Monday 6th October 2025
Blog Page 1662

Internship blog: news agencies

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‘Let me tell you – the girl who sat at that desk before you, she really was great.’

Hardly the most heartening words to hear on your first day. My search for some ‘hands-on’ journalistic experience had brought me to the offices of a small news agency, where instead of being thrown out into the field, I was somewhat relieved to find myself plonked on the office-bound features desk for the first couple of days.

My predecessor, it transpired, had gone on to blag a coveted job at Take a Break magazine, and left in her wake a raft of high expectations, which I was only too ready to disappoint. My boss was a friendly yet formidable man, who prided himself on his ample Fleet Street experience. As head of the agency’s features arm, his role is essentially that of a middle man, liaising with tabloids and ‘real life’ magazines on behalf of people wanting to sell their stories.

The other responsibility of the features desk was attempting to find people to meet the briefs for various newspaper or magazine features, which earned the agency an easy 50 quid a time. Emails poured in, dozens a day: ‘seeking bold ladies to bare their bums for a fun and tasteful summer feature’ … ‘Do you know anyone who’s lost 20 dress sizes in one month?’ … ‘Were your mates banged up in last year’s riots?’ … and so on.

On the upside, this did help to solve the ever-puzzling question of how magazines source their bizarre features. On the downside, I was haunted by the spectre of my predecessor, who seemingly knew someone for every possible eventuality. I, in contrast, was left wishing I knew more lunatics, exhibitionists and criminals. But as became increasingly clear, this was the easy side of the job. I quickly realised that those magazines trading in scurrilous stories of treachery and intrigue, the type I only encounter once a year on a sun lounger in Majorca, are big business, and that a softly-softly approach isn’t always good enough to convince someone to sell the story of their tragic life.

That’s not, of course, to say that there’s any coercion involved – plenty of people freely turn down the enviable opportunity of appearing in Closer – but I had rather thought that the staff of these magazines would have it easy, with people throwing themselves before the editor, keen for a couple of grand in exchange for fifteen minutes on the phone discussing their ill-fated existences. Unfortunately, as with much of life, it’s a lot harder than it looks. Sourcing people with life stories, both dismal and uplifting, requires commitment, connections and an unrivalled ability to trawl through newspapers. A canny method I learnt was to seize upon the letters page, where an unsuspecting Daily Mail correspondant might inadvertently hint that they had a great story to tell. My job then was to use the wonderful resource that is the internet to track down potentially interesting characters and find out if they would be interested in making some easy money.

Here, as with the news side of the agency, I was constantly aware of being at the tough end of journalism. Every story had to be worth something for the agency to stay afloat and targets had to be met. When working on the wire, you may find the story you’ve spent all week covering isn’t picked up at all, and even if it is you’re unlikely to get a byline for it.

This was true of the first news task I was sent on, where a reporter and I spent a day at an employment tribunal (generally recognised as the most paltry of assignments), only for the write- up not even to make it into the local press. I was left with the impression that often the reporters’ sole purpose was to be a junior tabloid reporter’s dogsbody – if the Mirror wants to see the death certificate of some Z-list celebrity’s great aunt, but they can’t be bothered to send one of their own people to that part of the country, they would pay someone from the agency to do it.

This does, however, have its benefits. While newspaper hacks in London spend a great deal of time holed up in offices rehashing press releases and wire stories, working for an agency means actually getting out there and reporting. One of my highlights was being sent to court to watch high profile cases reach their climax, finding out what you could and could not report, then learning how to craft a short article out of a day’s worth of proceedings and a dense notebook of shorthand.

The same was true of my previous week, spent at a national news agency in London. Here, desks lay empty during the day, with all the reporters out on the scene. Sometimes expeditions would prove fruitless or tedious, as when we waited expectantly for Bob Diamond to arrive for his Treasury Committee appearance, only for him to go in through the back door, or the time when we waited hours for the ‘terror threat’ electronic cigarette blighted Megabus to arrive back in London. But at other points I couldn’t believe my good luck.

