friend it’s been frequented by many a debauched Somervillean in the past. I take a moment to evaluate and begin to think the musky smell is something more than well-known Oxford ‘old building and panels’. But I remain optimistic. I’ve been to Somerville clunch on many occasions in its prettier main hall and, after tripping gracefully and throwing pints of Diet Coke across the oaken floors, thoroughly enjoyed tucking into my stodge and grease.

But my hopes of leaving satiated are soon quashed. Although the beef and Guinness pie looks satisfactory (C+,) and the salad bar is impressively stocked (A-), the veggie option, Quorn meatballs and spaghetti, is uninspired (E). This was saddening given the Somerville chef’s reputation for making dishes sound like hip hop collaborations (‘Greek pie ft. feet’, anyone? Why not feta?)

The spaghetti having been left to sit in the heat for just a moment too long is limper than a boy after too many beers. Even the mash is poor (F). Turning over lump after lump, I felt like I was in a nuclear bunker eating Smash for sustenance. Alas, no. The greens are soggy (B). I’d make a witty pun about them, but by this point in the review, I think we both know that it’ll just being another euphemism for ‘they’re pretty shit’.

Their serving staff alone, however, make Somerville clunch worth visiting. I’ve not been serv[ic]ed by more attractive men than when I last scrolled through Grindr. I have no idea who is head of recruiting Somerville’s hall staff, but they should definitely be promoted to head of catering for their ability to choose the best (eye) candy this side of the Oxford Fashion show. Their culinary tastes certainly can’t be any worse than whoever thought up those dry Quorn balls and plonked them on a plate.

Restaurant Review: Banana Tree

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A new trend in chain restaurants has come most welcome to my tastebuds. Focus on regional cuisine has crept into the Asian dining market, expanding the horizons of the menu beyond kung po prawns and chicken satay. Pho and Thaikhun have brought us access to Vietnamese and Thai food respectively, but Banana Tree prides itself on a range of IndoChinese specialties.

On arrival, the atmosphere was chilled but it is tightly packed-in, so it’s not ideal for the diner who craves personal space. But if you enjoy a bustling experience then this should suit you. There are also funky low tables so you can sit cross-legged on the floor as you eat.

My companion and I were in the mood to celebrate and so splurged on a starter. Unlike many eateries, where starters are hardly adequate for one person, Banana Tree served us a plate of Sticky Thai Wings which we could happily share between us. The one problem with the menu’s broad reach is that it is a little difficult to navigate. There are “combos” of dishes, offering salads, rice, and crackers along with your main. Of course, because of this you can easily end up spending more than you budgeted for. If you’re trying to dine cheaply, head for the noodles section.

Slightly overwhelmed by the array of options, I gravitated towards a signature dish and ordered the Banana Tree spiced noodles. It was a sizeable portion which didn’t skimp on the chicken or prawns. It didn’t strike me as particularly different to the kind of thing I could get from Wagamama, but this might have been due to my neglect of the Nuoc Cham sauce. The sweetcorn cakes add a lovely additional flavour and texture. My companion found himself tempted by the Chargrilled Duck, despite the fact that the duck alone was around £15. The quality was good though, and you certainly get a lot of bird for your money. Both of us left quite certain that we would never eat again, completely full even though we had shared a single starter.

Interview: Jon Ronson

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When I was 15, I wrote something stupid on Facebook. Half an hour later, I remember the heavy feeling of dread as I scrolled through the comments that had been left in reply to the stupid thing. The first ones were quite mild: “this is a bit strong” and “I don’t agree with this.” Then, as the minutes progressed, the outrage spread like fire in a hot forest. By midnight, I’d received thousands of comments and messages. People I’d never met had trawled through my photos and deemed me “ugly” and “disgusting.” People I thought were my closest friends were writing, publicly, that they never wanted to hear from me again. A boy in the year above me wrote that he’d like to “gouge my eyes out with a fork”. I tried to respond, I tried to apologise, I tried to correct them, I tried to stop reading everything. My computer screen froze due to the number of notifications my account was receiving. I wrote an email to the Headmaster at 4am to tell him I was never coming back to school.

