Thursday 7th May 2026
Blog Page 1589

Renaissance Man: Week Four

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This week Quentin Mann samples some illegal ‘reconstituted alcohol’.

The student body (note the subtle double meaning) is saturated with alcohol. Alcohol leaves a lot to be desired – like more alcohol, for example. But if you’re tired of the pedestrian drinks on offer, then what can be done? Except drinking-and-driving, obviously, which is currently illegal.

An ingenious new spirit can be purchased online and shipped to the UK via a complex chain of buyers and suppliers, much like Ukrainian ‘beef’. But the ecstatic thrill with which this beverage imbues the imbiber is far superior to your regular vodka. For this is a dazzling feat of human invention: a reconstituted alcohol.

Reconstituted, you ask? Hopefully in your head, otherwise people in the JCR are probably shuffling even further away than normal. Yes, I emphatically shout out loud, because I’m in the OSPL offices and that’s the kind of macho journalistic environment that we’re encouraged to maintain.

This 66.6% alcohol is painstakingly reconstituted from the urine of unfortunate Eastern European tramps. These long-term alcoholics are swigging methylated spirits for pleasure; this company just pays them for the after-effects. Their urine is collected, before the ethyl glucuronide, an alcohol by-product, is extracted. It then undergoes a ‘purification’ process to turn it back into ethanol, although inevitably other chemicals make it through the filters as well…

Under strict orders, I dutifully bought two bottles online using the anonymous Tor network. After waiting patiently for 2 to 3 days, a small package arrives at Cherwell HQ.

“Oh great, more anonymous bottles of piss,” says the Comment Editor, going to put them in the small cupboard devoted to death threats, dirty protests, etc. “Actually that’s for my column,” I say, snatching them off her.

I pour out the dark, pungent liquid into a glass, and hastily down it. I’m pleasantly surprised. The spirit has subtle flavours that no other alcohol can offer… It turns out small quantities of urea really give the drink that little extra kick. Na zdorovje!

Creaming Spires: Week Four

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Is the sexual frustration that accompanies a long distance relationship all too familiar or can you just not be bothered to trek to your boyfriend/girlfriend’s college for a bit of late night canoodling? Cherwell’s Creaming Spires brings you a play-by-play account of Skype sex; how to do it and how to do it well.

After the Tulisa scandal I have been far too afraid to get my kit off for a partner- what if you become famous and a bad breakup results in a scandalous exposé of you in the form of your young slutty self? But in the name of Cherwell, I swallowed my pride and got my bits out over webcam- something my boyfriend was all too keen to try out.

Initiating Skype sex is incredibly awkward. I’m a confident girl, but even I struggled to seamlessly shift the topic of conversation from my collection marks to my cunt. If I couldn’t do it vocally, I was going to have to use my body language. I ‘accidentally’ slipped a bra strap off my shoulder, at which point my boyfriend raised an all too familiar suggestive eyebrow. From there I jokingly started the strip tease and he followed suit, leaving both of us in the nuddy.

Telling each other what to do was very steamy and really arousing. The only major logistical difficulty was assuming the best/most flattering camera angle. I mean, do you go for a full body shot or a close up? Then there is the worry of someone walking in or overhearing. For some reason, the weirdo on the corridor hearing you Skype sex is much more painfully embarrassing than them hearing you have real sex. There is something quite shameful about the experience, but perhaps that is partly what makes it so exciting and naughty.

I will most definitely be making Skype sex a regular feature of my relationship but with a balaclava to protect my identity when the screen shot activity commences.

En Garde

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CLOTHES  Rebecca wears Arrogant Cat Couture silk and lace dress, Mimco pearls, Ted Baker jersy dress, vintage crystal necklace, Primark tshirt and Primark black trousers. Alice wears Betsey Johnson dress, Topshop necklace, Topshop heels, Miss Selfridge dress, Miss Selfridge beaded crop top (worn with dress), Miss Selfridge pendant, Topshop platform heels, Primark shirt, own black studded trousers.

MODELS Rebecca Heaysman and Alice Ojha
PHOTOGRAPHER Henry Sherman
STYLIST Tamison O’Connor

Review: Savages – Silence Yourself

★★★★★
Five Stars

“I’m 65, how old are you?” The final words to the introductory voice over of opening track ‘Shut Up’ are entirely appropriate considering Savages mission statement released earlier this year. Having been criticised for being a copy-cat band, they retaliated with, “Savages are not trying to give you something you didn’t have already.” Their most recent press release goes further, claiming that “Savages’ intention was to create a sound, indestructible and musically solid, written with enough nuances to provide a wide range of emotions” and on their debut album, Silence Yourself, this mission statement has been successfully implemented. 