One assignment saw me meet Paula Radcliffe at a press junket, while another gave me a sneak preview of the new James Bond exhibition and a free breakfast. Even a trip to film rain-drenched tourists for a piece on the abysmal weather proved exponentially more interesting than being chained to a desk number-crunching, as I imagine a typical banking internship would entail. Sure, I wasn’t paid, but no one goes into journalism for the money, and I found out a lot about where the real work in reporting goes on.

What not to take to Oxford

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The second most important party occasion of the year after Michael Gove’s birthday is slowly emerging from the dregs of its hangover period. The UMS marks are safely cocooned in imitation-mahogany frames, the semi-awkward Facebook groups are joined and cursorily stalked, and all traces of AQA have been so thoroughly purged you’ve actually asked the local priest to do that sprinkly thing around your room with the holy water. Now it’s time to look tentatively ahead to the packing. (The what?)

Veterans with months of procrastination experience will presently take to student rags to peddle apparently exclusive wisdoms about fresherdom. Often this involves recycling racy dos and don’ts, ironically compiled as some form of perverse health-and-safety leaflet. The nationals will also have a go, occasionally leaving you wondering why they tried.

With all that info in one Google search, what do you actually need to bring? You may as well just shove everything in. Of course, there are some things you can’t argue with (underwear), whereas there are some things you can (twenty-eight pairs of shoes) and some things you really can (shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles). To help whittle down your mounting tick list, here is a small sample of things you might think twice about before putting in ahead of the toothbrush.

 

Bust of Pericles

Boris Johnson famously took one of these to Balliol with him. Presumably not the real deal, although you can never be sure where the line is for the guy. At the time of writing, you can actually eBay one – from that arcadia of classical antiquity, Australia – for a hundred and twenty sterling squids. This bearded Athenian might win you the heart of a hot Corpus classicist, but in all probability will make you look a little over-keen to the student lay folk. And he probably finds being sole audience to your fumbly liaisons rather embarrassing.

 

Your favourite large teddy

Evelyn Waugh based Aloysius bear on one his poet friend John Betjeman used to carry around with him at Oxford called Archibald. (Betjeman also had a stuffed elephant called Jumbo.) However, anyone who still considers Oxford to be a minor suburb of Brideshead might receive a few bemused frowns for towing their vintage Steiff toy around with them between lectures. At best a naff Anthony Andrews tribute act and at worst an indication that you are ineligible for procreation, stuffed animals in college are best kept small and room-bound.

 

Backpack of condoms

Life ≠ Love Actually. Move on.

 

‘The Easy Way to Stop Drinking’ by Allen Carr (available for £13.46 on Amazon Books)

I’m not saying don’t invest in a copy, but you’re trying not to waste precious pennies, right? Pennies that could be put to better use at the bottom of glasses. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: I thought it was Alan Carr too.

 

Livestock

The last thing you need after a hard night’s senseless gyration is to get up and find you need to physically move more than seven metres to procure milk. The solution seems obvious: bring a cow, what udder genius – free lactose 24/7? Well firstly, it isn’t pasteurised, bitch. Secondly, they must be fed on grass, by which I don’t mean marijuana; and I’m not inclined to put Trinity’s gardener out of a job. The only place where quadrupeds are legit for any sort of lawnmowing is Magdalen and I am unsure whether they will supplement your Shreddies.

 

Fifty Shades of Grey

Unless ‘the study of humiliation on the sexual consciousness’ is a part of your course (for arts degrees, this is sometimes not a joke), it’s just not feasible to slot in a cheeky bit of bondage in amongst your essay crises and lab reports. Time is one issue; reading it is another. Involuntarily imbibing mummy porn can only lead to vexing disorientation: mentally superimposing kinky cuffs on the guy opposite you in the lecture hall, or misinterpreting your tute partner as she laments an overdue essay (“he’ll punish me when I give it to him later”). So, leave the literary marvel at home and concentrate, as you should, on more sedate, academic tomes, like J. R. Clarke’s ‘Roman Sex, 100 BC-AD 250’ (Bodleian Library shelfmark UBHU M04.C05068).