So reading Jon Ronson’s latest book, So You’ve Been Publicy Shamed, was something of a revelatory experience for me. It is a book about what happened to me. It is a book about people like me. In the first few chapters, Jon Ronson tells the story of a woman called Justine Sacco. Justine tweeted an “acerbic little joke” while waiting for her flight in Heathrow. She’d meant the joke to sound ironic and hadn’t intended it to be racially offensive. She turned her phone off and boarded her flight to South Africa. When the plane landed, Sacco turned on her phone and discovered the seething storm of hatred that had erupted in response to her joke. People tweeted that she was a “racist,” and that she was “offensive” and “disgusting.” She received rape threats and death threats and was fired immediately from her successful PR job. That evening, she was the worldwide top trend on Twitter.

“What’s happening at the moment,” Ronson tells me, “is that private individuals are constantly being asked to carry the weight of an ideology on their shoulders.” When someone makes a mistake online and falls victim to a public shaming, their identity becomes defined by their mistake.

“A huge narrative takes over your life. All the good things that you do stop mattering.” A public shaming, he says, “is about going for these private individuals who represent systemic failures”. The people involved in Sacco’s shaming appeared not to appreciate the ironic tone of her joke and interpreted it as a racist comment. There is a strong sense, in the midst of a shaming, that the cruelty meted out to the victim is a necessary form of social justice. In writing these vicious words about Justine Sacco, people seemed to feel that they were doing the right thing.

“What happened to Justine wasn’t social justice,” says Ronson. “It was a cathartic alternative to social justice.”

During a shaming like Justine Sacco’s, the comments about her initial mistake are strikingly one-sided. I ask Ronson whether he thinks that this is because so many people genuinely care about the outrageousness of the original comment, or whether it’s because most people are just trying to write the funniest insult. “It’s a broad mix,” he says. “I think some people really care. I think some people, and this is something a friend said to me, are doing a kind of performance piety where they’re showing how much they care but they don’t really. It’s easy, you know, it relieves a boring day.”

Two years have passed since Sacco’s public shaming. I ask Ronson how she is. He says she’s doing well, “but it took a long time. I like the fact that for all these people who shamed her, the fact that she got a new job after a year seemed to be no big deal. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she was in purgatory for over a year for poor phraseology. It’s a psychological trick people play on themselves to make themselves feel less bad.” I tell him that I struggled with my own experience of shaming for a long time. In the years after it happened, I thought about it every single day. Ronson agrees that online shaming is “deeply traumatising.” He says it’s “profoundly psychologically damaging and people have to realise that. You know, people love to think ‘oh, it’s no big deal’ but when you’re being shamed, if you say, ‘Listen, this is really really damaging me. I was up all night worrying about it, I feel depressed and anxious,’ people will say ‘stop whining’.”

I ask Ronson whether, since writing the book, he has altered his own behaviour on Twitter. He says that, when the book came out, “the response was ferocious.” In the end, he tells me, he “had to stop defending the victims because it was just too painful.” Some people on Twitter decided that he was a racist and a white supremacist. In the afterword to the book, he writes that this “mini-shaming” experience had him “up all night worrying in a hotel room in Minneapolis”. It’s a sad irony that this book, which examines the issue of public shaming so extensively and so brilliantly, provoked its own author’s public shaming. We seem to be in the adolescence of our life with social media. We are provocative, tempestuous, impulsive and generally bad-tempered. The stories in So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed should serve as our motivation to become kinder, more thoughtful, more responsible citizens of our virtual world.

The Cherwell Encyclical: HT 2nd Week

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The Czech president, Milos Zeman, recently remarked that the country’s prime minister could be removed by shooting him with a Kalashnikov. Although factually correct, which in politics is somewhat refreshing, for some reason the suggestion did not go down well with the PM himself. It is unlikely that Zeman was particularly serious, but the sorry tale of a political relationship that has turned sour over the EU is one that is only too relatable. Conservatives for Britain have yet to announce whether they will be taking up arms, but as news of Cameron closing in on an EU in-work benefits deal drags on, we would probably all have sympathy if they did.

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In other news, Google have given the tax office a token £130 million for tax dating back to 2005. And while Labour have pointed out that this amounts to a tax rate of roughly 3%, do not fret because the George Osborne has it sorted.

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I am sure speak for all of us when I say that multinational corporations don’t really bother me. What really gets on my nerves are those disabled people sitting smugly in their spare bedrooms. Surely it is only right that we cut their benefits by 14%, especially if it is being used by a carer. What’s wrong with sleeping on the floor?

