Wednesday 15th October 2025
Blog Page 1182

How to…Escape Park End

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There are many things that one regrets in life. Not brushing your teeth after a night out. Forgetting to buy milk. Ignoring emails about overdue books. Touching your eyes after chopping onions. Not telling your cat you love them before your mum takes them to the vet to be put down because of their twisted gut. Sure, regret plagues the everyday schedule of an everyday human.

But regret is served up in different portion sizes. And Park End is an All-U-Can-Eat buffet. Despite this unquestionable and well-known fact, and due to the fact that humankind is programmed to hate itself, from the occasional Wednesday to every Wednesday, we find ourselves there.

“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. How the FUCK did this happen?” you roar. But the cry is lost. Lost in the air which is already brimming over with thousands of similar cries. The air in Park End sucks everything out of you, starting with your sobriety and ending with your soul. And that is why, for my final ‘How To’ of this term, I leave you with some crucial advice. Advice that you will need for the next however many years you have left in Oxford.

If someone invites you for a night out at ‘Lava & Ignite’, DO NOT GO. This is Park End’s alter-ego. It exists under two names so that it can morph into something different. When you decide you hate Park End, it morphs into Lava Ignite, and vice-versa; back and forth it flings its identity. The metronomic swing acts as hypnosis for your foolish mind. The first rule is to always say no to either. I don’t care if it actually sounds quite exciting, like a little volcano bubbling. Lava burns. Remember that. There is a reason that the anagram for Lava Ignite is ‘A Giant Evil’.

The nine circles of hell are compacted into the three floors of dance. Rules of three and all that. Bad music swiftly loses its genre, and so the three floors are unrecognisable from each other. But Gluttony, Wrath, Violence, Lust – you’ll catch ’em all. Like a dystopian Pokemon. Dante describes it best, “I saw multitudes / to every side of me; their howls were loud / while, wheeling weights, they used their chests to push. / They struck against each other.” The parallel is unquestionable, as you shimmy amongst infinite carnal malefactors.

Wait. Hang on. SEE! LOOK AT ME! I haven’t even begun to properly advise you yet. Park End can entrap you even beyond its perimeters. But that’s fine, because my advice is simple. As Taylor Swift flings herself, like a leech, onto your face and sucks, as ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ stings your leg like an unrelenting jellyfish, do not prod it with your finger, or get a friend to pee heroically on your leg. As ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ slices through your soul, RUN. Run as fast as you can. Don’t look back. Don’t stop as your friend shouts, “Wait, I love this song.” Sprint as fast as your stung legs can take you. And only when you have swallowed your last chicken nugget, brushed your teeth, and snuggled under your duvet, are you free.

Diary of a…Student Journalist

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I wake up at 4pm. My throat is burning, my head throbbing, my lips cracked. Around me are strewn my clothes from the night before; I stagger out of bed and squint in the late afternoon sun. No: this is no post-Bridge hangover.I haven’t been to Bridge all term. Nor is it essay crisis exhaustion. This, my friend, is the delightful morning of regret that comes after Cherwell print deadline, 3:30am every Thursday.

I make it back into the offices for 5pm., running to Tesco to grab cookies, crisps and other such cheap sugary snacks with which to ply our contributors at conference. Cherwell Conference is the weekly meeting where all the staff get together to review the week’s issue, which has (theoretically) been delivered to colleges, libraries and coffee shops around Oxford that morning. In order to motivate people to come, the other deputy editors and I (there are four of us) buy snacks, though attendance dwindles towards the end of term. We sit; we eat; the senior editorial team makes in-jokes; everyone else pities us and our train-wreck social lives.

The week after Conference is pretty simple. Much of the role of a dep is problem-solving, and answering the million shitty questions that no one will ever notice unless we get them wrong. Is it libellous to accuse someone of voting UKIP in the gossip column? Probably not, but it might be a bit mean. Is Sport allowed to make a joke about the Taliban in their coverage of an OUCC tour to Afghanistan? 100 per cent never, ever. Have we compromised Fashion’s creative vision by tweaking their photoshoot? Probably; oh well. Do we write ‘12-year-old’ or ‘12 year-old’? Literally no-one knows, nor cares. All of these are real things we’ve dealt with over the last eight weeks.