A closed attitude

One of the more annoying things you can do is roll up to university and end up hanging about with all the rugger chaps you used to play against, or making shoulder chips, visas, Jack Wills bottoms, etc. a pre-requisite of your milieu. Wake up to the joyous possibilities of higher education. Everyone feels as awkward as you, so there’s nothing to lose. Chat to everyone you meet, even the funny-smelling ones. Uppity cliques are best left to American teen serials, and striking a good note with one of your many witnesses to several years of blunder means there’s at least one more person who’ll drag you out of the gutter at 2am.


Hopes of everlasting love

Despite how books and films unfold to your pleasure, it’s not a sound assumption that dreaming spires automatically come with complimentary damsels and princes. The whole notion is, statistically, somewhat possible, but making it known that you’re “looking for love” will draw in unexpected sorts of punters at blearier times of the day.

Immigration figures are incorrect, warn Oxford analysts

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Oxford University analysts have warned that the government’s latest immigration figures may be inaccurate by up to 35,000 people.

According to Dr Martin Ruhs, director of the University of Oxford’s migration observatory, COMPAS, any statistics based on last year’s net migration figure would be misleading due to the way in which they were calculated.

The Office of National Statistics (ONS) unveiled that last year 216,000 people entered the UK. However this figure was in fact a central estimate in a range from about 181,000 to 251,000 people. With high margins of error, the government’s claim of a drop in immigration by 36,000 migrants over 2010 has been described as “statistically insignificant” with the actual figure being lower or higher by anything up to 35,000 people.

In the wake of David Cameron and Teresa May’s wishes to reduce the net migration figure to just 100,000 people per year, these inaccuracies will doubtlessly raise concerns about statistics on immigration and the methods used to calculate them. “In simple terms, the Government could miss the “tens of thousands” target by many tens of thousands and still appear to have hit it,” Dr Ruhs said, “conversely the Government could hit, or even exceed its target and still appear to have missed it.” 

He added, “There is a constant desire among policy makers in all parties, the press and other interest groups in having ‘hard’ facts and specific numbers about migration, but the reality is that sometimes these are simply not available. The uncertainty around the official migration estimates means that the figures need to be used and interpreted with great care.”

These latest worries about monitoring migration may also have an impact on the current population debate that COMPAS has been following over the past few months. An e-petition to cap the UK population to not exceed 70 million has already garnered over 140,000 signatures with campaigners wishing the government to come down hard on immigration to achieve this. 

In July, Dr Scott Blinder, Senior Researcher at the Migration Observatory said, “We cannot base major policy decisions on a finger-in-the-air decision to aim for one round number or another. Policy needs to be based on evidence. At this stage there simply isn’t enough to even debate what is at stake.”

Concerns over the accuracy of immigration statistics can only reinforce COMPAS’s worries of both the consequences of trying to cap populations and the folly of trying to draw conclusions from vague estimates.

In a recent press release Dr Ruhs commented, “The uncertainty in the UK’s migration estimates also means that it is very difficult to assess how well the government is progressing toward its target of reducing net-migration to the ‘tens of thousands’, or to evaluate the effects of specific policy changes.”

Dossier discloses drunken behaviour of Oxbridge students

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The behaviour of students at Oxford and Cambridge has once again come under media scrutiny following the release of information to The Daily Telegraph concerning college discipline over the past two years.

According to The Telegraph and the Daily Mail, documents released under the Freedom of Information Act by 15 different colleges chart the “appalling behaviour” of undergraduates and suggest that students at the institute constitute “some of the most depraved.”

Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge came under particular fire with 44 separate incidents of indiscipline since 2010. These included letting fireworks off at 4am, parading the boat club captain naked around Sainsbury’s and throwing food at each other at a local Indian restaurant.