The tax has recently been judged by the court of appeal to discriminate unlawfully against certain vulnerable individuals, but the government intends to take this ruling to the Supreme Court. Osborne is rumoured to have taken issue with the judgement, saying that that he also feels vulnerable sitting alone in large spare rooms. Just look at poor George, he looks positively petrified. Probably because all those blank sheets are his policy ideas.

Michael Gove may be the Justice Secretary, but he has not forgotten his roots in education. One of his first actions in the role was to reverse the ban on prisoners being sent books by their families, though presumably this does not apply to ‘Of Mice and Men’, which was too dangerous to be given to GCSE students. Mumbai’s police force have taken a different approach to fighting crime, instead using their new Twitter account @CPMumbaiPolice to put the pun in punishment.

This has made me almost as excited as news that ambulances in Copenhagen are going to play soothing music to patients. This does raise serious questions though, what songs would you pick?

And finally, Oxford takes it last bow in the spotlight of the media. I have recently heard a very good solution to the whole Rhodes debacle: we should just turn him around to face the wall. Forever to be known as the ‘colonialist in the naughty corner’; that is, if anyone ever looks up there apart from RMF. However, because the bank was beginning to ignore their calls, Oriel have had to announce that Rhodes will not fall. Now everyone can go back to not giving the slightest care to anything that happens at the University (apart from that there are too many posh people, of course). Farewell national press, we won’t miss you. 

I’m sitting on the fence and it’s sharp

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A naive, young, dare I say handsome fresher bumbled into matriculation one term ago, ignorant that this day would change his life forever. Matriculating was not as special as one may assume, like winning the lottery, getting into Oxford, or losing your virginity; it was an elitist orgy of self-indulgent pats on the back. Freshers roamed the town free from any consideration of the work about to be thrust upon them by tutors with no consideration for their social lives. Matriculation did not really thrust the freshers into a new world; it only felt like that to them.

Instead, it was a group of protestors outside who did the real thrusting, by persuading some among them to wear a small red ribbon to support Rhodes Must Fall during the ceremony. I’m quite fed up of typing in the third person so yes – it was me. Firstly, I hate to bring up RMF again. It seems in the last month or so the only qualification needed to write on the matter is a keyboard and the ability to thrash about manically on said keyboard and accepting whatever auto-correct throws back out at you. I’m not going to offer any change to that.

The case for RMF was very convincing – decolonise Oxford, stop glorifying the detestable acts of Cecil Rhodes and try to make Oxford a more welcoming place for BME students (I over-simplify). The protestors were obviously academically and intellectually superior to me. Needless to say, I was convinced. I wore my ribbon with pride and became RMF’s biggest fan. A certain amount of time later I was sitting in a pub, as seems to be the case quite frequently lately, talking amongst friends. One of them started talking about how RMF was actually really quite detrimental to efforts to make Oxford a place of equality. It denied, she said, the controversial history of the University and, should we remove it, would allow us to believe that no more change is necessary: that we now live in a colour blind society in which racial discrimination no longer remains an issue. To destroy the statue would be comparable to iconoclasm and an attempt to whitewash history. Shit. She is again cleverer than me, but she disagrees with the other group of intellectual elites I’ve already spoken to. What the hell do I do now?

At this moment I realised I was checkmated. No matter which side I stuck to I was woefully unable to defend my opinion against the opposition. I am topsy-turvy. I like to think life is a lot like Monopoly – I’m the guy who spends 15 minutes deciding whether he should buy a hotel and gets too excited about the chance cards. With my infinite supply of luck, I meander along, missing most of the land-mines of life and find myself lost and roaming in between them. When I decided that maybe, just maybe, I was on to a winner in siding with those that want the contextualisation of the statue, with a plaque. How wrong I was: apparently, being distinctly moderate is a way to piss off everyone who isn’t. Being moderate is just like standing in noman’s land with two opposing trenches flinging shit not quite hard enough to hit each other – and I didn’t even bring an umbrella.

Being moderate, highlights you as convincible to both parties but not quite convinced. Suddenly, all my friends from both sides of the debate come to me, more persistent than the Jehova’s Witnesses that wake me every weekend at home, because they know that I will at least hear their side of the debate. People are trying to pull me from both sides of the fence and I think my arms might get pulled off.