Every deputy editor has to come in for one day between Saturday and Wednesday and supervise certain sections of the paper laying-in (i.e. creating their pages on Adobe InDesign, ready for printing). This, in practice, involves arriving at the offices to find them empty, desperately firing off passive-aggressive Facebook messages asking when section editors plan to come in, and then sitting back with a Pret coff ee, a hangover and an essay to write, and waiting. Nonetheless, it’s a good way to meet people, and as long as they don’t make the mistake of calling you their ‘boss’ (again, something that has happened this term), you make friends quickly. The different sections surprise you, and undeniably have diff erent vibes depending on the people in each one. Some people arrive, put their articles in and leave within an hour or two. Other spend days creating the perfect spread, only for it to be torn apart at the whim of an editor. Everything is always in flux; not a single article will be printed exactly as it was originally written.

By Thursday, we have come full circle – midmorning, the editors, news editors and deputies begin to trickle in to complete the paper. Each of the 32 pages has to be proofread with a fine-tooth comb by at least four different people; every image checked for the right quality and every news article checked for defamation. Editorial decisions are discussed, and everyone’s opinion matters, but ultimately the editors have the final say. From lunchtime to the early evening, spirits are high. Then we take a break and eat together in town. The paper’s probably halfway done by midnight. From 11pm. to 3am., we feel like death. After we send the paper off to be printed, I cycle home past people coming back from nights out, and slump into bed. On to the next issue

In Defence of: Celebrity

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Kenneth Branagh dons his best fast-talking, over-gesticulated, hopelessly neurotic Woody Allen impersonation in Allen’s dissection and satire of modern celebrity culture. In fact, Branagh’s impression is so uncanny it’s a wonder Allen didn’t simply cast himself as the lead, as was custom in his earlier films. It’s often bracketed along with Allen’s “unsuccessful” forays into light comedy, but Celebrity is a biting and brutal observation of the lengths some people will go to in order to secure fame and fortune.

It’s as star-studded as the world it depicts, packed with red hot cameos from the likes of Leonardo Di Caprio, Charlize Theron, and Melanie Griffith, all appearing in hilarious sketch-like segments as ridiculous carica- tures of materialistic and vacuous superstars. Branagh is entertainingly annoying as Lee Simon, a celebrity journalist fighting his way to the top, and Judy Davis is on fine form too as his unraveling ex-wife, Robin (who strangely also seems to be playing Allen, albeit a female version). Robin’s journey is the precise opposite of Lee, who squanders any fruitful opportunities for fleeting sex as well as his constant quest for his own 15 minutes of fame. Robin, on the other hand, swaps her neuroses and insecurities for a complete makeover transformation and romance with TV producer Joe Mantegna, leading to her own successful talk show. She puts her own happiness first, rather than trying to please everybody like her ex-husband.

It’s more than just an exploration of celebrity; it’s about the different paths we choose to take in order to achieve our goals. It’s about integrity, morality, and veracity. It’s about being true to one’s self and not being afraid to say “no” sometimes. In spite of its glossy façade, Celebrity is, perhaps surprisingly, actually one of Allen’s most poignant philosophies. 

Creaming Spires TT15 Week 7

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Those reading this column regularly will notice the pattern. Member of the LGBTQ community gets Grindr, has either shit or great sex, then leaves. Of course there’s no problem with that. I’ve had a lot of great (note not shit, as I carefully vet my recruits) sex that way. But, dear readers, there is also the good old fashioned club hookup. Cast your eyes back prior to Android phones. In the misty shades of the past there lies an age where dick pics could only be sent through an expensive SMS or through the post. I’m talking about the club hookup, which is still alive and well in Oxford.

Forget Bridge, Parkend and Wahoo. If you want sex (and can’t wait until Plush comes repeatedly on a weekend), then Cellar and Kiss bar are the place to be. With the death of Babylove (rest its grimy soul), we all needed somewhere to go and be as edgy/ horny as fuck.

And in fair Kiss, we lay our scene. Unlike Grindr hook-ups, get enough overpriced cocktails in you or cheap vodka snaffl ed in your friend’s bra and you don’t have to put up with awkward chit-chat. Lock eyes, dance in a sultry manner, lay a hand on a guy’s waist and hey presto, you’ve pulled. Although in this case, it was more stagger aimlessly, bump into someone and then end up being straddled by them in the corner of the club. Oh, and only remembering this actually happened to you when someone sconces you at crewdate and everyone laughs when you don’t stand up.