Oxford’s Merton College also made headlines, after incidents of “alcohol-related bad behaviour” resulted in the Myrmidons, the college’s male-only dining society, being banned from holding their summer garden party.

The records stated that, “It apparently never occurred to students that there was something fundamentally wrong with their behaviour.”

The publication of the records has had mixed responses. Whilst The Daily Telegraph branded the reports evidence of widespread “student mayhem” amongst the academic elite, a spokesperson for Oxford commented, “Oxford and Cambridge between them account for tens of thousands of young people, so it’s not entirely surprising that incidents of stupid and inappropriate behaviour do come up. When they go too far, they face the consequences – which, because they are studying at world-famous universities, sometimes include getting in the paper.”

The universities have been quick to emphasise that the welfare of students is paramount, and that any incidents which could have an adverse effect on other students and on the wider community would be appropriately dealt with.

A spokesperson for Cambridge University commented, “All colleges have their students’ welfare and their safety as a key priority: any incidents of behaviour affecting others, whether in the college community or among the public, are taken very seriously. The colleges are pro-active in dealing with the problems of excessive drinking, working with health and public order professionals to make students drink- and safety-aware. Any incidents are dealt with and appropriate sanctions imposed.”

Students expressed the opinion that Oxbridge is often unfairly treated by the media, with second year English student Bethany Cox commenting, “If you work hard, you have to play hard, and in the majority of cases this is responsibly.” A Cambridge second year philosopher concurred, remarking, “the author of the Daily Mail article probably went to Durham.”

Colleges and their Movies

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Ever wondered what movie your college would be represented by if a poorly informed writer, armed only with Wikipedia and vague stereotyoes, took a swipe at it? Well, look no further! Current students and curious freshers can get to the heart of Oxford’s college system with this Guide to Oxford Colleges as Represented by Spurious Movie Associations!

Balliol The Birth of a Nation (1915)

Not a comment on its politics, they’re both just, let’s say, really influential.

Brasenose Dr Strangelove (1964)

 A farce about what happens when you give stupid people a lot of power.

Christchurch Cruel Intentions (1999)

It’s all a bit too upper class and incestuous but damn does it look good.

Corpus Christi Daddy Day Care (2003)

Corpus is really small and I figured this was a safer way of illustrating that than going with circus freaks.

Exeter Mamma Mia! (2008)

Better location than it is a film.

Harris Manchester Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Let’s face it; they’re both awful names.

Hertford The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

They both involve bridges, to a greater or lesser extent.

Jesus Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

According to Wikipedia, he’s their most famous alumnus. That is now everything I know about the college.

Keble Sleepy Hollow (1999)

 That neo-Gothic façade is straight out of the mind of Tim Burton.

Lady Margaret Hall Cast Away (2000)

It’s really far away.

Lincoln The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

Both involve a certain amount of ‘living rough’.

Magdalen Bambi (1942)

They both contain their fair share of deer and animal slaughter (disclaimer: the latter part is pure conjecture).

Mansfield Beneath the Darkness (2012)

It’s quite new but you still probably haven’t heard of it.

Merton Inception (2010)

It’s expensive and thinks it’s very clever. Also, they’re both big on zero gravity fights.

New The Squid and the Whale (2005)

The reason I hate misleading titles; you think you’re in for two hours of fish based fun and you get a sermonising treatise on divorce.

Oriel The Matrix (1999)

A while ago, it was considered really good. Now? Meh, not so much.

Pembroke Heaven’s Gate (1980)

Extraordinarily expensive and, if current figures are to be believed, not very good at all. My college loyalty only stretches so far.

Queen’s Cold Mountain (2003)

It’s got a beautiful location but, all things considered, this film’s kind of boring.

Somerville Calendar Girls (2003)

Harmless and big on the X chromosome, the comparison stops when the clothes come off.

St Anne’s  Lost in Translation (2003)

It might seem slightly obscure, but the St Anne’s Porter’s Lodge reminds me of the hotel from Lost in Translation.

St Catherine’s Tron (1982)

A weird vision of the future in which everything looks terrible.