Instead, I then decided that I should just be passively uninvolved in all of it. Let the clever people talk it over and work out what is right. Once they have done that they can tell me what I am meant to believe. That’s basically what I’ve done all my life. Although I’m here to benefit from one of the best educations that the world can provide, I’m woefully intent on ignoring the facts. I’m one of the mindless characters in Monty Python’s The Life of Brian declaring “We’re all individuals!” when someone tells me to.

A problem still remains. Being uninvolved, if anything, offends people even more. Oxford is obviously very concerned with this debate and therefore you should be too. I don’t really have an answer to that. I would say that I have better things to do, but I spent the majority of yesterday watching Pingu and trying to work out what colour the Rad Cam would be most comical painted. To be honest, the underlying theme of the debate – how can we make Oxford a safer space for BME students – is incredibly important. Thus we return to the very problem we began with. I’m already worried that a lot of people, a lot cleverer than me, will tell me how this article is wrong in every single manner, and I already know that they are right. The only thing that I can say is that I have no strong feelings either way. My feeling of having no strong feelings is similar. However, not feeling strongly about not feeling strongly.

Working out without working out

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When it comes to not really working out, I’m an expert: I haven’t been for a run for months and the last time I went to a gym, N-Dubz were still relevant. Yet at the same time, I’ve maintained a level of fitness such that I haven’t died (yet – I reckon I have, at worst, five months left.) So what’s my secret? Well, it’s about the little things, it’s all about doing the occasional thing to work out, without really trying.

One of my best tips is being late for things. If you have a lecture at 10am at Exam Schools and it takes ten minutes to walk there, you head off at 9:50, right? That’s just basic maths. NO. That’s wrong. What you do is you leave at five to, because then you’re late and you have to move quickly, be it a fast walk or a slow jog. And when you’re running late, you don’t care what other people think. You don’t care if people judge you or think you’re a bit of a weirdo for running past the Rad Cam in jeans and a t-shirt. What’s more, this lateness principle can be applied to all areas of your life: if you have a tutorial at another college, leave a little bit late. You have queue jump for Wahoo until 10:45? Leave a little bit late. So that’s my first tip: be late, because then you absolutely have to run, whether you want to or not.

So you’re sitting in your lecture, having arrived on time having exercised a little bit on the way there. “No way to work out now”, you say, “I’ve got to sit here and concentrate”. Well, firstly, you shouldn’t be talking during lectures, that’s just bad form; you know better than that. Secondly, why not fidget? You can work out valuable muscles if you just continuously wiggle your foot or tap your hands. Studies have actually shown that fidgeting while sitting still burns roughly 300 calories a day! The people sitting next to you might get a little bit annoyed, but really, they’re just idiots for not realizing the fitness benefits that come from fidgeting during lectures. Frankly, if they’re not wiggling their feet with you then they deserve to be getting annoyed. So fidget away my friend, fidget for the whole hour, work off calories, work your legs – go crazy!

Now, you’re back from lectures. As a reward, you decide to go shopping, to stock up on food and other various items and what nots. But here’s yet another tip: always squat down to have a look at the bottom shelves. Not only do you find the cheaper stuff this way, you’re also doing squats which works out leg muscles or thigh muscles or something. Granted, you may be squatting down so you can grab a ten-pack of chocolate brioche from the bottom shelf of Tesco, but that’s still working out. It still keeps you active, even if the calories and subsequent self-loathing from eating ten brioches in a row completely offsets any kind of benefit gained. You ran to lectures, fidgeted, then squatted to the bottom shelves at Tesco. But now you’re in the library. Surely, surely there is nothing more you can do to work out without really trying. Oh my friend, how little you know. When you turn the page of a book, think about how you do it. You probably just do small movements, you probably just try to get to the next page without any hassle. This is not the best way to do it though; what you should do is great sweeping movements, grab the corner of the page and turn the page with a dramatic flair. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend doing this in front of people as you’ll look less like an Oxford student and more like an orangutan who has just been presented with a book for the first time.

It’s now the evening. Maybe you’re heading out for the evening, maybe you’re just going to stay in and continue to watch Jessica Jones on Netflix (which is a cracking good show by the way). But either way, you want a late night snack, at least I normally do. So whether it’s half-price Itsu or Hassan’s or any other kind of delicacy, you can still keep working out with this one little tip: anything can be a dumbbell. Be it a box of sushi or your kebab, just do a couple of bicep curls with each arm and boom, you’re working out. Keep at it and who knows, maybe you’ll work off enough calories to actually be able to eat the kebab without feeling guilty the next morning. But now you’re in bed, and you are falling asleep. But you can sleep happy, you can sleep happy safe in the knowledge that you’ve worked out, that you ran to lectures, fidgeted away 300 calories, did squats, arm stretches and bicep curls. Who needs a gym when you’ve got these incredible tips.

