Friday 17th April 2026
Blog Page 1458

Creaming Spires: 5th Week Hilary

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PSHE at my secondary school was wholesome and happy. Our blindly optimistic PSHE teacher drew some concentric circles on the floor. The centre, sickeningly, represented our soul and we were expected to indicate how ‘close’ to us a respectable adult male would have to be before we invited them to exchange bodily fluids. Hovering ditheringly over the diagram, I eventually put a thoughtful cross in the penultimate ring. Prince Charming, when he finally arrived, would be my best friend. It has always been a matter of trust – I knew that ’cos Billy Joel said so.

Six years later, I couldn’t tell you exactly when I mislaid my gentle sentimentality. But it’s now wandering the murky marshes of Small Expectations, pursued by a taunting pack of lustful wildebeests. Casual sex is fun, and the high turn-over of willy doesn’t require us to waste time getting to know the willy’s owner. Objectification is welcome; participants are polite, straightforward, and gone in the morning in a puff of spunk. But this week I found out just how little personal trust is required of my conquests before I entrust them to my quivering groin. 

I picked Sexy Simon up on a girly night out; he was fun, suave, and had great hair. I was brain-dodderingly, clit-poundingly pissed, but to my delight succeeded in luring him through our front door. Stopping suddenly halfway through the delicious unwrapping process, I slurred in panic, “Where my keys?! Oh for fucksh shake, I losht them where ARE theeey?!” Sexy Simon padded behind me bewildered as I uprooted houseplants. He gently pointed out that I must’ve used them to get into the house, but I was in no mood for reason.

I suddenly halted my crazed hunt and fixed an accusatory eye upon my one night stand. “YOU. You stole them!” Of course, I thought smugly. The bastard thinks he can take me for a ride, in more ways than one. “Prick! Give them ba- oh…” My keys glinted maliciously from underneath the doormat. Sheepish, I scooped them up. Then we trotted upstairs and fired up the engines again. Unscrupulous thief or gallant lover? Does it matter? All roads lead to orgasm. And in the morning Sexy Simon left in a puff of spunk.

Freddy the Fresher: 5th Week Hilary

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Freddy walks down Turl Street, smiling and nodding to cries of “You da man!”. This has become a common occurrence in the last week – random strangers stopping to tell him how great he was on University Challenge. For a quiz show populated by the spottiest, sloped-shouldered nerds, people sure seem to find it sexy…

He has not seen or heard from Bernadette since his appearance on national TV (aka The Sign From The Gods). When he views her Facebook profile he sees they’re no longer friends. Checking her Twitter, he’s greeted by a lock icon.

Did she feel it too? The electricity as he answered those questions, those questions about her. 

Reluctant to stagnate as he did the last time his heart was fractured, he heads out on a pub crawl with three men of incrementally increasing levels of obesity (his teammates). Just four nerds and a shit ton of alcohol: Lamb and Flag – pint of bitter – Eagle and Child – pint of lager – Far From The Madding Crowd – shandy – Three Goat’s Heads – Guinness – Chequers – mulled cider – The Bear – half of lager (getting messy) – St Aldate’s Tavern – pale ale, part drunk – The Royal Blenheim – whiskey. Stumbling out of the final pub, they find themselves outside Camera.

“Shall we, gents?” asks the captain, stifling a belch.

“Let’s get our game on!” screeches their walking advert for skin cream.

Bleary eyed, Freddy coughs up the club’s entry fee and is surprised to find it quite empty. His teammates wander to the bar to buy the jägerbombs they will throw up in the VIP area, but Freddy wanders, trance-like, down the oculus, into the bowels of the beast. There are a few freaks dancing in clusters down there, whilst LMFAO blares out last year’s hits. Freddy closes his eyes andsways on the spot. “I’m too drunk for this,” he thinks. “Time for bed.”

He opens his eyes, ready to leave, and sees a woman standing in front of him. She has a fierce, confrontational look in her eyes, a look he has never seen before but takes an alcohol-soaked liking to.

“You’re that kid from University Challenge, right?” He nods and she immediately grabs him by the collar, pulls him into her body and kisses him passionately.

After several long seconds, minutes, hours, they draw apart. Freddy stands like a rabbit in strobe lights as she leans in, bites his ear and whispers, “Nothing turns me on like a quiz winner…”

Preview: Tis Pity She’s a Whore

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A bloody tale of incest brought from renaissance Parma to the contemporary streets of London, ‘Tis Pity She’s A Whore promises to be an intense and gripping tragedy from the risqué posters alone.

Obsession and idealism are central to the play. Adam Diaper plays Soranzo, the creepy, self-conceited husband of Arabella. He and another character, Giovanni, are not unlike in that they aspire to a perfect fantasy of Annabella as their own. Sadly this is something neither can ultimately achieve. The play brings the oft used idea of star-crossed lovers to the fore; hopefully the chemistry between Mostyn and Stocker will live up to this timeless theme.

The staging is ambitious: a mezzanine with a cluttered, lively bedroom standing eight foot high above the monochrome lounge below will be a difficult area to command in scenes with only one or two actors. In one of the scenes I previewed, the two leads and sibling lovers Giovanni and Annabella (Greg Mostyn and Kathy Stocker) threw themselves on stage in a whirlwind of energy and had me captivated for the entire scene. Stocker, whose character Annabella is a feisty, defiant young woman, definitely managed to hold court over both the men I saw her interact with. No doubt the audience too will be on her side.

The live band will make an engaging addition – director Will Felton says he wants everything to be “as live as possible” with a lot of thought going into lighting, choreography, projections and props (watch out for a dramatic climax enabled by some inventive prop use). The music which accompanies fantasy sequences is performed by talented musicians behind gauze screens below the bedroom in silhouette, illuminated with different colours depending on the mood of the scene. It not only adds aesthetically to the play but also aids the actors and draws in the audience by building momentum for the beginning of scenes.

The concept of a heterosexual relationship being taboo, when our recent news is largely associated with overturning the taboo on homosexual relationships, will be an intriguing theme to explore. Feyton says that the play, which he adapted, will be full of ‘aesthetically arresting images allowing the audience to decide for themselves’. Will the dramatic directorial choices make this play as powerful as it promises to be? We’ll have to wait until 7th week to find out.

Ceci n’est pas une femme.

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Ceci n’est pas une femme.

Issue 4: Hilary 2014

Photographer: Erin Floyd

Model: Suzie Ford

 

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Outfit 1: Pink coat – Topshop, Latex stockings – Aerynn Isabelle

Outfit 2: Black jumpsuit – Nastygal, Wedge boots – Nastygal, Bracelet – Topshop, Necklace- Topshop

Outfit 3: Blazer – Romwe

 

L’Inspiration de Paris

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L’Inspiration de Paris

Issue 2: Hilary 2014

Photographer: Leah Hendre

Models: Hannah Pye and Charles Hill

 

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(Outside) Hannah wears: Jumper – Vero Moda, Skirt – Vintage Monsoon, Shoes – New Look
Charles wears: Shirt – Crew Clothing, Chinos – Fredrick Anderson Copenhagen, Shoes – M&S

(Inside) Hannah wears: Black Top – ASOS, Skirt – Topshop, Necklace – Debenhams / White Shirt – H&M, Earrings – Debenhams
Charles wears: Jacket – Jaeger, Trousers – George @ ASDA, Scarf – Tie Rack

Colour Clash

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Colour Clash


Photographer: Kate Hodkinson

Stylist: Rebecca Borthwick

Models: Jasmine Ko & Esme Bayar

 

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Exeter College closes JCR kitchen "indefinitely"

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UPDATE: The kitchen was re-opened on Monday after members of the JCR, and the Cut The Catering Charge committee, made assurances to the Junior Dean that the kitchen would be adequately cleaned and drew up a rota.

Students have responded angrily after the JCR kitchen in Exeter College was shut this morning due to “almighty mess”

In an email sent to the JCR, Rina Ariga, the Junior Dean, stated, that a disciplinary fine and cleaning costs were being issued to the JCR, and that the “JCR kitchen [is] locked indefinitely”

The email went on, “the JCR and JCR kitchen has once again been left in an ALMIGHTY MESS”, and that “a fellow student has had to clean up some of the filth in the kitchen in order to make a meal this morning.” 

Several students have linked the move to students’ ongoing hall boycott, as there is now no alternative to hall food on-site at Exeter. JCR President Richard Collett-White commented that, “Students have been quick to condemn this as a clear attempt to break the boycott – understandably, I think.

“At first glance, it does look that way. Especially when you take into account the forcible removal of a #CTCC [Cut the Catering Charge’] banner hanging from a student’s bedroom window yesterday. I have yet to see photographic proof of the ‘almighty mess’ in which the JCR was found this morning.”
 
Collett-White added, “But we should remember that the Junior Dean, who ostensibly decides how to discipline students, is an MCR member herself and in all probability supports the student action currently underway at Exeter.”
 
No spokesperson for Exeter College was available to respond. The Junior Dean declined to comment.
 
Several students have tweeted, condemning the move.

 

The closure of the kitchen will prevent the JCR from hosting welfare tea, which has been a major part of the hall strike, and this has led to fears about the JCR’s general welfare provision. The JCR Welfare reps told Cherwell, “the welfare team at Exeter are strongly against this action by college as for some people the kitchen is the only viable means of eating at the moment. Furthermore the negative impact on welfare if it stays locked for welfare tea will be substantial.”

Former JCR President Ed Nickell drew attention to the welfare problems of closing the kitchen, telling Cherwell, “There are students who must use the kitchen every night because hall cannot cater to their dietary and health needs. Locking the kitchen has a serious welfare impact on them. Even though these students cannot use hall for health reasons, they still must pay the full £840 catering charge!”

He added that, “One hundred and forty four people share a single sink, hob, oven and fridge. Of course they can become messy. It’s unreasonable for College to blame this on students, whenever it is really due to their failure to provide adequate kitchen facilities.”

‘Hallternatives’ Committee member Lucy McCann told Cherwell, “This is a classic case of a bad move made by an authority under threat. Fining the JCR and shutting the only kitchen available to Exeter students, a place people have been relying on for the past week for food, is further narrowing our options and angering students.

“The reason given for closing the kitchen was that was that it had been left in an ‘ALMIGHTY MESS’, unsurprising given that the majority of students living in are now forced to cook there. I’m sure most of the JCR, if threatened with a kitchen closure would have tidied up the kitchen, but of course the JCR had not been given any notice and it was shut indefinitely.

“Rather than engaging with us on the issue of the catering charge maturely, the college have tried to reassert themselves in ways which only go to fuel student discontent and have made it clear that they’re not willing to listen to us at all.”

Review: The Monuments Men

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★★★★☆

The Monuments Men, George Clooney’s fourth directorial outing, based on his self-penned screenplay adaptation of the true story book, has the unenviable challenge of following his previous outstanding directorial endeavours (Good Night, and Good Luck and The Ides of March).

The film is set at the height of the Second World War. Germany has conquered much of the European mainland and is plundering the private and public art collections of the vanquished. Works which fail to conform with national socialist ideas and tastes are destroyed.

Clooney plays Frank Stokes, an altruistically concerned art aficionado who is determined to recover as much of the loot from Germany as possible. Stokes’ mission is given the go-ahead by President Roosevelt. He is commissioned as a lieutenant in the United States Army where he pulls together a small group of devoted art collectors, curators and architects, played on screen by an ensemble cast to die for (Bill Murray, John Goodman and Matt Damon among them).

It’s a dazzling set-up; the most cherished treasures of human creativity are on the brink of being lost forever, and this rag-tag group of drinkers, nerds and simple family men are the only ones interested in intervening.

The main focus of The Monuments Men is the dangers to which this group of ageing men are prepared to expose themselves for the sake of art. Goodman’s character hobbles around war-torn Europe aided by a walking stick, whilst Murray’s, in one hilarious sequence, is so intensely relaxed that he confronts a lone enemy soldier by lowering his own rifle, lying down on a patch of grass and lighting up a cigarette. They could not be any less suited to the theatre of war.

The film is subtle, elegant and respectful of its source material. Although it occasionally lapses into sentimentalism, this doesn’t spoil the overall tone. Clooney is increasingly proficient in his craft as a serious director
and manages to produce an engaging adaptation of a fascinating historical account. The film’s central message is that the heroism of the Second World War was not simply about destroying evil, but attempting to salvage good among a decimated Europe. The artwork detailed in The Monuments Men is a symbol of an identity worth preserving, and the courage of those few men who risked all for its sake is a spectacle you can’t help but admire.

Netflix: the shape of the future?

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Watching moving pictures has changed for good. Beau Willimon, the man behind the Netflix Original series House of Cards, has been quoted as saying that “television is a word that has lost all meaning”. This is a man who would know, and it is time we took notice of the potential of this new broadcasting landscape.

While old-fashioned television sets are clinging on for the moment, once Netflix completes its transition from niche streaming service to broadcasting behemoth, the whole paradigm of recorded film will be radically different. And for the better. 

Last month, Netflix production The Squarea documentary about Egypt’s Tahrir Square, was placed in the final five nominees for ‘Best Original Documentary Feature’ at the Academy Awards, and earlier this year Netflix’s House of Cards was awarded a Golden Globe. This success is telling for the future. Although media giants such as HBO continue to commission big budget, highly successful serials, other organisations like Netflix, without a base in the proverbial airwaves, are muscling in and demanding to be taken seriously. 

The Los Gatos based brand is redefining how we experience recorded drama. The company began way back in 1997 as an American mailorder version of the dearly departed Blockbuster. Yet, for most, it is the exciting prospect of on-demand movie streaming that marks out Netflix’s move from impressive start-up to fully paid-up members of the tech-glitterati. 

To understand quite how revolutionary Netflix is, we ought to consider the technology it utilises. I’m not simply talking about the graphics or the streaming software but the astonishing scale of personalisation and trendanalysis Netflix offers. Recent research by The Atlantic found that the Netflix website offers over 70,000 different personalised genres of film, highlighting the extent to which the company have created an intimate relationship between broadcaster and viewer.

Disconcerting as this is, I really can’t see a drawback in the fact that Netflix now knows that I enjoy watching ‘understated dramas
from the 1960s’. It’s convenient! 

Moreover, ‘Netflix Originals’ as a concept is a game-changer. The site is able to employ its market-reading technology in order to cater for the desires of its user-base in a way traditional media distributors can’t compete with. Take the revival of cult US comedy Arrested Development. The show, which starred Jason Bateman, Portia de Rossi, and a young Michael Cera to name but three, was originally dropped by Fox after just three seasons back in 2006. But last year Netfllix revived it, much to the delight of its niche, but vocal fanbase.

House of Cards is a show which capitalises upon the public’s interest in political thrillers and a general love for Kevin Spacey, but it is Orange is the New Black which best illustrates Netflix’s potential. A show set in a female-only prison and involving a multitude of LGBTQ characters in thought-provoking storylines is groundbreaking. Credit must go primarily to the show’s creator Jenji Kohan, but this is also a multimillion dollar corporation endorsing positive televisual attempts at articulating progressive ideas about gender.

The question is, would a show like Orange is the New Black ever have been commissioned by a traditional company? I cannot imagine regular broadcast channels backing such a radical concept. This highlights exactly how exciting this altered form of media might be. No longer are we limited to television which is bound by the conventions of being, for example, advert-friendly. These days everything from episodic drama to niche art-house films can be targeted at those who’d appreciate it.

What’s fascinating is that sites like Netflix are making millions, despite the thriving world of pirated television available online, by truly offering audiences what they want. It seems a long time ago that we were panicking about recording that episode of Neighbours over The Simpsons on video. The Internet, with Netflix its vanguard, has changed all of that, and we’re only just catching on.

Review: Sweeney Todd

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Sweeney Todd, the fictional barber known for cutting his victims’ throats before having them served up as the main course in the neighbouring pie shop, is a figure drawn from Victorian urban legend, and immortalised in the Penny Dreadfuls of the period. What Stephen Sondheim’s acclaimed 1979 musical brings to the table is a large helping of motive and moral ambiguity, in the form of a tragic backstory involving a corrupt judge, and the rape of Sweeney’s beloved wife.

Vocally, the cast are very strong, and are supported by a talented (and tireless) band and conductor. The revolving set is elegantly conceived, and excellent and resourceful use is made of its multiple levels over the play’s two hour and forty five minute running time.

However, the production takes a while to become truly engaging. It is not until towards the end of the first act, when the play reaches its – ahem – meatier portions that it really gets into its stride. There are nonetheless some stellar performances, most notably Helena Wilson’s scene-stealing turn as Mrs Lovvett, Todd’s partner-in-crime, bringing an animated humour to the role which serves to really drive the play forward. Hannah Bristow is at turns hilarious and heart-wrenching as Tobias Ragg, and Nathan Ellis portrays Anthony Hope with an affectingly awkward and naïve quality appropriate to one of the play’s only indisputably moral characters. Andy Laithwaite’s performance as Sweeney is strong overall, but during his character’s less active moments he has a frustrating tendency to lapse into blankness, with little sense of any darker emotions bubbling underneath. This ultimately reduces the impact of his otherwise excellent performance; his interactions – both dramatic and harmonic – with his various “customers,” and particularly Chris Bland’s Judge Turpin are compelling.

Sweeney Todd’s strengths far outweigh its weaknesses, and, once the interminable first third or so is out of the way, it is incredibly entertaining, constituting a fascinating decline from the darkly humorous to the just plain dark. None of its faults are insurmountable, nor do they hold it back from being ultimately an excellent show.