Tuesday, April 29, 2025
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The American Tongue: Resurrected

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I’m usually not the type of person to walk into a room and hover on the sidelines of a mingling crowd, prepared to wait to be spoken to before engaging in conversation. Usually it’s the opposite; I feel more at ease after I go up to a friendly-looking face and strike up a discussion. Doing this makes social events where I don’t know any of the other attendees much more enjoyable. But ever since arriving at Oxford last year, I’ve felt the urge to rein in that habit a little, primarily for one reason – the minute I open my mouth, I’m going to be marked as an “other”. My lack of a British accent will betray me, as I introduce myself in my native American tongue.

Most students at Oxford would be quick to say that they don’t view international students any differently than their compatriots, that it’s ridiculous to feel like I’ve got something to hide. And in theory, they’re right – most of my best friends at Oxford are other British undergraduates, and aside from the occasional friendly snicker or two when I pronounce something the American way, we’ve managed to get past most of our linguistic differences after more than a year together. However, most new people I meet, no matter how subconsciously they do it, instantly project a generic image of Americanism onto me before I’ve said anything about myself other than my name.

Inevitably, on discovering that I hail from across the pond, I will be asked several questions in rapid succession, which although they may vary slightly in wording, never fail to stray from a few key points. First, I will be asked where in America I am from; I will then say Connecticut, a town about an hour from Manhattan, where I was born.

Subsequently, I will either be asked where Connecticut is (if the person I’m speaking to did not hear the second bit – everyone seems to know where New York City is) or, my new acquaintance will begin to gush about someone they know who lives in New York and ask whether I know them. The answer is, for future reference, most likely no; the same goes for those who say they have friends or family in Arizona or North Carolina; chances are, I have not been to that town or met anyone from that school, unless the town is in New England or the school is in New York.

Then, of course, I will be asked where I’m studying abroad from, since the vast majority of Americans engaged in undergraduate study are of course students at universities in the United States taking a year abroad. I’m still surprised at the disbelief which sometimes flashes across someone’s face when I explain that I am a “real” student, reading for a degree in history at an “actual” college (and I’m not making exceptions for Americans here who are studying abroad, either – they’re often the most disbelieving of all!)

By this time, several words will have been exchanged, and my new acquaintance will invariably comment on the fact that my accent does not sound like a “typical American” accent. No, it does not; I am from a state where residents posses neither southern twangs nor nasal outer-borough screeches, no hint of Boston or the Rocky Mountains or California discernible in my voice. In my nation, a place Winston Churchill termed “this great novel land of yours which sticks up out of the Atlantic,” there are many accents, and many voices, and mine is distinct only in its failure to fulfil any stereotype.

But I’m perfectly content with the tone of my American tongue. In fact, though reflex may hint otherwise, I don’t really feel the need to hide anything. After all, once the initial onslaught of familiar questions is past, I’m treated just like everyone else – until the discussion turns to American politics, that is. And when that happens, I can’t guarantee anything.

I ain’t saying he’s a golddigger

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“Cash Rules Everything Around Me” – so goes the chorus of Wu-Tang Clan’s ‘C.R.E.A.M.’. In hip hop more than in any other genre, the accumulation of wealth is held up as a barometer of success. Hence bling, the hackneyed rags-to-riches rap, references to Cadillac and Rolex. So when the credit crunches, how do rappers react? Do they try to keep up appearances, or do they reverse the barometer and esteem poverty? Does their music change, and are their sales affected?

The 2009 Grammy Awards ceremony was an interesting parade of celebrity restraint and austerity – a rarity for an event that normally deals in glitz and prosperity. Lil Wayne, who only the previous year had been bragging about being “a young money millionaire”, turned up in a t-shirt and modest necklace that belied his claim; few rappers donned more than a sleek suit.

