TW: Sexual assault

When I was younger I lost my sister. I think that made me more mature for my age. See, I’m already blaming myself. But I had a best friend and we shared almost everything together. She was my ultimate best friend, the sort of girl and friend you rarely ever meet. She knows what you’re thinking before you think it. She knows what’s wrong before you say it. Your sense of humour aligns. I was always slightly worried about her. And I guess due to the passing of my sister, I wanted to protect her and always make sure she was okay.

Her father was very invasive. He was always there, in a creepy way. Most people commented on it. We got on. And my best friend and him got on. Although he told her about his numerous affairs, they got on. He bought us alcohol and cigarettes, and let us do what we wanted. We could watch anything we wanted, and not be told otherwise. He wasn’t much of a parent to be honest.

The first time it happened, my best friend and I were watching Pretty Woman together on the sofa. He came back, drunk, and got under the blanket. I felt horrendously nauseous, I don’t know why. Maybe it was a premonition. He wouldn’t move his hand away when I tried to make him. I kept pushing his hand away and he wouldn’t move it. The next few times I went round nothing of the sort happened again.

Then one day I was in the kitchen and he attacked me again, forcefully. I have flashbacks now and I can see it. This happened on and off for a period of six months. I used to try different approaches to stop him, but nothing seemed to work. One of the most significant times was in the bathroom, because of the mirror, I could see what was happening to my body and I fought more than ever. I have issues now washing my face and brushing my teeth but I’m okay now, more so than I used to be about it. 

I think it became a way of life really. I think I was so concerned that he was doing it to my best friend as well that I used to try and protect her all of the time. But it wasn’t possible. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel like my body or my mind belonged to me anymore. I just felt very sad, very confused and very isolated. I felt trapped and I felt alone. It has still affected me now. I’m a bit funny with food. I get nightmares a lot and flashbacks and I am on the edge quite a lot. But after they went on holiday for a week I realised my life didn’t have to be like that. I protected myself, and I moved away from her.

I told another friend about a year later, a few since then, and my mum when I was 19. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through or could imagine anyone going through. It is your whole normality and your entire body, what you live in, taken away from you. I don’t think many people truly realise the daily effects.

But, even though this is all very morbid and very sad, I have found that in this world there are absolutely amazing men and women that help you, inspire you, and don’t let you give up. Day in and day out. There are so many resources that are there for you. And life is so so precious and I am so so lucky in so many ways. I am so proud of my entire family and my entire existence. I have grown up and away from my trauma. It is in my fabric now, it is a part of my past, but it is not in my present. I am proud to be a woman, and I am proud to be a survivor of such an atrocity, so I can have more compassion and a greater insight into the mechanics of our existence as human beings.

We are all capable of being who we want to be and who we work at being.

What does it mean to be happy? A good question, indeed, and one that the newly-founded Oxford branch of Students for Happiness decided to explore. In an event held at St John’s College auditorium, three big names came together to attempt to give an answer to this question on Monday 18 May.

I say attempt because a) no one truly gave an answer to this question b) I don’t think anyone in the world knows the answer to this except for the few arseholes who post happiness quotes as their Facebook status every two hours and c) even if the three speakers did manage to give a valid answer when I wasn’t paying attention, we’re still Oxford students and odiously unhappy about everything, particularly about walking to anything more than 5 minutes away.

Nevertheless, it was an extremely well-attended and successful event. Please ignore my pessimism, as I now take on board the happiness life tips that the speakers imparted on us. If, like me, you weren’t familiar with the speakers, then let me reassure you that they are actually BNOCs in the realm of positive psychology. We first heard from Nic Marks, an infectiously-smiley and truly likeable ‘happiness researcher’, which is a glorified term for someone who gathers data on wellbeing, but is more than just a walking calculator. He came up with the Happy Planet Index, which looks at which countries are the happiest in the world. Spoiler alert: Britain didn’t top the list. He also founded Happiness Works, which looks at ways to change institutional structure to make people happier and have a better quality of life. To prove his BNOC status, he even has a TED talk discussing the Happy Planet Index, but surprisingly he hasn’t got a Wikipedia page.

Nic Marks talks for while about the evidence that happiness helps you live longer, make more money, and have a longer-lasting marriage. Of course, at this point, we were all convinced, and the audience was practically begging him to tell us how to obtain this happiness. And he did. The secret to wellbeing is to connect to others, be active, give time and be generous to others, learn something new each day, and take notice of things around you. Seems easy, no? But then I realise that there are some days that I spend without having spoken to another person face-to-face. Exercising is anathema to me. Running on a tight schedule and on an even tighter student budget stops me being generous with either time or money. While I learn something new every day, am I learning new things for my own mental growth and development or because I’m desperate to pass the next exam? How can I focus on the things around me when I need to think about when I next have time in between work to tidy my room, call my parents, message a friend, and write that damn Cherwell article? It’s tough, but Nic Marks makes it sound manageable, and I’ll no doubt bear in mind his tips the next time things get tough.

Our next speaker, Mark Williams, conversely, has a Wikipedia page, and an inexhaustible CV to go with it, but no TED talk. Supposedly always coming out of his retirement from being professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford to giving talks at happiness, psychology, and mindfulness events. Professor Williams talked about what mindfulness is and even gave us a cheeky taster of several minutes of mindfulness meditation. One definition of mindfulness is that it is the practice of paying attention to the here and now. It is a form of awareness, of focusing on your breathing, bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings, and concentrating on what is happening moment by moment, rather than allowing your mind to wander to the regrets of the past. Mark Williams has even designed a whole new type of psychotherapy based on it – mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) – and it is now recommended by the NHS for recurrent major depression.

Our final speaker was Miriam Akhtar, UK’s leading positive psychologist. Her goal differs from a clinical psychologist who might take one from a depressed state to a functional state, whereas her ambition is to make people happy, satisfied with their life, and feel fulfilled and with a sense of purpose. Miriam Akhtar says that to get to wellbeing, it involves playing to your strengths, developing resilience, and building optimism. It’s important to be grateful, think of the good things in your life, and to have positive relationships. She emphasised that we as human beings are social animals and part of developing positive relationships is to remember the reasons that you value the people around you in your life. One of the most striking things she mentions is that she has kept a ‘gratitude journal’ since she was a teenager, writing in it every day about the things that she is grateful about in her life.

At the end of the talks, the chair, Dr Sophie Bostock, asked each of the panel to give advice to students. Their advice include getting the balance between work and play, playing to your strengths and knowing what your strengths are, reading more novels, especially after university life, trying lots of novel activities, sleeping more, going on walks when something is bothering you, and taking more breaks.

One last thing I took away from the talk was that it is important to have emotional depth. The speakers all agree that happiness isn’t about being happy all the time, but it is about accepting and acknowledging your fears, sadness, anger, and not letting those negative emotions and thoughts overwhelm you.

You can watch a video of the talk here: