Oxford slang can be confusing at first, and may seem at times to venture into the realms of Clockwork Orange – you’ll check your ‘pidge’ in the ‘plodge’, and will sign ‘up’ and ‘down’ at the start and end of term.

So here’s the second part of Cherwell’s invaluable guide to the ins and outs of the unique Oxford dialect – this time from H all the way through to P.

Hilary

This is Oxford’s middle term and is generally stress-free. No worries about starting a new year, no exams. Oh, unless you do Classics or Psychology- BUM OUT. Everyone else- have a ball. And remember to visit your less fortunate friends in the library.

Hall

Often the home of suspicious food and chat. Hall is the opportunity to eat anything and talk to anyone, which can be delightful or disastrous. Awkward conversation accompanied by lentils is never a winner. But hall can be great- curry nights, burgers- and all for a fairly decent price. And formal hall is a real Oxford classic; get your gowns on for three courses at very competitive pricing. Always a good pre-lash, and with guest tickets available you can get your out-of-college friends over, or head over to their necks of the wood. Heads up: Trinity’s food is considered the icing on the proverbial cake, so get a friend to invite you along.

Initiations

The messier the better, is clearly the mantra of many sports teams and drinking societies in this department. Basically a chance to humiliate new arrivals with a series of ridiculous tasks and games. In boys’ societies this usually ends up with huge amounts of vom or passing out, or both, and with girls it probably will culminate in a game of ‘I have never’- OMG, so hardcore.

Jericho

One of the most expensive areas in Oxford, Jericho offers some pretty fancy student accommodation and thus has gained its reputation as the posh side of town. It boasts some great and more unusual restaurants than your average Pizza Express, such as Branca or Pierre Victoire, so give those a go if you’re feeling flashy. For a more sophisticated pre-lash there’s Raouls, a classy cocktail bar, and a great venue for a drinks party or get-together.

JCR

Standing for Junior Common Room, the JCR is a place where all under-grads can hang out. Usually containing comfy sofas, TVs, video consoles and pool tables, it draws in many a visitor, so if you’re stuck in Freshers’ week, I’d say heading there is a safe bet to find people. The JCR also has a committee- a student body that is elected by the students of the college to act on their behalf. Hustings (the occasion when candidates makes their speeches and take questions) are always amusing so don’t miss them- with questions ranging from the banal to the ridiculous, “Can you give an interpretative dance on why we should pick you?”, it’s like the X-factor gone wrong.

Jamals

Scene of many a crew date crime, Jamals is an Indian restaurant in Jericho and the obvious location for 20 or so lairy boys and girls to get ‘lashed’. Curry and a ‘bring your own’ alcohol policy make a heady combination, and many have been known to leave a little worse for wear (passed out/ paralytic/ chunder-covered) from this most respectable establishment.

Jagerbombs

If you’re buying a round in Oxford, a constant crowd pleaser is the Jagerbomb. Much tastier than a shot, but easier to down than a whole drink- you can be sure to return to the dance floor in seconds. And boys can look manly too in the ‘down in one’ stakes… so everyone’s a winner.

Kukui

Tuesday night, Friday night… Yes, this favourite is frequented by many twice a week. It’s got some sort of faux-Hawaiian theme going on, can have hour long queues, and has only one main dance floor, but embrace it. The antithesis to edginess, Kukui is cringe, but classic.

Kebab Vans

Every college has their favourite; whether it’s Hassan’s or Mehdi’s that floats your boat, most offer the same menu involving pitta and meat or chips and cheese. Sure, they’re not the healthiest choice, but there’s no better way to get rid of those drunken munchies. Just try not to get them for every dinner… And anyway, if you’re a health-fiend there’s always the Organic Burger Van by St Johns, which is so high-class, it barely scrapes into this kebab category.

LGBT

Standing for ‘Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender’, most colleges have a representative for those within this group who perhaps need support or advice. This gives the opportunity to talk to another student in confidentiality, in a non-pressurised environment, who really understands what you might be going through. Plus Wadham is known for holding outrageous LGBT bops (see above for definition of bops) which are notorious throughout the whole Uni. Everyone wants to attend this event for the chance to dress up in drag or Diva it up- it’s one of the best and lairiest fancy-dress opportunities around.

Library

College libraries impose varying degrees of discipline; all I’ll say is I’ve definitely seen someone eat a Chinese take away in ours. In Trinity term the library becomes the place to be- eat, work, sleep, socialise- you name it, the library’s doing it. Although try to avoid sleeping there if possible as being caught napping in the aisle/ under your desk is always awkward. For a more controlled atmosphere hit up the University libraries- The Bod (mentioned previously), The Rad Cam, and The SSL, are just a few delightful examples.

Lectures

9 o’clock lectures are officially the bane of everyone’s life, especially after a night out. Last night’s make-up, pale faces, I’ve even seen someone in a poorly adapted version of black tie (he had removed his bowtie) – an impressive devotion to the cause of learning. Lectures are essential for science students, and you’ll be sure to hear them whinging about this, but are sometimes taken as a liberal discipline for the Arts students who can be known to make sporadic appearances.

Michaelmas

Winter term in oxford language. Michaelmas always starts in the revelling of Freshers week (which only gets funner year on year) and ends in invariable grumbling about the cold (oxford is in a countryside dip resulting in chills dontcha know?), culminating in Christmas being celebrated offensively early, so dig out your festive attire by November 1st at the latest.

Matriculation

The ceremony (at the end of 1st week in Michaelmas) whereby you are officially enrolled as an Oxford student. Involves standing around in the Sheldonian theatre for approximately 15 minutes whilst some Latin is barked at you, and tourists stand perplexed trying to work out why you are wearing gowns, and look like some kind of over-keen waitress. Strongly recommended is the celebrations at the turf – where everyone heads for a cheeky celebration drink (or two).

Mortarboards

Fairly pointless, flat boarded black caps with a tassel on top that are worn at matriculation (see above)and for exams. I use the word “worn” rather loosely – its bad luck to put them on your head before you graduate so the only option is to awkwardly carry them around.

May Day

An oxford tradition (crazy party goers that we are) to stay up all night in order to watch the singers of Magdalen College School sing at the top of the bell-tower at 6am. Whilst the singing itself might be a bit of an anti-climax, the night preceding is great fun and be sure to have breakfast as every one of oxford’s pubs opens its doors in the early hours so that the party can be continued. Hardcore.

OUSU

Stands for the Oxford University Student Union, where issues such as accommodation, housing, teaching and equality are discussed. This committee do a lot to improve the standard of student life in all different areas. Representatives are elected every year (a vote which every student is entitled to) so make sure to watch out for manifestos in our lovely Cherwell!

Park End

Actual name “Lava Ignite”, changed from Park End by some promoter who felt the need to reinvent, but found that the old name just stuck. Frequented on a Wednesday night (aka sports/crew date night), it’s literally jam-packed by 10pm. Boasting three different dance-floors: r n b, cheese and dance (tenuous. More like less extreme cheese) there’s a wealth of variety for any music tastes. Highlights include the crazy dancing, the vast proportion of costumed revellers, and the carpeted floor of the first bar (with a wonderful quality of retaining the smell of vomit). Enter Park End at your own peril – not one to be experienced sober.

Principal

Head of the college, supposedly presiding over college business, but rarely comes into contact with undergraduates. More like a mythical figure, rarely seen except in the murky distance of the high table at formal hall.

Hail to thee, blithe spirits! To alleviate some of the anxiety that attends any man’s first year at Oxford, below is a high-level guide to the University’s sartorial life. While we absolutely encourage bold, imaginative, and above all thoughtful forays into the more eccentric or avant-garde realms of style and comportment – currently we are loving the pink ‘welfare’ glasses favoured by Andy Warhol in the sixties and seventies – the advice given here should provide a stylish base from which to begin any such adventures. As follows:

Formal dress: The opportunities for wearing a dinner jacket around Oxford are legion. This is something to be celebrated by every man, gentle or otherwise, for it is hard to imagine any occasion on which it is easier to look almost unbearably handsome. We will have more to say on this in a future column, but for the time being, just remember to insist upon a tennis collar for your pleated shirt (winged collars look best carrying white ties), and if this will be your first black tie purchase, choose a jacket and trousers made from the lightest-weight fabric you can find. This will make you much more comfortable as the night starts to heat-up, which tends to happen for those who look unbearably handsome.

Also bear in mind that a cummerbund is not essential, waistcoats are a bit much (except with white tie), braces are essential (no clip-ons, please), and polished brogues are perfectly acceptable footwear.

Bow ties: You will need at least two, one black (for your formal dress) and one white (for your sub-fusc, and possibly for a ball). If it is not already the editorial policy of the Cherwell, it soon will be that ready-made bow ties are unacceptable under any circumstances. (Rumour has it the Proctors are contemplating making this an offense punishable by rustication.) Insist on the real thing, which you can learn to tie by watching this quaint but effective video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJv4Qh7zR3E.