The ceremony testified to one of the most salient symptoms of hip hop’s economic malaise: a downturn in the bling trend. Gold ostentation hasn’t been so unpopular since Slick Rick and his peers first popularized it in the late eighties. And the impact of the recession on rappers’ images doesn’t stop there: 50 Cent’s recent dramatic weight loss, for example, is doubtless the outcome of economic (as well as nutritional) deficiency. As renowned hip hop stylist Tamara Connor puts it, “conspicuous consumption in the industry is gone”.

For rappers aren’t getting paid like they used to. In the fiscal year 2008-9, hip hop sales dropped by over 20% – more than any genre bar classical, country and Latin. Top rappers might once have made $80,000 from one track; now they’d be lucky to get half that. Factors such as the advent of file sharing are also to blame for these figures. But it’s obvious that hip hop, unlike cinemas and Starbucks, isn’t enjoying a perverse boom as a recession-era “comfort product”. Rappers’ entrepreneurial zeal – itself an offshoot of the “rap as business” mentality – has suffered in these circumstances: this year, Wyclef Jean lost his Malibu mansion, P Diddy his private jet, and Jay-Z both his nightclub and his hotel venture.

However, there is as yet little evidence of a widespread response to the crunch from hip hop music itself. Some artists are implicitly denying the climate of poverty – see for example Kanye West’s high-budget, self-aggrandizing video for ‘Power’. Others are explicitly resisting it – in their single ‘Kinda Like A Big Deal’, Virginia duo Clipse brag that “it’s a blessing to blow a hundred thousand dollars in a recession”. The notion that wealth in the recession era is all the more impressive can be termed the “recession-proof ideal”. Meanwhile, hip hop radio, and artists like Dizzee Rascal, continue to drift towards the mainstream. This could be seen as a calculated survival measure: in desperate times, artists and companies alike resort to safe money-spinners.
Yet it would be premature to ascribe this kind of commercialization to the credit crunch and leave it at that. We can’t discount the dynamics of the record industry, the whims of the underground hip hop scenes, and the abovementioned problem of file sharing. And it’s certainly too early to speak of a genre of “recession-era hip hop” – or “credit crunk” – as we do of, say, “literature of the Great Depression”.

But changes in hip hop culture entail changes in the music. It’s been a while since poverty was a fashionable topic in hip hop. In its early days, the genre concerned itself with Reagan’s tough fiscal policies, and the social cleavages caused by the crack epidemic; but from Clinton onwards, the economy was kind to the industry. Now we’re coming close to full circle: Young Jeezy’s prophetic 2008 album The Recession advocated a return to simplicity, and the hip hop world apparently agrees. The credit crunch could have led to the cultivation of the “recession-proof ideal” – of bling and ostentation as escapism – but evidence suggests that hip hop’s going the other way.

In due course, rappers will invert Notorious BIG’s maxim “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems”, and come to count the straitened economic climate as a blessing.

Hidden Horror

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Audition (1999)

Director: Takashi Miike

Truly graphic and truly gruesome, but not in a ‘Cabin Fever’ kind of way It’s a slow build up, utterly devoid of blood, until the last gruesome show down. Audition concerns widower Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi), who 7 years after his wife’s death, is still alone with his son. He auditions for, essentially, a wife. His favourite, obviously, turns out to be a nutter. Cue a creepy build up until you’re allowed to really hide behind your sofa.

Possession (1981)

Director: Andrzej Zuławski.

Another cult movie that is part drama, part horror, part thriller. A young woman leaves her family in suspicious circumstances. The husband, determined to find out the truth, starts following her. At first, he suspects that a man is involved. But bizarre incidents indicate something more. Essentially, it unleashes the crazy and pretty soon they’re cutting themselves with electric knives, running through the streets covered in blood, disposing of bodies and generally being all freaky.

Cronos (1993)

Director: Gillermo del Toro

The best Mexican parasitic vampire film. An antiques dealer discovers a strange gilded beetle, which houses an immortal parasite which grants eternal life to its host. Obviously, there is a terrible price for this ‘gift’, which Gris is doomed to discover after the object anchors itself to his body. Creepiest scene? When a murdered Gris resurrects, to discover his mouth has been sewn up. Ew.

Let The Right One In

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This was a mistake. Sitting in All Soul’s College, an insistently blank stack of paper in front me, coupled with an insistent list of questions. Can music be immoral? Are the Americans the Romans of the modern world? What is the relationship between science and literature?

Rewind to this morning: I put on my gown but sub fusc wasn’t required. I arrived at All Soul’s; everyone is in gowns. And sub fusc. Maybe they feel that wearing sub fusc in exams helps the circulation of blood to the brain. But I’ve never taken an exam at Oxford. This was a mistake.

Let me be blunt: the ridiculous fact is I had never heard of The All Souls’ Exam. When I got a forwarded email titled ‘All Souls College Open Evening For Women’ with the text saying things like ‘We are concerned that relatively few women choose to sit the exam’, I thought, ‘It’s just an exam, what’s the big deal?’ I’m not English, so I didn’t grow up steeped in mystique about what lies behind the gates of All Souls’ College. And I’m not European, so my fees are something that makes me want to sell my love of learning to the highest bidder. So, in brief, I’m doing it for the money: I’m so tired of filling out damned funding applications, sitting a twelve hour exam seemed less of a hassle than trying to estimate my non-existent yearly income. Ultimately, my ignorance of what this exam actually is has led me, gowned, into the exam room.

The invigilator flaps in, in his scholar’s gown. He sat the exam a few years back. He is jovial. He struggles over reading the directions. A kindly administrator in a green suit helps him: ‘If there is a fire, leave your belongings’.

The only belongings we were instructed to bring were a BLACK NOT BLUE pen, a gown, and intellectual self-reflexivity. I have the pen and the gown. The invigilator leaves with the administrator. We are alone. We are the presumptuous ninety-odd sitters of the All Souls’ Fellowship Exam. I was not recommended to take this exam. I did not find out that one could be recommended until after the first paper. Maybe everyone sitting around me has been recommended.

There is a diverse cast of characters here. There are the recent undergraduates, who have a post at Prestigious Investment Bank in London waiting for them. They are sitting the exam in a final gesture of farewell to their academic selves. They wear navy, pinstriped suits, chat relaxedly and shake hands with one another. They were recommended by a college tutor to take the exam. They were flattered, already had their six-figure future lined up, but are sitting it for a story for their co-workers.

There is the herd of graduate students, varying in their levels of desperation. They wear thick-framed, intellectual but trying to be hip, glasses. They go around politely introducing themselves to people, inquiring about your coursework, your housing, your research. If they are studying humanities, they laugh about being self-funded and secretly hope for a miracle. If they are scientists, they are puffed up with false confidence that they do know as much about philosophy as the philosophy post-grads. But they secretly wonder if it reflects badly on them that they couldn’t get funding, even as scientists.

There are flocks of bashful girls who read English; they wear floral prints and trench coats. They all have familiar faces but you can never remember their names.

Then there are the non-native English speakers, quietly wondering if anyone from not England/America/Australia, has won this thing. They don’t really want to know.

Still staring at the list of questions: Does it matter if national identities wither away? Can charity be selfish? What separates literature from other forms of writing? I get up to pour myself some water. They have bottles of still and sparkling water, with the All Souls’ crest imprinted on them Will sparkling water help the circulation of blood to my brain? I sit down. I catch the glance of another sitter. She looks away. Someone else is staring out the window, head in hands. Some people have taken off their gowns and rolled up their white sleeves. They are writing furiously. I pick up my pen.

At ten ’til the hour, the invigilator waltzes in again. I supposed you can afford to waltz when you are guaranteed about twenty-thousand pounds for seven years for doing…I’m not sure what. If you get this thing, what happens? You move into All Soul’s College. You dine in Hall with all the other Fellows. Maybe you feel like an imposter. You wear your black gown and have a Scout empty your waste bin until you are thirty. You revel in your brilliance only briefly, and spend the rest of the time reveling in everyone else’s brilliance. But you get money, for seven years. You are living the academic dream, being paid to think. And to just be.