Teddy Hall The Horse in Motion (1878)

The first film ever made which, coincidentally, probably wouldn’t do very well in the Norrington Table.

St Hilda’s Mosquito on the 10th Floor (1983)

Nope, I hadn’t heard of it either.

St Hugh’s Swiss Family Robinson (1960)

Kind of recycling my LMH joke here but I’m sure you get the picture.

St John’s Avatar(2009)

The most expensive movie ever made. Some might call it crass but you can’t dispute its ambition.

St Peter’s Friends (1971)

I know, I didn’t realise it was also a movie.

Trinity Casablanca (1942)

The ultimate movie about temptation. Happy to let you look, so long as you don’t even think about touching.

University College The Movies (1925)

If only all names were this obvious and self-explanatory.

Wadham Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I have a quota of crude stereotypes that I have to fill.

Worcester My Week With Marilyn (2011)

Emma Watson was in it for about 5 minutes.

Football’s statistics revolution?

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If Manchester City’s Performance Analysis Department are right, then football’s big news in August had nothing to do with Robin Van Persie, will probably have no impact on the Premier League this season, and for once didn’t involve the exchange of millions of pounds.

Instead, it was the announcement on their own website of the launch of a new initiative, MCFC Analytics, and with it, the public release of all of last year’s Opta data for the entirety of the Premier League season. That means every touch of every player from every team in the course of the last season will be documented, categorised and put into one enormous spreadsheet that can be downloaded from the club’s website.

This wasn’t just a dream come true for the stats-minded football enthusiast: a rare chance to test that longstanding but somewhat controversial belief that Man United should have held on to Darron Gibson, or that Ramires is the best player in the league.

City are keen to instigate a lasting change in the way statistics are used in football, by making important data available to engage the ‘analytics community’ and emulate the success of amateur enthusiasts in the statistical revolution in American sports – in short to harness the ‘Moneyball’ effect.

Moneyball is the title of a book by Michael Lewis – turned into last year’s Brad-Pitt-starring film of the same name – documenting the success of the Oakland A’s statistically informed recruitment policy under general manager Billy Beane. This approach relied on the use of ‘sabermetrics’, a term coined by Bill James, the pioneer of statistical analysis in baseball, to designate ‘the search for objective knowledge about baseball’.

In James’ view, not only was such knowledge accessible, but it was also revolutionary, and would undermine traditional subjective measures of player and team value. And so it turned out. By making use of sabermetrics principles in his recruitment of players on a low budget, Beane (played by Brad Pitt in the film) oversaw a record-breaking run of 20 straight victories for the franchise.

By now the principles of ‘sabermetrics’ are well-established in the baseball world. As owner of the Boston Red Sox, current Liverpool owner John W. Henry was one of the first to embrace these principles at a big team, with remarkable success.

However, Henry’s attempts to apply Moneyball principles to football since FSG’s purchase of Liverpool have been almost entirely unsuccessful. Stewart Downing is the obvious example. When Liverpool signed him, Damien Comolli, then Liverpool’s Director of Football, a firm believer in statistical analysis, and, interestingly, an associate of Beane’s, said, ‘We look thoroughly into data before signing players, as well as statistics, and we really think we are getting a big, big asset throughout. Maybe his [Downing’s] talent has been undervalued in English football.’

Ironically his statistics in the Premier League last season are among the most commonly known (and gleefully recited) in the average football enthusiast’s armoury: 0 goals, 0 assists. No fan needs Opta’s full data set to tell them that.

According to the team behind MCFC Analytics, at least a part of the reason for the past failure of performance analysis in football has been the cost of procuring the necessary data: whereas baseball’s statistics revolution was based on the work of amateur hobbyists such as Bill James, and is still fuelled by a thriving community of bloggers and researchers making use of freely-available data; football statistics enthusiasts have had to make do with the paltry post-game statistics made publicly available. Thus it is with the hope of empowering a community of scientifically minded football fans that Manchester City have collaborated with Opta to reverse this situation.