Straddling complete and after a few drunken rounds upon the dancefl oor, you’re raring to go. Thrusting into a taxi when you’re struggling to remember someone’s name and hurtling into some far-fl ung fi eld is far more exciting than checking how many feet away your Grindr Romeo is.

Plus, I’m a gent. I give the guy my coat because he’s cold. Which the guy responds to by hurling himself out of the taxi onto the pavement outside his house, whilst throwing the contents of his stomach onto my beautiful denim in the process. From this point onwards, it’s merely damage control and hoping the guy hasn’t got alcohol poisoning. After a few more chuns in his neighbour’s garden and earcrushing shouts, we finally get into his house. Far from the fuck I imagined, I’m now holding a cup to puke into as he refuses to leave his bed. Mother Theresa would be proud of my chastity and charity.

Finally, a click at the door. His housemates have returned and my babysitting has come to an end. I plan my escape. Except, it’s 3:30 a.m. I have no money and am an hour’s walk from college. I am resigned to spending the night in the den of puke. Finally relieved from my duties as carer, I get to sleep. Yes, it was an ordeal and a great deal more traumatic than a Grindr hookup, but the ‘sorry I vommed on you’ blowjob I got the next day was still pretty good.

Why I Refrigerated My Poo

Want to make big bucks quick? The secret to getting three grand in two weeks? The answer is poo. I just fi nished a fortnight-long clinical trial investigating enteric fever (that’s typhoid to you) and I am £3,640 the better for it.

The procedure is simple. You are infected with either Salmonella enterica typhi or paratyphi, and for the next 14 days you go to hospital, hand in stool samples, and have blood taken. Occasionally you drool into a test tube. You keep your shit (yes, literally) in the fridge in a little cooler bag and notify your housemates that they really don’t want to be stealing anything from your shelf. You can’t make food for anyone or let anyone eat your faeces, but they didn’t mention any limitations on blowjobs.

Yes, I did have to sign a piece of paper to confirm that I understood I may die, but so what? I had one day spent sweating in bed, and then had to come home early from a hip’n’hoppin’ Cowley house party because my back hurt and I felt like a pensioner. Other than that, there was not much of an impact on my life. I mastered the art of timing my coffee-drinking to my loo breaks so that the nurse would exclaim ‘Hot off the press!’ with jubilation. The crooks of my elbows looked like heroin colanders. I got the quads of a champion from cycling to Headington every day.

Typhoid and paratyphoid are bacteria that have been rendered largely obsolete in countries with well-maintained modern plumbing. It represents a specific danger to children under the age of five, so the study is carried out by the paediatrics department of the Oxford Vaccine Group. You carry typhoid and paratyphoid in your gut, so the trial begins with an endoscopy, which is the opposite of a colonoscopy. You go into the JR at 7am and have a cable pushed down your throat, through your stomach and into your small intestine. 15 tissue samples are then taken from your gut lining (which you can’t feel). After the endoscopy, you have a 45-90 day period in which your gut recovers, and then you start the trial. It was probably the most unpleasant part of the whole thing – picture me foetal, sedated, retching sleepily over the clamp strapped around my head that keeps my mouth open for the cable.

On the challenge day – the day you get infected – they take a coke can’s worth of blood and make you do a bunch of shots out of a test tube. You get a funpack of a diary card and a crappy thermometer that takes about five minutes to read your temperature. You record your temperature twice a day. Simple. As soon as you start showing symptoms they start you on a two-week course of antibiotics that they know will clear you. This study has been going since 2009 and in 173 participants, they have never had a single hospitalisation for severe symptoms.

The worst part is probably your friends’ reactions. It is a legal requirement to tell your household, but of course word gets out when they bitch about it amongst themselves. You get comments at formal hall shadowed by a shake of the head and a ‘tut-tut’ of “She’s put a value on her body” and “I can’t believe you’d choose to have an endoscopy!” I even once got the accusation of “You’re not doing it for the good of humanity though, are you? You’re just doing it for the money” – of course I am. What do you expect? Or rather, I am humanity, and I’m doing it for my own good. I’m going to need seed capital if I’m going to save the world one day, you know. Better still is the introductory line, “This girl keeps her poo in the fridge!” – pause for the big reveal – “Because she has typhoid! On purpose!” And? For two weeks of pooing into a cup I walk away £3,000 richer and y’all can suck it.