It doesn’t really matter what the All Souls’ Fellowship is exactly. It’s the All Souls’ Fellowship. If you find yourself sitting in All Souls’ College wondering about the morality of music, you are one of the few people in the world who has an undergraduate degree and has matriculated at Oxford. You might be smart. It would be a good idea to be. But you might not. You might have decided to take this thing on a whim, on a bet, on a dare. They told everyone that when you take the exam you should assume you could never get it. Assume it is Everest and that you are not Sir Edmund Hilary. One or two of the people assuming that will be surprised and will get the Prize. But the rest of us will have assumed rightly.

Afterwards, your friends will be flabbergasted that you even sat the thing in the first place. They’ll ask you lots of questions. You’ll debate what to say. It was horrible? It was the hardest thing ever? Or, perhaps, it was kind of fun? With no marks, jobs or future riding on this thing, you are asked to answer the question Can music be immoral with no strings attached. You take out your intellectual self-reflexivity and spend six hours thinking about music. Morality. Wagner comes to mind but you think Wagner is boring. So instead, you write about that neo-fascist band your ex showed you, or that radio programme about fist fights breaking out in classical music concerts or that speaker at your college who talked about the music of plastic surgery. You write something down. You submit. You take off your gown. You secretly think it was okay but you say it was hard and exhausting so no one expects too much from you. Afterwards, you walk through the All Souls quad and hear someone say, ‘I wrote about how Wagner is banned in Israel, you know, because of the Holocaust’. Maybe I should have written about Wagner. Or maybe intellectual self-reflexivity comes in many forms. The Fellows of All Souls will have to decide.

Should you go see Saw?

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Just in time for Halloween, Saw 3D is hitting our screens. For supposedly (hopefully) the last instalment of the Saw saga, director Kevin Kreutert brings us what promises to be a goretastic Halloween treat.

If you were left frustrated at the incomplete nature of the first six films, by popular public request the film’s production team spend the ninety minutes of running time of Saw 3D tying up any loose ends. The main story line for the film is set around an urban shopping area where a crowd of people gather around a storefront window to find two men, Ryan and Brad, tied to a worktable, each with a saw in front of them and their lover, Dina, suspended above. As she is being lowered onto another saw, each of the men must choose to either kill the other in order to save her, or allow her to die, resulting in their freedom. Meanwhile, survivors from Jigsaw’s previous traps gather to seek the support of self-help guru and fellow survivor Bobby Dagen.

And if the promise of a expertly shot ‘saw-off’ doesn’t appeal to you, perhaps the prospect of a cameo from a mediocre celebrity? Linkin Park fans the world over will be queuing up to see their main man, Chester Bennington, take up his minor role in the film (some might use the word ‘extra’). On interview, Chester confessed, “It was actually a little more difficult than I expected because it took a lot for me to figure out how to portray this guy and what exactly his motives were going to be throughout. I thought maybe I was overthinking it, and I met with this really great acting coach who helped me walk through and make sense of the ‘motivation’…..”
It will be interesting to see how 3D imaging works for Saw: whether it serves to exaggerate or lessen the thrill. Much of the $17 million budget (the film was the most expensive Saw film yet) went on special camera equipment and 3D compatible props. One of the film’s producers, Marcus Dunstan, commented, “[3D] adds a whole new layer of discipline and criteria to creating these moments. Before, we had a very flat surface to try to get a reaction from [the audience]. Now, we get to push out a bit and envelop the viewer’. He later added that another reason for going 3D was ‘so that you can, per se, see blood coming directly at you’. Brilliant.

Psychological Warfare

The Proposition

The technique of ‘found footage’ is far from a novelty in horror cinema. Long before The Blair Witch Project (1999), audiences were being terrified by Cannibal Holocaust (1980), a film so dedicated to its premise of being factual that the director was arrested on suspicion of having killed his actors. But that was thirty years ago, and audiences have since become far savvier about exactly what is real. With this in mind, it is impressive that with 2009’s Paranormal Activity, director Oren Peli managed at least to raise the possibility that what the audience was seeing might be genuine. However, with this hurried and repetitious sequel, the minds behind Paranormal Activity 2 seem to have done their utmost to dispel any lingering sense of terror.