Whether or not the launch of this initiative truly heralds a new era for the use of statistics remains to be seen, and no doubt those who will hasten to suggest that football’s relatively fluid nature makes it far less amenable to analysis than an inherently structured game like baseball have a point.

But that is not to say that numbers have no place at all in the beautiful game: perhaps Comolli and Liverpool were simply looking at the wrong stats, or the right stats in the wrong way; perhaps their analysis was just too unsophisticated. But the fact that such a high-profile misjudgement was possible suggests that there is in fact plenty more to come from the field of performance analysis. Indeed, in baseball, the greatest success of the ‘sabermetricians’ was to identify the ‘right’ stats, and it is something along these lines that the MCFC Analytics team hopes it may be able to achieve.

Fanatic for fantasy football

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It’s inevitable. The Olympics are long over, you’re starting to run out of money and, with all the excitement of becoming a (college) parent, you’re becoming a bit college-sick and already kind of looking forward to the start of Michaelmas.

What better way to solve your end of summer blues though, a friend posts on your wall, than to join the fantasy football league he’s starting up. Why not, you think to yourself, after all, it is free and, secretly, you’ve always thought of yourself as a future ‘special one’ and dreamt of one day being successful enough to own a coat as long as Arsene Wenger’s.

You spend the first few minutes reminding yourself which teams are actually still in the Premier League, and desperately trying to remember who that great young talent you heard people rave about during Euro 2012 was.

All this whilst admitting to your friends that you don’t really know much about football, so this should be a bit of fun, and secretly poring over summer transfer news in search of someone to give you the edge. This is Oxford, there’s no such thing as non-competitive.

You fill in the registration form, honestly believing that you’ve got a decent chance of (a) winning this thing, (b) being able to maintain such a thorough review of player profiles and possession charts once term starts. Don’t be fooled. Yes, your team looks excellent on paper, despite the fact it comprises mainly of players who either top the value list or have recently appeared on a tabloid front page. However, not even the wittiest team name (stop chuckling, it’s not that funny) can save you from the football hipster who will invariably come to top your league.

As the first few rounds of games progress, you sit back and wait for your team to work their magic, before spending the final hours of each weekend sobbing into the sheepskin coat you’d bought in an attempt to add credibility to your managerial career. While you bemoan the low-points-scoring performances of Vidic, Kompany, Silva, Aguero et al., get ready to put up with the aforementioned hipster who is eager to remind you that he has watched Carl Jenkinson since he was captain of the Finnish U-19s, and has known of Michu’s goal-scoring prowess ever since his 14 second wonder goal against Madrid last September.

Having rarely suffered the ignominy of losing, you drastically turn to Guardian Football Weekly in the hope of learning whether Swansea and Everton will continue their good start, if Southampton’s Emmanuel Mayuka could be this season’s Papiss Cisse, and whether Cisse will be last season’s Fernando Torres. In all the excitement though, you forget that Rooney will be out for another few weeks and isn’t playing, so end up losing again.

By this point, you’ve forgotten mealtimes and have turned to your 10 year old cousin, who has twice taken Accrington Stanley to the Champions League Final on Football Manager, for advice on whether to stick with Patrice Evra and Gareth Bale or transfer them for Ryan Bertrand and Damien Duff. Throughout all of this, you keep telling yourself that “it’s all just a bit of fun” and “I’m better than them at real football anyway”. Then you realise it’s either this or your vacation reading list, and get ready for a fresh title assault in September.

Victoria’s Secret…..and mine

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Ok – I confess it. I’m an underwear fanatic. I recently realised the extent of my problem when I estimated my total lingerie expenditure over the course of my undergraduate degree. I won’t repeat the figure here in case anyone official concludes that the Oxford Opportunity Bursary is too generous. My sister’s horrified expression said it all. Determined to change then, it was only in the name of good journalism that I headed off to Bond Street, slightly bedraggled after a day of interning, on opening day at Victoria’s Secret flagship London store.