I need to sort my shit out

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It’s Hilary Term week two; that time of year when you will no doubt be fearfully consulting collection results, multiple laundry piles and the seemingly autonomous size of your bottom. And yet, in spite of the ever-growing stack of dusty tomes and derriere, I cannot quite bring myself to declare the need to Sort My Shit Out.

Studying at Oxford invites, amongst other things, a crippling fear of wasting time. New content is generated faster than a Thursday night queue at Bridge and so, be it by virtue of a gathering flock of essays or the rapid addition by Netflix of new shows, the Oxford student must partake in the pursuit of the new and worthy; to conquer the inadequate boundaries previously set for work and exercise and requirement of sleep. “After all,” I hear a physicist murmur at four in the morning, “time is not linear.” “Does the present and our understanding of reality even exist at all then?” his philosophical companion accordingly muses. Any comprehending third party would surely conclude from this exchange that existing in a self-contained vacuum of eight week intensity (the experience of which is in itself definitive proof that time is not linear) should result in both charming academia-excused eccentricity, and most certainly the active de-prioritisation of shit sorting. For, the inherent despair of such a phrase and outlook in needing to ‘sort one’s shit out’, strikes me as not only unhelpful but positively destructive in an environment that fosters such exacting standards of personal and institutional achievement.

Take a certain college’s most recent BOP: ‘New Year, New Me’ was the snappy suggestion, and at Emporium amassed a plethora of ferociously Lycra-encased bodies, gym attire of every variety, clocks, suits, grad gowns, questionable cupper football shirts and a scattering of nuns who clearly had their own cock-cursing cross to bear. I suppose it is natural to embrace the comforting annual tradition of critically considered self-betterment, however the unquestioned acceptance of such a theme and easy endorsement by which people so revealingly identified themselves in terms of needing change and improvement and just generally more, was alarming.

In fact, the whole affair whispered of a broader pre-occupation implicit within our society today, of being, often on the most superficial level, really rather self-absorbed. It is the proud standard flourished by the Me-me-me generation; a revolutionary wave of acai berries and rye bread tirelessly promoted on Instagram; of being perhaps not medically, but at the very least soulfully, lactose, glucose, gluten, and apparently fun, intolerant. It is what drives the lovely missmirror101 to re-arrange her Fedora hat thirty times; the ceaseless bigboysRUs to snap their reflection’s flexing bicep. Of these curated, put-upon lifestyles it is easy to be scathing, and yet the truth is that many of us are neither far behind nor dissimilar; gleefully scrolling through each other’s profiles, unspiritually stretching in yoga cobra pose and contemplating if we too would be slimmer/happier/more favoured, living with all the disciplined restriction of an Anglo-Saxon monk.

It is this cultivation of public image, the dictation of how aspects of your life must surely reflect the essence of who you are, that leans self-consciously towards perfectionism and the guilty feeling of needing to sort your shit out. In an age of increasing scrutiny and social media, we’ve never had to look at ourselves (or one another) more. Instead of simply getting on, I’m frequently distracted by the desire to be my ‘best’ self, my level of competency relying upon how well I do; I must be successful at Oxford because to be otherwise would threaten my supposed cleverness. The entire unnecessary butt-cluster is made all the more vexing because we know it to be a waste of energy and anxiety.

But take heart, dear reader. I give you Beyoncé’s 2014 VMA performance in which, with a wildly sassy flick of her gloriously crafted mane, Beyoncé dismissively shrugged Perfection as being so ‘mm’. This, coming from one of the most uncompromising perfectionist’s of our time, whose appearance, vocals, choreography, even perspiration, were flawless throughout the fourteen songs she performed. Clearly a balance is to be struck or else we must all learn to be masters of manipulation; regardless, as long as Queen Bey continues to reign, we needn’t query it. Because isn’t that one of the prime delights of being a student – that your shit isn’t together?

The beautiful disaster that is Wahoo Friday followed by 5am rowing Saturday and an excess of McCoy chips Sunday? Time enjoyed is not time wasted. And the sooner we stop looking to self-criticize, indulge and obsess, the less shit we’ll have to sort.