The plot centres on the Rey family, whose step-mother, Kristie, is the sister of Katie from the original. It opens with the parents bringing their new baby, Hunter, back from the hospital, and it is at this point that things take a turn for the spooky. Yet from the very first night in the house – helpfully signposted as ‘Night 1’ – events take a predictable and increasingly boring turn. An indispensible weapon in the arsenal of any great horror film is the gradual build-up of tension, as well as strongly established location and characters, yet here, the cameras manage to establish the physical layout and nothing more. It is a bland location utterly lacking any discernable identity, a far cry from the iconic house of The Amityville Horror (1979). Worse still, the characters themselves lack any depth whatsoever, instead being reduced to stereotypes that fail to elicit any sympathy from the audience.

Even without depth or strong characterisation, it is still possible to make an effectively frightening horror film, but this possibility seems to have escaped director Tod Williams. The first half hour seems to gesture towards developing the characters and building tension, but it achieves neither, instead eliciting only boredom from the audience.

Yet even once the film gets going, things hardly improve; each scare is reduced to a loud noise intended to make the audience jump, a cheap and utterly superficial tactic. It also swiftly becomes dull – once you’ve seen a door slam several times, it quickly begins to lose its ominous significance. The gradual development of the spooky goings-on in the house is also achingly predictable, getting bigger and, inevitably, less effective as the film develops; they progress from the familiar creepiness of vague noises to a laughable repetition of the first film, with a woman being dragged around the house by an invisible force.

Much of the first film’s strength lay in its coherent execution of the ‘found footage’ technique, yet here, as Williams strains to maintain a sense of realism – who records their banal phone conversations and most intimate moments and arguments with a camcorder? – it becomes clear that Paranormal Activity 2 is a monotonous failure on almost every level. It is a witless, hurried and painfully predictable mess, and worth avoiding at all costs.

Ben Kirby

The Opposition

Ben is right. The technique of ‘found footage’ is far from original. It is, however, far from an exhausted genre. While CGI slowly overmasters virtual blood and guts, the simple hand-held camera approach refreshes the thriller film industry. More importantly, though, this style of ‘back to basics’ filmmaking can be far cleverer than any technology could ever be.

The film’s director, Tod Williams, is acutely aware of how to exploit an audience’s potential sensitivities: the cinematic equivalent of rocket-science. Paranormal Activity 2 does just this. The phenomena in the film take place largely at night, tapping into one’s most vulnerable state of being asleep.

The film is based on extensive research into paranormal phenomena and demonology, concluding that ‘demons’ are perceived as the most malevolent and violent entities. The actors themselves are not given a script, instead just the basic outline of the story – a process known as ‘retroscripting’. Their performances are, as a result, raw reactions to the scenes set up by the director: Williams had rightly observed that genuine fear is something that cannot be scripted.

In terms of the characters, they deliver: the audience is lulled into tentative comfort by Hunter’s warm baby gurgles and Kristie’s soft temperament. The audience’s heavy investment in the characters is abused night after night as the strange goings-on unnerve and terrorise them.

As Kirby astutely observes, Williams dedicates an hour of reel to atmospheric build up, creating an almost nauseating tension. The low and persistent buzzing of the camera is very quickly associated with impending, inescapable fear. The documentation of their experience through the use of ‘Night #1’, and so on, intensifies the unbearable anticipation of the inevitable: a count-down, if you will.
Even the harrowing ending is slow-paced, drawn out and overwrought: a comforting sign that Williams resisted the popular temptation of taking ‘gore’ and running with it. Paranormal Activity is clever, structured, meticulously timed and, without a lurking shadow of a doubt, bloody scary.

Evie Deavall

Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Ralf?