Disappointingly there was no sight of Victoria’s Secret ‘angels’ in the flesh – though Miranda et al. were omnipresent, strutting their stuff on catwalk shows displayed on monitors in the windows or covering the walls, legs literally two storeys high in the central atrium. Instead the shop was filled with beefy security guards, rushed sales assistants and flocks of excited teenage girls. Spread over four storeys arranged around a spiral staircase (black marble, mirrored banisters) the building resembles a nightclub, though display areas are well lit compared to Abercrombie or Hollister stores. The merchandise is bright, glitzy and christened with names such as ‘Gorgeous’, ‘Incredible’ or ‘Truly Perfect’. It was a lot to live up to, but I knew the proof of good underwear was in the fit so grabbed a style, assumed an air of general ignorance regarding bra sizing (annoyingly VS’s labels are all in American sizes) and placed myself entirely at the mercy of the staff.

It was soon clear that this was not to be a premium shopping experience. If you ask for a fitting an assistant pulls out a tape measure right there in the shop and measures up gingerly over layers of clothing without asking about the type of bra you’re already wearing. Used to the more hands on (and private) approach at Bravissimo I was slightly bemused, but still more so when the employee estimated my size not only three cup sizes different from the changing room assistant I dealt with later, but four cup sizes from the well-fitting bra I had on. Things only got worse. In the fitting rooms, I was told it wasn’t that the bra’s cups were too small, but that I had ‘too much tissue’. The cubicle doors declared ‘Very sexy!’ and ‘Stunning!’ with imperative force but I was starting to feel the opposite.

To be fair to the staff, however, after trying on an incredible range of sizes, it seems that Victoria’s Secret bras aren’t really designed to fit. The idea seems to be that the bra itself is filled mainly with gel and padding, so your breasts get squeezed together, vamping up the cleavage, and spill over the top of the £50 piece of polyester. This may work well on smaller sizes but seems a sure route to bouncing, back pain and the occasional ‘nip-slip’ on C cups and above (the store stocks up to DDD in some styles).

 I could have excused all this though had the designs been beautiful enough to merit being bought as occasion pieces – the sort of thing you wear on Valentine’s Day, not when picking up the groceries. But the whole thing just didn’t do it for me. Half the joy of underwear is in its structural qualities – feeling cinched, clamped and buckled up. Not only did the underwear fail to do this but it was all more 500 shades of pink, than 50 Shades of Grey. The combination of the cutesy with the claims to overt sexuality scrawled over the walls made me question the customer demographic. It sits more easily with the cast of TOWIE and Juicy Couture, than amongst the high end stores on Bond Street.  The bottom floor is designed for tweenage girls with too much pocket money, snapping up dance and lounge wear, along with ‘mesh back panties’ and neon bras (the ‘age-appropriate’ PINK range).

Victoria’s Secret isn’t about good clothes – it’s about good marketing. Calling a bra sexy doesn’t make it so, and the essence of feminine sensuality is not diamantes. The shop’s worth a visit to admire the catwalk pieces in display cases, but I think I’ll keep saving for Agent Provocateur.

 

Review: The Bourne Legacy

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If you haven’t seen the previous entries in the Bourne film series, don’t see The Bourne Legacy. If you have….

Well, don’t see The Bourne Legacy.

If you’re new to the franchise, well, suffice to say the film is pretty incomprehensible. Without a working knowledge of Treadstone et al, or at least an awareness of their existence, this film is a confusing mush of exposition and jargon. Even as a fan of the original series, I found it extremely hard to keep up, and newbies would find it hard to tell what was intended to be explained later in Legacy, and what we were assumed to know from previous films.

If you have seen the previous films, well, let’s just say that will negatively influence your opinion of Legacy .Unlike the frenetic earlier entries, this film takes a good half hour before a single frame of action occurs (save some mountain climbing), and seems full of missed opportunities. Once it does get underway, it’s a reasonably enjoyable romp, but nothing special; Taylor Lautner’s Abduction is more innovative. In particular, it’s depressing how these sort of films now seem obliged to include some kind of ‘par kour on corrugated rooftops’ sequence, even after it was so superbly parodied in Johnny English: Reborn.

As the film reaches its conclusion, the plot fizzles out; the super-bad amoral agent sent to attack our heroes is kicked off his bike by Rachel Weisz, denying the audience the super-assassin fistfight that would have been a great setpiece. So much is unresolved; Jeremy Renner never confronts (or even meets) Edward Norton’s antagonist, and the implied past between them is not expanded upon. Just as things seem to be approaching an exciting climax, the film ends without any cathartic release. Weisz and Renner have just outrun their CIA overlords for the time being, but seem to be treating it as a fun holiday. No doubt this is to leave plans open for a sequel, but it felt more like someone just got bored writing the script and went home. Can’t blame them, really.

So, to sum up; if you like the Bourne films, this is disappointing. If you don’t know them, it’s unforgiving. But that’s not to say that this film’s for nobody; I’m not that harsh. If you actively dislike the Bourne franchise, and wish to masochistically attack your own memories of it, then, well this is the film for you. Five stars.

For everybody else, though…

1 AND A HALF STARS

Review: Asylum of the Daleks

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I was pretty excited for this run of Doctor Who, I have to admit. I’ve been a big fan since it was rebooted in 2005, and though I’m not crazy about how the last couple of seasons have been spread out over the year, the promise of ‘blockbuster-style’ episodes promised an interesting and fresh new take on the Who format. My appetite whetted with the mini-episode preview that showed companions Amy and Rory in dire relationship straits, I tuned in with great anticipation.

And I was disappointed.

I should have seen some of this coming; I had been vaguely conscious of the fact that, despite the ‘blockbuster’ style of these episodes, they would still only be 45 minutes. Something would have to be lost in the crush of content, and unfortunately it was any semblance of buildup or development. The characters were shunted off onto their adventure without so much as a by-your-leave, and before you know it they were struggling to survive on a planet filled with insane Daleks. Amy and Rory’s estrangement was also dealt with in an unsatisfying, brusque fashion which undermined any emotional impact their separation might otherwise have had, ignoring the issues behind it. After such a long absence from our screens, the rushed exposition and plot leaps felt a little jarring, and once on the planet the admittedly cool premise wasn’t played around with too much. Promo images promised multiple generations of Daleks, but really there were just one or two of the recent copper-style with the same old schtick.

The inclusion of these ‘copper’ Daleks is itself a point of contention,; a couple of years ago, the series made a big deal, and a whole episode around remodelling the Daleks into larger, more colourful interpretations, to some derision from the viewers. This reaction seems to have had an effect, as for the most part the new design has been shelved, with no explanation. This may just be nerd rage, but it really bothers me; even outside of the Daleks, this episode was full of continuity problems, to the point where it detracted from the enjoyment of watching the show.

And then there was Oswyn.

It had been widely reported for the last few months that Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill were on their way out, with a new companion for Matt Smith’s Doctor arriving at Christmas in the form of Jenna-Louise Colman. Well, in an unexpected curveball from showrunner Steven Moffat, she’s here early; and is a Dalek. Cool, if not entirely unexpected twist; but my god if she wasn’t annoying, full of mind- gratingly ‘zingy’ back-and-forth with the Doctor. It’s a style that Alex Kingston’s River Song makes seem mysterious and sexy, but from Coleman just felt like a 15-year old flirting on Bebo. Here’s hoping she tones it down when her somehow un-dalekked self returns.

Maybe my expectations were a little too high, but this was, in my opinion, a rare miss-step from Steven Moffat on writing duties. There was still a lot to love- zombie Daleks, some fun playing around with catchphrases and game-changing events that will presumably have a big impact on the future – but really, I hope the rest of this series can deliver where this episode failed.

(Though the child in me finds it impossible to be cynical or unexcited about an episode called Dinosaurs on a Spaceship.)

2 STARS