And the best part? They’re still recruiting.

Letterman: The last of his kind

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Across the Atlantic, television is in mourning. Black curtains adorn the windows of the Ed Sullivan Theatre on Broadway. The last remaining legend of the small screen has passed on; the last of his kind, we will not see his like again in our lifetimes. A true giant of late night entertainment has been felled. David Letterman has retired.

Eulogies have poured in from the great and the good. Conan O’Brien urged viewers to actually change channel to watch the final Late Show. Jimmy Kimmel’s ode to Letterman was so emo- tional he had to restart it three times. Jimmy Fallon credited Letterman with creating the late night talk show format as it currently stands. Jon Stewart capped it off by calling Dave the greatest talk show host of all time. High praise, indeed the highest praise possible, for a man who started his professional life as a weatherman.

For those of you who don’t know who David Letterman is, or don’t understand why his retirement is so monumental, just remember this; he hosted the same late night talk show on CBS for 22 years. That’s longer than most of you reading this have been alive for. Add to that the 10 years spent hosting Late Night and Letterman becomes the longest-running talk show host in American television history.

For many viewers, Letterman’s show has been the staple of American television. He was there in the aftermath of 9/11, providing a brief moment of normality to an American audience still reeling in the chaos. He was there after a quintuple bypass heart operation, visibly emotional as he thanked the team of doctors that saved his life. He was there, publicly apologising to an audience of millions in his admission of sleeping with members of his staff. The memorable moments continue: Cher calling him an asshole, Joaquin Phoenix’s performance art car-crash interview, Drew Barrymore flashing him. As you might imagine, 30 years on the air produces quite a highlights reel.

Admittedly, Letterman’s style has been criticised for not so much maturing with age as fossilising. Whilst Jimmy Fallon plays ‘Wheel of Musical Impressions’ with Christina Aguilera, and James Corden parodies the entirety of Tom Hank’s filmography in six minutes with Hanks himself, Letterman is sat behind the same desk, asking the same sort of questions, with a sardonic wit that’s unchanged since a time when the Berlin Wall was still standing.

His retirement comes as the final earthquake in the recent tectonic shifts in the world of American talk show television. Jay Leno’s retirement from the Tonight Show, for the second time, was equally monumental, giving his replacement Jimmy Fallon the space to monopolise on comedy segments that have vast YouTube audiences. Craig Ferguson, who hosted the show that followed Letterman’s for ten years, was replaced by essentially unknown Brit James Corden. And now we have Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report fame, stepping in to the largest shoes imaginable in the late night world as Letterman’s successor.

Letterman is a relic from an era that has long ceased to exist. Much closer in image to Johnny Carson than to the modern, energetic, unrelentingly enthusiastic breed of talk show hosts, Letterman is very much the last of the old guard of television royalty. None of the current talk show hosts will still have their shows in 20, let alone 30, years. The world of television is too jittery for one person to endure for that long again.

Watch the final Late Show if you can. As much as it’s simultaneously funny and moving, it is now also a piece of history; a monument to a man whose stature and legacy we will not see again.

Oxford rides into the sunset

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The Oxford University Polo Club triumphed in its 117th annual var­sity contest on Sunday, crushing their Cambridge counterparts 14-2. It was Ox­ford’s 60th win in the fixture and the widest margin in Oxford’s favour since 1914, cementing Dark Blue dominance in what is one of the set-piece matches in the polo calendar. Played out at Guards following the Old Etonian vs Old Harrovian warm-up game, it was Oxford’s tenth varsity win in 15 years.

Oxford dominated from the first chukka in the blistering Berkshire sun, with George Pearson putting Ox­ford ahead almost straight away with a quick neck shot goal. The Christ Church fresher soon doubled his tally, moving Oxford up to a smart 2-0 lead by the end of the first chukka. Pearson’s hot form persisted into the second chukka, with a narrow miss right at the start. Cambridge then made a move, regain­ing position, but was ridden off by the Dark Blues’ star player Lawrence Wang. With a handicap of -2 and six years of polo playing behind him, Wang’s vast experience was evi­dent in the second chukka as the Tabs strug­gled to get a foothold in the match.