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For a play performed on a badminton court, this production boasts some serious firepower. Conceived in the fertile theatrical breeding-grounds of St Catz, The Graduate brings a cast of established actors and outstanding debutantes to one of the most artfully awkward scripts in cinema. Add a live soundtrack from Oxford indie band Spring Offensive and a publicity campaign managed by media juggernaut Marta Szczerba, and you have a potent mixture on your hands. A mixture that might just blow up in your face.

Luckily, most of the explosive force is directed at the audience. Directors David Ralf and Holly Harris have borrowed extensively from the 1967 film, and as a result this play brings much of the tension of the original to the stage. The script may have been ‘silently modernised,’ as the directors put it, but the plot and the feel are still very much of the sixties.

Benjamin is an immaculately accomplished student who returns home for the summer after graduating. He finds himself catatonic with boredom. Surrounded by braying models of the American Dream – ‘let me say just one word to you, Ben my boy… plastics’ – he struggles against his own all-American heroism and rebels without purpose, without energy, and without direction.

He is easy meat for Mrs Robinson, the lithe cougar wife of a friend of his father’s, and the two embark on what might just be the most infamously graceless affair in cinematic history. ‘You are the most attractive of all my parents’ friends. You are more than adequately desirable,’ etc. Things get more complicated. Benjamin is compelled to date Mrs Robinson’s daughter Elaine, and in spite of a false start in a strip joint they hit it off. Cue the inevitable round of discoveries, and then a wildly unpredictable race across America.
This production delights in subverting your expectations. Ralf has mastered the art of making it very clear that a cringe moment is approaching, and then delaying and delaying it until you’ve ground away what little remains of your tooth enamel. Benjamin is played with a wild charisma by Jeremy Neumark Jones, who adds an assertiveness that was missing in the film.

Opposite him, Erica Conway shines on her Oxford debut as a very British Mrs Robinson, in spite of the comedy Californian twang. Understated and distrait, she manages to give the impression that she is completely in control although her mind might be temporarily absent somewhere out beyond the asteroid belt. She doesn’t quite own the space as much as she might, but her character is both inscrutable and utterly convincing.

The rest of the cast are drawn in bold stereotypes. Felix Legge plays Mrs Robinson’s avuncular husband to a tee, while Rebecca Adams makes her Elaine even more girlish than the Elaine of the film. There are no real weak links here. The production puts its limited space to good use, although it is more than a little disconcerting to see the inactive actors flopping vacantly against the walls like discarded puppets. Dare I say this feels pointless?
But while you can fight this play’s charm – and plenty will – you won’t win. Just lie back and let this slick production seduce you. Enjoy the ride.

Cyrano Right on the Nose

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In tackling Edmond Rostand’s iconic play, first staged in 1897, SF Productions have pulled out all of the stops in sprucing up Cyrano ‘that old chestnut’ De Bergerac in their dynamic and engaging adaptation, jazzing up the original script with Derek Mahon’s 2004 translation. Five actors tackle a staggering sixty roles, chopping and changing between aged peasant, self-parodic thesp, love interest and villain faster than you can say Jack Robinson. The versatility of the talented cast is thoroughly watchable, and just as well too – don’t take your eyes off of the stage for one moment, and keep your wits about you as an audience member… You snooze, you lose the plot in this dizzyingly fast-paced production.

Wisely sticking close to the wonderful original story, the choice of modern day vernacular lingo revitalises the bubbling humour central to Cyrano’s success, with a classy touch of twentieth century va va voom. The comedy of the play is enhanced by some slick and inventive choreography directed by Sarah Perry: the cast embrace the chance to stretch their physicality claws, slipping from atmospheric tableau in choral synchronicity to humorous routines with glee.

As the frenetic energy of multi-characterised, busy scenes can begin to grate, however, nuanced and emotionally honest performances, in particular from Joe Eyre as Cyrano and Anna Maguire as Ragueneau, are well-placed and well delivered. Eyre’s Cyrano blends a cheeky humour with emotional poignancy, physicalised with stage-filling enthusiasm.