Whilst the band are ‘nothing new’; they don’t claim to be, and what they do offer is simply a fantastic album. Savages offer a lot more musical depth than they may first suggest with tracks such as ‘City’s Full’ and ‘Strife’ having an air of the Led Zeppelin to them with Jehnny Beth’s yelps and cries, dramatic guitar sweeps, and an air of loose-pounding rock within the opening drum-break of ‘Strife’ that Bonzo would be proud of.

Lyrically, the four-piece have some interesting moments especially in the aforementioned ‘City’s Full’ with ‘your serious eyes dehumanise’ bringing a sense of depth to the track which is juxtaposed with the chorus telling of how the ‘city’s full of cissy love, yeah’.

Musically, however, is where the main interest of this album remains; with the various stylistic tributes to punk and rock bands of the past coinciding with more experimental tracks, such as ‘Waiting for a Sign’ and ‘Dead Nature’. What stands out in this album is it’s musical depth: both in terms of the audible mix, with the foregrounding of Hassan’s masterful bass; and in their intricate musical refernces. All-in-all, this is a much more satisfying and interesting listen than other ‘guitar bands’ out there like the Vaccines and even the Strokes — who we’re all rather bored of.

Track to download: Strife

Review: The Great Gatsby OST

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★★★☆☆
Three Stars

The soundtrack of Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby was never going to have an easy task; it must somehow transmit the ethereality of 1920s American decadence while simultaneously indulging contemporary appetites for extravagence. Luhrmann and Jay Z together have brought in an artistic cast worthy of The Expendables, with heavyweights in every corner. They aren’t allowed to dominate, however, as they are centred on the themes and the plot of The Great Gatsby.

The first track, Jay Z’s new ‘100$ bill’ is written for the film, with “yellow cars” running through the lyrics. Its expertly crafted line “History don’t repeat itself it rhymes, 1929 still” links irrevocably the excesses of the 20s with today’s, while the driving pulse of the track really adds a sense of pace. Lana Del Rey’s ‘Young and Beautiful’ invokes the lurking ruin of this system with her line “Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?”.

Jazz and soul runs through the soundtrack, with will.i.am, Coco O. and Fergie using jazz samples to effectively set the dance scenes in a 20s context. The Bryan Ferry Orchestra backs Emeli Sande well, and then Bryan Ferry himself in the album’s most explicitly period song.

The main complaint is that ‘100$ Bill’ is however by far the heaviest hitting song of the set, a strong start leaving one expecting an engagement and tone that the rest don’t quite live up to, with an entirely forgettable final four songs. The jazz influences seem to be a vague gesture towards previous eras as opposed to any real attempt to bring authenticity.

However it’s an enjoyable soundtrack incapable of causing offense, with Florence and the Machine and The XX in particular providing typically strong singles. Don’t pay too much attention to the soundtrack, it won’t improve your experience of the film; just enjoy the music.

Track to download: 100$ Bill

Interview: Jamie N Commons

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Although you might not have heard of Jamie N Commons yet, you definitely will by the end of the year. 

I caught up with the bluesman ahead of his gig at Jericho Tavern earlier this month to see what he was up to. As an Englishman who’s spent a considerable amount of time in America, Commons injects a unique belnd of influences into his heartfelt blues tracks.

He’s previously cited the Allman Brothers as a major influence; and tells me he has an equal appreciation of the Rolling Stones.

The interesting position of Commons in terms of nationality is arguably reflected by the movements of the Stones in the late 60s, a group that he says “sold blues back to the States”.

Blues, as a genre, has now become a “treasured part of American culture” and one which Commons hopes to latch on to; a lesser appreciation of the form over here is proving difficult.

Commons defines himself as blues-rock “with some back-end of what’s going on now, hip hop stuff etc”. He tells me, though, “It has to be British rock at its core; if it doesn’t work on an acoustic guitar, it’s not happening.”

This can definitely be heard on his latest EP, Rumble and Sway, with there being hip hop influences heard on the title track and ‘Worth Your While’, which definitely grounds his newest offering within the modern age whilst also being influenced by The Doors and “hints at that early 60s go-go lounge type thing”.