With Cambridge ailing, Oxford hit cruise control, building up a 6-0 lead by the end of the second chukka with two more goals from Pearson. A formidable part­nership between Vere Harmsworth, an­other fresher, and Pearson in the centre of the pitch effectively denied Cambridge possession, propelling the ball time and again towards the Tab goalmouth. A quick change of mounts for the third chukka ensured Oxford’s momentum continued unabated, their vigorous style of play overawing the Light Blues. An audacious nearside shot from Harmsworth, followed by another punchy volley from Pearson put Oxford 8-0 up. With the match turning into a Dark Blue whitewash, Cambridge support­ers were seen retreating into the pavilion and even the commentator suggested this was a painfully unequal encounter.

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Oxford did not let matters lie there, how­ever, reaching double figures by the end of the third chukka at 10-0. Acrimony broke out as Cambridge frustrations flared, a number of fouls breaking up play across the pitch. At this stage, Oxford supporters were seen hast­ily Googling the fixture’s history, wondering if we were on for an all-time record Dark Blue win. Cambridge’s inability to get anywhere near Oxford’s ‘D ring’ ensured victory was all but in the bag.

The fourth and final chukka saw another change of ponies from Oxford quickly bear fruition. Pearson rammed home another goal and Harmsworth fol­lowed this up with a ‘mil­lionaire’s shot’, taking the score to a cool 12-0. Some impres­sive techni­cal play from Louis Maddi­son, Oxford’s number three player with a hand­icap of 0, denied Cam­bridge posses­sion. Maddison ‘hooked’ the ball, using his stick to prevent the Tabs from striking the ball by blocking their stick during the swing, seiz­ing possession and perform­ing an ambitious dash for the Tab ‘D ring.’

The whitewash was sadly be­smirched by a penalty awarded to the Tabs midway through the fourth chukka. As the commentator asked, “Is there a chance for them?” Cambridge managed to chalk up something on the score board. Another pen­alty for the Tabs followed a few moments later and suddenly the Light Blues seemed on the verge of a fourth quarter comeback with the score at 12-2. With a minute to go, though, Oxford crushed such aspirations, a neat backhand from Wang and then another goal leaving the final score at 14-2.

The victory took Oxford three ahead of Cambridge in total wins at Varsity level. The contest has been played almost continu­ously since 1878 and has a good claim to be the single longest running polo match. Past OUPC coaches include Winston Churchill, who used to ride down from Blenheim Palace to test out his charges on Port Meadow. Ox­ford polo perhaps suffers from a reputation as excessively well-to-do, but with over 100 active members of all standards, it ranks as one of the university’s fastest growing sports clubs. The polo varsity has also led the way in gender equality at Blues level, with women (Jacqui Broughton, Oxford and Emma Tom­linson, Cambridge) captaining both Light and Dark Blue teams in 1994 for the first time in the history of any mixed university sport. Recent years have seen the standard of the contest soar; the 2013 match in particular is noted as perhaps the most impressive post-war performance with the addition of Lanto Sheridan to the Dark Blue side.

And with another varsity win under its belt, OUPC seems to be going from strength to strength. 101 years on from 1914, when Ox­ford triumphed 19-1, Oxford seem to be re­prising their dominance in this staple of the British sporting summer calendar.

Best of the rest: events still to come in Trinity

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Although this is sadly our last issue until Michaelmas, the world of Oxford sport continues. In a bid to keep you up to date, we take a look at the ‘best of the rest’.

Cricket varsity is arguably one of the biggest sporting events in the Oxford calendar. After the Boat Race and rugby varsity, the cricketers manage to give themselves the most time to shoe the Tabs.

On 12th June, the varsity campaign kicks off, with both the men’s and women’s Blues T20 matches away at Cambridge. Then, on 27th June, both Oxford and the other place descend on Lords for the one day varsity match, for women and men. Finally, and hopefully to complete the hat trick of Dark Blue victories, the men’s Blues travel to Cambridge for a second time, for their four day varsity match. Lets hope for a Tab shoeing five times in a row.