Playing with the idea of ‘an obvious theatricality, and a reality created through pretence and play’, the simple design lays the burden of generating the sparkle squarely on the shoulders of the cast, as they engage only with the most evocative and symbolic of props. The simple costume seeks to distinguish the parade of make-believe characters who people world of the play as separate from the five principal characters, humanized and emotionally-driven.

Staged in the intimate Burton Taylor studio, the audience may well be overwhelmed by the density and flamboyance of Cyrano De Bergerac: one feels very much a spectator, and in need of a little more connection and inclusion, especially in the quieter scenes of emotional potency, to really enjoy the show. The promise of a sombre second half will, one hopes, balance well with the frivolities of the first.

With the stellar structure of a favourite story though, a confident cast and a thoroughly thought-out agenda of metatheatre mingled with irreverent fun, I don’t have a doubt that Cyrano De Bergerac knose perfectly well, and rightly so, that it’s worth far more than a scratch.

The ups and downs of sport this term

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Promotion Push

Monday Night Rugby

Nothing guarantees attendance at an event like value for money, which explains why Iffley Road saw an almost packed house for the game with Wasps last week. As the Aviva Premiership grinds on with an at times crushing monotony – two matches last weekend were decided solely by penalty kicks at goal – Blues games on Mondays are a free-flowing, high-scoring spectacle with £1 drinks thrown in for good measure. What’s not to love?

Merton/Mansfield

If the best things come in small packages, nowhere has this been truer than on Oxford’s football fields these first two weeks of the season. Carrying on their run of form from last year, Merton/Mansfield – not exactly two colleges that would spring to mind if you were asked for sporting powerhouses – are top of the league after winning their first two matches. A thumping 3 – 0 win over Teddy Hall in first week was followed up by an equally emphatic victory over Hugh’s this, making them an early contender for the title.

Relegation Dogfight

Walking

One of the common facts that are banded about around Oxford is that you can get from St John’s College, Oxford to its namesake in Cambridge only walking on land owned by the two colleges. If this is true then presumably their Oxford sports ground marks the halfway point where above-averagely enthusiastic testers of Oxbridge legends can have a break before continuing their journey. I don’t care if it has under-floor heating, why is it so bloody far away?

The Blues

A thumping loss to Wasps at rugby, a defeat by Brookes in a football friendly, and the most undergraduates ever selected for the OUBC squad with only one returning Blue. It hasn’t been a great start to the season for the elite of Oxford sport. Meanwhile in Cambridge their Blues also lost to London Irish. However this was only by 12 points, and against a team that contained occasional England Fly-half Shane Geraghty. Their boat club – whilst also having a healthy dash of undergraduate talent – has four returning Blues and a medallist from the under 23 world championships. Obviously this doesn’t take into account the fact that Cambridge are our natural inferiors, but still, I’m getting a bit worried. I only like playing up to the idea of the Varsity grudge when we win.

From the player’s mouth

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JCR Women’s Football Fourth Division

 

New Women 16

 

Somerville Women’s II 0

 

Last Sunday saw the first appearance of the season for the much-heralded Somerville Women’s 2nd XI football team. As the only ladies second team to grace the football league they had high hopes following their intensive pre-season tour at the new Park End site  and its surrounding alleyways. Unfortunately, these hopes were dashed even before the first whistle was blown; as players and fans alike received the devastating news that the team’s star striker had been withdrawn due to a recent groin strain.

 

Let us return to the plush pastures of the New College Sports grounds as the scene went from bad to worse against New College 1st XI, revealing what can only be described as a blatant breach of Fourth Division regulations: an aesthetically pleasing hunk of a referee. The extensive training program of the Somerville ladies had not prepared for this sort of vindictive game plan and the bewildered stars were left shocked and distracted. Unfairly disadvantaged, five goals slid past the normally solid Somerville back four within the first three minutes of play.