On his SoundCloud there are currently various remixes of the aforementioned ‘Rumble and Sway’, of which Commons doesn’t seem too much of a fan.
“That was the label’s decision, I’m not massively into that whole world. But the more promotion, the better.” He’s also not a massive consumer of music nowadays, worried that these influences will force him to go into a different direction. “I prefer a child-like creative place; you feel it rather than steal it”.

Commons definitely wants to be defined on his own terms. “It’s that Beatles thing – making sure that you’ve got that thing about your sound, your voice, delivery, even attitude.” The mission statement: “Nothing less than getting people listening to music in a different way!”

He’s irritated with the “proto-Ibiza thing” but is no longer bitter about it. He is more impressed by how bands have “done well out of it” and amazed at “how simply your sound can be defined”.

Hopefully with Commons there’ll be an opportunity to replace these aging rockers with someone equally credible. He’s the only rock artist to sign to Interscope in 5 years. “They’re happy to have a bunch of guys making music back at the label and stuff, hooking up with songwriters and not stylists.” With Commons comes “modern production that won’t sound alien to people – that’s the mission plan”.

And with a lot more songs in the pipeline that “can kick the door down”, hopefully he’ll be here to stay.

The Top 12 – 4th Week

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1. The Great Gatsby

In cinemas from Thursday

This is clearly going to be a defining moment for modern cinema. Big stars, a revered source, 3D, hip-hop-swing mashups. This is either going to be incredible or terrible. Then again, why make a film about the most hubristic and wasteful of generations if it’s not equally as ambitious?

 

2. Lead Feathers

@BT Studio, 7:30pm Tuesday 14th

A piece of new writing that actually sounds good? Well, isn’t that a rarity! Set aside those awful two-man shows, those extended speeches on the brilliance of the writer. This production sounds like it may actually be atmospheric, personal and dramatic in a manner which is engaging rather than contrived. Coase and Grant (also responsible for Bluebeard) weave a tale of a family struggling to cope with the aftermath of the Great War.

 

3. Miles Kane

@O2 Academy, 6:30pm Saturday 11th

Miles Kane has finally come out from under the shadow of his friend and occasional collaborator, Alex Turner – his latest album, Don’t Forget Who You Are, looks to be a hit in the making, and his live prowess is legendary. With his “modern-mod”stylings and his sing-along choruses, this will be a gig to remember.

 

4. Brazil

@Magdalen Auditorium, 7:30pm Monday 13th

Terry Gilliam and Tom Stoppard’s classic tragicomic film is showing at the Magdalen Film Society. It’s like Kafka on acid, with Robert De Niro as a freelance ventialtion repairman, Jim Broadbent as a plastic surgeon, and one of the best endings in cinema history.

 

5. She Stoops to Conquer

@Master’s Garden, Univ, 7:30pm Wednesday 15th

This play’s run lasts until Saturday, but why not spend a lazy evening in the gardens at Univ, watching a classic 18th century play? If the spate of sunny weather continues, this celebration of romance, chicanery and class should be unmissable and unbeatable.

 

6. Reginald D Hunter

@New Theatre, 7:30pm Sunday 12th

You’ve seen him on Have I Got News For You, and now it’s time to see him live. The show is called In the Midst of Crackers, which, in Oxford, is both a good pun and a good bet.

 

7. Hay Fever

@Brasenose New Quad, 1pm Saturday 11th

Seduction, conflict, intrigue and charades… Must be Noel Coward! if you fancy an afternoon of witty repartee amongst the elegant upper classes (that only ever appear in fiction), then this is your best bet. We’ve heard good things so far…

 

8. Mahler’s 9th

@St Peter’s College Chapel, Monday 13th

The Oxford Sinfonietta will be performing in the UK premiere of Klaus Simon’s arrangement of Mahler’s 9th Symphony. the performance will be preceded by a lecture, given by Peter Franklin, an eminent Mahler scholar. One for anyone who’s really into their Mahler, or anyone who’s slightly interested in classical music!

 

9. Brookes Degree Show

@The Glass Tank and the Richard Hamilton Building Wednesday 15th

The finest of fine artists from Brookes have put their reputations and their degrees on the line, showcasing their work to the general public. It’s always interesting to see wht young artists have to say for themselves. Who knows, perhaps you may see the first mature work of the next Tracy Emin or Damian Hirst!

 

10. The Barber of Seville

@St. Peter’s College Chapel, 7:30pm Friday 10th

In the intervening years between the composition of Rossini’s comic masterpiece and today, it has lost none of its potency or humour. Catch it if you can.

 

11. Mud

In Cinemas from Friday

This is the latest in Matthew McConaughey’s attempts to be taken seriously as an actor (no more rom coms!). He plays a fugitive who must be protected by two teenagers, as he attempts to reunite with his lost love, Reese Witherspoon. Hopefully it’ll be more palatable than Killer Joe.

 

12. Port and Policy

@St Giles Church, 8:30pm Sunday 12th

Okay, so it may be a total cliché. It may be one of the more odious aspects of Oxford life, but surely everyone should experience it at least once. Half the people are only there for the port anyway.

Pie-demonium at Jesus College

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Jesus College has been gripped by a mania of pie-throwing following the announcement of the official start of ‘Pie Week’ by JCR Social Secretary Chris Smith. Suspense has been high since the appearance of an enigmatically-worded event on the termly Jesus College Social Calendar.

The ‘Pie Week’ rules were outlined by Smith in an email sent to the JCR. Participants have to sign a register before being allowed to purchase the pies from the ‘Official Pie Stand’. Pies can only be thrown at those, and by those, who sign the register.

Other rules stated, “If one suspects they are about to be Pie-d they must shout “PIE” at the supposed Pie-er. If the accusation is true and the accused be guilty and has a Pie in hand, the failed Pie-er must self pie to the face. On the second occasion with the same hypothetical Pie-ee and failed Pie-er, the self-pie can be to the crotch (at the Pie-ee’s discretion). Pie-ing is an ancient sport of stealth and this rule ensures only Pie’s (sic) of style are successful; punishing the weak (at pieing).”

The pies cost 50p and consist of tin-foil trays filled with whipped cream. All money raised goes to charity. Chris Smith stated in the email, “This does mean with each pie you launch you are slowly becoming a better person.”

The event has not been uncontroversial. Chris Smith commented, “We were quickly banned from pieing in hall after a student’s aerial pie coated much of a table.”

Emilia Carslaw, a second year Classicist, told Cherwell, “it’s been an ex-cream-ly pie-olent few days in Jesus, full of pie-rannical pie-racy. We have all been living in fear, terri-pie-d of the moment the next attack will occur.”

All money raised goes to the charity Schistosomiasis Control Iniative (SCI).

Jesus charges own JCR to use rooms

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Jesus College has begun charging student groups for the use of its rooms. Both OUSU and Jesus JCR were asked to pay for access to the newly constructed Ship Street Lecture Theatre, despite it not having been booked by any other organisation.

Last week, it was discovered that Jesus JCR’s ‘Everyday Sexism’ talk with Laura Bates was oversubscribed, and a larger room was needed. After negotiation, the Ship Street Lecture Theatre was hired by the JCR at a discounted rate of £100. Similarly, the OUSU Hilary term council was requested to be held there, but College authorities quoted room rental at an undiscounted rate of £300, which OUSU declined to pay.

Jesus JCR President Tom Rogers said “Although college does give us access to most of the meeting rooms for free, it’s a shame that students are being effectively denied the use of one of the best parts of their college, and being charged large sums of money for seemingly very little reason.”

“At the end of the day, students are being treated like just another customer in the conference trade.” Rogers continued “It seems pointless to leave a great venue empty when students want to use it for worthwhile events that show off the best of Jesus College.”

OUSU Academic Affairs Officer David Messling, told Cherwell that “most colleges will allow OUSU Council, for instance, to be held for free, given that all their students are OUSU members.”

OUSU president-elect Tom Rutland commented “Colleges should be welcoming student engagement with groups like ‘Everyday Sexism’ and involvement in their Student Union, not charging them to host these events. When new facilities are built off the back of donations from alumni and sold as ‘great for students’ it’s disappointing that in some colleges, students rarely get a chance to use them.”

He continued “If the rooms aren’t being used for something else at the time, it seems extremely unfair to charge the student body to use them. Jesus College prides itself on its commitment to equality and diversity, so to charge the JCR for an equalities event’s move simply because it was so popular is pretty disappointing.”

Jesus College declined to comment.