You may have thought/hoped/prayed that with the last day of Summer VIIIs came the last day of rowing. You would be wrong. Oriel, who are currently men’s Head of the River, host their annual Oriel Regatta on 13th June, on the Isis. This is a day of side-by-side match racing, so there is a chance to see the cream of Oxford’s crop in boats other than VIIIs, and maybe we can actually answer the eternal RowChat ques­tion… who is the fastest on the river?

On 5th and 6th July, both Blues teams will take on their old rivals in the tennis varsity at the Moor Park Golf & Tennis Club. The teams have had a strong season, and will be looking to avenge their losses from 2014. The second, third, and fourth teams take on the Light Blues in Cambridge on the weekend of 20th June.

In the realm of athletics, the Oxford and Cambridge athletics teams are joining forces on 29th June to take on a team from across the pond, from Harvard and Yale. This will be the 45th match between the two sides, and will take place at Oxford’s very own Iffley track, so is perfect spectating fodder for you poor souls still here in 10th Week.

We are entering the final stages of Croquet Cuppers 2015, and the cream is rising to the top. Gone are the eager freshers, chilled out second years, and procrastinating finalists. The only players left are serious about their croquet, and will continue to battle it out until the end of term.

Though September is a very, very long way away, pre-season is the way to go for those attempting to make university teams next year. More than that, pre-seasoners are able to feel superior to those little freshers who join in Freshers’ Week, as they already have all the stash. Result.

Tabs left without a paddle against Oxford canoeists

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Founded in 1952, OUCKC is one of the oldest university paddlesport clubs in the country. This year the Oxford Uni­versity Canoe and Kayak Club has gone from strength to strength, seeing an increase in the number of new members attending Sunday training sessions and trips and be­coming members of the club. The year kicked off in early Michaelmas with the BCU Student Safety Seminar at Plas y Brenin in North Wales; a weekend of essential training about transport, club health and safety, training schemes and trips abroad, as well as skills coaching on whitewater.

Matthew Coulson, Chris Booth and Thomas Leissing then competed in the BUCS Whitewater Race on the Washburn in Yorkshire, coming 4th with a time of 9.30.6 minutes (the winning time was 8.44.7 minutes). This counted as one of the four varsity competitions against Cambridge (whitewater, free­style, marathon, canoe polo). The freshers enjoyed a trip to the River Usk in South Wales, a Grade 2/3 river, with those who had just learnt to paddle running three sizeable drops successfully under the coaching and leadership of more experienced club members and alumni.

In Hilary, a trip to the River Dart in Devon saw freshers and new members paddling the Upper, the Loop, Lower Dart and the Tawe: ranging from Grade 2 to Grade 4 white water. A group of 15 members attended the National Student Rodeo freestyle competition at the Nottingham HPP White Water Course at the end of 7th Week, with Ben Coulton gaining second place in the men’s expert category, and Chris Booth gaining third place in the men’s intermediate category. The women’s canoe polo team also enjoyed competing in the Division 2 National League Ladies Canoe Polo Tournament held in Stratford-Upon- Avon.

In Trinity, OUCKC attended the BUCS Canoe Polo Competition at Hatfield Water Park at the end of 0th Week. They ranked 27th over­all, achieving one win and losing four games. Trips were also led on the Tryweryn in North Wales, and at the International White Water Centre in Cardiff. The varsity match was held in Oxford this year at the end of 2nd Week, with more women than men competing from Oxford. On the Saturday, the women’s Canoe Polo team beat Cambridge 4-0, with the help of GB Polo Player Sophie Louth, while the men lost 6-5. Oxford women gained the top three places in marathon, and the men came in first, second, and fourth places, scoring 26 points, beating Cambridge’s 19. On the Sun­day the freestyle competition was held, as well as the women’s white water race, which was won (just) by Cambridge. Oxford women won the freestyle, again taking the top three places, and Oxford men came first, fourth, and sixth, scoring 22 points, just losing to Cambridge’s 23.

Canoe Polo Cuppers was held at Port Meadow at the end of 4th Week, and was won by St Anne’s, taking the trophy away from last year’s victors Merton. Six different teams, many of whose members had never kayaked before, fought hard to score goals and all pro­vided veritable competition for one another.

This year, five club members gained awards. Chris Booth, Matthew Coulson, Han­nah Theaker, and Helen Tatlow were awarded Half Blues for competing in at least three out of four of the disciplines in the varsity match, and Sophie Louth was awarded a Discretion­ary Full Blue for her achievements represent­ing GB in Canoe Polo.

As well as competitions this year, weekly Sunday sessions are held for whitewater skills development and canoe polo training at Port Meadow, marathon training every Friday morning, rolling clinics at Iffley pool, and intermediate development sessions were held on Wednesdays in Trinity. The club is currently fundraising for a new shed on the Port Meadow site, under the leadership and organization of the President Anja Mizdrak. This shed will store the boats and kit, and will be shared with the Keble College Boat Club. A number of fund-raisers, including a quiz at St Anne’s, a raffle, and cake sales at Trinity ‘Come and Try it’ open day for all members of the university have been a few ways in which money has been raised. Individual sessions for JCRs and MCRs supporting the fund-raising have also been held at Port Meadow, with coaching provided for beginners.

OUCKC will finish the year with a summer dinner at The Varsity Club, and the annual trip to Pem­brokeshire in order to go surf kayak­ing.

Oxford tennis ready for close Varsity

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Before most people had even realised that it was in fact happening, the French Open has been wrapped up for another year, as Serena Williams made history yet again in becoming only the third player to reach the landmark of 20 Grand Slam titles. Men’s champion, eighth seed Stan Wawrinka, dogged by off-court issues, shocked the world by defeating tennis robot and world number one Novak Djokovic on the way to picking up his second major title.

In Britain, the Aegon Championships get underway on 15th June, before it hands over to the one of the main events in the summer sporting calendar at the hallowed courts of the All England Club. Wherever you look, there is an absurd amount of tennis to look forward to.

Closer to home, tennis is a year-round sport. Both sets of Blues teams got their BUCS league campaigns underway in Michaelmas, with the men competing in the Premier South division and the women in the Midlands 1A.

Oxford is in its seventh consecutive year play­ing in the top flight of university men’s tennis and is coming off the back of a strong 2013-14 season, in which it finished second. However, the 2014-15 season got off to a rough start with losses against Bournemouth and Exeter, five sets to seven and two sets to ten respectively. In November, it began to right the ship with a 10-2 thumping of Premier South basement dwellers LSE, as well as narrowly defeating an Army team five sets to four in a friendly fixture.

Despite this, the rest of the month brought mixed fortunes for the Dark Blue men, as a tough 2-10 loss against Bath marred two convincing victories over Imperial and Bour­nemouth in the return fixture. Unfortunately, this poor fortune followed the team through­out December and into the new year, seeing it limp home to fourth place in the Premier South. The Oxford men only managed to take one win and a draw from five fixtures, suffer­ing convincing defeats at the hands of Exeter and Bath, before falling to rivals Durham in the quarter-final of the BUCS cup, which knocked the Dark Blues out at the semi-final stage in last year’s tournament.

The women’s Blues, by contrast, took on and handled all opponents with ease from start to finish in the Midlands 1A group, but were mar­ginally edged out from clinching the division by a similarly skilled and tenacious Warwick 1sts side. From October through to March, the Dark Blues were in unstoppable form as they cruised past the likes of Birmingham, De Montfort, Warwick 2nds and Nottingham 2nds with relative ease. It was Warwick 1sts, however, that were to be the Dark Blues’ undo­ing, as the only team that they were unable to defeat, with each fixture ending in a 6-6 draw.

Despite the disappointment of not claiming top spot in their league, the women’s Blues en­tered the playoffs regardless, with promotion still well within their grasp. Their opponents proved no match for the Dark Blues as they ran rampant, clinching promotion to the Premier Division.

With the BUCS leagues all wrapped up by the end of Hilary Term, OULTC headed to Florida for ten days, where it handily defeated teams put forward by the Florida Institute of Technol­ogy and Kiwi Tennis Club. This warm weather practice and acquisition of decent tans all-round may prove key in their preparation as the OULTC squads prepare for their varsity showdowns. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th teams will take on their Light Blue counterparts in Cam­bridge over the weekend of 20th June, before the Blues take to the grass at the Moor Park Tennis Club in Rickmansworth for the 125th varsity match. After defeat for both the Dark Blue men and women in 2014, both squads will be out for revenge in a Varsity that should not be missed.