Trousers: Make a clean break of your juvenile past by forsaking all pairs (or at the very least, all but one pair) of nondescript, pleated, boot-cut or otherwise full-legged trousers. Leave them at home so you are not tempted by the siren call of the Comfort Fit. Trousers should be trim enough that the belt is almost entirely ornamental, and cut narrower than you think through the thigh, calf, and ankle. Turn-ups (cuffs) should be worn only for irony.

Jeans: If you must, make them skinny. There is no need to loose circulation in your legs, but you should have some difficulty pedaling a bicycle or sitting on the floor. Very dark blue and grey look much better than you think.

Socks: Don’t feel obliged to wear these, even with your formal dress, unless it’s snowing, in which case choose a pair that is outrageously colourful. If your neighbours aren’t banging on the wall telling you to turn down your socks, try a different pair.

Footwear: You will look and feel infinitely better with a leather sole between your feet and the pavement. The fact that it rains a lot is no excuse for something so garish as a rubber sole, except on your Wellington boots, which should be diesel powered. Invest in some shoe polish and a proper umbrella and bring as many leather lace-ups as you can fit in your travel case. (Boat shoes are excepted, of course.)

Sportswear: The secret to making all your other clothes look better. Bring at least two sets of kit, and make gym time the only time you disport yourself in running shoes. Resist the urge, under pain of near-universal derision, to wear your kit outside the gym or off the jogging path. Especially if it says ‘Canterbury’ on it.

Shirts: More collars, less bulk, and you can never have enough pink. Don’t be afraid to leave your button-downs unbuttoned, especially with a tie, but do remember to tuck them in, even with jeans. (Especially with skinny jeans.) Polo shirts are like t-shirts, to be worn less-frequently than you think, more fitted than feels comfortable at first, and if not in pink, then black. Dress shirts require their own column: stay tuned.

Outerwear: Included here are sweaters, or jumpers, depending on how many oceans you crossed in getting to Oxford. V-necks look better than crewnecks, and both are improved by a collar. (A fitted cardigan with skinny tie can’t miss.) The thing to remember is that the softer the fabric, the more likely someone else will want to touch it. (Itchy wool nautical sweaters are excepted, of course.)

Consider trading some of your sweaters/jumpers for sport coats. Corduroy is lovely, brushed cotton or wool equally fine, cashmere outstanding, tweed tremendous. Add a scarf for layering warmth, and practice wearing your coat draped over your shoulders, which looks almost as handsome as black tie. (Draping your dinner jacket over your shoulders, with collar undone and tie un-knotted, is devastating.)

Bring at least one coat made of waxed cotton or some other waterproof, non-synthetic fabric. Fleece is illegal in Oxford.

Corkscrew: The essential accessory. Not one of those dual-handle jobs, but a proper, simple, restaurant-style corkscrew. It slips easily into the jacket pocket, and forestalls any inadvertent suffering of the derision of Charles and Careless:

CHARLES. ‘Fore Heaven, ’tis true!–there is the great Degeneracy
of the age–many of our acquaintance have Taste–Spirit, and
Politeness–but plague on’t they won’t drink—-

CARELESS. It is so indeed–Charles–they give into all the
substantial Luxuries of the Table–and abstain from nothing but
wine and wit–Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably–

Watch for In the Closet throughout the term in Cherwell, and please do submit any questions or responses as a comment to this article. We will keep these in mind for future columns.

Oxford slang is quite confusing at first, and may seem at times to venture into the realms of Clockwork Orange – you’ll check your ‘pidge’ (pigeonhole) in the ‘plodge’ (porters’ lodge), will sign ‘up’ and ‘down’ at the start and end of term – so here is Cherwell’s helpful guide, and some of the things we wish we’d know before we ‘came up’.

Academics
Ah, of course. Why we’re all here. Because we were the best and brightest of our various sixth forms. So people will (obviously) take their work very seriously. They’ll intimidate you with their summer reading (voluntary of course) and will leave you to wallow in your awkward ‘I don’t know the answer to that question’ silence in tutorials. Who cares? You’ll be the one with all the stories about vomming on your shoes. Who’s the real winner eh?

Bops
The awful Oxford slang for a college disco. Some are raucous and amazing fun, some are awful (Merton…) most play Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ at least once. All have potent cocktails that will burn your taste buds off. Invariably fancy dress, but it’s not like school: the cool kids all dress up. In costumes that took more time to plan than your vac essay. Seriously.

Babylove
Where the cool kids hang out. Sweaty, small and too cool for its own good. Edgy hair and ironic dress only.

Bridge
The foil of Babylove, just as sweaty. Cheesy fun. And it has a stripper pole that rugby boys tend to flock round. Unexplained. Just don’t get ‘Anuba’d’. Anuba is the bar (waiting room) you go to if the queue for Bridge is too long. You’ll be given a ticket like when you bought your school shoes from Clarks. No night can recover.

Bod
Short for ‘Bodleian Library’. Seriously, go to your fresher orientation otherwise you will never find your way round. And it’s seriously embarrassing going as a third year, and asking where you get books out from, trust me. Don’t try to take them home, you can’t, and you’ll be rugby tackled by a security guard if you try.

Crew dates.
A very unique Oxford thing. One all girl ‘crew’ (think netball team, drinking society, women’s elephant polo club) goes for a curry or to a formal hall with another all boy crew (rugby team, drinking society, general lads). Can be between colleges or uni wide. One side pays for dinner; the other provides the wine (minimum one bottle per person). General hilarity ensues in the form of drinking games and copping off with each other. Although Cherwell advises against the latter.

Collections
Beginning of term exams used to check you weren’t telling porkies about how much work you did. Taken in various degrees of seriousness – some are in exam conditions, some you’re allowed to take back to your room. Don’t panic about them, very uncool. Go for studied nonchalance instead.

Drinking societies.
Ah, infamous tabloid fodder. Some are just as elite as described – despite various equality committees trying to intervene and spoil their fun. Each college has their own, with their own bizarre traditions. Initiations are a must.
The infamous ‘Buller’ is now supposedly struggling for members- it’s now cooler to turn it down than to accept. The first rule of equally infamous Piers Gav is you don’t talk about Piers Gav (just google it). Christ Church Cardinals throw the best party every term, but don’t be fooled by the black tie. Ain’t nothing classy about their ‘cocktails’. Girls drinking societies are a bit of an oxymoron, but they do try.

Don
A college tutor. Derived from the Latin dominus meaning variously master, lord, owner, host. A strange species that comes in wildly different forms. Some are old school and will offer you a glass of wine and spend the whole hour talking about opera, some will let you call them by their first name, some are terrifying and are not to be crossed. Most cannot be fooled, and they’ve seen every trick in the book. And have probably already read that essay you’re trying to pass off as your own. You will, however, learn their traits and your own tricks for getting around them, even if it is just to avoid eye contact and sudden movements.

Entz/Entz Reps
Short for Entertainment, your Entz Reps will arrange the bops and other super fun events – think chocolate orange world record attempts. club nights as well as your Freshers’ Week, film nights, and selling tickets for club nights throughout term. Be nice to them and they’ll save you tickets and tell you what’s happening.

Essays
Ban the phrase ‘essay crisis’ from your vocabulary. It’s irritating, and if you have one, it’s your own entire fault. Yes, you will get lots of them, particularly if you do a humanity, but get over it. There’s some myhtical guideline that says you can only be set sixteen in a term. Maybe that’s not very comforting. Double spacing is your best friend (the pages multiple, like magic!). And despite what you may think, doubling the expected word count will not impress your tutor. You’re just giving them more to cover in red pen.

Examination Schools
Where Prelims, Mods and Finals are held (more on those later). On the High Street. Also where you’ll have to hand in any finals coursework. Not really a place of laughs and giggles.

Fuzzy ducks
The Brookes night, in the O2 in Cowley. Voted the fifth easiest place to pull in some lads’ mag, some time ago. Buy your ticket in advance, and take your breath mints. Not for the faint hearted.

Finals
Final examinations at the end of 3 or 4 years as an undergraduate. Some degrees are divided in to Part Ones (taken at the end of second year) and Part Twos (taken at the end of third or fourth year) much to the annoyance of people actually trying to have fun at the end of their term. Finalists can be recognized by a permanent caffeine shake and the deep scowl if people even whisper loudly in the library. Probably best avoided in Trinity term.

Fresher
First years. Will be said with distain by some second years, who have conveniently forgotten they were one just a year ago. Don’t do anything too outrageous in Freshers’ Week because the nickname ‘Fresher Slut/Lad/Douche/Sick’ etc will stick for the rest of the year. Technically you should only be called a Fresher in your first term, but no one pays any attention to that. And you’ll be told to “Down it, Freshaaaaaa!”, quite a lot.

G and D’s
An Oxford cafe – one in Cowley, one on St Aldates – specializing in ice cream and bagels. Always busy after nine as people avoid work and get their caffeine fix, but it’s expensive… But it IS open til midnight. So, swings and roundabouts.

Gown
Short and armless if you’re not a scholar, long and more batman like if you are. Also refers to the University in the phrase ‘Town vs. Gown’ – the ever-bubbling tension (apparently) between students and the normal people of Oxford.