 

Any optimism that the brave ladies had managed to hold on to ebbed away early in the first half when the team’s only player to have previously witnessed a football game (Lucy Dubberley) caught the elbow of New College’s Vinnie Jones and was forced to go off with a suspected broken nose. Despite the unconcealed nature of the sadistic offence, the referee resolutely refused to award a free kick. From this point onwards the game was tainted by referee bias, culminating in his indifference when faced with what one onlooker described as ‘the most blatant penalty I think I’ve ever seen in second-tier ladies’ college football.’

 

Somerville continued to battle hard in the second-half, entering New College’s half on at least one occasion. The final score-line of 0-16 certainly does not do justice to the fitness and skill of the Somerville ladies 2nd XI.

 

Rachel Boakes

 

JCR Football Premier Division

 

Wadham 2

 

St Catz 4

 

Wadham were back in action this week looking to build on a solid performance from the 1-1 draw at Christchurch. St Catz were searching for their first league points after humbling defeats to a blues strengthened Worcester and more surprisingly to a weak Christchurch. Wadham went one up in the first minute thanks to a mercurial strike from skipper Mike ‘Lego’ Edwards. Wadham pressed hard for the first 30 minutes and were rewarded when Tim Poole carefully placed his 20 yard strike onto the St Catz defender’s heel to skilfully wrong-foot the keeper. Catz clawed one back before the break as Chris Lyle scythed down the St Catz winger for a stonewall penalty, Carl Assmundson stepped up to score but not before John ‘Cowboy’ Jenkins got a firm hand to it. Lyle was rewarded for his hard work with a taxi to A&E after some deft knifework from the St Catz striker, although it might have looked more like a painful head collision to the untrained eye. This was the second time Chris has needed stitches in his forehead in three appearances. St Catz turned up after the break and seemed to actually be pretty good,with striker John Langton threatening. The equaliser came from a soft-free kick headed in by an unmarked Chris Rees. Wadham battled on and special mention goes to the centre-back fresher pairing of Josh Vivian and Anthony Ojukwu who put in some full-blooded tackles which were given, in my opinion wrongly, as fouls by referee John Lowe. Catz won the game thanks to a brace from Chris Lambert, and probably deservingly took home the three points.

 

Michael Edwards

 

JCR Football Football Premier Division

 

Christ Church 0

 

Teddy Hall 3

 

Teddy Hall earned an impressive victory at champions Christ Church, a win that gives them 6 points from an opening 9. The House might be the home of last year’s trophy, but this Christ Church team was much depleted from the side that so dramatically stole a league-clinching 92nd minute goal (incidentally against Teddy Hall) on the final day of the 2009/2010 season.

 

Teddy Hall began their season with high hopes of success in the league and cup, but were surprisingly (and comfortably) beaten on the opening day by an impressive Merton/Mansfield side. They have since impressively beaten Worcester and arrived at Christ Chuch sports ground hoping to continue their revival.

 

0-0 at half-time, the game was balanced and scrappy, neither college asserting themselves on a strangely hot, sapping October afternoon. Set-pieces were the difference; Teddy Hall scored three times from corners, directly or indirectly, surprising the champs with their ability and efficiency in the air. Goals on 60 minutes, 70 minutes, and 80 minutes sealed a comfortable finish for the elated visitors, as shocked as anyone at the ease with which they coasted the final half-hour. This was, without doubt, a significant result, one that suggests another wide-open year in the Premier Division.

 

Inevitably for such a successful side, the Blues have come calling for the stars of Christ Church’s show, and the club must now adapt to the loss of some key playmakers. ChCh and Teddy Hall are the top flight’s last two victors, and bouts between them are always heavyweight encounters. This one, though, was a deserved scalp for Teddy, an intrepid team who will cause some more upsets yet. To build a powerhouse in college sport is a great challenge: ask Worcester, a previous football dynasty who’ve just spent a season mired in the First Division. Graduations and injuries are hazardous in equal measure, and windows of real opportunity can slam shut in a matter of weeks. Teddy want to prise theirs open, where Christ Church must improve if they wish to extend their period in the sun.

 

Scott Mody